This is the story of how my condition as a child helped me realize who I really am. If you are ready for this, please enjoy and share my happiness.
Comments or experiences to share : baby_edna2000@yahoo.com
Chapter 1 (The Discovery)
Ever since I can remember I was a very strange child. When I was in preschool, almost every other kid would take advantage of me; either by emptying my lunch box, bullying me out of my seat or even just pushing me around whenever they could. It was almost as if they could sense my weakness and exploit it at will. At home at nights, I would suffer of chronic night horrors, which would drive my parents insane, since I will always end up wedged between both of them, as I just couldn't stand up to my excruciating fear of darkness. I was also extra clingy to my parents, even for a girl; I will follow and go with them everywhere, almost like a handicapped child. I guess deep inside of me, even at such early age, I understood and acknowledged the fragility of my character.
To my demise, this wasn't just a stage in my early years; I had to endure this karma all through elementary school.
I felt very frustrated and knew that I had to do something if I wanted to be a NORMAL girl. I had many talks with my parents and we just couldn't pinpoint the source of the problem and much less find the answer. Helpless and clueless, my only hope was professional help.
I was taken to a psychologist that specialized on kids with character problems and deficits, usually the case being "low self esteem and limited socialization", explained Dr. Padilla; but then again that was only part of the case, or at least a small part of it. I was a beautiful girl, or at least my teachers thought so, they always complimented me on my grayish-blue eyes and the "cute freckles" on my cheeks, which by the way I hated;
I always thought they stood out too much due to my very pale skin. My situation was very odd, for some reason I understood that I was pretty and yet somehow didn't feel that way;
I guess when you are confused you are confused.
After several sessions, endless number of questions and mental tests, Dr. Padilla finally revealed his diagnosis to my parents, "Edna's situation is very peculiar, she has no mental or medical traumas, Mr. and Mrs. Lespaire your daughter is naturally low in self esteem and she is extremely weak". He went on to explain that I wasn't physically weak, for I was a healthy kid; my weakness was of character.
He explained that there was no treatment or therapy for my condition, and that only time would tell
if I was going to get over this hump.
Little did I know that my helpless condition was going to play a major role in my very near future.
When I reached eight grade, at 14 years old, I was still fighting my internal battles, living the same situation but I had accepted it. I found that in grade school my schoolmates were nicer to me (maturity I guess); I even managed to make some friends. Little by little I was able to mask my condition to a point where it was hardly noticeable. This was a great achievement for me; even though I knew that my condition was still there, I was able to hide it from everyone, I felt there was a light at the end of the tunnel. As time progressed, things got better and better. I started really mingling with kids at school, and I started to participate in social activities, things were looking much better. I had two best friends Lisa and Megan; they really helped me to be more independent from my parents, as I would hang out with them almost everyday. Of course my parents allowed and were happy with it because they understood that it was an important step for me. Lisa and Megan will take me to the movies, we would go roller-skating, we will even have little slumber parties.
I felt I was starting to become a NORMAL girl, and that was gratifying.
However there was still something, something I couldn't quite grasp, it was an almost ominous and inexplicable perception of things to come, a strange feeling, it was exciting and troubling, different; something so strong and powerful that would purge me and take over my being; something I wouldn't be able to hide. Let me explain.
Living in Texas, one has to adjust to the blistering heat. Being natives of Texas, my best friends Lisa and Megan knew that the best strategy to fight heat was to sport very lithe clothing or very little clothing, thus allowing the skin pores to breathe freely. As a result the attire of mostly every girl in my high school would consist of a very lithe standard t-shirt, white tennis shoes with no socks, and micro jeans shorts or micro cotton shorts; jeans shorts being the favorite, since it gave a more casual appearance.
Even I had no other choice but to wear lithe clothing to fight the heat. Of course being insecure as I was, I would wear shorts that reached to my knees; 'I can't afford to have people see my pale thighs with freckles', I thought.
