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E Mail from a Secret Admirer
-1-
My name is John Benson. I'm an investment manager for a very prestigious brokerage firm, Smith and Lindquist, in downtown Manhattan's financial district. I'm gay, but I'm in the closet at work. Since I'm relatively new to the firm, I am still in training, and my supervisor is Jim Farley. I have the hots for Jim. He's very nice looking, but I don't ever intend to make a play for him. He's one of the only single persons in the office, besides me, but I'm sure he's straight.
I learn quickly, and I became fluent in my work early on. I'm very successful in maintaining clients, and they are quick to refer me to their friends.
When I'd been with the firm for about eighteen months, I considered myself to be long past the training stage, but unfortunately, I'm not getting ahead, and Jim is still supervising my work. I'm beginning to be very resentful, but every time I try to talk to him about it, I chicken out. I've thought of going right to the top, to one of the senior partners, but that's even more frightening. I hate to admit it, but I am timid by nature.
I do not believe that my sexual orientation has anything to do with my enigma. After all, the bosses are a gay couple, besides being business partners. Jim wouldn't dare discriminate, even if he suspected the truth about me. Anyhow, I'm pretty sure that nobody in the office knows that I'm gay.
One Tuesday morning, after a long holiday weekend, I entered the office, and practically ran to my desk and phone. I intended to call anyone who had left me a message over the weekend. There were several messages from clients. Each one asked a trivial question. I called them back, and made them happy with my answers. Then I booted up my computer.
I had received several E Mails over the weekend. I quickly erased all but two. The deleted documents were all spam. The first one I opened was from the police department, and that worried me. It was a request for a contribution, and I erased it. The second E Mail knocked my socks off. It read:
You are too talented, and too good an investment manager, to be ignored by Jim Farley. I suggest you assert yourself with him. Tell him you don't want to be a trainee any more, and you deserve a substantial wage increase. Your growing client base certainly supports your assertions. You will never get ahead in this office, or this business, if you are shy and retiring.
Jim Farley judges a man by his aggressiveness. Stock brokering is very competitive. I also know that he considers you to be his right-hand man, and the most reliable investment manager in the office, so assert yourself.
Your secret admirer.
I was shocked, but the writer was correct. Right or wrong, I was still too timid to confront Jim, and I took no action. But truth be told, I couldn't get the E Mail out of my mind. I began to imagine all sorts of things. The letter was signed, "Your secret admirer." I wondered if the writer was interested in me romantically. If yes, it had to be a woman, or a man with super gaydar, because, as I have already said, I'm in the closet at work.
If not a romantic interest, I began to believe that whoever wrote the letter was at least interested in my advancement with the firm. Whatever, his (her) motive was, I procrastinated and did nothing all week.
On the next Monday morning, I found another E Mail from "Secret Admirer" on my computer.
Wuss, coward, you're a bigger nerd than even I thought. A week has gone by and you still haven't talked to Jim. Stock brokering and investment managing is an aggressive, competitive, business. You better prove yourself with your boss, or look for another job. Better than that, change your profession. I tell you this for your own good. I want to see you getting ahead, but you aren't doing anything to help yourself.
Your secret admirer.
-2-
At last, I braced myself and determined to confront Jim with my feelings, and how down it made me knowing that I was being slighted. I had developed a strong client base, and if I had to seek employment in another firm, I was well equipped. I had solid experience also.
Jim never took a coffee break like the rest of us, so when everybody ran off for their breaks, I approached Jim's closed door. I'd like to say that I knocked hard, but all I could manage was a timid tap. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me.
I heard Jim yell, "Enter." Jim wasn't timid like me. The command to enter was said with authority and conviction.
Finally, I opened the door, and stepped into his office. I thought that I might lose my job, and I got scared again. I didn't just step into Jim's office, I stepped into my destiny. I didn't get fired that day. What I did get was some flattery from Jim, and some very encouraging words.
"What did you want to see me about, Johnny?" he asked. He called me Johnny. I thought that was rather a familiar way to address me. I let it slide, but it gave me the strength to go on.
"Mr. Farley," I began, or rather, I stuttered, "I want to talk to you about my performance."
He interrupted me. "What about it?" he asked, and please call me Jim. Mr. Farley is so stuffy."
"I want to know why I haven't received a raise in a year and a half. I've certainly earned it. I also want to know if I have a future with this firm."
Then I got the first shock of the day. Jim said, "That's a lot to talk about on a coffee break. Have lunch with me, Johnny, (Johnny again) and we'll have a long talk."
I may have been shocked, but I had the presence of mind to say, "Sure, I'd like that."
"Wait," he said. "Even lunch time is not long enough. Let's have dinner together."
"I'd like that even more," I mumbled.
"Great, let's go right from work. We can have a couple of cocktails before dinner."
This is getting better and better, I thought. I smiled at Jim. I was now totally relaxed, and wondered why I hadn't done this sooner.
