Empty Feelings

By Zeb Direen

Published on Aug 30, 2009

Gay

The silence echoed. I had told him, and he had heard it. So why were we just sitting there? I still don't know why, it may have been him trying to figure it all out. He might have been paralysed with fear, I knew I was. The silence finished, and when it did my heart felt like it stopped beating, just from hearing his voice once again.

"Aaron I..."

We heard the door slam from the house, "Aaron! Is Connor here yet?" Cam yelled out, and before Connor could say anything else Cam was with us, puffing from running down to us. "Hey you're here, why are you both just sitting there?" he looked confused.

"Nothing. Let go inside." Connor said as he got up and started walking back up to the house with Cam. "You coming Aaron?" His voice sounded bitter in my ears.

"Yeah." I conceded. I got up and started to follow them.

My stomach was turning, my brain swelling, and my legs barely able to hold me up. I had told him and Cam comes in and breaks it up. I felt like a duck in the middle of a rifle range, my heart was on a platter under Connors nose, and he had all the dissection tools poised and ready. Every footstep pounded into my brain, every laugh Cam shared with Connor sounded like a muffled child. I tried to laugh with them, but I just felt like I was about to vomit. I could feel the invisible hand of fear clasped firmly around my throat, and all I could do was walk into the house, and watch Peacemaker.

When we were inside the house I felt dizzy, everything looked kind of fuzzy. We went into my room and started watching peacemaker. Connor and Cam sat down on the couch. I sat down last making sure that Cam was between Connor and me.

"I love the starting music." Connor talked first, his voice still sounding like an unreachable prize.

Cam laughed, "Yeah it's a shame they change the lyrics from English to Japanese through out the song."

"Yeah." I half said half sobbed.

"You alright man?" Cam looked me in the eyes, Connor tried to ignore it.

"Yeah I just need something to drink." I got up, "Do you want anything Cam? Con..."

"No I'm fine." Connor cut in.

I left the room before Cam could answer. I could feel my stomach twisting again, my mouth was dry and I could taste the sick feeling I had. I got a glass of water and drank it. I enjoyed the cool feeling before it came up as I vomited into the bathroom sink. I couldn't hold it back anymore, the tears I held back slithered down my cheeks and fell to the floor.

"Aaron?"

I quickly tried to wipe the tears off my cheeks and turned around. Cam was standing in the bathroom doorway with a glass of soda.

"Dude, you'd better tell me what's going on now." He sat me down on the floor and he sat next to me.

"Cam it's nothing, I guess I'm just tired." I had already told Connor how I feel tonight, and I don't think I could handle telling anyone else.

"And sick." He nodded his head towards the sink. "Are you bulimic? Is that what's going on?" The seriousness in his voice hurt me.

"No I'm not bulimic." I spat "I think you would have known by now if I was."

"Then what is it?" He kept persisting.

I put on my best warmest smile and tried to get out of it again. "Cam it's nothing ok just trust me, I'm feeling tired."

He gave me a half smile, "I don't believe you, and you know it." He leaned in and hugged me. It felt so good to have someone there to protect me and care about me, "When you're ready, you can tell me." He walked out, and then called back "Hurry up Aaron."

I walked back into the room. The show was still going, and Connor was now sitting in the middle of the couch, so I had to sit next to him. I tried to sit as close to the arm of the couch as possible, but I still felt too close to Connor. It's not like I didn't want to be close to him, I just kept thinking if I got too close he'd yell, `Hey! Back off faggot!'

The dvd ended, Cam and Connor were still laughing and talking about what they liked in the show. I got up and took the dvd out and turned the tv off, then grabbed my pyjamas.

"Bed already?" Connor said quickly.

Cam yawned, "It is getting late." He stretched then got up.

"Where do I sleep? Connor asked in a sleepy way that melted my heart.

Cam laughed "You have to sleep in the double bed with Aaron." He kept giggling.

I dropped my pyjamas and walked out of the room. I heard Cam saying something but I couldn't hear him over the rising sickness again. I wanted some fresh air, I wanted to be somewhere they couldn't find me, and I wanted to be alone. I went to the ladder that we keep under the trapdoor that leads to the roof. When I opened the door the sudden first gush of awakening cold air hit me, no feeling can rival it, no feeling comes close to the feeling of fresh, cutting, cold air hitting my warm unprotected skin. I lost my breath for a second and felt calm. I lied down on the roof soaking in the feeling of the freezing cold tin on my back, just trying to forget.

After a few minutes I heard someone come up the ladder. "Cam I told you I just feel a it tired."

"Then you should go to bed." Connors voice sent a shiver down my spine.

"How'd you know I was here?" My voice cracked. The sudden flush of nerves felt like a wave crashing into me.

"From my bedroom window I can see your roof. I sometimes see you up here, talking to yourself, drawing, writing, I've even seen you crying here a few times." He sat next to me and started throwing pebbles that he found on the tin.

I could feel my resistance weakening, I could smell his deodorant. It was intoxicating, it comforted me as I said "I told you that I love you."

He looked down, "Yeah I remember." He sighed and buried his head into his hands.

The tears once again started to roll down my cheeks. I got up "I'm sorry." I started to leave.

"No Aaron, don't." He lifted his head up and looked through my eyes into my soul, his blue eyes reflected the silver moonlight, and his hair waved in the wind. He grabbed my hand to try and stop me.

"What?" Talking was an effort as he held my hand, the warmth of his hand against mine, I felt bad but good at the same time.

"I. I don't know, I mean I don't know what to think." A tear rolled down his eye and caught the moonlight. "I have looked at you in that way, but it might just be a phase."

The words struck deep, a phase, like he might test out his feelings and leave me as an empty emotional husk. "What if it isn't a phase?" A spark of hope flared as I spoke.

"Well I dunno. I haven't even tried anything to see." He stood up, still holding my hand. He put his other hand on my cheek, moved his face in close to mine, then pressed his lips against mine.

Thank you all for your encouraging emails :) I am sorry that part 2 was so short but i wanted to leave it at that point. I Promise the next part will be longer. But please don't be scared to Email me and tell me what you think :) hell_mancer@hotmail.com


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