This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Tony diMarco -- yeah -- I am he!
(CA) Ben Hastings -- First love
(Maui) Ben Fisk -- First sex (+4 years)
Lucas diMarco -- my dad
Wendy diMarco -- my mom.
Joseph -- my Brother -- 17
Levi -- my brother - 15
Fred Stumpf -- 31 year old inactive member.
Johnnie Weinberg -- LDS Missionary
Ashton Staedler -- New friend
Mike Hoffman -- Ashton's Half-Brother
Geoff Redmond -- Mike's Friend
Rollin James -- Hawaiian High diver & government translator
Grandpa Antonio DiMarco
Grandma Rose
From Ch. 18:
"Tony -- you'll be just fine. I am so glad you asked me in here. You know that I will keep this confidential -- and you have to as well. I don't need your mother worrying about some feelings I had 22 years ago!
"I love you, Dad! You've got to be one in a million!"
"That's probably an exaggeration, but thanks! I love you too, Son."
Chapter 19
"Rollie?"
"Hi Tony! You're still coming Friday -- right?"
"Duh! I can't wait! I have missed you more than I can tell you."
"Maybe you can fly over with Fred."
"Huh?" I said, clearly confused.
"He's coming over so we can practice. He's starting to get his equilibrium back and wants to practice our corkscrew dive. He starts diving again with me in a couple weeks. That dive isn't really all that necessary, but we both like it and -- it is always one that the people are blown away by."
"Yeah -- it's pretty spectacular." I said, not to enthusiastically.
"What's wrong?" He said. "You aren't bothered that Fred and I will still be diving together are you?"
"NO!" I answered too quickly. How could I tell him it wasn't him I was worried about at all. "I mean -- no -- that's not a problem."
"Oh. Okay. Good. Then -- ohhhhhh! You're worried that -- oh I see! You still like him don't you?" he said and quickly said, "I can understand that. You just don't lose feelings for someone over night. Well, okay -- don't travel with him."
"Did you know he has a boyfriend now?"
"NO! Fred? The confirmed old bachelor? When did this happen?"
"Just a couple weeks ago. Well, a few weeks actually. But they got together -- you know, like moved in -- last week."
"Oh! Okay. Well, maybe you can fly with him after all. If you both are -- Does his boyfriend know that you two were kind of -- um -- dating -- before?"
"I don't know. But -- I kind of dated his boyfriend a little myself."
"Hah! You get around, don't you, Haole?" He joked. Well, you do whatever makes you comfortable. I can't wait. I have thought of little besides you since you left -- especially at night!"
"OOOO!" I giggled. "You do that - - too?"
"Do what?" He asked.
"I meant -- but didn't you just say -- I mean - "
"Hahahahaha! Yeah Haole! I think about you when I'm flippin' it! Is that okay, that you're the last thing I think about as I go to sleep? Haha! Maybe I'll make up a song about it!"
"Oh, please don't! I'd hate for anyone to find it by mistake."
"Oh, my songs aren't written down."
"That one you sang to me -- you haven't got it written down?"
"Naw. I only made it up for you. I can remember it!"
"But it's so beautiful. I know that I'm not the only one who would - "
"Tony -- that song is only for you! No one else."
"Sigh! You are stealing my heart -- you know that, don't you, Rol?"
"That's the preferred effect! Haha! Oh! I didn't think of this before, but -- Fred always stays with me when he comes over. We probably won't have the privacy we'd like. Shit!"
"I think that's the first time I ever heard your cuss!"
"Well, sometimes there's nothing else that says what you feel. Damn! I really wanted some time alone with you -- this weekend!"
"I'll talk to him." I said.
"What -- I mean -- what can you say to - "
"Maybe I'll suggest he bring Ben over -- for a super date. Ben likes that scene."
"As long as it doesn't get as super as your's was!"
"What? Oh -- the attack. No, I doubt he'll take anyone there again. Anyway, I'm glad you're still excited to see me - "
"You're joking right? Of course I'm excited!"
" -- and that you think of me when you're - - gong to sleep."
"That's a given. Speaking of which, I need to get to sleep. Got an early shift in the morning."
"I wish I could say the same."