Lisa and Megan had little inhibitions, they would flaunt what they had; so needless to say they both sported the micro-mini shorts; and they had the bodies to do it. Lisa and Megan were very active teenagers, in and out of school. They played for the high school's volleyball team; and so they had an athletic build, with flat abdomens and thick calves and thighs accompanied by a pair of very round and prominent set of ass cheeks, that always seemed to bounce up and down as if they had a mind of their own, specially when they would jump to serve or to do a kill.
Lisa and Megan naturally wore the same team uniform, yet Lisa's ass cheeks always seemed to be spilling out of the bottom of her shorts; sometimes I wondered if she was totally oblivious to it.
I always did wonder why girls in Texas had such plump asses. Who knows, maybe the food. Megan and Lisa both had the All American blonde hair-blue eyes look, yet they were really down to Earth.
At 14 they still had some developing to do, and so their breasts department wasn't that spectacular; they were still small, yet very perky; maybe because of the volleyball; but then again who really cares, when you have such amazing legs and asses.
Sometimes I even felt a little jealousy, because I wished I had an equally athletic body and even more important, I wish I had their tan.
Girls in Texas or at least in my town had gorgeous tans; Lisa and Megan were no different; their skins looked silky and unblemished all year round, and their tan was a perfect gold, which would make the microscopic blond hairs in their calves and thighs stand out and contrast with their skin beautifully. Ohhh, I felt so proud of being their friend.
During my many months of outings and hanging out with my two best friends is when I started to realize that something was taking over me.
I had an untamable and uncontrollable urge to stare at other girls. At an age in which most girls were in search for the boys' attention, I was inexplicably hounded by a need to be in female company, so I could satisfy my desire to stare at their anatomy.
Being no stranger to confusion, these abnormal urges came to me as no surprise, 'here we go again!!......i am such a weirdo!!', I thought.
The funny thing is that as opposed to every other misdiagnose that I had experienced in the past, my current condition was very simple to figure out; I was a LESBIAN.
My already fragile internal condition together with this new found discovery was mind blowing. It simply took over me, I couldn't control it, I was too weak a person, I had always been. It made all my insecurities resurface; it dominated me, almost like if I was possessed by an evil spirit, the spirit of LESBIANISM.
At the age of 14 every girl knows what sex is. I had never really paid much attention to it, with the exception of conversations Lisa and Megan had about it, and I had no other choice but to listen and fake my participation.
So of course I knew what a penis was, and I also knew what tits, pussy, and ass were. But for some reason the words PUSSY and ASS interested me much more than any other sexual words.
My lesbian condition was peculiar in its own way. It created a fantasy world that immersed me; it sent me into an universe that was ruled by women and their bodies.
All I could think about was girls. I spent hours just staring at them. I would sit in the gym pretending to cheer for the volleyball team, when in reality I was only trying to quench my thirsty sickness. Yes I was sick; only a sick 14 year old girl will sit and spend hours staring at other girls in micro-shorts playing volleyball; what made it even worse was the realization that I wasn't just staring at them, I was staring at their thighs, their bouncy asses, and their sweaty genitals. Yes I had spent so much time doing this, that I noticed a lot of the girls in the team would forfeit their underwear and just wear shorts (I am guessing the humidity), making their perspiration puddle at the crotch of their shorts. I will find myself craning my neck and getting in subtle but uncomfortable positions to get better peeks of butt cheeks trying to spill out, or sometimes just wishing one of the girls would face away from me so I could scan her body comfortably.
I was living almost in a trance. At home I would hardly eat, and I will sport a blank look all day. At nights in bed I would be restless, my mind reeling through an array of images; images of each and every female body I saw during the day. I was definitely going crazy. My night horrors returned, but in a different way, they would be followed by nightmares; in my nightmares I will be stranded in a desolate land, void of women. I was in the verge of insanity.
What could I do? I did not want to get my parents involved, specially after the ordeal they went through during my earlier years, I didn't want to bring any more grief to them.
What a big dilemma.....