Escape

Welcome all! So how's everyone been in my little absence? I've been good. School is terribly fun (sarcasm, sarcasm) but what else is new. I want to thank everyone who voted for both Escape and Choices in the boy band awards. Somehow I managed to walk away with a number of them, including best use of Kevin and best use of AJ. You guys do care! I want to thank Curlybrok for taking the time out of his life to host these awards and do all the work for them. Thanks! And for all of you who have been asking for Choices, I have good news for you. The next time you see a posting from me, it will be Choices. I promise. And I won't break this one because I just hit a wall in Escape. I need a break from that one now!

All right. I think I've babbled about that enough. Go read other stories too. I read very few now so I'll just tell you which ones I seem to follow with any regularity. Forever which is written by my omnipotent editor, DJ; Brian and Me by the lovely DLS; Lance in Shining Armour by the crazy Scotty T; and Studio in the Country by Michael Ellis who was nice enough to send my pal DJ a great valentine of Kevin which he showed to me. Nice pic Michael!

Disclaimer: Have you guys ever even read my disclaimers? I'm just curious. Email me and let me know.

Prologue to Chapter 36

Brian shut the bedroom door softly. He didn't want to wake the dogs. They were sleeping on his bed. Well they were sleeping on the bed he had been sleeping in at Kevin and AJ's.

He walked quietly down the hall to Beth's room. Knocking softly, he waited until he heard her voice to open the door. She was awake, sitting up in bed.

"Brian I was waiting for you." She smiled softly at him.

He slipped into bed with her, kissing her softly on the cheek. "I wanted to wait until everyone else was asleep. Do you need anything?"

Beth shook her head. "AJ just gave me a shot about 20 minutes ago. Are he and Kevin in bed?"

"They went to bed a few minutes ago. Ben's been asleep for awhile."

"That's good. How are you doing tonight Brian?" She snuggled up against him, wrapping her thin arms around his chest.

"Much better now that I'm in here. I missed you." Brian kissed the top of her head, feeling content for the first time all day.

"I missed you too Brian. Did you talk to Kevin today?" Brian didn't answer her. "I guess that's a no. Why won't you tell him?"

"I'm afraid to. I don't know what he's going to say." Beth was quiet this time. "Maybe we shouldn't tell him." Brian looked down at her, surprised that she said that. She had been pushing him to tell Kevin.

"Are you sure?" Beth nodded. "Let's just keep this to ourselves for now."

"I love you Beth."

"I love you too Brian."

AJ yawned as he opened Beth's door. He had gotten into the habit of waking up early to give Beth her morning medicine. He walked over to the dresser, not even looking at the bed. He picked up her pills and poured a glass of water.

Turning to walk over to the bed, AJ almost dropped the glass of water. Brian was in bed with Beth, her arms wrapped tightly around each other. AJ put the pills back on the dresser and left the room. He wasn't going to wake the two of them up to give Beth the pills. And he wasn't going to tell Kevin.

Chapter 36

"AJ!"

AJ sat up quickly, bumping his head against the cabinet. "Ouch." He rubbed his head and stood up carefully.

"What do you want Kevin?" He shouted back at him.

"Where are my black socks at?" AJ rolled his eyes. "In the sock drawer!" It was quiet for a minute so AJ assumed Kevin had found them. He knelt back over and began to rummage through the cabinet again.

"They aren't there!" Kevin shouted again. AJ jumped, hitting his head again. "Then take a pair of mine!" AJ rolled his eyes. Morpheus cocked his head and whined slightly.

"There are no black socks in the drawer AJ!" Kevin was being to sound exasperated as he shouted.

"Then go into Brian's room and take a pair!"

AJ held his hand out to Morpheus, who rubbed his head against AJ's palm. "I think he's helpless without me Morph."

AJ sat on the ground and peered into the cabinet. Finally spotting the can of cat food, he pulled it out, setting it on the ground. Tyke came bounding into the room, landing on AJ's lap, whining loudly.

"In a few minutes Tyke. Just chill. You guys are all supposed to be in the den anyway. Who let you out?"

"I did. They were scratching. What's the big deal?" Kevin said as he walked into the kitchen, holding a pair of black socks in his hand.

"Kevin it's impossible to try and feed all of them if they are in the room. If you fed them once in awhile you would know that." AJ said the last part under his breath.

"What did you say AJ?" Kevin asked. He leaned over to grab Tyke, but he slipped out of his grasp.

"Nothing." AJ turned his back to Kevin and grabbed all the bowls on the table. He spread them out on the counter, starting with Iya's bowl and ending with Morpheus'. Kevin came up behind him, wrapping his arms around AJ's waist.

"Kevin, I'm busy." AJ said shortly. He wasn't in the mood for this. Kevin let his arms fall, not aware of what he had done wrong.

"Let me help you. I'll get Adam and Eve's food." Kevin said softly, opening the can of dog food in front of Eve's bowl.

"I can do it Kev." AJ reached for the can, but Kevin held it out of reach. "No, I've got it. You've done enough these past few weeks. I can at least do this."

AJ let his hand fall and turned back to Iya's bowl. He spooned the food into it, adding some dry food before stirring it all up. Tyke was beginning to whine loudly. His bowl was next. AJ quickly finished his and stepped around Kevin to get to Morpheus'.

"Does Adam get the same food as Eve?" Kevin asked, holding the can in front of him, unsure of what to do.

"No, he and Morpheus eat the same food. Eve gets the green bag and the yellow can. The boys get the red bag and the red can." AJ said quietly, pouring food into Morpheus' bowl. His bowl was about the size of Tyke.

