Discovering Gregory

1/11/02 Discovering Gregory

Why Discovering Gregory?

I ask you to read these few lines each time I post. Your emails keep me writing and thinking. Please take the time to read what's on my mind. The first paragraph is about this story.

People ask me about this story all the time. Well, I was growing up alone and gay when I met a group of boys I could get close to in a limited way. Knowing nothing about being gay, I tried to keep them close while struggling to find myself. This story is based on that experience. When I originally wrote it, it was supposed to be about my love for Greg. People kept asking me to continue and that meant going back to characters and events that became hopelessly out of order of the way things really happened. I decided to set it straight since so many of you have grown to care about Greg, Doug, & me.

When I was a young, I was the only one. I started this story so you would know at least one other. Once we started speaking to each other, I came to believe I was making a difference.

We can now speak about growing up gay. We can speak about being denied our basic civil rights. We can speak of the injustice perpetuated by a system that has no tolerance for individuality because it doesn't enhance the wealth and the power of the few. Sheep keep the status quo in our society. We must never be sheep.

I'm moved to tears when gay teens tell me they are afraid to go to school. They are afraid of being thrown out of their houses. It sickens me when students at Escambia High School in Florida apply to form a Lesbian & Gay Club, and every local television station hypes the story all day. It sickens me when the application must is withdrawn because of threats by other students.

The follow up on this story by the same local news stations was a couple of sentences saying the application was withdrawn after some threats were made by other students. The newscasts were geared to stir righteous indignation in this conservative community and once again reporters dictate their morality of this community, using photographs of the gay student's disregarding their safety. Gay men know the danger of bullies in school.

It sickens me when there is not one voice of outrage to condemn this violation of their civil rights. What other peace-loving group in America could be threatened without some outrage from someone?

A fourteen-year-old boy spoke volumes in the last note he ever wrote. He was a writer. He was a poet. His final note read:

"I refuse to live in a world that hates me."

With that note he died.

We can love each other so even a fourteen-year-old doesn't face the world alone. We can give gay teens hope and offer them a reason to live. It's our obligation to the next generation of gays growing up in America. We can't stop the news media from making a school issue into a community morality check, but we can be there for the gay youth who has no where to turn for help.

That's why I write. I need to be free. I need you to be free. This society needs us to be quiet and invisible.

We can speak of many things, and I'm grateful that we have a voice and a place to talk. Thanks you to Nifty Archives and to its heart, David.

Thanks to "The List",

http://members.tripod.com/gay_list/Best%20of%20Nifty.htm

Who took the time to separate the wheat from the shaft. Thank you for allowing more serious readers a way to sort out stories that might last longer than a hand job. We need to get serious if we want to be taken seriously. The best of Nifty list is only the beginning. We need a place to tell the real stories of our lives.

Without some recognizable history we have no future. We stay invisible. All fags are magic, you know. We are invisible to everyone until we say the magic words.

Above all else, love one another. No matter how tough it is, you'll go further with a smile on your lips and love in your heart. We can love each other and make things better by doing it.

writersrealm@hotmail.com

Discovering Gregory

01/11/02

Chapter 20 So Hard To Be Cool

The air was fresh. My mind was stimulated by at least a million things, but it wouldn't settle for just one. I couldn't imagine any place better to be than right there under that hundred year-old oak with the most beautiful boy in the world holding my hand. His head lay on my shoulder and our fingers intertwined like the roots of the mighty tree as the river rolled past us.

A squirrel danced on a limb above us, stopping now and again to stand on his hind legs and talk to the other squirrels. Birds came and went, my heart pounded, and a gentle wind rustled the leaves as we stayed put.

"Why is so it hard."

"I don't know. From watching them, I guess."

"You asshole! Why is it so hard being a kid?"

"Oh! I don't know. I guess there's so much happening, so much we need to know."

"You're a big fucking help, Martin."

"I'm here for you. I want to be a big help to you."

"I know you do. Why is it so hard?"

"I don't know, Doug. I suppose if it were easy, how'd we know what was worth it and what wasn't?"

"I s'pose. I'm so damn comfortable being with you."

"Me too."

"But we aren't supposed to be. That's what's hard. I feel all this stuff inside me and I ain't s'pose to be feeling that."

"How does anyone know what anyone else feels or why?" I asked.

"I feel like I need to have someone hold me all the time. I mean every time I get close to someone, like this, I never want them to let me go."

"What's wrong with that?" I asked him.

"What's wrong with me," Doug said.

