This is a fictional story. It is based on many experiences and fantasies of the author. If you are really into graphic sex, it may not satisfy your purpose for coming here. If you like to hear of real love and real teen angst, with a little sex thrown in, you are in the right place. There may be some amount of graphic sex between males. If this is objectionable to you, or you are legally too young to be here, you are cordially invited to press your back button.
Characters: Denny (Dennis Andrew Miggs), 20
Garth Roth, 22
Randy Small, 24
Bob, Denny's Brother 3 years older
Gail, Bob's wife
Jack, Denny's oldest brother, 9 years older
Jack's son's, Jacky, Bobby And DennyToo
Denny's dad, James
Denny's mom, Carol
Ray, Denny's dad's Deputy D.A. friend
Randy's mom and step dad, who shall remain nameless!
Roddy, Flight Attendant
Rollie, Garth's dad
From Chapter 11:
I went back to the school, and finished up my classes. I begged out of my band practice. I shouldn't have. It only gave me more time in my room.
I alternated between feeling jealous of Roddy and Randy, feeling guilty that Garth was barely gone, and I was even worrying about those other two, and actually grieving for Garth. My dad called to check in. "You going to be okay tonight?"
(NO!)
"Yes" I lied. And I wasn't. As soon as my head hit the pillow -- Garth's pillow -- I started remembering everything we ever said and did. I cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. Soon it was 8:00 AM and my radio came on. I hadn't slept at all, but I felt somehow cleansed. I thought about what a jerk I had been the day before. How guilty I felt -- worrying about them and not -- but wait!
I got down on the floor -- on my knees again. "Father, thank you for giving me some peace. Please forgive me for being such an ass -- sorry, such a jerk yesterday. I hope Garth was not there -- and that he could not read my mind! In your Son's name, Amen"
I thought I heard a still small voice saying, "You were right the first time -- ASS!"
Chapter 12
My peace was short lived. Oh maybe not. But This night was the worst of all. Should I have let my family -- my friends "help" me? No, I could not avoid this. I had to go through it to be released from it.
After I finished praying -- the second "real" prayer in my life -- Just as he did his own Son, God left me to struggle with my demon. And struggle I did. As I was arising from my knees, it seemed to hit me all at once. As if I had not considered it before, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of complete helplessness. More than any other emotion I ever felt, it came out of seemingly nowhere and consumed me.
Garth was dead! I would never see him again in this life. I wanted to cry out and howl like a wild animal, but I could not do that with these thin walls. I gathered myself -- my emotions inside me and shakily took myself the two long blocks to where my car was parked. I climbed in, and drove to the beach -- 45 minutes away. I went down to where the crashing surf could swallow up my cries and let out my frustration, my pain, my grief. I screamed so loud that I could not hear the surf, knowing that for anyone else, my insignificant voice was swallowed up in the sounds of the ocean.
I felt like throwing myself into the wild surf and letting it take me and crash me onto the rocks nearby. But I knew that was not the answer -- not for me. But I felt like it. I felt like I was alone -- for eternity. I weeped like a baby for awhile, then wailed like the dead in hell for a bit longer. I curiously did not cry out against God. But I cried out to him, "Why!? Why do I have to endure so much?!!"
As soon as I did that, I felt a calm come over me. I still felt empty inside. I still felt like my life was over. I still felt like I had swallowed Draino. But suddenly, it was like I accepted it or something. Then I DID take myslf down and threw myself into the surf. But only the edge. I rolled in it. I exulted in the cool water soaking my shirts, my jeans, my shoes. If anyone was there, they would have called out the guys in white coats!
I took myself back to my car. I opened the door and collapsed in the driver's seat. Thank goodness for vinyl seats! I reclined the seat. Back away from the surf, and into the relative sanctuary of my sealed up car, widows closed, darkness outside, I heard myself breathing. Somehow I had lived through it. Giving in one more time, I wept with abandon. There was no voice left. I rasped out a weak, hoarse, pathetic wail, and went limp from exhaustion. God must have been watching out for me. There was no black and white to tell me to move on -- to go home, because it was past curfew here at the beach.
The sun woke me up. I looked at my watch. 5:30 AM. I had stayed there in the parking lot, overlooking the rocky beach, all night. I stretched and yawned. Then it came back to me. Not the pain. Not the desolate feeling of being abandoned. But as I woke up more, being more aware of where I was -- and why -- I felt clean. I also itched like hell! My clothes -- and every crevice and opening in my skin -- were filled with sand. I was still wet. But I still felt clean.
I drove back to the dorm. I was glad it was too early for others to be up. There was one girl who was sneaking out of a room, who gave me a curious look. No more than that. I unlocked my door and went directly in to the bathroom. I ran the hot water, then peeled my clothes off and stepped in the shower.
I washed off all the salt, sand, dirt and sweat from the last 24 hours. As I returned to my bedroom, I noticed that my message light was blinking. I hit play and there were a number of messages:
(BEEP!) Hi Denny. Hope you are okay. Call us! Love you! (This was Dad)
(BEEP!) Hey, Dude, this is Randy. Roddy picked me up and brought me over here to your parents' house. Your parents are so cool! Call me!
(BEEP) Denny -- Rod here. Your parents are kind of concerned because they have not heard from you.
(BEEP) Dennis, your father and I are beginning to get quite worried. It is quite late and you are not home. I thought you would be getting ready for your flight, at least. Please call, Dear.
(BEEP!)
(BEEP!)
(BEEP!)
I started to dial my folks number and there was a loud banging on my door. "DENNY! Open up!"
I walked over and unlocked the door.
"Hello?" My mom answered the phone. My dad rushed into the room. He looked worried and angry.
"Mom. It's Denny." I tried to say. It came out as a whisper. I could not talk. When my dad heard that, his look softened.
"Oh my God -- are you all right?" I gave the phone to my dad, pointing to my throat.
"This is James Miggs. Who am I speakin - "
"James, this is Carol. What's wrong with Denny?"
"He seems to have lost his voice. But he looks fine. I will call you back." He hung up the phone.
"What's going on, son?" He started. "We have tried all night to contact you. I figured there was some explanation, but your mom -- well you KNOW her. She was climbing the walls!"
I felt like an idiot. I whispered, "Dad, I'm sorry. I fell asleep at the beach last night. It never occurred to me that everyone in the country would be calling me. I just got home."
"Well, with what your friend did to himself, - we all were a bit worried!"
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to worry anyone. I would never do that!"
"Can you come home with me now. It would mean so much to your mom!"
"Well -- I -- I have a class, but -- I am not having any problems in it. I can miss it. But I will need to come back to pack later."
"Maybe all three of you can come back together. Randy said there are a few things he needs from here too. Roddy spent the night with Randy last night, so he is there too."
My heart sunk. "Just let me throw some clothes on." I was still in my towel. I got dressed, and followed dad out. I drove my own car, since Roddy's would be too small for all of us to come back in. When we got on the road, I started thinking about Randy -- how close I felt to him. Like a brother? No it was more than that. I tried to push images of him and Roddy from my mind. But I couldn't. Randy wasn't too sure if he was gay or not -- but -- if he was -- then he should be mine!
It was mostly an observation. I was not exactly emotional over it. I felt cheated in a way -- but reminded myself that this could all be in my head. And - - - there was this peace I still felt. It was a strange feeling. Like my head was telling me one thing, and my heart was telling me another. Except it was all backwards. My head was saying that Randy was supposed to be mine. My heart was saying it did not matter. Weird!
When we got to the house, it was not quite 7:00 AM. We quietly went in. My mom was in the kitchen waiting. She ran to me and about smothered me. "I'm all right, Mom," I whispered, "I went to the beach to sort things out and fell asleep. That's all. Sorry I caused such a furor." I added, "I'll be back -- gotta go pee!"
I went into the bathroom that adjoins mine and my brothers rooms. When I finished my business there, I quietly opened the door to my room. There on my bed, were Randy and Roddy, wound up together like two peas in a pod. Randy was awake and had a slight smile on his face. When he noticed the door open, he looked at me. His smile widened, and he gave Roddy a gentle squeeze. That spoke volumes to me. I backed out of the room.
______________________________________-
After breakfast, we went back to the dorm and packed, then to Roddy's place in Redondo Beach. We arrived, in my car, at the airport an hour early. Because of Roddy's pass, we got into the employee parking lot, and were ushered into the first class lounge. Roddy got us bumped up to first class, and got himself assigned there. He sat next to Roddy most of the time he was not serving people.
We were picked up at the airport by Rollie. He was of course pretty somber -- and so were we. I was going to ask if he would mind if I stayed with my friends, but before I could say anything, he told me how his wife was looking forward to having me there. I also figured (and was a little worried) this would be a chance for Roddy and Randy to bond -- or not.
The funeral service was not until 2:00 PM the next day (Saturday) but as soon as we dropped the others off, Rollie aske me if I would help dress Garth for the viewing. I was appalled! I know that his dad meant it as a compassionate thing, but I was frealed. I didn't want to turn him down -- so I didn't. We went straight to the Funeral home.
I won't describe the process, but take my word for it -- it was not something I'd like to do again soon. He was cold -- straight out of the cooler. His body that would be covered was mostly gray. And of course, stiff! It was hard to get the clothing on him. The shirt had to be slit up the back to get it on. Okay, I said I wasn't going to describe it. One more thing. His face was thick with makeup. There was a big glob on his right temple where the bullet went in. His eyes were closed. He had a surrealistic and errie smile pasted on.
Enough of that! I'm not sure why Rollie wanted me to do that. Maybe I wasn't as much "in love" as I thought? I don't know. But it was hard, because I kept imagining the look on his face at the moment of death. At least the undertaker was able to fix that. But it hurt me to imagine it. It was creepy, actually. This was not Garth. He was somewhere else. This was just a shell where he lived in mortality. Garth's dad was pretty grim about it, but only broke down once. I felt guilty that I didn't. But I kept telling myself that Garth was somewhere else.
When that task was completed, He took me home. I called the other guys, but there was no answer. I felt out of place. If Garth was here watching, I hoped he was pleased. I was surprised I was invited. I had the impression that Garth's parents -- his dad specifically, were not pleased about this side of him -- the side that included me -- as a lover! There were lots of others there -- relatives that were from out of town. Everyone was polite to me. I doubt that our relationship was mentioned to anyone else. I was introduced as Garth's best friend. True enough!
Because of all the extra relatives, I'm sure tht's why Randy and Roddy were not invited to stay there. And the way they had been acting, I rather imagine that they were not very disappointed! Luckily, I was so involved, visiting with the relatives, I didn't have much time to think about what my two friends were up to -- but I did think about it: why they were not answering their phone. Were they swimming? Maybe they were in the shower, or - - -.
There was a nice buffet supper that seemed to be provided and served by the women in their church. I was sitting gingerly on a couch, trying to balance a plate on my knees and protecting a cup of coffee that I had placed between my feet, when I looked toward the door. Rollie had just opened it, and in walked a rather tall guy who instantly reminded me of superman! He was well built, probably at least 6'-4" tall, dark brown hair. He looked around the room and when our eyes met, I looked away.
He made the rounds of nearly everyone in the room, hugging and chatting, occasionally laughing. He and I both caught each other looking several times. When I would catch him, he would quickly turn away. Once, When he caught me, I smiled at him, and he smiled back, then turned red. He seemed pretty sure of himself, but had a little boy quality about him that was very appealing to me.
Finally he made his way around the room to me. By this time, I was almost shaking with -- anticipation -- and fear. I still had this guilt thing going on -- about feeling attracted to another guy, while Garth was barely cold! And for all I knew, he might have been in the room! I tried to act cool, as he finally stood in front of me.
"Hello," he siad, "I'm Garth's cousin -- no, don't get up!" he had a very wonderful and melodious baritone voice, and the most mellow sounding southern accent! I nearly creamed my jeans just hearing his voice! He extended his hand. I had to put down my fork, and I took his hand. "My name's Rob. Actually, Robert E. Lee Balser. But everyone calls me Rob."
I sat there, my mouth fully open for too long. Luckily there was no food in it! Just before I started to drool, he asked, "And what shall I call you?"
I started to speak, but I was still pretty hoarse. But I squeeked out, "Denny -- Dennis Miggs."
For some reason this made him blush again, as he said, "Oh! You're Denny! Garth told me about you. I am a couple years older than he, but he and I were always the greatest buddies!" I wondered how much he told this Rob! As soon as he learned who I was, he sat down next to me. "You and Garth were very close too, I guess -- at UCLA?"
"Yes." I rasped.
"I am at UCSB -- well for another couple months. I will graduate this year."
UCSB! Who woulda guessed, with that accent! That's only a couple hours away!
He continued, "We should get together sometime! I don't know where I will be going after graduation, but I love southern California."
"That would be nice." I rasped. "Sorry, stayed too long at the beach last night."
"That's okay. Save your voice. But I wanna talk before the weekend is over"
So did I! This must be the cousin Garth talked about all the time. The one who taught him about "hug-therapy". You better believe I wanted to talk to him! There was something about him -- something that got me to hoping -- maybe -- but no! I dared not even hope! Especially with the funeral not yet behind me! I finished my meal and tried to stand up, holding the plate, fork and cup. It was not easy from the position I was in. Rob grabbed my elbow. "Let me give you a hand."
I'd love to take your hand! I'd love to make your acquaintance! I'd love - - -.
After he helped me up, he moved on to someone else, giving her a big hug, and talking entusiastically. I took my dishes toward the kitchen but one of the church ladies took it from me. I went down the hall toward Garth's old room. They had given it to me for the weekend. It was not late -- even earlier, considering Kansas was 2 hours ahead of California. But I was exhausted. I closed the door and turned off the light.
There was a gentle knock at the door. I was on top of the bed covers, still dressed. The door opened a crack. "Sorry to wake you, but it's time to get up."
I was completely disoriented. "Wha -- I -- where - " It was still dark in the room. The door opened a little more, and from the light in the hall, I could see Garth's dad. "Oh, hi Rollie." My voice was alittle better. Is it -- morning?"
"Yup!" he answered. "We need to meet at the church a little early to talk to the minister and the funeral director, to tell us what to do. Breakfast in 15, k?"
"K. Thanks!" He closed the door. I grabbed a towel and headed for the bathroom. I almost bumped into Rob, clad only in a towel, and still a little wet. The bathroom light was already on, and he was carrying his shaving kit. He was slightly in front of me.
"Oh!" I said. "I'll come back."
"No!, come on in! I'll just be shaving. We have to be in the kitchen in 15 minutes, so you better take your shower now. You don't mind?"
I came in and closed the door behind me. I felt very self conscious as I took off my clothes in front of this mostly naked God! I quickly stepped into the shower. Lucky for me, there was a very opaque shower curtain. I turned on the water and thought I better do something about this growing problem just below my waist. I was "whippin' it good", when the showere curtain parted, and Rob stuck his hand in with a bar of soap! I about had a heart attack!
"Sorry! I took it to shave!" he hollered over the fan. I took the soap and his hand disappeared. So did my problem! When I was finished in the shower, Rob was gone.
After breakfast, Rollie took Rob and me to the church. The other pall bearers were from in town, so they came from their own homes. Before we started in our instruction, the pastor asked us to bow in prayer. We circled up, and the pastor took Rollie's hand, and he took the guy next to him, and so on. Rob was next to me. I have no idea what the pastor prayed for. I was getting what I wished for! His huge hand held mine so gently! My hand was cold and his was warm -- wonderfully warm!
After the prayer, the pastor went over the outline of the program. I froze as he said, "And as Garth's best friend, I'm sure you will want to say a few words to the congregation."
No I didn't! But I could not say it! Then he gave the floor to the funeral director. He told us how to carry the casket, and then he opened it for us. The clothes were the same,. But they were more perfectly situated on his body. But this was not the same body we dressed yeaterday. This was a very peaceful looking boy, the one I knew -- looking like he was asleep.
They had somehow -- miraculously -- softened his features, fixed the makeup, combed his hair to perfection, I could not even see the place on his tenple this morning! As I saw him lying there, looking every bit as I last remembered him, I started to breath heavy and then to sob quietly. Then I completely broke down. Rod and then Rollie put their arms around me and before long we were all weeping together. Just the three of us. The other three pall bearers, more distant family members, just stood looking on uncomfortably.
I sat next to Rob during the funeral service. Someone had gone to the motel and gotten Randy and Roddy. Time was like, forgotten. I chatted about this and that with my new friend. I asked him how he came to come way out to California.
"I grew up there." He answered me. I looked at him incredulously. "Oh! My accent? Heh! I don't even hear it. I was born in Louisiana, but we moved to southern California when I was 8. I guess I just sort of couldn't shake the accent. Well, I heard it at home all the time."
" - - - and now we will hear form Garth's best friend, Dennis Miggs." The pastor announced. I froze! I felt trapped! I had forgotten all about that, as I sat next to Rob, totally enthralled by every word he spoke. There was an uncomfortable pause in the program. "Brother Miggs?"
Rob could see me shaking. He put his hand on my thigh. "Just tell them what Garth meant to you -- why you loved him."
I shakily got up and made my way to the podium. I spoke into the mike. My voice was still a little hoarse. "Hi. I've never done this before. I mean spoken from any kind of podium." I made a face. "Pretty scary!" There was an empathetic titter from the congregation. "Well, I only met Garth last fall, when we were put in the same room at a UCLA dorm. He was kind of shy at first. It wasn't immediately noticeable, because he covered it well, by being bold. He called everyone the same name: `Dude!' " That got a knowing laugh from most of the people.
"Garth and Randy and I quickly became great friends." I looked at Randy, and he was trying his best to not cry. "I was called Garth's best friend. It was -- it was -- more than that. I - " I caught Garth's dad's eye. He looked extremely worried. "We were -- uh -- more like brothers, in a very short period of time." Rollie relaxed, but looked visibly shaken.
"I don't know what to tell you about Garth that you don't already know. He was easy to love. I can say that. I loved him more than -- more than -- even I realized -- until it was -- it was -- maybe too late. I feel good though -- that I told him. And usually, for some stupid reason, guys don't tell each other how much we really love one another. The love is there - but we -- just -- don't express it. Well, Garth and I, in the close quarters of our dorm room, did express it. And Randy too! Maybe we should all take a lesson from this. Don't wait until it's too late to tell a friend you love him -- or her. Uh -- okay -- that's all -- thanks!"
I sat down. Well, it was more like I collapsed! My legs gave out as I was going down into my place in the pew. Someone else was saying something rather phony about Garth. I tuned out, and then the tears started to flow. Rob put his arm around me and offered me a clean handkerchief. I took it. "That was beautiful, Denny! I don't think there was a dry eye in the church! You had me worried there for a few moments, though."
I took a sharp intake of breath and looked at him. "Garth told me, Denny." He whispered in my ear. "At first I was the only one who knew. I was the one that persuaded him to tell his parents. As far as I know no, one else knows." That brought me out of my crying! He squeezed me even closer. I looked up at Rob and tried to smile. "I told you I wanted to talk later!" He smiled.
I looked over and back at Randy. He and Roddy were both looking our way. He raised his eyebrows, and silently mouthed, "WOW!" I felt the blood filling up my face. Soon the service was over. The casket was closed, and we carried it out to the hearse. It was transported to the gravesite and the grave was blessed by the pastor. He was lowered down and a few more words were spoken. After a few flowers and some dirt was cast into the hole, we left for a luncheon at the church, for close family and friends. Because of my remarks, Randy was invited, and along with him, Roddy.
As soon as Randy could get me alone, he was all over me! "Who's the big guy?"
"Man, for a straight guy, you are sure intrigued by a new face -- a cute, new, MALE face!" I teased.
"Denny, I ummmm -- I'm not so sure about -- uh -- being a `straight guy'."
"That's a great big `DUH'!" I quipped. "You have not exactly hidden your fascination with the flight attendant!"
"Oh -- that." He turned a little green. Speaking to the floor, he continued, "Well, I'm sorry -- I really am. You saw him first. I feel really badly about that. But once we discovered our past -- well -- not relationship -- but definitely it was `interest' in each other -- things have been on fast track. I hope this does not ruin our relationship."
"Heck no! I still wanna suck your dick!" I couldn't resist!
"Um -- about that -- I -- uh - "
"Randy -- shut up! Don't you know when I am joking?"
"Well -- I was hoping -- it's just -- I never had a brother, Denny -- and you are as close as I will ever have."
"Randy, This has been an incredible week. My life will never be the same. I have never been so torn, and hope I never will. I have been so mixed up and shattered -- one day at a time! I thought I had lost Garth. When he asked me to wait, my hopes soared, but then I met Roddy, and I was -- well, obviously -- intrigued. So I suffered incredibly because of guilt over my feelings toward Garth. And then there was you!"
"Me?"
"Of course. We joked around about being `suck buddies', but my feelings for you were so much deeper than that. All of these were plaguing me at the same time. I am still reeling. In a way, I lost you, Roddy and Garth in a matter of about three days! How fucked is that?"
"What about this -- what is his name, anyway?"
"Who -- Rob? The big guy?"
"Yeah."
"Rob is the cousin that Garth told us about -- the guy who taught Garth about hugs!"
"Well, you seem to have gotten pretty close to him!"
"Not at all. Garth told him about me and he was the only one who knew about Garth's attraction to men. He is just a nice guy."
"A very touchy-feely guy, if he's not gay."
"Boy are YOU stuck in stereotype city! He learned about hugs in a seminar and he knows how human touch can calm anyone's spirit."
"Yeah -- and I suppose that's all it did for you -- just `calmed your spirit'!"
"You are really full of it today!" I said, feeling he was hitting too close to the mark -- my mark! I was saved by Roddy walking up. It still made me ache a little as his finger grazed the top of Randy's hand.
"So what secret things are you two discussing so quietly over here?"
Ignoring his remark, Randy said, "Did you get anything to eat yet?"
"Not yet. Are you trying to change the subject?" Roddy said.
"Yes, I am!" Randy answered. "I was talking to my brother!"
Cowed by this rebuke, Roddy said, "Well, I have seen the food table and it looks very inviting!"
"Well," I said, "Let's eat then!"
After we ate, Rollie asked if we needed anything. We told him no and thanked him for his hospitality.
"You're not leaving already are you?'
"No, we don't fly out of KC until tomorrow morning."
"Oh yeah -- I made the reservations! I asked my nephew -- Rob -- to drive you to the airport tomorrow. He has a rental car and his plane leaves shortly after yours. Oh, Rob! We were just talking about you!"
"Not all bad, I hope."
"Definitely! Maybe you and these fellows should get together and plan your escape." Rollie said. "They are staying at the same motel you are -- well at least two of them are. I wanted to ask you, Denny -- would it be possible for you to stay over there with your friends tonight? Some of our out of town relatives could use the bed you are in -- and I am sure you would like to be with your friends."
Randy said, "We have only one bed, but I'm sure we can find room. I'll kick Roddy out onto the floor!"
"No need for that!" Rob said. "I have plenty of room in my suite. Denny, why don't you stay with me!"
"Then it's settled! Well, you boys have lunch now, and -- feel free to take some back for later tonight!"
The emotions that were coursing through me were indescribable. I was actually going to be spending the night with this God! I felt paranoid, like everyone else could see me glowing or something! I looked at Randy and he was smiling a goofy smile. With that bandage on his head, he looked rather pathetic. But I knew what he was thinking. After we ate, we said our good-byes to Rollie and Garth's mom. They both gave me warm hugs. Rollie said, "Don't be a stranger", but I'm sure both of us knew we would never see each other again.
When we got back to the motel, Rob helped me take my stuff into his room -- actually suite. As we entered, there was a living room, with a kitchenette, and a large dining table and a bath. The bedroom was of course another room, attached, with it's own entry, so they could easily make it into two rooms if needed. It had two king sized beds. (Darn!) "I guess you get that one." Rob said, pointing to the furthest one. I've already slept in this one."
We all met out at the pool, and relaxed and played there until it grew too cold. We went back to Rob's room and ate the stash we brought back from the buffet. "You guys like to play Rook?" We took our dinner stuff to the sink and sat down for a game or two. It wasn't too late when Roddy said, "I better get my patient here to bed early. He needs his rest." They left. Now I was alone with Rob.
"I'm so glad that we got an opportunity to spend some time together, Denny. Garth didn't tell me a lot about you -- only that he and you were -- well -- that he loved you!"
"He told you that?" I asked.
"Yes. He and I have always been very close. Even though we haven't lived that close for years -- we kept in constant contact. He wrote to me from school when he came out to UCLA. We planned to get together, but my schedule -- with theses and exams looming before graduation -- was impossible. Had I known - "
His eyes got glassy. "Anyway, yes, he told me he loved you. That was about two weeks ago." He looked into my eyes, which now were flowing freely. "Sorry," he said.
"No, it's okay," I said, "I want to talk -- if it is okay with you?"
"Oh, totally!" Rob said. "Anyway, he told me at the beginning of the semester that he was struggling with his sexuality. Then He called me when he went home at Christmastime. He was so stressed! He thought his dad would have a stroke if he told him -- what you meant to him. Uncle Rollie didn't react like he thought, but in his mind it didn't seem to matter. He was tortured by the thought of being gay!"
Rob talked so easily about the gay issue, I had to wonder if he was, too. "It was pretty hard for me, too," I said, "and I KNEW I was gay. But it was always bad! No "Real man" was gay. I kept my secret closely guarded."
"I talked to Garth the night before he - " tears rolled down this giant's face, "The night before did it. I pleaded for him to take it easy, afraid that -- fearing he was not stable enough, but -- I felt so powerless to do anything." Rob looked in agony. "Denny -- I could have flown back here and -- (SOB!) SAVED him! And I was too damned involved with mySELF to hear his obvious cry for help!" The he broke down. I was with him every step of the way.
"Rob -- it was NOT so obvious!" I pleaded. "It may seem like it -- looking back -- but it wasn't! I'm sure his parents have struggled with the same things that you -- and I -- are right this moment. But -- at least for me -- I could not imagine being so depressed that I would shoot my self - " Garth's image -- with the plug of makeup I had seen on his temple when we were dressing him, shot through me like a bolt of lightning! I cried out! "Rob," I took several gulps of air, "I -- I -- We -- none of us -- could not have known!"
Rob got up and grabbed the cards, put them in their box. He then just stood there, looking at my wet eyes, with equally wet eyes. He then stretched out his arms to me. I slowly stood and went into his embrace. He had a way of hugging that even Garth did not show me. He placed his feet apart just enough so one of my legs went between his. We were fully clothed, but other than that we were as close as two humans could be. He pressed his hand on my back to bring us closer. I could feel his groin in my stomach, and could feel mine pressing between his legs. My head was on his chest and we stood there for a long time crying and rubbing each other's backs.
Finally he let me go. I felt as if I had been part of him for a moment. We still were touching -- holding hands -- as we stood for another long moment -- lost in each other's eyes.
"I guess we should get some sleep tonight!" he said. He went to the bathroom, leaving the one in the bedroom for me. I left my boxers on to sleep in. I was already in bed when he came in, clad in pajamas. He climbed in his bed and turned off the light by it.
As I lay there, thinking of the tumultuous week I had, I started to sniff again. I felt a big hand touch my shoulder. I looked his way. His arm was stretched out between our beds. I touched his hand and he took mine. "We're gonna be great friends, Denny!"
When I woke up to the phone ringing our wake up call, My eyes opened to look directly into his. He was awake and seemed to be watching me sleep.
"Rob?"
"M-hm?"
"Are you gay?"
"I wondered if you were going to ask. I fought it -- with everything I had -- up until earlier this year. I was even engaged to this girl. We're still friends. It's a long story. But I finally had to admit it to myself. Yeah -- I'm gay. Heh! All of my close friends are gay! Guess I had no chance. Musta caught it from them!" we both giggled at that.
"Are you -- that is -- I mean" I stammered, "Are you with anyone -- at the moment?"
"I have never been with anyone. I was really fond of this little guy who is more like a brother, Seth, but it's too MUCH like he's my brother. And the only guy I ever kissed was another young guy. I can't even remember his name! Were thrown together by an emergency. He is almost as tall as me. Oh! His name is Lenny! He and I were both pretty mixed up that night. He was already in kind of a relationship, and I was -- well, had just admitted it to myself that I was gay. One thing led to another and we found ourselves alone in a parking lot of a restaurant. It was a cold night and the windows had gotten fogged up from talking. Before I knew it we were kissing! He's the only guy I ever kissed. I was so ashamed!" His expression changed. "You know what my friends -- all gay -- told me when I told them, don't you?"
"Something like, DUH!?"
"That's EXACTLY what they said! I wonder how many times it is that everyone else knows before the gay guy knows!" He looked down and his pajamas were tented. He looked down at mine -- but my covers were still around me. He turned red. "Excuse me -- better get dressed." and he jumped out and headed for the other room.
I got dressed and we knocked on the other guys' door. Roddy answered, looked at us and gave me an undeserved "knowing look"! Rob drove us to the airport, and insisted in treating us all to breakfast before taking us to our terminal. We hugged goodbye (Only Rob and I) and he drove off.
As soon as he was two car lengths away, Randy and Roddy, grinning, both exclaimed, "Well -- what happened?"
"Nothing."
Notes: Thanks to all of you who have written to me. Experience has told me that for every one who writes, there are 5 -- 10 who don't. For those who don't, please take note. I tend to bring old characters back from prior stories I have written. My faithful readers love it, because they have fallen in love with these characters, and want to know what is going on in their lives. And often one or two are pivotal in the development of my latest story line. Such is the case in the next few chapters. I don't plan what I write ahead, but this is a given -- and my older readers know this.
If you will go to /nifty/gay/college/colins-story/ first, and then to /nifty/gay/college/chris-crossed/ , I promise you will not be disappointed.
Thanks again for encouraging me to continue. Send any comments to: Steve at s4d@hotmail.com.
Love you all! Steve