"Think about what I suggested. You can find work here as easily as there -- easier actually."
"I'll think about it. You're making my decision easier all the time! Good night my sweet Hawaiian Boy. I -- really, really love - - what we have!"
"I really, really love you!"
"Yeah, I guess that's what I was trying to say."
"It's hard for you, isn't it? I won't push you. Except to tell you -- my mind is made up."
"Heh! Like that's not pushing me! It's okay. It feels good to be -- so well -- um -- thought of. G'night Dude."
"Night Sweet Haole. You think of me too -- k?"
And he was gone. I DID think of him. I jerked it for a long time, because I couldn't get myself to think of him in any vulgar way. He's got to be the sweetest guy I ever met. Why am I being such a butt about telling him -- that I love him. I know I do.
"Fred?"
"Oh, Hi Tony." Said Fred. In the background I heard, "Is that Tony? Tell him hi!" Then Fred said, "Did you hear that?"
"Yeah. Hi back! Um -- I had an idea. Um -- can you make something up that we were talking about?"
"Um -- well, I'll do my best. He is right beside me now."
Then in the background, "Oh! If you two need to talk, I'll go into the other room."
"Okay, he's gone, Tony. This better be good. I'll have some explaining to do."
"It's not that big a deal. Fred, why don't you bring Ben with you this weekend to Honolulu?"
"Aha! You want some time alone with the Roll-ster, don't you?"
"Am I THAT transparent?" I laughed."
"Actually I'm way ahead of you. We're staying at the Royal Hawaiian again."
"Very cool!" I said.
"Why don't you fly over with us? That would be fun!"
"What time are you going?"
"I work `til 5:00. How about a 6:30 flight?"
"That'll be fine." I said. "Haha! This is so cool! Bye!"
I was at the Hawaiian Air Terminal at Kahului Airport at 6:00 PM. It wasn't necessary to be there that early, but I never liked waiting `til the last minute. I thought Fred was like that too, but he was nowhere in sight. Maybe he was picking up Ben. So I headed to take care of business in the rest room.
As I was standing at the urinal relieving my bladder, I was aware of someone coming out of one of the toilet stalls. He walked behind me then stopped. That stopped me from peeing. All I could remember was a dark form passing behind me. I somewhat froze. After my experience in that bar, I was probably just being paranoid. I rationalized that the wash basins were behind me, so he must have stopped to wash up.
Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. It scared the hell outa me -- startled me. I was still standing with my dick out and only half done peeing. I freaked out. I screamed. No -- not like a girl! But I cried out.
"Shit!" he said. "I'm sorry, Tony! It's me -- Fred."
I turned around and stared at him. Then he looked down at my still protruding dick and laughed. "You scared the shit out of me!" I was so relieved, that tears came to my eyes. Even with my dick out, he grabbed me and hugged me.
"I'm so sorry! That was stupid of me. I should have known you didn't see me. I feel so bad!" He was looking up into my eyes and he only had to stand a little higher -- on his tip-toes -- to be eye to eye. And that's what he did. But he didn't stop there. He put his lips on mine. I kissed him back.
Then reality set in. I sprang back and said, "Fred! What are you -- er -- we doing?" I started to zip up then I realized I still had to pee more. I turned around and let it go, while saying, "Fred, we just can't do that!"
"I know. It just happened. It won't happen again. Once again -- sorry!" He turned and washed his hands and walked out leaving me to finish up.
I walked out and found him sitting in front of the terminal. I sat beside him and for a few minutes, the silence was deafening. Finally I said, "Where's Ben?"
"He's not coming."
"What!? Why not?"
"We had a fight." He said grimly.
"Oooo!" I sympathized. "Already?"
"Yeah. I kind of went off the deep end when he expressed concerns about taking a hotel room together."
"That bothered him? Does he feel intimidated because of your -- job and stuff? You know I was."
"No, it wasn't that. He doesn't want to appear to be staying together."
"But -- you ARE staying together!"
"I know -- and I told him that. He said that in our place we can look like we are just house- mates. We do have our own bedrooms! I didn't think it would bother me -- but he still goes to church. And he's pretending that he's -- not doing what we're doing -- while he's there."
