I woke up one day, and there it was. Right there. In front of my face. That fast. Yep. I'm gay. I guess I've always known that I was different from other boys. I mean, when I was 11, I knew that I enjoyed looking at other boys, but I wanted to believe that that was normal. I spent the next three years of my life in denial.
ooOoo
I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Les. And, when I was 14, I realized that I was gay. And what did I immediately do after I got to that point? I fell madly in love with my best friend. Typical.
There really wasn't anything spectacular about Sean-except maybe his personality. He was so wild! There wasn't much he wouldn't do. He was never afraid of what anyone else thought of him. And he was always ready to lend a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen. That's really what I loved about him. He always listened to what I had to say, and never judged me. There aren't many people in this world like that these days. I guess it's kinda corny to say that I didn't love him for his looks, but it's true. He had jet black hair and brown eyes. His face was rather plain, except for the huge scar on his forehead. He got that in a car accident when he was 3. He was about average height, 5'9", and was not too fat, and not too thin. Having said that, I still didn't think I was worthy of him. I had brown hair and brown eyes, and I later discovered that I was rather attractive to the girls. One big problem-I'm practically a midget, being only 5'4" tall. Well, I saw myself as a midget, anyway. I also thought I was too skinny, and I needed a LOT of toning up!
Of course, at that time, Sean didn't know I was gay. No one did. I was so afraid of what would happen if anyone knew. And I had no doubt that I would lose Sean as a friend if he ever found out. So I stayed WAY in the closet. So, as you can imagine, being a freshman in high school was so hard. Especially after Gym class in the shower rooms. All those naked guys standing around me, I had to constantly fight a hard-on. I think I hold the record for quick showers. Of course, I did sneak a peek at the other guys' cocks once in a while. Especially Sean's. He was huge! I swear, he was at least 5 inches soft. I could only imagine what it looked like when he had a boner. Gawd, it was probably 8 inches!
I made it through my freshman year okay. I almost got caught peeking at guys in the showers a couple of times, but I always shot back with something like "Well, if you hadn't been looking at me, you wouldn't have know if I was looking, would you?" That usually shut `em up pretty quickly. I guess everybody was just as self-conscious as I was.
My sophomore year wasn't quite as easy. Like any teen at that point in their life, my emotions were running on high gear. My love for Sean was growing steadily every day, as was the physical desire for him. All it took was a look from him and I was as hard as steel instantly. It got pretty embarrassing at times. Especially in the middle of class. Invariably, the teacher would call me to the front of the room
to write on the chalkboard, give a report, or whatever. It never failed.
As soon as I looked at Sean and got excited, the teacher would call my name. Somehow I think they knew what they were doing to me.
After school, Sean and I would do best friend things. We would go to the mall and hang out, go to the movies and catch a flick, maybe go to the arcade once in a while. To him this was all just fun between friends. To me, we were dating. We spent almost every waking moment together. I kept falling deeper and deeper in love with him. It didn't help that he never had a girlfriend. That just gave me hope that I had a chance with him romantically. Most of the time, when you get your hopes up like that, you're setting yourself up for a huge fall.
At some point during the summer after our sophomore year, Sean and I had some stupid little disagreement. I think it happened because we spent too much time together. Things like that happen when you suffocate one another. Well, I guess I was suffocating him, but I couldn't get enough of him. I thought that every moment we spent together would bring me that much closer to lying in his arms.
For the rest of that summer, and through our junior year and the following summer, we never even saw each other, and neither of us really tried to get in touch with the other. He never came around because he was angry with me, and I never tried to see him because I didn't want him to be any angrier with me. It was a vicious cycle that couldn't be broken unless one of us went out on a limb. I'm not a good climber.
ooOoo
Throughout that time, I still loved Sean. In fact, my love for him continued to grow. When our senior year came around, I made a vow to myself that I was going to make one more try to win Sean's love. I knew that I probably only had this one last chance, because he was planning to move away after he graduated. So, when he and I got stuck in the same English class, sitting right next to each other, I saw that as a sign from above. And when it was time for us to do our research papers, I was quick to suggest that we work together. He happily accepted. I was totally surprised because I thought he'd hated me. Maybe I was wrong.
