Dilemma for Tony This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY! Cast of characters:
Tony diMarco -- yeah -- I am he!
(CA) Ben Hastings -- First love
(Maui) Ben Fisk -- (+4 years)
Lucas diMarco -- my dad
Wendy diMarco -- my mom.
Joseph -- my Brother -- 17
Levi -- my brother - 15
Fred Stumpf -- 31 year old inactive member.
Johnnie Weinberg -- LDS Missionary
Rollin James -- Hawaiian High diver & government translator (+2)
Grandpa Antonio DiMarco
Grandma Rose
From Ch. 28:
There was a knock at the door about 9:15.
I waited for Mom to get it but she didn't -- I had forgotten she was gone. I put a robe around me and opened the door to see the back of a guy walking away. He looked familiar. "Can I help you?" I said. He turned. He looked young, but his face was covered with a thick beard. And his hair was long -- over his shoulders.
"Tony?" He said almost pensively.
"Yes?" I said. He looked so familiar, but - -
Then he walked closer and I looked into the eyes of ... Ben Hastings! My heart stopped.
Chapter 29
"Ben!" I said, more energetically than I meant to.
"Tony." He said, less energetically than I expected. As he stepped forward and offered his hand, I saw that his eyes were sunk deeply into his head and he had dark circles under them.
I was torn what to do. I let my heart dictate, as I pulled him into a close hug. I was at once both relieved and disappointed that there was not much response from him. He stepped back and looked at me. "Wow." He said.
"What?" I said.
"You look -- um - ?" He was stymied what to say next. I know what he was seeing. He probably expected to see the old Tony, robust and healthy. Instead he was looking at a sickly, underweight boy with a nasty scar on his temple.
"I think we both have some catching up -- huh?" I said. "Come in!"
We walked in the house and sat opposite each other, me on a chair and him on the couch. "So, tell me about -- what has been happening to Tony?" He said quickly -- revealing that he wasn't ready to talk about himself. I wanted to ask about Al, but was afraid to say anything.
"I dunno where to start." I said, stalling.
"How about the beginning -- with the last time we saw each other?" He said.
"<<Sigh!>> That would have been at your wedding."
"Tony, I could see you were hurting badly. If I had known -- I wouldn't have invited you. If I seemed to be ignoring you -- I couldn't let our past interfere with our -- mine and Al's -- day."
"I understand completely, Ben. I understood at the time, but -- I kind of went off the deep end for awhile."
"I'm so sorry - " he started.
"It was my doing that got me into it. I thought I finally got over it, but then - Ben -- I dreamed about you yesterday afternoon."
"You -- you did?" He said, looking hopeful for the first time. My heart ached for him -- and whatever was bothering him. It seemed obvious to me that he and Al must not be together any more. "What -- I mean -- er -- what'd you dream?" I hesitated telling him. "Look, if it's too hard -- you don't have to - " he started again.
"It's not hard - - for me." I said. "But - "
"Just tell me. It seems important -- somehow -- to me."
I told him about the dream -- as much as I could remember. When I came to the part of Al running into the surf and never coming back, he broke down and started sobbing. I immediately went to the couch and knelt in front of him, my hands on his thighs. "Tony -- Tony -- how could you know?" He blubbered.
"Know what? I don't know anything. It was just a dream."
"Al and I were happy as anyone -- I suppose. But about six months ago, he started getting paranoid. He had some friends -- football buddies -- that mostly were okay with his -- er -- change in status. But a couple of them gave him major shit over it -- you know -- being gay. They actually blamed me! But anyway, it was like Al found it harder and harder to accept that he could actually be gay. Our parents seemed to be supportive about the whole thing, but his dad -- whom he was very close to before -- became very distant.
"Then one day, we went down to Tahiti -- to surf and stuff -- and without telling me, he rented a sailboat and sailed out to sea. He left me a note saying that he just had to get away -- some alone time, you know?"
