Disclaimer: I don't know BSB or anyone connected to them in anyway. I don't know their sexual preferences, this is just a story. I made it all up in my own little twisted world. Well, it's not that twisted but that's not the point.
Warning: I don't know where this is going, or what will happen. I've had this story on my mind for the past couple of months. There may be sex, but if there is it won't be in the first chapter. So if that's what you're looking for you might want to look in another place. Now I'm going to try and not use any super natural beings. I may fail but hell trust me when I say I can't help it.
Authors Note: Well I'm back and my BSB kick, and I've left for other bands alone. Now that most likely won't last for long so don't get your hopes up. If you have time and like this story check out some of my other stories. I'll leave a small list at the end of this chapter. I don't have an editor anymore, so most likely there will be a few mistakes. I would also like to add that if you have the time to please e-mail me. I love feed back and in some ways it helps get the next chapter out. Ok I'm going to explain my symbols and my way of writing. I write in the first person point of view, so to tell the story better I switch characters. I use these *** to do that and I also use those symbols to start off the chapter. I will put the name of the characters name in between the symbols when I start a chapter. When I change the character in the middle of the chapter or any part of the chapter the name will be at the end of the symbols. As of right now those are the only symbols I use. If I add more symbols I will explain, now on with the story I hope you enjoy it.
Brian*
I took her advice and went back to Jane's before as Leigh had said it was too late. When I got there I found a very pissed off Jane, what I didn't find was Ash.
"He's gone Brian, he packed his stuff and called a cab." The look she was giving me could have scorched two or three states.
"His reason was because I wasn't up front and honest with him. So he got his stuff and left, where he is, who he happens to be with I have no idea. I've already called Brenda, she doesn't know where he is, but she told me if she found out she would get back to me. So Brian why don't you tell me why you told my son something that would make him leave." I didn't know how to answer her, or even if I had the right to ever speak again. It was then that I was saved by the bell of the phone ringing. She paused for a second then picked up the phone, I had tried to leave but she stopped me. When she hung up the phone I could see that a lot of the anger had left her face.
"Well, it seems that Ash has checked himself into a hospital, and has refused all visitors. At least I know he's ok, now I believe you were about to tell me why you hurt my son." This time there was no getting away as she turned the ringer on the phone off.
"He asked me, and I couldn't lie to him, not with knowing the truth for so long. He had the right to know Jane, you know that, it's the only reason you're so pissed. That and the fact that I didn't mean to hurt him, just be honest with him." She looked at me for a good while before she started nodding.
"I guess it was for the best, I should have told him myself a long time ago. I'm sorry Brian, I shouldn't even be upset with you, but I just needed someone to blame. You know I thought that we were finally making a connection. Now all that could be gone because I wasn't honest with him and asked everyone else to do the same. Then I come to find that I'm the reason the others haven't been coming. I've hurt him so much Brian, and I don't know how to fix it." I held her as she cried, but for some reason I wasn't sad, in some ways this could help. For the next couple of hours we made phone calls informing people what Ash had chosen. Nick was on his way home so he could try to talk to Ash and hopefully talk him into coming back. AJ had even said he would give it shot since he felt that he understood how Ash may be feeling. Kevin said that he and Kristen would be down as quickly as they could. Howie said he was in the area and would stop by the hospital and see if Ash would let him come up. After making a few more calls I found that I now had to make a choice. I could try and go see Ash but I was scared that he wouldn't see me after last night. There was this feeling in my chest that he knew why I had brought Leigh with me, only he hadn't said anything.
It was then that I remembered that Leigh was at the hotel waiting for me to call her. So I called her and filled her in, she told me that she had told me if I waited to long this would happen. Then she said that maybe we should go see him together, that maybe we could sneak past the guards. What she had in mind had me laughing a little to loudly since I now had Jane looking at me. After hanging up the phone I filled Jane in, who to my surprise thought it was a great idea.
"All that matters is if it works, if you can talk him into coming back. If not here then with you, I honestly believe that you have the best chance of getting through to him. Even with the rest of us lying to him at least you told him the truth. So at least we have that on our side, for now anyway." The planning went on, when Leigh arrived she was already in costume. I laughed a little since she was normally a pretty small woman.