Every week, Sean and I went to the library to do research, and used one of the private study rooms to take notes and help each other find information. I used this time to try to get close to him again. And it worked. Very well, in fact. Better than I'd ever hoped. Within a couple of weeks, it was just like it had been during our sophomore year. Each time we were together, I had the urge to tell him how I felt about him. I kept dropping hints, but he never picked up on them. So one day, I just told him, point-blank.
"Sean?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm gay."
"???"
"Did you hear what I said?"
"No, you're not. You can't be."
"Why can't I be?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Just because."
End of discussion. After that, he acted like I had never told him anything. I decided that he just needed time to accept what I'd told him. It WAS a big thing to drop on him all of a sudden. So, I waited about a week for him to deal. When he still didn't act like I had told him anything after that time, I decided that I had to have some answers. So, one day after our English class, I approached him.
"Sean, do you have any questions you wanna ask me?"
"About what?"
"About what I told you the other day at the library."
"Oh, THAT. No, I don't guess so."
"So you believe me now?"
"No, not really."
That night, I went home and wrote him a two-page letter telling him again that I was gay, and explaining what that meant. Of course, I still didn't have the guts to tell him how I felt about him. I gave it to him the next day at school, and a few days later, he started giving me advice on what guys liked, and how I could get a guy to like me. What a change! He was still the understanding and compassionate friend that I remembered from two years before. I was glad that I hadn't lost him. But, our relationship didn't magically blossom like I thought it would. I was so naive.
The last week of school, I knew my last chance was coming up fast. So, I took him to the most secluded spot on campus, and told him how I felt about him. Our conversation ended with me crying on his shoulder. Sean was still understanding, but he made sure I knew that he was straight. He also told me that he had a girlfriend (news to me) and that he wanted me to meet her.
"Look, Les. I know you think you love me."
"I don't think, I know!"
"Okay, you know you love me. But you're going to have to deal with the fact that I don't want you like that. Les, I've got a girlfriend. I don't know why I didn't tell you before, but I guess it's cuz I thought
you wouldn't be interested. I guess I should've. But, anyway, I want you to meet her. I'm going to bring her by your house tonight at 7:00. Is that okay with you?"
I was mortally wounded, but somehow I managed to whisper "Yeah, sure. That's fine. But don't expect that to make me get over you."
"It's gonna have to."
He did as he said he would. Around 7:00, he knocked on my front door, and introduced me to his girlfriend.
"Les, I this is Chasity. Chass, this is my best friend, Les."
Psh. Best friend my ass! "Umm. hi Chasity."
The three of us talked for a couple of hours. And, somehow, during that time, I actually got to like Chasity a little bit. We exchanged email addresses, and promised to email each other even after I graduated. Isn't it weird how things work out sometimes? But, I was right. I still wasn't over Sean, but I didn't feel so bad about not having him anymore.
ooOoo
That night was the first time I ever had the dream.
I was walking down a hallway, with doors on both sides of me. I stopped in front of one of them. On that door, the number 257 was displayed. When I opened the door, I saw the most drop-dead gorgeous boy I've ever seen in my life. He looked at me, and a smile spread across his face. He was happy to see me. And I was happy to see him. He held out his hand, which held a ring. Apparently it was his class ring. The one thing I noticed about it was the Emerald Green stone in the center.
When I woke up, I looked at the alarm clock beside my bed. DAMN! I was late for school! Ah, well. At least it was Friday. Wait, this was my last day of school! I should've been happy, but I wasn't. I just knew that I wouldn't see Sean again after we graduated. Even though I knew that there was no chance for us, I still loved him. And it hurt.
