Don't Dig Me Any Deeper
A novel by lopez sands January 1998
EXPLORING HOME:
On my drive back into the city, U-haul attached, boxes packed, it just seems all to be unreal, coming home again. Coming back to Chicago, in March, one of the coldest months of March I can ever remember. The city seems to be stuck under a thousand blankets of unwanted cold and plenty of snow. The people I passed, emerging from some awkward form of hibernation. I never thought I would ever be doing this, moving back to the city, which has taken so much from me. Chicago at one time was like a torturous dream that I thought would never end. The failures with my parents, the failures with love drove my mind into a cloudy haze. If I had not moved away, the downward spiral I was on would have sent me six feet under. Moving to Atlanta wasn't my brightest idea but it worked out well. I has been doing exactly what I wanted, writing, learning so much about myself, putting behind the misery of unacceptance and learning to love myself, something few people accomplish in a life time. Now all I could feel is a sense of lost, betrayal, and anger over so much.
I begin working free lance for various papers when I arrive in Atlanta over eleven years ago. After working my ass off around town, the Atlanta Constitutional finally gave me a break, eventually hiring me on full time. Now here I am returning to the windy city to try to begin my life all over again. I thought I would never have to return here. I never though I would have to start my life over. Sure I had my ups and downs but I was so happy. Aries make me so happy. No I don't set my happiness upon his back but he was an essential part of my life. A great part of my life has been taken away with a whisper, a sound and the sight of red. Maybe I coming back because; I have to run away. Maybe I wanted to put to rest the ghosts of my past, so that I could live with my present pain. Or maybe I was running away from the memories of the south into someplace that is familiar. Who knows, I sure don?t all I know is that things are just working out this way.
I met my heart in Atlanta. That's what I would remember most about that city and the fact it is now becoming a place where you could see so many beautiful black gay men, but they still are just as lost as any other black same gender loving man, in any other city. I remember the day I met Aries Kelly, it is so clear. For me, everyday seems like yesterday. Every memory of him seems to just have happened. It is like a constant replay in my mind. The first day we met, I was working on a story about a serial killer, which has been targeting the black gay community of Atlanta. The national press has ignored it. I had a feeling that the black community was doing the same. I approached my future boss, Bill, at the Atlanta Constitutional about doing a free lance story of articles that explored death of so many young black men in the city. He says it was a waste of time. He told me young black men died in this city everyday, and he was right. This was nothing new but this particular string of deaths left a bad taste in my mouth. I felt it was worth a look. Luckily, after several conversations and a look at my previous work, Bill, thought I was worth a few of weeks of investigating.
I wanted to talk to some of the leaders in the community, so I called one of the service centers; I arranged to do an interview with Aries. He worked for one of the gay men health projects, UNITY, which is in the heart of the city. When I saw him, I know that I was in trouble. He wasn't the ebony poster boy but his smile did something to the inside of me. It stole something from me. He was the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. He is just so, so. Words can hardly describe him, but I guess they'll do. Tall, looking up at him from my five ten frame, I almost forgot why I was there. Slender, not skinny but toned baldheaded and all. The graze of hair on his face was place every so nicely, chiseled jaw, perfectly intertwined with his full lips. He has on shades the first time I saw him. I remember wondering what his eyes look like. Upon seeing his thin eyes when he removed those sunglasses, that widens when he smiled or laughed, my heart almost stopped. A deep shade of brown that made me thinks I was a goner from the very beginning. It is a face that you might see many times but every time you look at it again, you would discover something new, something fascinating, and something memorable. He has such a sexy sultry laugh, which echoed throughout the room, and into my soul.
After we finished our interview I thought that would be the last time I saw him but a few days later, when the first article comes out, he called me at the office and asked me if he could buy me dinner, to thank me for the interview. I tried to get out of going, even though I wanted so badly to have dinner with him. He frightened me. Somewhere inside my soul, I knew that the person God planned for me rested in his body. Of course he wouldn't take no for an answer, but then I never did quite say no. I don't think I ever could. He made me laugh and I hadn't done that in so very long. I was always so damn serious. All I have done since I arrive in Atlanta is throw myself into work, trying to prove to myself I have what it took but most of all trying to disapprove my father, when he says my life would a mount to nothing. I have been in Atlanta almost a year and my only friends are my VCR and my CD player. With friends like Lena and Billie to keep you company, you hardly noticed that you're spending cold days at work and even colder and lonelier nights alone in bed. My fridge was filled with carrots, crackers, and two bottles of red wine, some pancake mix, syrup and three week old sour milk. And my life was filled with even less. You can take your work to bed but it still doesn't keep you warm. Until Aries I just pretended that it was enough to satisfy me. In college I spent so much time in pursuit of warm bodies that, I decided to figure out for myself who I was. Until I realized who that was, I don't think I was any good for anyone else.
At dinner we talked and he told me about growing up in Atlanta and I told him about Chicago, and how I spent years trying to please my parents. Our lives haven?t been that different. Well at least it wasn't that different in the early years. Aries was never afraid of looking for love, I, on the other hand, thought love was just some sad excuse make up by greeting card companies to get paid. Maybe I always believed that I wasn't really capable of loving anyone. Aries was like an open book. At that time, I could never be that way. It's not that I was ever afraid of who I found inside me, no, I never hide that, that's what cost me my relationship with my parents. I am a very private person. I learned the only way to protect yourself, was if you keep your heart locked away, securely. Aries on the other hand, loved the search because "it?s the journey", he use to say, "that makes love worth keeping." I still wasn't buying his little speech and the more he tugged at my heart that night, the more I pulled away. He looked in my eyes and says,
"What good is a heart if it's alone"? I was hooked and for almost ten years, we are inseparable. He's gone now, and I need to get away. I need a change. My heart has been smashed into a million little pieces and each piece just reminded me of the good times. So I?m coming home again. When people tell you can never go home again, it's not the place they are referring to, it's the feelings.
As I drove up to my apartment, my brother Michael sits on the porch, waiting for me. He looks up when he sees the car tires stop. Michael smiles. He was still the egghead he has always been. He has always supported me in every aspect of my life. The look in his eyes makes this a lot easier. They still carried those pouches underneath them and when he smiles he has those wrinkles right above his nose and around his mouth. His chin jostled out which such force, highlighting his strength. I am so happy to see him. He never lets me down. He is my protector. He stills stands taller then the heavens, at least to me. He has never been too hung up on his body, probably because no matter what he ate, it never makes him any less attractive. I on the other hand, have to use the gym on regular bases. No, Michael was never a small boy. He just happens to be part of the lucky selection of people who managed a gym body without the gym. Michael is thick and firm. He has no stomach but lots of tone. He has a larger head then anyone else in our family. He looks like my father when he was a boy. From that oversized nose, to that large forehead that is hidden mostly in part, because of the hair he still maintained. Michael walks up to me, I could see his breath as he make his way closer, his oversized black Parker covers his shivering body.
"Well it?s about damn time you showed up, I thought you got lost," he says.
Michael it's good to see you too.
"I'm sorry I can?t get to Aries funeral"
I know you would have if you could.
"Well, yeah. Listen Kim and I fixed the place up with the things you shipped"
How is that beautiful wife of yours?
"Just fine, she's just fine." Michael married a fine lady and it is the last time I have seen my parents. I wanted to ask him how they are but those damn pride swells up too quick for me to allow myself to even question how they are. As Michael and I enter the townhouse, I look around at the wonderful job, I'm sure Kim did alone. It feels good to be at home, or at least a place that looks familiar. I walk around, as if I am in a stranger's apartment and he just happen to can similar taste. The painting over the fireplace, two African soldiers, holding each other up in battle, Aries has brought for me on our first anniversary. Tears begin to drip slowly from my eyes, before I can even wipe them away, Michael sees them. He doesn't say a word, he just reaches his arms around me and holds me closely to him, and this is the first time that I feel safe enough to break down, to cry. I weep.
When I wake up it is eleven at night and I check to make sure all the doors are locked and then I begin to unpack and put away a few things and move some things around. I put on some Nina Simone and pour myself a glass of red wine and walk around the house. I pull out the photo album of what seem to be someone else life. It is hard to imagine living without Aries. It has been one year three months and four days since his death but time hasn't been my friend; it has only kept me in a vacuum of sadness. The house is still, so quiet and the voice of Nina can't change that. A person never understands emptiness, until your life is filled with hopes dreams and love, and then it's all taken a way from you. Then emptiness feels so heavy that all the strength you have can never ever lift the loneliness off of your chest. No one can understand that. I once heard someone say that it's harder to see a person you love and know you can never be with them, and then it is to know, you can never see them because at least you realize it isn't their choice. No, it's definitely harder to know that you can never hear their voice, you can never fell their touch or feel your heart come alive when they smile. To realize that love will never be waiting for you at home after the world has beaten you up, no that is the worst sadness of all because it's one you can never change. Even in sleep I can't escape my emptiness.
Kim and Michael stop by the next morning waking me from my sleep. Here I am on the couch holding this picture of Aries, when Kim shakes me and tells me to get my ass up and give her some love. She is so sweet. My brother has kisses a lot of women to find her. He always says he would know when he can found the one and I guess Kim is the one. She stands smiling at me from her five foot five frame, dressed in a plain white dress that buttons down the front. She has the knack for making the simplest outfit look like it has been make by the hottest designer. Her bug eyes are lit with love, her nose and mouth matching her frame in size and beauty. She isn't the type of beauty that has been a magazine favorite but in ways she is even more beautiful. Her hair dreaded but in a ponytail with her black strapped sandals attached to her legs that seem longer then they actually are. Even the dark patch that covers her knees only adds to her appeal. When I first met Kim on their wedding day, what caught my attention most, are her hands, they are so neat. Her fingers long and her nails fell just an inch from her the tips of her fingers. Kim is a lady. There I stand, not really knowing her but somehow I know her well, I feel her. This is the woman that I use to talk to for hours over the phone. Avoiding coming to Chicago unless it is absolutely necessary, like their wedding, we developed our relationship, through the telephone, Christmas cards and pictures.
They eventually make a couple of trips to Atlanta, to get to know Aries. I think Michael has his doubts about Aries but Kim was always his biggest supporter. Michael felt Aries high profile life put me in jeopardy, even though he knew I wasn't hiding a thing. Kim told him she thought we worked. She even joked that if Aries straight, I would have some competition. Michael comes around, neither one of them ever told me what changed his mind. It was on one of their visits, they go to store together, and Michael insisted that Kim and I stay behind. We sit there for about two hours worried that Michael would say something insensitive or just down right cruel and Aries would take offense and they are now in a jail somewhere because they?ve been fighting in public. Maybe that's why I loved Aries, he was in so many ways like Michael, strong will, stubborn and yet he was so kind hearted that it was at times a fault. When they return, they are laughing and acting like old friends. All Michael would say was that he thought Aries was a great guy.
Now here I am looking at my sister-in-law. They are here to take me to breakfast and I go. I have no choice really. We drive over to IHOP in Hyde Park to eat. She tells me all about her new job with the city. She is the coordinator of the education task force with the city. She is so proud. She and Michael are thinking of having their first child but I think she is pregnant, they are shocked at that. Maybe it was a dream but I am so sure I have been told that.
"I told mom and dad, you are moving back home," Michael says. This kind of kills the good vibes and memories.
What did they say? He is speechless; it says more then anything he could can possibly imagined saying to me. It don?t matter, I never expected a celebration. No on the contrary, I expected them to act the way they have for years, as if I don?t exist. That's all right, I tell him.
"Well, on to brighter things," Kim interrupts, "We invited a few people over tonight, a sort of welcome home get together"
I'm really not in the mood...
"...Nothing major, just a few friends," she says. So we sit at the table, eating our pancakes, and joke about things in our lives and ever time Aries name would come up the silence would over take us. They never want to say the wrong thing but I think by not saying it, it only makes it feel much worst. I want to remember Aries. I want to remember the love we shared. The family we built. He is, as much a part of my soul as anything and that would never change. I can not forget him but I know he would only wish me complete happiness and I will be happy, and I will live because as long as I live, he lives. If I gave up now, it would let that bastard who took away him from me win, but he could never take what we shared. He could never take away our heart.
After I shower, I turn on the radio and begin to listen as GCI play the same old bland, top forty music. This town has many things but a decent radio station is not one of them. I can't stand to listen to this crap anymore. If I listen to another Mary J. Blige song, especially a remake of some classic song, that she now is destroying, I would throw my radio out of the window. I flip on my CD player and slide in a Maxwell's latest CD and begin to dance and groove to the beat. The last time I danced in my apartment was with Aries; it was with Maxwell serenading us.
There I am in his arms, letting the music carry me, not a care in the world. If it's cool, we could do a little something, something, Maxwell sings, as I look up into his eyes and he leans down to kiss me. I am so frighten at what I know is about to happen. Our lips connect and lit our souls like two thousand pounds of dynamite, exploding with every flicker of our tongues.
"Gabriel", he whispers, "I love you? Everything inside of me ached. Every ounce of my flesh comes alive as his hands found parts of my body alive and breathing on their own. His touch makes me so aware of myself. I don't think I have ever been that aware of anything that really mattered before that moment. As I look in his eyes and saw what lit the universe, I kiss him. Our lips seem to be stuck together. It is an enchanting moment. The music is calling me into him and I could not refuse the request he make ever so forcefully with his tongue.
All right, maybe it was not that neat and that poetic, but I haven't felt anything like it since or even comes close before. I finish dressing and go down stairs to wait for Michael to pick me up. I told him I would drive but he insisted on picking me up. He doesn?t want me to drink and drive. When my doorbell finally rings, he is thirty minutes late. I swing open the door, about to tell him about the meaning of being on time.
You're late, I say.
"Sorry", says this voice with a smile on his face. It sure in the hell isn't my brother,
"You don't remember me?" The smile asked.
Of course I do, Simon, Simon Bennett. How are you?
"The question is how you are?"
I'm fine. I give him a hug and stand back to look at him once again. Simon took my breath away the first time I saw him and maturity has done well by him. He still has that glitter in his hazel eyes, I wrote my first piece of poetry about him, at fourteen. He didn?t know I was alive. I was just his best friends little brother.
"I've missed you"; he says reaching out and touching my face.
No, because if you have, there is this invention called a telephone.
"I see you still have your wit" I see you still have that firm ass, that's what I want to say but I think I mumble, yeah well. Oh something as silly as that. This smooth, yellow angel has been my first, not that at the time it is more then anything but sex to him. He still has his little side dishes of women and I was just his extra dessert. I don't think he ever know that I know. Soon I learned you have to deny yourself some guilty sweet pleasure, no matter how good they are because they could cause tooth decay. I never told my brother about him because I never wanted to do anything to ruin their friendship. Who am I kidding; I just don?t want my brother to interfere. After it ended, a part of me was relieved, more of me was angry as hell. I was tired of being his dirty little secret.
"You ready to go?"
Sure, just let me get my keys, I say smiling, picking up my keys and closing the door behind me.
On the drive over we talk about nothing really. It is as if we are both trying to avoid any mention of what happen between us. We talk about Atlanta, about Chicago, past childhood memories. But our lives seem to be off base. He asks me about Aries and I tell him all I can. Simon Bennett, my first cup of coffee with lots of cream and sweet as hell, he could still keep me awake. Even now, his hazel eyes have the same glimmer in them. The way his short hair comes to a point at the front of his forehead and his ears just slightly pushed out from the side of his head. The way the nape of his neck continued down into his rounded chest, attaching to it some of the thickest arms toned and bronzed by nature. Every time he looks over at me and smile or laugh at something I say, in that deep voice of his, which rolls as smoothly as thunder does on the stormy nights, yet it somehow manages to soothe you, I feel myself rumble inside. From the beginning this man holds me captive. The way he bites on his big luscious lower lip when he talks. I always thought this is one of his more sexy moves. Then I learned that he did this when he wants to say something.
What's on your mind?
"Nothing, why do you ask?"
You're biting your lip.
"I guess I should tell you, Michael knows about what happen between us."
When did you tell him?
"About four years ago, I was drinking and it sort of just spilled out."
You can do better then that, nothing-just spill out.
"I guess I always felt like I somehow did you wrong."
I wasn't a child.
"You are fourteen."
And you are sixteen, what's your point?
"I just want you to know it did mean something to me, I just wasn't sure what."
Well that's good to know. We're here; I say this with the intent of cutting off this line of conversation. I wasn't sure I want to know what it meant to him. I have in my mind what it meant and this has given me some token of peace. I don't want to disturb that.
As we enter the room with so many unfamiliar faces, I feel myself wanting to grab a hold of Simon and let him guide me through the maze of faces and smiles but I keep thinking, which one is his wife. Michael called me not long after I can moved to Atlanta to tell me that he was marrying some girl from the neighborhood but I can?t recall her during our conversation and frankly I don?t given a damn anyway. I walk in front of Simon, ever now and again; I look back to make sure he is still behind. He is. I walk and people speak but I can't place faces and when I do, I can't place a name with it. It is a lifetime since I bothered to think about this life. It is as if I belonged to some alien species that has taken over my body as a youth and only now decided to return it to me so that I might feel all the pain and experience none of the joy it received. I spot Kim over by the table putting out more food. The quicker she puts it out the faster they gather around her to devour it. She turns and spots me and stretches out her arms to greet me and we embrace. She is dressed in a long black dress that clings to her delicate body with such ferocity. She is beautiful. Her hair dangles in dreads behind her and she appears the elegant hostess.
The rest of the night I walk through the crowd, reintroducing myself to the people from my past. I avoid Simon as much as I can; he would stop to ask me how I am doing, which I would reply fine and trot off to someone else. The music plays from the stereo in full force. Oldies fill the room and the room seems to go with the tunes. It is if it is guiding their bodies with intensity. The music seems to become a force that is guiding not only their bodies but their souls as well. You could see the reactions in their eyes and in their nonverbal language. The slight touches, the closeness that seems to draw each person close to someone. Soon the room begins to empty off and the only thing is left are a few couples. I see Simon sipping on a drink standing alone against the wall. I make my way to the back porch.
The wind is blowing lightly. Heavy enough that it takes me a few tries to light my cigarette. As I begin to puff on it, Michael comes out the house. I hand him a cigarette; he lights it and begins to puff off it. We stand there in deep silence saying so much without saying a word. The wind caresses our skin and the moonlight embraces us as like it would do when we are younger, looking out of our bedroom windows. Finally I turn to him.
So you know.
"Know what?"
About Simon?
"About you and Simon, yeah, it's cool."
Why don?t you tell me, when he told you?
"Why don?t you tell me?' To this I have no answer. I just smile.
"I was going to but he made me promise not to" I laugh and he laughs.
"I always thought something was happening between the two of you and the night he signed his divorce papers he told me, I wasn't shocked just surprised a little"
He's divorced?
"Four years, now."
Any children?
"Yeah, he has the cutest little boy."
Is that why you sent him to pick me up?
"Now would I be that damn obvious."
Well, yes. Michael has a lot of strong suits but being sly when he thought he is doing something he believes is in my best interest well that is when he is not good a subtleties. As we begin to talk, I can't help but to notice how happy my brother is. It is something in his tone. Something in the way he talks about Kim. Something that was not there when I have seen him with other women before her, something I never noticed in him before. He is fulfilled.
As we take the last tokes off of our smokes, Simon comes on the porch and stands over us, smiling, holding two drinks. He hands me one and he begins to sip on the other one. Michael makes his way back into the house and Simon takes his place on the steps beside me. We begin to talk; he tells me about his marriage and his divorce and shows me a couple of pictures of his little boy. I feel his arms go around me, we sit in silence. As silent as it could get, the wind seems to form music. It is harshly soft and brutally beautiful. It begins to caress my skin and engulf my body with its kisses. Then it stops and I look at Simon, his arms overwhelming me. I can scarcely bear the knowledge of knowing that I want to make love with this man. I am betraying Aries, at least I feel like it. Everything inside of me tells me to break away but it has been so long since I felt another person's arms around me. I avoided all human contact after Aries has been taken away. Part of it is I am scared to get too close to anyone but the other side part was I was so damn angry. I was angry at the world, angry with love, angry with men and definitely angry with God. I realize I can't run forever. Maybe this is good, starting with the first, starting with where it has began. Simon seems to want me. Every time he looks at me, I see it all in his eyes. It seems as if he has been waiting for this chance for a long time. His eyes speak of it, they speak of history, and they speak of lost opportunity but most of all they speak to me. I lean my head into his chest and I awoke.