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No, No, No
Fall 2019
Mark and Dan stood in front of the Mill House.
"No, No, No. Mark, we don't have to do this. We have options. Don't be stupid."
"Dan, why are you saying "we"? I have to make decisions about my children. The choices are mine to make if I want to keep my children. I told you when we started dating that I would do anything and everything for them. I would deprive myself if needed so that they would be safe."
"Mark, you are too stirred up after the day in court. We are both exhausted. Let's talk about this later."
"There is nothing more to say. What don't you understand? Judge Woodward basically said I had to choose between you and my children. It was explicitly clear. Even I got it: the stupid one."
Dan felt like he had just been slapped.
"I didn't mean you were stupid. We love each other; we should not let the court decide what we do with our children."
"The last I knew they were my children. You say you love me, and I believe you, but you are making assumptions about me. In fact, you are making assumptions about us being a couple. Let me be clear: there is no longer an "us," there is only Mark and his children. There cannot be a Dan in that equation. An ocean and countries separate us. There are a judge and the courts who are separating us. I can no longer let you be in my life if I am to have my children. I am dying right now, and talking to you just makes it worse. I need you to leave. Good-bye, Dan."
At that point, Mark walked up the steps and away from the man he loved.
He went inside his house and closed the door to the world. He then went to his bedroom and slid down the wall as he cried. Dan was right, but he couldn't do what his boyfriend wanted. Hell, he had those very same thoughts earlier in the week and had ordered passports for his children. He had thought they could run away to Algiers. Mark realized that he deluded himself in believing that he could have a happy life. He had been childish. He was stupid, as Dan had said.
He hated that Judge Woodward had talked to him like he was a child. What did the Judge call him? A schoolboy. Mark balled his fist together and pushed them into his mouth to quieten his sobs so they wouldn't scare the children. He had found love, and once again, love had been ripped from him. What had he done to deserve this punishment? Just as his life was going well, he was being punished again. He was destined never to have happiness in his life again. He was in so much pain he knew he could easily kill himself except he didn't want to leave his children without a parent. They were the only reason he would fight to stay alive.
The dinner, after the day in court, had been a disaster. Evan Glynfell had excused himself, so it was Tom, Joe, Dan, the kids, and Mark in the restaurant. Mark kept evading the looks from Dan. He had even been rude when Thomas asked a question. Mark was overly attentive to his children and ignored the others at the table. He paid the bill, excused himself, and then he and the children left the restaurant. He walked the children home, one on either side. When they arrived back at the Mill House, there was a car in the driveway. Mark was startled and wondered who the fuck was there to bother him. Dan was standing outside the front door. Dan said he had rented a car because he didn't want to show up in court dressed in a suit that was sweaty after he had ridden his bicycle for twelve miles. "It must be nice to have so much money. Houses all over the world. Rental cars whenever you want them. Fancy restaurants. Taking days off work when you want. You get to do what you want, when you want. I don't have that luxury, Mr. Rich Doctor."
Dan told the children goodnight, said how much he loved them, and that he would see them soon. That was when he tried to have a conversation with Mark. He experienced complete mission failure. Mark was sad, angry, depressed, combative, and unable to hear anything Dan said. He acted as if all of the problems in the world were because of Dan.
Dan got into the rental car and drove to his apartment and hoped that by Sunday morning, he and Mark could have a reasoned conversation.
Mark heard knocking on his bedroom door, and Robert asked if he was okay. Mark pulled himself together enough to answer that he was fine and for them to go to bed. Belinda asked if they could come in, and Mark told her to go to bed. Again, Robert asked his daddy if he was okay, and Mark angrily screamed for them to go to bed. He then cried himself to sleep as he cowered in the corner of his room.
The next morning, at daybreak, he opened his bedroom door and couldn't walk out. His two children were in sleeping bags in front of the door. They looked like angels. He knelt down and quietly whispered that it was time to get up. He told them to get dressed because they were going hiking. He wanted to escape the house before daybreak. He quickly packed the truck, stopped at Hardee's for biscuits, juice, and coffee, and then drove west as the sun started shining in the rearview mirror. They arrived at the parking lot in the mountains, got out of the truck, and started the hike to the lake and waterfall. Mark walked in silence, and his children followed. No one spoke the entire hike. They arrived at the campsite, and Mark silently set up the tent. Robert and Belinda looked at their daddy, afraid to talk. They had never seen him like this. When Mark started to put on his swimsuit, they did the same. They followed him into the lake. There was no frivolity like the last time they were there. Robert held Belinda's hand as they waded through the water. Mark would look at them and not talk.
