This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Tony diMarco -- yeah -- I am he! (CA) Ben Hastings -- First love (Maui) Ben Fisk -- First sex (+4 years) Lucas diMarco -- my dad Wendy diMarco -- my mom. Fred Stumpf -- 31 year old inactive member.
From Ch. 5:
"Johnnie -- I don't wear my garmies. I've done things that -- that would preclude me wearing them any more."
"Oh." He said. He commenced to take his off. Standing in his nakedness, he asked if I had another pair of shorts he could wear.
"Why?" I asked.
"Same as you."
"Oh!" I exclaimed. "What could YOU have done?" I then thought better and said, Oh, I'm sorry, Elder, - it's none of my business!"
"It's okay. It was with you that I did it." I gave him a bewildered look. "In the back of Brother Fisk's car.
"Elder -- Johnnie -- we didn't do anything! Put your garments back on!" He smiled sheepishly and did as he was told. I turned the light out and we both lay down on our beds. After a few minutes, I heard him sniffling.
"Elder - you gonna be okay?"
"It's just - just - how did I get myself so screwed up? What did I do - to - to deserve this?"
"Johnnie -- do you want to sleep over here?"
"M-hm." He said, and climbed in with me in my twin bed. I got up and locked the door.
I gathered him into my arms and he sighed. "You're gonna be okay, Elder -- just fine." I said and we went to sleep, spooning.
Chapter 6
In the dark, before we fell asleep:
"Tony -- may I call you that?"
"You always have." I said.
"Oh -- yeah. Well, anyway -- thanks."
"For what?"
"Everything. I didn't know President Wilson before my mission, but I'm from Idaho too. Everything is like -- 50 years behind there -- at least in the smaller towns. To even do what we did - "
"We didn't DO anything!" I said.
"But -- even that would have been questioned. What we're doing now -- I just don't know how to deal with it. I mean -- I like it -- a LOT! But it's so foreign to me. I don't really know you - that well - and you seem like -- it's no big deal -- it's just okay."
"Well, it is -- to me -- but -- you may have noticed -- I locked my door."
"Oh yeah, thanks for that, too. For running interference for me with your parents. I was so embarrassed, I didn't know what to tell them. You just told the truth -- even though it was not everything you knew -- and it's okay."
He snuggled up closer, pushing his butt into my crotch. I couldn't help the reaction I was having. "Does that bother you?" He asked me.
"Does this bother you?" I asked and I pulled him closer. My hand scrunched his right breast. He giggled loudly and then pulled away from my hand -- which sent his butt even deeper into my crotch. He had to have felt my boner flex. I doubt he felt the squirt of precum that pushed out into my shorts.
"I -- er -- guess it DOES bother you!" I said.
"No -- I know it's just playing around -- I guess. It doesn't bother me -- well, not in a bad way."
"Anyway. Johnnie, I hate to say this, but I have to get up in three hours. Can we go to sleep?"
"Oh! Sorry. I'll go back to my - " He started to push the covers off.
"No, please - you can stay; just let's go to sleep -- okay?"
"Oh -- okay. Thanks. G'nite." He was so like a little child!
"G'nite, Johnnie." He again nestled back into me. I think maybe I flexed at him 3 or 4 times before I was asleep. His butt seemed to flex back at me. He was easy to sleep with.
When the alarm went off Johnnie stirred slightly and said, "It's your turn to shut it off, Elder Wyatt." And he hugged my arm more snugly.
I decided that this was not the time to ask if he had been sleeping with Elder Wyatt. I extricated myself from him and got dressed in the dark. As I left, I pulled him up and led him to his cot. He hardly acknowledged me, but curled up like he WAS clinging to - - someone.
Before I left work, early afternoon, I wrote a note to Ben telling him I supported him in his decision to try walking the straight and narrow line. "I've tried, Ben it and it's not for me." I said, "But if it works for you, then that's great." So ... I lied a little - I can't get in someone's way to finding God.
I added a P.S. "Elder Weinberg (Johnnie) will be staying with Fred Stumpf."
I walked home and then drove over to Ben's apartment. I was about to stick the note under the door when it opened. "What's going -- oh, Tony!"
