A Deep Love By James
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This story deals with sexual as well as romantic situations between teenaged males. Should you be offended by such material or if you're not of the legal age to read this type of story, then please find something else to read.
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A Deep Love: Book 2 Chapter 12
Chad opened the door to the security building and walked to his car. It was a hot day and the sun seemed to be boiling everyone and the ground as well. He opened the door to his car and was looking for his icebox where he had several drinks. He found a bottle of water and opened it, taking a long drink, he stood there and took another, then closed the bottle. He then heard footsteps behind him. He turned and saw Jennifer walking towards him, at least he hoped that she was coming directly towards him. He hadn't told Josh, and certainly hadn't told Michael, but for a few months, he had liked Jennifer as a friend. Actually, he liked her as a friend right from the first time he had met her, but it didn't seem too long afterward, that he was beginning to develop romantic feelings for her as well, and now all these months later, they were stronger than he had ever known. Not even his first wife, the woman with whom he fathered Josh had given him such feelings of love and need.
Chad?" Jen said coming up to him.
"Jen," he said. "I'm glad to see you, but I thought you would be either at work, or staying in the house since it's so hot out here today."
"Well, Michael and I will be going to lunch here in a few minutes since it's been a while since he and I have had much mother/son time."
"I see," Chad said and smiled. "Where do you think you and him will be going?"
"Probably to one of the small cafes in town," she said.
"That sounds good," Chad answered.
"You can come with us if you want," she said and there was a hopeful look coming across her face.
"I'd like to," he began. "However, this is time for you and Michael and I don't want to take away from that. Also, I had an idea anyway that I wanted to run past you."
"Oh, what is it?" she asked as a look of disappointment that began to come across her face was now turning in to a smile.
"What are you doing tonight, or tomorrow night?" he asked.
"I don't think I'm doing anything either night," she replied.
"Well, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind going and having dinner at this one restaurant that's close by just on the outskirts of town?" he said hopefully.
"You mean just you and I?" she asked with even more of a hopeful tone in her voice.
"Yeah," Chad said stepping closer to her. "I mean, if you don't feel comfortable with it, I can'''."
He stopped, not knowing how to continue, but immediately, she picked up the rest of the thread.
"Just you and I sounds really good!" she said excitedly. "I was hoping that we could do it tonight. I really don't have anything going on and Michael will be having dinner with Josh, his brothers and the kids, so I think it would work out really well."
"Okay," Chad said. "Would you like to go around 6:00 P.M.?"
"That sounds good," she said. "Do you want to take my car, or yours?"
"Well, I have to stop and get gas before we head to the restaurant anyway, so we could probably take mine if you want."
"I'd like that," she said.
"Okay," he said. "So it's set."
"Yeah, definitely!" she said and hugged him. He hugged her back and they stood like that longer than what they had planned.
Michael
I looked out the windows set in the front door of the house and had seen my mom and Chad talking in the driveway. They seemed to be planning something and I understood from the looks they were giving one another, that it was something that was between two people who were more than just friends. I saw the looks they had been giving one another over the past few months and I knew where it was all leading, unless of course they both decided not to act on it. I hoped that they would act on it. The fact that their union and possible marriage for all practical purposes making Josh and I brothers wasn't a concern of mine, and I didn't think, or at least I hoped that Josh wouldn't have a problem with it either.
They hugged for longer than what two people would do who were casual friends, then Chad left to go back in to the security building and my mom left to return to the house so we could leave for lunch. I then heard footsteps coming up behind me and saw Noah and Josh. They had a session with one another that day and Josh and I had been switching off with Noah meeting with me one day, then meeting with Josh the next day throughout the week days. This arrangement seemed to be working and over the past few weeks, Noah was showing a huge amount of progress. He had the hateful look off of his face and there was a kindness and sensitivity both on his face and in his eyes that hadn't been there before.
In the first week of he and I meeting, he was working through the attempts to understand and come to terms with being gay, and opened about it at least to myself as well as the other kids and to my brothers and to Josh. He had an even harder time with talking about and coming to terms with the physical, emotional and sexual abuse brought upon him by his father, but as the days progressed, he seemed to be dealing with it a little better until over the past couple of days, he could talk about some of the incidents of sexual abuse without having a panic attack or without crying, though he shook slightly while reciting the stories, but even that wasn't as bad as it had been in the beginning.
"So you think I'm doing even better now?" Noah asked Josh turning towards him and holding his hand.
"I do," Josh replied and smiled warmly at him. "I truly think you'll be fine and that you're doing a really good job with turning your life around and as long as you keep everything going, you'll have a healthy and happy life."
"Thank you Josh," Noah said, then stopped in front of me.
"Hi Noah," I said, then turned to give Josh a hug and kiss.