"You try wearing this get up, it was made for men anyway, to teach them a lesson." Her face was dead serious, then she started laughing lightly.
"We should get over there as quickly as we can, maybe if it all works out we'll be back here before the guys get here." I nodded and headed to the car opening and holding the door for her, she walked through with a little trouble. I listened as she wined and vowed not have any children any time soon. Even with her belly being as big as it was, she was still beautiful. With Leigh by my side I went straight to the nurses desk.
"Hi we're here to see Ash Lee, this is his sister, and she wanted to wish him well before we leave Florida. Could you please tell us which room he's in, I forgot to ask when we were on the phone" The nurse looked at Leigh and smiled slowly before typing the name in the computer.
"Well, it says here that he doesn't want any visitors. That must be a mistake, I'll change it shortly, his room number is four thirteen." Leigh nodded and thanked the lady as we walked by. So far everything was going smoothly as we passed through a few doors and got on the elevator. When we reached the forth floor the doors opened to reveal a strange looking floor. As we walked down the hall we found that everyone on the floor was in a wheel chair. I read a few signs and found that it wasn't really a floor for those that needed doctors. It was a rehabilitation floor, so Ash hadn't just checked himself in he planned on getting better. It helped a lot to know that he wasn't giving up, and I wondered if we should try to get him to leave. This could be the best place for him, he did have a better chance getting better here than anywhere else. At least here he could get the best treatment, and a lot of help any time he needed it. When we found the room it was empty so we went a head and took seats on the bed. I was a little nervous but I couldn't really turn back now. When Ash entered he stopped and looked at us for a while, then smiled.
"I should have known that a nurse couldn't keep you out of here, so what do you want." He wasn't really cold, but there was something wrong with his voice.
"We just came to see you and to see if you'll come back with us." He nodded slowly then started shaking his head lightly.
"It's nice to see you, but I can't leave here, not until I'm up and walking again." His voice was calm and clear, but there was just something missing. It had me worried that maybe he was just putting on an act. There was no reason for it so I just pushed the thought out of my mind.
"I guess that you're just the first wave, so who should I expect next?" Ash had tilted his head to the side, almost like he was tired of seeing us.
"I'm not for sure but everyone's on their way here, so I guess you should just be prepared." He nodded slowly then moved to the bed in which he climbed in without any help.
"You do realize that this game is over don't you?" I was a little confused by his question, so I just looked at him.
"Brian I know why you came down here with Leigh, it wasn't the firm's idea. I called and asked them about it when I got home this morning, so why don't you be honest with me." Now I was hurt that he hadn't trusted me enough to just take my word.
"Just leave Brian, it's over, you don't have to act like you want to go out with me anymore."
"No, it's not an act, I do want to be with you, I do believe me on that." He looked at me with these sad eyes, then started shaking his head.
"You came here to tell me that you no longer wanted to be with me. I understand that, look at me, I'm in a wheel chair, and you need more. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you an honest person, and that's ok. Just tell me the truth, you always have before, please don't start lying to me now." There were tears falling from his eyes, Leigh just stood up and left the room without looking back.
"You're right, I came here to tell you it was over, but I changed my mind. Last night you changed my mind, when I saw you fighting so hard just to stand, it changed everything. I love you, I have from the first moment I met you, it may not look like it, but I do love you. Sometimes my mind has a little bit of trouble agreeing with my heart, but not anymore." He just looked at me, tears still fell but it was like the light was leaving his eyes.
"I guess I should be honest, I didn't call anyone this morning, and I was hoping I was wrong. Still I shouldn't be to upset, after all you told me the truth like I knew you would. Brian, I can honestly say that I love you, and I think that I always have. Now I'm going to do something that I should have done a long time ago, leave you're free." I started to open my mouth but Ash placed his hand over my lips and just shook his head.