When I got to school in the middle of first period, I expected the halls to be empty, but they weren't. They were full of crying seniors. Oh, that's right. we didn't have to go to class today. It was our day to
say goodbye. I looked everywhere, but I didn't see Sean anywhere. Where could he be? Finally, I found another of my friends, Scott, who also was Sean's friend.
"Scott, you seen Sean?"
"Naw, not today. He stayed home. He's packin' his stuff and getting ready to move."
I guess I was shit outta luck, eh? I didn't get a chance to see Sean before graduation night, and I didn't get to talk to him then. During the summer, I received a few letters from him, and that was enough for me. I was glad that he hadn't forgotten about me. I wrote back to him, and I guess you could say we became pen-pals. At least we still had our friendship.
Throughout the summer, I kept having dreams with that damned class ring with the emerald in it. And the same guy was almost always in the dream somewhere. Over time, I saw more and more details about the ring. And I saw that the name on the side of it was Chris. Hmmm. I like that name.
ooOoo
Well, August rolled around, and it was finally time to start college. When I got my dorm room assignment, I saw that I'd been given room number 378, and my roommate's name was Brannon Qualls. I went up to my room, and when I opened the door, I saw a blond-haired Adonis on the other side. My heart skipped a beat. But, then I heard him talking.
"Those goddamned n***ers really fucked up the place this summer, didn't they?"
I know the astonishment showed on my face, because he blushed slightly, and he didn't say another word. As soon as I heard the n-word come out of his mouth, I knew I wanted another roommate. I can't STAND racist people! I think I could've killed him right then and not felt any remorse.
I went back down to the main lobby, to the front desk, and asked for reassignment. I only had to sleep in the same room as the asshole one more night.
The next morning, I received my reassignment paper. I couldn't believe my eyes! I almost fainted right there in the lobby! My new room number was 257! And when I looked at the name of my new roommate, my heart stopped. His name was Chris Wright. Ohmygod! His first name was the same as in my dream! How could this be happening? This only happens in the movies! I'm not psychic. or am I?
ooOoo
I went up to my new room, and when I opened the door, he was waiting there for me.
"Hi, I'm Chris. You must be my new roommate. Nice to meet you."
"I. I'm Les."
Chris was the guy from my dream. I have no idea how I stayed conscious the whole time. I've heard of deja vu, but this was ridiculous!
We got along well from the very start. I would say something about myself, like "I grew up in a small town." And he would say "Me too." I told him I liked books. So does he. We had everything in common.
Midway through our conversation, Chris looked at me seriously and said, "Les, there's something I gotta tell you before you move in."
Uh-oh. Here it comes. He's gonna drop the bombshell on me now. I was waiting for this.
"I'm gay." He said, matter-of-factly.
Heart attack! "Wha."
"God, I knew it! Now you want to leave don't you! Shit! I can't do ANYTHING right!" He began to sob openly.
"Hey, hey. Calm down, man. I don't want to leave. You just surprised the hell out of me. I. well. I'm gay too."
ooOoo
After Chris calmed down, we had a long talk. It turns out that I was the first person he ever told that he was gay. I felt honored, but I
was also confused. Why would he choose me? So, I asked him about it.
"Hey, Chris. Lemme ask you something."
"Yeah, sure."
"Why me?"
"Why you, what?"
"Why'd you pick me to come out to. You didn't even know me. You still don't know me. For all you knew, I coulda been a gay- basher."
"I dunno. There was just something about you, I guess. And besides, I've been having this dream."
Surprise number two. Is it possible to have two heart attacks in one day? I don't think I can take much more of this.
"D.dream? What kind of dream?"
"Well, I've been having this dream lately. The same one. Over and over. And you were in it."
"Details."
"It's nothing special, really. You just walk through the door like you did earlier, I smile at you (cuz I think you're hot) and I give you my ring."
Did he just say I was hot? "You think I'm. hot?"
At my remark, Chris' face turned a bright shade of pink that made him look sooooo sexy. He fidgeted a little, and at last, after what seemed like an eternity to me, he said, "Uh-huh."
Now it was my turn to blush. "I think you're kinda cute, too."