AJ pushed Morpheus and Tyke out of the room before setting the bowls down on the ground.

"AJ, I'm sorry if..." AJ cut him off before he could finish. "Just a minute Kevin. I need to let them eat now."

He opened the kitchen door again, stepping aside as all five animals rushed past him to their bowls. Kevin stood there and watched as AJ maneuvered the dogs to their own bowls, keeping Eve from eating Tyke's food and keeping Iya from getting trampled.

"AJ, I'm sorry I haven't been around to help these last few weeks. I know it must have been tough on you." Kevin tried again, hoping AJ would let him finish this time.

AJ straightened up, stretching his back at the same time. "Do you have any idea what my life has become these last few weeks Kevin?"

Ashamed, Kevin shook his head no.

"I am a soccer mom. I think that's possibly the best term for it." Kevin tried to touch AJ, but he brushed him away, reaching for some coffee instead of Kevin's affection.

"How long is Brian staying?" He asked Kevin bluntly.

"I don't know. He said that he's going to stay here until Shelley finds a place since she's still there."

AJ sighed. "So it hasn't changed any."

Kevin looked at him with concern. "Do you want Brian to leave?"

AJ began to pace around. "Yes and no. I love Brian and I know that he needs us, but he's just another person to take care of. I have enough people to take care of without adding a mopey Brian and three dogs to the mix."

Kevin didn't say anything. "If he would just take care of the dogs he brought with him that would help. Between running Ben all over creation and taking care of Beth, I'm already stretched thin. That doesn't even take into account all the normal parts of our life I take care of, like grocery shopping or making dinner."

AJ sat down heavily. "I just want a break Kevin. I'm tired."

Kevin stepped over Morpheus and saw next to AJ. He knew that AJ had been worn thin the past few weeks. He wished that he could do more to help.

"I'm sorry AJ. I'm sorry I'm not here. Just with the negotiations and all." He stopped knowing that whatever he said really made no difference.

"I know Kev and believe me all of us are happy that you and Nick are taking care of the contract negotiations. At least when Allie's here, she helps out. That's more then I can say for Brian." AJ's voice was bitter.

"I'll talk to Brian when I get home tonight. If you want that is." Kevin's eyes were soft, hoping that AJ was going to agree.

"Fine. I have to go wake Ben. He has a dance lesson in an hour." AJ stood up, his body betraying how little he wanted to do this.

Kevin grabbed his arm, standing up next to him. AJ stood there, waiting for Kevin to say or do something. He just stared at him before letting his arm go. Kevin's eyes fell to the ground, wishing he could make the anger in AJ's eyes go away.

AJ took another look at Kevin before turning and leaving the kitchen.

"Come on Uncle Brian. Hit me!" Ben shouted at him as he made his character duck. Brian's face was twisted in concentration. He had never had to work so hard just to run away.

There was a knock on the door and AJ peeked inside. "Oh good you're both up. Ben you have a dance lesson in an hour. Time to get in the shower."

Ben groaned. "I don't want to go Papa. Can I skip today?" AJ sighed. For some reason, Ben tried this every morning. Yet he got back from lessons all happy and excited, wishing he could go back.

"No Ben you can't. We go over this every morning. You're the one who wants to take these lessons. Now get in the shower."

Ben leaned forward and switched off the video game. He stood up and scowled at AJ. "I don't want to go today."

"I don't really care Ben. Just get in the shower and let's go." AJ's voice was firm.

"Fine." Ben stomped out of the room and down the hall into the bathroom. AJ and Brian heard him slam the door as hard as he could.

AJ rubbed his temples, a headache already starting to form behind his eyes. It was too early for this and he needed more coffee.

Brian stood up and walked over to AJ. "You okay?"

AJ nodded, keeping his eyes closed. "Do you want me to take Ben to his dance lessons today? You look like you could use a break."

AJ looked up at Brian in relief. "Really? You'll do that?"

"Sure. I'll even stick around and watch. Maybe I'll learn something new." Brian smiled, trying to get AJ to crack a grin.

AJ just nodded and started to leave the room. He had to go make sure everything was okay with Beth. The nurse was going to be there soon, but for now, he was the nurse.

"AJ are you sure you're okay?" Brian asked one more time before AJ left. AJ stopped and looked back at him. "That depends on your definition of okay." With that he left the room.

Brian stood there, wondering if he had something to do with AJ's despair. Kevin stuck his head in Ben's bedroom. "Hey cuz. Is AJ still here?"

Brian shook his head. "You just missed him. I think he was heading over to Beth's room next."

Kevin looked at his watch. "Damn. I'm running really late. Tell AJ that I love him and I'll call him during a break."

"Bye Kev."

AJ shut the bedroom door behind him. Beth was asleep, not comfortably, but she was asleep. Personally that's what AJ wanted to do. If Brian was taking Ben, that got them out of the house. Beth's nurse was going to be here soon, that took care of her. He feasibly could go back to bed. He had to put up some laundry and go grocery shopping, but he could do that later. It was time to go back to bed.

"AJ! Wait up." Brian called to him. "What Brian?"

"Kev told me to tell you that he loves and you he'll call during a break." AJ nodded. "Ben and I are leaving in a few minutes. I put the dogs' bowls away, cleaned up the kitchen and put them out back. I think Iya is downstairs somewhere. I'll see you later."

Brian gave AJ a kiss on his cheek before leaving the younger man standing in the hall. AJ watched him leave. Brian never kissed him. He wasn't that affectionate with AJ. The only one of them he was that affectionate with was Kevin. AJ yawned and headed down the hall. All he wanted now was to climb back into his warm bed.