"Wow." I said. "I don't go regularly, but when I go, I don't tell everyone I am gay -- well, I think they know, but -- I don't go out of my way to broadcast I am sexually active."
"But I think he leads them to think he is still -- being celibate."
"Well, I hope people don't see me that way -- I don't try to be hypocritical, but -- I can surely understand it." I said.
"You can?!" Fred said
"Fred, both Ben and I have served missions."
"Yeah -- remind me of that! I had already had my farewell when I screwed up." He said bitterly.
"I'm sorry, Fred. I didn't mean to bring you down. But the fact remains -- we both have served for two years. That does something to a guy. If you think you feel guilt - "
"Who said I feel any guilt?" He said a little too defensively.
I felt backed into a corner for a moment. Then it was crystal clear to me. I looked at him. He looked away. "Fred." I said softly.
He looked at me fiercely, but then his mouth wavered and he looked away again. "Fred -- it's okay. You don't always have to be mister cool. Just let it go."
"Huh?" He said, by this time his whole face was shaking. I touched his hand. "Tony -- I don't want him to see me like this." He said, his voice high and cracking.
I turned and hugged him. He clung to me like a little kid. I've never seen him quite like this. He sobbed then snurfled it up. "Tony, my whole childhood existence was preparing for my mission. I was so psychologically and emotionally ready to go. It would have been the first time I was away from my parents, and I was half scared to be sure, but so excited I could hardly stand it. I rationalized that I could stay clean for the two years and when I got back -- then maybe I'd see about some therapy. You know where - "
"Yeah -- where you become miraculously straight."
"Yeah. (Sigh!). I wanted to go -- to serve my mission so desperately."
"It was an escape." I said.
"Wha -- what?"
"It was an escape. I talked to a lot of guys out there. I told very few that I was gay. But so many of them felt the same -- gay or straight. They loved God and were in love with their mission."
"That's how I felt!" He squeaked.
"But nearly all of my comps told me that they thought about girls all the time. They had such guilt! Some even told the prez. I could hear some of them jacking off at night. I like to think they never heard me but -- well, that's probably just silly. Luckily -- for me and for Ben -- neither of us had a gay companion. All our comps were straight. I know that if I had a gay comp -- and if he came on to me -- I would have -- cracked."
"What if he was grotesque -- or fat -- or -- I dunno -- just a nerd?" I gave him the look. "I know -- I'm sorry -- I'm just that shallow!" He said defensively self deprecating.
I grinned. "Yeah, like I could call someone else a nerd!" I laughed. "Fred, seriously, there was only one comp I didn't really get to know -- and love -- like a brother. Like a best friend, really. It didn't matter what he looked like. If any one of them had been gay -- I'd have either had to come home early -- or carry even more guilt with me for the rest of my mission. Other than that -- my mission was a time I could focus - - mostly - - on service. So -- it was an escape -- from the chaos that was trying to balance my gay feelings with my desire to -- to -- do what I thought a guy should be doing."
"I wanted that escape. I never thought of it that way, but -- that's what I wanted." He said. "But I had to screw it up the day before I was supposed to fly to the Mission Training Center. I had heard so many great stories about the MTC. How you came in with your parents to a very spiritual meeting -- often presided over by a general authority -- sometimes even the prophet -- and then when it was time to go, all the missionaries filed out one door and their parents out another - never to see each other for another two years. It was emotional and exciting and -- scary -- all at once. That's what everyone said who had been on a mission. I wanted that so bad."
"That's all true, but -- Fred -- and I don't want to hurt you even more -- but -- being on a mission -- even with all the chaos and confusion that goes on inside US -- brings you closer to God. Fred -- it sometimes is so hard to accept myself as I am! There is so much conflict! On one hand I don't feel that I am condemned -- that Christ forgives my weaknesses. On another I feel like there is nothing to condemn. That this is not a weakness -- or a sin -- or anything like that. But on another I have a lifetime of teaching - - that makes me feel guilty."
I stopped a moment and squeezed his hands. "My mission intensified all of it. It intensified the love I had for God, the love I had for those I served and -- it intensified the guilt!"
"So -- are you glad you went?"