"I've talked with my doctors and they don't think I have any real chance of walking again. If I do by chance start walking again it'll be years, not weeks, years Brian that I'll be in this chair. I'm just going to be holding you back, and you deserve more than that, someone who can be with you. I can't do that right now, and there's still a chance that I'll never be able to do that. Find someone else to share your life with, someone who can make you happy." I tried to tell him that he made me happy but he only kept telling me to leave. When I finally walked out the door I heard a loud sob that made me want to turn around. Only I found that I couldn't as Leigh walked beside me leading me back to the car. After leaving the hospital and getting back in the car I found that couldn't move or speak. This wasn't making any sense to me, this just couldn't be real, nothing real could hurt this much.
"It'll be ok Brian, he'll realize that he's wrong and he'll call you up and tell you so." Her words didn't even phase the shell that I had started building around myself. Because I knew that Ash wouldn't change his mind anytime soon, and if he did it would be after he was walking again. That could take years, and no matter how many times I told myself I would wait, I knew that wasn't true. I was human and I needed things that everyone needed. Ash couldn't do that right now, and in time I would find someone that could.
*****Ash
Asking Brian to leave had to be the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I knew that if I would have just kept my mouth shut I could have kept this game going for a long time. Only I didn't want that, it wasn't fair to myself or to him, so everything had to change. If I ever got my legs back I would seek him out and if he was single I would ask him out. Only something told me that he wouldn't be single, but that was ok since this had been my choice. I would miss him, I would have to be crazy not to miss him, he was perfect. He was to perfect to be with someone that was as jaded as I was, I messed up in more places than just my legs. My mind wasn't where it use to be and I had known that for a while now. So I sat in my room and waited for the next person to come and try to talk me into leaving. It didn't take long as AJ walked in wearing scrubs like a doctor. I just laughed as he pulled the mask down and gave me this really wild smile.
"Nice set up you got here, but I liked my room a lot better, maybe you should talk to them about it." I just nodded as he took a seat beside me on the bed then he looked at me.
"I know what you're feeling, but you can't just give in and let it all fall apart. If you do trust me when I say it's a bitch pulling it all back together." He looked so sincere, and I had no doubt that he was in fact just that.
"I just don't know what to do anymore, everything is so messed up. I just don't understand how all this could happen, it doesn't make any sense." AJ patted my shoulder lightly then punched me lightly.
"Shit happens, you know that better than a lot of people, so don't start feeling sorry for yourself now." I just looked at him and smiled, it was a little hard to take offense toward him when he was smiling.
"Yeah I know but, it's not my legs that really bother me, it's my hands. I can't really draw anymore, and when I do it takes three times as long. My hands are always tired along with the rest of my body. I can't do all that much without needing help at some point, and I use to do everything for myself, I just feel so useless." AJ was nodding slowly then he looked at me for a little while.
"That's life, I just found that out, but you're better than this man. Just because I haven't come to see you doesn't mean I don't ask about you from time to time. Look at yourself, the doctors said that they didn't think you would get this far. Now they think you won't ever walk again, but I bet you that you will, and you'll do more than that. In time I think you'll reclaim all that you think you've lost, which isn't that much. That's if you wake up and look around in time to see that what you're losing is what you have now. Brian's a good guy but that doesn't mean he can wait forever and he won't. Your Mom isn't going to live forever so it's not like you have forever to get to know her."
"Wake up, and take a good look around, where are you and where were you. Yeah I know you were lied to, but it wasn't like people were trying to hurt you. The only reason no one told you was simple, we thought it might hurt your recovery. So we lied, shoot us why don't you, we were just trying to help. Like I'm doing now, you mean a lot to us, why, well I don't think anyone knows. I know that it isn't because of your brother, I think it's because of you. You're not Nick, and I would be really happy about that little fact, but you are you. You have this gift to let people in, and make them feel special and needed. Even when you're being an ass and telling people to go screw themselves really well. Lighten up on us and yourself, let people in, you're really good at it. Anyway I have a meeting to catch, so I'll chat later, maybe next time I won't have to dress up." He hugged me then walked out the door pulling the mask back up. His words were really hitting me hard, and I would have never thought he would be the one to knock my walls down. That didn't mean I was going to check myself out of the hospital, it was my best chance on walking again. Only now I had a few things that I really had to think about before my next visitor arrived. So I picked up the phone and let the word out that I wasn't keeping visitors out any more. There wasn't any real use, I didn't think anyone could keep them out now. When Nick walked in I was ready for a small fight but that wasn't what I got. He hugged me and then looked at me for a little while.
