CHAPTER FORTY-ONE - Bastard Bogus Bellboys
Me-n-Eddie's been cruisin' these streets for a little while now, lookin' for any courtesy vans from the hotel and weren't gettin' anywhere. "D'ya think by now they might've stripped it for parts or somethin'?" "That's possible". Then as we turned a corner, Eddie just happened to notice somethin'. "Whoa, the smell of paint. God, that stuff makes me nauseous." I caught a whiff of it, too, then it hits me, then I slam on the brakes. "What's up?" "Auto paint. I'd recognize it anywhere!" "You mean, they...." "You got it!" Of course, since the bad guys stole a van, they were gonna paint it, put on fake license plates, the whole shot. "Well, kid, that stuff makes ya nauseous, but it's our best friend." We circled the block a couple-a times, hoverin' over where the smell is the strongest. We happen upon a garage with an open door and noticed a green van sittin' inside. Eddie says "that's gotta be it. Shaped just like the others at the hotel." I also spotted green tracks leadin' from there. These slobs musta spilled the paint on the ground then sped off, pickin' it up. "Good, at least we know they ain't around, we can ambush 'em just like they ambushed Oscar, Joey and the bellboys." "Good plan" I take out two ver necessary tools for crimefightin', these I don't like to use much, but these are two whackjobs we're dealin' with here. "A piece?" "Yeah, we gotta do it in this case. You know how to use it if ya have to, right between the eyes." First off, we get outta the car and go in the garage real careful. The van still smelled of auto paint and Eddie whips out a flashlight and scans it up and down, seein' what looked like raised letterin' underneath. "I think I see some fancy writin' here." Eddie gently rubs it and fingers out a big C. C like in courtesy. "I think we got it, boss!" "Good fingerin', kid. Hopefully when they took off, they didn't take Oscar and Joey with 'em. C'mon, let's check the house."
We skulk around the joint, lookin' for some way in, gently pushin' windows and doors, "hey, I think I found it" and me-n-Eddie creep in, real quiet like. "We gotta be careful, kid", I whisper, "we gotta get the goods on 'em before they get us. Ya ready for this?" "I'm ready for anything with you, Mike, just lead the way." We both draw our pieces and inspect the place. Don't hear nothin', don't see nothin' - at least not yet, any-hoo. I motion to Eddie to stand back to back, in case one of us is spotted with our back to the bad guys. Don't wanna go into this unprepared. "Just keep your piece ready, kid, and your eyes peeled." We take a few steps in this way, then we hear somethin' goin' on, like a kinda moanin' or somethin'. Eddie hears it, too, whisperin', "whatcha s'pose that is, Mike?" "Dunno yet, but I think it's comin' from that way. Follow me, back to back." "Right" We start to go past a doorway and the sound gets louder. "Whatever it is, I think it's in there." Eddie's closest to the doorknob, so he opens it up, real slow like, and we take a few steps in and I can't believe what we see there. Eddie's eyes widen in horror and he almost lets out a yelp, I put my hand right to his mouth, "ssh, they might hear ya, they might be hidin' out", Eddie nods his head and I take my hand off his mouth and we walk over to Oscar and Joey. They're stripped down to tee shirts and shorts, Oscar in boxers, Joey in briefs. Fishin' wire is strapped across their biceps and ankles, which are tied to the legs of the chair. More ropes extend from their fingers and across to the triggers of two semiautomatic pistols, aimed right at their heads. "Creepin' comic copycats", Eddie mutters. "Huh?" "That's right, Batman and Robin were up against this sort of thing with the Scarecrow." I snap my finger, "that's right, they had to do some kinda somersault to duck when the guns started shootin'. Boy that was a scary one." "Well, they ain't gotta do that here, I got my wire cutters in my belt, let's just cut 'em loose." "Good thinkin', kid but we gotta be real slow. We don't wanna get popped, too." "'S all right if I get hit, just as long as none of them do." "That's real good of ya, but I don't want ya puttin' yerself in harm's way." "Bobby did it - for us. I'd like to think I'd do that for someone else if it called for it."
I took a minute and thought about 'im. Yeah, Bobby did a real special thing there. I know he bought an express pass to the pearly gates the minute he died in my arms.