"Most of the time. But Fred -- what I'm trying to tell you is -- even though I can't quite make myself appear to be what I'm not -- and like I said, I don't go out of my way to show off my gay side at church -- I understand what Ben is going through. He served two years as a missionary, then came home and was the Elder's Quorum President when I started back after I lost Ben Hastings. He has a lot of stuff to live with and to -- get over. Give him some slack, Fred."
"You -- you really think I should?"
"Yes. And -- LET HIM SEE this side of you. TELL him how disappointed you are not to have served a mission. And - - " I paused.
"And - ?" He said.
"Call him and ask him to come. I'm sure that Rollie wouldn't mind if you both stayed at his place." I actually was crossing my fingers when I said that! "Call him and tell him how much you want him with you this weekend."
He looked at me with -- surprise at first then he shook his head. "God I love you, Tony diMarco!" He said and came in again for a kiss. I tilted my head slightly then - - turned away.
"Thanks!" I said. "You know I love you too, Fred."
He pulled out his blackberry and shakily keyed in a number. "Hi." He said, humbly. "Huh? What!!?" He exclaimed. "Oh, Ben! Oh yeah, I feel the same way! I'm so sorry! I just -- came unglued -- I guess. I shouldn't - no -- it was MY fault! And Tony says we can -- that -- huh? What? You WILL??!!" Tears sprang to Fred's eyes. "Okay! Yeah -- I'll wait! Yup! At the airport. I don't care! I'll find something to do. Maybe I'll meet a cute guy -- KIDDING! See you in a couple hours!"
Fred closed his blackberry and gave me a stunned and happy look. "God I love you, Tony diMarco!" He repeated and this time he hugged me close. "He's coming on the next flight. He's staying at the Royal Hawaiian with me!"
We were called to our plane. We sat next to each other on the crowded plane and in the short time it took to fly from Kahului to Honolulu, we didn't talk much. We got off the plane and I picked up my bags and when I got to the transportation area, Rollie was grinning ear to ear.
My heart skipped a beat then started beating faster. I ran to him, and when I got to him, I stopped cold. "Omigosh, I didn't know I missed you so much! You look great!" I said. If possible his grin even got wider.
I resisted the urge to pick him up, but I hugged him like a brother I had not seen in years. He laid his head on my chest and almost purred. "Great to see you too, Haole." He whispered. "Where's Fred? I thought he was gonna be with you."
"He was and -- he actually is in there, but he's waiting for Ben. Ben came on the next flight."
"Cool! We'll have a little time to ourselves before they come."
"You know that they'll be staying at the Royal Hawaiian -- right?"
"Yeah, and I suppose they'll go check in before they come to my place. You -- seem -- quiet somehow. Are you feeling okay?"
"Yeah -- um -- fine." I said.
"Yeah, uh-huh. Your first greeting to me was more convincing. What's wrong?"
"I -- uh -- well, - um -- nothings really wrong."
"Well -- obviously something is bothering you." He said, more concerned than I liked. "If you don't feel like you can share it with me - "
"Sigh!" I looked down a second. "I kissed Fred." I said, feeling defeated and dirty.
"And - -?"
"And?" I said incredulously. "Isn't that enough?"
"Whew!" He said. "Well -- maybe that depends on where you kissed! Do I wanna know?"
"Rollie -- he kissed me and I kissed him back!"
"And - - ?" He saw the dismayed and confused look on my face and continued. "I am assuming you mean - - not on his cheek. You kissed his mouth?" He asked.
"Yes." I said, again looking at the ground.
"Okay -- well -- um -- I kiss him -- on the lips -- every time I see him. We're buds!" Said Rollie.
"This kiss involved tongues, Rollie!" I said, dismayed that I had to spell it out to him.
"Oh!" He said, finally looking a little taken aback. "Yeah -- um -- I don't kiss him like that. Matter of fact, you're the only one I've ever kissed like -- um -- that's not gonna be a normal thing between you two - - is it? I mean, I assume by the way you have been acting that you -- are -- embarrassed or something about it."
"No. It won't be happening on a regular basis."
"Good. Gosh, Tony! The way you were acting, I thought you were going to break up with me. Don't scare me that way."
