Diplomacy and Lust Part Eight
Dave stared at himself in the mirror for what seemed like hours periodically running cold water over his face. He hardly recognized himself. His skin was pallid, his eyes sunken with heavy bags underneath, his face narrower than he remembered. He looked up and down his body and noticed the weight he'd lost.
`Dave what the hell are you going to do with yourself? You can't go on like this. You're wasting away.' Dave thought to himself.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept well. Fatigue plagued his body. Nothing felt right. The counselor Dave was seeing definitely was helping but the progress didn't seem to be coming fast enough. Dave longed to get back to some semblance of normalcy.
It had been two weeks since Nate had walked in on him and Andres. There was hardly a day Dave didn't think about the look on Nate's face. Dave felt the weirdest mixture of feelings Ð relief, anger, anxiety, guilt. None of it made sense.
The situation with Andres had been one of opportunity. Andres was Dave's buddy from his previous State Department assignment. Nothing sexual had happened before. The two had been friends and had kept in touch ever since. When Andres had admitted that he was fresh out of a relationship and would be in Nairobi on business, Dave's mind started spinning and his cock started stirring. Dave would be lying if said that the situation with Andres wasn't pre-meditated. Dave always liked Spanish guys and he had pined after Andres secretly for the duration of their friendship.
Things with Nate had been moving so fast and then things became so tense after the attack. Dave resented Nate because he was comfy in his office while Dave was in a near death experience. Nate felt like he was being so supportive but what Dave really needed was support from a distance; not to be smothered, not for Nate to act like he was a hero for `being there' for Dave. He knew Nate had the right intentions but that didn't stop Dave's mixture of emotions and resentment towards Nate. Dave felt pangs of guilt because he knew in a lot of ways he was being selfish and unreasonable.
`Why shouldn't I be selfish and unreasonable? I could have died. I could have been maimed. Shouldn't I get some slack in all of this?' Dave asked himself.
Andres was a sporadic release, a plunge into pure fantasy and sex, an escape from the maelstrom Dave was experiencing on a daily basis. He never meant to hurt Nate but Dave had to admit that the sex with Andres was exactly what he needed at that moment and had felt great.
`Can I love someone, can I want to be with someone and still enjoy sex so much with a different person? Is that possible? Is that fair? Is that a sign that that person I love isn't really right for me?' Dave ruminated anxiously.
Work had been beyond awkward. The artic freeze between Nate and Dave was palatable. Fortunately, the two didn't have to work together and see each other too often but there were the common areas that always presented the opportunity for a chilly encounter.
Dave thought long and hard about trying to reconcile with Nate. He truly did care for him. Dave knew it probably didn't look like that given the suspicions surrounding his friendship with Mark and the ridiculous situation with Andres.
Is this connection with Nate salvageable? Do I even want it to be salvageable?' Nothing happened with Mark. That was just harmless flirtation but I did have incredible sex with Andres. Was it better than with Nate? It was different that's for sure but better Ð I don't know.' Dave thought to himself. The only way to know is to talk to Nate if he'll even agree to talk to me. Would I talk to Nate if he done the same thing to me?'
"Dave, HR needs to see you as soon as possible," Bill, Dave's coworker, told him casually as he entered his office.
"What about?" Dave inquired.
"I don't know man, I'm not your secretary but they said it was important," Dave said sarcastically walking off.
For a brief second, Dave wondered whether it could be about Nate. Had he made a complaint? Had he made an accusation?
Dave set off for HR.
"Dave, great to see you. Come on in and get comfortable," Rachael from HR said.
"What's this about?" Dave asked with a nervous tone.
"Let me cut to the chase because I have many more of these notifications to make. Washington is offering you the opportunity to be reassigned. Given what you've been through, DC felt it appropriate to offer you the opportunity to return stateside within 90 days to be closer to a support system and to continue counseling." Rachael stated warmly; casting Dave a reassuring look.
"Oh. Wow. That's unexpected." Dave said with genuine surprise and slight relief that this wasn't about Nate. "When do I have to give an answer?"
"We'd like your answer within 7 business days so we can make sure the orders are generated in time and you can get all of your out processing done with GSO, ISC, HR and all the various offices in a timely manner." Rachael said.
"Yeah. Give me some time to think." Dave replied standing up and shifting towards the door. "I'll give you my answer in person before the deadline."
Dave strode out into the hallway and headed straight for the exit. He needed some fresh air.
`Back to DC? Within 90 days? That's something to really think about. I could see my family and my friends. I could be a lot more comfortable and maybe really start to make the progress I need on moving past everything that's happened here.' Dave thought to himself as he watched birds fly over the embassy compound.
Dave smiled but the thoughts about Nate still lingered.
`There may be nothing left with Nate but what if there is? What we had, official status or note, was something real. Something great. I can't just walk away without knowing if there's still a chance there but I need to get help, to get better, to work on me and move past this bullshit terrorist attack. I can't just pass on getting better for a relationship.' Dave thought to himself as doubt and anxiety flooded into him.
Nervously, Dave moved with determination towards Nate. Nate was alone in the hallway and now was as good a time as any to go for it.
"Nate!" Dave started with a crack in his voice. "Before you walk away, you need to hear me out."
"Hear you out? Why should I bother?" Nate responded looking equally annoyed and apprehensive.
"Listen, we need to talk so we know where we stand." Dave replied.
"Oh I think I know where I stand with you Dave. Your Spanish horizontal salsa partner made that abundantly clear." Nate quipped caustically.
"No, we need to actually talk. You need the full story." Dave urged.
Nate rolled his eyes and started to walk away.
"Nate. Stop. Dammit. Can you just be mature about this?" Dave demanded heatedly. "You should know, I've been offered a chance to go back to DC Ð for good Ð with in the next 90 days. I have 7 business days to give HR my answer."
Nate stopped in his tracks, hesitated and then whirled around.
"Before we agree to talk, you should know something. I slept with someone else too; after walking in on you and that guy."
Dave looked surprised. He recovered thinking that Nate did what most people would have done.
"I don't care about that. We still need to talk." Dave sputtered.
"Are you going to say yes to HR?" Nate inquired, "because if the answer is automatically yes then there probably isn't a point in talking.
"I don't know yet. I don't know about a lot of things. I need to talk through it all and see where we stand." Dave disclosed.
"Alright. Fine. Java house on Limuru RD tonight at 6pm." Nate stated flatly. He spun around and walked off without saying goodbye.
`Well at least he's going to talk to me but what the fuck am I going to say? Have I already made up my mind?' Dave's mind raced.
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