Emanon Chapter 16
Hello y’all. I’m back from a seriously long hiatus, sorry about that.
I just reread my previous story, Alex and Sebastian, and felt a new sense of inspiration. Give it a look if you like what you’re reading. I’ll place the link for that one below.
Hope you guys enjoy!
http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/college/alex-and-sebastian/
A fellow reader made a playlist with most of the songs I’ve used for writing. If y’all want to give it a listen, the link for it is this:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJZWEUrY9KRSfQ98rYlMYix46VM0CJ7XS
Songs on YouTube:
Fight or Flight - Conan Gray
I updated my email to unfinishedthoughts013@gmail.com if you’d like to reach me!
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The Birthday
I ran closer to the basketball net and reached my hands out as my teammate passed the ball in my direction. In a quick motion, I grabbed the ball, aimed and shot at the net above me. The ball rolled around the rim for a couple of seconds before finally slipping through and giving our team the win.
“Hell yeah. Nice job, Darren!” Freddy, one of the guys on my team, congratulated me.
“Psh, lucky shot,” Alexis, a guy on the opposing team, wiped sweat from his brow. Despite it being a friendly match between the guys on our team, we were a very competitive bunch. “I could have blocked it if I made it to you on time.” He tossed me the ball harder than necessary. I caught it and brought it close to my chest.
Being a year older than me, Alexis’ face had the unmistakable signs of stubble, something that I had found quite hot in the recent months. At the moment, his face was flushed and his black hair disheveled, another thing that made him look extremely attractive. I gave the sweaty senior a cocky grin, “Too bad you weren’t, old man.”
Alexis snorted at my teasing and turned away with a wave of his hand. “Whatever. Next time I won’t take it easy on you, bro.”
“For sure!” I laughed as I headed to the bleachers and took my phone out of my backpack. I saw I had a text from Drew:
- Can’t hang out today. Sorry. Family business. See you Saturday.
This was the third time in a row Drew had canceled on me since my choir beat him last week at the competition. I hadn’t thought about how much our win would have bothered him–I felt he was avoiding me. I texted back a quick okay and shoved my phone back into my bag, concern filling my head..
“How about another round, old man?” I bounced the ball in Alexis’ direction, eager to be distracted.
Surprised, he caught it mid bounce and nodded.
“Try and keep up this time, though.” I teased.
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With our competition out of the way, only two things in the remaining school year were left that were of interest to me: Diana’s birthday and Prom. As I was told by Micheal walking home after practice, “Diana’s birthday is just an excuse for her to invite people over to her place, drink, and get wasted.”
“While I appreciate her wanting to share her day with us, I doubt she needs an excuse to drink.” I said this as a joke, although lately, I’d noticed that Diana had been drinking more often. Or, more likely, she’d always drank that much and I was only now becoming aware of it.
As we walked, Michael kicked a small branch away from our path and stuck his hands in his pockets. Somehow, this made him look much younger than he was, a fact that made him more endearing to me. “Although I’ve known Diana for years, I still feel there’s this whole side of her I don’t know,” he said, looking down at his feet.
I pondered on this as we got to the fork in the road that led to our different homes. “Well,” I stopped at the intersection of both our streets. “I’m still looking forward to spending her birthday at her dad’s place.” I thought about one of the last times I partied at Diana’s place - the intimate time I spent with Michael. I smiled at the memory, “It should be fun,” I said.
Michael turned to look at me. “Thanks for walking home with me. I know we said we wouldn’t ruin this or make things weird after that time in the hotel but I just--I like hanging out with you.” He looked away, embarrassed, as he became focused on the trees that lined the road. “Even if it’s just walking home together after practice.”
It was my turn to look embarrassed. Truth be told, I liked hanging out with him, too. But, with Drew and I being together, I knew it was more prudent for Michael and I to just be friends. Still, I was unable to confess, even just to myself, the real reason why I was walking home with him. It was a truth I was now hiding under thick layers of blankets with the resolve to peek at only in short, sporadic glimpses. Too scared to pull off the sheets; too cowardly to admit what I already knew as truth.
