Dilemma For Tony

This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -

ENJOY!

Cast of characters:

Tony diMarco -- yeah -- I am he!

(CA) Ben Hastings -- First love

(Maui) Ben Fisk -- First sex (+4 years)

Lucas diMarco -- my dad

Wendy diMarco -- my mom.

Fred Stumpf -- 31 year old inactive member.

From Ch. 3:

We took the elders back to their car, and said good bye. They drove off -- a little late, but this was sanctioned by the President Wilson. That left me and Ben, standing in the almost pitch dark -- except for a few stars that were visible.

"Do they know you're - "

"I don't think so." I said.

"Well, I better let you get in to bed."

"Yeah. G'night." He kissed my mouth and I responded appropriately. "Part of me wishes I was coming to bed with you, Tony."

"I know -- and I probably know which part too. Um -- me too -- part of me anyway."

"Same part?"

"No. this part is a little further inside me." I answered.

We kissed once more and I said g'night again and went in the house. My drams were interesting.

Chapter 4

"Elder Weinberg, we really shouldn't be - "

"Shhh! My companion is in the other bed!" Said Elder Weinberg. I looked at the other bed and there sat Ben -- staring accusingly at us. I looked at Elder Weinberg and he had changed to Fred Stumpf. I closed my eyes tight, knowing it was a dream. When I opened them -- only in the dream -- it was as if I were back in my own bed -- by myself. I looked out the window and it was dark and rainy.

I looked the other way, toward my door. Ben WAS there beside me, looking sadly at me. "Look, Ben," I started to explain, as if he had seen the other parts of my dream.

"It's okay, Tony. I told you to get them out of your system."

BBRRIINNGGGG! My alarm rang. 4:30 and time to get up. Even for second shift I have to get up before the rest of the world.

Nothing out of the ordinary with the group this day. Well, not at the start of the day anyway. But at lunch, I was just sitting down and caught the eye of a tall Hawaiian heading toward the bathroom. From the rear, it looked a lot like MY tall Hawaiian. I excused myself, and as luck would have it, someone was using the restroom before us. He turned and smiled. It WAS Fred. "What's up, Tony?"

I looked at the floor. "Sorry about yesterday. I heard you were there."

"I was -- but I looked in and my young men's president from 9th grade is in your ward. He was part of the reason I stopped going to church."

The door opened and I followed Fred into the bathroom. He went to the urinal this time and could see my full frontal this time. "Well -- was he mean or something?"

"NOOoooo! He was the sweetest leader I ever had. I thought I was in love with him."

"What happened?" I said.

"I came on to him."

"And he rejected you?"

"At first. But then after several tries, he gave in. We had sex and -- then he broke down and cried, telling me he couldn't do this, that he was married with children and -- we couldn't see each other -- alone again."

"Wow!" I said. So that's when you stopped going to church.?"

"Not quite. He had good intentions, but as a 14 year old who didn't understand why he shouldn't give me the love I was offering him, I persisted. He gave in to me -- over and over. I thought we were in love. I think he thought so too. He talked about leaving his wife. That was fine with me. I was in a fantasy world -- being only 14. But so was he.

"Then he told his wife, she went to the bishop - - and forced him to do the same. He was excommunicated."

"Oh, Crap!"

"They made me come in and testify against him. Well, I was only telling the truth, but it was the evidence that got him ex-ed. I felt like shit! I felt like killing myself. I loved him!"

"Omigosh! I've heard that those church courts are nothing if not filled with love. Was that your experience?'

"Oh -- well -- I guess that's true. First let me tell you -- in my family it was not as loving. As soon as he was ex-ed, I was -- at 14 years old -- kicked out of the house."

"Sheee-yit!" I said.

"But you're right about the church court system. They appointed a stake high councilor to be his advocate. This brother took his side. But Drew was repentant from the beginning. He had been a bishop and knew most of the guys on that very high council that ex-ed him. They were all shaken up. They all cried -- WITH him -- and immediately he started his process back into the church."

And -- there he was in my ward when you - " I started.

"Yeah -- sitting on the stand."

"Wha -- aat! You mean Brother Ringgs?!!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You were there. But I didn't see you!" He said, feeling bad that he had told me who it was.

"I was sitting in the overflow area in the corner. You would have had to come in to see me. Anyway -- apparently he repented."

