EPISTOLARY 7
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"EPISTOLARY" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
EPISTOLARY
by Andrej Koymasky © 2020
written on August 10, 1990
Translated by the Author
English text kindly revised by
George Marti
PART SEVEN
Friday 27th of March
from Salerno
You really launched yourself into it!
You still don't write "cock" but you wrote dick, ass, fuck, cum, several times... These are not dirty words, there are no dirty words, really, but just dirty deeds like stealing, killing, despising and so on.
You are to me the first really absolute male. There is always a first time, it is said. We will learn. I don't think it will be so different than between a man and a woman. Other than some variations, of course. Also with me, the first time, we just jacked off and kissed. It is time now to try all the rest. We have to learn to know each other's body. I too, in a sense, have to learn to write. We will learn together.
I will be in Rome on April 6th. I'll stop at the same hotel. But I'll also come and spend time at your place. Don't worry.
I desire you a lot. If I try not to hurry you, it is for you, not for me. Anyway, that nice king size bed of yours, will become our accomplice. It will be up to all sorts of mischief, varied like all the colours; a lot more than my envelopes, I promise you.
Yes, I think it will be better to get a lubricant! I'll look for it.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways! No, you really cannot know how many times I think of you these days: Now I take the train! Now I go to meet Federico! I go to his place. I strip him naked! I make love with him. I force him to love me. Until he will be the one to beg me to remain. Until he completely surrenders to me. Until he will become madly in love with me.
But alas, It is not right to force anyone. Especially the one you love.
I warn you: with Carla, in bed, I was really unrestrained. I feel that with you I'll be that way, even more.
But only if you persuade me! If you persuade me that you really want me. That you really love me. That you desire me also. That you can't do without me. That you want to be mine. As I want to be yours. You will have to persuade me, I warn you.
It will not be easy. Because I know that you want all that. But you are just starting to be aware of that. All right, it is too complicated. I'll explain to you personally when we meet.
Ciao, handsome male. Take care of yourself and think of me. And don't jack off too much! Leave something for me also. I love you.
yours S.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Roma, Roma, 3
_Dearest Sebastiano,
For sure this letter will not arrive in time for you to get it before you leave for Rome, but I will write it and send it all the same; you will find it when you get back home.
I'm waiting for you with real longing, and with much trepidation. Will I be able to pass the test? Will I be able to express all my love for you, to remove the last uncertainties, the last fears, the last hesitations?
I want it to be so, I really want it to be. I want to have your naked body in my arms, I want to be in your arms, I want to get intoxicated by you. I want make you feel, with all the parts of my body on all the parts of yours, that I love you.
But I'm afraid I may not be able to do it. I'm afraid I'll ruin everything with my tension, with my residual fears.
That's why I write you this letter.
If what I fear happens, forgive me please and give me another chance, let's us try again.
You will tell me, now, that I'm bandaging my head before breaking it, and perhaps you are right.
Possibly everything will work perfectly and when you read these lines you'll just smile at me, laugh at my fears.
How can someone want something so much and at the same time be so afraid of it? I really must be touched in the head, possibly I do need a psychiatrist. Or will you be enough?
When, as a boy, I accepted the proposals of my school mate, it was all so simple, so easy and even so beautiful. Just after, they convinced me it was something wrong, something to avoid like the plague, and I've grown up with that idea in my head and now it seems so difficult to be completely rid of it.
Just the awareness that between us there is really much more than a simple friendship, just the fact that I finally became aware that we are in love with each other, is giving me some strength to try at least to free myself of that idea.
And your patience, and your perseverance, and your scolding by letter.
And if all that has not yet been sufficient, I beg you, carry on with them. I want to be your lover, I really want that.
If, on the contrary, all goes right, in good course, then this letter is just to tell you how very happy I am, and how much I love you.
_
yours (I hope for real)
Federico
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Tuesday 7th of April
from San Lorenzo Hotel
How tense you were. You were shaking all over. You showed me so much tenderness. I wanted to embrace you, believe me. It was hard for me to remain there still, passive.
The way you were touching me, annoyed me. At the beginning. You were really awkward. At times even rough. At times coarse. But at times also tender and gentle.
I know you wished to be touched by me. And I too was dying with desire to do it. But the test was for you. Following the terms. At least it did work a little.
