El Paso Chapter 4
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El Paso 4
"Sometimes Life Gets in the Way"
So far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're just time away
Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
Oh, how I wish I could
But you're so far away
By the time I took Felino back to his place it was around 3am. I tried to talk him into staying with me, but he had the early shift in the morning and didn't want me to have to get up early to take him. That's why I only got about three hours of sleep before the call. You can call it a gut feeling or intuition but a sense of dread welled up in the pit of my stomach. It only intensified when I heard Bill's voice on the other end of the line.
"Sorry to call you so early, Otto, but I think you ought to get out here as quick as you can" he said, voice breaking a little.
"What's wrong?" I asked; my heart was beating out of my chest.
"It's your mother..." he said, "look, I don't want to go into it over the phone..."
"Are you with her?" I asked.
"Yes" he answered curtly.
"And, you don't want her to hear what you're saying?" I prodded.
"Exactly. Take off and come now if you can" he was saying, I could hear mother arguing with him in the background.
"I'll be there as soon as I can get a flight" I said.
My dad died when I was about to turn 16. My last memories of him were of the days he spent teaching me how to drive. After he passed, it was just me and mom for a couple of years. My brother Hank had left El Paso when he was 18; joined the Marines. Around the time I graduated high school, she met Bill who later became my stepfather. The company Bill worked for transferred him to Boston; now I only get to see them a few times a year. I've heard that a lot of people don't like their step-parents, but Bill had always been good to me and more importantly, he made my mother happy, so we were pretty close. Hearing his voice cracking on the phone and my mother, who never wanted to bother anybody, arguing with him led me to think the worst. I got online and booked the first flight out to Boston. Then I called my boss on his cellphone and told him I may have to be out a few days. Finally, I called Felino's number. It rang four times then went to voicemail. I remembered that he said he had the early shift. I left a message telling him to call me when he gets home. I threw a couple of changes of clothes in my backpack, grabbed my keys and broke speed limit laws all the way to ELP. I got through the TSA molestation line just in time to board my flight. As exhausted as I was, I was too keyed up to sleep on the plane. I ended up doing what I always do when I'm stressed; I watched Looney Toons on my phone. It was something I'd done since my dad died. It was semi-mindless entertainment and kept my mind from spiraling down the worst-case-scenario rabbit hole. The plane touched down, I got off, grabbed my checked bag and got a cab to Mass General.
I called Bill to find out where they were. He said he would just come down and get me. A few minutes later Bill led me to her room. When I walked into the room, I hardly recognized her. Hollow eyes, pale and a bright-colored scarf that didn't hide the fact that she had no hair. She was sleeping, I sat in the chair by the bed and couldn't stop crying. I felt sick to my stomach. Bill went back out to get us a cup of coffee. A few minutes later Bill walked in and sat in the other chair.
"How long has this been going on?" I whispered.
"She was diagnosed about a month ago, she wouldn't let me call you, said she didn't want to be a bother" he said, looking wistfully at her gaunt face.
"I know how she is, but I wish you'd called me sooner Bill."
"She didn't want me to call you last night...this morning...whenever it was...but, the fact is...well...the doctor..." he broke down into silent sobs.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Stage 4 lung cancer" he said.
"But how?" I said, "she never smoked."
"Her and the doctor narrowed it down to some chemicals she was exposed to when she worked at the plant" he said.
Her eyes fluttered open and she looked surprised to see me sitting here. She looked at Bill, shook her head, then back at me.
"I told Bill not to bother you, I'm just a little sick from the chemo" she said.
"It's not a bother mama, I was planning on coming to visit y'all a few days anyway" I lied and took her withered hand into mine.
"I'm afraid I won't be much company" she said "they're keeping pumped full of stuff for the pain."
The talking was making her short of breath as well as making the oxygen mask go sideways on her face. I reached up and straightened it for her. She was fading in and out of consciousness and after a few minutes of silence she was asleep again. Bill tapped my knee and motioned for me to come out in the hall.
"Son, the reason I called you is the doctor told me yesterday that it won't be much longer. He said it could be a few days, maybe a week. He said to call anybody who would want to be able to see her.