I nodded. He continued. "They found the boat after a week, in a shallow bay on the other side of the Island we were staying at. He wasn't so easy to locate, but -- after three weeks, divers found him. The official word was that when he threw out the anchor, he got caught in the rope and got dragged down. The other end of the rope was not secured, so the boat floated off."
"What do you mean -- the official word?"
"The Tahitian coroner who did the investigation said he probably -- orchestrated it to LOOK like an accident. There was no reason for the anchor rope to be disconnected from the boat. It is one of the safety precautions that are always checked before renting a boat."
I didn't realize that as he was telling me the story, I was rubbing his thigh -- until his hand closed down on one of mine, and he brought it up to his lips and kissed it -- or rather almost sucked on it. I gently pulled it away and he looked into my eyes. "Ben -- I'm -- I'm - " I was trying to tell him about -- me and Ben -- Fisk.
"So -- yes," he went on, "It was probably suicide." He snuffed up some excess mucus that was dripping freely from his nose and wiped his eyes. So -- what -- what happened to you?" Now it was obvious he was talking about my condition.
"That gave me a good opportunity to tell him about Ben, Rollie, Fred and the others. I told him the whole story, including that Ben Fisk was now my partner. I saw a light go off -- in his eyes and body -- as I was telling him this.
"Where are you staying, Ben?"
"Remember that place where we -- um -- first -- um -- stayed when you and I met?"
"Omigosh! You're at the Weston Ka'anapali -- again?"
"My parents have a timeshare there." He said.
"Oh yeah. How long - "
"I've been there for six weeks."
"WHAT??!!" I said. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"I was afraid. I was afraid how I would be received. I knew how I WANTED to be received, but - "
"Wait a minute! Six weeks? But -- I mean -- how many timeshare weeks do your folks have there?"
"Only two, but I received Al`s estate -- he made sure of that. And the life insurance was considerable. It was too soon to off himself -- per the rules of his insurance -- hence the whole official story and all. Those officials down in French Polynesia are easily paid off."
"Whew! So basically -- You're rich!"
"For all the good it does me. Believe me, money does not make one happy!" He sighed.
"Well, not when there is something that tragic in -- one's -- life." I said. "Why did you come to Hawaii?" As soon as I said it and saw the look on his face, I regretted asking it. I had graduated to sitting up on the couch beside him by now.
"Tony, I sat around doing nothing the first four months -- basically feeling sorry for myself. It was my dad that finally came and shook me up a bit. He told me the usual stuff -- you: that life goes on and that these things happen -- all that crap. When I told him why I was sitting around, he told me to do something about it."
I tried to remain silent, but he waited me out and I was compelled to ask, "Do something about -- what?"
"I wanted to come out here to see you."
I swallowed hard. "When was it that you made this decision?"
"About 2 months ago. But once I got here, I just couldn't get myself to come to see you."
Now I was very baffled. "Why? I mean -- why not?"
"After I got here, I met a couple of your missionaries in Lahaina. They taught me about Joseph Smith and about The Book of Mormon -- you know."
"Of course I do!" I said, astonished.
"At first I was not much interested in what they were teaching me. I only wanted to be around them -- because they reminded me so much of - - you. But then what they were telling me -- started to make perfect sense. It all fit together. All that crap about the three-in-one and the death-do-us-part -- stuff that never made sense to me -- ever -- was put in a different perspective that I never knew before."
"Did you join the church?" I said, letting my enthusiasm get the best of me.
"Naw. I couldn't do that. It makes more sense that anything I've heard before -- but I'd have to give up too much. I'd have to give up who I am -- to be a member in good standing. No, I couldn't do that."
"I fully understand that." I said, not being able to hide my own chagrin.
"The missionaries told me I could come to church anyway -- which I've been doing. They haven't told on me -- you know, that I'm gay. They know that's my place to do -- if I feel it's necessary."
"Trust me, Ben, -- they've told someone. It's part of their responsibility. They've probably told the Ward Mission Leader, for example. And their district and maybe zone leaders."