"From where I sit, not a god damn thing. You're about perfect."

"Cut it out. I mean it can't stop with holding. Once they hold me I want more. I keep saying I don't want to do the stuff, but I keep doing it."

"There's nothing wrong with "that stuff"."

"Why are guys so fucking weak?" He asked.

"I think our bodies sometimes take over from our brain."

"You mean our dicks," Doug said.

"I guess that too."

"Yeah, but every time I finish doing something, I say I won't ever do that again. Then I get with someone, like with you last night."

"I was irresistible and you couldn't control yourself," I quipped.

"Right!"

"Doug, some times you do what you do. Sex isn't that clear to me. I know I like it with you. Would it be easier if I didn't? Probably, but I'm sure glad that I do."

"I can't figure out why I don't just stop. Fall in love with some nice girl, you know. Let her hold me? I like this girl at school, but she has a boyfriend."

There wasn't anything I could say. I didn't want Doug to like anyone but me, but I knew he liked a lot of people and even more liked him.

"What do you s'spose they're up to?"

"No good no doubt," I said.

"There's a path that leads to the mud hole. We could go watch if you do that kind of thing."

"Where's the path?"

"You think Augie will do it with my brother?"

"Why not. Everyone else does. Greg's got something everyone wants."

"Augie's different. He's as big a stud as Greg, don't you think?"

"Bigger even. He isn't intimidated by Greg. I think They're trying to figure each other out."

"You don't think they'll have sex?" Doug asked, sitting up to look at me when I answered. "Neither of them would let the other...."

"Bulls do diddle each other, you know."

"Yeah, and I don't want to miss it. Let's go see."

Doug led the way into the woods and we were immediately on a trail that led us to a stand of trees and some shrubs that stood thirty feet from where Greg and Augie had settled into a dark brown muck. I thought we were way noisy getting in to position to spy on them, but between the river behind them and them talking, they didn't seem to notice our arrival. We sat behind some lackluster shrubs and looked through the naked branches. Doug's fingers reached into my hand until we were joined together again.

They both lay on their backs covered in mud. Their erections stood up as testimony to their virility. Like the rest of them they were covered in mud. Augie made the first mistake and Greg had been waiting for the blunder. It was obvious from the way both their big chests pumped air that they were still winded from the morning combat or worse, their mutual attraction that kept driving them together. After a few peaceful minutes of them being apart, Augie rolled up on one of his elbows and came down on his stomach. His wonderful round ass, now chocolate coated, dominated the view as he rested his head gently on the backs of the hands he had placed on top of the mud.

"This is great," Augie said. "I'm finally relaxing a little."

"Takes the ache out of most muscles," Greg advised, breathing harder than Augie. His cock was also stiffer, twitching while he looked skyward, looking thicker by virtue of several coats of goop that adhered to it.

It was obvious when he was going to make his move. He rolled up on the elbow closest to Augie before leaping on top of him. Augie was taken completely by surprise and even after Greg had finished the maneuver, Augie lay quietly under him with their muddy faces almost touching as Greg started to ride him.

"This is way too comfortable to fight over," Augie said, leaving his meaning unclear to me.

"Just when I thought you were going to be fun," Greg said, unwilling or unable to yield back that which had been taken only seconds before.

"It's all perspective."

"How so?"

"Fun for one isn't necessarily fun for all."

"Philosophy one O something or other," Greg sighed, disappointed.

Greg's left hand moved ever so slightly on Augie's side. Had both of Augie's hands not been under his face, one might think it was his own hand moving there. Looking for some sign of escalation coming from Greg's hand, I missed the obvious as Greg's hips moved up and off of Augie's backside. His dick slid ever so slowly up and out of the bottom boys ass crack. It stood up twitching several times with noticeable spasms.

"It's better when you fight me," Greg advised.

"For who? It takes the power away when you stop resisting. I'm tired now."

"You should fight to keep what's yours," Greg reasoned.

"They want you to fight. That's the only way they can conquer you."

"Who?" Greg asked, having become lost in Augie's words.

"The man on top. Never mind. It's too nice here to fight. I don't want to fight you. I like you."

"That's cool. I like you. You don't mind me fucking you awhile. I bet you're tight."

"I'm told. Go for it if you want it that bad," Augie said.

"I knew it," Doug hissed in my ear. "Fucker gets them all."

Greg's hand moved up on to Augie's ass as his cock slid up and back in his crack. Greg stared down at himself as the sound of slurping and slopping came out of the bog. He cleared the mud off himself and out of Augie's crack so he could make the contact he needed. His cock flesh once more shone through the mud as he stroked himself vigorously.

