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The downfall of a scientist
Sometime things far away seem to be a lot closer than they actually are. Memory closeted
long time ago could suddenly pops up and will persist until another long time. I am going to
write these things down because I am getting old now and I don't want them to be forgotten. I
don't know why I am telling people about my secrets which I used try to hide from people
when I was young. I guess when people get older, they want others to understand them. It is
like a last resort that people know no matter what they have done, they are going to be
forgotten anyway; however, there are minds, dreams, ideas and spirits that are unwilling to
be lost and they wish to leave marks on this material world, even on a piece of paper, rather
than just fade away like water colors in a river.
I decided to go back to where I met my first love. Maybe this would help me to recall some
part of my life that is already draining to the sink of the massive time coordinated hole. It was
where I had my first job in a laboratory. I would never forget Dr. Vernon, the lab coordinator
and also my first same sex secret admirer. At the very first time I saw him, I was already
attracted to him. There was something special in his voice, so gentle, yet so masculine at the
same time. He was a tall guy, balding but hairy. He was very learned, the only one with two Ph
D's in the university.
I could never make out what he was trying to experiment. At that time I was still an
undergraduate and my normal task was to wash some test tubes and run some errands.
Nobody in the lab knew I am gay. I was careful. Sure, back in those days, being gay was like
having 4 arms and two heads, so weird and almost diseased.
I admired DR Vernon and I felt torn apart by my feeling to him. So much I wanted to tell him I
love him and so much I was afraid people may find out I am gay and kicked me out of the lab.
Everytime when he was around, I would try to avoid eye contact with him because he was
"risky." I didn't want to act stupid before him. I worked hard, hoping he may recognize me. In
my dreams, I would tell him about my feeling to him, my total pure love to him, the way he
looks, the way he moves, he talks, which completely captures my mind. And in my dream, he
would smile and accept my love, hold my hand gently and kiss me. His kiss was so soft and
warm even time seemed to have frozen for us. I wanted to tell him about my dream, my goal
and shared everything with him. And when morning came, I would realize I was just a coward
that would never have my dream come true. (Anther: Sure there were more in my dream. But
if I tell you, this story will no longer be a "soft creative gay story" but a "hard" one.)
Time was rough in those days when the research funding was not enough. I know DR Vernon
tried hard to keep me in the lab. I still very appreciated him for doing this since I was a poor
student and I really needed the money.
As I worked in the lab longer, I understood the experiment more. It was a very abstract
experiment which seems to have three parts. I still remembered the time the first part of the
experiment was finished. DR Vernon looked especially handsome that day. I looked at him at
a distance. So much I wanted to kiss this handsome man and hug him. Please forgive me. I
am old now. I don't remember exactly what happened that day but I remember there was
some kind of party and the staffs of the research lab went to a small bar. We had a few drinks
and I already felt very sick. DR Vernon was always a kind man to me and he volunteered to
drive me home.
Despite his high capacity of alcohol, DR Vernon seemed to be a bit drunk when I welcome
him to my apartment. He fell into asleep on my couch. There was nothing more beautiful than
the picture before my eyes: a gentle, nice decent man, resting peaceful on my couch. I could
see his chest moving up and down with his breathing, his loosen up tie, well suit pants, and
his eyes close so sweetly that waking him up would be a sin. I wanted to kiss his soft warm
lips and told him about my love. I had done it so many times in my dreams but I could have
the courage in the real life. Instead, I woke him up. He woke up like a baby, blinking his eyes,
talking in a sleepy way, "Did I fall into asleep?" "Yeah. Are you doing okay?" "I guess I'd
better go now. Tomorrow I have to write up the proposal for the second part of the research
for the committee to review." "DR Vernon, please wait." The time had come. I knew if I didn't
say it now. I would never have a chance even if he may reject me. "DR Vernon. I love you. I
don't know how to say it. I hope you are not offended. I am gay and I have been secretly
admiring you for a year. I like you a lot and I hope you could give me a chance to know you
better." He was stunned. The air in the room seemed to have coagulated. I started to have
regret to have said this. A long time had passed, at least it was the way it seemed to me, he
said, "Thanks, Victor. I am surprised you know I am gay. I have a lover already and we are
happily married. You are a nice good looking young man. I am sure you can find someone
younger and better than me. I am too old for you." I looked at him. I wished I know what to say
to change his mind but there were always limitations for human. "Sorry, I guess I am too drunk
tonight." "You could use some rest." "See you tomorrow." So, this was my first time proposal
to a man and also the first most painful rejection.