“I’ll see you at Diana’s tomorrow then, Michael.” This I allowed myself to speak as I found it increasingly hard to stop myself from asking him to come home with me. Even harder to not tell him that my mom wouldn’t be home till after eight at the earliest. Harder still not tell him that I’d want to have him in my room the way I had him in that hotel a week ago.
I’ll see you tomorrow was the closest I could get to saying I want to see you tonight and later tomorrow morning, too.
If my longing for him was apparent, he didn’t show it. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, Darren.” He offered me a wave before shoving his hand back into his pocket and turning around.
I found myself staring at him walk away for a few more seconds before resolving myself to walk the rest of the way home alone.
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Having already been to Diana’s house before, Tay, Kyle and I had taken the liberty of showing up fashionably late to her house. Mistake #1. Unbeknownst to us, Diana had invited more people than we had anticipated. Tay had to park her car a good distance away from Diana’s driveway. “Did she invite the whole school?” Tay muttered as we got out of the car.
As we walked towards the front door, I recognized a car parked near the end of the driveway as Drew’s. Curious as to why he hadn’t responded to my texts earlier, I made a mental note to ask once I saw him inside.
Even as we got closer, the music from inside the house reverberated around the perimeter. Instantly, even before we were let into the house, our moods lifted.
“Leave it to Diana to have a badass sound system, huh.” Kyle, my best and closest friend, chuckled.
Inside, I recognized a few kids from school. A couple of basketball and football players congregated in the kitchen playing a game of beer pong. Both Kyle and I walked over to them as Tay made her way over to Chris, Ileana and Alyssa who huddled around an older looking guy with a guitar sitting in the living room.
I recognized Alexis and Stefan, two basketball players in my team, playing against two guys I didn’t know.
“Darren! What’s up, man?” Alexis asked without looking at me. His entire focus was on the small white ball in his hand. Throwing it across the table, it landed perfectly inside a red solo cup. This elicited cheers from half of the people congregating around the table.
I noticed Alexis’ face looked flushed despite him not currently running laps in one of our drills. “Nothing much, man,” I chuckled as he brought me in with a bear hug, “Someone’s been laying it on thick with the booze, huh?”
“All in good fun man.” He pulled away from me and handed Stefan the second ball. “Besides, Ronald is too gay to throw a ball straight. He’s more used to sucking on them.”
“Fuck off, Alexis!” A guy I now slightly recognized as being part of our football team cursed at Alexis. “You wouldn't last a day in our field, you pussy.”
As fun as seeing hot high school guys get competitive with each other, I knew I should be looking for Diana or Drew.
“Hey, Alexis!” I tried to speak loud enough for him to hear me through the music. “Have you seen Diana anywhere?”
He looked at me and I could see his brain process my words in actual time. Ah, booze.
“Last I saw her she went upstairs with her guy. Shit!” Alexis turned in time to watch Ronald make a ball into his team’s cups.
“That’s fucking right, bitch!”
I left Kyle and the rest of the guys in the kitchen as I made my way through Diana’s house. Although I ran into both familiar and unfamiliar faces, none of them were Diana or Drew. Just as I had made my way to the base of the stairs, someone familiar made their way down.
In a sleeveless black top, Vanessa stood before me. Her shiny brown hair landed like beach waves on her shoulders. She seemed almost startled to see me waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. Holding her phone near her chest, she looked me straight in the eye. “Darren.” She said, not rude, just matter-of-factly.
“Vanessa,” I looked at the hand clutching her phone curiously but blinked suspicion away. “Have you seen Diana or Drew around?”
“No,” she said, her head cocked slightly to the right. “Surprised you didn’t ask for Michael off the bat.”
“What?” I asked, confused as to why she’d bring him up. “Michael?”