Their breathing grew more intense as Greg's fingers slid up on the back of his adversary's leg until his fingers were in-between his legs at the bottom of the crack. He lay down on Augie's back and placed his arms out beside the buried boy's head. Greg's hips moved up and down in rhythmic gentle thrusts. Augie offered no resistance to Greg's accelerated motions.

Greg's hips were just starting to lift and his face had pressed against Augie's face when they both came out of the mud in a sudden jerk with Augie rolling out of the mud on top of Greg. His hands held Greg's arms over his head, making it hard for him to gain any leverage. Their chests collided with a splat as Greg was the one bogging down in the mud.

"Fucker!" Greg vowed as he made a futile attempt to escape his captor.

"Yes, I thought he was going to let him do it to him," Doug said too loud, but they were once again in a life and death struggle and unaware of the interlopers.

Augie maintained control as the front of their bodies churned and ground together. After a few more minutes it was once again only the hips moving as they dueled to satisfy whatever it was that drove them. Greg threw Augie off and rolled weakly on top of him, and Augie returned the favor a minute later.

There was laughter and swearing and panting that echoed through the trees. One was on the other's back, then it was reversed, only to be undone yet again. At one point in the precise middle of one of them taking control from the other, they simultaneously fell onto their backs, side by each, their chests heaving huge gulps of air that didn't seem to satisfy their need. Their cocks still stood as testimony to their endurance.

As Doug and I smiled at each other we both turned back to see a gob of liquid escaping from Greg's cock slit, slowly dropping on his belly button filled with mud.

"You're fucking shooting your load," Augie said, pointing to another strand of precum that hung between Greg's slit and his stomach.

"You wish," Greg said with contempt. "Just a slight overflow from the overheating problem you're giving me."

"You could wear a guy out, you know, dude. That was so weird. I never wrestled a guy naked. Gives you some weird ideas, huh?"

"I was just starting to think you might be interesting," Greg said, watching his cock as he milked more liquid from it. His hand moved way too slow for him to be doing anything but clearing the pipes of the oozing liquid, but Augie didn't miss a thing, his own cock twitched with a clear substance glistening at the tip. He seemed lost for a second as he felt his erection, using his thumb to clear the his slit.

"No, I'm just your basic boring con," Augie said, rolling onto his stomach and lying his face back down on his arms.

"Is it true what they say goes on up in places like that?" Greg asked, staring straight up into the ceiling of the forest that leaned out over the bog on three sides. They were now just inside the mud flat and no more than fifteen feet from where we squatted. The air settle before the answer came.

"...Pretty much," he finally said, unable to deflect the question with a joke.

"It happened to you? What they say happens to young dudes like us up there?"

"...Pretty much," Augie said after another delay that could only have been consideration of whether or not to tell the truth. He turned his face away so he couldn't see Greg.

I wondered if he feared rejection from this boy who was charged with sexual desire for him.

"What's it like?"

"You get by as best you can. One guy can't fight off nine. You can fight, but you can't fight them off. You can't fight them all. You let one then you let them all. If you want to survive."

"So you let them?"

"Maybe not let them. More like they take it if they want it. You got to force yourself not to struggle. You can't at first. Instinct says fight. It's over way faster if you don't fight. Most don't even want it if you aren't fighting to keep them from getting it. Right off half lose interest."

Greg started up on one elbow and before I knew it he had covered Augie's body with his own again, only not sudden or in a hostile way. Their faces came together and Greg's arms covered Augie's arms in what could only be described as a tender way. I didn't think Greg had a tender bone in his entire body, but he seemed to want to ease whatever burden Augie carried to that mud pool. Then, being true to form, his hips started to rise and fall.

"Fuck!" Doug said, and Greg's head snapped up and he stared into the shrubs right at us.

FUCK! I thought. He had to see us. Doug looked at me sheepishly.

"Let's get rinsed off," Greg said sounding perturbed.

"I'm fine. Look, I did plenty up there. I ain't gonna make up no stories to make you think I'm this straight arrow or anything."

Greg stood, looking down at Augie, and offering him a hand.

"It's cool, dude. I do stuff all the time. All us guys you met do it. Except my od man and Dwight. We're fucking teenagers, aren't we. It's what we do."

"It ain't cool, Greg. I'm just ready for something else, you know. At least to make sure I still can."

"All's fair in love and fucking."