"Yeah. But you and I both know -- you can't change that."

"I guess not." I said. "But maybe he is `bi'. He can at least carry on that way."

"No. He told me his wife was frigid and he didn't really care -- he had no desire for her anyway."

"Wow! Poor guy."

"Y'know? I think he is doing what he wants. His kids are almost out of the house now. -- they were really just little kids then -- but he chose the higher road -- I guess. I can respect that. Omigod, but I was an impossible pest at 14. Completely self centered! I look back and see what a little ass hole I was and it makes me shudder."

"You were young."

"I was. Hey -- do you want to see me -- after you're off today?"

"That'll be in about two hours." I said, by way of acceptance. "Pick me up. I walk from home to work."

"Great!" See you about three!"

I never noticed until we were out of the restroom that -- I never once looked at his package -- nor did I even notice his shaking it of wringing it out!

Brother Ringgs! GAH!

He was waiting for me when we got back to the base office. I jumped into his car and he drove the few blocks to his place. I was surprised that it was an upscale home overlooking Kahului. "Is this first ward?" I asked. He nodded

I was blown away by the nice place he lived! He parked in the driveway of a low ranch type house with a 3-car garage. I was afraid to ask ...

"I live with my parents'." He said.

"But I thought - "

"Yeah, I was kicked out. But they got over it. And to give me my space -- and theirs -- they let me stay in the pool house. Wanna go for a swim?"

"Oh yeah, that sounds great, but - I don't have any - "

"You won't need any." I thought he was gonna offer to loan me some shorts. "No one's home and as you can see -- no one can see in this yard -- we don't need any. He unlocked the door to his pool house and let me step in first. It was all open at the top couple feet of the walls with only screens there. There were native wood couches and chairs with cushions with large hibiscus and agaves printed on them.

There was a dark corridor that seemed to go into nowhere. He led me back to his bedroom -- not a corridor -- which was carved out of the hillside. No windows, so when he closed the door it was eerily black. I wondered what he was up to for about a half second before he flipped on the light switch. "Makes it nice for sleeping during the day." He said, removing his clothing. I stood and watched him like I was in a trance. He laughed when after taking off his shirt he pulled down his shorts -- and of course no underwear.

"Whadaya think?" He ginned, then looked down at his package.

"Hmm!" I said, embarrassed. "Um -- well, - it's nice and compact!"

"I can tell I'm gonna like you! I like that much more than `cute'! I hate that!"

"It's -- it's -- uncut." I said, trying not to drool.

"Yeah -- been that way since birth!" He laughed. "So -- you gonna take yours off so we can swim?"

I was embarrassed. I was so consumed with looking at his neatly stowed, uncut meat. And it wasn't growing at all -- unlike my own!

I turned around and dropped my pants. I still had to take off my shoes! I felt stupid. He walked around and twisted down and looked at mine. "Ummmm! Nice! You're compact too!" I sat immediately on the bed and bent over to take off my shoes and socks. The sheer embarrassment took the wind out of my sail. By the time I had removed my socks, shoes and pants, it was neat and closer to my body.

I was a little put off by being called compact. I was at least a little larger than most guys I had seen. Well -- not anything like Ben Fisk, but his whole body was huge. With a grin, Fred walked out as I was taking off my shirt. He said, "C'mon, let's get wet!" I watched his chiseled, dark butt cheeks flex as I carefully removed my underwear and folded them reverently.

I walked out and peeked out of the pool house door. "Really -- no one can see us -- well, except us!"

I ran and jumped into the pool. He swam right up to me and grabbed my dick. "Delighted to make your acquaintance, Dick." And he laughed. "Don't you want to meet me too?"

I was super embarrassed. But -- never taking his eyes from mine, he guided my hand to his uncut-edness. I had never felt one before. Now it started to grow a little. I slid the skin back. By this time I was wishing we weren't in the water.

"Easy, it's kinda sensitive." I let go all at once. "Now you didn't have to do that." He said, finding my own again and running his finger up the underside and stopping at the head. I again gingerly wrapped my hand around his. It was hard as it was gonna get -- and still the head was covered. It was hot compared to the cool water. Then it dawned on me: it was every bit as big as mine! I looked down and they were both magnified by the water.

"Pretty cool effect, huh?" He said. He chuckled.