First off, Eddie had Oscar and Joey bend as far forward as they could, "whatever you do, don't move your hands", then he went around to the guns. The ropes had been set to go from their fingers to the gun rack, up a pulley, behind the guns, and wrapped around the triggers. The Hernandez's bent forward, I measured the path the bullets would take and saw that they were out of the path, now, then gave the signal, "okay, kid, start cuttin'". He gingerly snipped the rope off the trigger but the gun went off, the bullet went through the back of the chair Joey was sittin' in, but it missed him by two inches, then Eddie dismantled the gun. Joey was safe, now it was Oscar's turn. We didn't wanna have another close shave, so I says to 'im, "on three, you bend lower and I'll hoist up the gun. Ready? One, two, THREE, BOOM - just as planned, Oscar hits the ground, I got the gun in the air. We all made it. We cut 'em loose and set about gettin' all of us the heck outta the house, at least Joey and Oscar. Me-n-Eddie had to clean up the bad guys. "No way, Mike, we gotta all be in this together." "Well, yeah, but what if you're killed?" "Hey, if I was still a cop, I woulda died that way, anyway" "Yeah, and if Oscar goes down, I wanna go down with 'im. He's my life and I'd rather lose my own life than to have to go around without 'im." Eddie gets wind of this and says, "boy, where have I heard that before?" "Uh,lemme guess - your own mouth?" He snaps his finger and points at me, "bin-go, Boss-man, bin-go!" "All right let's get the hell outta dodge. It's a shame them creeps ain't back yet, I wouldn't-a minded wipin' the floor with 'em. Just then we hear, "start moppin'" Me-n-Eddie stand side by side to face the bastard bogus bellboys and Oscar and Joey did, too. There we were, the Fantastic Four vs, the Terrible Twosome, the Contemptible Couple, the Douchebag Duo. "Just one thing before we rip you a couple-a new ones. What's the deal with all-a this? Why'd ya do it?" "Very simple. We had a good little racket goin' on here, then this one pulls us over one night, and hauls us in, we ended up doin' 5 years for possession with attempt to sell and distribute. Ruined us for life. I read the Bible, I believe in an eye for an eye, so he ruined my life and I ruin his. Like I said, very simple". Eddie grew furious, "Pervertin' the word of God for your own putrid purposes - carrying out this vengeful vendetta. I'm sick to my six-pack stomach." I piped in, "You deserved to get pinched-n-plopped in the pokey. That crap's illegal no matter who the hell ya think ya are. And NOW whaddaya got! You're young, ya coulda picked up the pieces, but now ya got four counts of attempted murder to answer to, just 'cuz ya got pissed off at a guy who's only doin' his job. I'd love to take this piece and blow yer heads off, but that's lettin' ya off too easy. The four of us are gonna beat the livin' crap outta both-a youse, and yer gonna like it, too." The two thugs whip out a couple of switchblades, Eddie scoffs, "holy West Side Story". "Yeah, well the rest of the Sharks ain't gonna be no help to 'em now. Okay, boys, let's roll". They come at us swingin' the switches, but we got some fancy moves of our own. One of 'em comes at me and I duck, then Eddie gives 'in a real POW across the back of the neck, then the other one starts slashin' at Oscar and Joey, givin' 'em both a couple of papercuts, but any thug with a brain in his head's gonna know that while one's gettin' the brunt, the other one's comin' up from behind. We get the guys down on the ground, wrestlin' for the knives, which are still bein' waved at us, although kinda limited, since their hands can't move much. I take a slit in the hand, but that gets me even madder and I really go for this jerk's jugular, knockin' the blade outta his hand. I call out to Eddie, "hey,I got this one, get some of that fishin' wire, let this prick see how it feels". We get 'im all wrapped up like a Christmas present, just a shame we ain't got a bow to top it off. Then the four of us fantastically foil his fellow felon and there's yet another smatterin' of sweet success for the side of good.
The cops are called and come to collect and cart off the cold-blooded creeps. I kinda cop an attitude toward 'em, pointin' at Oscar, "that there's a good guy ya canned for absolutely nothin'. He was one of the finest cops I ever knew. You tell your chief that for me, all right?" The young officer didn't know what I was talkin' about or what to make of me, but just nodded and said "okay" and these loathsome leeches were lugged outta my sight where they belong. Oscar and Joey come up to us. "Mike, I don't know how to thank you. You saved both our lives. You were both on vacation and yet you still fought for us. We owe you our lives." "Now you boys don't even think of that. Me and Eddie's lives are devoted to the fight against crime and it's a call we answer proudly. There's always time for a little R-n-R, but only after we know we did our jobs, and did 'em good." He took my hand in his and said, "ya haven't changed a bit - no I take that back - ya got better. You're one of the finest men that ever lived, Mike Batz, and it's a gift from God that I have you on my side." We hugged and Eddie was standin' right there. Oscar then puts his arm around Eddie and leads him to another room, sayin' he's gotta talk to 'im.