At the beginning we both had a soft cock. Perforce, it is not in that way that one is presumed to make love. But that wasn't our goal. Then, you succeeded in giving me a good hard on. And as a consequence, you too had a hard on. I liked your cock, beautiful, soaring, firm. Do you know that, when you are aroused, you become more beautiful?
You took it in your mouth. I was feeling your teeth, and that annoyed me a little. But anyway you gave me a blow job.
You also asked me to fuck you in the ass. Not yet. You have first to fuck my ass. But not in a cold way. You must feel such a great desire to enter me, that you cannot do without it. Until you become enthusiastic, I will remain there, inert. Even if I feel a great desire to kiss you, to touch you everywhere. I want to give you a great blow job. I want to fuck your beautiful ass.
Tomorrow, when we leave work, I will not come to your place. We can go everywhere you want, we can be together as long as you want, but nothing more. Today you have to think about it, to let what we did reach a maturity in you. I know that this resembles a little too much like medical care, and after all perhaps it is. If you trust me, I'm sure we can succeed.
The day after tomorrow, if you want, I will come again to your place. I will not stay there, standing in your lounge. You'll tell me where you want me. And how. It is up to you to do it on your own initiative. Because it is your problem. It costs me also to remain so passive, it is against my nature. But when I start to be active, we will sparkle, you and I.
What effect did it have on you? What were you feeling while you were touching me? What was your reaction when you felt my hard cock inside your mouth?
I don't want you answering me in your letter. I want you to tell it to my face. For the moment it's me leading the game. When you are ready, when you'll release your brakes, we will lead it together.
I desire you, Federico. A lot. I love you. Very much.
You have a very nice cock, do you know? I still look forward to tasting it. And you also have a wonderful ass, round, small, firm. And two incredibly sensual lips. And two sweet, puppy eyes. It will be wonderful when all this comes together. All your body arouses me. I never realized before that a male body can be so arousing. Anyway your body is incredibly arousing. Your strong arms. Your smooth hairless chest. Apart from those nice, little tufts around your nipples. And you strong, firm legs, covered by a light velvet down. You are a really handsome man.
This time we didn't cum. Nothing wrong. You don't have to worry.
But Thursday, you will undress me, slowly, sensuously. Without hurry. Touching me all over. And at the end, I will not go away like I did today, if you want. Today I preferred to come away because we didn't cum. And I understood you wanted to jack off to cum and to release the desire you accumulated. But you were ashamed doing it in front of me, right?
But we don't have to be ashamed of anything, between us. Therefore, when I am not there to touch you, you can jack off without problems. After, you will not need that, be sure. What we are doing is not yet making love...
God, how beautiful you are, naked, in the day light. Possibly because I have a crush on you. The male body, anyway, is so beautiful! When it is well shaped. More than the female body, today for the first time I thought that while admiring you. At least, your body is.
Anyway, it is true. You are really doing your best.
Thank you.
I love you
yours S.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Thursday the 9th of April
from Bar Nazionale
Today was better, wasn't it? And not just because we cum. You were more self confident. More serene. Even if yet uncertain at times. At the beginning you were still trembling. But you are progressing beautifully.
This time it was even more difficult for me to remain still.
Don't worry if you weren't able to fuck my ass. You will succeed the next time. I'm still virgin, and you awkward. Did you ever fuck a woman's ass? I'm not talking about Stefania, of course. Not with her, I'm sure. But another girl? I think not. I did it with Carla. And with her, I also had difficulties, at the beginning. And also my cock skin was hurting. But then we succeeded and we both loved it a lot.
Why didn't you fuck my mouth with your nice big cock? Were you ashamed doing it? You told me that you liked receiving head, right? And I hoped you did try with me. I too am curious to experiment what the feeling is. If you feel like doing it, do it. You can use me, you have to use me. At least in this stage. The real love, that, we will do after. For the moment it is just sex. The fact that I remain there, passive, is not to limit your fantasy or your desires. Everything is good and right, between us. You can also try to impale yourself on my hard rod, sitting on it, if you want. You know how it is done, right?
But hurry up and let yourself go; break out! I can't continue to remain still much longer. It is not my style.
I'm really longing for Saturday.
But why did I fall in love with you? You are so clumsy! I'm joking, of course.