"Yeah." I laughed nervously.

"Tony -- relax! Feel this!" he pulled us together and the warmth that was created between us, contrasted by the coolness of the water was stimulating -- as if we needed any more stimulation! His uncut meat and mine -- were now swimming right next to each other, touching and slipping around our pelvises. It was impossible to stand still in the water.

With our bodies close, and both our hands cupping one another's butts, I made the fatal mistake of looking into his eyes. Up this close there were a few wrinkles, but they looked good on his dark skin. He closed his eyes as if in slow motion, and this seemed to automatically open his mouth slightly. It was as if this were the hypnotic suggestion, as mine closed too, and this seemed to bring our mouths and tongues into contact.

"Tony,' He whispered breathlessly, "I swore I'd never again get myself into this position with such a young boy. But you're irresistible. You taste good, you smell good, and I hope -- I hope -- that you are ready to -- to -- give me a chance. Am I -- um -- Am I -- moving too fast?"

All I could come up with was "May -- um -- maybe." I thought about Ben Hastings. I thought about Ben Fisk. I had not gotten this far with Ben Fisk. The way Fred was leading the action was a little scary to me, but it also excited me and -- somehow gave me some amount of confidence.

He withdrew. "I don't want to push you in to anything." He said. He already had -- and I was NOT sure I didn't like it. But -- it was scary.

He turned and dove to the deep end of the pool and stayed there for a good three minutes. I had experienced Hawaiians doing this, but still I was worried and dove down to him. He came up and grinning, said, "Haha! Had to show off a little!"

"How can you stay down so long?" I said.

"It takes training and -- discipline. You have to know what you're doing and -- I could teach you, but - it can be dangerous."

"Why?"

"Because your body has a natural trigger that warns you that you need to breathe. When you ignore it, it eventually passes and you can stay down longer. But -- you have to know -- you can also drown when that happens -- because you basically don't care that you're not breathing, and can pass out if you wait too long." He said, seriously. "I need to swim some laps while I'm here. You wanna join me?"

We swam about 15 laps, the length of the pool and I had to stop. He swam another 30 by himself. When he was finished, he was breathing deep and almost wheezing from the exertion. "I HAVE to push myself. Ready to get out?"

He then led me to the far side of the pool house to a spa I didn't see before. We got in and he turned it on. Strong water and air currents massaged our bodies. He turned around and faced the jets and soon he was breathing hard again and moaning. When he finished, he laughed and said, try it -- it's great.

I turned around and one of the strong jets provided constant stimulation. Soon I was about to blow and he moved over next to me and kissed me as I blew my load into the warm water. I was nearly delirious with the hot water, my orgasm and his kisses all at the same time.

"You're gonna have to do that for me some time! It's been a long time!" he said. I felt weak. He looked at my face and said, "Better get out," which I did. There were some lounge chairs next to the spa. I collapsed -- with his help -- on one of them. "Did you like that?" He asked.

I could hardly say, "Yeah."

We both regained our strength there for about 20 minutes. I was nearly asleep, when he said., "Let's cool off one more time before getting out. We basically jumped in and then out of the pool and went into the pool house. He led me to the cave and turned around. He pulled me into another embrace and somehow turned off the light.

We almost fell onto the bed. We gently and soberly caressed each other's bodies. It was not unlike Ben and me a few days earlier -- but with no clothes on. I fell asleep. He woke me up. What time are you -- I mean -- does anyone expect you home -- or anything?"

"Yeah. My mom -- for dinner."

Maybe you better be going, huh?"

"Yeah. I guess." I said, groggily. I got dressed and almost stumbled out as he walked me to the house. His parents were both home. I thought he would take me through the house to meet them. He steered me around the side of the house. Before we walked to his car, he hugged me again and a short wet kiss. Then we got into his car and he drove me home.

As I got out of the car, he said, "Tony -- I really like you. Your age scares me a little. I won't call you again -- unless you contact me first. I -- really -- want to see you again. Call me in a few days if you feel the same."

"Can't you come in and meet my parents?"

"No -- I can't right now. Thanks anyway. Bye!" he said, putting his fingers to his lips and kissing them then touching my lips. He did a u-turn and sped off. I stood there with my mouth open, as I watched his car disappear.