"I don't know about those -- what? District zone leaders -- what? But I know about the Ward mission leader. You mean Brother Kalianoli knows I'm gay? That's awkward!" Ben looked almost panicky.
"Why's that?"
"Brother Kalianoli set me up to go out fishing with his son. His teen-aged son!"
"He must know his son well." I said.
"I don't know -- er -- I don't -- um -- think I can go there any more, knowing that he knows. It's awkward. Wait a minute."
He whipped out his cell phone and punched in a number. "This is Elder Willis."
"Hey, Elder Willis! This is Ben Hastings."
"Oh. What a nice surprise! How are you doing?"
"I -- um -- found my guy."
"You mean the one you were hoping to -- um find -- the returned missionary?"
Ben gave me a quick embarrassed grin. "Yeah, he's here and my phone's on hands free."
(This of course told Elder Willis to cool it!)
"Oh -- um -- Great! Hey, Elder!"
It's been a while since anyone called me Elder. I smiled, "Hey!" I said. I was a little intimidated talking like this with a full time missionary, not seeing his reactions to anything. "So -- um -- you've been teaching my friend about -- the gospel?"
"Yeah. I understand you served in Tucson."
"Uh-huh. A far cry from here, Huh?" I said.
Our conversation had been reduced to missionary small talk. I was betting he was as uncomfortable as I was. "Well, hey," he said, "it's great to meet you. Ben has told us so much about you!"
I'll bet he has!
Elder Willis continued, "Listen Elder, I'd love to talk to you -- you know -- trade missionary stories. Maybe you could call me sometime or - " He was hedging. I knew that he wanted to speak more freely -- out of Ben's hearing.
I decided a more direct approach might work better. "Um -- Elder Willis -- did Ben tell you that I'm gay?" I said.
There was a moment of silence. Then after a muffled conversation with his companion, "No -- um -- he didn't mention that -- um -- part."
"Wo!" I said. That even took me by surprise.
"Um - " started Ben, "Maybe I should let you guys talk. He tossed me his phone and said, "I'll be just outside." I started to protest, but he left and shut the door behind him.
I took the phone off hands free and said, "Well, that was uncomfortable. I'm sorry if I - "
"No - - NO! What you did was perfect. I know Ben." Said Elder Willis. "He won't be offended by that. So -- how -- um -- how did you meet Ben?"
I told him about the biking accident and how I felt somewhat responsible and all -- and came to care for Ben and how one thing led to another and --
"So -- it wasn't while on you mission?"
"Oh heck no! I wouldn't have done anything like that on my mission."
"Were you guys -- um -- well -- um - "
"Together?" I offered.
"Yeah. Were you?"
"Sort of. I was supposed to join him on the mainland -- California. I said "But I -- um -- chickened out."
"Chickened out?"
"You know -- got cold feet and - "
"And a case of the guilts?"
"Yeah. You're very perceptive!"
"Listen Elder,"
"Please call me Tony!"
"Okay, Tony. Listen, I joined the church when I was 25. I'm 27 now - "
"Omigosh! That's the same age as my - " I started, then stopped. Um -- 27 huh? The old man!"
27 is an old man in the full-time mission field. Most guys go out when they're 19 and come home at 21!
"Yeah, but what I was going to say was I have -- um -- a past -- that um -- makes me particularly suited to -- um -- well I have an easy rapport with guys like Ben."
"What? You're gay too?" I said, astonished.
"No -- NO! It's not like that at all! But I -- um -- did a lot of stuff I'm not proud of -- before the Elders came to my door one day. It still haunts me sometimes, actually, but -- I have hopefully left all that behind. So anyway, so as not to make Ben feel too uncomfortable -- lets talk later, okay? Let me talk to Ben again."
I entered his number into my own phone, said good bye and opened the door. Ben looked at me expectantly and I handed him the phone, then closed the door -- to give THEM some privacy.
Ben came back shortly. "I'm sorry, Tony. I should have warned you that I didn't tell him about -- well that you are gay -- too."
