This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Tony diMarco -- yeah -- I am he!
(CA) Ben Hastings -- First love
(Maui) Ben Fisk -- First sex (+4 years)
Lucas diMarco -- my dad
Wendy diMarco -- my mom.
Joseph -- my Brother -- 17
Levi -- my brother - 15
Fred Stumpf -- 31 year old inactive member.
Johnnie Weinberg -- LDS Missionary
Ashton Staedler -- New friend
Mike Hoffman -- Ashton's Half-Brother
Geoff Redmond -- Mike's Friend
Rollin James -- Hawaiian High diver & government translator
Grandpa Antonio DiMarco
Grandma Rose
From Ch. 17:
"I think I'd like a shower before bed." Said Rollie.
"Me too. There are towels in there. You can use the blue ones. You first, then I'll go in."
When Rollie came back with his towel wrapped around him, his black hair glistening and his face shining -- in more than one way -- I pecked him on the lips and went to take my own shower.
When I got back, Rollie had turned on the table lamp next to the bed and turned off the overhead. He was sitting on the chair and as soon as I closed the door, he started to strum his uke. He played and sang my song to me again. When he was finished I had sweet tears in my eyes.
"I was going to use that to get you, but it was so much more poignant -- for me -- singing it just to show you how I love you!"
We climbed into the bed together and kissed and cuddled for some time then went to sleep.
Chapter 18
Before going to sleep, Rollie said to me, "Thanks for letting me be your boyfriend at least for tonight. Hee hee, it made it much more convenient to have a place to stay for the night."
He said it in a humorous way, but -- could tell from his tone that it wasn't all that humorous to him. I answered, "Rollie -- it's more than that. Because of you, I am going back to Hawaii. I don't know how we will see each other as much as I'd like -- you being in Honolulu and I on Maui. But you have made me realize that what I want is not - - here."
He moved away slightly and said, "Um -- you could come live with Mom and me. I know that because of the moratorium on biking down Haleakala you are out of a job anyway. We could go to U of H together."
His tone of voice made it more of a question that a statement.
I moved away a little more and looked into his eyes a moment. Even in the dark I could see the pleading in them. "I'll have to give that some thought, Rollie. I'm not sure I'm ready to move in with a guy. And I wouldn't do it without paying you something. Right now I pretty much get free room and board at home."
I saw the light in his eyes get dimmer. He gives away so much through his beautiful expressive eyes. His innocence blows me away. As a return missionary, I have learned to maybe be more in tune with receiving others' feelings. And because of that same thing, I couldn't lie to him either. "Rollie, my whole being is screaming to me -- especially my body -- that I want this -- crave it, even."
I was going to say more, but he interrupted me, "I don't want to pressure you, Tony -- really! And I guess I am feeling those same hormonal instincts laying here next to you, smelling you and seeing the depth and honesty in your eyes. It is such a turn on for me. If you're coming back because of me then -- I am happy for both of us.
"Tony," he continued, "you're not too sure about yourself yet, and -- well -- I am confident that I could stay with you forever. And I know how unlikely that is if you consider the averages of two people -- especially two guys -- staying together at our age." He moved back closer to me and turned, backing in to me. "For now, I am content to lay here in your arms and dream."
It was impossible for him not to feel my wood gathering strength against his bum. He snuggled up against it, sighed and I don't remember any more until we woke up, except at the feel of his warm skin on my own, I knew that at least one of those penile flexes got us both wet through our underwear.
I woke up when the sun reached through my window. The house was quiet, which was unusual this late in the morning. By "this late" I meant it was only a little after 8, but Nana and Grampa were usually up and around by now. I stretched and yawned then it occurred to me. Wasn't Rollie with me last night? I was alone in my bed. I blinked, stretched and yawned once more then willed myself to sit up. I listened very carefully, but all was quiet.