Finally, I asked, "Where would you like to go?"
"I'll call UBER and arrange for a ride after work to Julius in Greenwich Village."
That did it. I was speechless again. I got myself together and said, "You do know that everyone in New York is aware of their great reputation as a bar and grill, but Julius is a gay bar and grill."
"Of course, I know, Johnny, and if you tell me that you've never been there, I'll have to spank you."
"You know that I'm gay?" I asked incredulously.
"Of course, I know. I knew the second I met you. My gaydar is meticulous. Yours is non-existent."
"I guess we do have a lot to talk about," I mumbled.
"We sure do," he said. "Go back to work. I'll pick you up when it's time to leave. Maybe I'll pick you up a little before closing. I'm eager to have a social evening with you. By the way, I'm pleased that you finally showed a little gumption. Keep it up."
For the first time, I wondered if Jim had written the E Mails. I asked him point blank at the bar that evening, and he swore it wasn't him.
"I've been waiting patiently for you to get up the balls to confront me about your future, but I swear, I never sent you those E Mails. I'd like to add, however, that I am a secret admirer also."
Who the hell was it then? I concluded, once again, that it was someone (male or female) who was interested in me romantically, or a co-worker, who was concerned that my timidity was preventing me from advancing in the firm. Well, it worked. I vowed never to be timid again. Obviously, it got me nowhere except into a rut.
I decided to pursue the romantic theme first, before word got out that Jim and I were socializing. (I loved the sound of `Jim and I socializing').
"You've got good gaydar, and I have none. Are there any other gays in the office?" I pleaded with Jim.
"Boy, you really don't know, after working with us for a year and a half. It's a good thing you're a topnotch investment manager, because the rest of you is oblivious to your surroundings."
"I take it that there are others," I said in a near whisper.
Jim nodded.
"Who?" I asked. I was eager to find bretheren.
"If you don't know, I'm glad you're seated. I'm going to bowl you over. That having been said, I don't think any of them would have a romantic interest in you."
"Why not? I'm not bad looking, and I've got a great body."
"First of all, they're all happily coupled. Second, now that we're out to each other, I'll kill anyone who tries to steal you from me."
I leaned over and gave Jim a peck on the cheek. "You don't have a thing to be jealous of. I've always had the hots for you. I'd just like to know who my secret admirer is. Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Before I tell you who in the office is gay, will you come home with me tonight?"
"You betcha."
Jim took a deep breath. "Here's what I know," he said. "Our bosses, John Smith and Arn Lindquist, are happy, loving, partners, as are their sons Brett Smith and Sven Lindquist. I'm sure you know them."
"I sure do, but those guys are ga-ga for each other. They wouldn't be sending me love notes. Anyone else?"
"Stop interrupting, and I'll name everyone else in the office I know to be gay."
"Sorry, please continue."
"Then there's Teddy Simms. His partner is a fellow named Bill Wharton. Bill is a lawyer and his business partner is Joey Carson. Joey is happily married to Rickie Albert."
"You don't mean the rock star, do you?" I blurted out. "He's so famous." Jim finally ignored my frequent outbursts. He couldn't stop me, so he continued.
"Then there's Vincent Terrell. He's happily partnered with a lawyer named Joshua Fielding. Josh works right down the hall from us. He comes over often to pick Vince up for lunch or after work. You may have seen him."
"Yes, I've seen him. He's very good looking." I interrupted yet again. "None of those guys could be my secret admirer. You're telling me that they're all partnered or married, and happily so."
"Wait, there's one more. There's Marty Hall. He's married to a very wealthy architect named Colin Ryan. They're so in love, that when they're together, they have no idea what's going on around them."
I was silent for a moment, and finally I said, "You're so right. None of those guys could have sent those E Mails. It's probably a woman who thinks I'm straight. However, there may be a closeted gay man in the office, who not only wants to see me get ahead, but he may have the hots for me. What should I do?"
"Don't do anything for now, Jim said. "Tomorrow in the office, I'm going to tell everyone that we're a couple. Then I'll put my gaydar to work, and study everyone's reaction to the news. In the meantime, come home with me, so I can demonstrate how much I've longed to make love with you."
That's fine with me, but why did you wait so long?"
"I had to wait until you proved that you had the assertiveness to be a senior investment manager, and that your future with the firm was assured. Thank God, you finally did. If you hadn't demonstrated your business persona to me, I would have had to lecture you, but that wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted you to prove to me that you had what it takes."
"Does that mean you're promoting me to senior investment manager?"
"Yes, it does, and a hefty raise goes with the title."
After dinner, I went home with Jim. We made non-stop love. We sucked, fucked, rimmed, gave each other trips around the world, and golden showers. We were up all night, and should have called in sick the next morning, but we went to the office and valiantly stayed awake. We had to. We were going to make a momentous announcement, which included the need for us both to come out of the closet.