"Have you called Hank?" I asked him.
"I'm not sure how to get him, last we heard he was stationed in Dubai," he said, "that's actually one of the things I was hoping you could help me with."
Hank was my older brother; he was 8 years older than so we never really got along. I was the little snot-nosed kid and he was the cool teenager. He left when he was 18 to go into the Marines. Bill gave me his keys and I plugged their address into google maps and went to their condo to shower and try to reach Hank. I got to the condo building and had to call Bill again to find out the unit number. I went in and immediately got on the phone to the local Marine recruiter's office. They gave me information on who to call to locate him. About 20 minutes later I was talking to Hank. I went over the whole story and he went to tell his CO that he needed emergency leave.
I went to take a shower and just let the hot water flow for a long time. I heard the phone ringing from on top of the toilet. I reached out and picked it up. Hank said he would be here in about 17 hours; that would be about 7:30 tomorrow night. I told him to call me as soon as he touched down.
I finished rinsing the shampoo out and grabbed a towel and as I was drying off the phone rang again.
"Hello" I said.
"Hey, hot stuff. Got your message. Are you coming to get me for date number 3?" he said in his most sexy voice.
"I wish I was, baby, but I got bad news this morning. I'm in Boston" I said.
"Boston?! Massachusetts?! That's where your mom and stepdad are, right?" he asked.
"Yeah. It's my mom..." I sobbed, "they think...she only has days..."
"Oh my God...man, I'm so sorry..." he said.
"I don't know how long I'll be here..." I started.
"It's okay, I'll be here. If you need to talk, just call me any hour of the day. I mean it Otto" he said.
"Okay I will" I said, "sorry to do it Fey but I need to go so I can get back to the hospital."
"No, no, of course, you go be with her. Call me later if you can" he said.
"Thanks" I said, "I will. Bye."
I went in the kitchen looking for something to eat and accidentally kicked Appa's food bowl across the kitchen; luckily it was empty. I hadn't thought about him until then. Appa was my mom's 5-year-old maltipoo. He only really liked two people, me and mother; it drove Bill crazy. I guess Bill had probably boarded him at the vet while mom was in the hospital. I set his bowl back in place and found a protein bar on the counter and headed back to the hospital.
Bill said she was resting peacefully, so I sent him home to get a shower and some rest. I could tell he needed a break.
"I won't be gone but a few hours, I wouldn't want to be gone..." he said, "anyway, I'll be back soon."
"Oh, I almost forgot, I got in touch with Hank, he should be touching down around 7:30 tonight. I told him we'd pick him up" I said.
"That gives me about... allowing for time for you to get to the airport and find a place to park...6 hours. I'll be back by 6:30 or a quarter to seven" he said.
Mother didn't stir and the room was so quiet, I actually fell asleep in the reclining chair. I dreamed about better days when we were all together, before Dad died, before Hank left home. I only woke up when Bill shook my shoulder.
"You need to get on the road, I'm late, it's after seven" he said.
Snapping awake I saw mother quietly staring at me. Damn, I hated to leave now that she was awake. Bill saw my dilemma and said he would go. He said he knew his way around the city better any way.
"I'll be back in a few minutes" he said, "depending on traffic." Then he leaned down and kissed my mother and told her he loved her.
"Be sure to wear your seatbelt" she croaked through the mask. I nodded. How can anybody worry about other people when they're in her condition.
"I will, honey. Be back soon as I can" He said as he ran out the door.
When Bill pulled through the passenger pickup area Hank was already out and sitting with his back up against the building. He was easy to spot in his desert camo fatigues. Bill rolled down the window and called his name. He stood up, grabbed his duffel and threw it in the back seat and climbed in.
"Surprised to see, you. I thought the dweeb was picking me up?" he said, "Is she still okay?"
"As far as I know. She woke up just before I left but I was there for several hours just watching her sleep. They have her so doped up for the pain..." he said.
It was silent in the car except for the road noise made by the tires and passing traffic. They pulled into the hospital parking deck and Bill led another Schneider brother on a sad journey.