"Papa! Papa! Wake up!" Ben bounced on the bed, trying to rouse AJ from his nap. AJ opened one eye and looked up at him. Ben had started to call him Papa instead of Dad so that no one would get confused.

"What Ben?" Ben laid down next to him, resting his small head on Kevin's pillow. He watched his father for a moment before continuing.

"Do you want to see what I learned today? Brian said he would dance with me to show you and Mom."

AJ looked past Ben and saw Brian standing by the door. He looked slightly awkward, waiting for Ben to get AJ.

"You might as well join us on the bed Brian. It's big enough." Brian stepped away from the door, leaving it slightly ajar. He climbed on the bed with the two of them and sat next to Ben.

AJ sat up, rubbing his eyes. He had fallen asleep in his clothes. "Did you have a good lesson today?'

Ben nodded. "It was so fun. Come on. Let's go into Mom's room and Brian and I will show you what we learned."

Ben hopped out of bed and ran out of the room. AJ grinned at Brian. "You learned something too? I thought you were just going to watch."

Brian shrugged. "The scary thing is some of those little kids dance so much better then me. I was lagging behind. Your son even kicked my ass in dancing."

"Well sometimes it's good to be knocked down a peg or two."

"Yeah well if anyone finds out I might lose my job. Wait until you see what that kid can do. Its nuts."

AJ climbed out of bed, stretching. "I always had faith that someone would come along and dance better then you. Finally we don't have to put up with you anymore."

AJ walked out of the room. Brian stood there for a moment. "You're joking right?"

"Maybe." AJ looked back at him with a grin. Brian shook his head, smiling. "Come on B-rok. We could never replace you."

AJ walked into Beth's bedroom with Brian following behind him. Ben was sitting on the bed next to his mother, talking quietly to her. AJ was always amazed at how quickly he lost all his hyperness when he was with her. Ben became the calmest child when he was with her.

AJ slid on the bed next to Beth. Maneuvering her carefully, he slid himself behind her, propping her up with his body. She smiled weakly at him.

"Ready Uncle Brian?" Ben asked. Brian nodded, stepping forward and getting into position. Ben hit play on the tape player. AJ began to laugh when he heard Larger then Life begin. Brian shrugged as he and Ben began to dance along to the music.

AJ and Beth watched as the two of them danced to the music. Ben really was dancing circles around Brian. Beth's nurse, Mary was watching them with a smile. She loved working for Kevin and AJ. You never knew what you would see in this house.

The phone rang during the routine. AJ looked over at Mary, gesturing for her to get it for him. She nodded, picking the phone up and leaving the room to talk.

Ben and Brian finished the dance a moment later. Brian sat down heavily on the bed as Ben turned off the tape player.

Mary walked back in, holding the phone. "AJ, Kevin's on the phone. He said it's important." AJ nodded and took the phone from her.

"Hello Kev."

"Hi sweetie. How are you?" Kevin had been worried about him all morning.

"Better. I got a long nap this morning and I just got treated to a dance routine by Ben and Brian."

"I'm sorry I missed it."

"I'm sure Ben will do it for you later. Brian's another story. I think Ben killed him."

"Brian's not out of shape already is he?" Kevin said jokingly.

"No, this routine was just a lot more complicated then what we did on the last tour."

"Are you and Brian busy right now?" Kevin asked, wishing he didn't have to do this.

"I need to go to the grocery store. Why?"

"The contracts are finished. You guys need to come sign."

AJ groaned. "Ben's going to have to come with us. I can't ask Mary to watch him. It's not her job."

"That's fine. Howie's bringing Luna."

"Fine. When do we have to be there?"

"As soon as possible."

AJ groaned again. He had hoped to be able to shower. He felt all nasty from sleeping in his clothes.

"We'll be there."

"I love you honey."

"I love you Kevin."

AJ hung up the phone and looked at Brian sadly. "Oh man." Brian moaned, standing up. "I don't want to go AJ." Brian whined, making Ben laugh at his uncle.

"Neither do I Brian, but we have to. We have to sign our own contracts. So let's go. You too Ben."

Ben jumped up from his spot on the floor. "I get to go! Cool!" He ran out of the bedroom and back to his.

Brian shuffled out of the room. "He won't be that excited next time he gets to go to one of these. We're all excited the first time."

AJ shook his head. He slid out from under Beth, carefully resting her on the pillow. He kissed her on the forehead. "We'll see you later beautiful." Beth smiled at him. "Bye AJ. Tell everyone I said hi."

"I will. Sleep well." Beth's eyes were already closing. AJ took Mary aside. "Make sure she's comfortable okay. You have my cell number if you need anything."

"You got it AJ."

Brian bounced down the hall with Ben on his back. AJ walked ahead of the two of them, his mind on what he had to do after he signed the contract. Part of him was a little curious to see what ended up. Kevin and Nick had been very close-mouthed about what was happening.

"Ben, can you walk for a bit? I'm getting really tired." Ben nodded, sliding off Brian's back. He ran up and grabbed AJ's hand.

"Hey Papa." Ben grinned at his father as they walked into the main room together. The receptionist, Kristi, stood up and walked over to them.

"AJ, it's good to see you. Steve asked me to escort you and Brian back to the conference room. Howie's already here and everything is all set for the contract signing."

"Super. Thanks Kristi." AJ followed her, Ben still holding on to his hand. Brian followed them, noticing how Ben's eyes seemed to stray to Kristi's legs. Brian had to admit they were very nice legs.