What just happened? I was just with this incredibly sexy and good looking Hawaiian guy -- 9 years older than I -- and what did we do? Not all that much, but it was the way we -- he -- did it that put me off kilter.

I barely noticed my dad park in the driveway and get out of his car. "Are you okay, Son?"

"Yeah -- yeah, I am. I just went swimming." I said almost blankly.

"Yeah, that can take a lot out of a guy. Is that all you did?"

I looked at him in surprise. "No!" I said. "We -- we -- also went in his hot tub. That can take a lot out of you too!" I said. I only laughed about that later as I recalled that I had said it. We went into the house and prepared for Family Home Evening.

"The missionaries are coming back again tonight to present us a missionary Family Home Evening." Said my mom.

Family Home Evening was instigated in the church many years ago. All other activities are suspended on Monday nights -- and it is relegated to family night. I grew up on it -- and always wished it was twice a week. I have friends who hated it -- and wished it was once a year!

The missionaries arrived and Elder Weinberg shook hands all around -- but when he came to me, he didn't exactly hesitate, but just looked -- well, the only thing I can say was -- embarrassed. I wondered if it was because of last night or maybe because of the way I was eyeing him. Maybe it was a combination of the two.

They gave their lesson to us and when it was over, they asked my dad to call on someone to say a closing prayer. He called on me. I prayed that the missionaries would get home safely and that they would be able to focus on the Lord's work. Of course I said all the thankfulness stuff -- and I don't take it lightly. If not for my family -- I don't know where I'd be.

As they left, Elder Weinberg again shook my hand and this time he lingered a little linger holding on to my hand and just kind of smiled knowingly -- or so it seemed to me. I said g'bye and winked at him. It was completely involuntary. He smirked and they left.

After they left, Dad asked me to go for a walk. Uh-oh - -

"How are you enjoying the Young Adult Ward?" He asked.

"It's okay."

"You seem to hit it off pretty well with that Ben. Elder's President?"

"Yeah."

And you seemed to enjoy going to the fireside last night with the missionaries. You really connected with Elder Weinberg, didn't you? I could see it." Without letting me answer, he continued, "So -- how is the battle going?"

"Battle?" I said, hoping he was talking about the day to day struggles of getting up early, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Your problem. I don't even pretend to understand it, but from what I have read -- and what the bishop told me -- getting together with guys -- helps -- call it male bonding -- whatever. Does that help you? Or is it still a struggle?"

"It's always a struggle, Pop." I said.

"Mm. I guess I can understand that. Kind of like a kid in a candy store -- and not allowed to eat any candy." I nodded, and thought he was finished. But he wasn't. "So he takes a piece here and there, because he is too young to see what he's doing to his body."

At this time, my whole body was burning. Had dad figured out what I was doing? He seemed to understand -- too well -- what I was going through.

"Bishop told me it would be a struggle for you. Tony -- I hope you know that -- your mother and I love you -- no matter what. And if you ever need to talk -- so does the bishop. I'm serious. He'd be the better one to talk to than either me or your mom. But if you feel like you need to -- I'll be here for you."

"Thanks, Dad." I said, feeling remorse, guilt, love and fear all at once. When that happens the body isn't equipped to handle it -- so it pushes it out -- through your tear ducts. "Thanks a lot." I repeated, looking into his eyes which were also wet. "Dad," I said very soberly, "Dad, I am afraid that I may be a big disappointment to you."

"Oh no, Tony Don't - "

"Dad, I love The Church -- I do! But -- I want to be with -- someone -- and -- please don't get your hopes up. That person will never be a female."

"Son, you know that the Apostle Paul talked about a thorn in the flesh. He was never married, you know -- and he never tells why -- or what that thorn in the flesh might be -- only that he finally understood that it would always be there and that he had to continue with it. There are some who have theorized that Paul may have been -- like you are. But he chose to serve the Lord -- and his fellow man."

"I know about that, Dad. He also said, it is better to marry than to burn. But -- at least now -- it's not okay for two men to do that -- to marry. I don't think I will ever see a vision -- like Paul did. But I do have a strong testimony of the gospel. And we both know that when Paul spoke of burning -- it isn't forever like some seem to think."

