This is a fictional story. It is based on many experiences and fantasies of the author. If you are really into graphic sex, it may not satisfy your purpose for coming here. If you like to hear of real love and real teen angst, with a little sex thrown in, you are in the right place. There may be some amount of graphic sex between males. If this is objectionable to you, or you are legally too young to be here, you are cordially invited to press your back button.
Characters: Denny (Dennis Andrew Miggs), 20
Garth Roth, 22
Randy Small, 24
Bob, Denny's Brother 3 years older
Gail, Bob's wife
Jack, Denny's oldest brother, 9 years older
Jack's son's, Jacky, Bobby And DennyToo
Denny's dad, James
Denny's mom, Carol
Ray, Denny's dad's Deputy D.A. friend
Randy's mom and step dad, who shall remain nameless!
Roddy, Flight Attendant
From Chapter 10:
We were on my bed. I just kept my face on Dad's chest. I shook my head. "I don't know, Dad. "You're right. I am very confused! I should not have made that date with Roddy!"
"That was a date?"
"It started out that way. It got interrupted by Randy's -- emergency. And I felt so shitty -- sorry -- guilty because I was supposed to be waiting for Garth to make up his mind. But that guilt seems to be a moot point now. It looks like Randy and Roddy really hit it off. I should be glad. Shouldn't I?"
"Denny, you're 20 years old. You have the rest of your education to finish. You don't have to be worrying about who you want to -- love -- yet. BUT! I know you are! Do you know how I know? Because I can still remember being your age. With me it was three girls, but it has to be the same. Maybe I can give you some perspective. When you are a few years older -- not many -- you will look at this and smile. You will see that it was so obvious what the solution should have been. But now you can't see it!"
I looked at Dad. He was smiling. "But," I said, "What is this obvious thing that only I can't see?"
"I didn't say that only you can't see it. But later on it will look like it was obvious. Just trying to show you a different perspective. I know I have not been as close as I should have, maybe, but I want you to know that any time you want to talk -- well I can now be here for you."
I just sighed and hugged him closer, and put my face back on his chest.
Chapter 11
"How long do you plan to wait -- for Garth to make his move, Son?"
"I don't know Dad." I said. "What do you think?"
"I think you'll know when its time."
I gave him "the look".
"Well, okay," he continued, "that was a cop out -- but seriously, you may have to go through some more `stuff' before you decide that. Wish I could do it for you! But I can't. Some things we have to just go through for ourselves. But you know your mom and I will always be here -- for you to talk to -- or cry on."
"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"I love you so much!"
"I love you too, Son!"
"Thanks for coming all the way down here -- on a feeling!"
"I know my boy!"
"Yes, I guess you do. Tell Mom I love her too."
"So does this mean your kicking me out?"
"Heck no! Stay as long as you like."
"Well, actually I should be getting back home. You gonna be okay now?"
"Yeah -- well no promises, but -- I'll live!"
"Yes! The Miggs are survivors! Love you so much, Denny!"
He gave me one last hug and was out the door.
I again started to think about Garth. I tried not to, but I could not help it. "How long will I have to do this?" I said over and over.
What I didn't know was, I didn't have long to wait. While I was thus self absorbed, the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello." Came a raspy voice. "Is this -- is -- this -- Dennis? Dennis Miggs?"
Somehow I could tell this was not a tele-marketer. Somehow I felt afraid to continue with the call, but knew I had to.
"Yes, this is he."
"This is Roland Roth -- Garth's father. Garth wanted me to deliver a -- a -- message to you. He - -"
He started to say something else but could not.
"Mr. Roth, is Garth -- hurt -- or something?"
After a moment he got control of himself. "Garth -- is -- not hurt -- not any longer. He -- he -- put an end to his life last night."
Silence. I was speechless. Mr. Roth was not able to go on for a few moments. My mind was about to explode! Why?? What could possibly have been that bad. Why would anyone k -- k -- do that to himself?
"Dennis -- may I call you Denny?" I nodded, I guess assuming he saw this through the phone. "First of all, I need to tell you -- we -- Garth's mother and I -- don't blame you in the least. If anything, we blame -- ourselves! We were -- I was so hard on him! I want to express to you my -- my -- sincere apology."
I found my voice. "Mr. Roth," I started.
"Please call me Rollie."
"Rollie, I am -- of course -- devastated. It -- it -- somehow it doesn't seem real - "
"I know, Denny, I know!"
"Is there -- is there -- anything I can -- do?" I felt so lame saying that! Of course there wasn't! Garth was -- was -- dead, and I was probably a major cause!
"If you could come back for the funeral, - I don't know -- it would just seem appropriate, considering his letter."
"He -- he -- wrote a letter -- to -- to -- me?"
"It is an open letter to -- us -- all. Do you want me to read it to you? I have read it already -- he instructed me to read it and then pass it to you."
"Aw, Mr. -- er, Rollie -- I -- uh -- wouldn't it be -- ahh -- too hard for you to read?"
"It's the reason that -- that -- I called. If you are willing to be patient, I can do it. I want to."
"Okay then -- I guess -- okay -- please do -- read it."
"Dear Mom, Dad, Denny, and all my other loved ones,
First of all, please forgive me for what I am about to do. By the time you get this, I will be gone. I want to ask each of you to know that I love you deeply. This has nothing to do with you. I was just torn on the inside too much to continue.
"Please know that I found a degree of peace in my decision. I could live without the acceptance from people -- even those I love. So please don't try to take any personal responsibility for this. What I can no longer live with -- is my own self-hate. I hate that I am like this. Everything I know screams to me that being gay is not right with the world -- not right with God.
"Most of all, I feel like I cannot any longer put my best friend in the misery I know he is in. Dad, please -- PLEASE contact Denny at the phone number listed below, and personally tell him where I am now.
"Denny, DUDE! I never, at any time, stopped loving you. You were the reason I procrastinated as long as I did, doing this. But I just could not live with myself, any longer. Am I confused? Maybe I am. But I could no longer put you through the hell that I have in the last few months. I may suffer forever for what I am going to do, but I am not convinced of that. Please know that I loved -- no -- love you. I really believe that I still will be alive -- but on another plane -- when you hear -- or read this. I don't know what I will find in the next world. Maybe there is someone for me there. But -- this I know -- I will never forget you. I will never forget the love and patience you showed to me -- and -- I will always love you.
"Mom, Dad -- everybody -- I won't pretend that you will not be shocked and dismayed. But what I mostly want you to know is that -- for whatever reason, I am who I am, and I will continue to be where I am when you read this. and -- you are not responsible for my decision.
"I love you all very much. I hope to see you later.
"Love, Garth"
Mr. Roth -- Rollie -- of course could not read straight through the letter. But when he was finished, there was silence on the line for about three minutes. Then, "Denny, will you possibly be able to -- come back for the funeral? I -- I will pay all your expenses. Garth would have wanted you to help carry him to the final resting place for his body."
"Of course." I said, flatly. "Just let me know the details."
"The funeral will be Saturday. You won't have to miss any school. I will make reservations for you when We hang up."
"Rollie?"
"Yes, Son?"
I had to stop for a moment, hearing him call me that.
"Thank you."
"G'bye, Denny."
I don't know how I held it together while we spoke. How is it possible for us to do that? I knew that I would collapse trying to tell anyone else. I called my dad's cell phone. He was still in the car.
"Hi, Denny! Is everything all right."
"No!" was all I could get out.
"I'll come back!"
"NO! Just -" I choked and coughed. "Just - wait a minute." Now I was sounding as raspy and hoarse as Garth's dad, when he called me. "Dad, Garth -- k -- k -- he - committed - " I couldn't finish.
"Oh no, Son! OH NO! Are you sure you don't want me to come back to you?"
"No -- I will -- I will be fine when I'm not -- trying -- to -- to -- to talk. Maybe you can tell my friends for me. I don't think I have the strength -- or the will."
"I will, Denny. I will. Do you think this will be too much of a shock for Randy to hear?"
"Actually they were not that close, dad. But -- might be a good idea to ask his doctor first."
"You're right. I will take care of it for you. Try to get some sleep. It won't be easy -- do you have any kind of sleeping pills?"
"I'll be okay, Dad. OH! And -- I will be going back for the funeral. They want me to be a pall bearer."
"Oh! You're sure it's safe -- I mean -- Garth's dad wouldn't be so --
"No, dad. I could tell by his voice. It'll be okay."
"Well, okay -- if you say so. I love you!"
"You too! Bye."
Alone.
So Alone!
Never had I ever felt so alone.
I wondered what it must be like to be so depressed to kill yourself. I couldn't imagine. Had I added to his confusion -- his depression -- when I went back to visit him? Was there anything I should have done -- or not done? I kept seeing the pained look on his face as he apologized and asked me to wait. Then I did something I had never done before. I got down on my knees beside my bed, determined to pray. I had prayed before, but -- not like this. It was always in bed, on my back, and most of the time I fell asleep praying. As much as I wanted to sleep, I did not want to accomplish it that way tonight. So I knelt.
I had always prayed silently. It surprised me to hear my voice as I poured out my heart to God.
"Heavenly Father, Hallowed be thy name. I don't do this often enough, Father, so please forgive me for that. And so many other things. Tonight, I am praying for two things." There was a creak somewhere. I stopped, opened my eyes, and looked around me. It was dark and I was still alone. "First of all, I want to pray for Garth. Father, I know you know better than I do -- where his head and his heart were. But if my two-cents means anything -- he was -- is -- a good person.
"Secondly, I pray for some peace in my own life. I cannot imagine being so depressed -- as Garth was -- but I can understand it to the degree that I feel confused and depressed and sad myself right now. Please let this make me stronger. And -- Father -- please also bless all the others who are suffering because of this -- this tragedy.
"In your Son's name, Amen."
I said a lot more than that, but that was the gist of it. I immediately felt a degree of peace. And -- something else. I felt -- well, now I know what it was -- expectant -- of something. I was not surprised when there was a quiet knock at my door. I opened it.
"Hi, Denny. I almost knocked earlier, but I heard you talking to someone. Then I realized you were praying, so I waited until you stopped long enough to be -- finished."
"Hi Roddy."
"Your dad called me. I came right over. I knew -- er -- felt -- you might not want to be alone."
"I -- You're right. I told my dad not to come, but -- maybe that was not the right decision. I maybe should not be alone right now."
"Well, I'm here, guy. What can I do for you?"
"Can you stay the night?"
"Of course. I told you I have tomorrow off. Maybe we can go see Randy together."
"Maybe. Do you think that he knows?" I asked.
"Your dad called the doctor -- and he said it should be alright. So -- yes, he knows."
"Oh!" I didn't say what I was thinking: why didn't Randy call me? "Well, thanks for coming."
We each sat on a bed, uncomfortable as to what to do or say. Finally, Roddy said, "So, what might Randy have done for you if he were here?"
"I dunno."
"Yes, you do!" He commanded. "He would be doing something right this minute, if he were here."
I hung my head. "He would be -- holding me. If he were here, I would probably be out of control crying -- and he would be -- "
"I can do that! Any special way?"
I lied. "I would be lying down on my bed and he would be on top of the covers."
Roddy stood. "I need to take a shower first. I'll be back. I went in to the bathroom. I took off my clothes and entered the shower. I turned it on and when it was steaming hot, I stepped into it. I didn't realize how tense my shoulders and neck were until the hot water hit them. It felt so good and it helped to relax them a little.
I soaped down and rinsed, then stepped out. I dried off, the realized I didn't have anything to wear out of the bathroom. So I just acted naturally, and walked out in my glory. My dingus was all shriveled and small anyway.
I climbed into the bed. "Oh! Could you turn off the light?" He did and then after shedding some of his own layers, he lay down beside me, on top of the covers. It felt so good when he encircled me in his arms. But too soon, I was too hot and nearly suffocating.
"Roddy -- this is not working."
"too hot?"
"Yeah."
"Throw the covers off. Don't worry -- I'm still covered"
I did. He then hugged me again. He was covered all right. He had silk boxers on -- that's all. I was ashamed at the way I was aroused! But tried to ignore it. He lay beside me, much as Randy had just last night. He was spooning me from the back, with his top hand and arm around my waist, and stroking my chest. I felt his shlong flex. "Sorry!" he said, involuntary!"
If his hand was about 12" lower he would have known that mine was hard as a rock! I tried to ignore it. I felt his again. "Sorry again!"
"It's okay. Don't - " I turned around enough to look directly into his eyes. In the moon lighted room, I could see his eyes clearly. We both looked deeply into the other's eyes. Our lips met, and I momentarily transported away and forgot about everything else. It was one of the most passionate kisses I ever experienced. Then I was flung back into reality. I flinched.
"Oh god! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" He sprang from the bed.
"It's okay." I said. "It just happened. It felt good. But maybe not -- not -- now, huh? Please don't leave. I know you can't stop your reaction. Just -- try to ignore it. I am having the same -- er -- problem."
I turned back around and he again resumed his position at my back. It then did not take long, before I was openly weeping. He could not stop his hand from stroking my chest, and I could not help my reaction to that. I was grieving. For Garth. For myself. And yet I was still rock hard and aching to relieve that part of me as well. We fell asleep, with those thoughts.
When I woke up, it was still dark. I heard deep breathing, as I then felt a slow steady stroking down below. I was very sleepy, but not too sleepy to know what was happening. Just too sleepy to care. I let it happen and let it find its natural conclusion. I don't think he ever woke up. When I finished, I went limp, and his hand came back up to my chest, as he rubbed my cum. all over and into my chest hair. I smiled and went back to sleep.
I woke up as he was trying to extricate himself from me. His hand was gently "stuck" to my chest hair. Something else was sticking me into my back. He escaped to the bathroom. I sat up. There were two yellowish stains on the bed. One was his, the other was mine. They were both still wet. I know that they would quickly dry, so I covered them up. And got up. I grabbed a pair of boxers and headed for the shower as soon as I heard it turn off.
As I came in the door, Roddy could not look me in the eye. "I'm sorry, guy! I thought I was dreaming. I guess I kind of messed up your bed."
I actually giggled! "What were you dreaming?"
"Oh, God, Denny -- really! You don't want to know!"
I giggled again! "I think I already know!"
"What!!??"
"Hee hee! You weren't dreaming!"
"NO! SHIT!" He said. "I -- you mean -- I - "
"Yeah. I was too sleepy to stop you. And I was ready to -- blow -- when I woke up. I don't know when you blew. If I was awake -- I'm sure I would known!"
"OMIGOD! I didn't come over here to - "
"I know you didn't!"
"Denny -- it wasn't you -- in the dream."
"Oh." I said as non-committal as I could. Again I felt ashamed. I was disappointed.
"Can you go see Randy with me this morning?" He asked.
I was hoping to see him alone.
"I -- er -- I have a class I need to attend this morning. Go on, and I will go later."
"I can wait!"
"Naw, go ahead. I'll come up as soon as I can. And -- hey! Thanks for coming." We both giggled at that remark. "It was -- interesting. And definitely better than being alone."
"And tonight?" He offered.
"I -- think -- I'll be okay tonight. Thanks."
"Okay. Well, I will get out of here and let you get ready for class. Maybe I'll see you later today."
"Maybe. Bye."
I jumped in the shower to rinse off last night's "mess", back and front. And he was gone when I got out. I was somehow relieved. I grabbed my phone and called the hospital. I was put through to Randy.
"Denny! Oh God, Dude, I'm so sorry!" He said. "I feel so bad for you! And I feel like -- crap -- the way I talked about him! I had no idea he was in such -- turmoil."
"Me neither."
"Hey, Denny -- thanks a LOT for bringing Roddy back into my life." (What?) "I always liked him in high school." (you hardly knew him!) We had such a great reunion yesterday morning!" (A little too good, maybe?)
Why was I so -- defensive -- or was it -- jealous?
I didn't have a class, but I did not want to go with Roddy -- and I didn't want to see Randy with him there.
"Well, hey! That's great, Randy! He's on his way there right now!" (Dammit!) "I will be there later. Call me when he leaves. We may as well spread out our visits, huh?" (PLEASE!)
"Oh! Yeah! That does sound like a good idea! Thanks!"
(THANKS!!??) Now I wished I WAS going to be there! Crap! "So how much longer until you get to come -- er -- go -- LEAVE the hospital?"
"Apparently Where they removed the bullet is a very easy place for infection to start. I have to stay until it is closed up, with no chance to getting infected. The doc said maybe up to a week. No longer. I'm on heavy antibiotics."
"That sucks!"
"Yeah -- kinda. "but it hasn't been too bad. Roddy came back and spent a couple hours with me after he drove you back. And he promised to come back this morning. I am really excited that he and I are becoming such great friends! And I have you to thank for it!"
"Yeah. Welcome." I said, hoping he did not pick up my disappointment. "Well, I'll just plan to come when my class is over, k?"
"Sure! See yah!"
Shaved extra close. I got dressed in what I thought I looked the best in. I brushed my teeth and headed to class. Class was never so boring. About halfway through, I started coughing, until I felt it was appropriate to excuse myself. I ran all the way to my car and threw my backpack in it. I didn't get any tickets driving to the hospital -- luckily!
I came into the room. Roddy was not there. I relaxed a little, until I heard his voice. "Hey! Glad you're here! We were just talking about you!"
"Not all bad, I hope!"
"Heh!" Randy said. "Actually your dad called and told me that you were going back to Kansas. Do you want Roddy and me to come with you?"
("Roddy and me??)
"Uh - "
"Your dad said you would be staying with the Roths. Roddy and I can stay at that motel that you and I stayed at."
"NO! I mean -- er -- that won't be -- necessary. I'll be okay. There's no reason for you to -- well it would be pretty costly for you anyway!"
"Actually, I travel for free." Roddy said. "and I can get Randy a pass -- if he gets out of the hospital in time."
"Oh!" I said, too obviously relieved! "That's right. A week!"
" `Up to' a week." Randy said. It could be sooner."
Just then the doc came in. "Hello miracle boy!"
"Miracle Boy"?
"You are healing so fast! I've never seen anything like it!" He exulted. "I think we can plan on this afternoon."
I felt like I was backed into a corner! I tried to remain calm as I said, "Doctor, do you think Randy could travel -- like Friday -- on a plane to Kansas?"
"No problem. It would be nice if he had a constant companion."
"No prob there, either," Roddy piped up, "I will be with him -- 100% of the time!" He was beaming.
"I see no problem with that, then!" (I did!)
I wanted to keep watch on them, so I called Garth's dad and asked if it was possible to make the reservations on Roddy's airline. It wasn't.
"It's all set. We leave Friday, early afternoon. Can you get yourself scheduled on that flight?"
"Don't have to. Already am! It's my normal schedule. All I have to do is get an extended stay."
(Goody)
I went back to the school, and finished up my classes. I begged out of my band practice. I shouldn't have. It only gave me more time in my room.
I alternated between feeling jealous of Roddy and Randy, feeling guilty that Garth was barely gone, and I was even worrying about those other two, and actually grieving for Garth. My dad called to chek in. "You going to be okay tonight?"
(NO!)
"Yes" I lied. And I wasn't. As soon as my head hit the pillow -- Garth's pillow -- I started remembering everything we ever said and did. I cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. Soon it was 8:00 AM and my radio came on. I hadn't slept at all, but I felt somehow cleansed. I thought about what a jerk I had been the day before. How guilty I felt -- worrying about them and not -- but wait!
I got down on the floor -- on my knees again. "Father, thank you for giving me some peace. Please forgive me for being such an ass -- sorry, such a jerk yesterday. I hope Garth was not there -- and that he could not read my mind! In your Son's name, Amen"
I thought I heard a still small voice saying, "You were right the first time -- ASS!"
Notes: When God closes a door -- he opens a window. Comments? Steve at s4d@hotmail.com. Please put "denny" in the subject area. Thanks and love, Steve