Kristi opened the conference room door for them, leaving after they were inside. Ben ran over to Kevin, hopping into his lap and hugging him tightly. "Hi Dad. Wait until I show you what I learned in class today. You're going to love it!"

Kevin put a finger to his lips. "That's great Ben. Tell me all about it when we get home. Can you do me a favor and just sit quietly for a few minutes?" Ben nodded, settling himself into Kevin's lap.

AJ and Brian took their seats in front of their contracts. Howie was reading through his while trying to keep Luna from grabbing it at the same time. AJ began to flip through his, looking for the one section he really cared about. Finding it, he read over it quickly before looking up at Kevin.

"You guys managed to do it. How?" He said in disbelief. Brian and Howie quickly flipped to that section, knowing what AJ was talking about. They both read it and smiles broke across their faces.

"We were not happy about it AJ, but we finally agreed to it after many arguments from Kevin and Nick." Steve said, making his presence known. "You guys never have to do extended tours again. All dates will be decided by the five of you."

AJ leaned over and hugged Kevin and Ben at the same time. Steve looked at the guys and smiled. He had fought on their side in this. Steve understood why the guys wanted to cut down on the touring. They were older, they had families, and they had responsibilities at home.

Nick and Brian talked quietly about the contracts they had. The two of them were the only ones who really didn't have the family issue. They agreed with the issue, knowing that it was best for everyone.

Ben pulled on Kevin's sleeve. "Dad?" He whispered, trying to get Kevin's attention. "What Ben?" Kevin whispered back.

"I have to go to the bathroom." He whispered into Kevin's ear. "Can you wait five minutes?" Ben shook his head. Kevin sighed.

"Okay let's go." Ben slid off his lap and Kevin stood up.

"Steve, we have to step out for a moment. We'll be back in five." Steve nodded, pointing out a part of the contract to Brian that dealt with songwriting rights.

AJ's phone rang softly, breaking his concentration. He had been reading some of the details regarding songwriting royalties. Kevin and Ben still hadn't gotten back from the bathroom, so no one was signing yet. They liked to have all the Boys signing at the same time so they could take a picture.

"Hello?"

"AJ, its Mary. We've got a problem." AJ's face turned white. He cupped his hand over the phone so people couldn't hear him talk. "What?" His voice was filled with fear.

"Beth's breathing is becoming erratic from the morphine. I did what you said. I tried to keep her comfortable. The pain didn't subside until I gave her a higher dose. I had hoped that it wouldn't effect her breathing. What do you want me to do?"

AJ knew what she was asking. Mary could give Beth another shot so she would sleep, her breathing slowing down until it ultimately stopped, letting her die in peace. Or she could call an ambulance and take her to the hospital.

"I can't make this decision. I need to talk to Kevin and Ben. Oh god how do I ask Ben this question?"

"Just tell him the truth. He knows how sick she is. We all know that if we take her to the hospital, she won't leave again. The three of you as a family need to make that decision. None of us will get in trouble for this."

"I'll call you back in a few minutes after I talk to them."

"AJ, just understand that by putting off the decision, you're making it." Mary's voice was quiet.

"I know." AJ whispered, hanging up the phone. He sat still for a moment, trying to compose himself. He wasn't ready to deal with this. He had fallen in love with Beth over the past two months she had been here. Now he was going to have to decide whether she died or not.

Standing up quickly, AJ knocked the chair over. He walked out of the room, not even bothering to get it. If he had turned back, everyone would have seen the tears running down his face.

Through blurred vision, he made his way to the bathrooms. Kevin and Ben had just walked out when AJ got there.

"Go back inside. We need to talk." AJ said, pushing Kevin backwards. Ben hung back, not sure if he was supposed to follow. "Ben this involves you."

Ben walked through the door, entering the bathroom again. AJ locked the door behind them before turning to look at Kevin and Ben.

"Mary just called me." Kevin gasped, knowing that what was to follow would change their lives forever. Ben immediately wrapped his arms around Kevin's waist, burying his face in his stomach.

"Beth's breathing is becoming erratic due to the increased levels of morphine that Mary had to give her to keep her comfortable. We've talked about what would happen when this situation came about, but we never made a decision. We have to now."

Kevin slid to the ground, gathering Ben in his arms, holding him tightly as they both cried. AJ sat down behind Kevin, wrapping his arms around Kevin and Ben.

"None of us want to lose her...but." AJ didn't know what else to say. He trailed off, burying his face in Kevin's shoulder to hide his tears.

"I don't want her to die in a hospital." Ben said softly, not lifting his face out of Kevin's chest to talk. Kevin rubbed his back, letting him know that he understood.

"Is that our decision?" AJ asked softly. Kevin let out a soft sob, unable to keep it quiet anymore. Ben looked up at his father, watching the tears slid down his face.

"Yes." Kevin said softly, staring into his son's eyes. "But we are all going to be there for her. We're leaving now. Call Mary and tell her. Someone else can drive Brian home."

Kevin wiped his face with his hands, trying to get the tears off. Ben did the same, copying his father. AJ dialed home, trying to keep from crying again.

"Hello, Richardson residence." Mary's voice answered. AJ tried to speak, but he began to cry again.

"AJ is that you? Talk to me." AJ handed the phone to Kevin, who immediately began to talk.

"Mary, its Kevin." His voice was calm, hiding how upset he was.

"Did you guys make a decision?" She asked, not wanting to push, but she needed to know. If it was the hospital, she needed to call now.

"We're coming home now. She's not dying in a hospital. Ben doesn't want that to happen."

"Okay. I'm going to give her another shot in 20 minutes that way you guys don't have to see me do it. She'll be asleep by the time you get back, but still alive."

Kevin's voice cracked as he answered her. "Thank you for this."

"I don't want her to die in a hospital either. She deserves better then that. I'm glad I can at least do this."

"Goodbye." Kevin hung up the phone quickly, handing the phone back to AJ.

"Stop crying Alex. We can't let them know what's going on." He held his arms out to Ben, picking him up to carry him. AJ wiped his face and unlocked the door. Opening it, they saw Howie, Brian and Nick standing outside waiting for them.

"Is everything okay?" Brian asked them, his voice filled with concern. Ben didn't move to respond. AJ turned away, leaving it up to Kevin.

Kevin looked into Brian's eyes, knowing that he had to tell Brian the truth. Brian and Beth had been friends for so long too. Nick and Howie were going to find out anyway.

"Beth is dying. We need to leave now." Kevin's voice was quiet, so quiet they could barely hear him.

"We can sign the contracts another time. Get out of here now." Nick said. "I'll take care of management." Howie nodded. "Leave and go be with her."

Brian's eyes had filled with tears, his mouth opening and closing but no sound coming out. AJ held his hand out to Brian, who took it gratefully. "Let's go."

Brian's heart was breaking as they walked to the car. He had never told anyone how much he loved Beth. After Kevin and Beth had broken up, he had gone looking for her. He found her pregnant with Kevin's baby. For ten years he kept her secret. He kept his love for her secret from everyone including himself.

Their friendship had grown into something very special to both of them over the years. Beth was Brian's confidant, keeping him sane when everything seemed insane. And Brian, well Brian was her link to Kevin.

Brian had known about Ben all along. He had never met the boy, but he had known everything that happened in his life. At his insistence, he had been helping Beth make ends meet the last few years since she got sick. She had been too proud to accept his help for the longest time.

The only thing he had wondered was why she didn't tell him she was trying to find Kevin. He would have helped her out, preparing Kevin somehow. Of course he had no clue how he was going to prepare Kevin for this, but he had hoped somehow.

Kevin was still holding Ben, who hadn't let his grip on his father lessen once. AJ was doing his best not to cry as he drove home. Brian was lost in his own little world, dreaming about what might have been if he had told Beth he loved her.

The house loomed up at them all of a sudden. AJ was amazed that they were home. He barely remembered the drive. No one moved.

"We have to go inside." Kevin said quietly, reaching for the door. Somehow he managed to climb out with Ben in his arms.

Kevin held Ben tightly while Brian and AJ clutched hands as they all walked up the driveway. Mary opened the door for them, trying not to let the dogs out.

"Do you want me to put them out back?" She asked Kevin softly. Kevin nodded heading towards the stairs. Ben lifted his head, watching as Mary herded the dogs to the back.

"Morpheus." Ben said softly. Kevin looked back, trying to decide whether he wanted the dog there.

"Morpheus, come here." Morpheus padded over to the stairs and followed closely on Brian's heels.

The bedroom door was open, waiting for them. With no hesitation, Kevin walked inside, heading right over to the bed. True to Mary's word, Beth was already asleep. Kevin was a little relieved.

Ben jumped out of his father's arms and climbed in bed with his mother, cuddling up to her, resting his head on her chest. He held her tightly, not wanting to let her go.

Brian climbed on the bed, sitting on her other side, much to Kevin and AJ's surprise. He took her hand, holding it gently in his own.

"Bethy, I love you. I know you told me to let you go, but I never could. These last few weeks have been so special." He began to cry softly as he held the hand of the woman he loved.

"The past ten years having you in my life even just as a friend has been wonderful. Thank you so much for just being you." Brian rested his head on the pillow next to her, watching her breath slowly.

Kevin could see a bluish tinge on her lips. Her breathing had noticeably slowed from when they had first walked into the room. He and AJ sat on the bed, not touching Beth and not saying anything. She knew how the two of them felt.

Ben stroked his mother's face softly, pressing his nose against her cheek as the tears rolled down his cheeks. "I love you Mommy. Please don't leave me. Please." He whispered to her softly.

Mary stood in the doorway for a moment. From there she could see how blue Beth's lips were. It wouldn't be long now. She shut the door and walked away, leaving them alone.

Chapter 37

"Ben come here for a second." Kevin called from the kitchen. He flipped through the papers on the table. They were all brochures for private schools in the area. Ben shuffled into the kitchen, dark circles under his eyes.

"Yeah Dad?" His voice was listless. Kevin looked up at his son, concerned about his appearance.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Ben shrugged. "A little bit."

"Do you want to sleep with me and Papa tonight? You seem to sleep a little better then." Ben shrugged again. "Maybe."

Kevin pushed his chair back slightly. He could sense Ben's apprehension and he knew what he needed. "We need to talk about school." Ben nodded, climbing into Kevin's lap.

Ben had become very clingy since Beth died. Whenever anyone else was around Ben would cling to him or her too. Kevin and AJ had grown used to it. Nick was always a little surprised when Ben would climb into his lap while they were playing video games.

"Do you want to go to public school or private school?" Kevin asked him, letting him make the decision.

Ben shrugged, resting his head on Kevin's chest. "What do you want me to do?" Ben asked him.

"I think you'll be a little safer in a private school. Plus you'll probably get a better education. Allie went to private school and she got a fabulous education."

"Then I guess I'll go to private school." Kevin hugged Ben gently. "Only if you want to."

Kevin was quiet for a moment. There was one more option that he and AJ had discussed, but he wasn't totally sure that he wanted to offer it to Ben.

"You could do one other thing. Brian, Nick and Papa were tutored to finish school. We can do that if you want, even just for a few months if you still want to stay at home."

Ben shook his head immediately. "No. I only want to do that when I go on tour with you guys."

"When you go on tour?" Kevin said jokingly. "Who said you're going on tour?"

Ben grinned. "I have to go with you. I'm a better dancer then Uncle Brian and Uncle Nick. You guys need me bad."

"How do you know that your better then Nick and Brian?" Ben grinned again.

"Fatima told me."

Kevin looked at him with surprise. "When did you dance for Fatima?"

Ben blushed. "Brian took me to her studio in Tampa after class on Monday. He wanted to do something special for me."

"Did you actually like dancing for her?" Kevin asked, glad that there was something that still excited Ben.

"I loved it! She was so tough on me. No teacher has ever pushed me like that. I would love to take lessons with her all the time."

Kevin looked down at him with a weird grin on his face. "If I could get Fatima to take you on, would you want that? Trust me. She's a lot tougher then you think. I'm usually dead on my feet by the time she's done with me."

"Ask Uncle Brian! She treated me just how she treats you guys. And that was after I just had a 2 hour class too." Ben protested loudly, trying to convince his father that he could handle it.

"Okay, I'll give Fatima a call later."

"Thanks Dad." Ben wrapped his arms around Kevin's neck and hugged him tightly.

"How was dance class today?" Ben grinned again, settling himself back in Kevin's lap.

"Really good. Uncle Brian and I have to do a performance next week. I need to go to his house to practice since he has a dance studio downstairs. We need a dance studio."

Kevin chuckled. "I'll think about the studio. And just let me know when you want to go to Bri's. I'll drive you over." Kevin thought it was so funny that Brian had ended up joining Ben's dance class.

"Hello? Is anyone home?" Kevin groaned softly. "We're in the kitchen Denise."

Denise walked through the door, holding two large bags. "All the place cards and registry books came. I also brought the linen samples for the tablecloths and napkins. Benny, come give grandma a hug."

Ben grinned, sliding off Kevin's lap. He really liked Denise a lot. Denise put her bags down and gathered Ben in her arms, hugging her tightly. "Hi sweetie. How are you?"

"I'm okay Grandma." She let him go and he ran back over to Kevin, resuming his place on his father's lap. Denise frowned slightly, but brushed it away.

"Where's Alex at?"

"He and Howie went to go pick out the dresses for the women in the wedding."

"Howie and Alex are picking out the dresses? Shouldn't a woman be doing that?"

Ben felt Kevin's arms tighten slightly. "No. Howie and AJ know exactly what they're looking for. Allie and Beth helped us pick them out."

Ben pushed himself away the moment Kevin mentioned his mother. He ran out of the room.

"Ben! Wait!" Kevin stood up to follow him, but Denise stopped him.

"Denise just let me handle this. He does this all the time."

Denise reached up and wiped the tears from Kevin's cheek. He hadn't even realized that he had started to cry.

"Do you want me to do this?" Kevin shook his head. "I need to." Denise pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back softly. "You are doing a great job Kevin. I'm so proud of you." Kevin nodded against her shoulder. "Thanks mom." Denise tightened her hug. "Thank you Kevin."

Ben sat in the corner, his knees drawn tightly to his chest. He wasn't crying. He couldn't cry anymore. There were no more tears left in him after the past two weeks.

So many strange people he had never met had told him how much they loved him and were so sorry. Like his Grandmom Anne. He had never seen this woman before, but she had come down for the funeral and smothered him. Grandma Denise and Grandpa Dan were much cooler then her.

No one knew him or his mom. They didn't know anything about their life before they arrived here. She was all he had and she had left him.

"Ben? Where are you?" Kevin said softly, entering the room, looking for his son.

"Leave me alone Dad." Ben answered, his voice quiet. Kevin made a beeline for the corner of Ben's room, sitting down next to him.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking when I said that." Kevin put his arm around Ben. His arm was quickly shrugged off. Kevin let it go, not wanting to push him.

Ben was quiet as he tried to pretend his father wasn't there. It was hard. Kevin's physical presence could be felt in the room.

"Dad?"

"Yeah Ben?"

"I miss her." Ben's voice was barely a whisper as he spoke. He stuck his thumb in his mouth.

"I miss her too." Kevin tried to touch Ben again, putting his arm around Ben's shoulder. Ben didn't brush him away this time. Kevin lifted the small boy and gathered him in his arms.

"It'll be okay Ben. I promise."

AJ knocked on the door, his face set in stone. He had dropped Howie off at home a few minutes ago and headed right over to Brian's. There was something he had to talk to Brian about. It had been eating at him for 2 weeks and he couldn't take it anymore.

"AJ! Hi." Brian opened the door, putting on a false aura of happiness. AJ brushed him aside and walked into Brian's home.

"Save the happiness for someone who cares Brian. I know you're still heartbroken over losing Beth. And we need to talk about that. Now."

Brian sighed. After the funeral, he had realized that he had said too much, letting his secrets slip. Neither Kevin nor AJ had said anything as the days passed. He had thought maybe they hadn't heard. Apparently AJ had.

"Okay where do you want me to start Alex?" Brian walked into the living room with AJ following him.

"Well what did you mean by the past ten years? Did you keep in touch with her all that time?" AJ asked, sitting down on the couch next to Eve. She wagged her tail and rolled onto her back so AJ would scratch her stomach. Out of habit, he did just that.

"I did keep in touch with Beth over the past ten years. She was my calm little center of the universe while I was trying to deal with the fame."

"How did you get in touch with her when Kevin couldn't?"

Brian was quiet. He didn't want to talk about this at all. He knew that AJ was going to flip when he heard this.

"About 5 months after they broke up, I went looking for her. I loved having Beth as a friend and I missed her. She'd moved to Louisville by then, so I took Harold's car and drove down. I found her. And I also found out she was pregnant with Kevin's child." Brian's voice trailed off at the end.

AJ looked at him in disbelief. "You knew?" Brian nodded. "And you didn't tell him?" Brian shook his head. "She asked me not to."

"Kevin is your cousin. This was his child! How could do that to him?"

Brian shook his head. "You don't want to know AJ. You really don't."

"Yes I do Brian. I want to know what was going through your pea-sized little brain when you decided not to tell your cousin that he was father."

Brian shook his head again. "No AJ. You don't want to know."

AJ stood up and walked over to Brian. He reached down and grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him so he was in his face. "Tell me Brian."

"I didn't want Kevin to raise a child because he was gay okay!" AJ let him go, shocked that Brian had said that.

"You kept Ben from him because he is gay?" AJ's face registered the shock he was feeling. How could someone do that to someone they loved? Anger welled up inside him and he had to prevent himself from punching Brian right in the face.

"Only at first was that my reasoning. AJ you know how I felt about gays when we first got together as a group. That's changed over the years. I know Kevin would be a great parent. And he is a great father."

"Then why didn't you tell him?"

"It was too late. We got too famous. We got too caught up in our own world. I couldn't ruin everything we had by taking Kevin away. And you know he would have dropped everything, including you, to go to his son. I was selfish about it. I wanted Beth to myself and I wanted my career."

AJ didn't say anything. "It was stupid and I regret making that choice. If I could take it back I would but I can't."

"How could you even look at Kevin when he would talk about how he wanted children? About how much he wanted to be a father to someone other then us?"

Brian shook his head. "I got good at it over the years. I could completely ignore the fact that I knew about Ben. Then five minutes later I could call Beth and talk about him with her. Find out how he was doing."

"You knew Beth had cancer didn't you?" Brian nodded. "I've been helping her out since she got sick."

"So you knew that the mother of your cousin's only son had cancer and that she had no one to take care of him after she died?" Brian nodded. "I thought she would ask me."

"What?" AJ shouted in disbelief. This was fucking ridiculous. "You thought she would ask you?"

"Alex I don't really want to talk about this anymore, especially if you're going to yell at me."

"I don't care Brian! Just help me understand this." AJ sat back down. "I'm sorry. I'll try not to yell again."

Brian looked up at him. "Before we go on, tell me something."

"What?"

"Did Kevin realize what I said or was it only you?"

AJ took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Getting angry with Brian was not going to make the past change. He was trying to deal with his temper before he went off on people.

"Kevin hasn't said anything to me about it. I don't think he realized what you said."

"Are you going to tell him?"

AJ shook his head. Brian let out a sigh of relief. "If Kevin asks me though, I'm not going to lie to him."

Brian nodded. "I understand."

AJ ran his hand through his hair. "Can we go out back? I really need a cigarette."

Brian stood up, following AJ out back. Eve got up and followed them outside. Neither of them said anything until AJ had smoked half a cigarette.

"Tell me why you thought Beth would give custody of Ben to you." Brian squinted in the sun. "Can I have a cigarette AJ?"

AJ handed him one and Brian lit it. "I fell in love with Beth. I even thought we could have a future together. Then I realized I couldn't ever be with her. What if it got out that I was with the mother of Kevin's son? I mean look at him. He looks just like Kevin." Brian took a drag on the cigarette.

Exhaling, he turned to face AJ. "The question would have been: why isn't Kevin with her? And we would have had to answer that question one of two ways: by hiding your relationship or by answering truthfully. So instead of hurting the two of you, I decided to hide my feelings."

AJ lit another cigarette and watched as Brian was smoking his. Part of him wanted to shake Brian and make him realize that he had acted like an idiot. He wanted to scream at him. The rest of him just wanted to listen to Brian speak.

"I'm sorry I lied. I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be me. I realized I would be happy but I wouldn't be me if I had Beth. So I tried with Leighanne and I fucked it up. And I tried it again with Shelley and I fucked it up. I had my one love and she died two weeks ago. I don't even want to try again. I loved her AJ. Can't you just understand that?"

AJ heard the pain in Brian's voice. Putting out his cigarette, he pulled Brian in for a hug. Brian buried his head in AJ's shoulder, sobs racking his body. AJ didn't know what to do now. He still wanted to know the truth, but Brian couldn't go on anymore. There was no way he would do that to one of his best friends.

"It's okay Brian." AJ rubbed his back softly. "I already knew you loved her."

Brian wiped his eyes, looking up at AJ. "How did you know?"

"I walked into Beth's bedroom one morning before you had left. I saw the two of you together. And I saw the way you looked at her whenever you thought we weren't looking."

"I never meant to hurt anyone."

AJ wiped Brian's cheeks with his thumbs. "You didn't hurt anyone by loving her. Everything else came from some misguided attempt to save yourself and to save us. We won't tell Kevin what you did and what you knew. Just please stop crying. I can't watch you cry anymore."

Brian sniffled loudly. "Thank you AJ."

AJ nodded. He lit another cigarette and looked out on the backyard. "I can't watch anyone cry anymore. I've seen too many people cry and I've cried too much in the past year. Ever since that fucking vacation. Did you ever see me cry before then?"

Brian shook his head, extremely confused by AJ's change of heart.

"I'm so weak now. Do you know what I do every night before I climb into bed with Kevin?"

"No."

"I pray Brian. I haven't prayed since I was 12. I stopped the day the priest told my Sunday school class that homosexuality will send you to hell. I figured what's the point in praying if I have no hope of getting to heaven."

"Praying doesn't make you weak AJ." AJ didn't even respond. "I don't think you're weak. I think you're one of the strongest people I know."

Brian took the pack of cigarettes from AJ's hand, lighting another one up for himself. He never smoked, but today he really needed them. AJ didn't even move to stop him.

"I go into the bathroom every evening, get on my knees and pray that I will make it through this. That someday I will be happy again."

AJ turned to Brian, his eyes wet with unshed tears. "I'm not happy Brian. I haven't been happy for a long time."

"Have you told Kevin?"

AJ nodded. "We don't know what to do to make me feel better. Karen wants to put me on Prozac."

"Do you want to take it?"

AJ shook his head. "I made it through this spring without it. I don't need it now."

Brian was quiet. "Alex, if we could have gotten you on medicine, we would have. You were comatose most of the spring."

"Yeah, but it helped me get through everything."

"Alex think about it. You don't have to feel this way all the time. It can go away."

AJ laughed hollowly. "I told you I was weak. No one else sees that yet. If I go on medication to control my emotions everyone is going to know that I'm weak. Just like the fact that I'm an alcoholic. That is weakest thing I've ever done, admitting that."

AJ's voice was filled with anger at himself. Brian was getting scared. He didn't want to be the one hearing this. Where was Kevin when he needed him? Slipping his hand into his pocket, he pulled out his cell phone.

"I'll be right back AJ."

"Dad, come swim with me!" Ben called from the pool, waving his father over.

"In a few minutes Ben. I need to finish talking to JC."

"Okay!" Ben climbed out of the pool and ran over to the diving board again.

"No running Benjamin! Sorry about that JC. Where were we?"

"Do you know how strange it is to hear you saying stuff like that?"

"Why is it strange JC? I've been acting like a parent the past 10 years. Only now I'm acting like a parent with my son."

"I can't wait to meet him. None of us can."

Kevin shifted in his chair. "You guys will meet him soon enough. We're definitely going to your Orlando show. Actually Ben's best friend from home Brielle is coming down to visit him around the same time. He hasn't told her that she's not only going to get to meet the Backstreet Boys, but she's also going to get to go backstage and meet all of 'Nsync as well."

"I take it Brielle is a fan."

"Just a little bit. Every time she calls and I answer the phone she gets so flustered she hangs up. It's kind of cute."

"I'll take your word for it. Now I take it Lance hasn't called you about the last show has he?"

"Well Lance and I still don't talk unless we have to JC. So no he hasn't called me."

"We want you five to join us onstage for the last song. We've been performing a song called The River that the five of us wrote. We want you guys to do that song with us. It would mean a lot to us."

Kevin shifted again. "I haven't been onstage in months JC. I don't know if I can."

"Kev please. The whole thing has blown over and it would mean a lot for the fans to know that you are still around. Just think about it okay."

"I'll think about it okay JC. And I will talk to the other guys about it."

"Thanks Kev. I really appreciate it. We all appreciate it."

"No problem JC. So give me the dirt. How's everyone? How's your man?"

JC was quiet. "Can we not talk about Joey?" His voice was a strange combination between anger and apathy. Kevin was intrigued, but he didn't want to upset JC.

"No problem. How's Justin?"

"Curly's doing good. As crazy and hyper as ever. Unfortunately he has no Nick to be hyper with. He's driving Lance close to the brink of insanity."

"Why?" Kevin waved to Ben. He covered the receiver on the phone. "I'm watching. Go ahead."

"Justin's latched himself to Lance like a lost child. It's pretty funny for the rest of us actually. I have never seen Scoop so frazzled."

"Are Dani and the girls still on tour with you guys?"

"Actually they just left a few weeks ago. There's an interesting little story behind it."

Kevin watched as Ben did a dive. "Oh really. I'm listening."

"Dani had been sick the first few weeks she was with us. Not serious or anything, just nausea mostly. Her temper was something else though. I think that was what set Chris' mind wandering. Dani has never had a temper, except when she was first pregnant with the girls."

"No way. She's not pregnant again is she?"

"Yup. They both were quite shocked. She stayed on for a few weeks after she found out, but it got to be too much for her. Unlike last time, her morning sickness is really bad."

"It was probably the best move. I'll have to give her a buzz and see how she's doing."

"Dad! Come on!" Ben shouted from the diving board, getting impatient.

"Hey JC, can I talk to you later? Ben's getting very impatient for me to join him in the pool. Someone's angling for a dunking or two."

"No problem Kev. Think about what I asked okay."

"I will JC. It was great to talk to you. Tell everyone I said hey."

"Sure thing Kev. Bye."

"Bye JC."

Kevin hung up the phone, setting it down on the chair. He got up and rushed down to the pool, diving shallowly into the water. He swam under water to Ben, grabbing his legs and pulling him under.

They both came up for air, laughing. Ben jumped on his father's back and tried to pull him under. Neither of them heard the phone ring.

---So Brian knew all along. Bet you guys didn't know that. Well except for you DJ but that's because I told you. Email me guys! I want to know what you guys think.---