"I know, son. I'd like to save you from that, though. And -- I know I can't -- which makes it hard for me -- er -- us -- your mother and me. Also - "

"I know Dad. You want me with you in the Celestial Kingdom. I have given that a lot of thought too. This I know. Love doesn't die when we do. I will always love my family. And if you all go to that kingdom -- then I know that your love for me will be sufficient that you will still be able to see me and love me wherever I end up."

"Oh, Tony, don't talk like that."

"I have to Dad. I have to consider all these things."

"I -- I -- suppose you do. Well, then -- I'll reiterate what I told you earlier. We will always love you -- no matter what you choose. And Tony?"

"Yes?"

"Because of you, we will now know how to love and better deal with other disappointments that your brothers and sister may present us with. Shall we go in?"

"I love you Dad. Will you tell Mom what we talked about -- please."

"Sure I will, Son."

I could tell there were other questions he wanted to ask, but decided this wasn't the time. I was glad -- I wasn't ready to face those questions yet.

I had Tuesday off, so I called Ben and asked if he had some time to talk.

"A little." He said. "Why don't I pick you up and we'll drive down to Pa'ia. It's usually pretty clear there and the beach will be cool to walk on."

The route he took to get to the beach took us right by Fred's house. "That's where Fred Stumpf lives." He told me.

I hesitated telling him I knew. "I know." I finally said.

"I've been to a few youth activities and firesides there. They always opened their home to any church gathering. They have a -- huh? You know?" He said, taken back that I had obviously been there. "Oh. Did you meet his parents? They are very cool people."

"No."

"Oh! That's surprising. I would have bet that he would have wanted you to -- um -- so you didn't see them?"

"I saw them, through the window." I said. "We were back in the pool house."

"Oh yeah! That was the coolest place! It's -- well you know what it is! Did he show you the storage room? If you close the door, it gets completely stark, black, dark! It's eerie -- if you're alone."

"Um -- I -- guess. That's now his bedroom."

"Oh Tony! You didn't -- oh, I'm sorry -- that's none of my damned business!" He looked so hurt!

"Okay -- well, I suppose you're right. It is none of your business. But -- we didn't do anything -- um -- more than you and I did."

Now THAT was a stretch of the truth. But since we didn't do anal or oral -- I felt justified.

"Listen, Tony, I was way out of line to say anything -- unless you are talking to me in my official position."

He meant as Elders Quorum President. Anything I tell him -- in that capacity -- is confidential. I just shook my head.

We arrived at the beach. It was a warmish night, so we both took off out shirts and walked barefoot in the cool sand, still wet from the tide. We were silent for awhile, and then he stopped and lay down a towel. There was a grassy area just adjacent to the beach. "Let's sit." He said. I sat down next to him, looking out over the ocean, our towels on the grass and our feet in the sand.

"So -- what prompted you to call me tonight, Tony?'

I had forgotten it was I who called him. "Oh. Well, um -- I really -- love -- the gospel, Ben. And you know -- I hope -- that I love the Lord. I can't imagine any other prophet than President Hinckley. He's 97 years old and he is like the energizer bunny. He just keeps going -- and going -- and going. I grew up wondering how he could be as old as he is and still lead an organization this big. Now I understand that he is a leader and he chooses others who are also capable to help him.

"But the bottom line is, Ben, I just know that he is a prophet of God. And he said in his Proclamation to the Family -- that marriage is ordained only consisting of a man and a woman. I also believe that. I couldn't help thinking of that as my Ben -- oh -- sorry -- Ben Hastings -- and his Al -- said those vows in front of the Temple. There were probably others at that time -- inside the temple -- doing it in reality -- for eternity."

"Well, marriage is a legal contract, really." He said, "And legally, it doesn't extend past death.."

"Well, of course we believe something different in the church, Ben. But that's not what I am wondering about. But as long as you brought it up. The Telestial Kingdom will be more wonderful than anyone on earth can imagine -- isn't that what Brigham Young said?"

"That's not been proved, but it's been attributed to him. It's definitely church lore."

"Well, in Job and Revelations it says plainly that we will get our bodies back. So who's to say that we also won't have the same sexual sensations we have - "

"Ohhh! I dunno." He said, almost chuckling.

"Look, I didn't ask to be -- gay! I don't know if I think God made me gay. But the reality is -- I AM gay!" I didn't realize I was shouting.

"SHh, Babe."

"Sorry -- this wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about, but let me finish. I think that -- it just makes sense to me -- that a loving God -- will not take away the thing that brings us this much happiness. And not only that -- think of sex without guilt! I really think that could be part of the Telestial glory that is referred to."

"Hmm -- maybe. But maybe there are things even better than sex - - there. I gave him "the look". "well??!! I'm just saying - - I just never thought about it that way. As I see it -- there is only one reason that we go to church. To do those things that will -- along with God's love and the atonement of Jesus -- get us back to His presence."

"That's not why I go." I said. "I go because I love the people. And I love my family. Now -- here's what I asked you to meet me for."

"What's that, Babe?"

"How do you justify -- continuing to be active -- in church -- and still be -- well -- toying with me? I mean we really didn't do anything -- but -- what if we did? And by the way -- I'm not so sure some people would say we didn't do anything. If you really want to return to Heavenly Father's presence -- the highest kingdom, then you can't be playing with me -- or anyone else."

Ben looked as if he had been slapped. "I -- guess -- I -- I feel like a time bomb -- ready to go any time. I deal with it as I do -- because I have not had a reason to deal differently -- with it -- before now. And now -- I'm trying to ignore what is becoming a bigger and bigger issue."

"What's the issue?" I asked.

"Tony -- I want -- you -- so much I can taste it! And I know that -- there's a possibility -- that someday - sooner or later -- I'll do something that -- will cause me to step over the line. How can I be in a position of leadership -- and yet still be doing things which I as a leader should advise others not to do?"

"Why did you take the position in the first place?" I asked.

He looked down. "Never mind -- I think I know." I said. He stared at me. "You were taught that you never turn down a calling."

"Well? Isn't that the plan? Isn't that the gospel?" He said, frustrated.

"I guess this is another reason why a mission is so valuable." I said. "Out in the mission field, bishops and stake presidents aren't so sure of their infallibility." I explained. "And I bet my bishop is the same way. More and more, they will call you in and ask what's going on in your life. They may have a calling they need to fill, but they -- in talking to someone, may find out there are circumstances that prevent that calling."

"That's not the way this calling was extended. It was a member of the high council who met with me."

"And he told you -- in essence -- that if you say no to this calling, you are denying the spirit."

"No he didn't, but that was the feeling, all right."

"Well, you need to take some lessons on how to say no." I said simply.

"Kinda late for that."

"Not really." I said.

"I've already accepted the position."

"How long ago?"

"Two months ago."

"And you didn't know two months ago - "

" - that you would come back into my life."

I felt so useless and chagrinned. I was coming to ask for his advice and ended up in the exact opposite situation. "You still don't know that." I said.

"Wha - "

"If I walked out of your life tonight -- would that change how you feel -- would you feel better about your calling -- then?"

"I don't want you to walk out of my life. I -- I -- I -- omigosh! You would DO that to save me from myself -- wouldn't you?"

"Look, Ben, I don't know all the answers. All I can do is speak for myself. I would not take a job like that -- and my bishop knows why. I'm not out to the world -- but I am to those who count."

"That's my problem. I'm trying to walk on both sides of the line."

"Ben -- I'm not taking the Sacrament -- as of last month. And the reason is that I talked to my bishop and he knows that I had been -- doing things -- with Ben -- that would prevent it. And -- I haven't been excommunicated. If I do something -- that would excommunicate me -- I'll tell my bishop."

"You've got more guts that I have!"

"Are you kidding me?" I marveled. "You're the one with the guts. I don't know how you can walk on both sides of the line -- or at least consider it -- without telling your bishop. You deserve for him to know."

"But -- I'm afraid!"

Isn't it interesting how your love for someone increases when they show you their vulnerability!

"I know." I said. "I went through this with my mission president while on my mission. I never did anything wrong -- but I wanted to. If I had, I would have been sent home. But I didn't. Ben -- my mission wasn't the most wonderful time of my life -- like most missionaries. It was YOU that taught me that it was still valuable. And I'll be forever grateful to you."

Ben looked at me strangely. "You see?" He said. "That's what attracts me so much to you. You have a way of making me feel good about -- myself." He then kissed me. And I kissed him back. "I assume you have to -- oh no -- you're off tomorrow, aren't you?"

"I am!" I said.

"Tony -- please come home with me -- tonight."