"Don't you even care -- that I kissed him?"
"Of course I do. But -- I could also see that you were bothered by it. And you've told me that you won't be making it a practice. Is there something else I need to know?" He asked.
"NO!" I said. "I mean -- no."
"Good. Um -- where were you when he kissed you?"
"At the airport in Kahului."
"I see. Well, maybe I'd feel a lot better about it if you would kiss me at the Honolulu Airport! Then we can go home."
I felt such a relief that I almost fell into his arms and kissed him probably way too deeply for a public place. when we were through, his eyes were closed and kind of fluttering inside his eye lids. "You -- you -- didn't kiss him like that -- did you?" He said, his eyes still closed.
"Not even close!" I averred.
He opened his eyes and smiled up at me. "Good! Let's go home! I want even more than that -- I have dreamed of it -- of YOU -- ever since you went home!"
When we got back to his place, something seemed different. He took my overnight case to his bedroom and pulled me in too. Then he kissed me even deeper, and pulled me to the bed. "Where's your mom? Isn't she due home any minute?"
"She's at my sister's house."
"Oh! Just for the evening?" I said.
"She lives there now. She decided when I was in California that I needed more privacy. And my sister really wants her to help out with her little girls."
"Oh. That's cool. Then that's what was different. I can't smell the normal cooking smells."
"Shut up and kiss me again!" He said, then giggled. And if you're nice to me, "I'll let you smell something better than my mom's cookin'!"
I knew he was talking abut the smell of his smegma. I had dreamed about his uncut meat every night I was away from him. What is it that I like so much about that?
"I'll bet you could use a shower after your long day traveling, Tony!"
"Yeah, I really could. But -- I don't think I can remember how to adjust the temperature."
"I may be able to help you with that!" he said, giggling.
I love Rollie's childlike innocence and I would do nothing to rush our relationship faster than he wants. And having given myself so quickly to Ben Hastings -- even though I loved him so desperately -- I want to save that part of me -- for the guy I am likely to stay with. But sometimes there is an urge -- a deep itch -- a craving deep inside me -- that can only be satisfied -- "scratched" -- in one way. I want that so much -- with Rollie. But I can wait -- for both our sakes. Our shower was sweet and fulfilling.
When we came out of the bathroom, there was a wonderful smell in the house. "Mom?" Said Rollie. No answer. "Looks like she dropped off some stew." Said Rollie, nonchalantly. He didn't seem bothered by it at all. With all the noise we were making in the shower, I was supremely embarrassed.
"Do you -- um -- think your mom will come by like that often?" I said, as evenly as I could.
"Oh -- did that bother you -- that she may have heard us?" I turned red. "I don't know what to say. I can't lock my own mother out." He said like he may have said, "Pass me a mango, please."
I smiled. "Maybe if she heard us, she will be more careful next time -- to knock or something."
"She probably did knock. She wouldn't just barge in. And as you said, if it bothered her, she probably will be more careful next time. But -- I doubt it did bother her any. I can remember her and my father going at it when I was little. And I was in the same room. We don't think of sex as something dirty. Sacred, yes, but not dirty. So if a boy or girl sees his parents loving each other -- they know that mom and dad are getting along -- maybe."
"I'll try to keep that in mind. I don't think I ever heard my parents. I walked in on Grampa and Nana a few weeks ago. I never thought anyone that age would be -- haha! I guess I have a lot to learn! Come to think of it -- they didn't seem that much bothered by it. Yeah! I like that concept. They were definitely loving each other."
Rollie's phone went off and it was Fred saying they would be here in 30 minutes, after which he wanted to take us all out to dinner. Rollie told him okay. "We'll put Mom's stew in the fridge and eat it tomorrow for lunch or something."
"Where are we going?"
"I dunno, but knowing Fred -- and I know you do -- it'll be somewhere nice."
"I didn't bring anything except jeans and shorts."
"Clean jeans will be good anywhere in Honolulu -- with a decent shirt. And I probably have a muscle shirt and a casual shirt you could wear over it. I'd love to dress you, Tony!" He giggled.
"I'd rather you undressed me!" I said.