"Hey Michael," he said warmly. "I'm glad to see you. So are you still going out to lunch with your mom?"
"Yeah," I said. "I was just getting ready to leave right now."
"Okay," Noah responded. "I hope you guys have a nice time."
"Thank you," I said and hugged him. "I'm sure we will."
"Chase and I were going to be going out for lunch as well," he said once we ended the hug.
"Okay," I said. "And the paperwork has been signed so my dad and the adults know?"
"Yeah," he said. "We took care of it last night."
"Oh, I think I remember my dad telling me as I was washing dishes," I said. "I was just so tired from everything that it just went in one ear and out the other, but thanks for reminding me. So I'll be going now, and you guys have a good lunch."
"Thanks, you too," Noah said and hugged Josh and I before walking towards Chase's room.
0000
Noah saw the sign hanging around the door knob of Chase's room. It read: "Had to go get a pill for my leg. If Noah looks for me, he can come right in and wait any place in the room he wants; anyone else please knock and tape a note to the door letting me know that I was being searched for."
Noah opened the door and closed it, then sat down on the bed. He remembered the first night that he and Chase came there and what a complete nihilistic prick he had been at dinner that night, actually for longer than that night at dinner, for the past few years, but not ever again. After he had had his bad dreams later that night, and when he thought about them the next day and as he talked about them to Michael and Josh things were coming in to perspective for him. He knew that even if he stopped the bullying and gay-bashing, unless he was able to deal with the core of why he did what he did, then he would most likely take up other just as equally if not far worse destructive behaviors. He knew deep down that he was running from being gay and he had no idea just how badly and just how profound that could and did take on a life of its own. He grew to understand this as his conversations continued with Michael and the other boys.
The turningpoint for Noah and Chase came a few nights after they both had been at the house when he went to visit Chase an hour before they all had to be in their own rooms. He had knocked on the door and Chase asked who it was and when he identified himself, Chase said that he could come in. Noah opened the door and walked in to the room.
He saw Chase lying on his bed and trying to massage his leg and foot. His left leg and foot to be exact and the look on his face was one of pain and anger.
"I'd like to just hack this mother fucking thing right off!" Chase yelled.
"It's okay," Noah said. "I can try to help you with that if you want me to."
"You'd actually want to do that?" Chase asked him with his voice filled with skepticism. "That doesn't seem like something that a huge manly guy like you would be caught dead doing to another guy. You mean that you don't have a big hyper-masculine image to keep up?"
"That's not funny," Noah said looking away. "I'm trying to change and no longer be that guy and I probably don't have a right to ask anyone anything right now, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't make a joke of this. I really am working at this. I'm worried that I might not be able to overcome the person I've been, but I don't want to go back to jail. I'm having to figure out for the first time who I am and it's really making me feel naked, and I'm really scared okay?"
Noah was close to tears now and Chase immediately felt bad for what he had said. He sat up and moved so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed beside Noah. He scooted close to him and held out his hand for him to take.
"Noah," he said feeling shame grab hold and grip him tightly. "I really am sorry. I shouldn't have said that; I had no right. I know you're working hard to change and find a different way of life. I guess I just have my own stuff I'm trying to deal with and I'm also scared. I'm not trying to excuse what I said, but I'm just saying that I have a brave mask I'm trying to keep up and it's not working very well either."
"I guess you and I are both trying to find our way," Noah said and looked deeply in to Chase's eyes.
"I think so," Chase replied. Noah then reached out to hug Chase and Chase stiffened up at first, then Noah did the best he could with composing his face in to a soft look, as soft as he could generate. It worked, and Chase leaned in and they sat like that for what seemed like hours just holding one another, until Noah felt Chase's leg jerk hard.
"Fuck!" Chase grunted and pulled away.
"It's okay," Noah said. "I really do want to do something to help, if you'll let me and if you want me to help."
"Yeah," Chase said as his leg spasmed again this time harder. "I really need you to massage it for me; that might help."
"Okay," Noah said. "I'll see if I can help you."
He got up on his hands and knees on the bed in front of Chase's feet and he sat cross-legged in front of the smaller boy. He took his spasming foot in his hands and felt where the muscles were tightened in to hard lumps.
"Yeah," Chase said through another spasm. "It doesn't feel too good to the touch and it hurts as bad as it looks."
"I'm sorry Chase," Noah said with emotion in his voice. "I'll help you as best as I can."
He began to use his fingers and thumbs on the top, bottom and sides of Chase's foot and he soon felt the muscle contractions begin to relax. He then worked his way down to Chase's toes and massaged them as well. This helped and soon Chase was more relaxed than what he had been before.
"Thank you Noah," he said looking down at him.
"You're welcome," Noah said. "I'll do this any time you need me too, okay?"