“Nevermind,” she seemed annoyed now, I noticed. “Don’t leave yet,” she said, “Andrew and I helped put together a slideshow for Diana.” She said this with the air of neither caring if I stayed or left.
“Yeah, ok,” I said, surprised to hear that both her and Drew were working together but trying not to sound rude or nosy. “I’ll be around then.” I considered the fact that Drew hadn’t talked to me about this project and decided to ask, “Where is Drew, anyways?”
Vanessa shrugged in a way that again made me think she was quite indifferent to me. “I don’t know. Around, I guess. But I saw Diana head out back. If you hurry, you won’t miss her.”
“Ok,” I said, eager to be done with this conversation. “Thanks.” I walked briskly away from Vanessa and towards Diana’s back door.
Once I made it past the few kids huddled near the exit, I found Diana sitting with her back to her wooden fence and staring off into the distance.
“Di!” I called out, my voice interrupting her strut. “Why are you out here?”
“Darren--what are you doing out here?” Her arms crossed across her chest as she faced me.
“I heard you came outside. What are you doing? Your birthday party is inside.” I pointed back with my thumb and smiled, hoping to encourage her to come back inside with me.
“I--” her shoulders slumped in a resigned gesture. “I just needed some air. It felt like I couldn’t breathe in there, you know?” She reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out a pack of short Marlboro Reds. I noticed her hands jitter as she placed a cigarette to her mouth and lit it.
“Di. What’s going on?” I asked, walking cautiously over to her as though I was approaching an injured kitten so as to not frighten it with any sudden movements. “Is it because of Tay?”
“Yes, it’s because of Tay,” she said with the exasperation of a criminal who, after already confessing to their crime, must once again repeat their confession. “I saw her walk in and, instead of looking for me, she made her way over to Sam.” She took a long drag of her cigarette and blew out a thick cloud of smoke. “It’s my birthday, for Christ’s sake. You’d think she’d want to wish me a happy birthday first.”
“Di,” I said, noticing how jittery she seemed. “How much have you drunk? You sound a little … off.” I tried to say this as delicately as possible, not wanting to antagonize her at the moment.
“I’m fine, D.” She pushed her hair back and took another drag. “It’s your boy Michael you should be worried about. He and his girl walked upstairs a while ago looking upset for some reason.”
I remembered the look Vanessa gave me at the bottom of the staircase. Whatever her and Michael had fought about, it must have involved me with the way she had looked at me. Her distaste for me was apparent in retrospect.
“Can you grant me one birthday wish, Darren?” Diana asked, almost in a whisper.
“Sure,” I said, my brows furrowed in confusion. “What is it?”
“Could you stop wasting your time and just tell Michael how you feel? It’s enraging seeing how much you like each other but neither of you doing anything about it.” She turned away from me and looked up at the full moon above us. “No one will care if you two like each other or not.”
I thought about what I knew of Diana’s life. Did she have someone who would care if she liked someone like Tay? What would her step-mom or dad have to say about that?
Seeing Diana walk around the high school halls looking beautiful and talented made it easy to forget that she had a life outside of what I knew about her. She wasn’t this perfect barbie I had cooked up in my mind. She was just a regular girl with problems like the rest of us.
“Maybe,” I said, forcing a smile on my face. “We should go back inside, though. I think Drew got something ready for you.”
Almost begrudgingly, Diana took one last hit of her cigarette and nodded. She threw the remaining bud on the ground and stepped on it for good measure. “Okay.” She seemed to force a smile on her face, too, as she followed me inside.
Despite texting and looking for Drew all night, I was unable to find him. Begrudgingly, I made my way to Di’s kitchen and got me four White Claws, two for me and two for Kyle. It didn’t take long for us to catch up to the rest of the party. Around 9:30 PM, both Kyle and I were feeling pretty chipper from the drinking that we didn’t even notice when the music’s sound began to lower.
The lights dimmed a little more and, in the darkness, the light from Diana’s 80in. TV lit up her large living room like a beacon. Diana broke through a small crowd gathered by the stairs as the TV’s mode was changed from cable to AirPlay.