"You're home!" I said.
He stretched and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah -- I couldn't sleep last night. Took the day off. Whatcha got?" He stretched his hand toward the note. I gave it to him.
"I didn't want you to worry about - "
"What's this? Elder Weinberg is staying with Fred? Jeez, Tony, why not just throw him to the wolves?"
"Fred isn't that bad, Ben. He's older than when you knew him. And besides -- Johnnie will be staying in Fred's old room -- in the house."
"Oh! Well! That -- um -- oh, will you listen to me? I sound like a smoker who just stopped smoking -- judging all the other poor saps who still smoke. Only with me it wasn't smoking that I gave up!" He said with a chagrinned smirk.
"I told you I support you -- in whatever you decided, Ben."
"I know what you told me. What didn't you tell me?"
Is he reading my thoughts?
"I'm not sure you want to know -- right now." I said.
"I really do, Tony. After sleeping on it -- or actually NOT sleeping -- I'm really struggling with it. I already talked to the bishop. I told him what you and I did."
"You WHAT?!" I said.
"I didn't tell him who it was. He didn't even ask. But he released me immediately from my calling, and - " He immediately fell apart when he said that. "SOB! Tony, I LOVED that calling. I loved the guys, and the work!"
We were still standing at the door. I pushed him in and closed the door. He turned around in shame and hung his head in his hands. I came behind him and enclosed him in my arms from behind. I lay my head on his back. "Please tell me I'm doing the right thing Tony." He said, and he turned and hugged my head.
"Ben, I -- love -- you and all I can tell you is -- you have to find this out for yourself."
"But what -- did you -- do? What did you experience? Please tell me. I -- don't want to waste any -- um -- Huh? What did you say? Did you -- say -- you - - love me?"
"Of course I do. You're the best friend I have. You love me -- don't you?"
"Well -- that goes without saying, it's - "
"It never goes without saying, Ben. It needs to be said! Okay -- here's what I did. In the first place I had just broken up with the sweetest guy in the world. I had shattered both our worlds -- to find out something for myself."
"Uh huh." He said "What -- what did you -- um -- find out?"
"I went to meetings with other gay guys. It was fun at first. I mean, it was so liberating to talk freely about anything, in a group, and not feeling judged -- and also feeling like every guy in there understands -- what I am going through. If nothing else, you deserve to feel that -- once. I actually miss that part."
"What else did you -- find out?"
"In the six month period after I broke up with Ben Hastings, I went to rallies and Mom and Dad even went with me to a Conference in Salt Lake City with thousands of us all in the same boat."
"A conference with thousands of gay guys? Pffft!"
"Yeah. That was when I started to question the process."
"Huh?"
"I started to see that at least half -- if not most -- of the guys there were like a bunch of boys, looking for other boys."
"You mean -- for sex?"
"N-n-no -- not -- I mean, I don't know." I said. "I was in a room with Mom and Dad. But I made friends with a group that -- well they had 4 or 5 guys to a room. I felt left out and also -- I started noticing something."
"What was that?"
"Well -- there were guys there that had been going to meetings forever -- I mean for years. I could see that they were never going to change. Some had been married and some WERE married, but they still mostly acted gay when around their gay friends. They weren't cured -- as some of them even claimed. They were just choosing to -- turn their backs on their natural feelings."
"Some would say those feeling are not so natural." He said.
I gave him "the look."
"Ben -- I should be going. I don't want Johnnie to -- to -- be alone too long."
"Okay. Listen -- maybe -- I mean -- well -- if for some reason -- um Elder Weinberg doesn't work out with -- um -- Fred -- maybe I could -- um let him stay here."
I told him thanks and hugged him. Somehow our lips found each other and we kissed deeply. "Okay -- um -- thanks -- I'll be on my way." I said, feeling flushed all over. I walked out the door and closed it. It creaked open again as I was walking away.
"Tony!" I turned. "Um -- that is -- okay -- bye!"
I drove over to the Stumpf's home. I got out and went to the door. "May I help you?" Said a pretty, middle aged woman.
"Hi. Is Fred here?"