When they came in the room, I could see Hank get that same sick feeling I had earlier. He was always more like mom; he had an uncanny ability to push his own emotions somewhere way down inside him. Mom's philosophy: Don't be a bother to other people. It was his motto too. I, on the other hand was patterned after our dad. All you had to do to find out what dad thought about something is look at him. He wore his heart on his sleeve; that was me.
"How you holding up, twerp?" he asked.
"Hanging in there, asshole" I replied with a sad smile.
Despite our differences he was my brother and soon to be my only living relative. I stood up and put my hand out for a shake. He grabbed me and pulled me in for a bear hug. After the past 24 hours, it probably meant way more to me that he could imagine. Only two were allowed in the room at a time and since I'd been with mom during her brief wakeful period, I volunteered to go sit in the waiting room. I sat staring at the television and not really watching it. My mind was deluged with swirling thoughts I couldn't grasp; as soon as I started to explore a thought, the next one would pop up. I was so exhausted, I guess at some point I dozed off again. I dreamed of a time back when I was a kid. Mom and Dad were supervising as Hank attempted to teach me to ride a bike. Hank ran along holding the back of the seat as I peddled. It was great, at least until he let go. When he let go, I panicked and stopped looking where I was going and ran into a tree. I was crying and Hank was laughing at me. Mom came running up and grabbed me by the arm...
I jumped awake. Hank was standing there, his hand on my arm just like mother's was in the dream.
"Here's the car keys, Otto. Bill said you know the way" he said. It took me a minute to clear the cobwebs out of my head.
"He's not coming?" I asked.
"No, he said he doesn't want to leave her" he said, "He said when we come back to come on the bus, the parking fees here are eating him alive."
He showed me where they parked and I drove us back to the condo. We found a couple of beers in the refrigerator and talked for a while.
"You're not married yet?" I asked.
"No, but it's hard to date when you're halfway around the world from home" he said, "how about you, have you found the right guy?"
I looked at him like he was crazy, but then, Hell, I never could keep anything secret from him so it really wasn't a surprise that he knew or at least suspected.
"Not yet, but I've been getting close to somebody" I said.
"Anybody I know?" he asked.
"You remember my best friend when I was a kid, Felino?" I asked.
"Felino? What was his last name? Morales?" he asked.
"Yeah" I said.
"I used to date his cousin Valencia, `Valley Girl' we called her" he said.
"I'm confused. I thought Felino's cousin Tomás was dating that Valencia girl" I said
"Tomás? She had a little brother named Tomás; he would be between you and me in age" he said.
"Hmm. Well, do you want the guest room or the couch, you're the oldest, you get dibs" I said.
"We could share if you want. I'm used to sleeping on a cot, I think I could double up with you easy enough" he said.
We hit the sack and were out like lights in no time. I had more of the vivid dreams all through the night, reliving the good times and bad times of the past. I woke up around 6:30 in the morning and slipped out, took a piss and went in the kitchen to make some coffee. The coffee maker was almost done when my sleepy brother walked in dressed in just his desert tan tee shirt and boxers. I pulled out a second mug for him.
Visiting hours started at 8am, we both got showered and dressed and heeding Bill's instructions, went down to catch the bus back up to Mass General. Bill looked worn out, the hospital chair was okay for a makeshift bed but by no means did it take the place of a real bed. I handed him his car keys and told him we took the bus. Now that we were here, we insisted that he go home and get at least a few hours rest and a shower. He finally gave in, said okay and took off.
"She was awake for a little while in the middle of the night" he said, "talking some nonsense about `get back on the bike and try again." He walked out as a chill went down my spine. About two hours into our vigil, she started to stir. She looked up to see Hank and tears glazed her eyes over.
"Oh Henry, is that you, baby?" she asked.
"Yes, mama, I'm here. I got in town last night" he said.
"You shouldn't have come all this way; I've already disrupted Bill and Otto's lives" she said.
"It's no bother mom. I love you and I needed to see you. Besides I'm sick of heat and sand" he said, trying his best to smile for her.
"Look, Henry, I don't know how much longer I'll be around" she said, "I want you and Otto to take care of each other. Otto, are you here?"
"Yes mom" I said, "leaning around Hank so she could see me.