One by one, pictures of Diana throughout the school year by herself and with friends began to transition into the screen. Andrew must have dug deep to put together all these photos of them, her family, the choir and many more snippets of Diana’s life. Memories danced across the screen for all of us to see.
In these, she was just another happy, care-free high school girl. Beautiful, blonde, happy, rich, her life seemed bright, and, in the darkness of her living room, those memories were almost too bright to look at but what these pictures kept quiet behind her youthful smile spoke even louder to me.
Like me, she may put up a facade–keep up appearances–but her smile was broken. She was in love with a girl who wouldn’t love her back.
God, how that must be tearing at her.
“Heard you were looking for me,” Drew, from behind Kyle and me, spoke as went to stand to my left.
“Hey,” I said, turning to him. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in a couple days–I’d forgotten how much taller he was than me. “I’ve been looking for you, Drew. Where have you been?”
He wouldn’t look at me at first. His head turned to his left, instead. It was a quick glance, yet I still recognized the olive-skinned shoulders, the chestnut brown hair that caught the scarce light from the TV but still managed to shine in the dark– Vanessa.
My eyes darted up to Drew’s face as I reached for his forearm. “What’s going on, Drew?”
His eyes scrunched up with a feeling that looked like pain. “You lied to me,” he said.
I couldn’t help looking confused. “What do you mean?”
.
Something’s gotten into you.
You don’t really look at me the way you used to.
And I’m hoping it ain’t true -
Every single rumor that I’ve heard of you.
.
Drew opened his eyes and faced me. The light from the television cast shadows on his face making him look older. “You said there was nothing going on between you two. You tried to trick me into thinking it was okay.” He pulled away from me then. My hand was left grasping the air where his arm used to be.
“Whoa, calm down, Drew.” Kyle took a step back. “What’s going on guys?”
I shot Kyle a look that said I didn’t know what was going on either. “No, I didn’t,” I said, more to myself than to Drew. “What do you mean?” My heart began pounding on my chest, threatening to burst right out of its cavity.
“Stop Lying!” He clutched the phone on his left hand harder; his knuckles turning white from the force. “Stop pretending you don't know what I am talking about, Darren. You know!” He jabbed a finger in my chest that made me take a step back.
Even now, I feigned ignorance. If only to hold on to the version of me that could still pretend Drew didn’t know about Michael and me.
“Drew, you need to tell me what you're talking about, please.” I took a step towards him but he took an equal step back.
“You slept with him,” he said, his eyes beginning to water. “You slept with Michael.” He wasn’t asking or putting up a facade anymore. He was telling me. He knew.
Still, for whatever reason (shame, guilt, fear) I couldn’t admit it. “No I didn’t, Drew.” I continued to lie, “I never did anything with him,” I whispered, looking back at Kyle who looked surprised and confused at my accusations.
“You Liar!” At this, a couple people around us stopped watching the PowerPoint and stared at us. “You can’t admit it, even when I ask you to your face!”
I glanced around the room as more and more people turned to look at what the commotion was about. From my peripheral, I could see a couple guys from my basketball team approach, likely thinking a fight was about to break out.
“Drew, can we go outside, please?” I begged. “We’re causing a scene,” I looked around, entirely aware of how many people were booking at us now.
“Why? It’s what you wanted, right? You saved the pictures. You wanted to see them again–to relive it.”
My eyes went to his left hand again, the hand he held his phone in. A thought began to cross my mind but I could not allow it to fully form. There was no way.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I whispered, feeling like the air was being drawn out from inside my lungs.
.
You were off with someone that I don’t know.
Calling other people on your telephone.
Kinda wish I didn’t know.
.
“You’re a piece of shit, Darren. Trying to gaslight me. I’m NOT FUCKING STUPID!” He pushed me back with his free hand.