"Just kinda cute?", Chris said with mock anger.
"Well, all right. I admit it! You're a full-on hottie! Happy now?!"
"Yeah, I guess I'm satisfied." He said with a sly grin on his face. He could look so devilish! And, big surprise here, it made him even sexier.
Chris helped me move all my stuff into his room, and we talked and had fun like we'd known each other for years. Chris was every bit as wild and crazy as Sean had ever been. In fact, being around Chris made me forget all about Sean.
After all of my stuff was in his room (I didn't think we'd ever get it all put away, but we did it somehow) I told Chris about the dream I'd been having-the very same one he had been having. I think he freaked out as much as I did. In the end, we decided that the common dream meant that it was our fate to be roommates.
ooOoo
As the weeks went by, Chris and I became great friends. We told each other everything. I thought about him a lot. Even when we weren't together, he was on my mind. And, somehow, I fell in love with him without realizing it at first. I knew something was up when I felt myself drifting off during our conversations. I would lose myself in his bright green eyes. I would find myself breathless watching his sensuous lips move. Sometimes he would realize that I was staring at him, not listening to him, and he would blush. Well, that only made me love him more. I couldn't get enough. So, after we had been roommates for about two months, I decided I would make my move.
From what little I heard during our late-night conversations, I knew that Chris was a hopeless romantic. He was into roses, candlelight, and making love under the stars. I wanted our first night together to be perfect. I sent him to the store to pick up some things, and while he was gone, I went to work on our little evening. I left Chris a note to meet me at the park a block from our dorm. When Chris arrived, it was 10:00 p.m., and I was ready for him. The weather was just right, not a cloud in the star-spangled sky. A blanket was spread on the ground, underneath our favorite tree. I had scattered rose petals all over the blanket, and on the ground. Our little corner of the world was lit only by the stars, the full moon, and two candles.
Chris came to me, and sat down beside me on the blanket. He started to say something, but I hushed him.
"Chris, I have something I want to tell you. I've loved you since the first time I saw you. I want us to be together. I want to share myself with you. Completely."
"Are you sure you're ready?"
"I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Chris, do you love me?"
"Yes, of course I love you. Can't you tell?"
"If you love me, then love me."
"I do, and I will."
"Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"Be gentle with me. I've never done this before."
Flushing with excitement, Chris answered "Neither have I."
He unbuttoned his shirt, and took me into his arms, and we kissed for the first time. My head spun as our tongues timidly met between us. There really were fireworks.
We helped each other with our clothes, and lay naked together on the blanket that was as soft as the finest goosedown. We lay with our foreheads touching, and when Chris found his way into me, I felt pain melt into sweetness like some wild and exotic herb that may only be tasted once in a lifetime. I held the taste as long as I could, until at last the sweetness overcame it and I gave in to that, moaning and rubbing my forearms against the side of his neck. We made love in that park with no other care in the world, and we never looked back.
And at the end of it, I discovered that there was more than that sweetness. There was a kind of delirious clenching of the nerves that began in the part of my body that opened before Chris like a flower. It began there and filled my whole body. I cried out his name again and again, thinking there could not be so much pleasure in the world. I thought I would die of it. Chris added his voice to mine, and the sounds of nature wrapped around us both. As I pulled him closer to me, locking my ankles together around his waist, and covering his face with fierce kisses, his going out rushed after mine, as if trying to catch up. So were we joined in the loss of our virginity.
"Chris."
"Hmmm?"
"Will you take care of me?"
"Oh, Les. I'll always take care of you. From this moment on, we'll be together forever."
We made love twice more that night, under the stars. In the afterglow of love, we walked the block back to our shared dorm room hand-in-hand. I had finally found my soul mate.
When we walked through the door to our room, Chris took the class ring with the emerald stone off his finger, gave it to me and said,
"I've loved you since the day I met you, and I'll always love you."
I slept that night in the arms of my first lover, and the dreams we had were the same. They were of us. Together forever.