"You know I never really could stand these places, I guess that's one of the areas we differ in." I nodded since hospitals weren't all that bad in my mind anyway. There food sucked but it was the best place to be if you were in need.
"So, are you going to try and talk me into coming back, or just visiting?" He laughed a little and took a seat on my bedside where he just looked at me.
"I don't think it would do all that much good, you've made your mind up. If we have one thing in common it's that, we're both stubborn as mules. So I'm just here to see my brother, maybe stay the night and sleep in that chair over there." I pulled him into my arms and hugged him, this was what I had missed growing up.
"I love you, you know that don't you?" He nodded and hugged me back a little tighter, then he started making noises. It was then that I could feel the tears making their way through my shirt.
"I'm sorry that I lied to you, and kept everything from you, please don't be mad at me." I shook my head and rubbed the top of his head lightly.
"I'm not mad at you, AJ explained everything really well, and I understand why you all kept your mouths shut. If you stay all night we can share the bed, we're brothers right?" He nodded slowly and pulled back so I could see his smile.
Nick stayed with me and talked about a few things that had been going on in his life. It was nice to just sit and talk with him without fear of him holding back. I knew he was being himself, and found I should have given him a better chance. Then again if I had we wouldn't be where we were today and things could have been worse. Even with me being in this bed and losing my ability to walk, it could have been worse. Maybe not as bad as my losing my legs, but I could have lost something a lot more important. I could have lost my heart and become something like Brenda when life wasn't hectic. Mom had told me how Brenda had let the walls fall down when I had first been put in the hospital. Still I didn't remember that, and when I had woken up and came home she was back to normal. The thought of becoming a heartless beast scared the living hell out of me, and I knew that's what could have happened. It was the road I had been on before I had taken off and went back home. It was then that I started to see that I was becoming like my parents. They weren't my mother and father, yet they did have a hand in rasing me. I was becoming like them as more time passed, that was until Nick took me away from it and made me feel. Even if what he made me feel wasn't something I wanted, but it was real. I hugged him which first confused him, but that didn't stop him from hugging me back. When Kevin walked in he looked like he had something to feel guilty about. Kristen was right behind him, she had this pissed off look on her face.
"Hi Ash, guess what I just found out?" I was at a loss for words, Kristen had never really been that talkative around me.
"That Kevin had been keeping his distance from me since he didn't want to lie to me?" She had this shocked look on her face, then she looked back at Kevin who looked confused.
"I'm over it now, I'm not even upset with it anymore, it's just apart of life." It felt good to just let everything go, anger and everything that came with it weren't worth the effort. I needed to focus on getting my legs back under me and my hands working the way they use to. Then I could get back to living my life the way it should be lived.
"So does that mean you're going to move back in with Jane and the Carter clan?" I shook my head and told them that I was staying here until I could walk again.
"This is the best place for me, at least until my doctor gives me the go for home. Then I'm moving back to New York, nothing against anyone. It's just where my business is, but I plan on visiting everyone as much as I can." I know that I had left Brian out of everything but it was what I had to do now. There was no doubt that I loved him, but until I was fully recovered it just wasn't going to happen. I just couldn't be in a relationship right now, not with trying to recover. After Kevin and Kristen left Howie showed up with some food and a card. He didn't ask if I was going to move back to Jane's he was just there to show his support. After he left Nick pushed me a little so he would have some more room to sleep.
"So, are you and Brian really over, or have you thought about it anymore?" I looked to Nick and smiled, this is what we should have been talking about a long time ago. Well, not this topic, but something close to it.
"Yeah, for now it's over, maybe when I can be who I use to be I can try to win him back. It just isn't something I can do right now, and it isn't fair to keep Brian hanging." Nick nodded and placed his arms behind his head slowly closing his eyes.