I gasped, “Drew–”
“Stop calling me that!” His nostrils flared and his face contorted with disgust. “You wanted to watch it again so bad?” He unlocked his phone and I could only stare as his fingers touched a few corners of his phone. “Here.” He threw his phone on the ground next to me and it slid under someone's foot.
Speechless, I stared at the TV as it stopped playing Diana’s PowerPoint and began to load an AirPlay logo. Too quickly, the living room lit up with the light of two bodies on the television.
.
You tell me it ain’t what it seems.
But baby, this is looking like a crime scene.
There’s clothes thrown on the balcony.
And you smell like perfume out of a magazine.
.
I will remember what happened next second by second. The television loaded a picture I’d seen countless times since it was taken. It was a classic POV shot, nothing special. But so many things became apparent in the seconds following. It was me, on my back taking “it” from an unknown male. My knees were held up near my chest. My face scrunched up in a moment of both pleasure and pain.
My heart stopped. My lungs exhaled the little air they had in a soft gasp.
This couldn’t be happening. But it was.
I scrambled for Andrew’s phone lying under a random guy’s feet, a total of two or three more seconds. I managed to turn off the television, still on my knees.
.
I’m throwing all your shit out of my window.
Telling you I wish that we had never spoke.
Baby, I already know.
.
Mortified, I managed to stand, my eyebrows immediately sweaty from the quick exertion of energy.
Everyone’s eyes, I noticed, were already turning to me--curious, unwanted glances hot like tar on my flesh.
I looked around, wide eyed and aware--God, so aware--of the whispers and murmurs going on around me.
Recognizing the dreadful feeling in my stomach, my fists clenched, sweaty and shaky. It reminded me of the day I got on my first roller coaster.
That's what I felt like now: a drowning panic and stupid recognition that I was about to drop. Only, instead of the sweet relief reaching the bottom would bring, the terror and crushing unease remained trapped somewhere between my heart and my rib cage. My knees were on the verge of giving out but the longed for release never came, instead, the air continued getting sucked out of my lungs and my chest threatened to be crushed under the vacuum.
My naive sense of hope that I was mistaken drowned with me when a girl, whispering earnestly to her friend, pointed at me.
More and more people crowded the living room to see what the commotion was about.
There was no way all these people could have gotten to see me, right? There was no way they could all know.
But then why was the sound of muffled snickers deafening to me?
There was no way.
I had killed the AirPlay on Andrew’s phone.
They couldn’t all have seen the picture.
Even so, more and more phones were being pulled out of pockets--vibrations and soft whispers all around me like the annoying presence of mosquitoes on a Texan summer night.
God, how I hated nights like those.
Now they were a welcomed hell.
How could that be possible? Andrew’s phone was in my hand. How could so many people still be seeing that picture? How could–
My wide eyes searched the room for the hope of something--anything--that could help me. Instead, my eyes caught the chestnut hair draping down crossed arms, IPhone in hand.
.
Well, fight or flight.
I’d rather die than have to cry in front of you.
Fight or flight.
I’d rather lie than tell you I’m in love with you.
My eyes are welling up as you admit there’s someone new.
It’s my move - fight or flight.
.
Vanessa stood there, steely glance, leaning back against the wall, while everyone around me with their Airdrop was getting a picture of me getting fucked on my back.
One person seeing me like that was one two many but now, even more people opened their phones, no doubt, receiving an airdrop file–one that carried my most intimate moment in a few megabytes.
With a moist blink, a cold, empty feeling spread inside my chest--I had never felt a shame like this before. It was ever present, all consuming, inescapable--it was everything I never thought something could be.
My breathing got heavier as I looked around the living room.
My vision began to cloud against my will.
How could it be possible to feel so alone and exposed in this goddamn, crowded room?
Standing there, still in full party attire, I was the most naked I had ever been in my life. Even then, I stood there like a deer in headlights: frozen, afraid, unable to act or speak.
All I could do was turn and stare at the empty space where Andrew once stood.