I got up and peeked out the bedroom door. It was still dark in the house. I went down and there were no noises coming form Grampa and Nana's bedroom, so I peeked in. Their bed was made. "Grampa? Nana?" I hollered. Then I looked down and saw how stained up the front of my boxers were. I quickly stepped toward my room.
"There's a note on the kitchen counter, Tony!" Hollered Rollie from the living room."
Forgetting everything else, I ran out and rounded the wall separating the living room from the hallway. Rollie was sitting -- also in his skivvies -- reading the newspaper. He got up when I came in and his grin quietly told me good morning in the sweetest way. Then I remembered my stained up boxer shorts and looked down with mild horror. Rollie laughed and stood up. His were also pretty stained. We both laughed. "I guess both of our bodies were trying to tell us something!" he giggled.
His hair was still in his face, and he looked like a little boy -- so I told him, "You look like a little boy -- well -- actually, a very sexy little boy!"
We stepped together and wrapped our arms around each other. The warmth of his dark Hawaiian skin sent a jolt of energy through me and he answered my flexing wood. "I think we both need to pee." I said.
"Not me! I just went about five minutes ago. I wasn't going to flush it but forgot and I think maybe that's what woke you up."
"I'm glad you did!" I said and I kissed his mouth.
He grabbed my wood -- a first for him -- and said, "Why don't you go try to pee this away and if it's still an issue, - um - maybe we can figure a way to fix it."
I broke our embrace and went into the kitchen where the note was. It was in a sealed envelope. I opened it.
"Your Grampa and I will be out for most of the day. We should have told you last night, but we are old and forgot! But there is plenty of food in the fridge, if you want to make some breakfast. The keys to the Buick are hanging next to the back door, if you want to go anywhere.
See you later.
Love, Nana."
I looked up. "Um -- wanna take another shower?" I said.
"Your grandparents - "
" -- are gone for the day." I finished his sentence. "You ever been to Disneyland?"
"I've never been to California!" he said.
I ran and got my cell phone and keyed in Dad's number. "Hello -- oh, Tony!" Said my dad. "Heh, did you remember that it's only 5:30 AM here?"
"Oh! I'm sorry, Dad! I was thinking it went to other way."
"It's okay. I was up and getting ready for work. What's up, Boy?"
"Um -- well -- oh! I'm coming home!"
"That'll make your mother happy -- and me too, of course. But I can tell that wasn't why you called."
"You got me! Rollie is here and - "
"Rollie?"
"His mom was the lady that made me well over in Honolulu."
"Oh! What's he -- he's there with you at your Grampa's house? How are they taking that?"
"It's fine dad. It's not as if we -- well anyway, he's never been to California and I was wondering if - - would it be okay to take him to Disneyland?"
"I don't care if you go to -- oh! You want to use the credit card for that?"
"Yeah, if it's okay. I was so little the last time I went and well, he's never been and - "
"Sure. Go ahead. I wish I was there with you. I haven't been there since you were a little kid either! Have fun!"
"Thanks Dad! Tell Mom I love her, and - - I love you too, Dad!"
"Yeah -- me too. Bye."
"We're going to Disneyland!"
"I have enough to pay my own way!" he protested.
"Look! You came all this way to see me -- I want to take you - "
"On your dad's plastic! It's not - "
"I always pay him back." I defended.
"Your pee woody must be painful by now! You better go take care of it! It's doing a number on me too -- hee hee!"
"It's not that bad. Let's shower."
We both ran to the bathroom and while I contorted my boner down to make an attempt to hit somewhere near the toilet, Rollie ran the water warm. He was right! Pissing didn't take away the way my dick was oriented!
I watched as he pushed his underwear down from his hips and was again taken by the beautiful dark color of his skin, and that there was absolutely no tan lines. Even his little uncut (yeah, it was even covered up while he was boned up!) meat was dark brown. I felt something thickish come out of my own.
I stepped into the shower behind him and he looked at my wood. "Wow!" He said. "It's so perfectly white! Well, except for the pink head! Heehee~!"