"Baby, I hate to put a burden on you, but could you take Appa? If you don't, I don't know what Bill will do. Appa only likes two people" she said.
"Don't talk like that mama, when you get out, you'll want Appa around to keep you company" I heard my quavering voice saying, as if it was coming from somebody else.
"Baby, the only place I'm going from here is to see Jesus" she said. That was all I could take. I got up and walked to the waiting room and cried my eyes out again. Bill saw me as he passed by the waiting room on the way to her room.
"Is she..."
"No, I just had to get some air. She's talking about going to meet Jesus and I can't stand it. It's tearing my heart out" I said. He nodded and continued down the hall.
Hank came in and sat beside me. Very uncharacteristically for him, I could see he'd been crying too; his eyes were red and raw.
"She said she talked to dad and he was proud of both of us" he whispered. We both sat lost in our thoughts.
All of a sudden, we saw a doctor and some nurses running down the hall with a crash cart. I felt sick again. We both stood up and looked down the hall. We saw Bill being pushed out of the room; we ran to him. In the hallway we could hear the scene unfolding. We heard them try to revive her with the defibrillator twice, heard the nurses counting compressions as they did CPR. After a while, even more ominously, we heard the quiet voices and then silence. The doctor came out and said she was gone. We helped Bill back to the waiting room as his legs were having trouble holding up his weight.
I was numb, I was angry, I was sad. I had every emotion a human can have at the same time as if my mind had been thrown into a blender. The nurses said they would clean her up and we could say our goodbyes. This was so surreal. How the fuck were we supposed to deal with this? When they were done, we went back in and the crying started again. Very rarely had I ever seen my big-man marine brother cry like a baby.
The hospital called the funeral home for us, and they would be on the way to pick up the remains of what was once my mother. I suddenly felt like I had to get away from this place. I guess all of us did, we took a long catatonic walk to the bus stop and went back to the condo. Bill went to the bar and pulled out a bottle of 21-year-old Scotch and we all proceeded to get shit-faced drunk. The last thing I remember was helping Hank get Bill into his bed.
I woke up in a pool of my own vomit and tears. I was undressed to my briefs and had a man's arm over me pulling me close. When I saw the tattoo, it came to me that it was Hank. I slipped out from under his arm and went into the bathroom to get cleaned up. I stepped out of the shower and Hank was sitting on the toilet waiting his turn.
"I put the sheets in the washer, would you throw them in the dryer when they're done?" he asked.
"Sure" I said and went into the bedroom to get dressed.
The next few days went by in a haze. There was a small memorial service for us here, there would be another one in Texas. Mother's wishes were to be cremated. Afterward, I'd be charged with taking her ashes back to El Paso for burial. When all that was said and done, there was the matter of the dog. I told Bill that she'd asked me to take Appa.
"Thank God" he said, "that dog has always hated me. You and Marie are the only two people he'd tolerate."
So, five days after arriving in Boston, I was at the airport getting my animal carrier checked onto the plane. In my backpack, wrapped in the middle of my clothes in a small wooden box, were the last remnants of my mother, ready to travel back to her home to be at peace. A little over 4 ½ hours later I was back in El Paso picking up my dog and lugging everything to the car. I stopped at the apartment rental office and filled out a pet deposit form and ran my Discover card for the $300 to cover that, then went home.
The obituary had run in the paper yesterday and all my Texas family would be meeting for a memorial here at the church my mother used to attend. I just kept telling myself, one more day and this will be over.
The family memorial was short but crowded. My mother was one of those people everybody loved. After the ashes were interred and the crowd broke up and went home. I went back to my lonely apartment. I kicked off the uncomfortable dress shoes, pulled off my tie and sunk down on the sofa. Appa came running and jumped up beside me. He seemed to share my sadness.
Hank called to let me know he made it back all right. I called Felino and asked if he could come over and spend the night; I just didn't want to be alone right now. We settled in and went to sleep. Sex was the farthest thing from my mind tonight. Our third date was just literally sleeping together, with a white maltipoo between us.
Lambodara 4/22/21
Don't worry folks. The show will go on, but like Reba said "sometimes life gets in the way".
lambodara@protonmail.com