"I want to get with that girl, Greg. After I done that, we're cool with the other stuff. I'm not saying that ain't an option. It's just pussy's on my ind."

"Yeah, what's the chance I could get some of that action?" Greg asked. "We could like team up."

"She's screwing all her brother's friends, or so he says. She didn't waste no time grabbing onto it. I know she wants it."

"So why don't you just peg her and get it over with?" Greg asked.

"I need someone to get her brother off me. Every time she gets me all overheated, she leaves, and he says I owe him. Fucker's worse than cons. Can't keep his hands off it."

"What's his problem?" Greg asked.

"Me," Augie said. "Fucker loves me. Never had a man's dick."

"Tell him to get lost," Greg said. "You don't owe him nothin'."

"I made a deal with him when he said he could get me laid. There wasn't anyone else up here. He gets what he wants if I get with his sister."

"So?" Greg asked.

"He won't leave me alone. He wants to watch. Then he wants to play with it. He's worse than some of the cons, and I still haven't fucked her."

"What's the deal? You all know what's going on. Cut him off until you get her."

"I want to try it without an audience for a change. I got plenty of that up there. I want to solo now I'm a free man."

"I see what you mean."

"I want to see if I can still..., you know. The last girl was before I got arrested. Over a year. I never did anything with boys before jail."

"Shit stud, you got nothing to worry about. When you get out of here girls will fall all over your ass."

"Yeah, I know, but I can't wait three more months to find out. It ain't them I'm worried for. That Timmy kid, he wanted to play with my dick last night. I got hard by him telling me what he wanted. I'm turning homo. I need a girl."

"So what's in it for me then?" Greg asked. "Say I take the kid off your hands so you can screw his sister."

"What do you want?" Augie asked.

I tried to hear what they were saying, but they talked softly as Greg walked him back out into the river.

"Come on," I said, let's go back.

"You just want to see them get dressed," Doug said.

"Don't you?" I asked.

"Maybe," Doug said as we walk toward the path.

He kept pushing his hand into my arm until I realized he wanted me to hold it. We were hurrying back toward the oak, when he stopped me.

"What's the hurry?"

" I don't know," I confessed.

"We come strolling out of the woods just in time to see them dressing, they're going to know where we're coming from," Doug reasoned.

"Greg saw us. That's why he kept trying to get Augie to leave."

"Maybe not. All the more reason to do something here so they have time to get finished before we get back to the house."

When I turned to face Doug the front of his pants were poked out. That's not to say mine didn't suffer from the same malady if not to the same degree. Doug out bulged me by quite a bit. Mine appeared just down my right leg while Doug's puffed out the front of his brown shorts. His hand immediately felt my erection. He kept his eyes on his hand as I wanted him to look at me.

"We can do what we did last night," he said, finally looking at my face.

"Okay," I said.

His shorts were on the ground followed by his blue stripped boxers before I could adjust to the idea that the boy who didn't was going to. His cock stood out thick and fully erect. It wasn't as long or as thick as Greg's but the difference wasn't enough to be concerned about. Doug's more petite body and lighter coloring made his dick look massive. Before I could get on my knees to take it in my mouth, he was on his knees unzipping my pants.

Once he got his mouth on me, I was helpless. With no effort he was taking most of my dick in his mouth. He seemed devoted to me before he stood and bent over in front of me.

"Come on. It's plenty slick."

"I... ah, wait a minute," I said, getting on my knees and putting my face between his cheeks. He bent forward as I located and licked his hole.

"God, Martin, you're going to ruin it if you don't fuck me now."

"I want more than just to stick it in," I said.

"Shit, we've got all afternoon, all night, and all day tomorrow. Let's just do this one right here right now."

I backed away and his smooth pastel nuts were swinging between his legs. I had to put my mouth on them and this made him moan. When I stood he was bent at the right angle and I certainly didn't need any more stimulation than that. The warmth was overwhelming and I leaned over his back to hold him as I guided myself deep inside him.

"Oh, yeah," he moaned. "That's so hot. Go ahead."

My mind went blank but my hips knew what to do. Standing up definitely wasn't my favorite position, but any way with Doug was just fine with me. I was immediately closing in on the moment of truth. We grunted and groaned in some wild melody that only heightened my intensity.

"Yeah, that's it. You know how I like it. That's perfect."

Hell, I was just drilling for oil. Any semblance of technique was most certainly by accident. What I knew was, damn the torpedo full speed ahead, and I was driving to the finish line when I reached around him to get my hands on that hot cock. Oh yeah, I'm in heaven now. Feeling his erection was all it took, except everything came to a screeching halt as I was blown out of the water.