That night they ate some packaged protein bars for dinner before sitting at the edge of the lake looking at the stars. Neither child moved away from Mark; they didn't understand what was happening, but they knew he was not well as tears continued to run down his face. Mark was unhappy and afraid for his sanity. Finally, Belinda climbed into his lap and put her arms around his neck and told Mark how much she loved him. Robert tucked himself under Mark's arm and put his arms around his daddy's waist. Mark was still crying. It was after they made themselves completely vulnerable to him that Mark eventually started breathing regularly. There were no more loud sighs, no more huffs or puffs, no more pacing around the campsite. There was only love between the three of them.
As on their previous camping trip, the three slept tangled together in the tent. It was early Sunday morning when they awoke. Mark stirred up instant oatmeal for breakfast. It was awful, but neither child commented. Finally, Mark spoke.
"This is awful. How are the two of you eating this mess?" He then smiled. "Come on; we are out of here."
They hiked to the truck, Mark turned the key in the ignition, and they continued to head west. They crossed into Tennessee, and Mark pulled into the parking lot of Dollywood. The three enjoyed themselves with the wonders of the amusement park. It was late afternoon when Mark realized they had to return home and be ready for school and work the next day. They ate an early dinner at a fast-food restaurant, and then he turned the truck east across the Smokey Mountains. It would be a long drive home, but Mark had no choice. He had created this mess, and he had to resolve it. When he stopped at a rest area to drain his hose, he awoke Robert and Belinda so they could also use the facilities. They bought food from the vending machines, and then Mark continued to drive. The kids were asleep. The last fifty miles were excruciating for Mark because of his fatigue.
When they pulled up in front of Mill House, Mark noticed that all of the lights were on in the Yellow House. Mark stopped the truck, picked up Belinda to carry her inside. When he went back for Robert, Joe had arrived, picked Robert up, and was carrying him to his bed. Joe never said a word as he took Robert upstairs, tucked him into bed, and walked back downstairs. Mark was standing in the doorway. Joe got tears in his eyes when he looked at Mark.
"We love you and the children so much. We were so worried that something bad had happened. Please, never do that again. Thomas has been a wreck all day. I have paced since early this morning. Clay knew something was wrong because his friends were gone, and we couldn't tell him where you were. You left yesterday. You weren't in church this morning, and nobody knew where you were. You had your phone turned off. We were so scared for you. We love you, Mark, we love you. We are not the enemy. Please remember that Thomas and I love you and the children with all of our hearts."
Mark nodded his head and closed the door as Joe started walking back to his house. He was stunned that Joe and Thomas unconditionally loved him and the children. Sure, they said they did, but Mark had not considered their feelings when he took off. To see Joe so overwrought and hurting gave Mark pause. He realized that his father had never told him that he loved h 6yim. Mark had only known love with Linda and the love he shared with his children. He had a glimpse of true love with Dan. Both Linda and Dan were gone. The thought that Joe and Thomas considered him worthy of their unconditional love was a revelation. Mark grasped that he had a treasure in his life, unlike any that he had experienced growing up with his family, and he had to figure out a way to let their love fully into his heart.
Early Monday morning was chaos. For the first time since moving, Belinda wet her bed. Robert wet his bed also, which had never happened before. Mark decided it was because they were so tired when they got home that they didn't use the toilet. He refused to consciously consider the emotional toll on his children from his behavior, though deep down, he knew that to be the true reason. They all showered, dressed, and Mark dropped them off at school before heading to the university. He was faux happy and polite to everyone. Mark met with Mike and Ms. Jones and thanked them again for their assistance, especially the letter from the university, and Ms. Jones testifying in court. When asked about the judge's decision, Mark lied and said that he was waiting for the judge's final decision. He thanked them again and said he had a lot of work to do. He realized that lies came too easily to his lips these days. Mark stayed on the east campus all day, which put him far away from the Chapel, the hospital, and Dan.
He sent an email to the choir director claiming an out-of-state family emergency, which had prevented him from giving prior notice before missing the Sunday service.
At dinner, Mark inquired about the school day. There was no warmth in his voice; it was taciturn and inquiring. Belinda and Robert looked at each other. Finally, Robert spoke and said it was okay. Mark asked if they had finished their homework. They both nodded their heads. The three sat in the great room watching television until Mark told them it was their bedtime. He tucked them in, went downstairs and wrote them a note which he placed on the dining room table, and walked out of the front door.