The reactions were what we expected. All the gay men, whom Jim had identified, were all over us with hugs, kisses, and well wishes. The other men and women shook our hands politely and congratulated us. When things settled down in the office, Jim told me that he thinks he knows who my secret admirer is.
"It's a woman," he said at dinner that evening in his apartment. "I guess she had no idea that you were gay, until we came out this morning."
"Who is it?" I begged to know.
"I'll tell you," Jim said, "but not until we make love."
We made love all night, just like the night before, but the next day we both requested a sick day. Two nights without sleep had exhausted us.
The following day, when I got to the office, I found another E Mail from my secret admirer.
I greatly admire and respect you for finally speaking up to your boss, and demanding to receive what you have earned. On the other hand, I was devastated to learn that you're gay. You know what they say, all the good guys are either married or gay. I had hoped to begin a relationship with you, but that will never be. I wish you and Jim the best of luck, and all the happiness you both deserve.
Your secret admirer.
This time I printed the letter to show Jim, and to ask about the person he suspected. He hit the nail on the head when he said it was a woman.
"You'd better tell me who you suspect right now, or you get no sex until you do," I demanded.
"Of course, I'll tell you. If I can't make love to you, I might as well throw it all in. I need you to love me back so badly."
"Sure, I do, so you better start talking."
"I suspect that it's your secretary, Laurie. I saw the look on her face when we came out. She looked like she was going to cry. Everyone else in the office came over to congratulate us, but she ran back to her desk. I can't be a hundred percent sure, but those signs are telling a pretty good story."
"Do you think I should ask her if she sent me the E Mails?" I asked Jim.
"Absolutely not. That might embarrass her enough to make her quit. Just remain quiet."
-3-
Of course, I remained quiet, but I was too curious to let sleeping dogs lie. I determined that somehow, I would find out, without asking Laurie point blank. I stayed late one night. Jim didn't like it, but I told him that I had to research an emerging company for a client. I promised not to be too late.
When everybody had cleared out, I went to Laurie's computer. She had two E Mail addresses. One was the company's: ` lauriebennet@smithandlindquest.com. The other one was: secretadmirer@gmail.com. It didn't matter. I didn't know her passwords, and I couldn't access either E Mail account, but I hit paydirt.
Secret Admirer was the address on my E Mails. I had no intention of confronting her, but I worked closely with her every day. Now that I knew how she felt, I was very uncomfortable. I knew what I had to do. At the first opportunity, I would recommend her for a better position with a more senior manager than I am.
I was in the process of moving in with Jim. I ran home, and Jim had preceded me by just a few minutes.
Unbelievably, an opening occurred immediately. Jim told me that evening that his secretary was getting married and moving to Texas. I begged him to promote Laurie. I told him how uncomfortable I was working with her, because I was certain that she was the one who had a crush on me. Nepotism always pays off. The next day, Laurie was promoted, and I elevated a clerical worker to be my assistant. She was well qualified.
My new secretary was thrilled, but I didn't know how Laurie felt, even with a hefty raise. It didn't matter. She was the one who wrote the E Mails, and I was glad not to have to work with her any longer.
As it turned out, Jim told me that Laurie wasn't happy to be separated from me, so I hatched a plan.
I have a brother, Carl. I never talk about him. He's drop dead gorgeous, and I've always been jealous of his good looks and his success. He's a year older than I am, and very straight. I invited him to dinner, so he could meet Jim, and I asked him to meet us at my office. He did.
When he arrived, I rushed him over to Jim's office. Laurie had not yet left for the day, so I introduced her to my brother. That was my plan. The sparks that flew between them threatened to burn down the office. The moment she left, Carl asked Jim for her phone number. Jim was in on my plot, so he gave Carl her number, immediately. After I introduced Carl to Jim, they embraced like family members do. That made me so happy.
"Where are we going for dinner?" Carl asked.
"We're going to a gay bar and grill, and don't moan," I said. "They have the best food in town. You'll be with us, so you don't have to act macho, or conversely, look scared. Just be yourself."
It turned out that he had a fun time at the restaurant, and especially at the bar, after dinner.
The next day, Carl called Laurie and made a date with her. They dated for four months. Then they got engaged. Every day in the office, Laurie thanked me several times for having introduced her to Carl.
She even told me that since she was going to be my sister-in-law, she wouldn't mind if we had a double wedding. I thought it was a bad idea, until I considered it carefully. A double wedding with one gay couple and one straight couple, would certainly be a novelty. It had to be a first. It was so unique, that The New York Times sent a reporter to cover the double wedding.
The four of us enjoyed our fifteen minutes of fame. In case you were wondering, we went to separate honeymoon locations. My brother is very well healed, and he and his wife went to Thailand. Jim and I went to a gay resort, and it was the best honeymoon ever.