Boss-Man!
Ah, the Christmas season. Yeah, CHRISTMAS! None of that Happy holiday crap the PC cops make ya say. Man, we keep trippin' over ourselves to avoid offendin' others so much we won't be able to think for ourselves at some point. It's like whoever screams the loudest or has a really good mouthpiece to do a lawsuit with gets what they want these days. But, all crazy stuff aside, it's Christmas at Batz & Robinson, and at Mike and Eddie's place. If yer out somewheres and see someone and don't know what to say, just do a Merry Christmas to someone - take yer chances, take one for the team, tell 'em Mike and Eddie said so.
Hoo-boy this is my favorite time of year, I'm tellin' ya. Yeah, I dig the gifts and ev'rything, and I ain't a big fan of the snow, but the music, the decorations, the crowd goin' nuts shoppin' and stuff, people are a little nicer to each other, figurin' "hey, the big Boss-Man upstairs must be watchin', seein' as it's His boy's birthday and all". My old man never did nothin' for my birthday, but it's good to see that one old man's got his boy's back.
Christmas eve comes so doggone fast, but boy was ours a hoot! So much went on that day, and I'm here to tell ya - it started off okay enough. Me-n-Eddie felt like goin' for breakfast, and I had to make a pitstop at a convenience store, had to get a paper. We pull up and see something VERRRRY familiar to the two of us - Yep, you guessed it, a robbery in progress. How bold was that? Right in plain sight. Woulda given the average joe a heart attack, lucky thing that we're not your Average Joe.
Without thinking 'bout anything, we step on up to the plate and go for a grand slam. The doors were locked. Lotta good that did, we just crashed right in, scared the poor little buggers to death. I mean the robbers. One of 'em whips his piece out and yells out, "take another step and I'm lettin' ya have it!" Me-n-Eddie look at each other and laugh, "Holy tourist trap, this guy must be new in town" "let's inner-duce 'im to a couple of locals, like REAL fast"
A-a-a-nd we're off! The two of us just wailed the tar outta the first thug, knocked the piece right outta his mitt. The other guy takes his out and Eddie yells "GUN!" He's got us covered! What'll we do. Take it like a man, that's part of this business. We brace ourselves, but the poor bastard forgets himself and pulls the trigger. Guess what! It was a water pistol. The guy panics and yells, "oh, shit" - Eddie lunges right at 'im like a good boy. "You slimy little rug-rat - this is DRY CLEAN ONLY!" and throws a right hook and knocks the guy against the wall. When he tried to run out, Eddie grabs him. "Oh, no you don't - I ain't through with you yet", cuffs his hands behind his back with one hand and gets 'im by the neck with the other.
I was still hangin' on to the other scumbag and I callled out, "hey Eddie - what's that ballet you like so much!" "you mean the Skullcracker Suite? - Just PERFECT for this time-a year!"
and we slammed their heads into each others' and stunned 'em but good. I snapped my fingers and pointed to the clerk, "you there, call 9 1 1!" Eddie standin' over 'em, says, "ya know somethin', Mike - I think I know what I want for breakfast - scrambled eggs". We cuff the bad guys and get the heck outta dodge. I handed my card to the clerk, sayin' send me the bill for the door gettin' fixed, "compliments of Batz & Robinson, Merry Christmas", and we split.
I get a call on my cell phone. It's the Chief of Police, "Can ya come down to the station right away?" Sensing the urgency I say "Course I can - we're on our way" I snap the phone shut, snap my fingers and point at Eddie, "Police Chief needs us right away - to the station" and we hop in the car and speed down to headquarters. We get there in record time and barge right in his office, and stand posed, ready for action, both with spread legs, me with my arms at my side, fists formed, eyes squintin', teeth gritted, Eddie - his chest pumpin' with adrenaline, breathin' through his mouth, lips slightly open as in a small pout, wringing his fist with his other hand, wide open eyes dartin' between me and the Chief, somethin's up. somethin' big. "'mornin' Chief, what's up?"
The Chief looks at us both, clenches his mouth, and stands up slowly - his big, beefy hands on his desk, his big, beefy arms supportin' him as he rose to his full height of 6'5", salt and pepper hair impeccably trimmed, parted on the left side, framin' his almost-jar-shaped face. Smilin' eyes, I call 'em. His eyes formed in such a way he looks like he always has a smile on his face, even if he doesn't. He gets from behind his desk, and swaggers over to the two of us. He folds his arms slowly across his barrel chest, his left hand, balled in a fist inserted underneath his right arm, his right hand, opnenin' up and touching his left arm. Aw, geez, this guy's a classic work of art. How many punches them arms musta thrown, how many bullets his chest musta stopped, how many punches to the gut and to the face, all in defense of the average joe who ain't out for no trouble, and he live to tell like it's an old war story - "them thugs tried to bring me down, but I got right back up and taught 'em a thing or two 'bout messin' with me!" - How many times that gravelly voice read the Miranda rights - slippin' that uniform on every day when he used to, the shirt goin' 'cross his shoulders like a cape, shades goin' 'cross his eyes, wrappin' 'round his head like a mask. Civil Service Superhero. Someone I could learn from, in terms of no-b.s., brawl first and ask questions later. Spent 22 years on the streets, we could use some more guys like him out there today. One crimebuster to another - it's an honor to be in this guy's presence. If I were on the force, that could be me, I could be the object of fantasy to two other guys, but we gotta take life on life's terms. I know Eddie idolizes me, he told me. I give 'im ev'ry reason, too. He stands between the two of us, arms outstretched, wrapped 'round us - a hand on each of our arms, my left arm, Eddie's right, we both look at 'im adoringly, worshippingly, "boys, somethin's come up, gonna need your help today", then the firm, gritted teeth dissolve into a huge, bearish, wet, sloppy smile, "we got a Toys for Tots thing goin' on today and, well, we need a couple-a guys to hand the gifts out - ya in?" Me-n-Eddie look at each other as if to say "huh?", then we smile and break out laughin'! "Aw, man, ya had us there - I thought somethin' bad was goin' down!" "Oh, it is, these poor kids, no family, locked up in an orphanage, don't get the kinda life that other kids have. Their parents can't get 'em any gifts 'cuz they either took off on 'em or they dropped dead. We need to give these kids a shot at a decent life, let 'em know they're cared about, that somebody out there loves 'em. Kinda like you, Robinson - you were kinda left to your own devices til ya met this big lug over here. You were lucky - sad to say there ain't a Mike Batz out there for ev'ry Eddie Robinson, wish there was. I kid this guy a lot, but I know how good he is for ya, and you two make a real good team. Just wish all-a these kids had the same thing. Anyway, we're dolin' out the loot in a couple-a hours, sure'd appreciate it if ya could." "Oh, yeah, definitely, anything for them", we both kinda said in not so many words. "Good, but there is one thing, we got these Santa and his Elf suits, ya know, to add to the festivities as it were." We looked at each other again - blood drainin' from our faces, as if to say "he's kiddin', right?" WRONG!
I slip into my santa suit - hey, I'm older, what can I say. 'Sides, ya shoulda seen Eddie in his elf outfit, all nice and small and tight - just hugged that body of his. He was a little uptight about it at first, but then saw it don't look too different from the Robin costume, just the green part of it. He slipped on his tights - ri-i-i-i-ight up his calf, then the thigh, he ran his hands up his legs to smooth out the fabric and I followed him up with my eyes, all the meanwhile droolin'. I dunno what gets me goin' the most - him gettin' dressed, or undressed. I'll take him either way.
I figured I needed more than just my eyes goin' up and down on them creamy, shiny gams of his. I help him get his elf-boots on and as I slide them on his feet, my hand just kept goin' up, slowly but surely - I caress his calves, I stroke his shins, I touch his thighs, he was breathin' in-n-out, all breathless. I make it all the way up to under his tunic and start havin' my way with his cock-n-balls. I coo, "do ya have a package for Santa to open?" He looks up and grins, "it says not to open til Christmas" Blowin' that off, I say, "there's no law - I'm a gumshoe, I oughta know". I put my other hand on his shoulder to support myself as I move in for a kiss, a sweet, gentle, yet wet and sloppy. He takes my face in his hands and starts risin' up slowly, then he starts to stand up, too. We had a few minutes before we were supposed to go on, so we....
GOTCHA!
Oh, come on, now, didja really think we were gonna get it on in a police station, dressed like Santa and his Elf? Hoo-boy! Getcher minds outta the gutter, would-ya! I mean, yeah, I really did look 'im up and down, but like the Lovin' Spoonful says, what a day for a daydream.
So we go on, handin' out the gifts to the kids - Eddie handin' me a package with a kid's name on it. Some-a them - Jesus - God help 'em, ya know? Broken arms, bruises, some kid on crutches. Too bad I was Santa and not Mike. I'd get into the whole thing, "who's the rat bastard that did this to ya - I'll kill 'em myself." It took me back, as a kid who was busted up a little here-n-there. Ah, what can I say, my dad was a boozer - 'nuff-a that right now. So, anyways, on a lighter note, this little girl comes up, face of a real cherub, ya know. Kinda like the little Cupids, but that's a couple-a months away for Valentine's Day. Blond curly hair, little frilly dress, man she was adorable, just like a little doll. She kissed me on the cheek and said, "thank you, Santa", and I went into the whole ho-ho-ho thing, and the green giant was standin' next to me, speakin-a which. But the little girl went over to Eddie, motioned for him to bend down so she could reach 'im, and planted one on the face, too. I usually motion for him to bend over, but not for that (heh-heh). Sorry. So she says to him, she says, "thank you Mr. Elf". Not one for titles, he said, "naw - name's Eddie, kid". She got this really cure look on 'er face. "Ooh, you mean Eddie the Elf?"
Right then and there I thought I'd lose it. I couldn't keep a straight face. I started ho-ho-ho like nuttin' on Earth and it wasn't any act, either. After the presents were handed out, me-n-Eddie were about to mingle with the guests, it was a little sort-a reception thing goin' on. I snickered in Eddie's ear, "Eddie the Elf, what a knee-slapper" "That ain't what I'm gonna be slappin'". he growled with a slight grin - yeah, he was just puttin' me on. So we did that slo-mo fightin', all "come on put 'em-up, put 'em-up".
The Chief came over and thanked us for steppin' up to bat and takin' one for the team. "I tell ya somethin' Chief, me-n-Eddie are honored you asked us to do this". "Yeah, it felt so good makin' those little kids happy, ya know. Good to give back a little once in a while".
Eddie was right - the two of us - we didn't have it so good as kids. I guess that's what makes us who we are, and why we got together in the first place. Maybe we were both out for somethin'. But we found it in each other. Aw, lookin' at the kids playin' with their stuff. Does a man good, it does - - really does a man good.
Gotta get real here - somethin' else I gotta tell ya. I almost had a kid. I went through a stage where I went out with dames, that kinda thing, and I had a thing with someone. We were kinda young, not much goin' for us. She got pregnant. We were all torn up. Didn't know what to do. "We gonna have it?" "I don't know, can we?" "I don't know". Finally she leaves me a note, sayin' to not try to find her, she's gonna run off and get it, uh, taken care of. Man, I cried like a baby - not even included in anything - no chance to raise the kid, or to even see him, or her, or whoever. Sometimes I thought about maybe she didn't kill it and just took off and raised it herself. Pretty tough to do, though, no matter who ya are. I sometimes imagine what this kid musta looked like, or how the kid turned out otherwise. Maybe it's good I don't know. Feelin' kinda lonely I started hangin' in bars, nightclubs, the whole nine yards - kept gettin' looked at by guys, then I had a few flings. That was better. I wasn't lyin' to myself anymore.
Well, anyway, the reception was goin' full speed ahead, had a few laughs (not ALL at Eddie's expense - oh, he took it all in good fun, no big deal). We even met the Chief's wife, lookin' a little pre-occupied, kinda mad, even. But she napped out of it and we introduced ourselves. I shook hands with her, how-da-ya-do, and all - Eddie, same thing. Poor lady had this stuff on that made her smell like she'd been enbalmed.
Bein' polite as hell, clearin' my throat, I said, "gee, that's some pretty-smellin' stuff there, what is it?" "Oh, aren't you sweet! It's Moonlight Over Madagascar - it's all the rage. Oh, would you excuse me, please, I need to freshen up a bit. My, uh, sash is coming loose. Ta-ta!"
Eddie, if you remember, almost passed out once from the smell of car paint, so you can imagine how he was feelin' right then. "Holy O.D. Cologne-y", he whispered, "ya think she's got enough-a that crap on?"
"All the rage", she says. RAGE was right! Smellin' that crap can make a mass murderer outta anyone. Some time goes by, we're gabbin' the time away. Pretty swell time we were havin', too.
THEN we heard a scream. That brought ev'rything to a screeching halt. "what the hell was that?" we were sayin' back and forth, as if anyone had an answer. Eddie suggested maybe someone else got a whiff of that perfume. "Oh, let it go, kiddo".
A woman runs out and goes on about findin' someone dead - a rope 'round her neck. I try to calm the dame down, "where's the body?" "Just where I found it - in the ladies' room." The Chief's wife gasped, "What? Oh, my GOD, what if that had been me? That could've been ME in there. I am so lucky whoever it was didn't get a hold of me. Poor woman, is she all right?"
We all looked at her, the Chief sayin', "Marilyn, she's DEAD, of course she's not all right! And, how do you know it's a woman."
"Well, uh, there was a murder in the ladies room, after all." Changin' gears real fast, she said, "Arthur, we simply must get out of here. Be a love and get my coat, will you?" "Honey, we have to stay here. There's been a murder at the police station and you just wanna vamoose?" "Well, I don't see what need I have to be here - I mean, I don't know what GOOD I'd do here. I'd just get in the way." "Honey, be reasonable would you?" "I'll do nothing of the sort, If you won't be a gentleman and fetch my wrap, then I guess I'll do it myself. Thank you very much, some husband YOU turned out to be!"
I heard the Chief mutter, "jeez I wish it was her they found". Then I ask the dame who sniffed out the stiff to take us to the crime scene. She didn't want to at first. "Oh, I can't let you both in there. It is a ladies room, you know." Eddie piped in, "not anymore, it's a crime scene. We're detectives, he's Batz and I'm Robinson" "Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I - I guess I'm just...." She couldn't think of how to describe her state. "Follow me, it's right down the hall".
We go into the ladies' room and see the body with the rope on her neck. We go in for a closer look, seein' if it was maybe a suicide. Eddie somehow gets a whiff of somethin'. "Man, there's that smell again." He froze. A look of panic came over his face, he wrung his fist with his other hand and was kinda shaky. "Holy spine-chillers. Moonlight Over Madagascar!"
I got shaky, too, and stooped over and took a closer look. I almost wanted to weep. I put my hand on Eddie's shoulder, "my boy, this is what proves it." Sure enough, it was the little lady's sash wrapped around this dame's neck. Eddie swallowed hard. "Wh-why would the Chief's wife wanna kill anyone? She's the Chief's wife, for Pete's sake." Shakin' my head and tightening my lip, I snarled, "don't know, kid, I just don't know." I breathed heavily in and out. I stood up all the way - arms at my side, fists formed, legs spread eagle. Eddie stood upright, too, legs spread, wringin' his fist, lookin' at me. "Only one way we're gonna find out. This ain't gonna be easy. Back out to the crowd."
We went back out to the main area where the festivities were. Now the children were cryin'. That really made me sore. Of all days, on Christmas friggin' Eve. Someone snuffed out the day before the son-of-God's birthday, too. I wondered what He musta been thinkin'. The Chief and his wife met up with us. I said to him, "Chief, there's no other way I can say this, I'm very sorry." Then lookin' at his wife, I went on. "But now I know how your wife knew the stiff in the john was a woman" I looked down a little, then back up. "So, where's your sash? I guess you couldn't, uh, TIE it TIGHT enough around your waist, eh? But you COULD tie it tight enough around that poor woman's NECK, now, couldn't ya!"
She became indignant, "What are you saying?" Chief was too. "Detective Batz, I will thank you to take back that awful remark this instant!" "Would if I could, Chief. Would if I could." Eddie piped in, "we found the sash around her neck and smelled the perfume your wife was wearin'. I wouldn't doubt her fingerprints would come up when the body's dusted."
The Chief turned to his wife, "Marilyn, tell them this isn't true. Tell ME this isn't true." Marilyn swallowed hard. "All right, Arthur. After you tell ME that your affair with that cheap tramp was not true."
Me-n-Eddie were shocked. The Chief? Playin' around? All kiddin' about her perfume aside - the Chief havin' a fling? "No, Marilyn, I can't tell you it isn't true. I admit it. I had her pretend to be just one of the public. I was going to make excuses and meet her later. I'm very sorry, but I planned to tell you eventually that I fell in love with someone else."
Just then my mind flashed back to my temptation with Bobby Reed and how devastated Eddie was to find the whole thing out. Sure, I didn't go all the way with him, but all I could think of was the look on that poor boy's face when I 'fessed up.
Marilyn thought about it for a bit. "I see. Well, there's only one thing I can think of to do." The Chief agreed, "yeah, it's -it's best. I'll get some things and go to a motel for now." "There's no need for that." She reaches in her purse and our eyes widen with horror as she takes out a gun. "HANDS UP, you're all covered!" She points it at all of us so as to keep any of us from gettin' drastic. Even some of the beat cops were frozen up. Can ya beat that - the wife of the Police Chief usin' a gun!
"For God's sake, Marilyn, be reasonable. There's no need to hurt anyone else." "I'm not thinking of hurting, I'm thinking of murdering. YOU, that is! How dare you do this to me, after all these years! I've been faithful, understanding when you came home late, when you were working those awful hours as a patrolman. Hell, I even persuaded my father to bribe the mayor into appointing you Chief of Police, just so I know you'd come HOME at night."
Eddie shouted, "Holy graft! You gotta be kiddin'!" "I am not! Tell them, Arthur. Admit it." The Chief had no other choice. She really had 'im by the balls. This was one frightful femme fatale. "Yes, all right. I'll admit it. I had no aspirations whatsoever at that time. I was a good cop. True, I didn't really walk much of a beat, but I did go through the academy and join the force. We were married shortly after I joined. I wanted to work my way up the ladder, but Marilyn started to miss me a lot. I didn't see my kids much, or her. I wasn't about to quit the force, either, so....this was the only way."
I looked around and saw the uniforms hang their heads in shame. They were all busted up. Eddie grew furious. "It's not enough you were ready to walk out on your wife and children like that. Not enough you'd invite your squeeze to a Christmas party - for THEM - those kids. Look at 'em over there, scared to death. Whaddya think you're doin' to their holidays? Haven't they been through enough? An innocent woman's life was taken - another woman's life was gonna be upheaved. And if that ain't bad enough, what about the boys? They're out there puttin' their lives on the line, some-a them even lost their lives servin' and protectin' the good people of this town - under YOUR leadership, which you BOUGHT! Whaddya got to say to all of 'em? Huh?" Eddie's voice cracked, tears comin' to his eyes, he licked his lips. I put my hand on his shoulder. He lowered his head and cried. "It's okay, kid, it's okay" "(sniffing) Merry gosh-darned Christmas, Chief!"
I look at the two of 'em, the Chief and his wife, that is. She still had her gun aimed right at 'im. I whisper somethin' in Eddie's ear, he nods his head. I stared carefully at her trigger finger movin' back slowly pullin' the trigger. I shout "NOW!" and me-n-Eddie lunge toward the Chief. I had my arms outstretched to push him out of the path of the first bullet, but it caught me instead, slicin' the back of my neck and sendin' me fallin' back. The second shot caught Eddie in the hand, sendin' HIM back, too. A couple of shots hit the Chief after we were pushed outta the way. Uniforms flung themselves to try to subdue her and one poor bastard's head almost exploded with a shot. He screamed and grabbed his head as blood gushed outta the side. He went down like that. Kids and their guardians were screamin' and cryin' in terror, then the Chief's wife was finally subdued and handcuffed. A uniform read her the Miranda rights and she was about to be escorted outta the room and right to a cell. Just as she was about to be escorted, one of the kids' guardians walked up to her. "These children are going to be scarred for life because of what you did today. What have you to say to them?" Marilyn just shrugged not carin' much, "So it'll toughen them up. At least they won't be walking around a spineless jellyfish like you. HA! Social Services." "This is how spineless I am", he snarled as he throws a left hook right in her face, which sends her fallin' back, caught by the cops. "Oh, such a powerful man you are, striking a lady." "I struck you - not a lady."
CREEPIN' CHRISTMAS CLIFFHANGERS! A MAULED, MURDERED MISTRESS! CRYING CHILDREN! BATZ BLEEDING! ROBINSON REELING! THE CHIEF'S PLANS BACKFIRING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!
HOW IS ALL OF THIS TO END? WILL IT?
YOU'LL FIND OUT EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ARE AFRAID TO ASK - IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.