EDDIE - Me-n-Oscar never got to know each other much, seein' as he was kidnapped and all, but we got off on the wrong foot when I thought he was musclin' in on the Boss-Man, so he wanted to talk to me right after everything. He takes me into another room and we both sit down and his eyes were just burnin' through mine. "Hey, uh, looks like me-n-you got off on the wrong foot and I just wanna say I'm sorry about that and to say what a great job ya did savin' us and ev'rything." I wondered why he was bein' so friendly all of a sudden. Did he want somethin'? Was he throwin' me off the scent, savin' it to go off on me later on, was he gonna smack me? I didn't know. I didn't trust this guy for some reason. Between you and me, I take my realtionship with Mike a day at a time. I never told no one this, but when my old man took off, my mom had a boyfriend who always gave me a bunch of crap, callin' me "faggot" and that kinda thing, which really hurt, ya know - "why ya wanna join the cops - why ya always clippin' stuff outta the newspapers", that kinda thing, "ya some kinda faggot or somethin'!" He smacked me around a bit. Boy, ya talk about gettin' outta the fryin' pan and into the fire. So, between him and my old man, guess ya can say I went lookin' for a dad somewhere else. So anyways, Oscar takes my hands in his and says, "I only went off on ya 'cuz I love the big lug as much as you do. I was still protectin' him, makin' sure no one hurts him - absolutely NO ONE does nothin' to Mike Batz and gets away with it. It's just like how you are with 'im. You're his sidekick through and through. So was I for a little while." "I thought you was a cop up there" "Oh, yeah, I was, but this was some spare time stuff, guess ya can say I just couldn't turn the crimefightin' off just 'cuz the uniform came off. But, in any case, I dunno if he ever told ya anything, so don't say I said nothin', but.....he, uh....." I kept starin', kinda eggin' 'im on inside, like sayin' "well, out with it then, what's with Mike, what happened", he drew a long breath and finally admitted, "now, you guard this secret with your life. If the Iraqis come and chop off your head unless ya talk, you don't say nothin', especially that ya heard it from me. My old man was on the job, took a call for domestic. He didn't think it was gonna be anything, ya know, old man don't wanna eat spaghetti for supper for the 5th time, so he throws it on the wall, that kinda stuff. He caught Mike's old man red-handed molestin' him." I was really spooked. "Holy post-traumatic stress disorders, how old was he?" "Fifteen. But he looked like he was 12, bein' kinda short back then." My heart was crushed. It hurt too much to think about. I was almost tearin' up. "Boy my old man got real pissed off and threw the bum off-a him, he really wanted to kill 'im. Then Mike's old man put up a fight, ran into a kitchen, grabbed a knife, then came out swingin', catchin' a few cops in the facem the hands, the arms, and all, then my old man broke away from the knife-swingin' and popped 'im in the head. He takes 'im in as a foster kid, nothin' official, no hagglin' with authorities or nothin', just let 'im stay around. I got to know him real good then. We were real good friends. We did have a thing, I mean, how can you resist that gravelly voice and that swagger of his?" I chuckled and said, "God knows I never could". So, as we got older, we both tried out for the force. I got in, but he didn't. Christ he was crushed. He talked about killin' 'imself. Drank a lot. He split for a while, no one heard nothin', but I was always thinkin' of 'im. Finally I find out he's a gumshoe. Like I told ya, I did some crimebustin' with 'im on my off-duty. Man, I loved bein' his sidekick, even though it was only sometimes, but you got the full-time gig, my friend. So that's what this is all about, here. Take that info I gave ya and make it good for 'im. He's all broke up inside, maybe even for life, but if you're good for 'im, that'll make it easy on 'im. Well, anyways, I gotta get goin' to see a mouthpiece about a lawsuit against the cops. They may not take me back, but at least I'll see about back pay. I think you and Mike got somewheres to go, too...." He was about to get walkin' when I took him by the arm, "uh, Oscar.....thanks for tellin' me about Mike. I'll never bring it up again, but I appreciate it just the same." Oscar grins and says, "aw, don't sweat it, kid" and pretends to throw a right hook to my jaw, which I pretend to block. "Good reflexes. Betcha bust a bunch-a bad-guy balls." "Thanks - good alliteration on ya" "Well, I learn from the best".
MIKE - I told Oscar not to sweat it, the lawsuit for his back wages, that I'd get my mouthpiece goin' on it. That's gonna be some time, I'm afraid. Her really got messed up with that whole thing. We then looked in on our wounded bellboys. They were the first hostages taken by these loathsome lepers and were both shot in the back. Luckily enough for 'em, their wounds were only skin deep, but they sure hurt like a mother. I should know, been there a few times myself. Wouldn't ya know it, they both decide to become cops. After they get outta the hospital, they're goin' straight to the PD down here and see about gettin'in. We wished them luck and headed on our way.
After a few days of R-n-R, for real this time, Eddie and me were packin' up, ready to get the hell outta dodge. He was about halfway through when he stopped and paused, somethin' really bitin' him, so I asked, "hey, kiddo, what's bitin' at ya?" "the whole thing bothers me - - those guys imitatin' the Scarecrow trap. These guys give comic readers a bad name. I read the same comics and any situation I'm in I always wonder what Robin would do. Why couldn't they have done that, too?" I walk over to 'im, puttin' my arm 'round him (any excuse'll do, right?)
"Them other guys had to have somethin' rotten deep down in the recess of their soul to be the way they are, to be easily influenced by that. You, on the other hand, have a good soul, you recognize good in others and ya wanna imitate that. Now, why do I say that? Because me and you would never have done what they did - Robin's a good role model, that's true, but he's really a fictional character." "Yeah, in the sense that there's not a real kid out there named Dick Grayson who dresses like that for crimefightin', but ya know somethin', we all look different and have different names, and all, but we're all Robin, all of us young guys." "You said it, kiddo, you really said it."