"I was just noticing how cool your's looks -- all brown and -- covered up!" Another spurt oozed out of me.
"I don't know what's so special about that, but obviously you like it!" He pointed at the glistening drop that hung precariously at the opening of my urethra, and then impishly wiped it up with his finger. He brought it up to his nose.
"Do you mind?" He asked. I shook my head almost gravely. He put it in his mouth, closed his eyes gently and sucked his finger a moment, breathing deeply.
"Your's tastes sweeter than mine." He said.
"You've tasted your own?" I said.
"Duh! Haven't you?"
"I guess I thought I was the only one that perverted." I chuckled.
"Tony?" He said, looking serious and again with pleading eyes.
"Yeah?"
"I've never -- I mean -- I want to -- that is -- Can I -- suck it?" His eyes were as round as marbles and his brown cheeks turned almost purple.
I nodded slowly. He dropped to his knees and took it into his mouth and started to loll it around, grazing it with his teeth.
"Stop!" I said. He looked up at me, stunned. "Maybe -- um -- why don't you let me go first." At his hurt look, I continued. "You're biting me, Babe." I said.
"Oh!" He said, supremely chagrinned. "I'm sorry1 I'm sorry, I've never- "
"That's why I want to do you first -- so you can see how to do it."
He stood up and looked up at me, tears filling his eyes. "I have dreamed of this for so long! And to so completely - "
"SHhhh." I said, quieting him with a kiss. "This is an easy do-over. Watch and learn."
There wasn't all that much I could teach him, but Ben and I had even done anal, so I felt qualified to teach this sweet - - eager boy some of what I knew.
I kissed him again and he looked at me with wide eyes. Based on his remark that mine tasted sweeter, and also on my limited experience with Fred's uncut taste, I braced myself for an initial acrid taste. I lapped at the hole in the top of his foreskin. It wasn't as sour as I expected. He giggled a little. I then took the covered head in my mouth, and uncovered it with my tongue. He fairly was vibrating. I removed my mouth long enough to say, "Breathe Babe!"
When I came back, the head was again covered up, so I did the same thing. I grabbed the loose skin with my hand and gently slid the skin all the way back. It was then that I was hit with a strong dose of his smegma` odor. It tasted like pure sex, not bad but very strong and acrid -- much more so than I remembered Fred's. Then I remembered, Fred's was right after he swam at least 100 laps in his pool. This is the pure stuff, undiluted. I willed myself to not make a face, though I doubt he was looking at my face. I withdrew and holding the foreskin from sliding back in place, I blew hot air on the wetted shaft. He let out an almost growly moan. I did it mostly to give myself a breather, but it had the right effect on him. He started to rub my ears and hair and moaned almost unceasingly.
I had just clamped down on him again when he started to take huge gulps of air and he shot a huge volume of his spunk into my mouth. I swallowed it hard and only lost a bit, which the hot water quickly rinsed off my face.
He collapsed and sliped down the shower wall to a sitting position. Tears were streaming down his face, as he tried to speak. "I -- I -- I - "
"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned.
He let out a long moan and shudderingly said, "Ooohhhh yeahhhhh!. He smiled at me and closed his eyes. He sat there under the water, smiling, and then his smile left and he slumped over. He caught himself and grinned. "Sorry. I can't believe I fell asleep! But I shouldn't be surprised. I do myself all the time - to put myself to sleep!"
I got up and pulled him up. We washed ourselves and it didn't exactly hurt my feelings that he never even asked if he could finish me off, but - - . Then back in my bedroom as we were getting dressed, he said, "I understand it will be better if we wait before I do you. And -- Haole -- I AM going to do you!"
He DOES understand! I smiled to myself.
We rummaged around the fridge and fixed a quick breakfast, then after brushing our teeth, I wrote to Nana that we would not be there for dinner and where we were going.
