Delusion Part 9
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Awaking:
"Sammie, we should get inside before someone comes home."
"Yeah, you're right, what do you want to do?"
"I don't know" We walk back inside and I plug the phone back in, climbing the stairs, I am following him. As we reach the top I tackle him from behind. I spin him around and pin him, I hold both his wrist above his head and gaze into his eyes,
"How do you like being pinned?"
"Hey, you're violent; I'm scared of your outburst. You need to go to some anger management classes."
"Shut up." I state while leaning down pressing firmly against his lips. Justin is a drunken mutiny and I love him for it, he is so fun to kiss.
"Are you hungry?" asks Justin.
"Yeah, sure, what do you want to go somewhere?"
"Yeah where's the nearest grocery store?"
"Oh, what are you going to make something?"
"Yeah, I am going to cook you my specialty."
"Oh, and what's that."
"Lasagna,"
I widen my eyes and sarcastically make the noise, "Mmmh" I don't know how I made it sarcastic; I guess I just have a gift.
"Oh shut up," Justin looks at me dejectedly,
"I'm just kidding lasagna sounds great; I'm just an asshole is all."
"So how are we going to get there?"
"Let's take my mom's bike she has a basket. We can double." We make a mad rush to the backyard and I grab the bike, "get on Justin I'm pedaling,"
"No you're not, I am too big, you're doubling."
"All right, I guess," Justin balances the bike and I awkwardly jump on the front handle bars because the basket is mounted on the back. Justin starts pedaling like a maniac. I feel this terrifying joy as we start going faster and faster, "Justin, slow down" I state trying to convey my panic,
"No way" Justin is gliding down the hill on Forest Avenue and he is going way too fast, he leans forward stealing away kisses on my neck. In his best southern hill folk accent he states, "You smell purty."
"Fuck you Justin, you're creeping me out." Justin is fun, I like being with him, but what am I doing fucking around with a 21 year old, he has to leave by the end of summer, then what, maybe I'm thinking too far ahead. I lean back into him and realize, fuck, Mark works at the grocery store as a bag boy, I'm going to have to see him. What am I going to do, I feel like I'm through with him, I really don't think I'm ready to go through all this drama, I just won't let him think I'm mad at all, I'll just ignore him. There is no reason to ruin perfectly good days thinking about Mark. What is love, surging, untapped reactions, some deep overflowing well inside us. I care all of the sudden, about everything, drunken stumble upon joy, indistinguishable language I am grasping to understand. I am praying to some spirit, something listening to my thoughts. Present yourself, I present myself, I don't want some fleeting summer day, I want a lifetime, this is what I want to say to Justin but I don't find the words, this is just a childlike longing, a delusion. I don't know him, I felt the same way about Mark less than 24 hours ago, I can't trust myself, and I have never felt this fucked up before these past few days, why should I fall into this trap.
"Hey, Sammie you've got to tell me where to go, I don't know this town, guide me navigator."
"Just keep going straight, I'll tell you where to turn," his stamina is faltering, I'm not giving the best directions, I'm stalling, I don't want to see Mark, but I can't have Justin biking my ass around forever.
"Take a right we're almost there,"
"You've been taking me in circles."
"No I haven't" we are parking the bike and as we begin to enter I warn Justin, "Mark works here."
"So what, I let him know who you've chosen"
"No, don't do that"
"I'm just kidding",
"We probably won't even see him." Of course as soon as you say or think that, "Hey Mark, what's up?" I state, I just want to ignore him but his fucking eyes stare at me like a lost puppy. I am the one who feels bad, why would I ever feel bad for him after what he said to me, I don't care if he looks sorry, I don't need excuses.
"Hey Sammie," Justin rudely interjects, "who is this?"
"Oh hey Mark, this is Justin, Justin this is Mark," they gaze at each other with odd contempt and disgrace, and I almost don't want to be associated with either of them, is there jealousy and pride, what does it mean to be gay? I presume there shouldn't be any transcendent doom.
"Justin is Kyle's roommate from UCLA"
"Oh" Mark states while looking relieved.
Justin beckons me to hurry up and come with him, "so, I'll see you around Mark, me and Justin have to get back home pretty soon."
"Hey, I get off of work at ten tonight, what do you think you'll be doing tonight" Mark states while giving me a hopeful smirk. I wanted to say Justin, but that is too harsh.
"I don't know, I think I'll be hanging out with Emma, we have to do something later."
"Oh maybe I could call you tonight?"
"Sure, why not, whatever you want." I state with an unsure voice, I'm not certain how much indifference to convey, or how upset I should react to his affront earlier today. The more I stand in front of him the more I want to hear his apology, I want to hear him tell me I'm the only person he cares about. Am I willing to let him have another chance? I don't know what I am thinking, I have to stop forcing and rushing without taking a step back, there is no reason this should end badly with either of them.
I step away with Justin and me make our way down the aisles. Justin seems oddly remote, he is on a mission to find what he needs, ricotta cheese, tomato sauce, fresh mozzarella, the perfect pasta, ground beef, green peppers, onions, eggplant and a host of fresh herbs. He is obviously driven by cooking.
"So what, are you, some kind of chef," I ask caustically.
"No, I just enjoy cooking, what is that weird?" He states defensively,
"No, it just seems like this is not your first trip to the grocery store, you're better at finding shit in here than me, and I've been here before."
"Well, I used to be a night stocker in the summers when I was in high school; grocery store layouts are pretty similar no matter what the store."
"Oh, an expert, I'll have to bring you along for shopping from here on out."
"Yeah you will" Justin states sort of angrily. I guess I deserve that, I am way too sarcastic and I think it's coming off as annoying but I can't stop, my general disposition for the past few months has been wry, border line bitter. We approach the check out and Melanie, a horny ass bitch, looks like she is getting wet again when Justin comes through her line. She spots me, another one of her wet dreams
"Hey Sammie, who's your friend?" She ask with her raspy tone, it sounds like she has had a sore throat since seventh grade, I think it is manufactured, but who am I to judge.
"I'm Justin," he says, a little too eagerly.
"Oh, my name is Melanie, are you Sammie's friend?" Justin shoots me a smirk and nods. "So, what school do you go to?" Melanie, hasn't even begun to scan any of our food yet. When she is introduced to new meat, she makes it her mission to copulate, she may be a nymphomaniac. I know that the word slut is tossed around pretty casually in High School, but with the amount of times I have seen her making out with random guys and heading for the bushes at parties, and the number of times she has tried to get me bed ready, well even I think she is a bit of a whore. She is pretty though, I will give her that.
"UCLA" Justin states.
Melanie is intrigued, "Oh, a college man; what are you doing this Friday?"
"I, don't know, what are you doing," What the fuck, Justin is flirting back,
"I'm going to a party," Melanie, is playing with her hair, and batting her eyelashes. This is disgusting, Justin has this shit eating grin plastered on his face, "You and Sammie should come, it's over at Michelle's house, you know where that is, right Sammie?" States Melanie,
"Yeah, I was over there, at the last party she had, on Friday." I try to accurately communicate my bitchiness.
Justin just ignores me, "Yeah that would be a great idea, it will be great to finally meet all of Sammie's friends,"
"Well, that would be pretty hard to meet them all, our little Sammie here is pretty popular," Melanie states. Melanie finally checks us out and Justin pays and we are marching outside.
"What was that in there with the check out girl?"
"What"
"You were flirting your ass off in there." I state accusingly.
"Well, no worse than you and Mark."
"Well at least with me it was with a guy; you're leading her on you know,"
"what like you're doing to me." He states chuckling, "I saw how you looked at Mark in there."
"Let's just get,"
"Okay, as long as you don't direct me in circles this time," Justin states while laughing,
"Oh shut up," I respond jokingly. We're off into the great unknown again, riding, wind, intermittent laughter, touching. Sitting here upon these bars I have no control over events, motion and balance. I have epiphanies every thirty seconds; Justin is going to be fun this summer, even if that's all it turns out to be. We arrive home and the fam filters in. First, as always Mattie strolls in, quick on his feet that one, and then Dad, Kyle is still gone about thirty minutes later my mother walks in, "whats going on here?" She states a little concerned that dinner is being prepared without her knowledge. Then she sees that it is Justin behind it and her look softens, "that's very thoughtful Justin, I knew Kyle always had good taste in friends."
Justin is almost ready with dinner and everyone is sauntering in looking at the meal being created. We have a sense of being impressed coupled with a sense of worried dread. I am sure everyone is thinking, can this college student really deliver something edible. Table service, the nice china, my mother is thoroughly enthralled with what Justin is doing, gathering tips and quips, Justin makes a great replacement for Kyle, incarnate ray of resemblance, he'll do for her, close enough to the glory and glow for her satisfaction. This makes Kyle's entrance that much more awkward. He is fucked up, stumbling in and he's with the lovely Rita. Rita Johnson that is, a Goth chick. Yes, they do still exist. Kyle and Rita went out throughout high school, I loved her for her dry sense of humor and campy styling's, even if she didn't catch them. And Kyle must of loved her for her absolutely rocking body, I may be gay but I know hot when I see it. Even Justin is caught off guard, the meal is served. My dad sits in his usual countenance, we have a circular table, there is no seat of honor here, Mattie is sitting on his right, then me on his right, then Justin on my right, then Rita on his right, then Kyle on her right, then my mother on his right and so on. Right hands of god's impunity, we all sit without judgment for a moment.
Then Kyle states, "Well, me and Rita are getting married." Choke, speculation, surprise, I audibly laugh and half heartedly apologize. I don't care; I think everyone else is on my same page. My mom's eyes are priceless, bulging, defecting her own next comment, "That's great" choking out tone, this is too good to be true. Mattie gives me another look of duress and I laugh again and try to apologize. My contempt for this news is increasingly becoming obvious. Kyle shoots me a look,
"Oh come on, its sudden, I can't help myself, I'm sorry, I'm a dick, I always react badly," and then my Oscar performance, "No, really, I remember thinking way back when, that Rita and you actually struck some kind of chord that was immutable, you two actually had something, I just thought you'd never realize how perfect you are together."
"Ah that is so nice Sammie" Rita states to me, Mattie is just staring and shaking his head at me. The rest of dinner slides by in time, Justin and me are having our first real date in front of five unsuspecting guest, Marriage proposals and Justin's hand resting upon my naive leg, this dinner is going great for me. I feel content, the sweet sunset portrays itself through shielded picture windows, and waits patiently for congratulations, with none given. It has progressed to underhanded gestures, but Justin and I escape from trivial matters.
I call Emma; it is eight o'clock, "Is Emma there?"
"Speaking, Betch, I hope I don't sound like Carol."
"Okay, so what are you up to tonight?"
"Just find a way out tonight, and come over," Emma normally doesn't speak in directives, so I heed. Its ten o'clock before I get around and I tell Justin to follow and discover; he is coming with me tonight. We are walking there, the bike is discarded, Justin is tired of hauling my ass around. Also, I don't feel like making my ass anymore sore sitting on those handle bars.
"So, your parents let you stay out late on a school night, lucky you."
I smile and state, "Well, they really don't care, they won't say anything to me anyways. In fact they won't notice I left. My parents were asleep when we left and it's not like they wake me up in the morning. So we're staying out all night. And you aren't doing anything tomorrow so you're coming with me."
"Well okay then, so who is this Emma you are always talking about?"
"Well she is just the coolest bitch in the whole fucking world, she's smart, strong, and opinionated and always has my back, and she always has herb on hand."
"You little pothead," Justin states accusingly.
"So what you don't smoke ever?"
"No, I used to get high my freshman year."
"Oh, so what you quit your sophomore year in high school?"
"No, I meant I smoked my freshman year in college, I never smoked in high school. I was way too big of a pussy."
"What? Its high school, everyone smokes weed in high school, hence the name "High" school."
"I love your jokes even if they are oh so lame."
I push Justin and state, "Psshh, my jokes are awesome." Justin smiles at me. It's dark and cool and silent around us, Emma's house is getting nearer we just need to cross the bridge.
"Well I was never really around anyone that smoked weed; I didn't have a lot of friends in high school like you."
"Oh, no way, you were a loser. But you're gorgeous, beautiful people are popular no matter what."
"Oh, you think I'm hot, really?" Justin asks with this hilarious puppy dog expression like this was the first compliment that he had ever received. "Well, anyways I used to wear glasses, I had horrible acne and I was skinny, I mean really skinny; I was definitely a late bloomer."
"Aww, I would have been your friend if I was in your town." Justin smiles and unsuccessfully attempts to put me in a headlock. "So where did you grow up? It's obviously the east coast, from your accent, I would say Massachusetts."
"What, how do you know that, I don't talk with an accent, do I?"
"I'm sorry the way you say bar and car gives it away."
"All right, I'm originally from Athol, Massachusetts."
"Asshole, Massachusetts!"
"No, Athol, no s," Justin pauses and laughs to himself, "Athol isn't close to Boston but we all talked like we were thoroughly Bostonian to be cool, now it just slips out, you're lucky I don't say wicked anymore."
"You should meet my friend Todd; he's originally from Boston, you two could reminisce." We are approaching Emma's door, which is subsequently slammed open with an overjoyed Emma.
"Sammie," Emma screams and hugs me.
"Damn Emma, you're excited,"
"I know, you're looking at my humble abode,"
"What do you mean by your humble abode?" I state while gazing suspiciously at her,
"Well, Joe's ass showed up and gave me the best news ever, he has a house that Carol and Brandy moved into, and he is apparently trying the whole family thing again."
"What the fuck, so Joe bought a house for Carol and Brandy, what about you?"
"Didn't you just hear me, I own this shack, Joe gave it to me, I mean I still have to make lot rent but I've been doing that for the past two years"
"This is crazy, Joe is still alive?"
"Yeah he won like fifty thousand dollars in the lottery or something and he bought a house, apparently that is why he went missing."
"Weird,"
"I know isn't it?" I don't know how to process, Emma is so fucking happy; I can't and won't bring her down with the realities of having to take on the responsibilities of an adult. I know she can handle it, but I feel sorry for her, she is way too mature for her age. Plus the whole Joe winning the lottery thing seems suspicious. Joe is one of those characters that goes around saying if he didn't have bad luck he'd have none at all, but in his case it is completely accurate.
"So this must be Justin, I've heard a lot about you," Emma states with a mischievous grin, that makes me turn ten shades of red, Justin shoots me a knowing gleam of satisfaction and I want to kill him.
He then inquires, "So, Sammie has told you about me, only the good I hope."
"Of course, Sammie is always so nice, as you may have noticed"
"Shut up Emma"
"Anyway I hope you two kids know how to celebrate, I just got some acid and you two are going to explore with me." Acid again, really, my uniquely unparalleled existence, riding into the heart of human consciousness, well all right I've ridden this train before, might as well jump aboard again.
"What? Where did you get acid?"
"Ralphie's friend"
"That's fucked Emma," I state while laughing. I turn to Justin "So, I don't presume you're into this are you?"
"Actually I've always wanted to trip," Justin looks at me like, "you don't know me!"
"Sweet" States Emma.
More to come.