Disclaimer: I don't know BSB or anyone connected to them in anyway. I don't know their sexual preferences, this is just a story. I made it all up in my own little twisted world. Well, it's not that twisted but that's not the point.
Warning: I don't know where this is going, or what will happen. I've had this story on my mind for the past couple of months. There may be sex, but if there is it won't be in the first chapter. So if that's what you're looking for you might want to look in another place. Now I'm going to try and not use any super natural beings. I may fail but hell trust me when I say I can't help it.
Authors Note: Well I'm back and my BSB kick, and I've left for other bands alone. Now that most likely won't last for long so don't get your hopes up. If you have time and like this story check out some of my other stories. I'll leave a small list at the end of this chapter. I don't have an editor anymore, so most likely there will be a few mistakes. I would also like to add that if you have the time to please e-mail me. I love feed back and in some ways it helps get the next chapter out. Ok I'm going to explain my symbols and my way of writing. I write in the first person point of view, so to tell the story better I switch characters. I use these *** to do that and I also use those symbols to start off the chapter. I will put the name of the characters name in between the symbols when I start a chapter. When I change the character in the middle of the chapter or any part of the chapter the name will be at the end of the symbols. As of right now those are the only symbols I use. If I add more symbols I will explain, now on with the story I hope you enjoy it.
Extra Note: Well I went to vote for the stories in the awards and was amazed to find that this story was nominated. On top of that I found that I was nominated for up and coming author, it's such an honor that I would be given the honor of being nominated. I don't know how to thank all the people that helped give me this wonderful honor. To be perfectly honest I don't care if I win, to be nominated is enough to make my eyes go wide and my jaw drop. So thank you all for doing this for me, and making me feel so very good about myself and my writing.
Nick*
I knew that I was supposed to be watching Ash and Brian to see what was happening. But I couldn't stop watching AJ, and all the pain he was putting himself through for Ash. It was touching and heart breaking to watch everything that was happening in our lives. Ash wanted Brian, AJ wanted Ash, and I wasn't sure who Brian wanted, and I think I wanted AJ. The night he had held me in his arms had changed a lot of things, not right away but as time passed it kept coming back to my mind. The way his arms had felt around my body keeping me safe from everything that could hurt me. Now everything was so screwed up and there was no way to fix it. At least in no way that I knew of which only made it worse and I couldn't really go to anyone for help. I didn't know if Ash knew how AJ felt about him so I couldn't talk to him. Brian was way out of the picture since I was pretty much setting him and Ash up, and putting Jerry out in the cold. Then there was Kevin, who for some odd reason had been spending as much time with Ash as he could. If Kevin wasn't in the area he would call and ask me how Ash was, and what he was doing. It was kind of sad to see him like this, it had reminded me of the way he had called his friends to check up on Kristen. He wasn't possessive like it sounded but he liked to know what was going on.
It was his way of planning things for the future and having an edge on everything that could take place. Even tonight Kevin was watching Ash like a hawk, and if Kristen wasn't here I was afraid of what could have taken place. Ash had always walked around in close to nothing before, but tonight it was like some had just dressed him in starlight. The clothing was beautiful, and shined just right when any light hit it, making him look like some kind of God dancing on the floor. AJ was having a hell of a time keeping everyone away from Ash. I think it was the first time we had ever played the part of body guard for anyone. At this moment Ash needed it more than I think any of us had ever needed it before. AJ had done some amazing working with teaching Ash to dance, and now it was paying off. I think every eye in the rented club was on Ash who was moving with grace and purpose. His hair was flying around and sweat was starting make his body shine even more. When I finally saw Brian moving toward him I looked to Jerry who was no longer in sight. Brian started dancing with Ash, and every few seconds Brian would move closer. Soon Brian's hands were around Ash's waist and the sight was a little to erotic for pubic eyes in my opinion. I couldn't help but to search for Jerry who was now making his way back to the table. So Brian had joined Ash the second Jerry had gone to the restroom. It made me wonder how Brian was going to handle Jerry from here on out.
I watched as Kevin bumped into Jerry on purpose to distract him from seeing that Brian wasn't waiting. Now things were starting to get interesting considering that this moment had been what we had been waiting for. I didn't really understand why Kevin would intervene, unless he had a plan of his own. Which also didn't make sense unless the problems he and Kristen had been having were getting this bad. The only person that ever came close to having an inside look was Ash and he had never spoken about it. Still if the problem was what I was thinking it was then there was a good chance that Kevin hadn't talked to Ash about that. There were times when Kevin and Kristen got along great, but most of those times were after Kevin had spoken with Ash. For a short amount of time after their talks everything would be perfect between them. Then as if someone had pushed a button all hell would break lose and they would be fighting again. Ash would once again bring peace to everything and Kevin and Kristen would start getting along again. Now it was starting to become all to clear, Kevin had a thing for Ash, and it looked like he had it for a long time. Only no one could see past him and Kristen to see that something else could be going on in his heart. Now I was starting to see that this whole thing was getting really far out of hand. This could destroy the band if it wasn't handled with enough care and time.
It was the scariest thought to enter my mind, to lose my friends because most of them had feelings for Ash. I know that it wasn't his fault, he hadn't done anything to cause this to happen he was just being himself. Now the only person I could hope to turn to was Howie and that was only if he wasn't interested in Ash. I didn't really think he was but there could still be a chance that he was. It was a strange feeling that washed over me as Brian walked away from Ash. Ash didn't look that upset, he was still dancing but there was this look in his eyes. Slowly he made his way toward the back of the club where I had found him before. AJ was right behind him, I just couldn't follow yet I had to know what had happened with Brian. So I made my way over to him, he was talking with Jerry in a hushed voice.
"Bri, could I have a word with you real quick, if you don't mind Jerry?" Jerry shook his head while Brian stood and walked away from the music.
"What just happened between you and Ash, I couldn't help but see you dancing with him." Brian turned a little red and looked back toward Jerry who seemed to be in his own world.
"I told him that I still loved him, but that I couldn't be with him now, because I do love Jerry as well. It's weird but once I let myself go, I started seeing how wonderful Jerry really was. He's not Ash, no one could ever be like Ash, but he's a good person and I want to try to make this work. I hope you're not angry with me, but it's just the way I feel now." I wasn't anywhere near upset with him, but now I was a little worried about Ash and AJ.
"I'm happy that you're happy Bri, it's all I could want for my best friend right? But I'm not going to pretend that I'm not worried about Ash, he loves you and he always will." Brian looked away, then took a few deep breaths then returned his gaze to me.
"I know, and I know it's why he did all this, I'm not stupid Nick. Like I said I love him and I always will, he did so much for me and I repaid him with betrayal. He made a choice then, and I didn't fight him as strongly as I should have. In time I moved on as much as I could, then saw him again and felt everything I had felt before. At that moment Jerry gave me a choice, and to be honest I had almost chosen Ash, but I changed my mind. I went back to Jerry and tried my hardest to let him in, and it worked, Ash knows that now." I nodded slowly, hugged Brian and went looking for Ash, he had to need someone right now. When I reached the back room I found AJ holding his head in his hands looking at a swinging door.
"Ash changed his clothing and took off out the door, he said that he didn't know when he would be back." I just shook my head and tried to help him a little, he only pulled away and walked to the door.
"He'll be back AJ, I know he'll be back, he won't give up that easy, it's not in him to just give up." AJ just shook his head as he turned around and looked at me, his eyes held so much pain.
"You didn't see him when he was back here Nick, he was so upset, and lost, it was like his world fell apart. I'm going to kill Brian for this, he has no right to treat Ash like this, no one does." I stopped AJ as he tried to go after Brian, which is something that no one needed right now.
"AJ, you know damn well that this could have happened, and it's not Brian's fault, at least not completely. Ash made some choices, and Brian has made some choices, that's life man, you know it. He'll be back, I promise, you have to know in your heart he wouldn't leave like that." AJ only shook his head, then he grabbed his jacket and walked out the door. I had thought that Ash would come back, but he didn't no one saw him for a month. We finally got a post card from him, he was in Paris, or at least when he had sent the card. He had said that he just needed time to find himself and come to grips with life itself, that he would be home soon. Only he didn't come home, soon the months started flying by, we still got post cards, but it wasn't the same. He would always say he would be home soon, but that day looked like it would never come. Soon we were on tour again, and I was turning twenty-three, so was Ash. Mom was scared that she would never see him again that something would happen and he would be gone forever. AJ stayed to himself and never really spoke unless he had to, Brian and Jerry never really left one another for anything. Kevin and Kristen were getting a divorce which was all over the news. Only it wasn't affecting the band in a bad way, it only seemed to make the girls crazier. While I just watched AJ and waited for my brother to come home and make everything ok again.
Not that everything was falling apart or anything, but I believed that he could at least make some of us happy again. Howie missed Ash's wild attitude, and I just missed him like I would miss air. When I had finally gotten to know him he took off to recover from being rejected. Then there was AJ, I still wanted to be with him, but he loved my brother and there was nothing I could do about it. I knew that I could try to get his attention, but something told me that would be useless. After all, Ash had that affect on people, even Brian asked about him all the time. Then one day Brian stopped asking about him and this distant look was in his eyes. Jerry didn't even understand it, all anyone knew was he had left for two days then came back different. When he looked at Jerry you could tell that something was happening in his mind. We all wondered where he had gone and what he had seen that could have changed him so much. There was one thing we knew, he hadn't seen Ash, so that confused us even more. A few weeks passed and he was still the same, distant and looked somewhat lost. He was pushing everyone away from him, even Jerry which was strange. When the group couldn't take it anymore Kevin got him alone and talked to him for a long time. When they came back out it looked like both had been crying. That night Kevin called a group meeting that Jerry wasn't invited to, only he didn't seem to mind.
We all sat around the room waiting for Brian, he had gone to get something to share with us. When he arrived he was holding a piece of paper, and somehow I knew who it was from. Brian looked at the paper like it was the hundredth time he had read it, and it showed with only many wrinkles and tears drops had fallen. He then sat the letter down for anyone to read, only no one moved. When Kevin finally picked the letter up he cleared his throat and prepared to read it out loud.
"Dear Brian, I know this must be strange hearing from me after you told me your choice. To be honest I've tried to write you a thousand times since then, and each time the letter got trashed. I don't know why this is so hard, after all we were friends before even the idea of a relationship came to mind. So this letter should have been the easiest thing to write, but it isn't. I love you so very much, and for so long I didn't show you how much you meant to me. Now I know that I should have said so many things to you, and I never did. The first time that we spent time together I should have told you that I had gotten a crush on you. Then when you stood up for me I should have told you how much it had made my heart melt and my mind race. Later I came back to find a prince sleeping, and it was so hard not to wake you with a kiss that night. I had wanted to love you so very much, but I could never find the words. Then time and anger kept me from seeing the truth and my own heart. My mind robbed me of chances that I could have taken that could have changed my life for the better. Then once again you came to my rescue, and even then I didn't tell you how you made me feel. When I opened the door and found you standing behind it, it took everything for me not to pull you to my lips. Then you were gone again, only this time I thought that maybe there could be a you and I, only fate had something else in mind."
"Then I found myself in a prison made of my own body since it no longer followed my orders. I could see and hear everything around me, only I had no control, still you were there. You would smile and talk to me, and make these silly little face that would cheer me up. During that time you were the only one that had faith that I would recover from my accident. Then you left me again, only I knew you couldn't stay forever, even if that was all I wanted. If I could have had a wish, it would have been that you would always be with me. Then the morning that I would finally regain some control came, and you were there for me. Like an angel at my side, only I didn't tell you then that I loved you more than life itself. If I had known that would be the last time I would ever share my bed with you, I would have never of moved. I just wanted you to know that I loved you, and that I would always love you no matter where I go, or what I do. That no matter what you will always have my heart, even if you don't want it anymore. I know that you've moved on, and I couldn't be happier for you, only I can't, so I've given up on trying. Now I know that no matter what I do, there will only be you, even if that's only in my dreams. Good bye Brian, and know that no matter where you go, or what you do, I will always love you. Love Always Ash Lee Carter." Kevin put the piece of paper down and took a seat without saying another word.
"When I got the letter I just had to get away from everything for a while, I never knew. I had hoped that he had cared for me at those times, but to know that this was what he was thinking. He always seemed so cold and under control, and he never let anything out that could hurt him. I knew that he loved me, and I loved him more than anything else in this world. Only he asked that I try to move on, and I fucked up and did, only now I know that I haven't come as far as I thought. Jerry makes me smile and laugh, and I can honestly say that I love him. Yet I don't love him anywhere near as much as I love Ash, he's everything to me. For a short amount of time I thought that I could move on and be happy with Jerry, that was until I got this letter. When I started reading, I couldn't stop, and my heart ached like never before. All this time that I've been with Jerry, and now I know that it was only something I had tricked my mind into believing. I should have known that no matter what I did, I would never get over Ash. Then to find out that those feelings are shared, it changes everything that I've been thinking. AJ, I know that you have feelings for Ash, and I thought that you would be the one to help him get over me. I had kind of hoped that you would, then I could go on pretending and ignoring this feeling in my heart. There aren't enough words for me to tell you how sorry I am that you don't have his heart."
"You deserve it more than I will ever, I betrayed him, and you haven't in any way. When you realized that you loved him you did everything in your power to help him. Even if it meant losing him, that's real love and I don't think I could have ever have been man enough to do that. I love him more than air itself, and I want him to be happy, but I can't see him without seeing myself by his side. Because I know that no matter what happens in my life I will never stop needing him, loving him, that for as long as I exist my heart will be his. I've tired so hard to give that to Jerry, and show him how great he is and how much he's helped me. Only I know in my heart that I could never come close to loving him like I love Ash." Brian stopped and shook his head letting tears fall from his heartfelt confession. AJ stood up and looked at Brain, he moved toward the door then stopped and turned.
"You're right, you don't deserve him, and I don't think you ever did, he's no angel, he's no saint, but he didn't deserve to be hurt like you hurt him. You were there for him when he was in a coma, something a lot of men wouldn't have done. I give you a lot of credit for that, but what happened when he woke up. Did you think that it would be like some fairy tale and he would be the same person? No, Brian people don't recover that quickly and you should have known that and accepted it, and waited. You should have been at his side whenever you could, only you weren't you stayed away. He kept believing the lies you were feeding him, and he kept waiting. Then when you finally decide to grace him with your presence, it wasn't to help him, it was to leave him because you couldn't deal with him being in a wheel chair. Only you weren't honest about it, you took him out to dinner and ripped his world apart. I know you were only being honest about his condition, but you should have been a little more honest when you got there and told him the real reason for Leigh's presence. Lying doesn't suit you Brian, and you suck at it, it's probably why he confronted you in the hospital. You've made so many mistakes but the biggest was listening to Ash at the hospital that day and giving up. What was worse was hurting him again at the after party for his show. You drove him away from all of us, you should have realized what you realized today, but you should have seen it before it was to late."
"Do you have any idea what I would give to have his love, to wake up next to him. If the devil showed up today and offered me one day by his side, and one night in his arms, and one morning to wake up to his smile, I would give my soul instantly. Just for twenty-four hours of his love, not a week, not a month, not a life time, just full twenty-four hours. You had the power to have his love for a lifetime, and you screwed it up because you didn't want to be with someone in a wheel chair. Then when he was no longer dependent on that wheel chair you still didn't try to win him back. He tried to win you back, and again you ripped his heart apart without so much as a sorry. Now that you've gotten a letter, now you see that he's the only one for you, you're pathetic Brian. Only now I think it's to late, he's out of your reach, and none of us know if he'll ever come back. So maybe now you'll know what it's like to be in his shoes, but that's only if you don't start lying to yourself again. Then again, we'll have to wait and see if you have the guts to break up with Jerry, I don't think you can do it. At least not without someone's help, I think that's why you wanted this meeting, so you would have us behind you. Only I don't think I'll ever support you again, you're on your own as far as I'm concerned." AJ left the room at the point leaving everyone in awe and confusion. Brian looked like he was about to craw in a corner and die.
That was the start of what would become the hardest year for our group, we would survive but only by the skin of our teeth. AJ and Brian stayed as far apart as they could from one another. They never spoke with one another, and if they could help it they wouldn't look at one another. Brian did break up with Jerry a few weeks after the meeting and he had done it alone. Jerry and Brian still remained friends, since Jerry had known that this would happen at some point. He had surprised everyone by handling it the way he had, with grace and understanding. I was well on my way to turning twenty-four and the post cards had started coming further and further apart. AJ was distancing himself from everyone but Howie and myself. Only I knew that something more was happening in his mind and it scared the living hell out of me. He had been spending a lot of time alone writing songs that didn't involve the rest of the group. I knew that he was thinking about leaving the group, and we wouldn't be the Backstreet Boys anymore if he did. Only I didn't know anything that could keep him with us, or change his mind, all I had to offer was myself. It was high time that I told him how I felt, at least then he would leave knowing that I loved him. That I had loved him for longer than I had thought I could love anyone.
Only I didn't really know how to tell him, I had thought about writing a letter only I didn't like the idea all that much. Then there was telling him on the phone, but I didn't know what I would do if we got disconnected, or if I could summon up the courage to tell him after that happened. So the only thing I could really do was tell him how much I cared about him was face to face. Still there was fear, and a great amount of doubt since I knew he loved my brother. I wasn't a fool, I knew that most likely he would tell me that we couldn't be anything more than friends. That was ok with me, I just wanted him to know that I loved him, even if it wasn't returned. I just had to tell him before I lost the chance forever, which I felt was coming all to soon. He just had this look in his eyes that said he didn't care about this like he use to. That the band was falling apart and there was nothing he was willing to do to fix it. So when we got a little time off I asked him to meet me for dinner one night. He agreed after about twenty minutes of thinking about it, I guess he had thought I was trying to set something up. When the night finally came we met at a place we knew we would have privacy. He was a little surprised that I was alone, but then I had expected that.
"I wanted us to have some time to just talk, and I really need to tell you something that's been on my mind for a really long time." AJ looked a little concerned so he took a seat across from me and rested his chin on his hands.
"I know that you don't feel the same, and that's ok I just had to tell you, I thought this would be a little easier once I got started, looks like I was wrong." I looked at him and rubbed my forehead lightly before trying to summon the strength to get the next few words past my lips. It couldn't be all that hard, I mean everyone knew how to say I love you, so why was this so damn hard?
"For the longest time I've wanted to tell you that I loved you more than just a friend. Now I know that you love Ash and you could never see a me and you, but I had to tell you. You see I use to have these dreams in which I would be at your side, and we would be happy together. We were in love in these dreams, and I could see spending my whole life with you, and waking every morning in your arms. I don't know why it took me so long to tell you, well that's a lie, in truth I was scared to death. Here I'm having these wonderful dreams when I know they're just dreams. That you could never love me because I'm not what you dream about. You dream about my brother, and it makes me a little jealous, but I understand why. I just had to tell you that I loved you, and that no matter where you go or what you do that I'll always love you. That being your friend is enough for me if you never want to take it any further. Yet I'm kind of hoping that someday you'll want to take it further, ok I think I'm done now, maybe I should go craw in a hole." AJ's eyes had gotten a little wide and his mouth had parted slightly like he was confused.
"That's a lot to tell someone Nick, and I don't really know how to reply to it. I mean I love you, but I've always thought of you more as a little brother, it never crossed my mind that there could be more. Still it's a lot to think about, and I do love your brother, so right now all I can offer you is friendship. Only now I have some things that I need to think about, this changes a lot of things Nicky. Not that it'll change our friendship since you made that perfectly clear, we're best friends till the end man. It's just that I need to try and think about you in a not brotherly way and see where that gets me. On top of that I have to make sure that if I do have feelings for you it's not because you look like Ash. It wouldn't be fair for me to trick myself into believing that I cared for you when I really love Ash. So until I can think this through, we'll just see where this new information takes us ok?" I nodded since he had given me more than I had hoped for, at least now he could think about it. That and he said that no matter what happened we would still be friends, that meant a great deal to me. Now all I needed was for Ash to come home and fix everything so I could have a chance with AJ. Something told me that if he didn't return soon something was going to happen and no one would be able to fix it.
*****Ash
I had spent so much time traveling that I had lost all sense of time, and still it didn't help. My world was like a place filled with darkness and nothing to really look forward to, all because my heart refused to let my love for Brian die. All this time I had spent trying to repair my heart and the realization that he and I were done. I didn't know how to deal with this last nail in my coffin, it was just to much to think about. Still that didn't mean I could continue on the path that I was taking, I would be dead if I did so. I didn't eat much anymore and I traveled by foot when I could. My business was doing great since I had continued to send drawings in. If it wasn't then I wouldn't have been able to continue my running for as long as I had. Still it was finally time that I went home and tried to find a way to regain some kind of normal life. I was now twenty-four and it had been a very long time since I had seen anyone that I really knew. To be honest I was starting to miss my friends and family back home in the states. Only I didn't really want to go back, because going back meant facing the world again. I would have to answer questions and so many things would happen. If I went back I would have to face the truth that I had lost Brian forever, and I would have to see him with Jerry. The letter I had sent him had said everything, well almost everything that I should have told him so long ago. It was all I had known to do, at least then he would know that I would love him forever.
Even if he never saw me again, it had crossed my mind so many times, only I couldn't find the strength to do it. No one would have stopped me, no one really knew where I was since I only sent post cards when I was about to leave. Then again it had been a long time since I had even done that, but I knew that Brenda could find me if she wanted. It was within her power, many things were within her power. Only I didn't want her to find me, I wasn't a child anymore and it was high time that I started acting like an adult. So I got on a plane heading for the states where I would first visit my mom. I know that she had to be worried about me, then again I could have missed more than I even knew. For all I knew I could be walking into a place that no longer existed for me. I could only hope that nothing had happened to anyone while I was out on my little trip. When the plane landed in Florida I collected my bags and got a cab home. My stomach was doing back flips and my heart was twisted in knots. So much had changed since I had last been here, nothing looked like it use to. Finally the cab reached my moms, and she didn't even know I was coming. I could only hope that she was home, and alive for that matter, but hope was all I had right now. I paid the cabbie and slowly stepped out making sure to set my cane on the ground to help me stand. My joints had started messing up a little since I had left, maybe I would regain come movement now that I was home.
I made my way to the door and knocked lightly, Aaron answered the door and looked up at me. He pinched himself lightly then wrapped his arms around me, he had gotten so big since I had last seen him.
"I didn't think I would ever see you again, oh man am I glad you're here, so much has happened." I nodded slowly and let him lead me into the house, instantly I was sent back to the past.
"Honey who was at the door, Ash, oh I'm so happy to see you, it's been so long, and you've missed so much." My mom wrapped me in her arms, she pulled away slightly and looked at me, she looked so sad.
To Be Continued ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Other stories that I've written: Falling, The Sryin, The Lost, Broken, It's A Wonderful Life, Gemini, Ghost, Where You Are, Libra, Simple Twist Of Fate, Angelic, and The Last Kiss Good Night