"Let's not waste time!" he said and he jumped on me. We were both in nothing but skivvies, so his warm, dark skin felt good and looked good contrasted with my lighter haole skin. He wrapped his legs around my torso and I backed up to a wall and we commenced a wet, deep and passionate kiss. My hands were under his butt and that put our crotches into close proximity, and they were communicating in their own language.
"Geez, you sure flipped a switch inside me, Tony! I can't get enough of you!" he said and he wrapped his arms around me and held me close. I could feel wetness on my abdomen, where something was pressing through his underwear. "I want you so much I can feel it in every fiber of my body." He said and kissed me again.
I stood there, leaning on the wall, holding this delicious little Hawaiian close, wondering exactly what he "wanted". Could he crave what I am craving -- not having experienced it - - yet? I didn't have to wonder long. He pulled far enough back to look into my eyes.
"Tony, I know patience is supposed to be a virtue, and -- I will try to be as patient as I can, but I don't want to leave any doubt in your mind. I'm willing to wait until you're ready to -- to -- commit more -- um -- permanently. I don't understand how each time we meet, I feel like I'll explode if I feel any more deeply about you -- love you any more -- but each time, I am surprised that the intensity grows, even though I didn't think it possible that I could stand anything more intense. And -- it feels good."
"Rollie, I - "
"No, let me finish, please?" He said. I nodded. "I have heard about how guys get hurt -- well YOU told me that you wanted to die when you lost that first Ben guy. I can't imagine what that might be like. I don't EVEN want to find out. I don't want to hurt like that. And yet -- I am willing to risk it -- because I want you that much." He paused for a moment and then said, "Now - - what was it you were gonna say?"
I pulled him close, holding his head and face in the crook of my neck. "You're right, Rollie. I have been hurt -- bad. I feel the need -- er -- want too -- maybe just as much as you. But I'm afraid of getting hurt again maybe and - - I don't want to cause you to have to experience what - " Talking about it brought back some of the pain. " -- what I have and - "
" -- and what you ARE experiencing -- aren't you, Tony. It still hurts, doesn't it? I mean thinking about Ben."
"Rollie, I don't want to - "
"No, it's okay -- really, Tony. I don't pretend to understand it, but I know that you feel it. I just want to help you feel better about it -- if that's possible. Did I make it clear how I feel, Tony? I don't want you to have any doubts."
I almost crushed him against me. "No, I think I know what you are telling me. It's just scary -- that's all."
"I can tell it is, Haole. And to some extent it is to me too. That's why I'm willing to wait until you feel better about us to - "
Something snapped inside me! My 11th grade psychology, my experience and my gut all combined to overwhelm me with it! It came like a light to my spirit. It came to me in a split second:
I have to risk it all to have it all.
"I'm ready!" I said.
"Huh?"
"I'm ready -- to commit -- or whatever you need."
"I -- I don't understand." Said Rollie, squirming out of my embrace, his feet on the floor. He looked up at me with almost pleading eyes. "What exactly are you telling me?"
I'm telling you that -- I want you too -- forever. You asked me if I wanted to move in with you. I -- I -- YES! I do! Lots of people do this at 22! It's not as if we're still teenagers. Am I still welcome to -- to move in with you?"
He looked deeply into my eyes -- as if to see if I really meant it. "Yes." He said calmly. He grinned and then shouted, "YES!!!" He laughed and then said, I'd love to celebrate right here and now, but Fred and his - "
"Knock knock knock!"
"Heh! That must be them now."
"Yeah -- either that or it's your mother."
"Heh. She wouldn't knock!" He giggled then at my look, said, "I'll get her key from her tomorrow," as he opened the door.
"Who has your key?" Said Fred. "a `HER'?"
"My mom. You know she used to live here."
"You mean she moved?" Said Fred. "You suck!"
"Well -- I'm trying to learn!" giggled Rollie.
"I meant that you beat me! I just moved out of my parents house -- at 32! And you kick your mom out at 22! What I SHOULD have said was - - - You ROCK!"
Rollie laughed and said, "I didn't kick her out. She just thought it was time and also my sister needed her to help with her kids. And it couldn't have come at a better time. Tony's moving in with me!"