"Told you those fuckers were watching us," Greg said victorously.

Doug stood up. My cock literally popped out of his ass, and Augie and Greg stood five feet from where we were fucking.

"One's your brother, right? Don't tell me which," Augie mused in an easy going style.

"Fucking horse dick, no doubt," he said, pointing at Doug. "Damn boys got a body on him."

"Martin," Greg said, addressing me personally while I was deciding whether to shit or go blind. "Martin?"

"Yeah," I said, getting my dick almost in through my zipper before it got caught in the teeth.

"Don't ever. Never once, ever, come to my house again as long as you live or until after I die. You fucking little whore."

"Damn," Augie said as they turned and walked away. "He's cute. What's that about."

"Just someone I thought I liked. I didn't," Greg said softly as they disappeared down the path.

"Fuck," I said. "I'm so fucking stupid. Why did I do it where he'd catch us."

"Well, when you're going to do a thing. Best to do it well," Doug said with no humor in his words. "We better get our fill this weekend, because unless I can come over your house, he ain't never going to agree to let you come over again."

"He'll forget about it after awhile," I reasoned to myself, looking to where Greg had disappeared, wanting to run to beg him for a reprieve.

"He don't use that tone often, but when he does, it's over, dude. Same thing happened to Kent. One day he was out. My brother's tough that way. I still don't know what happened between those two. They use to spend a lot of time together."

"Want to go ahead and finish. I'm still horny," Doug said.

Feeling my dick he made a couple of attempts to free it from my zipper.

"How can a guy get his dick jammed up like this?" Doug asked.

"I've got talent I've never used yet," I told him.

"My mother's good with stuff like this. Maybe I should let her do it."

"No fucking way. I'm not asking your mother to hold my dick for me," I said.

"Herbie's always zipping his up. She doesn't mind," he said.

"I do. I can just see Greg laughing at me while your mother's working on my dick. No thank you. Just get it out. I'll be okay," I said.

Feeling both horny and hurt, but with his hand on my dick, mostly horny. I braced myself for the agony I knew was about to hit me. He yanked down on my zipper in a quick jerk and at the same time he ripped up on my dick, and suddenly I was falling backward down the hill toward the river. I was sure one of us had my dick, I just wasn't sure I wanted to know which one.

Doug came bounding down the hill after me, leaping in knee deep leaves until he leaped on top of me like a five year old might do.

"You okay?" He asked, giggling and putting his head on my chest as he lay with his feet pointed up the hill. "I think I might have found my calling."

"What? Leaf leaper?"

"No, dick freer upper. I think I'm good at it."

"Yeah, but I might never fuck again," I said, examining my skinned up dong.

"That's too bad. You're good at it. In fact we could try it out to make sure it still works. I think it's my duty to make sure you're still in good operating condition before I return you home.

"What's with you all of a sudden. I've been afraid to touch you forever," I said.

He lifted his head and his serene blue eyes smiled into mine. He was so damn handsome and his hand was back where it could do me the most good.

"I love you, Doug," I said.

He blinked his eyes and looked away before looking back. He used his mouth to smile this time. He was absolutely gorgeous.

"I know you do. Just do me one favor. Don't love me too much. I can't be what you want," he said. "I've always wanted to do stuff together."

"I want you to be happy. I want to see you and you can come to my house after school."

"We'll see. When we get back, we'll see how it works out."

"I'll still love you no matter how it works out," I said.

"I don't want to hurt you. Don't love me too much. I don't know how to love anyone yet."

"It's okay. I don't expect you to feel the same way. Being with you, I mean last night.... I can't imagine it being any better with anyone else."

"I think you'd be on the top of my list though. If I was to love someone. I like you, Martin. I mean really like you, but there's other shit I got to try. I can't be somebody's lover yet."

We lay there for awhile trying to understand what had transpired between us up there in those hills. Something was different between us, and then there was Greg. I didn't let myself think about him or the mean words he had for me. When my mind did go there, my heart ached and I wanted to cry. I did believe he meant exactly what he said. I wouldn't ever have screwed Doug where Greg could have caught us, only I had and he had, twice within a few hours. I was a total asshole but while I was with Doug that didn't matter.

It's so easy to be a sheep. You stay in line, look straight ahead, and follow the asshole in front of you. It takes courage to be unique, to be different, to stand out in a crowd.

writersrealm@hotmail.com