"What are you going to do if he finds someone else before you get better?" It was a really good question, and it had been on my mind for a while.
"Hope that he's happy, it's all I want for him, I do love him. I just can't be with him right now, if he finds someone else I'll wish them the best and hope to become friends with Brian and his new boy friend." Nick opened his eyes again and looked at me for a little while.
"I wish that I could do something like that, but it's not in me. If I were in your shoes I would have kept him hanging just so I knew he would be there for me. You, you're different, and it makes me so proud to know that you're my brother." I hugged him again and rested my head on his chest lightly and just looked up at the ceiling. I was in a restful sleep with images of running and drawing again. In the dream I was beside my brothers and sisters, and Mom was standing on my left side. We were looking out at the ocean, and there was this beautiful sun rise. In the distance I could see Brian smiling at me while he held his hand out. I ran up to him and took his hand pulling him into my arms holding him tightly. He pulled back slowly and kissed my lips before fading away. I woke up after that to find the sun shining brightly in my eyes and Nick tapping the top of my forehead.
"If you don't stop doing that I'm going to bite your finger off." He laughed lightly and drummed all his fingers once again before pulling his hand back.
"Do you think you could move, cause I've had to go to the bath room for a while now." I laughed and sat up letting Nick get up and run to the bath room, I just shook my head. When Mom walked in she was holding a very large basket that looked like it had a lot of food in it.
"I thought this would make a good peace offering, that and I know how much you hate hospital food." I laughed as she sat the basket down and wrapped me in her arms.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth, I just thought it would hurt you more than help you." I nodded and kissed her cheek lightly before telling it was ok and forgotten about. When Nick walked back out we ate what she had brought and just talked about stuff that didn't really matter.
The hardest part was telling her that I wasn't going to be moving back in. It went well since I said I would still visit as often as I could. That and she could come and visit whenever she wanted to. After that Mom left leaving Nick to sit and watch me with my therapy. He even tried to mimic me on the other side of the room, it was kind of cute. Nick stayed another night before he had to leave to go back on tour with the guys, it was a little sad to see him go. Still I had Mom who would visit everyday and try to help with the therapy. My legs weren't hurting as much as they use to but I still wasn't getting much use out of them. Yet without the pain hammering my mind it gave me a little hope that I was getting better. Soon two months had passed and I was starting to gain a little bit of power in my legs. I couldn't walk, but I could stand without any pain and stay standing. I had spoken with all the guys, all but Brian, there was a distance between us. It was my fault but it was for the best, that was until I got a phone call from Nick. He then told me that Brian was dating one of the dancers, and he just had to tell me. I was glad that he called, yet it hurt to know that I had now lost Brian forever, but it was still good to know. Later that night the rest of the guys called to tell me the same thing.
In some ways it made it easier to take my time to get better instead of rushing myself and ending up hurting myself. At least now I had only one goal in mind, and that was getting better. Later that month Nick came and spent a week with me in my room helping as much as he could. We talked about Brian and how I was feeling about everything. I was hurting, but I was happy that he had in fact found someone to love and be happy with. Nick only shook his head and told me that Brian wasn't really happy, he was just there. It was like he had only found someone else because he missed sleeping with a warm body. That no matter what happened Brian would always love me and me alone. The words brought tears to my eyes when I thought that I had caused this to happen to him. That in someway I was responsible for his unhappiness in life and love. Only there wasn't anything I could do, if only I was back to full health, and able to be with him. It took a while but I finally managed to get those thoughts out of my mind and back to trying to get better. Given more time there might have been a chance we would have gotten back together without anyone getting hurt. Now everything had changed since Brian had moved on without me. That was ok, it just meant that when I was better I would have to move on as well.
Time seemed to fly when I got more focussed on my rehabilitation. Soon I was taking small steps and I was about to turn twenty-two. Nick and I had planned a birthday party for ourselves on our birthday. We had both invited Brian and his new boyfriend and all the other guys and family members. I planned on standing to cut the cake with Nick, then walking back to my chair. With a little help from Nick it should all work out, and it would be the first time I had left the hospital since I had entered it. So Mom was really happy that the party was being held at her house. It gave me more reason to try and walk a little harder so I wouldn't have to much trouble. The only person that knew I was walking a little was Nick, who was doing a good job keeping his mouth shut. Every so often I would look in a mirror and wish that my lower body was close to what my upper body now looked. Since I had been in the hospital my upper body had gotten pumped from all the lifting. The first thing that had started teaching me was how to live in a wheel chair without help. That had caused me to use my upper body nonstop for long amounts of time. So it was now in the best shape it could be, now if only my legs had that kind of tone. Everything would happen in time, all I had to do was just work on it, then I would be back better than ever before. My hands had been feeling better as well, so soon I would be going home.
*******Brian
I looked over at Jerry, he was sleeping peacefully, he was such a great guy. He was kind and loving, and I think he loved me. The only problem with our relationship was that I loved another. Even now all I wanted was to wake up beside Ash, just look over at him to see him smile. He didn't even know about Ash and I, since we didn't want to risk the world finding out that Ash existed. At least not until we were ready to deal with the scandal that the papers would make it out to be. Yet Jerry was about to see Ash and Nick side by side very soon. I couldn't turn the innovation down, it was my best friends birthday, to bad he shared it with the object of my affection. When Jerry turned over he looked up at me and smiled before sitting up.
"Are you ok honey, you look a little down, tell me what's wrong?" I just smiled and told him that nothing was wrong I just had a few things on my mind. After that he didn't ask any more questions, since I had dodged the first one. Jerry wasn't stupid, in fact he had gone through college and had a degree in something. It didn't really matter since all that filled my mind were drawings I had seen and clothing I had worn. I planned on wearing what Ash had made me since he hadn't really seen me in it. There were a few other hopes that I had, but I knew that since I had moved on that most likely he had too. Only the guys didn't want to break my heart with the news. When we got the party it hadn't even started which was good to some degree. Nick was picking up Ash from the hospital and not that many other people were at the house. If I really wanted to I could just leave the gifts and take off before I got my heart broken again. So I walked into the kitchen kissed Jane on the cheek and left the gift with her. I lied and told her that Jerry and I had an appointment that we couldn't miss. That if we could we drive straight back after it was over. Jerry helped me cover my tracks but he looked a little confused. After leaving the kitchen I headed straight for the door only to open it find Ash. He looked up and slowly smiled, I just froze, he was looking really good.
"I'm happy that you could make it Brian, and thank you for wearing the clothing I made for you." His voice was just how I had remembered it, his hair was longer but still well kept.
"Are you going to stay for a while or did you just come to drop something off?" He was giving me a chance to leave, only now I found it hard to even breath.
"We have an appointment Nick, but we're going to try and make it back." Ash looked over at Jerry his eyes seemed to darken. It was then that Nick ran up behind Ash and placed his hands on his shoulders. Jerry's eyes got wide as he looked at Ash and Nick, then he passed out. He had fallen right onto Ash, who to my amazement caught him.
"You should have warned him Brian, you should have known better." Ash lifted Jerry up and placed him on his lap before entering the house. I was just amazed that he could lift Jerry up so easily and then move past me. Everyone watched in silence has Ash lifted Jerry up and laid him on the couch. He had changed so much in the short amount of time that we had last seen each other.
"I guess I should get out of sight until everyone can tell him what's going on." Ash left the room after that, I just watched him go, it was all I could not to chance after him. Jerry finally woke up and looked around, then he started smiling slowly.
"Thank God, I thought I saw two Nicks, could you just imagine the hell they would unleash on earth. I mean think about it, two of them, it would be like the biggest joke God could play. Well, either a joke, or revenge on earth, one or the other that's for sure." Nick's face was starting to get red, only I didn't know if he was getting pissed or about to laugh.
"Ash why don't you come out here and introduce yourself to Jerry, Brian's boyfriend." Ash came back into the room with this really dark look on his face.
"Well, I guess God was in a real joking mood then wasn't he?" Jerry swallowed very hard as he looked back and forth between Nick and Ash.
To Be Continued