"Let me check." She walked across the entryway and pushed a button on the intercom. "Freddy?" she repeated, "Freddy." She walked back. "No he doesn't seem to be. May I tell him who called?"
I was about to tell her who I was and why I was here but thought better of it. "I'm Tony diMarco. I guess just tell him I was here."
"I'll leave a message for him, Dear, but I don't always see him."
"Thanks." I said.
I went home and Johnnie was waiting for me, looking sad and afraid. "What happened, Johnnie?"
"Your friend Fred called. I can't stay with him."
"Oh!" I said. "Okay, well there's a plan `B'. I was talking to Ben Fisk. He says you can stay with him for awhile."
"Brother Fisk??" Johnnie brightened up like a light bulb. "Oh, that would be great -- just the very best! I really always liked him!" He then sobered a little. "Um -- does he -- um -- know about me?"
It just dawned on me! Unless Elder Wyatt said something to him -- Johnnie doesn't necessarily even know about me!
"Johnnie -- would it bother you if he did know?"
"I -- I -- dunno."
"Elder Wyatt knew -- and still loves you. So what difference if someone else knows. I know -- and it sure as hell doesn't bother me!" Johnnie recoiled at my use of the word "hell". I had to remind myself that he's been sheltered from that kind of language -- especially from another church member. "Sorry. Johnnie -- both Ben -- Brother Fisk and I are -- gay too."
Johnnie again recoiled. Well, in fairness, I remember well how long it took me to admit, then get used to the idea that I was gay. "Johnnie -- this is kind of like being an alcoholic." I said, "He will always be an alcoholic. He can stop drinking, but it will not change that he is an alcoholic. If he stays away from it, he'll be better off. You may want to - do that - in regard to being -- being gay, Johnnie.
"But the bottom line is -- you have to admit -- first to yourself -- that you are gay." I said.
He listened to me with at first a horrified look on his face, which turned to interest and then to something approaching acceptance. "Say it, Johnnie."
"Say -- um -- what?" He said, as if he didn't know!
"Say -- `I'm gay'. Tell me that you're gay."
"Um -- well -- I guess -- that is - "
"Just say it, Johnnie." I said softly.
"I'm -- um -- I'm - - - gay." He almost whispered. "Brother Fisk -- he's -- um -- er -- gay -- too? And -- you?"
"Yes, Johnnie. We are. Brother Fisk is trying to do like the alcoholic -- to turn away and hopes that he can ignore it and maybe it will be better -- for him. If that's what you want to do -- well, IS it what you want? If you think it even might be, you need to try it. If you don't, you may always wonder."
"What -- what -- do -- um -- what do YOU think?" He stammered.
"What I think -- what Ben thinks -- doesn't matter -- for you! If Ben is trying to do what he thinks is right -- then maybe you need to also do the same." I felt somewhat like a hypocrite. But I really feel like everyone has to find out for himself -- how he really feels -- and what he is comfortable with -- in his life.
"I -- okay -- I see -- I mean I think I see -- what you mean. When can we -- um -- go - see him?" He was restraining a newfound enthusiasm, I think.
"Now would be best, I think." I smiled. Johnnie grinned nervously. "Johnnie -- after last night -- did you really not know -- that I'm gay?"
He looked stunned. "I -- um -- well -- I didn't even know I was -- er -- am -- yeah -- um -- gay! How was I supposed to figure out that you were?"
He picked up his overnight bag and put it back into my car. His suitcase was still in it. We drove to Ben's apartment. Johnnie again looked stunned. "Is this where he lives?"
I smiled. "It's expensive to live in Hawaii." I said.
"I know, but - "
Ben walked out to meet us, smiling broadly. Johnnie flew out of the car and grabbed Ben's hand and pumped it like it was an empty well. Ben's smile turned to a grin, as he looked at me. "C'mon in!" he said.
Inside, his place didn't look much different than most missionary cells. So that at once put Johnnie at ease.
"You can sleep over there -- for now." Said Ben. "We'll try to get another bed in here as soon as we can."
Johnnie was all smiles as he put his suitcase next to the couch he would be sleeping on. As if it was planned that way, his phone rang immediately. It was 4 hours later in Idaho ...