Life goes on and I still worked in the lab. Being in the game of the god of fate, I met DR
Vernon and his lover once in the bar. I didn't approach them. His lover was a much older man
than I was. I was a bit mad than DR Vernon chose this ugly old man than me. At least, I was
much younger and good looking. Then, I felt ashamed to have cursed them because I could
tell they really love each other. I could see the kind of look my dad used to look at my mom
when they were still alive. I must be jealous. How could I not be jealous? Anyhow, I was also
happy DR Vernon had such a nice lover.
Life sucks and a tap on my shoulder brought me back to reality. I could believe my eyes. It
was DR Vernon.
"What brings you here, buddy?"
"Is that you, DR Vernon?"
"Who do you think I am, old friend."
We hugged each other. He had grown old. Time has leave tracks on his face although it was
not the first time I saw him like this. Yeah, it was still like yesterday. About a year later after I
met them, his lover died of AIDS. No matter how learned this man is, he couldn't save his
lover. It must have be very traumatic to him. The kind of male attractiveness and appealing
personality had disappeared. He became irrational. Most of the people in the lab couldn't
stand him and there was a huge brain drain. The research was slow and I managed to stay. It
was a very sad scene to see the man I love was hurt but I couldn't do anything but to watch.
His hairs started to turn white. Then, he was balding. He gained weight, became more ill
temper. I didn't want to see him wasting himself like this. One night, I asked him out and
suggested that we should date. It was in his house, and his lover's pictures were still
everywhere.
"Sorry, Victor. You are too good for me."
"Vernon, I really love you and I don't want you like this. Why don't you give me a chance? I
know I will never replace Vincent (his lover) but at least I could share the pain with you."
"Victor, I am too old for a new lover. I want to rest."
"Please Vernon!"
"Victor, if you want to have sex with me, I will sleep with you anytime; however, I don't want
any relationship now. I don't want anyone get hurt."
"Vernon, I am younger than you. I won't hurt you like your Vincent."
"That why I thought….."
He mumbled something I didn't understand. He went into a kitchen and brought two glasses
of whisky. "Drink with me, my friend." I looked at the whisky and without hesitation, I drank it
immediately. It was bitter but it was nothing compared to what I felt. I didn't know how much
we had drunk. But the next morning I found myself naked laying on his bed with him.
Moreover, I felt an incredible pain around my anus. I felt humiliated, and embarrassed. If he
wanted to have sex with me, he could ask me. Why he would get me drunk and rape me? I
remembered I left his house quickly. Later I transfer to another lab and I never heard from him
again.
"It has been a long time."
"Yeah, do you want to come in and to see my experiment product?"
"What? You completed the experiment without noticing me?"
"I tried to contact you but you moved and changed your telephone. I couldn't find you." I
remembered moving, but I didn't remembered changing my phone. Maybe I did. It was too
long ago now.
We walked in and there was a huge machine in the lab.
"Victor, for years, I have been doing a research of how to change the memory storage
method of human. This machine could enable our race to increase our mental power. You
want to give it a try."
"Why not? I am just an old man waiting to die."
"Don't say that. If you are a old man waiting to die, then who am I?"
"An older man should be dead now?" I teased him.
"Ha… Funny."
He put on the machine on me. He looked at me passionately and then kissed me gently. "All
these years I have asked the people I know of to do the experiment. I already do a minor
configuration change to the machine. Your mental power will still be enhanced, but memory
about me in your mind will be erased. I don't want to live anymore. I wanted to commit suicide
but I don't' want anyone get hurt by this, especially you." He turned on some of the switched. I
couldn't move my body or talk. "Forgive me Victor. You are the last one because I love you
the most besides Vincent. Please forgive me. I didn't mean to rape you. For a moment you
looked like Vincent and I missed him so much that I couldn't control myself. When you wake
up, you will forget everything. Once again, please forgive me." Tears running from my eyes as
I watched him turned on the machine. My vision was getting blurry and DR Vernon
disappeared in my tears.
The school hasn't changed a bit. I wonder why there are wires all over my body. I don't
remember how come I am here telling you this. I guess I am too old. Maybe I should start
writing an autobiograph.