"Ben -- I -- um -- want to, but - "

He kissed me again -- and I kissed him back again.

"HEAT OF THE MOMENT" echoed in my head.

"Ben -- no. I won't do something like this -- in the heat of the moment. Right now, I feel like I would give you anything -- everything -- if I go home with you tonight. And -- I -- don't -- want -- that. Either -- or both of us -- would regret it later and even blame each other."

His hand went inside my pants, caressing my butt. My head was screaming out to take control. My body was screaming out to give him control -- and - - what I want -- what I've wanted since I last was with Ben! Ben! Ben Hastings!

Then all of a sudden a peace came over me. I won't go home with him. Whatever we do here at the beach will be enough. I gave in to that much. I kissed him more ferociously, and he unbuttoned my pants. He covered up with the blanket and gave me a head job that was reminiscent of 8 years ago -- when we first spent that week together at scout camp.

This time was different. This time he let me -- give it back to him -- for the first time -- at the beach at Pa'ia.

"I g-g-guess I have something to tell my bishop now." He said, sounding more like a 16 year old than a 26 year old.

"He won't ask for details. You have to decide what the severity of that was." I said.

"Not as severe as I wanted! You were -- amazing, Tony. Now I don't know where to go from here."

"I really like you, Ben, but -- I'm not sure I'm ready to move in with you -- yet."

"I didn't -- say -- but -- well, you were almost reading my mind, Babe."

"I never thought I'd ever be saying this, but -- I really think that you need to -- um -- well, have some more -- um -- well -- maybe -- experience of other guys -- besides me. I'm kind of uncomfortable with -- being -- your only one."

Even though he is 4 years older than I am he seems younger in some ways -- especially this one way.

"I just thought - " he started, "- well, that we could maybe -- try it for awhile -- first."

"You're confusing me. A few minutes ago, you were -- or seemed to be -- confused about asking to be released form your position, and -- now you want to try - - what?"

"I dunno, Tony -- I'm not sure. Sometimes I dream about living with you, and others -- it's so hard to just -- Shit!"

I quickly decided that we needed a little break. "Well, in that case maybe you should take a laxative!" I quipped, and then added. "But seriously, in one sense, that's true. Maybe you hold this crap inside too much. Right now -- you are the best friend I have. Could it become more? Is it in fact more? All I know is -- I feel I can tell you anything. And I don't feel you would be judgmental. Can you trust me enough to just tell me what you are worried about? I told you what was bothering me."

"I -- geez, Tony, you asked me to talk -- and now I'm unloading on you! That's not fair."

"Is it the church? Is that's what's bothering you?"

"Not so much the church but -- my beliefs -- which I guess are pretty close." Ben said. I suppressed a yawn. "Yeah, thanks for that!" He laughed.

"Sorry it's been a long day."

"Yeah -- especially for you. What was it -- 12:30 wake up this morning?"

"No -- 4:30."

"Well, that's still bad enough. Did you ever get to talk about what you wanted?"

"Don't worry about that. I think we got some things out in the open. And Ben -- about the other stuff - - ?"

"You mean the - - ?"

"I agree with you. It was amazing!" I said, again trying to stifle a yawn.

"I better get you home so you can get some rest. I wish you were coming home with me." He said.

I didn't answer but I was wishing the same thing. "One last thing I need to say, Ben - "

"What's that, babe?"

"I lost my first Ben because of the same issues you're dealing with right now. Until you deal with them -- it -- or whatever -- you won't be able to make any kind of commitment to me -- or anyone else."

"Sigh! I know." He said.

We were silent on the way home, and I kissed him before getting out of the car. "I'll always be your friend, no matter what you decide, Ben. I've dealt with it -- and if you need, I'll help you deal with it."

"I think this is one that will have to be between me and the Lord, Tony. Bye!"

He drove slowly away. I watched him until he turned the corner. What I told him didn't come close to my true feelings for him.

"Was that your Elder's Quorum President?" Dad said from behind me. Startled, I jumped. "Sorry, I just came out to empty the kitchen trash."

"Yeah -- Ben."

"He surely seems to like you."

"Yeah -- it goes both ways, Dad. It goes both ways."

Notes: Don't we all sometimes feel like a child? Comments are always welcome. Thanks to you who have! Send comments to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and ... love, Steve