At Disneyland, Rollie preferred the kiddie rides to the more exciting ones. He refused the high adventure rides like Space Mountain and the Twilight Zone Tower. He later told me he was protecting me -- because my injuries still might have caused me problems. I thought it was sweet of him to worry about me but - -
On the way home he saw a street called "Beach Blvd." He wanted to see what a California beach looks like. It ended up in Huntington Beach. I told him there were better places, but no surfing beach here compares to Oahu's North Shore. We decided that sometime we wanted to travel up the coast of California to see what was so special about it, but maybe that would be another trip. I decided liked the feeling of making long range plans - - with Rollie.
We stopped at a couple other beaches and got out and walked at the beach at Long Beach. It's in the harbor, so there was no surf to mention, but the sand under our feet and Rollies hand in mine felt - - right! We found a Denny's for dinner and then came back home after dark. Nana asked if we wanted to play a game.
We looked at each other and half smirked, then Rollie said, "Sure! That sounds like fun!" Both of us knew that we would be playing a different game later!
That made Nana happy, and whatever makes Nana happy is fine with Grampa! I told them that we would be going home in two days. Grampa said we were welcome to use his car as long as we stayed. I know that -- like Mom and Dad, Nana and Grampa would rather I was straight, but they were very sweet and seemed to really like Rollie a lot.
Well, duh!
We didn't do anything in particular the last day, but we helped Nana with some chores and went shopping with her and Grampa in the afternoon. They took us out to a very nice seafood restaurant near the airport, in anticipation of us leaving the next morning.
Before going to bed, I asked Rollie if he would mind me talking to my grampa for a few minutes in private. Grampa and I took a walk around the block.
"Grampa, what do you think about the church?"
"Think? Well, I believe -- no -- I KNOW -- it's true. I mean that the things they teach are true."
"I -- um -- wonder - - what about their solid stance against homosexuality?"
"Well, you have been on a mission, Tony. What do you believe?"
"We only taught the basics on our missions. We didn't get into this stuff. I believe in the church too, and pretty much all that it stands for. But I can't really find anything scriptural pinning down some of the things that they teach. Ben -- a friend I met in Maui -- showed me something his best friend showed him. They aren't Mormons but many of the other churches teach the same things in regard to sexual things."
Grampa just looked at me with interest. I had not really known him very well, but he made me feel comfortable telling him these things. "Grampa, I have always been shown a certain scripture in the Old Testament telling about a guy `spilling his seed' and being cursed by God because of this. They told us that was how we know that jacking -- er -- masturbation -- is not good. I have felt extremely guilty -- especially on my mission -- but when Ben made me read the whole scripture, what it really says is that God commanded him to impregnate his wife, and instead, he masturbated. He wasn't punished for masturbation, Grampa! Was he?"
"I've heard that one too, Tony. Nope! He was punished for disobedience -- not for the act that they like to cite."
"And another thing, Grampa, there seems to be no specific ban on homosexuality in the old Testament, but Paul's letters in the New Testament seem to be like those we get now from our general authorities. But it doesn't specifically say it is sin. Is that right?"
"Well, Tony, I can't really say that. Paul seems to be pretty adamant that sex with another man is an abomination. But I can tell you this: As far as the masturbation thing goes, I know that those who cite even wrong scripture, are basically wanting to tell people that they should not let that rule your life. And maybe Paul's letters are also that way. Sex in itself should be part of life -- not the reason for living.
"Today, we get lots of ideas from our leaders, but unless they say, `thus saith the Lord', it is not Gospel. Those were, after all, only letters that Paul sent and he may -- probably was -- dealing with run-away homosexuality and wanted to give a strong warning.
"Tony, I can't tell you that being gay is okay, but I can tell you that Jesus died for all sins. If sex between people of the same sex is a sin, it is no worse than most of what goes on today by most people."
I felt a searing burning in my guilt gland, but nodded. He continued. "If you believe the Bible, it says that sex outside of marriage is fornication and that fornication is sin. As far as I know there is no scripture that says that homosexual fornication is any worse than the heterosexual variety.