"No shit?!!? Said Fred, then looked at the surprised look on the faces of three Mormon boys. "Oops -- sorry. I got carried away. Anyway -- you two are taking the big step! Wow. This makes me so happy! It like kind of validates us -- doesn't it, Ben?"
Ben was very quiet up until now. "I -- guess it does. There's strength in numbers, Huh? Or is it, misery loves company?"
Fred looked hurt by that. He looked defeated. I quickly wondered if I should interfere.
I decided yes.
"Aw, are you that miserable, Ben?" I asked.
"You understand how I feel -- don't you, Tony? You've been on a mission. Don't you hold yourself to a higher - "
"I do understand -- kind of. But I don't buy it. You're older than I am -- closer to Fred's age. Either you think what you're doing is okay -- or it's not. If it is, then -- for crap sakes, embrace it! If it's not, then maybe you have a reason to be miserable. I don't buy that though."
Ben looked hurt and a little angry that I would talk to him that way. Fred looked embarrassed. Rollie said, "Well, maybe he just needs a little time to - "
"No, Rollie. I know Ben." I said, clearly telling him to butt out. I would have to apologize later for that. "Ben, I only have known you since September, but we have shared enough, I know where you are coming from."
Ben and I locked eyes and he seemed to be pleading with me about something. I finally said, "Ben -- you need to commit to -- something. Either to the Church -- and those that are there -- or to Fred. I can't imagine how he must feel."
Of course Ben didn't know about the conversation that I had with Fred earlier.
"I feel like you're telling me to -- grow up or something." Whispered Ben.
"I think that some guys never grow up with this kind of thing." I said. "What you have to do -- is -- Be a Man!"
I resisted the urge to say, "Grow some balls!"
"You know what, Ben?" He looked at me, almost cowering at what I might say next. I felt like I was treading on thin ground, but I really like -- in truth -- love -- Fred. And coming from a third party is easier. "Ben, how does the Lord feel about someone who is lukewarm?"
"He hates it! You know I've studied that lesson many times."
"Yeah. I do know that. It was hard for me too. You know what I have that you don't?"
"Balls?" He said. I almost laughed.
"No -- parents that empower me." I said. "My parents really want my happiness first."
"Man, you got that right! My parents are ashamed of me. Oh, they still love me, but -- they love that I am not around, so people can forget that the poor Fisk's boy is gay. I guess you're right. That does color too much of my life."
Then he turned to Fred. "I'm sorry I have been such a pain in YOUR ass, Fred. But I really do like going to church. I love the people there and -- well, at least in the Young Adult Ward -- they love me. They're not as judgmental as at the older wards."
"My dad says that's what it's gonna take." I said. "The older generation grew up despising anything that looked or acted gay. It was threatening to them. It was like if they said or did anything that showed their sensitivity -- men were afraid they would be branded as a homo. Kids today -- and I mean like the ones in the Y.A Ward -- under 30 -- aren't so worried about that."
"Yeah," said Fred. That's a problem for me too. Because now that I'm over 30, they don't want me in that ward."
"You can still come!" Said Ben. "I'd love it if you did!"
"Tuh! As if! I can just see it: `Oh, and this is our gay couple -- who we welcome and love as Jesus has told us we must!' That'll be nice!"
"We don't have to throw it in their faces. And -- Fred, they DO love us. Some because they feel they `should', as you said, but I know most of those people and they are my friends -- girls more than guys, but even a few of the guys are great friends."
"Yeah," said Fred sarcastically, "it's cool to have a gay friend or two isn't it?"
I could see that the problem wasn't all Ben's. I wondered if Rollie and I would start to bicker like that. Probably at least a little. We ARE different in a lot of ways. I was looking at the floor and I guess I looked sad. Rollie was looking between Fred and Ben, quite obviously dismayed.
"Aw Fred, we're stressing out our friends." Said Ben. "We can discuss this later."
"Yeah, you're right," said Fred, putting on his signature smile. "And besides, we have so much to celebrate! These two cutie pies are a couple -- finally, and -- even you and I have come to somewhat of a better understanding. And remember, we came over here to take these guys out to dinner. Let's go out and celebrate!"
Notes: Thanks for your comments. They are always appreciated! Love, Steve