Disclaimer: This is entirely a work of fiction. I do not know the backstreet boys nor do I know their orientation. This story contains content of an adult nature so people under 18 are advised not to continue reading.
Brian and I never waited for the paramedics to come. I quickly snatched Nick's body from the bed and carried him down to our Honda Civic. Brian didn't hesitate to jump into the driver's seat. Soon, we were off to the hospital. All the while, I held Nick's naked body tightly, afraid that if I let him go, he would not return.
My head rested on his shoulder as my arms protectively wrapped around his waist. My lips brushed against his neck as I planted gentle kisses along his neck. For a moment, I seemed to be consumed in a world that only consisted of him and me. I smiled at the intimacy.
"Remember when you were young, Nick? You told me that when you grew old, you wanted to have a really big family. You wanted ten children to keep you company. You wanted a house along the beach so that you could just sit and stare at the blue beaches all day!
But I told you that you were just dreaming. I was wrong. You were right. One day, you will get your beach house. I know it. And we'll both live in Florida. You'll get your ten children. We'll adopt as many as you like. How about that? You like that?"
My heart skipped. He didn't respond. His face had gotten even paler than before.
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but for some reason, my body wouldn't obey me anymore. I kissed his nose. He didn't respond at all.
Brian was becoming hysterical again. I didn't know how we even managed to get to the ER, but we did. I sounded like a ranting madman as I screamed for help. Before I knew what had happened, they had gently placed Nick's body on a gurney and headed off to the trauma bay. They made me and Brian stay in the waiting area.
I was in the zone. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I felt cold from inside out and the only thing that kept my mind active was the possibility that Nick could live.
Anyone who saw me could have said that I was mute and dumb, but this was what Nick had reduced me to. I didn't notice when Brian had stepped out of the waiting area to give the police a call and pick up Michael's disgusting body from that mansion. Good thing too because I would have collapsed into another bout of hysterics.
Had it really been five hours since someone finally addressed me?
"Mr. Richardson?"
I flew out of my chair and instinctively pointed my face towards the voice. "Yes?" I knew I sounded meager, but I was now reduced to nearly nothing. Without Nick, I seemed rather . . . lost.
"The operation went well. A single bullet was found in Nick's abdomen and it nicked a few vessels and made a few holes in his guts, but we were able to retrieve it. He's very exhausted right now so we will have to wait and see how he does. Once he regains consciousness, we will transfer him to the floor and you could stay with him in his room."
I sighed in relief, but there was still one thing nagging at my mind, refusing to let me truly unburden myself. "Ummmmm . . . there's one more thing." I didn't know whether what I was going to say would be right, but hell, the worst was over. Nothing could possibly make the situation any worse.
After sighing for what seemed like the umpteenth time, I started. "Nick . . . Nick was raped . . . and . . . and I wanted you to check for any . . . uh . . . injuries he might have suffered." I had never been tongue tied in my life. This was definitely a day with a lot of firsts for me.
I saw the doctor's face paling rapidly. "Yes, we did . . . ummmm . . . find some semen in his rectum, but we were not sure as to whether the sex was consensual or not."
I shut my eyes, trying to envision the rape scene all over again. "The guy basically forced the anal intercourse upon Nick. I know that he . . . well . . . forced himself into Nick. Were there . . . were there any tears?"
The doctor sighed. "Actually, yes. He was bleeding more superficially. We will go ahead and do tests for sexually transmitted diseases, okay? Thank you Mr. Richardson." The doctor then frowned as he walked away.
The doctor's sigh crushed my feelings, as if it were one more boring thing to do in his line of work. For a moment, I felt my cheeks flushed with anger. Nick's chastity wasn't to be taken lightly. I wanted to shake the doctor, to let him see my disdain. But I held back. I needed them to be on my side. I needed them to nourish my Nick back to health.
I quickly went to search for Brian to tell him the news.
I stared tentatively at Nick's resting form. Brian was beside me, stiff as a bone. He had cried for almost three hours after hearing the news that Nick was okay. And both of us cried twice as hard when the doctor told us that they had done all the necessary labwork regarding Nick's sexual assault. They had gathered a lot of semen from Nick's privates and sewed up a few tears. I was actually worried that once Nick woke up, the memories of the rape would haunt him forever so that he would be even more afraid to establish physical intimacy with anyone ever again, me included.
Brian, on the other hand, was more optimistic. "You have to be strong for him, Kevin. If you're gentle with him in the future, he won't be so traumatized with physical intimacy."
I wanted to croak. There was no way that Nick would welcome any kind of an intimate touch ever again. I knew it to be a fact. But I didn't tell Brian. He had lost so much in this ordeal. I could see his head starting to turn a shade of gray from all the worry he felt for Nick.
I gazed upon Nick's gentle face, relishing in our good fortune. Nick was alive! I was about to lay down on my mattress when Nick's eyes flickered a little.
"Nick!" I whispered, afraid that any loud sound I make would startle his weak heart. "Nick!" My tongue had lost its penchant for witty remarks.
His breathing became stronger. "Kevin?" Still, he would not open his pretty eyes to look me in the eye.
"Yes? It's Kevy." I quickly took a gentle but firm hold of his hand and pulled it to my cheek, rubbing his soft skin against my bare cheek.
"Where are we?" His voice was a soft whisper, the energy seemingly drained from his body.
"In the hospital. You're safe. Michael can't hurt you anymore!" I answered excitedly, but as I mentioned Michael's name, I recognized my blunder. For the moment the name Michael escaped my lips, Nick's body stiffened.
"Michael?" he asked worriedly. I saw the pain flicker across his face. He was remembering the rape! He had to be because his muscles tensed up.
"You're safe, Nick!" I was quick to correct my mistake. "It's only Kevin and Brian here. No one else close enough to hurt you. I used my other hand to stroke his face. I didn't think it would work, but surprisingly, Nick's muscles loosened up and his breathing slowed down. I was so happy that they didn't leave that endotracheal tube in his mouth, you know, the one that they claim gives him oxygen.
I examined Nick's face a little. It lost its cool blue pallor and had turned a shade of pink again. All right, so I'm exaggerating a little, but he looked a lot more vivid than before. His eyes had returned to that natural blue hue again, which I had missed seeing so much.
Suddenly, Nick turned to face me, his eyes so focused. It was as if he had just decided something. "Kevin? You don't have to stay at the hospital tonight. I'm okay."
"Are you?" I challenged. There I go ballistic all over again trying to ruin the one chance I have left with him with all my smartass comments. "Sorry, Nick. What I meant was . . . I want to be with you. I've been kind of stubborn . . . well actually stupid, dumb and idiotic, especially after our argument yesterday. I was too foolish to see that what I really want is you."
Silence.
"Nick?" I gazed into his empty eyes.
"I'm tired." Nick's voice had that finality to it . . . like 'go away; I don't want to look at your horrid face kind of attitude'.
I lowered my face and kissed his lips roughly, making him squirm in the process. But I continued undaunted. This was what he needed-a good dose of reality. I lingered on the kiss a lot longer than he did though. When I released his lips, they looked even paler than before.
I smiled confidently at him. "Are you still tired?"
Silence.
I was beginning to get a little fraught. "Nick?"
"Yeah? I . . . didn't expect that. I didn't see it coming." His voice wavered. His face seemed a mixture of anxiety plus a subtle happiness.
"Doctor said you'd be okay. That bullet didn't hit anything vital." I had to break in the good news.
"Do I get to leave soon?" Nick asked like a little child waiting to get his first lollipop. It was too cute. I smiled down at him.
"Of course you do!" I proclaimed. I'll make sure of that. We're going to stay here a few days, but after that, we go back to Florida.
Still, Nick's face was devoid of human emotion. I gave him a few butterfly kisses and was about to go for another round of real kissing when Brian walked in on us.
"Hey Frack! You look like a million dollars!" Brian cried gleefully, ignoring the fact that we were in the middle of an intimate moment and not noticing that Nick's face didn't look like a million dollars. How I wanted to do something drastic.
"Brian!" Nick said weakly. Did I detect a little relief in his tone as well. And uh oh, Nick used Brian rather than Frick. His mood didn't seem too humorous at this moment. His lips were drawn out in a frown . . . well as much as a frown that he could muster.
Brian plopped down like a tortoise next to Nick's prone body as he leaned down and kissed Nick on the cheek. "How's my little buddy doing? I brought you some soup! I made it especially for you."
Then Brian cooed! You know, the cooing that you do to children when they're less than a year old. I was beet red from embarrassment. "Brian! He's not an infant. Stop doing that silly baby talk."
Brian completely ignored me. He leaned down to kiss Nick's forehead. He would have succeeded had I not placed my hand between his lips and Nick's face. I still haven't gotten over the fact that Michael was going to force Brian to rape Nick as well.
"Lay off, will you?" I couldn't believe I sounded so genuinely jealous. Brian looked at me strangely.
"What?" I said defensively.
"You're jealous!" Brian threw it all out in the open. No need for subtlety now.
I remained silent. I was ashamed of my action.
To my and Brian's surprise, Nick smiled. And in that little gentle voice of his, reprimanded us. "You two are so dramatic. It's funny."
That brought Brian and I to our knees. Little Nick was actually more mature than we would have thought.
I pulled my arm back allowing Brian the pleasure of finishing off his little kiss, but he didn't budge an inch. He simply glowered over Nick. He smiled a fatherly smile at Nick before standing up and making his exit. "I'll be back tomorrow morning."
Then, Brian grinned a devilish grin and looked at me. "Don't overwhelm him with your antics."
Did he know me that well? I smiled. "I'm not that annoying, am I?"
He just smirked at me before exiting, his silence appalling.
I turned around to look at Nick, whose pallor still worried me. "You're sure you're okay?" I asked bluntly.
He nodded his head slowly. "I just need rest." Was that another of his hints?
"You go ahead. I'll be right beside you." I guess I was being a hard head. I didn't want to leave at all. I was going to stay there that night if it killed me! With that said, I turned to the small bed besides Nick's and plopped on that one. I swung my legs over and lay on the bed.
I looked to Nick's face. His eyes were staring right at me. That was when I realized the seriousness in his demeanor. His expression was sad, lost. I knew that what he experienced was too much for one day. I had pretty much pulled him along on this roller coaster ride. It was I who had set the battle field up, dragging that oafish Michael into this game. It was I who forced myself upon Nick a while back, making him confront me with his love.
But I had rejected him again and again. And now, all I wanted was to redeem myself in his eyes, to once again offer my unworthy love. I knew it was time to talk, to use my deft tongue and persuade him of the possibility of a happy future. But I didn't know how to go about it. I swallowed my words before they even formed.
Nick's eyes were so sorrowful. "When Michael touched me today, I didn't think that I could go through with it."
I looked at Nick alarmingly. "Nick, if you don't want to talk about what happened today, I will understand."
Nick just shook his head. "I thought I couldn't handle him, but I guess I wasn't too traumatized. You don't have to worry about me, Kevin. I know that sometimes, bad things happen. You don't have to worry about whether I'm mentally stable or not. I've survived other things. That rape wasn't totally unexpected. I should have known that he would do something like that. I shouldn't have allowed him to keep on flirting with me."
My jaw just dropped. He was trying to make me feel better. "No. Nick, you don't have to bear the responsibility. That was a horrid thing that he did. He violated you in every way, and in front of me and Brian. We're not going to let that bastard get away with something like that. Your purity means a lot to me. But that doesn't mean I love you any less."
Nick sighed. "There you go again. Don't tease me with your promise of love. You don't need to pity me." I could sense that he was starting to get flustered.
"All right. I won't say that anymore."
Silence.
Suddenly, there was a knock on our door. A doctor came in, eyeing us uncomfortably. "Mr. Carter?" he asked.
"Yes," Nick replied.
The doctor looked rather irritated seeing me in the room. "May I have a word alone with Mr. Carter?"
I looked at Nick quizzically. Nick caught my questioning glance and said to the doctor, "It's okay. He knows about the rape."
My jaw was really open now. I was speechless for the hundredth time that day.
The doctor nodded. "We swabbed your privates and did some tests. The results should come back regarding any sexually transmitted diseases you may have contracted from the perpetrator." My muscles tensed from the doctor's words. The doctor continued. "The semen we collected will be used for DNA testing. If in fact it matches your alleged perpetrator, it could be used as evidence in court to indict him."
Nick nodded, but I could tell that the conversation was getting him nauseous. "Okay," he said weakly. He had lied to me. He was not okay. The rape was still eating him up. I could tell from the way his eyes lost their usual gleam. The doctor probably sensed it too because after he tried to soothe Nick, he excused himself.
I walked over to Nick's bed and wrapped my arms around his neck. And before I knew it, the tears started to roll out of his eyes one by one. He tried to hold them back, but didn't succeed. The trickled down his pale cheeks. He no longer saw my face. He gave me this empty stare and became silent. I never saw anything more deathlike in my life and I started to fear the worse. I didn't want Nick to lose hope. I didn't want him to lose his innocence anymore. I loved the way he used to be. I loved his childish naivete.
But the body that lay before me was deadened to the core. True his blood still ran through his vessels, but he apparently had lost his soul back in that cursed mansion. I bent down to kiss him on the lips once more, but all I received in return was a silent stare.
"Nick?" I whispered worriedly. "Give it time."
He closed his eyes and fell into a disturbing sleep.
I had a beautiful dream. I dreamt that Nick and I were walking down the aisle. I saw him dress in an elegant tuxedo and I by his side. It was a wedding ceremony. Ours, I presumed. He smiled at me with those innocent eyes of his and whispered happy thoughts into my ears.
I saw myself shaking from the anticipation and joy. We held hands down the aisle while Brian, Howie and AJ followed us to the altar. I saw Nick and I making our vows to each other and without encouragement, we kissed a pure, gentle kiss. I could hear Brian's conspicuous cheering in the background. I can never understand why Brian is so prominent in my dreams with Nick, but I guess that's a mystery I will never solve.
But I guess that the dream was the voice of my unconsciousness. I woke up in the middle of the night only to realize that the visions were unreal. I do not know what to make of them, but strangely, I felt warm and fuzzy inside. It was as if my body unleashed it's sorrow and freed itself from the darkness. Years of bitterness seemed to untangle themselves before my eyes, giving me a new hope in life.
The anger that I once bottled up inside of me turned to desire. I was starting to feel the desire, to feel the need to love and be loved. But that feeling was directed towards only one person--Nick.
I turned to look at his face. He looked so fragile on the bed. How I have never figured that out! My mind wandered to the day that I had taken advantage of him. He was fragile that day too. Then again, maybe he had always been this fragile without me realizing it. That fair skin of his . . . the boyish features. How come I wanted so desperately to break his beautiful, chaste little world and replace it with my feelings of anger and hatred? Why did I feel so compelled to hurt him when he had never wronged me in any way?
"Nick . . . " I whispered into the air. "You're not going to run away this time. You're mine to keep." With that thought said, I closed my eyes and another beautiful dream slipped into my unconscious mind. It had been so long since I had so many beautiful dreams in a row. I was starting to really miss them.