"Now -- that said, just what is fornication is kind of up for grabs these days. In my day, French kissing -- where you put your tongue - "
"I know what a French kiss is, Grampa!" I smiled.
"Well, anyway, when I was young that was considered sexual. Today, I understand, oral sex is not considered sex! Things are changing and I'm not sure I'm even qualified to comment. But there is still the standard: Sexual intercourse outside marriage is clearly considered a sin -- in the scriptures."
Grampa looked at the hurt expression on my face and added, "Even today there are many young people -- especially in the Church -- who wait until marriage for sexual intercourse. I don't know if they get involved with those other acts, but - - I suppose they do -- at least some of them. Tony -- I know that some people that prefer their own sex are marrying -- and even some of them in a church; not OUR church, but some ministers will perform a homosexual wedding.
"Again, as far as I know, there is nothing in the scriptures that says that is banned. And I, for one, am in favor of it. Not because I necessarily disagree with our leaders, but because I think anything that discourages promiscuity is a good thing. I had a good friend who was a homo. Oh, I guess they don't call them that any more. Gay, I mean. He and I -- well -- heh -- we did some experimenting - "
"What?!! You Grampa?! You did -- what -- I mean -- you um -- did stuff with a guy?"
"Nothing really, but we played around a little. That was when we were 9 or 10. I know a lot of kids did that. I never told anyone, and felt pretty guilty about it for awhile. But as I matured, it wasn't an issue. I was attracted to girls. Tom never grew out of his fascination with the boys. I don't know where he is now, but I never cared that he was a homo -- er -- I mean gay. But many did care and in our small community, he had to leave when he was found out."
"Aw that sucks!" I said. "Oh, sorry, Grampa, I meant - "
"No, you're absolutely right. That sucks! We're supposed to love everyone -- even if we think -- or think we know -- they have sinned. Many boys and girls were caught up in sexual things -- always have been -- but if it was a boy and a girl, it was somehow more okay. Tony, I don't know if I helped you understand anything more, but maybe you learned something. What I want for my family is happiness. And that they know that Jesus died for all sins -- not just those that certain people approve of.
"I'll tell you one more thing. Those who condemn others indiscriminately will be condemned themselves. Well, it looks like we are back home. Be careful Tony. And -- be happy!"
"Thanks Grampa." I hugged him and we went back into the house. I knew Grampa was only trying to help me. And maybe in some way he did. It helped me to strengthen my decision to wait until I was in a committed relationship for going all the way -- anal sex.
As we were flying home, Rollie said, "Was your talk with your grampa good?"
"Yeah. He played a little with one of his friends -- another guy -- when he was young."
"What? He admitted that to you?"
"We talked about a lot of things. After talking to Grampa, I know I want to wait until -- until -- I find the -- the one I want to stay with -- to do anal sex."
"Really?" Said Rollie, seemingly too excitedly.
"Yes(?)" I wondered why he was excited.
"Me too! Tony, I had no plans to do anything with you when I came here. I'm glad we did. I'm glad you were my first. Now I am especially happy that you feel the same about doing - - that. And besides, I know that those that do it like it, but -- sorry, I think I'm gonna have a hard time getting past the poop. Eww!"
"Yeah." I said, deciding to wait for another time to tell him I am not a virgin. I justified what I did -- because Ben Hastings and I WERE committed AND in love! (Even though I was only going with my emotions then.)
We were already holding hands. It was darkened in the plane for a movie, so I felt comfortable kissing his hand. He brought our hands up to his face and put my hand on his cheek, then covered it with his own. Then he sighed, and laid his head on my shoulder. We both fell asleep, and were awakened by a cute Hawaiian flight attendant (guy!) collecting trash before our final descent to Honolulu.
We went back to Rollie's house and his mother had to inspect my facial scars. "You're healing very nicely, Tony. There will probably always be this little scar next to your eye, but it looks more like a natural wrinkle than a scar."
"I'm so glad you were there to help me!" I said.
"Me too! And -- I'm so glad that you and Rollie are still friends." She said and left me and Rollie to ourselves. She lived in Rollie's house -- humble as it is -- and she made her bedroom into an office with a couch that she slept on. She was very unobtrusive to Rollie's life.
We were in the living room, and there was a DVD playing, but as neither of us was watching it, he turned it off and picked up his ukulele and started to sing Hawaiian songs to me. I was embarrassed that I fell asleep. "It's okay. I consider that a compliment to my serenading. I love to sing."
"Oh, Rollie, I LOVE to hear you sing! You can dive. You can sing. I can't do anything!"
"Well, I'm sure that's not true. But you may have to look some more to find your talent. I believe everyone has at least one talent! I can teach you to dive."
"That would be nice, but -- people like to see Hawaiian's dive -- not lily-white boys!"
"You can tan! I saw you!"
"You saw me burn!" I countered.
He then sang to me: "But it turned into a nice brown tan. Of course it looked like brown candy stripes!" He laughed. At my disgusted look, he laughed again, and sang, "Well, at least it was sweet!" I gave him a pouty look. "Haha! I think I can still see some of them!" He said. He didn't laugh at the next comment. He stopped playing and singing. "Of course at that time, I didn't have any idea how sweet you were!" And he took the initiative to kiss me.
When I responded in the appropriate way, he pulled me up. "I think it's time for us to go to bed."
He led me to his bedroom. We undressed and I started to get up in the top bunk. "Nuh-uh! We both sleep on the bottom tonight!" He said. After locking his door, he removed all his clothed and got into the bottom bed, then held the sheet for me.
"Does this make us both bottoms?" I said.
"THAT remains to be seen! But I know this much! I get to get even with you for the other night. Please pretend that I am doing it right!"
I didn't have to pretend. We both had a lot to learn. After spending another night with him, I decided that one of my goals was to make it last more than 30 seconds for him. I didn't have to do much more than breath on him and he was spraying my face. Rollie didn't care. For him, it was the best thing he ever experienced - but I want to show him that it can be even better.
Under his foreskin everything is always very sensitive. I had to be careful not to hurt him. He said he never peeled it back except to clean the goo out periodically. He told me that the first time I did that with my mouth, he didn't want to spoil anything for me, but it was excruciating. Not exactly pain, but an overload of sensation.
He never uncovered it when he jacked off. And when it was soft, the foreskin hung down about an inch past the head. I found that he liked it when I just fiddled with the foreskin, even biting it sometimes from the outside, because it was super sensitive.
After our first night home, Tuesday, I reluctantly went to the airport and grabbed a flight home. Flights around the islands were almost like a bus in other places. We that live here get drastically reduced rates -- even to the Mainland. These are subsidized by tourists. We call it the kama`aina rate. I promised to come back the next Friday night.
My parents were happy I was home. I wasn't gone a long time, but long enough that I found out I didn't want to leave the islands for any extended time.
I had turned off my phone when I was with Rollie, so when I turned it back on, there were three messages from Fred.
"Hey!" I said.
"Did you get my messages?"
"I saw three, but figured I'd call first to see if I could just talk to you. What's up?"
"Oh not that much. Well, unless you count that I moved out."
"Huh? You mean from your parents?"
"Yeah."
"What about the pool and the board?"
"I still can go there to practice."
"I guess there comes a time when you need more privacy, huh?"
"Well, you know -- I'm getting a little old to be living with mommy and daddy."
"Well, I guess I should say congratulations." I said. "So -- are you happy -- with that decision? How long ago did you move and -- where did you move to?"
"It was last week when I got back from California. I moved in with Ben Fisk. Or rather we both moved out and into a nicer place."
"REALLY!!??" I marveled. "How did that happen?"
"My mom prevailed on me to go to church with them a couple weeks ago - because my cousin was singing in the ward. I sometimes go to Mom and Dad's ward anyway, so it wasn't any big deal. But in the hallway, I ran into Ben." He paused a moment then, " Hee hee! I actually tried to duck away. He was dressed in white shirt and tie and I just didn't want to deal with anything. But I was too late. He saw me and almost ran to me. He put out his hand and shook mine like I was his best friend."
"Wow. I didn't know you two were that - "
"We WEREN'T! As far as I knew. I was just a name on a home teaching list to him. He told me he knew that you knew me and wondered if we could get together sometime -- just to talk. Tony -- I promise -- I didn't tell him anything about you and me!"
"It's okay, I -- it wouldn't matter. He knows me well enough to - "
"Anyway, I tried to give him some lame excuse but he lowered his voice and said, `Please? I need to talk to someone! I used to talk to Tony, but he's gone to California.' He told me that he needs so badly to talk to someone who understands."
"I know that song!" I said.
"Yeah, me too. So we went out after my sacrament meeting. He had already finished his church meetings when he saw me. Well, one thing led to another and - "
"Did you guys do - - anything?" I almost whispered into the phone.
"Oh gosh no! Well, not that night. But in the next week, we kept finding reasons to get together. And the first time he kissed me I thought he was gonna have a heart attack, he reacted so wildly. I guess he's been trying to walk the straight and narrow. He told me about that missionary you told me about. Tony, he was in love with the guy! Did you know that they lived together for awhile?"
"Yeah. Johnnie got homesick and maybe feeling guilty, so he went home. Ben called me when that happened. He was all broken up over it."
"Tell me about it! Anyway, in the course of consoling him, we got a little more involved than either of us expected."
"Yeah, I know that one too!" I said.
"So anyway, he was kind of funny about me coming to his place -- he felt like it wasn't good enough for me. Tony, I have to tell you -- that hurt my feelings. But -- actually, what bothered me more was that I felt exactly as he was indirectly accusing me of. I think -- at least subconsciously -- he picked up on my -- my -- I dunno -- disdain (?) or something -- of his house. I feel like crap about that.
"But -- anyway, I suggested we look for a bigger place and share the expense. We got a pretty -- um -- moderate -- apartment with two bedrooms."
"Oh! So you each have your own room. That's nice." I said.
"Yeah, we thought so too. We've never used one of the bedrooms."
"So -- are you telling me that you two are -- going together?"
"Neither of us wanted it -- at first. I just didn't feel worthy -- him being a returned missionary and all and - "
"Omigosh! Is that how you saw me too?"
"No! I mean -- well -- yeah -- maybe a little. But anyway, Ben is just a bout the sweetest guy I've ever met. And what blows me away is -- he feels the same -- about me!"
I could hear the smile in his voice. Here I go again. I am falling more and more for Rollie, but just knowing the Fred may be out of the race as far as I am concerned -- makes me kind of jealous! What's wrong with me? Is this normal for a 22-year-old? My gosh! I even like Ben! What a freak I am!
"I -- I'm really happy that you -- you -- have connected with someone -- er -- with Ben. You're such a nice guy. You deserve the best."
I thought about saying, "Especially at your age", but thought better of it.
I sat on my bed and thought about Rollie, his sweet smile, his small sexy body, his beautiful eyes and - - voice! I imagined him singing to me. Then a vision of Fred and Ben together forced its way into my brain.
Sick!
"Dad!" I called.
My dad was out of his chair and in the hallway in a moment.
"I'm here. Are you - " he looked at me and relaxed. "Are you okay. Your call seemed somehow -- urgent."
"I -- um -- guess it was. Can you talk for a moment."
"Of course son. What seems to be the problem."
"I'm not sure I can even explain it. I'm not even sure you can advise me." I said, already feeling defeated.
"Well, try me. I was your age once -- as ludicrous as that may sound."
"I'm just so confused."
"About - - your sexuality?" He said, almost with a hopeful look.
"Sigh! No. Still gay, Dad!" I said with a tired smile. "But sometimes I feel like such a freak!"
"In what way, Tony?"
"You know that I kind of went to California to -- um - "
"Escape?"
"Well -- maybe -- kind of -- yeah! Really that's true. I felt all these conflicting feelings for about 4 guys. Since coming back, I feel closest to Rollie. I mean, we are practically going -- well, We ARE going together."
"Isn't he the one who is in Honolulu, Son?"
"Yeah."
"That's kind of a long distance romance -- don't you think?"
"Yes. But we've discussed it, and we really lo -- I mean -- like each other a lot. Dad -- I really feel like it's love."
"So what's bothering you, Tony?"
"I just talked to Fred - "
"He's the one who's a couple blocks away?"
"One of them. He told me he and Ben just got together. They are living together now."
Dad sat on the bed next to me. "What? Ben -- the guy that broke your heart?"
"No! It's a different Ben. And -- Ben Hastings didn't break my heart -- I broke his. Then when I realized I screwed up, that's when my heart broke. I broke my own heart." And I felt it deeply again talking about it. "And that's part of the problem, too. Dad, just talking about Ben Hastings still hurts.
"But what's driving me nuts is -- I HAVE a boyfriend -- Rollie -- and when Fred told me that he and Ben Fisk are together now, I was happy for them -- really! But at the same time, I felt jealous! That's just plain stupid. But -- I mean -- is that normal? Or am I some kind of schizophrenic idiot?"
"Are you jealous that they are living together -- and you're not doing that with -- Rollie is it?"
"No! Well, maybe a little, but no, that's not what's bothering me. Is it normal to be feeling jealous about Fred and Ben Fisk? It's like I really love -- Rollie, but still have these deep feelings for Fred and Ben Hastings -- and even a little for Ben Fisk! Can I possibly love them all?" I said, threateningly close to tears.
Dad smiled. "Remind me to tell your mother that one of our son's is grown-up now! Welcome to the adult world, Son!" He laughed. At my confused and even a little angry look, he said, "Tony -- Tony! Yes, it's completely normal!" That was too much for me. Tears started to drop. Dad stood and beckoned to me. I gladly almost jumped into his arms. He held me close and rubbed my back.
"Tony -- at your age, I know -- I DO remember -- almost like it was yesterday. I felt the same. Only I was married -- Two years! But when Harriet and Lorraine -- each in turn -- were married, I felt the same. And I couldn't tell anyone. And -- you CANNOT tell your mother any of this! In time those feelings went away -- almost. "But that's what adults have to deal with.
"And not only that. Someday -- after you have pledged your life to someone -- another woman -- er - I mean guy, in your case -- will sweep you off your feet! And then you have to have the will power to `just say no.' But you have to decide before it happens -- KNOWING that it WILL - - someday - - that you are committed to the one you love and will never break that vow. But Tony -- that is in the future. I promise you that you WILL be able to deal with the strong feelings you are having. At least you don't have to decide about who you will go with. The others kind of decided that for you. But what you have to decide is Ben -- or was it Fred?"
"Rollie. Rollie James." I said.
"Rollie! Yes! Oh!" He pulled away for a moment. "Then is was his mother who helped you get well!"
"Yes." I said. He pulled me back into him. I could actually feel our dicks touching through our pants, but neither of us got even a slight twinge from it. But as he held me so closely -- again rubbing my back -- he said,
"Tony -- you'll be just fine. I am so glad you asked me in here. You know that I will keep this confidential -- and you have to as well. I don't need your mother worrying about some feelings I had 22 years ago!"
"I love you, Dad! You've got to be one in a million!"
"That's probably an exaggeration, but thanks! I love you too, Son."
Notes: Sometimes parents can be a pain, but other times -- life savers! Comments are welcome to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve