Disclaimer: I do not know the BSB, so I cannot tell you what their orientation is. The following piece of writing is a figment of my imagination. It is fiction and is not true. Plus it contains content of an adult nature so please, if you're under 18, stop reading.
Well, I guess I want to thank all of you who have emailed me . . . again! I know it hasn't been the happiest of stories, but I assure you that Nick will be all right in the end. Promise.
I had a terrible dream. I wanted to wake up so bad, but my subconsciousness refused to let it go. I saw Nick kissing another man! All right, some might not call that a nightmare, but after that long passionate kiss with Nick that night, I considered that a nightmare.
I woke up drenched in sweat, the anxiety and jealousy burning deep within me. I could have sworn that that other man that was kissing Nick was Michael! That oaf! That miserable wretched evil guy! He was out to destroy me. I knew it. But I wasn't going to let him. After what happened yesterday, I now definitely know that Nick belonged to me! To me and no one else!
I looked up at the ceiling. How I desperately wanted to be in his bed at this moment, but he kicked me out of his room! I could not believe it when he told me that the kiss had to end. Arghhhh! How could he be so insensitive? I was ready to do it then and there and he just stopped me cold turkey. Talk about playing hard to get.
I felt for the photo of the naked Nick on my chest and pulled it to my face. I smiled as I remembered how I had tricked Nick into posing for me, claiming that my mother was taking an art class and they needed nude models, but unfortunately, she couldn't find one. So Nick, being his innocent, trusting self, followed me back home during one of our vacations and posed for my mother. My mom! Sigh. She always loved me best. She went through with the whole thing, confirming my story so that I could take secret snap shots of Nick in the nude while he posed for my mother.
I still couldn't believe that I was so underhanded. That was a year ago! Did I have fantasies that long ago? Maybe, subconsciously, I always wanted Nick, but was too caught up in my silly world to notice it. But I acted on it before I felt the desire. I had fantasized about Nick naked for over a year!!!!! I just didn't admit it. Boyfriend after boyfriend, night after night, I had felt restless for over a year and now, I think I know why--because I wasn't able to express my feelings and to claim the one person I truly wanted to own for so long.
But now, the wait is over and I've finally claimed what I wanted to claim, to own what I wanted to own.
But now . . . he has leukemia. How could life be so strange? I am scared. I want to always remember his youthful face, full of joy and energy. I don't want to hold onto memories of his agony. But am I truly ready for it? What had happened last night? Did I really want the kiss, or was it just a way to prove that I could lay him again? And that part about him loving me just threw me off for a while.
Maybe, I do want to see him laugh and smile. I do want to see his crystal blue eyes sparkle. I do want to feel his cool, well-toned body sifting under my fingers.
As I drifted deeper and deeper into thought, the night passed by. It was only when I saw the sky becoming a lighter shade of blue that I realized that breakfast was drawing near. I looked at my clock. Only 5:00 am. Good! I was going to dress up nicely. We didn't have any promotions today. We were just going to get ready because that evening, we will fly back to Florida to begin dance rehearsals for the new tour.
Maybe things will look better once we get back down there. Nick was always homesick. I smiled as I took one more quick look at Nick's photo. All in all, I've seen him exposed only twice in my entire life. He was very modest. But that only made him more mysterious in my eyes. Plus, I had to admit, he was still only a teenager. They usually blush at the slightest thing. Silly boy.
It was 8:00 am when I headed towards Nick's room. To my dismay, I knocked on his door many times, but I did not hear any movement from inside. How dare he not respond to me? Or did he already go out? Did he go out with Michael? That bastard!
Michael! That big oaf! He may be annoying, but he was very sharp! A cunning competitor, but one that I was not very afraid to lose to. I quickly paced about Nick's room, trying to think of where he could be. Slowly, I headed towards the conference room, hoping that he didn't stray far from our hotel.
I was pretty close to the conference room when I heard Michael's disgustingly seductive laugh ring out from across the hallway. My blood seethed. Nick had to be in that room. Why that sly bastard! I quickly made my presence known in the room. I was not in total shock when I saw Michael throwing himself all over Nick, 'accidentally' touching him.
"Ahem!" I made sure I was loud enough so that Michael would see me. He did see me, but he completely ignored me, continuing to rub against Nick. I then imposed my presence upon them, sitting right across from Nick.
Nick looked at me with this expression I couldn't really understand. I thought I detected some mischief in it. He smiled at me and I had to admit that I melted right there, all thoughts of hatred towards Michael buried under a mound of desire.
"What were you talking about?" I asked with little concern. With people like Michael, you had to play it hard. He was good at detecting people's weaknesses and hell if he were to detect mine.
Nick was about to answer when Michael butt in. "I was just telling Nick all your horrible habits in bed, Kevy."
Oh how I wanted to rip his tongue out. "Really?" I commented dryly. "I didn't think I was that amusing."
Michael looked at me, feigning innocence. Now I really wanted to punch him, but being the gallant person I was, I refrained. "Oh, you're more entertaining that Nick here thought you would be!" Michael's disgusting voice rang in my head.
That did it! I had to find a way to remove that man from our sight. How could management hire someone so horrifyingly annoying? Maybe I should tell them that he has a crush on Nick. That would get management riled up enough to kick him off the team. But then again, the more he talked, the more I found our little game amusing.
"I don't see what's so entertaining about my bedside manners." I tried to sound unaffected while gazing at Nick.
"No! It's not what you do at the bedside, but in bed that is interesting!" Michael just had to slip that one in on me. "But I bet that Nick has more intriguing bed skills, don't you, Nick?"
I gawked. Did Michael just say that? If so, then I had to laugh. If subtlety was the essence of seduction, then that was the worst pick-up line I ever heard. I had to contain my laughter. Michael truly had lost his touch. Whatever did I see in him? The funniest thing was that he was flirting with Nick, in front of me . . . and there was no shame, not one inkling of shame in him.
Nick's face had turned crimson again. They truly highlighted his blue eyes well. He looked away. I had to veil my triumph. Michael had managed yet again to put Nick in an uncomfortable situation.
Michael, to his credit, realized his flaw and made an attempt to console. "Sleeping is an art!" He fumbled again and for the first time, I saw Michael's cheeks become a shade of pink. Funny, he never blushed whenever I was around him. I was starting to become really uneasy with his clumsiness. On the one hand, I was entertained by the fact that he was such a mess in front of Nick, but on the other hand, I was sensing something from him that I couldn't detect when me and him were in a relationship.
Could it be that he was falling for Nick? He used to be so suave, so practiced, and now, he was reduced to shear geek. I focused on his face, only to see the handsome features contorted into worry. I laughed to myself. So this is my competitor! Not much of a challenge if you ask me. My confidence was welling inside of me. Let him have Nick for a day. See if he can convert Nick! I bet him a million dollars that he could not mold Nick's love. Nick had promised his love to me last night. He didn't say it last night, but the fact that I could kiss him without him struggling was proof enough that I owned his heart.
Such youth are brash in their love. They love without seeing their lover's hearts. They love without thinking. They love so blindly. And Nick was truly young and of the same mindset. Nothing Michael did now could change Nick's outlook. I had to admit that sometimes I amazed myself. So even the young cute blond one of the group was mine to touch, mine to control, mine to pleasure myself.
I suddenly noticed that Nick's eyes were on me. "Yeah, sleeping is an art!" I repeated Michael's line carelessly, feeling the boredom run through my veins again. Why did Michael have to be so dry?
Nick raised an eyebrow. "Really? I would have never known." It was funny how he acknowledged his virtually absent sex life yet still make himself look rather appetizing. Well, I guess starting tonight, I should teach him a thing or two about sensuality. I bet he would be a good student judging from how well he learned how to kiss last night.
As I thought about last night, I sighed contentedly. I didn't try to remove any of his clothing last night. Now why was that? Was it because that after learning about his leukemia, I became a little soft? Or was it because I felt my confidence chipping away last night. I had thought about it all night, about how I became so strangely gentle yesterday. But the truth was, I'm not like that. I usually don't have emotions to bother myself with.
Then what was last night? I had let myself yield to Nick. I did not push to have sex when he did not want to. But that should not happen again. Maybe I was overwhelmed with the piece of information about his leukemia. But now that I had a whole night to think about it, I had to remember our relationship. Nick had in fact pledged his love to me. In essence, he was now like one of my ex-boyfriends. Just because I love him a little more than the others doesn't mean that I have to change for him, right?
A relationship requires both people. In essence, Nick has to make his own sacrifices to accommodate my needs as well, doesn't he? Otherwise, it's not a relationship. How could he possibly think of having a relationship, a long-term relationship, with me if he doesn't have the sex to offer me to keep my desire alive? Well, tonight, I would have to broach the subject. He's no longer young. He needs to understand that to keep a relationship alive involves more than just talking and kissing. We have libidos for a reason. And his body is in fact one of the most alluring things about him.
My mind drifted back to the sex we had not too long ago. Man, that was raw and wonderful. To think that now, I can access it anytime I want to, that I can have him strip for me at my own pleasure. Nick was good. I didn't even know he had a crush on me until yesterday. But now that his secret is out, he had placed himself before me. I was too shocked to think it through yesterday. How could I have possibly thought that I put the ball back in his court when he had so blatantly placed his love on the table for me to do as I so desired?
Well, now that I know about his love, I intend to utilize it. He had a good body for love-making. All his assets were strikingly beautiful, not to mention youthful and healthy. The curves were just right. But what am I thinking? Well, at least the old Kevin is back. It felt comfortable again. I wasn't used to being so selfless as I was yesterday.
But what was it yesterday that had made me stray from my usual path? All this thinking about sex is now making me feel weird. Again, the question came up. Is it Nick's soul or Nick's sex that I wanted? Obviously I will get both so that doesn't help me resolve the issue. I need to talk to somebody. Let Michael escort Nick for a day. I have nothing to worry about. I need to talk to Brian. Maybe he could help me sort out this mess.
I stared back at Nick's calm blue eyes. To my dismay, thoughts of him dying filled my mind. Why was he causing me so much pain? All right, Kevin. Think about sex. Think about sex with Nick. But that didn't help. I couldn't get the image of him in a hospital bed out of my mind.
I was confused. I needed to think. I needed a way out. Suddenly, Nick's love did not look appetizing anymore. I was starting to feel like I was strapped down by his love. I was starting to feel that his love was a burden rather than a conquest.
"The weather is really great today! Want to go to the park or would you rather get steamed in the sauna?" I heard Michael ask Nick. I didn't care, really.
"Sauna sounds great," I replied without enthusiasm. Where could Brian be? I needed to talk to him.
I didn't notice as Nick gave me this look and then looked at Michael appreciatively.
"Sure, sauna sounds nice," Nick's voice was sure sweet. I didn't even notice the disappointed look in Nick's face. I guess I was too preoccupied at the moment. I needed to talk to Brian.
"Well, you guys have a good time," I said carelessly as I walked out of the room. I didn't even notice that flicker in Nick's eyes as he began to withdraw some of his love for me. I didn't notice at all! And if I had known then that that was the beginning of something even darker than what my life was, I would have paused and looked back. I would have joined them at the sauna. I would have kept the little flame that Nick had for me going.
But I didn't do that. I walked out of the room, extinquishing that little flame. I was too absorbed to realize that Nick was more observant than I had given him credit for. I had been to lost in my own thoughts to see the damage I was inflicting. And I was foolish--foolish to have thought that my suaveness would work at any time, that my polished character could drive any man's fury away and bring him back to me. Of course, that was brash confidence on my part because Nick was not just any man.
It was true that I loved him. It was all true. But why did I talk myself into and out of loving him? Why did I think that I had the upper hand? Why did I not worry about losing Nick's love until it was too late? Perhaps because we had barely begun and I did not think that I loved him deep enough to worry about him leaving me. It was only after he came back from that sauna with Michael did I realize that my love for him had become subconscious, that it, in fact, was not trivial or shallow at all.
But by then, Michael had transformed from a weak, tamed, mild competitor to one that was actually threatening. He had softened when I became hard. He knew how to play it by the rules when I had faltered. He knew how to take advantage of Nick's gentle heart when I had bruised it. And that was when I knew that I had underestimated Michael. He was the most dangerous competitor of all. And that was when I began to fear. I feared that he might actually win this race.
There you have it. I managed to put Michael back in the race. Took my quite a while, but I guess I did it! Comments? ngclle@yahoo.com
I love email so if you have a few seconds, want to express you opinion/discontent with my story, go right ahead!