"It's okay. And he seems okay with it too. Has he told you about his -- um -- past?"
"Not much -- other than he has one -- has done things that he has since repented of." Said Ben. "I pretty much told him I'm not really interested in repenting in that way."
"You what?"
"Yeah and - He actually agreed with me. He told me that he'd have a hard time if he was doing something that your church was so much against."
"My church -- as you call it -- is against any sex out of wedlock. People do it -- sometimes and mostly the people in the church don't hate those people. That's why your -- I mean Brother Kalianoli isn't bothered to let you go fishing with his son. He probably hoped his son will have a positive influence on you."
"Well he did! God, Brother Kalianoli MUST trust his son!"
"How old is his son?"
"He's 19, almost ready for his mission."
"OHHH! I was picturing someone about 16! You -- um -- didn't do anything with him -- did you?"
"Actually I did. I went fishing with him!"
He smiled a smile that brought back a flood of good feelings in me. Momentarily I saw through the long hair and heavy beard and saw the old Ben I know and - - loved. Or maybe I should say - - love! I could see the aura around him return. I shook my head.
"You -- saw that?" He said.
"Saw what?" I asked, not sure at all what he was talking about.
"I just had a very quick, almost -- blinding flash. It happened so fast that I almost -- can't remember it."
"Yes -- I saw it. Ben -- one thing I didn't tell you about my wound here," I touched my very apparent scar, "is that I actually died. I was out of my body for a time."
"WO! How long?"
"Well, I said it was for a time but what was weird was -- it didn't feel like time had any significance. It seemed moments and it seemed forever -- at the same time. But it was actually days. My body was in a coma."
"Jeez, Tony! And you didn't tell me this -- why - ?"
"I -- um -- well -- it was kind of private and -- I mean -- well, I didn't want to freak you out."
"Omigod! Well, I guess I can understand that. I AM freaked out. Did you have that `go to the light' experience?"
"No. Well, not exactly. I was given a choice. I chose to come back."
"No SHIT!?? I mean -- sorry! No kidding? I'd have gone!"
"Well, knowing what you know now and how you feel right now -- maybe -- but no -- um -- I guess you kind of had to be there."
"Yeah -- well you had something to come back to -- I guess. Not me man. I'd be outa here in a minute if I had that choice."
"You'd think so, huh?" I said. He looked at me questioningly. "Well, you just see things and experience things differently -- from out there. For example -- I saw my boyfriend -- cheating on me."
"What?!! OMIGOD, Tony. I'd come back just to fuck him up! I mean -- sorry for the language, but -- I'd love to go over and break a few bones even now -- if you'd let me!"
"Over there is in Honolulu. And -- haha -- spoken in true football hero style by the way! No, Ben it wasn't that way. I saw him -- er -- them -- and it made sense to me. I also saw how Ben -- my Ben - " I saw another momentary dark shadow pass over him when I said that about "my Ben" "Anyway -- I saw -- literally -- the love that he had for me - grow - the more he served me."
"Oh. So -- you feel -- obligated to him -- because of that?" He said.
"Er -- no -- I didn't mean - "
"I know you didn't mean that but that's how it seems -- to me. Oh, Tony - " Ben almost threw himself down off the couch and knelt at my feet. "Please give me another chance, Tony. Don't feel like you have to be `obligated' to some guy! That's not love! What we had -- that's love!"
I was so torn! What we "had" echoed in my mind -- right along with -- Omigosh -- I still love him! But I'm with Ben now. Ben Fisk! It isn't just obligation that tied me to him -- is it? He was rubbing my thigh -- as I had done to him earlier. I couldn't help obviously looking down at his hand. He stopped.
"Tony, A little while ago, you were caressing MY thigh. I realized that it was involuntary, but -- seriously, do you think you would have done something like that to -- someone you didn't care for -- deeply -- someone you didn't love?"
It was way too early, but I had the dreaded feeling that Ben would come home any moment. I took his hand and it took every fiber of will power to place it on the couch next to me. I wanted to place it to my lips. But I can't do this to Ben -- MY Ben! This Ben isn't MY Ben -- any longer. I went though all the reasons that Ben and I were good for each other -- I mean MY Ben, as in - - Ben Fisk.
My head was spinning. There was so much deep desire screaming to be released. I jumped up and almost ran to the chair and sat down. I leveled myself with him and caught his eye. He looked about ready to explode -- as I did.
"Okay, Ben. I have to admit -- you excite some deep feelings in me. Give you a chance? After what I did to you last time, I'm surprised you would even ask. I'm gonna say -- no -- for now."
Even as I said, "for now", I felt it was the wrong thing to say, because I could literally see his countenance lighten a little. But it was at least honest.
"And Ben, I have to tell you something else. I can see things I never saw before. Since my near death experience, I can see light -- I mean light I never saw before. That flash you saw was a halo around you, It was you -- feeling hope. I also saw it go out -- or grow dimmer whenever I mentioned "my Ben", referring to -- my other Ben.
"Ben I have jumped from relationship to relationship. You awakened something in me -- or maybe intensified what was already waking up -- a little over a year ago. And I thank you for that. I really do. I was living a lie before you came.
"But now I have to give this -- what I have with - - my Ben -- a chance first." I saw his glow intensify when I said "first." I was happy. I didn't want to have him lose all hope -- not now -- not when he was so vulnerable.
"Ben -- why did you wait so long to contact me?" I couldn't tell him why I was asking -- that if he had contacted me when he first came over -- I'd probably be with him.
"I was afraid. As I told you -- I saw how it affected you when you saw me and -- Al -- saying our vows. That has haunted me ever since, and then when Al -- died - " his eyes glassed over again, "I wanted you -- much too immediately. I felt deep guilt over that. Then I came over here -- to see you -- though I wasn't even admitting that to myself -- and I actually thought that you maybe had given up your quest or whatever -- to explore your gay side - "
"It's the only side I have, Ben."
" - and I didn't want to -- intrude -- on your religious quest."
"Ben and I are probably gonna start going to church again."
"You can do that?" He asked.
"Didn't you tell me that Willis -- er -- ELDER Willis -- invited you to church?"
"Yeah, but I didn't know he told people that I am gay."
"It doesn't matter -- I mean -- it DOES matter, but they don't judge you for it."
"No one?"
"Wel-llll -- there are always some who aren't -- um -- maybe they're not even secure in their own testimony or -- maybe they're from Idaho!"
"Idaho?"
"Sorry -- that was a joke. It seems like Idaho Mormons are more -- um -- maybe backward is the word. But they seem to be very inflexible. The mission prez here is from Idaho and he released a guy from his mission because this guy, Johnny -- Elder Weinberg -- told him he was attracted to guys. I told my prez and he just asked me if that would cause me to do anything inappropriate. I told him no, and that was the end of it."
"Where is this Elder Wiseburger now?"
"Weinberg. I -- you know I'm not sure. I'll have to ask Ben when he gets home."
"Oh. Why would Ben know?"
"They used to live together."
"Oh! You mean live together like as in `live together' live together? Or they just shared an apartment-live together?"
"Um -- maybe yes to all the above."
"Hmph."
Then it dawned on me. Maybe Ben wants to meet Johnnie. Of course HE doesn't know it -- yet!
"Tony -- I better go. I don't want you to get in trouble -- or anything -- because I'm here."
"It's early yet, but -- if you have to -- I - "
"I think I better." He got up and extended his hand. I took it and pulled him into a hug. He buried his face in my neck and inhaled deeply. I pulled back and kissed his hairy cheek. He went to kiss mine and of its own accord -- my head seemed to turn and present my lips to him. He moaned and kissed me deeply. Just when I might have started getting into it, the door started to open.
I sprang back. He looked surprised, regretful and -- happy, all at once.
"Hi Mom."
She looked at the scroungy young man standing in her living room with a dubious expression. "Oh -- you have company."
"I was just leaving. I'm Ben Hastings."
At that Mom's eyes widened. She recovered and said, "Oh -- my!" She said, and then, looking back to me, "Will he be staying for dinner?"
"No thanks, Mrs. diMarco. I was just leaving."
"Well! Okay! Well, it's -- um -- nice to meet you -- Ben."
After he left, Mom asked, "Where did he come from?"
"<<Sigh!>> The blue!" I exclaimed.
After Ben got home, I pulled him outside. "Ben was here today."
"Huh?"
"Ben Hastings -- was here at the house this morning."
"Oh." He said, like I had just sucked the air out of him -- and not in a good way. "Um -- how did that go?"
My silence said too much. "You -- still have feelings for him." It wasn't a question. It didn't require a response.
"He looks terrible. He has a full beard, collar length hair and -- has lost at least as much weight as I have."
"Where is his -- partner?"
"Dead."
"Omigosh!"
I told him about the entire exchange -- including the kiss -- including my feelings. I couldn't lie to him -- or keep silent about this. I watched as his aura faded and when I was finished, I said, "Ben -- I'm in this -- with you -- for the duration. Yes, I still have feelings for him. He never hurt me -- to make me hate or resent him -- ever. It was I who hurt him. But he tried to convince me that what we had -- he and I -- was more than what you and I have." Ben's aura faded quickly -- to almost gray. "Ben -- I love you. I love Ben Fisk!"
"But -- you also love Ben Hastings."
"And unfortunately there is no other word for it. I figured it out as I was waiting for you to come home. I thought I was in love with Ben. But -- If I was -- like I am with you - " I had not told Ben this before -- "I wouldn't have dear John-ed him before going to California. I would -- will -- not give up on you -- on us -- so easily."
He stopped walking. I stopped and turned around. "You just said that you are in love with me." He had an expression I could not read.
"I did, didn't I?" I grinned. "And it felt completely natural and real!"
"I was afraid to say it -- to you. Afraid you wouldn't say it back."
"And now?" I quipped.
"Huh?" I just folded my arms and looked at him until he got it. "Oh! Yeah! I love you -- I mean -- yeah! I'm in love with you. I think I always have been. That's why I could never feel a spark with Fred -- or even Johnnie."
"Johnnie!" I yelled. Ben flinched. He turned and said,
"Where?"
"No -- I mean -- can you get in contact with him?"
"I dunno. I can try." He flipped his phone open and found Johnnie's number and pushed the call button.
"Yeah -- it's me. Great. Yeah. Where are you. Really? They did? What?? They DIDN'T! Oh, Jay -- I'm so sorry. So -- what? When? Can you come before that? Cuz we have someone you might like to meet." I saw glee in Ben's face. "Okay! Yeah, me too. I know! Bye!"
"He went home and his mom talked his dad into taking him back -- not into the house -- but he didn't want that anyway -- but into the family. They did, and he moved back in -- for awhile. Then last week -- for seemingly no reason at all -- his dad told him to leave and never come back. DAMNED Idaho Mormons!"
So he's coming -- back here?"
"Yup!"
"That's great! I said. "And it's great to see you so excited."
"Oh -- Tony. I didn't mean - "
I laughed. "You get two kisses -- one on the cheek and one on - "
"That's silly!" he said.
"Not if you're 23!" I grinned.
"You're not 23 for another 3 weeks!" He said.
"Close enough."
"Don't make yourself any older than you have to!"
"Johnnie's only barely 22!" I said.
"Yeah, I know. WAY too young for me!" he joked. Then he got more serious. "How's your head feel?"
"Oh, you know -- it hurts all the time. I just forget about it sometimes."
"Sorry I reminded you."
"Well, now you'll just have to think of something to make me forget."
It was twilight. He looked around and stepped into my embrace and we kissed deeply.
"Hey! Get a room!" Came a voice walking toward us. Two hunky boys were coming home from football practice. I wasn't worried, though, as the second voice, my brother, Joe, said "But I wanna watch!"
Joe and Aaron were laughing as they came nearer. They sound so much alike that it was impossible to tell who said what -- until I said, "You REALLY want to watch?"
"Well, yeah -- no -- I mean -- hell, Tone, I mean -- yeah!" It was Joe.
"Well, sorry -- but no deal. Way too close to your mission."
"Hah!" Said Aaron. So I can watch?"
"No, silly!" quipped Ben. "You -- little brother -- are way too impressionable!"
"Hey -- fuck you!" Said my little virgin brother.
"I think these two came from football practice, Tone-Tone!" Said Ben, purposely calling me what Aaron does sometimes. "Hey! Can I call you that?"
"NO!" pouted Aaron.
"I love you kid!" Said Ben, fluffing his hair.
"I know!" Said Aaron boldly. And then barely audibly, "Me too."
A week later, we invited Ben Hastings over for dinner. We told him we had someone we wanted him to meet. Johnnie was staying in Aaron's room and Aaron got the upper bunk in Joe's room. The two of them had been lately staying together at night anyway. I think I figured out why, but I wasn't going to say anything unless it seemed to be a problem. Brothers often enjoy wanking together!
We told Johnnie too that someone was coming over to dinner -- to meet him. He yawned and said, "Oh. Okay" as if it was no big deal. But both Ben and I -- and the boys -- noticed how he took great care in getting ready.
When Ben Hastings Arrived, Johnnie was waiting, purposely nonchalantly in the other side of the living room from the door. His freckled face was nearly polished to a high sheen and his strawberry blond hair looked like a halo, it shone so bright. He had a pair of stretch jeans on with a peach colored, ribbed tee shirt.
The knock came.
I opened the door. Standing before me was like a ghost of the past. Except for the extreme loss of weight, his appearance shook my very soul -- and maybe a few other parts of me. He was clean shaven -- which meant that there were no freckles at all yet on his face, and his newly -- and cleanly cut hair was a darkish shade of the blond I knew. It had not lightened up with the sun, as it had when I knew him better.
He had light colored linen pants on, that were maybe a size too large, but the bunched waistline and the webbed belt, low hanging from being too large as well, gave him a gaunt look -- like he was a Calvin Klein model. He had a gold silk tee and a woven linen sport jacket, and his feet were sockless with Dr. Martin canvas and golden tanned leather sandals.
When I opened the door, he gave me his trademark half smile. My tummy did a quick flip-flop before I could stop it. I first looked at my Ben and I was happy to see him blink and swallow hard. Then I invited Ben in, and he stepped past me. My mother almost gasped -- as if this couldn't be the same guy that was here a week ago.
Ben looked around the room, stopping at my Ben. "This is Ben Fisk." I said quickly. "Ben -- Ben!" everyone snickered.
Then he looked at the other end of the living room. When their eyes met, both their mouths came slightly open. Ben's half smile returned and Johnnie's mouth drooped open a little more and I think maybe a little drool slipped out. Everyone seemed in suspended animation for a split second.
"Ben, this is my friend, John Weinberg."
Johnnie stepped forward and offered his hand in typical missionary fashion. "Please, call me Johnnie." They were practically inseparable the rest of the evening. When Ben left, he whispered in my ear,
"Man, I have a passion for Mormon Missionaries -- I guess!" I laughed. And hugged him goodbye. Of course Johnnie walked him to his car. I wanted to go too -- but had to only guess what kind of goodbyes might be exchanged at Ben's car.
My brothers told me that they went and watched from their darkened bedroom. "They stood with their arms around each other for about 15 minutes; it looked like they were not talking. But then they kissed -- on the lips -- and hugged closely before Ben got into his car and drove off. Johnnie stood and watched for at least five minutes after Ben had disappeared." Said Joe.
Aaron added, "Then Johnnie almost skipped into the house."
Notes: Isn't it strange how someone you grew to love in one book, becomes a distant memory in the next -- even if he dies? And isn't it strange how a character who comes back from an earlier chapter -- is so well beloved? Comments welcome. To Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve