Welcome back. As usual, the usual disclaimers, along with the reminder to be safe and to donate to the Nifty Archive.
This chapter begins the final part of the Mayfield Trilogy. This is all about what happens in the year after winning the State Championship. And what better way to start this last leg of the adventure than by having Eric and Noah take their trip to Montana to learn about how they fit into the world of the spirit and of love.
CHAPTER 49 BIG SKY COUNTRY
<Sunday, August 5>
[ERIC]
Noah was certain that our trip to Montana would rid him of the demon that was haunting him. I wasn't so sure. I didn't see how an old Indian out in the mountains of Montana could do what his friends, his family, or a trained psychologist couldn't do. But, I love him and I trust him and I said I would go with him and support him and do whatever I could to make him better. I'm sure that whatever happens up in the mountains couldn't make things any worse.
It's not that things were bad. It wasn't like Noah was always down in the dumps and depressed. Usually he was his usual bright-eyed, smiling, and funny self. But sometimes he would get all within himself and be almost impossible to communicate with. His parents called these events Noah's "moods". I called it Noah's demon.
It didn't happen very often. Things like Bobby's birthday or the day he died or something that reminded him of Bobby would set him off. For some reason us winning State really set that demon after Noah. He got as depressed as I'd seen him since the weeks after Bobby's death. A few weeks after that happened, we got to the anniversary of Bobby's accident and it happened all over again.
No matter how much I tried to get Noah to share what it was that got him into his deep funks, he wouldn't say anything about it. He claimed he could handle everything himself, even though we both knew better. But then, one night in bed he told me about his plan for this trip to Montana. He told me how he was ready to kick his demon's ass. Noah said that when he finished his ass kicking he would be able to tell me what it was that had haunted him. I wasn't going to believe any of this until I saw it happen.
I spent the night before we left at Noah's house. I hugged my mom good-bye, and then dad drove me over to Noah's. He gave me a quick hug as we got my travel bag out of the back of the SUV. I may have just turned seventeen three days ago, but I still appreciated a hug from my parents. I know I'd had my adolescent moments, just like any teen, but I've always appreciated the fact that I had wonderful, understanding, loving parents.
Nicky greeted me at the door and gave me a big hug. Whether the hugger was thirteen or forty-three, hugs were always a good thing to receive. The only thing Nicky was wearing was a pair of pink boxers. Noah was close behind Nicky, which meant another hug, his being the best one of all. I was pleased to see that Noah was naked.
"Dad printed out the train tickets and they are in my bag. I'm telling you now so you won't have to worry about us forgetting them," Noah said as we headed for the patio.
"I was not worrying about the tickets," I said defensively.
"No, of course you weren't. You are not a worry wart and couldn't possibly have been worrying about forgetting the tickets."
He was right, of course. I was going to bring up the tickets first thing, but he beat me to it. I didn't see this as worrying; I saw it as being prudent. It was better to say something about the tickets than to leave them sitting on a desk here in Mayfield.
I saw that Jeffrey was in the pool. Nicky and I stripped off what little we were wearing and joined him. Noah, who was already naked, jumped right in to the pool. It was obvious that the Hurricane was already naked.
"Hi, Eric," Jeffrey said. "Nicky made me happy when he said you were coming."
"Anything that makes you happy makes me happy," I told him.
"Good. Does that mean you'll fuck me now?"
"Jeffrey, behave yourself," Noah said.
"Well, you won't fuck me, so somebody needs to."
"I've been fucking you," Nicky said.
"I know, but you're my boyfriend. You're supposed to fuck me." Ever since Marty took Jeffrey's cherry last month the twelve year old has been obsessed with anal sex.
"Jeffrey, I am not going to have sex with you today. That is my final word," I told him.
"What about on some other day?"
"Let's just say I won't rule it out."
"That's pretty close to a yes, so for now it is okay."
"And if we do have sex, it would have to be okay with Nicholas and Noah, since they are our boyfriends."
"Of course they have to say yes. I'm not a cheater," Jeffrey said, looking a bit hurt.
"I was surprised you had something on when you answered the door," I told Nicky.
"I thought it might be a neighbor or something," the sweet, sexy thirteen year old said. "I wouldn't want her to fall in love with my body."
"What if it was a he?" Jeffrey asked.
"If he was sexy looking, I would have invited him for a swim."
"What if he was a man?"
"Men can swim naked. Or were you worried about me being scared by a big dick?"
"I've been fucked by Marty. He'd have to be pretty big to scare me."
The banter continued as we swam and splashed and played. Lisa showed up about a half hour after I did. She quickly stripped and jumped into the pool with us. She swam over to Jeffrey and started giving him a bad time.
"So, when is the famous Hurricane going to become a true storm and let me take his cherry?"
"Never," Jeffrey replied. "I am a gay hurricane."
"Even your boyfriend likes to suck my tits."
"My boyfriend likes to suck his thumb, too, so now you know how much that means."
Lisa looked over at Noah and me. "He's a sassy little imp, isn't he?"
"That's why I'm called the Hurricane," Jeffrey said, not giving anyone else time to answer.
"Maybe your boyfriend would like to lose his cherry."
Nicky scrunched up his face. "Not with my sister, or any other female member of the species. But I will suck those boobs any time."
"And it's still no for you, Noah? You're sixteen after all. You need to do it with a girl at least once, and with me it's no harm no foul."
Noah fought back the thoughts that suddenly came roaring into his head; thoughts that were fed into his mind by the demon he was ready to conquer. They were the same thoughts he had all too often. His sleeping with his sister, Bobby's early morning phone call waking him up, his being tired and distracted by the happenings that night in his sister's bed, his forgetting to remind Bobby to take his helmet, and then his not calling him right back because he didn't want Bobby to think he was nagging.
Noah shook his head wildly from side to side as if trying to throw the thoughts out of his skull. He swam to the edge of the pool and pulled himself out. "I'll be right back," he said.
"Well, at least I got one of you to be smart and lose his virginity," she said, looking at Eric.
But Eric no longer had his mind on Lisa's sexual teasing. He got out of the pool and followed Noah into the house. Both of the boys didn't dry off and dripped water on the kitchen floor, then on the carpet in the hall, and on the stairs as they went into Noah's bedroom.
A couple of months ago, Noah would have told Eric to go away and leave him alone, and Eric would have turned right around and left. But Noah was now more willing to face up to what was haunting him. He welcomed Eric as he plopped himself on his bed, dampening his bedspread.
"Sorry," Noah said. "Lisa brought up something painful. I just had to leave."
Eric placed his arm around Noah's wet body. "What was it she brought up?" he asked gently.
"I'll tell you soon. I'm just not quite ready yet." Eric nodded as if he understood and kept himself in contact with his lover, who lay prone on the bed with his eyes closed.
After a half hour, Noah turned around onto his back. "I'm good now. Let's go back to the pool."
"You're getting over these bouts a lot quicker," Eric said.
"That's because I have you with me, which I didn't used to think was important. I know this trip is going to work. Trust me that demon will soon be gone—it will be gone forever."
"I trust you. I always have. Now let's go back and swim."
"Before we swim, I need to put my glasses on for a moment."
"Why?"
"So I can stand back, and see all of your beautiful body sharp and clear."
That evening, the McCalls enjoyed family time together out on the patio and the pool area. Seth McCall prepared the barbeque and Carla McCall made salads and other accompaniments. Eric loved Noah's family and how they did so many things together. Tonight, there not only was family, but the partners and lovers of their children were there as well. Even Noah's older brother, Glenn, was there with his boyfriend. Jerome, who was Lisa's boyfriend, was there as was Shane's girlfriend, Tonya. It was an evening full of family, friendship, and love—not to mention plenty of good food.
Not all of the visitors spent the night. Glenn and his boyfriend went to Centralia, where they had an apartment for the summer. Jerome spent the night in Lisa's bed. The two were over eighteen, after all, and they would be living together when they left for college, so forbidding them from sleeping together made little sense to the parents of either of them. All they could do was make suggestions.
Tonya didn't spend the night. Shane and Tonya weren't as close as Jerome and Lisa were and didn't feel comfortable spending the night under the same roof as Shane's parents. Jeffrey and I spent the night, but Jeffrey and Nicky were not in the same room as Noah and me. We talked about the four of us messing around together, but, at Noah's insistence, decided to put if off for another time.
"I want you to myself, tonight," Noah said, as we got ready for bed. "This will be our last sex for a few days. We won't do any on the trip until it seems right."
I felt like telling him there was no way I could be with him for almost a week and not have sex with him, but this was his mission. I had made up my mind to follow his lead for the next week.
"Whatever you say, my love," I told him.
"Wow, you are being very tractable. I was expecting at least a moderate amount of protest."
"Am I that predictable?"
"Yes you are, kid; just one more reason why I love you so much."
"And just who are you calling kid? Last I looked seventeen was a bigger number that sixteen."
"Well, prove to me you're the older one then. Put that pole of yours up my ass and make me cry with pleasure, just as if you were a man."
That is exactly what happened. Sex with Noah is so wonderful. I don't see how I could ever get tired of it. I was hoping Noah would figure how to purge his demon real quickly. I couldn't see me being with him for a week and not having sex with him.
<Monday, August 6. On the road>
[NOAH]
Since we didn't have to be in Centralia until a little after one, there was no reason for us to hurry in the morning. My parents both had to work, as did Eric's. Although all but Eric's father worked in or near Centralia, there was no way we wanted to ride with one of them and hang around Centralia all day waiting for our train.
"You could take train 500 and spend time wandering around Seattle," dad said when we put together our itinerary so he could purchase the tickets.
We both agreed it was something we could do and something we didn't want to do. That settled it. Since it was our trip, we'd do it our way. If we took the 500, dad could give us a ride to the train station, but we elected to wait until later and take train 506.
The first person we asked to take us was Marty. He was eighteen, so he didn't have any license restrictions, plus his summer job had just ended. He and Rich were leaving next week for college orientation and they were happy to have a couple of days off to do what all teens, young or old love, to do, and that was doing nothing. Marty said he would be happy to take us to the Centralia station. He stopped by my house around 11:30.
I thought he would have Rich riding with him, but Dallas was in the front seat instead. Dallas was a fifteen year old sophomore, and was a hell of a good looking kid. I remember when he looked like crap back when he was drinking and using drugs. But, just like Marty did, he seems to be straightening himself out. I know Marty has had a lot to do with that. Dallas helped us load our stuff into the trunk and we were on our way.
"Thanks again for the ride, Marty," Eric said.
"Not a problem. I love helping my friends," Marty replied.
"And it was nice of you to come along, Dallas," Eric said.
"Marty and I are going to go to the afternoon teen meeting in Olympia," Dallas said.
"We'll wave bye-bye while we watch your train go," Marty said. "Maybe shed a tear or two as you fade off into the distance. You know, just like in the movies."
"Marty, you are so full of shit," Dallas said. "No way am I waving bye- bye."
"Okay, then flip them the bird."
"Nice to see that you're going to meetings and taking care of yourself, Dallas," I said.
"I have Marty and Milton and Mr. B all helping me. I get my one year coin next month."
"I thought you already got your one year coin," Eric said. I knew right away that he said the wrong thing and waited for Dallas to get pissed off or something.
"I had to do what Marty called a scientific experiment," Dallas said. "I got dared to drink just one beer by my friend Will. There were six of us at this older dude's house. I should not have gone there, but I wanted to be with the guys I knew. Will plunked a ten spot on the counter and the older dude plunked down twenty. Anyway, I figured if I drank just one, nobody would know. Marty knew the next day when he found out I had the hangover from hell."
"I guess you had more than one," Eric said.
"No shit," Dallas replied.
"How did Marty find out?" I asked.
"I told him."
"The only smart thing he did that weekend," Marty said.
"I was smart enough to learn I couldn't win a bet like that."
"Did you have to pay up?" Eric asked.
"Nah. I think they thought seeing me get wasted was enough payment." He turned and looked back at us. "I'm going to miss Marty when he goes to college."
"You have The Schnoz and Mr. B, plus the phone we paid for to call and text me."
"They're old, though. They don't understand the shit that goes on in school, like taking that bet, and you do."
"You'll be fine, Dallas. Just live in the moment and do it a day at a time. Easy does it, and all that."
Before we knew it we were at the train station. It was about fifteen minutes before train time. The bags we were carrying were small, so we didn't bother checking them.
"Eat at the Iron Horse across the street," I told Marty and Dallas. "Good burgers and lots of train stuff."
"I'll go for the good burgers," Marty said, "but I don't know about the train stuff."
"Just go," I said as we heard the whistle of the Cascades train 506 to the south. Eric and I hugged Marty and Dallas and quickly boarded the train. Within a couple of minutes, the train was accelerating towards Seattle. Our seats were on the station side of the train. Sure enough, I saw Dallas giving us the one finger salute, while Marty waved.
We arrived in Seattle at 3:35, ten minutes early. King Street Station had been undergoing a total renovation. Everybody swore it would be beautiful when it was finished. It was being refurbished to look like it did when it was built over 100 years ago. It was now finished and boy, were they right. It is so beautiful I could almost just sit in the waiting room and admire the beauty for a couple of hours. It was gorgeous. Eric and I waited for the boarding announcement for "The Empire Builder". The train arrived from the coach yard at 4:00, and at 4:15 the boarding announcement was made.
I got up when they announced they would be loading sleeping car passengers. Eric grabbed me to sit me back down and I quickly said, "We're riding coach. This isn't one of your family trips."
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, my dad lied to us," Noah admitted. "When I printed up the tickets, I saw that dad had reserved a sleeping car roomette for us. So, we get to sleep in a bed and not in a seat."
Eric stood up. "How could you forget something like that?" I tried to give him my most sinister smile. "You liar, you just wanted to wait to surprise me. And you talk about your dad being a liar."
I laughed, since what he said was true. Then I hugged him and said, "Happy birthday from dad. Now let's get aboard."
I won't go into detail on the trip, since this is supposed to be about me and Robert, known as Espowyes, "Light on the Mountain", and Eric. I will say the scenery along Puget Sound was wonderful on the late summer afternoon and the trip up to Stevens Pass and the Cascade Tunnel was made even better by the perfectly cooked steaks in the diner.
We had an early breakfast in the diner the next morning and found out we were running about a half-hour late. We arrived in Whitefish just after eight in the morning. Robert was on the platform waiting for us.
I introduced him to Eric and both of my friends put on the charm. I could tell right away that they liked each other, which took away some tension I didn't know I had. When one friend is seventeen and the other one is seventy-four, you really can't be sure how they will hit it off.
We didn't do anything regarding the reason for my visit that day, except for the long talk Espowyes and I had while we walked along the big pond behind his house. He explained to me about what he wanted Eric and me to do each morning.
"You are ready for what you must do," Espowyes explained to me. "Tell the person you love how much you need that love. Tell him to quietly follow what you say and what you do. If he loves you as you say, he will say little and do as you ask."
"He does love me as much as I think," I told him confidently. It was one of the few things I was confident about at the moment.
"From what I have seen today, I believe you are correct. Now we must talk about what it is you need to do over the coming mornings."
We had three, maybe four, mornings to deal with the demon. We were scheduled to take the Saturday train home, but it didn't go through Whitefish until just after six in the evening, so Saturday was available if we needed it.
Eric read while we were gone. I admonished him not to jerk off—I needed him at his peak when the right time came.
After the walk the three of us had lunch. After lunch we went swimming off of the dock. Eric and I went canoeing after we got tired of swimming. The pond is really pretty big, but apparently not big enough to be a lake. I'm not sure what the size difference between a pond and a lake is supposed to be.
We had a wonderful casserole for dinner. "A casserole is always guaranteed to fill everybody," Robert said. This trip was the first time I had eaten his cooking, and I must say I was impressed.
When we finished cleaning up after dinner, Robert surprised me by asking Eric to accompany him for a walk. Robert had told me that he wasn't going to tell Eric anything about what we were going to do, and here he was asking Eric to take a walk with him—alone. If he had asked us both, it wouldn't have bothered me, but taking just Eric made me think Robert hadn't been completely upfront with me. I signaled Robert that I wanted to talk to him as Eric left to use the bathroom.
"I thought Eric wasn't supposed to know anything, that all he needed to know was to be quiet and follow me. And that I was going to tell him that."
Robert put his hand on my shoulder. His demeanor changed subtly. I could see him becoming Espowyes, my spiritual advisor. "Be calm my young friend. This kind of unnecessary emotional outburst is not becoming of you. I am a man of my word and that will not change this evening."
I admit I felt a bit chagrined. I was so desperate to have this visit work, I was losing my focus, the focus that I was going to need if I was going to succeed in my endeavor. "I apologize, Espowyes. I guess I feel...I don't know...it's like I feel a lot of pressure."
"Son, there is no pressure. The pressure was your bottling up your feelings and emotions. That is the pressure. All you are doing here is relieving the pressure." I heard Eric come out of the bathroom, but he stayed out of my line of sight. "I am going to learn about your very special friend. I want him to be more than a handsome face and a lover of my cooking. Preparing him for the morning...that will be your task. Meditate, read, think while we are gone. Think about the wonder your mind is about to experience and about your lifetime of happiness."
He gave my shoulder a tight squeeze and flashed his beautiful white- toothed smile. My thought that moment was a wish that my teeth looked that good when I was his age. I knew they were his natural teeth, which made them all that much more beautiful.
I walked out on the back deck with Robert and Eric, standing at the rail as they disappeared into the thick woods near the pond. They were on the same trail Espowyes and I had taken that afternoon. To me the old Indian was Espowyes when we dealt with matters of living, of the mind, and of the spirit. He was Robert when he picked us up at the train station or cooked us a tasty casserole. But whatever his name at the moment, he was always my friend.
Tomorrow morning would begin my true quest to convince myself of the truth of what happened on that July 18th. After my outburst with Robert, I wondered if I was as ready for this as I thought I was. I wondered, as well, how ready Eric would be to do what I would be asking him to do.
[ERIC]
Robert and I walked on a path that took us through the woods and along the shore of the pond. Why it was a pond and not a lake is beyond me, but I didn't know enough to argue the point. So far on this one day I've learned a lot about the old Native American and I've gotten to like him very much. I could see why Noah worshiped him. He fed right into the spiritual being that Noah was trying to nurture.
Robert asked me about myself. He had an easy going way of asking for information that had me telling more than I intended to. He found out about my move to Mayfield, my baseball playing, my starting up the Go to State Team, my relationship with Scott and how that ended, and how Noah and I had become boyfriends.
"He is a good man, your Noah," Robert said. His use of the word "man" surprised me. Noah was sixteen and I was seventeen. Even my teenage ego didn't equate us with being men, although I knew a lot of my peers saw themselves as adults.
"I love him a lot. He usually is on such an even keel. But often there is something having to do with Bobby's accident that eats away at him. The worst part is he refuses to tell anybody what it is." For some reason, it seemed natural to put my complete trust in the man. Maybe it was because I knew he had earned the trust and admiration of Noah.
"Thank you for trusting me with those words. He will tell you everything."
"When?"
"When you are ready to listen, but before you leave here."
"We're here for less than a week."
"True, but I know he is ready to tell. We talked about it for a long time on our walk. He just needs you to be ready to listen."
"But I am ready," I protested. "I've been ready for a long time."
"If the two of you had been ready, you wouldn't need to be here." Robert had the same way of throwing my words back at me that Noah had.
"So what am I supposed to do tomorrow morning when we have this session you two have planned?"
"Nobody has planned any session. All you will have to do is listen with your love and listen to his love. I will tell you no more."
"I know you ran this big hotel in Whitefish, but you act more like you're a psychologist."
"I did more than run it. I was a part owner. As for being a psychologist, I have a PhD in psychology."
"But, Noah said you had an MBA from Stanford."
"I do."
"I don't get it. Why both?"
"The money was better in business," Robert said with a big laugh. I realized even more how much I liked this man, and how much I trusted him.
We talked about what Noah and I were planning after high school.
"We're thinking of the University of Washington. Noah wants to be a doctor, and I'm still not sure of what I want. We're going to apply there for sure and we have some other places in mind. Our grades are good, we're both active in school affairs, I think we can get into where we want to go."
"I have connections at Stanford. You may want to consider that as well."
"Oh, wow. That's way above what small town boys usually think of."
"Small town boys need not have small minds," Robert said.
We talked more about college and the future and about the relationship between Noah and me. Robert thought we were a beautiful couple, a pair that seemed perfect for each other.
"I have been a mentor and friend to many," Robert said. "I have many modern skills to go with a great deal of ancient knowledge. It has helped me with the spirit, which has helped me be successful in the real world. Never allow yourself to become detached from the world of the spirit. Avoid becoming too full of yourself.
"This is what has happened to Noah. He has lost his way and his soul has become sick. I feel deep within my own soul that Noah is ready to be healed; otherwise he would not be here with you. That is all I have to say on this matter for now. Let's return to the cabin, there is chocolate cake to be had." I don't know about calling Robert's place a cabin. It wasn't like some pioneer cabin—it was obviously a home built by someone who had a lot of money.
When we returned, Noah was sitting on the deck. "Did you have a good walk?"
I walked up behind him and put my arms around his shoulders, kissing his right cheek. "It was a very good walk. Your friend knows how to get information, I will say that."
"Like what kind of information?" he asked somewhat nervously.
"Oh, like how many times a week we have sex."
Noah turned to me and grinned. "Eric, you can be so full of bullshit sometimes."
"I had a good teacher. He also learned I love chocolate cake."
"Good, because I noticed a cake in the kitchen."
"I think he's in there slicing it up right now. Let's go find out."
The cake, the ice cream, the company, all made for a good finish to the evening. Noah slept in a room across the hall from Robert's. I slept up in a loft. I had to climb a ladder to get there. Noah felt that if we slept together we would end up being unable to avoid having sex. For some reason, we needed to be celibate until he said otherwise. But, I was completely following his lead and, like so much else around here, I didn't question it.
<Wednesday, August 8>
[ERIC]
Noah woke me before dawn. The lights in the living area below the loft were on and the house felt warm and comfortable. I got up, stretched, put on a pair of shorts, and climbed down the steep, narrow stairs that connected the loft to the main floor.
Noah was wearing just a long t-shirt and Robert was wearing a gorgeous wool bathrobe. It had Native American designs and symbols on it. To me he looked more dignified in the robe than he would have in a tuxedo.
I went to the bathroom to pee. When I came back out, I saw that Noah was naked. I couldn't help but glory in his naked body. He stood 5'9, his body slender, but not skinny, his muscles well-toned. The only hair below his neck was the wispy line of pubes over the base of his flaccid penis. His smooth balls hung slightly lower than his soft two-inch teen tool. To me, his ass was a perfect teen bubble butt—well, to me, his entire body and being were perfect.
"Off with the clothes," Noah told me. "This is going to be done naked."
I wanted to protest that it was dark and cold outside, but I knew well in advance that we would be nude, so there was nothing I could say, at least nothing that would be listened to. I stepped out of my shorts and I was naked in front of Robert for the first time. I'd been naked in front of a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons, so I did not feel the least bit self-conscious in front of him. Robert handed me three heavy woolen blankets to carry down to the pond.
We stepped out on the deck and walked across it, activating the motion detector which turned the lights on. Robert had removed his robe. The package that he had hanging between his legs was something any male would be proud of. I almost gasped when I saw his cock and balls hanging down from his crotch. The man was very well endowed.
He took a seat at one of the cushioned chairs next to the table. Noah and I walked off of the deck and onto the back lawn. Noah was carrying a flashlight and a small canvas tote bag. He led me down to the shore of the pond where I laid out one of the blankets for us to sit on. We both sat cross-legged and looked at each other with a mixture of intensity and love. Noah turned off the flashlight. It was a bit chilly and I wrapped one of the blankets around my shoulder. Noah remained exposed to the cool morning air.
Noah then told me what my role would be over the next few mornings. It was like most of our discussions on this trip would be like--he talked and I listened. After he finished, he scooted up close to me. We were both sitting cross-legged, our knees touching. Noah removed my blanket. I got goose bumps from the cold. Noah quickly placed his surprisingly warm hands on my shoulders. I could almost feel the warmth soak into me.
We remained like this for close to an hour. I had no idea what was going through Noah's head. All I knew was my own role, which was to sit calmly, say nothing, and be a presence. It was hard to do that when the boy I loved with all my being had his head resting on my shoulder as he whimpered, "No...no...no...no...no..."
[NOAH]
I knew this was going to work. I knew it in every single cell of my body. Eric likes to talk about my demon, as if I were possessed. There is no demon possessing me. I don't hear a foreign voice telling me what a piece of shit I am for not being there for Bobby. What I hear is my own voice telling me that. My issue is that I can't get it to shut up. I don't want to place the blame for the accident on sweet Bobby. I don't want to blame his lack of responsibility for his death. That leaves me as the only person left to blame. I turn that guilt and blame into my demon.
Marty calls the voices that tell him he is a worthless person, the ones that get him worrying about the future and regretting the past, his committee. Espowyes agrees, saying whether it's one voice in my head cutting me down, or many voices, the end result is still the same; I am not capable of honestly looking at myself and at what had happened. I can't be honest about it until I tell somebody else exactly what the issue is. Until I do, I will continue to be haunted.
When I took the blanket from Eric's shoulders I could see that he was cold. I put my hands on him, hoping my love would help warm him. It turns out the warmth of my hands had more to do with the warming process than anything from the metaphysical world.
I mostly meditated that first morning. I closed my eyes, sometimes leaning my head on the shoulder of my patient and wonderful lover. How could I ever want more than the person who was sitting naked with me on the grass in the pre-dawn dark? I had the best and I knew it. What I needed to do now was convince myself that I was worthy of him.
In my mind, I went through what had happened that morning four years ago. I usually worked hard to squash my thoughts about that morning. I wasn't always successful, which was when Eric would say I was being visited by my demon.
Today, I willingly let those thoughts into my head, and they said the same things they'd been saying since I thought up this crazy trip. They told me that no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't hide that fact that I was bad, that I had been wrong, that I had made bad decisions that fateful morning that led to the death of the boy I loved.
"You're wrong," I said in my mind. "You're wrong. But if you're wrong that means Bobby was wrong and he can't be wrong. And if he wasn't wrong, then I was wrong. Everything can't be wrong, something has to be right. Something, anything, has to be right."
Eric told me later that all he heard that morning was me whimpering, No...no...no...no..."
I could tell the sun was rising over the mountains; I could feel the light and the warmth. But inside me, I could feel only the cold and the dark. But I also could feel a bit of strength in myself. For the first time I was able to tell the voice, the committee, the demon, whatever it was in my head, that it was wrong. For that morning, it was enough.
[ERIC]
Noah leaned back with a confused look on his face. The sun had come up over the mountain. A mist was rising from the pond. The sky was blue. It was a beautiful morning. But the morning was not as beautiful as the boy in front of me. He flashed me a shy grin.
"I'm getting there," he said. "I know what's true...I know what's true."
I wasn't sure what he meant by that and I didn't ask. I had promised to keep quiet, and, as hard as it was, I stuck with that promise, at least on this first morning.
We walked to the cabin, showered, dressed, and had a fantastic French toast breakfast prepared by Robert. Robert then packed a lunch and the three of us rode in his pickup to a trailhead a few miles away. We spent the warm, beautiful day backpacking into the foothills. I had a feeling that Robert felt hiking through the woods was as important to Noah's healing process as sitting naked in the grass.
<Thursday, August 9>
[NOAH]
I knew Eric didn't like getting up as early as I made him. That says a lot considering he is an early riser. But, Espowyes wants me to be meditating about how to deal with the demon as the sun rises, and so Eric gets up as early as I do.
This morning I started out acknowledging the truth, that I was not a bad person because I didn't call Bobby back and nag him to put his helmet on. But that still didn't keep me from feeling responsible. And so I spent the morning convincing myself of what I already knew--that we are all responsible for our own actions. Bobby knew he should be wearing his helmet. He knew that he should have not only taken it with him, but he also should have worn it.
That was when I realized an amazing truth for the first time. That truth was, even if I had reminded Bobby to take his helmet, he might have taken it and not worn it. He didn't like wearing it and often let it hang from his handlebars. Even if I had reminded him to wear it, he still might not have.
But, the voice said, if he had the helmet with him, even if he wasn't wearing it, he wouldn't have had to make the u-turn to get it. He wouldn't have been spooked by the truck coming around the turn and lost his traction in the loose gravel. "If only you had said something, he would have kept going straight up the road."
And maybe that was where that evil demon erred. Who is to say his bike wouldn't have slipped on the gravel as he peddled it up the rise? Who is to say that he might not have been spooked by the truck and slipped only to fall in front of the truck and actually get hit by the truck, putting a burden of guilt on Roy Callaway, the driver.
Marty told me I can't live in the "what ifs" of life. Espowyes is a bit more complex, but he essentially says the same thing. I now understood that I was not responsible for Bobby's action. I understood that what happened is what happened and that, for whatever reason, it is what was supposed to happen.
However, finally being able to admit that didn't mean I believed it in my heart. To believe it in my heart I needed to tell somebody what I was feeling. I needed to tell somebody what the demon had been telling me. That somebody was Eric, who was sitting patiently beside me saying nothing. Tomorrow when the sun started peeking over the mountain, I was going to give him all of my trust. All of it—for the first time ever.
<Friday, August 10>
[NOAH]
"I love you, Eric." This morning we were sitting side-by-side on the blanket, facing the pond. Our arms were wrapped around each other's shoulders. We were starting later than the last two mornings. I knew what I needed to do, and when I needed to do it.
"I love you, Noah." He gave my shoulder a tug and smiled.
God, he'd been so wonderful, so patient, so loving. I questioned if I could have done the same thing as he had, sitting for a couple of hours doing nothing as my lover battled with four years of grief and guilt. He told me that he discovered he was learning more about how to calm his mind, how to slow things down, how to move toward a meditative state. It helped that in the evening Espowyes had been helping him work towards achieving those goals.
"It wasn't my fault," I said as the sky started to lighten.
"What wasn't your fault?"
"Bobby's accident."
"Who said that it was?"
"I did. I said it was from the moment I heard the news. I said I was responsible, that there was no way it could have been his fault, and that it had to be my fault."
"That was your demon talking."
"That was no demon. The demon was our way of explaining what was happening inside of me. That was me, Noah McCall, talking. That was me saying what a piece of shit I was for letting my friend, my lover, my world, die because I couldn't be bothered to nag him once."
"I don't get it. I don't see how his not taking his helmet with him was your fault. Bobby was responsible for that and..."
I shushed him and he stopped babbling. I told him about my night with my sister, about Bobby's phone call, about my being distracted, and about how I talked myself out of calling him back to remind him about the helmet.
"Yes, you're right. It wasn't my responsibility, but I decided it was. And the worst part was, I decided I couldn't tell anybody, not even you." I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks. "I decided I couldn't trust anybody. I thought you would all judge me and hate me as much as I hated myself if you knew the truth."
I waited for Eric to say something, but he just looked out at the pond and the rising sun, rivulets of tears flowing down his cheeks. There were things I needed to hear from him, but I wasn't hearing anything at all, so I went on.
"That was the worst of it. My not trusting anybody, not even the person in my life who meant more than anybody or anything...not even you. My soul had become sick. That was my demon—my sick soul."
I told Eric about my wanting to try drowning myself in alcohol and in drugs. I told him how Marty saved me from that, not once, but twice. I told him how, when the demon visited, I sometimes had thoughts of suicide, of joining Bobby wherever he was so I could beg his forgiveness. I told him how having him as my best friend, as my boyfriend, as my lover, and my soul mate had helped rid me of my darkest thoughts.
"Hell, even Dr. Nospine helped some, although I didn't want her to."
The two of us put our heads together, squeezing each other's shoulders, crying softly. "I could never hate you, Noah. Never. No matter what you told me, I could never hate you. Even if what you said was true, I wouldn't have hated you." Eric was saying the words I knew I needed hear, words my heart told me he would say. This is exactly what I had wanted from the time I contacted Espowyes about us coming out to Montana to see him.
Eric kissed my wet cheek. "I love you, Noah. I love you with all of my soul. I love you through the good and the bad. You can trust me with anything and you can trust me forever, because that is how long my love will last."
Then I burst out into sobs that wracked my body. I wrapped myself around him and poured my tears out over his smooth chest, rivulets of water making their way down his naked torso. "I love you, Eric. God, I love you. I thought for so long I didn't deserve you, that you were too good for me. I know now that's not true. I know today that our love is unbreakable."
We kissed. We kissed long and deep, our faces wet, but our love full and deep.
"You know what else is true?" I asked.
"What?"
"I was afraid I couldn't have Bobby's love and your love in me at the same time. But, I know now that I can. I know that love is forever. Bobby's love, your love, my heart has room for both of you and it always will. I said once that Bobby would always be my boyfriend, yet I was afraid that wasn't really true. But, it is true. I have the love of both of you inside of me." I took a deep breath and asked him a question that was important to me. "Does it bother you that I am sharing you?"
"Never, my love. Bobby was special to you in so many ways. I have no problem sharing my love with him. In fact, I am honored to share my love with him."
We sat for a long time saying nothing as the sun rose over the mountain and lit up the pond and the little glen that Espowyes' cabin occupied.
"There is one more thing we need to do," I finally said.
Eric smiled his special smile. "I have a feeling I know what that is. I've been celibate for way too long."
"And it is appreciated. I planned this as our final act out here. I just knew with you sitting with me every morning I would be able to see the truth and tell the truth. But we aren't going to do what you think."
"How do you know what I've been thinking?"
"You and I are lovers. But what I want is your seed inside of me and becoming part of me. I want you cumming in my mouth."