He stood under the stars and let the tears flow. Finally, he turned to look at the house where his children were sleeping, and he walked away. Mark took a step toward the river and stopped himself. He, instead, started walking up the driveway. He got to the end of the driveway and once again turned to look at the house. A cold chill ran down his spine. To counter the bodily chill, Mark tightened his core and stood up straight. The shivering subsided as Mark held his body rigid in the cold night air. He knew he was the liar. He had lied to himself thinking he could solve this dilemma. He was just a fucking, worthless liar. He wasn't worthy to have his wonderful children and their love. He wasn't worthy of the love from Dan. He wasn't worthy to be standing on the street looking at the house where he thought he had found love and peace. He knew what he had to do to relieve the pain. He kept walking. He knocked on the door of the Yellow House. When Thomas opened the door, he saw a man standing outside, crying, and broken.
"Help me, please."
Thomas pulled Mark into a hug, grabbed the Voodoo and Dammit Dolls, and walked him to the breakfast room. He poured Mark a slug of whisky and told him to knock it back. Mark finally chuckled and said they had the same conversation a few weeks before. He said he felt like a completely unworthy man. Thomas said he saw a smart man who knew that life's burdens were not to be borne alone. Thomas stood, reached out and pulled Mark to his feet, and then hugged him. Mark felt the pain draining away as his tears flowed down his face. Thomas refused to release his hold on the man even when Mark tried to back away. It was only when Mark totally surrendered himself to the hug, and Thomas felt Mark's body's shudder in relief that Thomas stepped back. Joe came downstairs after getting Clay settled for the night. He wasn't surprised to see Thomas holding Mark and hoped that something good could come from him being there.
Thomas poured drinks, and they went to the parlor. Mark started by telling them that he loved them, apologized for his actions, and then asked what he should do. Joe said they would address each item separately. Thomas talked about the dynamics and power of love and that we all deserved love in our lives. Joe thanked Mark for the apology and said all was forgiven. Joe was a planning expert and suggested they developed a plan for the next thirty days. Joe laid out an impersonal graphic representation of tasks to be completed. Mark understood the layout. He was an administrator and knew how to tick off boxes on a spreadsheet. After finishing his drink, Mark thanked the men and said he needed to go home.
When he opened the door of the Mill House, he saw his two children sitting at the dining room table reading the note. Belinda was about to speak when Robert put his hand over hers and simply said, "Welcome home, dad. Thank you for leaving us a note." At that point, Robert led Belinda upstairs. Mark went to bed. When he opened his bedroom door in the morning, his children were in their sleeping bags blocking his passageway.
His breath caught at the sight of his children lying there. They loved him and were trying to protect him. He shook their shoulders and told them it was time for breakfast. While they were eating their Captain Crunch, Mark said he was now okay, and they didn't have to sleep outside his door. Robert gave Belinda a look; they smiled and said they were glad that he was okay.
After checking in with his boss and suppliers, Mark closed his office door and called Milley Tilley. He was polite and asked what specific things she and the Judge wanted to know. Mark was good at creating measurable goals and helped Ms. Tilley reframe some of the amorphous ideas into measurable goals. He wanted to take the spreadsheet into court so he could show the Judge that he had met every expectation. When they finished, Mark asked Ms. Tilley if he could add supplementary measures to the spreadsheet. She was caught off-guard and asked him to explain what he meant. Mark provided a list of measures. She was taken aback at what he was proposing but then readily agreed. She chuckled to herself that she needed him when she was setting up goals with families. Mark knew how to measure what was important. After they finished the meeting, Mark hit the send button, and the list was on the way to Ms. Tilley. Each time they talked, Mark planned to pull out the spreadsheet and review each item. He expected to have a spreadsheet of checkmarks.
Mark created a spreadsheet for his life that covered the next thirty days. He wanted to be able to say what happened when. The list included everything except the time and quantity of his bowel movements. Mark even wrote out weekly menus in case questions were raised about whether the kids had proper nutrition. His level of detail equaled the schematics he used with his construction projects. That afternoon, he had class and marked that off on his spreadsheet. He noted the time he got out of class and his arrival time at home. After reviewing the children's homework, he noted that on the sheet. Bath time, checkmark, bed, checkmark. Everything was there, and he would dare anyone to question its veracity.
When Mark awoke the next morning, he opened the bedroom door and was confronted by Robert asleep in a quilt spread across the threshold. At breakfast, he didn't have much patience when he told Robert not to sleep at his door again. The next morning, Belinda was curled up in a sleeping bag at the threshold. Mark realized that he needed help. He didn't know who to call, so he fell back to the medical resources in Chapel Hill that were helping the family with Belinda's transition. Mark set up an appointment.
Dr. Robinson was taken by surprise when Mark broke down and told them how he was struggling. The doctor was qualified to work with transitioning families, but this was something completely different. Mark was triaged to another psychiatrist who saw him immediately. He was pleased that the doctor would see him off-hours. A series of appointments were established. Mark pulled up the spreadsheet on his tablet and entered the days and times. The psychiatrist just looked at him when Mark smiled and said he had everything entered. His behavior was about checking the boxes of the activities in his life.
That afternoon, Ms. Tilley called for a semi-weekly check-in. When she asked Mark how things were going, Mark told her that things were great, and then he directed her to the spreadsheet. He was all business as they reviewed each measure. She heard no joy in his voice. Checking the boxes was all he could conceptualize as being important.
Mark went to choir rehearsal on Wednesday night, fearful that he might see Dan. He was relieved when Dan wasn't present. Mark swore he already had an ulcer because of the knot in his stomach. Seeing Dan would probably have made him throw up.
On Thursday morning, he knew that a family meeting was necessary. Robert was sleeping in the doorway again. He didn't say anything about that as they ate breakfast, and he took them to school. His workdays were filled with meetings, inspections, and supervising site managers. He pushed and prodded them to ensure everything was completed on time. He wasn't hostile to them, but the joyous boss they had experienced earlier had disappeared. Mike met with him and asked if everything was okay. Mark showed Mike spreadsheets for the various projects and showed him that everything was either on time or ahead of schedule. It was all very business-like without a hint of emotion. Mark was the consummate project manager, except his responses lacked any warmth or humanity.
Saturday finally arrived, and Mark told the children they had yard work to finish. There was no time for a fun trip. They cleaned flower beds, put out mums in planters, and prepared the yard for winter. He was a workhorse and probably overworked the children that day. They were tired as they finished their dinner of cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, chickpeas, and grilled chicken on fried flatbread. Mark had cooked some rice and beans as an accompaniment. Dan had prepared that meal for them one day at the beach, but Dan had also made a delicious sauce that Mark didn't know how to make. When the kids asked about ice cream, he took them out for gelato. He didn't order any for himself but rather drank a glass of water.
Sunday was going to be a test. Mark arrived on time for choir rehearsal. When he looked over, he saw Dan sitting in the tenor section. Fuck. Why was he here? Wasn't he Jewish? Why was he singing in a Christian service? Fuck. Mark was on high alert and able to avoid contact with Dan until the end of the service. Dan was speaking to Belinda and the Dean. Mark stood to the side and waited for a break in the conversation, and he called over and told Belinda it was time to go. Mark had a laser focus that only looked at Belinda. He ignored the Dean and Dan.
Such was his life for the ensuing weeks. He lived by the schedule he had created. The children still slept on the floor outside his door each night, and he stopped talking about it. He spoke with Ms. Tilley twice a week. He invited her to see his home, not understanding that the well-disciplined order he had created in their world was antithetical to the warm, loving home she had witnessed before. Her interviews with the children were stilted as if they had rehearsed the responses. They did not stand in the river to talk. For their final meeting before the court hearing, Mark took Robert and Belinda to Ms. Tilley's office. She was sad to see the children safe and secure but obviously unhappy with their new world order.
Robert and Belinda also met with Judge Woodward. Mark had coached them for the interview; Mark had even told them the outcome if they failed. The children were scared. The Judge, however, was impressed with their answers. The kids responded the way that Mark had coached them. Ms. Tilley showed Judge Woodward the spreadsheet that Mark had developed. The Judge joked and suggested they should hire Mark to produce their annual reports. Every box was checked and double-checked.
The court hearing was pro-forma. Mark knew the results before he and Evan Glynfell stepped into the courtroom that day. The Judge saw a reformed man who knew how to live his life as prescribed by the courts. Ms. Tilley saw a broken man who fortunately was very high functioning despite what had been imposed on him. Thomas and Joe saw a friend and son who was barely keeping himself together for the larger world, and that was at a very high cost to himself. Robert and Belinda saw a father who had turned into a disciplinarian, who said he loved them but was very unhappy. Dan saw nothing. Mark had excluded Dan from every aspect of his life.