I desire to lick you all over. To feel you all over. To make you shout for the pleasure you feel.
Hurry up, my dear love/
Take care of yourself, and think of me always
yours Sebastiano
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Saturday, the 11th of April
from the Pincio
I was near stopping in you place. I am starting to like it too much. Don't be afraid to hurt me. At the beginning there is pain, of course. But one becomes used to it. And anyway there is also pleasure. At least, I think so.
As soon as you entered me just one centimeter, you came. You were too excited. But I loved feeling you so.
When I was near cumming, I felt like keeping your head down with my hands. But I didn't do it, as was in our pacts. And you didn't pull away. As I hoped, but anyway it surprised me a little. I enjoyed it a lot more. What does my cum taste like? Sweet, bitter, good, bad? I'm really longing to taste yours.
This time you got a hard on right when you were stripping me naked, right? You liked undressing me. We are making progress. I really love how you lightly chew my nipples. Did you realize it? You are skilled.
My ass hole is still hurting a little. But it will pass. As I wrote before, I liked when you were pushing. You were a real young bull in heat. A stud. My stud. And when you came, your eyes were shining. They were sparkling.
For the moment I'm worse than Stefania, right? But I promise you that I will be better than she was, a lot better.
See you tomorrow. Then, in the evening, I have to leave, as I told you. Therefore I will not stop at your place. I want to take the 11 pm train from Termini. So I'll be in Salerno at 1:46. Will you take me to the station?
Now I'm going back to the hotel. I will shower and go to bed. I hope to dream you.
Good night. Think about me, and take care of yourself
yours S.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Roma, 12/4/87
_My dearesr Sebastiano,
It is fifteen before midnight. I just accompanied you to the station. I will miss you. I love you.
Yes, it is very beautiful making love with you, even if you still don't participate, even if I'm still so awkward. I'm really longing for you starting to be active, but even in this way it is still beautiful.
I love sucking your cock, I love it's taste, I love pushing my cock between your lips, deep in your mouth, and also pushing it inside your ass hole, even though I still worry it may hurt you. I love impaling myself, sitting on your hard rod, even if I'm still not able to take it all. It is not hurting really, at least for the moment; I'm not yet able to relax my hole enough to let it slide inside me... But I'll succeed, because I really want to feel all of it deep inside me.
I love looking at you while you are enjoying your orgasm, knowing that it's I who gave you that pleasure, that it is my body that pleasures yours.
I love the way you look at me, I can see your love shining for me in your eyes.
But now, when I look at my wide bed, it seems so empty without you, without your beautiful, lean and slender body to caress, to kiss, to lick, to suck, to hold tight, to feel, to gently bite, to make quiver. And how much more beautiful will it be when you too, are be doing all that to my body?
Tonight, a moment before I opened the door to take you to the station, you embraced me so tight and you kissed me so deep inside my mouth, for a long while, I felt my strength vanishing! I loved it so much!
You bewitched me, Sebastiano.
Do you realize that now you can do with me anything you want? No, I'm not frightened at having sex with you, any more. I hope that you felt it, and that next time you come to Rome you'll again stay at my place, and that we will make love without limit or conditions, I mean you too will participate. Do you promise?
I don't know why people are against two men making love. Possibly because they don't know it is so beautiful. It seems that sex is seen as a dirty thing, especially if it is between two of the same gender. It could even possibly be so, but also between a man and a woman. It is not true that it is dirty, not always, anyway, and not between us, for sure.
Do you know that you kiss in a wonderful way? You have to do it more often, we have to do it more often.
I have here in front of me your picture in the swimming suit, and I look at you, and I think: "he is my male, my man!" and now I like the feeling of these words. It has a good sound, not at all weird. And just think that until a few days ago it would have troubled me, until a few weeks ago it would have made me rebel. Sebastiano is my boyfriend! I feel like opening the window, go out on the roofs and shout it to all the town. No girl, not even the first, ever made me feel like this, do you know that?
Monday at work, I felt almost like I could tell it to everybody, especially to Renzo and Monica who knows you. "Do you know, Sebastiano and I, are in love, make love!" Who knows what what they would do or say? Monica, for sure, would burst with envy. She did lay her eyes on you for a while! Possibly she wouldn't believe me and she would think I'm pulling her leg. So I would tell her: "No no, I'm very serious: I did suck his cock. He has a very beautiful cock, straight and smooth, and when it is hard it is so big and so long! And his cum is warm, slightly salty, creamy and tasty. And he kisses in a special way..." Are these morbid fantasies? What do you think?
I miss you. You just left and I miss you a lot. How long will it be before we meet again? Really one month? Can't you come here sooner? Do you want me to come to Salerno?
Or perhaps you just want to be left in peace for a while, without this pain in the ass near you?
Anyway, I'm waiting for you, you know it. I love you. Also that you know. I want to be yours.
Ciao, my beautiful love
_
Federico
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Thursday 16th of April
from Salerno
Even registered express! You were really in a hurry. But I appreciated it.
I too miss you. But don't shout it from your window. Expecially not in night time. They will put you in jail. For disturbing the public peace. And possibly also for obscenity.
Joking aside, I understand you very well.
When I come to Rome next time, I'll come to stay with you. And we will make love every day. And I will no longer be still. Not only because I think it is no longer needed. Above all because it is too much for me to stay still near you. I really was at my imit, I swear.
I'm working like a mad man. To end sooner and come up sooner. I really hope I can. I will rather let behind other works. Including Rodolfo and Theo. So, possibly, I can come to you sooner.
You can come to Salerno when you want. But we will never be alone. Very difficult. Will it not be worse to desire each other, to be so near, and not be able to even give each other just a peck? But I would like you to meet my family.
The day before yesterday I met Carla. We made love. I prefer you. Even if she is skilled and very good. But I prefer you, really. Even if you still are clumsy. But with her it is just sex. With you it is making love. From her, I just take. To you, I want also to give. I mean pleasure. Even if up to now I didn't give it to you. But you know why. But everything will change, you'll see.
If you like it even now, next time it will be better. A lot better.
And then, I am noticing another difference. Your body is like mine. Lean, strong, firm. Not soft and round like a women's body. And I'm discovering that I prefer the manly one. I think that, after all, I possibly am a fag. Just to use a stupid label. I don't feel like one. I feel perfectly straight, making love with you. But if I really am a fag, then... hurrah!
Do you know why fags are despised? Because they think that a fag is half a woman. And that they attempt to seduce children. And as you wrote, that they do dirty things. But what is dirty? To put it in an ass? How many men do it to their women? A lot. Is it then dirty to take a cock in his mouth? How many women do suck it? A lot. And then, if they don't do dirty things, why are the fags dirty? All bullshit! All absurd prejudices. The one who thinks that way is the one who is dirty. He has a dirty mind.
Gosh, hell and damn! I fukingly love you! And I miss you a lot.
And I'm happy. Because you did all you did for me. You are splendid. Id you didn't love me, why on earth did you have to do it? You would have slammed the door in my face. You would have spat on me. But you love me.
I hope I can come to Rome soon.
For the moment, take care of yourself. Then soon, I'll take care of you!
yours Sebastiano
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Roma, 28/4/87
_My beloved,
Your letter was late coming and I started to worry. But now here it is, with another splendid envelope. You know, I thought that perhaps you were disappointed with me, and that perhaps you were no more interested in me, and I felt lost.
You are becoming so important to me that just the idea of not having you any more, made me feel ill, physically, I mean.
Don't worry, I will not do silly things, I will not shout from the roof that I'm in love with you. I will shout it just inside my heart, because in there it will raise wonderful echoes.
But I'm really longing to have you here, with me, finally happy about me. And I'm really longing to make love with you, this time with no limits, by no rules, and you too fully participating, and I want, after making love, for you to remain at my side, with me. I fell like I have passed an exam, or better, graduated from the university, or even more.
Love is a splendid thing. It seems a commonsense sentence, a stock phrase, and instead it is true, wonderfully true. Sure, it will not be so intense and magnificent every day like in this discovery period, and because I think that such an intensity without a rest could even kill. But it is splendid.
Possibly after a while I will calm down, things will seem more normal, but I believe that it is somewhat like winning the lottery: there and then, when you discover that you have won, when you receive all those millions, you feel overwhelmed, you feel you are becoming crazy from happiness, but then you get used to it. But, if you are able to wisely administer your new wealth, to wisely invest it, your life will have a change in quality and you can live on the interests, and be wealthy. You don't have the first enthusiasm any more, but the fruits remain: before you were poor, now you are rich. I think it is also true with love.
Now I feel like I won the lottery. If we are able to well administer our love, to wisely invest it, we will be wealthy all our life long.
Don't you think so?
At times, thinking "all life long" I feel a little afraid. It seems to me quite as if I were challenging destiny, presuming too much. I ask myself: that if one day one of us will say: enough? I know it can happen. How many great loves (or so presumed to be) have miserably wrecked after one year, a few years or more? I'm not able to find any other answer but this one: You have just to try to do your best, to put in the best of yourself to do so it can't die.
Sure, at least for the moment, just the idea that our love can one day end, makes me feel bad. I'm investing all of myself in it, without reservation, without limits. I think this is the right thing to do.
From what I know of you, I think that you will do the same. But it is possible that one day one of us changes, becomes crazy. What can we do? Nothing, I think. We have just to hope it will not happens and, in the meanwhile, to fully live the joy of being with each other, of living this love. In a way, to live from day to day, even while making programs, while dreaming, hoping.
What do you think about this, my love?
Anyway I hope I never disappoint you, never make you tired of me. I'll do my best.
What you write about the male body that, in your opinion, is more beautiful than the female one, I had never thought about it. I think you are right. Anyway I liked passing my hand over your smooth and firm chest more than feeling a girl's breast. I liked holding in my hand your beautiful hard and throbbing dick, more than fingering that soft furrow. I liked the feeling in my mouth of your firm and sound cock, with its good smell, more than passing my tongue in that wet slit with its undefinable smell. I liked caressing your smooth cheeks with just an inkling of your bristly beard. But possibly these preferences are just because I'm in love with you. Anyway, I can recognize myself in you, and this is something that could never happen with a woman. You are I and I am you. Moreover, just the fact I can penetrate you, and then you can penetrate me, makes me feel your peer. After all, women can just receive you, you can never receive them. Another thing I loved: being able to drink your cream, receiving in me a part of you: I think it is something special. Don't you agree?
Our love is at the same level, and that with a woman could never be. I don't want to be a chauvinist male, I believe in the rights and dignity and equality between women and men, I always believed in that. But they will always be two different beings.
Who knows, then, why the homosexuals are often defined "different"? More "equals" it seems to me.
Yes, I understand what you wanted to say when you affirmed that you don't feel gay. I too am starting to understand it. Really: I don't give a shit if I'm gay or not. Just labels, as you always said. A man is never just a label. Just one thing I care: that you love me, that I love you. That I discovered you, that I discovered love.
It is true that this sentiment is so great that words are not sufficient to express it: we need to use each of our bodies. The union that is developing between us is physical, spiritual, affective, intellectual: it involves us completely, globally and nothing, nothing remains out of it.
I love you, Sebastiano, with all of myself.
A big, big kiss
_
yours Fede
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Friday 8th of May
from Salerno
Dear, dear Federico,
The letter you sent me is wonderful. A hymn, a poem. I always thought you were a poet. And you made me rethink a lot of things.
Yes, it is true, one day all of our love can have an end. But it depends upon us. Let's do our best. We can not say "forever". We can say "as long as possible". Hoping that it will be so long that it never ends.
I too hope you will not get tired of me, that I will never disappoint you.
In the other letter you said that I can do with you anything I want. But you too have this power. I'm entrusting myself to you, like you are doing with me. I'm renouncing my single life. To build our life.
A life alone has a value of 10. A life of two doesn't have a value of 20, but a value of 100. Well, we are not yet at 100. We must not fool ourselves. But we are going in that direction. And I hope soon. I'm giving myself to you. But I have not yet fully done that. And I'm not saying that in just a physical sense.
The other day, Cettina said a very nice thing to me: "Roma is making you well. Since you have gone there to work, you seem to be more... handsome! You like that work, right?" I answered: "Yes." but at the same time I was thinking: "If you knew who is making me more handsome. Not really the work." Anyway I was happy it shows.
Anyway I'm also working a lot. And in a good way. I feel inspired. You are my inspiration.
Don't answer this letter, anyway I'll be there soon. I'll call you at the office to tell you the exact day and hour. I've almost finished this part of my drawings.
Take care, my love. See you very soon.
Yours yours yours
Sebastiano
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
CONTINUES IN PART 8
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