"I thought we'd be making love, if it came to that."
"But that seed finds its way back out. The seed that I swallow and digest becomes a part of me. I want you to become a part of me, today. It is another way of making our love complete."
"That works both ways."
I nodded and started to fondle his beautiful teen cock. "What about Robert?" he asked. Espowyes sat naked on the deck each morning, silently watching us from the distance. I turned to see where he was. The deck was empty. That was how I knew that he knew what had happened between us down here by the pond.
I went down on Eric's perfectly sized cock. It was just shy of six inches (yes, we still measured, although I was the only one who seemed to be doing any growing) and gave him some of my best work. I was a good cocksucker and I knew it. I wasn't the best in my family--that would be Nicky--but I was good.
The fact that Eric hadn't cum in days made short work of things, but I didn't care. The time for long drawn out sex would be later. Right now I wanted Eric's sweet cum inside of me. I wanted to taste the love juice of my lover. I wanted his protein to become a part of me. When he came, Eric didn't hold back. He fucked my mouth, he held my head, he screamed my name, he filled my mouth with his essence. He was every bit a part of me.
And when he recovered he went down on me. I was so ready for him. I so wanted my cock inside of him. I so wanted me to become a part of him like he was a part of me.
"Eric, oh fuck, Eric, I am going to cum already and I don't care. Don't hold back, I'm going to fucking explode. Oh, fuck, Eric, ohhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyy fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck," I screamed, certain that Espowyes could hear me even in the house. I shot wad after wad of cum into my lover's mouth as my cock felt like it would never stop its spasms. I came so hard I actually lost consciousness for a few seconds. It was a magical orgasm, a magical moment, a magical morning.
We finally got ourselves together, gathered the blankets, and walked up the slope to the cabin. Espowyes told me later in the day that what I did here would not slay the demon, at least not right away. But if it did show its ugly face, I now knew the truth and I knew how to shut the creature up. And I also knew how to trust Eric totally and share with him. I knew I would never be alone again.
<Friday, August 10, afternoon>
Robert dropped the boys off at the resort where Noah and his family stayed on their visits to Whitefish. He was good friends with the owner, as he was with most of the community. He paid the rental of two bicycles for Eric and Noah to ride on the resort's bike trail.
"I will be back at four," he told the boys. "I might no longer be working, but I do still own a majority share in my old hotel, and it helps to have the owner show up on occasion. It keeps people on their toes."
Noah and Eric rode out on the trail uphill to an isolated lake. They undressed, placing their clothes and helmets on the dry grass. They then went skinny dipping in the cold mountain water. Why this was a lake and not a pond when it was actually smaller than the pond behind Robert's cabin was a question Eric could not figure out the answer to, but in the end he really didn't give a fuck. They didn't stay in the cold water for long. They soon lay out on the rock, drying and sunning their naked bodies, watching keenly for anybody coming up the trail.
They had brought a lunch with them, which Noah laid out on the large rock. He told Eric about how he, Bobby, and Shane had gone skinny dipping in the lake and had sex. He told Eric how he considered this to be a special spot, one that would always remind him of Bobby.
"I wonder if we will ever have our own special spot," Eric thought out loud.
"I know we will," Noah said. "I don't know where it is, but when we find it, there will be no doubt in our minds that we found our special spot."
"I love you, Noah."
"I love you, Eric. Thanks for being here with me. I know those mornings weren't easy."
"Those mornings were special. This trip was special. Espowyes is special." Eric used Robert's Nez Perce name for the first time. "It has made our special love even more special. And you, my love, you are extra special."
The boys didn't make love on the rock. It was a place with a special spot on Noah's heart. But that night they made love on the grass by the pond. It was the sweetest love imaginable. Hard and aggressive, because they were hard and aggressive teen boys, yet it also had a kind of gentleness to it that only a deep, infinitely heartfelt love could provide—a love that came from the soul. While the back yard of Espowyes' cabin would not be their special lovemaking spot, they knew that when they found it, it would conjure up the same feelings in them that they had experienced that night.
The next morning and afternoon they went canoeing with Espowyes. For dinner they had venison and garlic mashed potatoes along with fresh beans from the old Indian's garden. His lemon cheesecake was the perfect dessert.
That evening at eight-thirty, they were at the Whitefish train station. Noah and Eric each gave Espowyes a long and loving hug as the "Empire Builder" came rolling into the station. Eric knew, as he hugged the old man, that Espowyes had become an important adult in his life, just like he was in Noah's life. Eric's heart was full of love as he embraced the man who helped save his boyfriend.
This trip had been about the magic of the spirit. The three of them bade silent farewells. Eric and Noah settled into their roomette and closed the sliding door. They looked at each other with shy smiles, knowing exactly what was about to happen. As the "Empire Builder" started out of the station, they wept unashamedly, shedding tears of happiness, joy, and love, both of them with a growing understanding that no matter what was in store for them, life was beautiful.
Next: Passing Storm