Kyle looked back at me, no doubt surprised and confused at the picture of me he had just seen on the television. Blinking away the wetness from my eyes, I hurried out of that kitchen through the back door and made my way up front to Diana’s driveway.
.
Now there’s someone at my door.
Someone I’ve not met before.
They’ve got eyes like mine, a pretty smile.
And they’ve been crying for a while.
‘Cause they also didn’t know
That our lover loved us both.
.
I caught up to Andrew as he neared his car and slammed his door shut before he could get in. “What the hell did you do back there, Andrew?” I used the back of my hands to wipe away tears that threatened to spill.
“Darren - “ He turned to look at me, his eyes less angrier than before, maybe even mortified.
“Why would you show that to everyone, Andrew?” Something fiercer than remorse and more scalding than rage made my voice sound blistered.
“I --” he started but turned to look back at a clutter of people exiting the front door to look at us. He turned back to me, his brows furrowed with uncertainty. “I didn’t mean --”
I looked back at our gawking audience, too, and turned to face Andrew with a renewed, insatiable sense of anger fanned by my scalding shame. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Against my will, hot tears began to stream down my face with more urgency than before. Even then, I still hadn't registered what had happened back inside. Standing two feet away from him, I wanted to shake him, to punch him, to make him feel an ounce of the humiliation I was feeling. “Did you - did you just out me to the entire party, Andrew?” I snarled through clenched teeth.
“Darren, I shouldn’t have--”
“No!” I barked, “You shouldn’t have!” I was now acutely aware that more tears were streaming down my face. Despite me wanting to hold on to any type of dignity, the more I looked at him, the angrier I seemed to get, causing even more tears to fall. It was a fucking frustrating cycle.
His eyes scanned my face and I nearly recoiled at what I saw staring back at me. More than remorse, his eyes showed he felt pity.
And at this moment I felt pitiful, too.
“You knew that was personal--you--you knew I wasn’t ready to talk about it. You knew!” Rage clouded my judgment, I grabbed him by his collar and shook him. I pulled his face close to mine so he could see my eyes and it might sting him as it did me.“You fucking knew!”
Andrew stood there, unwilling to defend himself which made me even more furious. I wanted him to fight back. I wanted him to force me to punch him. I wanted to use my hands to make him feel hurt, too.
I felt hands grab my shoulders and start pulling me away from Andrew. “Darren! Calm down!” It was Kyle, he pulled a little harder and managed to squeeze himself between Andrew and me.
“You’re an asshole, Andrew!” I jabbed a finger at him as Kyle pushed me further away from Andrew’s car. “You’re a fucking asshole!”
“Darren, please,” Kyle pleaded, “Don’t do this here, bud.”
It was then that Diana ran past us and stood in front of Andrew. “You have to go, Drew,” she said. “Before this gets worse. Go,” she commanded.
Through teary eyes, I saw Andrew nod and open his car door. He gave me one last pained look before closing his door and starting his car.
“Fucking LEAVE!” My voice broke as I yelled out.
His leaving did very little to calm me because the shame I felt crashed on me over and over like waves on a beach, each wave reminding me of what had happened only moments ago.
I turned to look back at the group of people huddled by the door looking over at us - at me.
.
Well, fight or flight.
I’d rather die than have to cry in front of you.
Fight or flight.
I’d rather lie than tell you I’m in love with you.
.
I scanned the faces around me and noticed that Michael was nowhere to be seen.
“Let’s head back inside, man.” Kyle squeezed my upper arm and tried pulling me back into the house.
“No.” I yanked my arm away from his grasp and shook my head. “I--I can’t go back in there.”
“That’s fine, Darren,” Diana walked to stand on my other side. “We can go somewhere else if you want.”
“No,” I shook my head again. “I don’t want to be here.”
“Darren--”
I didn’t let Diana finish. Instead, I turned around and briskly made my way down her driveway as angry, humiliated tears kept trickling down my face.
.
My eyes are welling up as you admit there’s someone new.
It’s my move -
Fight or Flight.
.