"Johnnie?"
"Dad!" Said Johnnie.
"What's goin' on there, son? We got a notice from your mission president -- that you are released from your mission. It's -- um -- a little early for that isn't it son? Do we need to come over there and get you?"
Of course we could not hear what Johnnie's dad was saying. Johnnie looked at me and said -- "Dad -- I -- um -- yeah. I'm staying with Brother Fisk. He was the -- um Elders President in the -- um -- one of the wards I was serving in. I -- think -- well, that is -- I'll be staying here for awhile while I um -- well -- adjust -- to -- it."
"It? What? I don't quite understand, Johnnie. What is it that you need to -- um -- adjust to?"
"Me -- um -- Dad -- that is -- I am -- um -- gay."
Silence.
"Dad?" He looked at us. "He hung up -- I guess." He pressed recall and then looked at us again. "Busy." He pressed recall again. This time it rang. "Hello?"
Johnnie breathed again. "Dad!"
"Who is this?" Came the familiar voice.
"Dad -- this is Johnnie -- your son."
"I don't have a son by that name! Please don't call here again!"
"Dad -- is this a joke, or - "
CLICK!
Johnnie sat -- or rather almost fell onto the couch. He looked like Wiley Coyote and he'd been hit with an anvil -- except this wasn't funny.
"What happened -- Johnnie?" We both said together.
He dropped his phone on the floor. "He -- he -- won't talk to me." He said to his phone on the floor.
Ben sat next to him on the couch and I sat on the couch's arm next to him. He looked at his hands and seemed to be examining them. He looked closely at every line in his palms.
"What do you see there, Elder?" Asked Ben.
Johnnie looked up at him blankly. He blinked and looked back at his hands. His head fell onto my lap. He seemed to stop breathing. All of a sudden he let out a howl that I think I'll dream about for years. There was pounding on the wall adjacent to the next apartment. He stopped and was reduced to whimpers and sobs.
His phone rang, but he didn't pick it up. It stopped. It rang again. Ben picked it up and walked to the other side of the room.
"Hello?"
"J -- Johnnie?" Came a female voice.
"No - - um -- he can't talk right now -- who is it?"
"This is his mother."
"Just a minute." Said Ben. "Elder -- can you talk -- to your mother?" Johnnie shook his head. "Sister Weinberg? This is Ben Fisk. I used to be the Elders Quorum President in one of the wards that your son served in. He -- um -- can't talk right now, he - "
"Why can't I talk to my son!?" She demanded.
"It's not that he's not -- um -- allowed -- to talk. Sister Weinberg -- he is unable to talk because - "
"I demand that you put my son on his phone. I don't know what you think you are doing but - "
"Please Sister Weinberg, stop! I will put him on, but -- he is too upset from what your husband did to talk. Can he call you back?"
The phone was muffled, but Ben could hear Johnnie's mother. "You self-righteous piece of garbage! Do you know what you have done to our son? Are you going to brag about THAT to your priesthood cronies -- that you darn well are not going to stand for any boy of your's to be gay? You are one of the saddest, most disgusting excuses of a father I've ever known! After I talk to my son -- I'm then going to call the bishop. Then we'll see who plans to disown who!"
She spoke again on the phone: "Okay -- well, thank you for taking care of my son, President -- did you say Fisk? Anyway, yes -- have him call when he is able." All Ben heard before she hung up was, "you worthless piece of - " Click!
"Don't mess with a German Mother, I guess!" Said Ben. "Didn't you say your mother is German?"
Johnnie looked up, this time with was some recognition in his eyes. He put out his hand for his phone. Ben handed it to him and he pushed recall.
As Johnnie talked quietly to his mother -- Johnnie mostly listening -- Ben quietly filled me in on the other side of the call. The more he said, the bigger my eyes got. "What's going on, Ben?" I asked.
"I'll tell you what -- as soon as Elder Weinberg is off the phone."
"He's been released, Ben. I think he'd rather be called Johnnie."
"No, Mom. I don't know what I'll do here -- for now. Yes, I -- well, I don't know. Okay. Okay. Yeah, me too, Mom. Okay -- bye."
"So -- what's up, Elder -- um -- can I call you -- Johnnie?"
"Yes." He said, again shy.
"Well, my dad was going to take my mission money from my account, so I wouldn't have anything here -- and also disown me. Mom had other ideas. She said to use my mission account as long as I needed it."
"Who put the money in your account, El -- oops -- Johnnie?" Asked Ben.
"I did. All my life I put every extra penny into it. In the last two years, I put most of it in, from money I earned working."
"How long have you been out, - um -- Johnnie?" Asked Ben.
"8 months."
"Wow1 How much -- well, that's none of my business. But anyway -- you have a good amount in your account to get you -- well -- I guess -- established -- here -- if you want."
"Probably. But my mother will kill herself if I don't make a trip home."
"OOO! I got the feeling it would be your dad she might -- oh, never mind!"
"What? Why?"
"Johnnie -- she was ripping him a new hole -- thinking I couldn't hear her."
"Yeah -- that'd be my mom. And if I don't come home -- at least for a visit -- soon -- she'll come over here and rip one for me!" He smiled for the first time since the call from his dad.
"That'll seriously impact your bank account." Said Ben.
"Believe me -- there's plenty there!" He said. "I saved everything. That's one reason I have to go home -- sometime. I lived free while I was saving everything."
"So -- Johnnie," I said, "What's going on -- where you're from -- that causes your dad to act like that?"
"Um -- Tony -- remember how your own dad acted? Didn't you tell me he kicked you out?" Said Ben.
"Oh. That. Yeah. I still don't get it."
"It's like food storage." Said Ben.
"Huh?"
"How many years have the prophets been telling us to have a year's supply?"
"Like - forever." I answered.
"Why?
"The Prophet told us it's important."
"Do you have any?" I asked. He raised the skirt on his bed. There was no mattress platform. His mattress sat on a foundation of food!
"That answer your question?" He said. "Anyway -- President Hinckley has been telling us for years that we have to love our families -- that we should use patience and long suffering and charity and `love unfeigned' to deal with our families. Some of the old -- I guess you could call it hard line Mormons -- refuse to make the change -- just as many refuse to get their food storage in."
"Oh, I don't think people refuse to get their food storage -- they just keep putting it off."
"Yeah -- same thing with this idea of being the almighty, inflexible `head-of-the-house-father' that used to be the rule. In the 1800's it was necessary. That may have worked 100 years ago -- but it doesn't now. The leadership of the church realizes it. Many others -- including some of the lesser leaders -- still have a problem letting go of that absolute power over their families."
"I KNEW I loved President Hinckley!" I said. And I felt a surge of love for my ancient prophet.
"Yup!" Said Ben. "Me too. He's 97 years old and seems younger in many ways that many of the men half his age -- in some places in the church. But guess what?"
"What?"
"The women understand! They don't have the issues that some men have."
"Yes!" I exclaimed. "Remember President and Sister Wilson -- how they reacted to your leaving, Johnnie?"
"They're wonderful people. That's why I was so -- sad -- when he acted as he did at first."
"Let's go out to dinner!" Said Ben. "I'm treating!"
"No!" Said Johnnie. "I'm treating. And make it a good place! A steak house! I want steak -- to celebrate."
"Celebrate?" I said in unison with Ben.
"My independence?" He said, shrugging meekly. He looked at each of us, realizing that he wasn't all that independent -- yet and grinned. "Okay -- relative independence?" We all laughed.
I called my mom and told her that I was going out with Johnnie and Ben and not to expect me for dinner. She thanked me for calling. We went to Lahaina to the Kobe Steakhouse. It's a Japanese steakhouse and the steak was great. They made dinner at our table and did something with mashed potatoes that was amazing -- making them seem to erupt like a volcano.
When we came back, I went home and the reality set in. I went to sleep with images in my head of Ben and Johnnie spooning. I wondered how long they would hold out in their quest. I did it for over 6 months. Luckily I was tired enough that I fell asleep quickly.
Notes: What will be a next chapter in Tony's life? I don't know at this point. Comments are welcome to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and ... Love, Steve