"Okay," Chase said and smiled at him. Noah smiled back and he knew at that moment that he wanted to at some point, become more than friends with Chase; that is if Chase wanted to as well.
"You did a good job," Chase said after Noah finished up his massage.
They were lying beside each other on the bed and Noah suddenly realized that they were holding one another's hand, and his first impulse was to pull his hand out of Chase's, but something told him not to and when he thought about it further, he knew that he didn't want to let go of Chase's hand, not ever.
"Like I said," Noah said turning his head to look directly at Chase. "I was happy to do it, now and any time you want."
"I'm glad to hear you say that," Chase said.
Over the next few days and weeks, the two boys grew closer and closer until they both had no problem being in various States of undress in one another's rooms. They worked out a lot in the basement's workout room lifting weights and they would let one another use the bathroom in one another's room to shower afterwards, but they both had what seemed to them an unspoken rule that they wouldn't be fully naked in front of one another. Chase was the first to suggest that he could go in the restroom to take off the rest of his clothes and Noah agreed and he did the same when it came his turn to get a shower. They both, once back in Noah's room the first time they worked out together were sneaking glances at one another's upper bodies once they had off their shirts. Their torsos glistened and were soaked with sweat and when Chase first saw Noah's soaked torso, he immediately thought in his mind about Noah being flat on his back on the bed while Chase was bent over him licking him all over. Chase quickly sat down this first time since he felt his penis beginning to stiffen and he definitely didn't want his bigger and older friend to see, at least not yet anyway.
Another thing that happened to bring them still even closer, was one Saturday night when Chase's muscle spasms were acting up constantly that evening. He and Noah were in Noah's room listening to music and Chase felt his leg tightening up and he knew that this one was going to be bad. Noah saw what was happening and he moved to help Chase on to the bed the normal way so he could lay down full-length. Once on his back, Noah began massaging Chase's foot as before, but he had to press a little harder and it took longer to complete the massage this time. Chase was crying this time and Noah was doing the best he could to comfort him. Once the spasms were over, Noah came up beside his friend and at first clumsily embraced him, then relaxed and just held him close like a lover would their partner who was in pain. He knew that that's how he had come to think of Chase and he remembered the night before when he had a dream about Chase that caused him to come just before he jerked awake.
Once Chase's tears were gone, Noah just held him close and stroked his hair and rocked him slowly and gently.
"I'm right here," Noah whispered softly in Chase's ear. "You're safe and I won't let anything happen to you."
"Thanks," Chase said as he began to drift off to sleep.
"Anything," Noah began, and before he could stop the words, he added. "Anything for my special one."
Noah was momentarily choked up. He wondered if he really just said that last part out loud, and he knew that he did. He lay there feeling Chase's shirtless upper body skin-to-skin with his own shirtless upper body and he felt himself immediately getting hard, but he didn't care this time. He would move it if Chase felt it and asked him to move it, but he was done being scared of who he was, he had been done with it for weeks, but that night was the night in which all feelings of fear were gone. He was in love with Chase Johnston and fuck anyone in society who didn't approve or accept them.
As they lay there, Chase moved so that his body was facing Noah and he was pressed right up against him and Noah could feel Chase's erection pressed hard against his. He was desperate to touch it, but he was afraid that he would scare him, so he refrained from doing it. He just lay there holding Chase in his arms and soon, he was asleep along with his friend.
The night before when Noah had had the erotic dream, he remembered everything about it. He remembered that he and Chase were both naked in the woods. It was a vast forest and if he were in it and awake, he probably would have been afraid, but not here, not in this dream. The moon was full in the sky and every star was shining brightly in the night sky. Noah was on his back with no clothes on at all. Strangely enough, he didn't care how or why his clothes were off. He only cared about the person who he could see above him who was naked just like him. He couldn't see their face, but he knew that it was a boy; he could feel his erect penis when the boy moved against him with his face turned away in the beginning when he stretched out on top of Noah and began kissing all over his neck. Noah was moaning while the boy did this, then he began to kiss all over Noah's chest and he began sucking and softly bighting on Noah's nipples which caused him to moan loudly with pleasure and need for more.
The hot moist mouth began to lick and suck all over Noah's abdomen and both of his sides, then his legs were moved apart and the boy began to nibble and suck on Noah's big and hairy ball sack which was sending searing bright lights and colors before Noah's eyes and making his body jerk violently with electric shocks of pleasure. Finally, the boy's hot and wet mouth began to take Noah's huge and throbbing cock in his mouth and slowly take it in to his mouth and once used to the large shaft, the boy began to suck Noah and suck him in a way that seemed possessive. Noah was enjoying himself and he knew that he was close.
The boy began to take his mouth off of Noah's cock, and when he did, he began to slowly lick all over Noah's balls and shaft making Noah scream with lust and pleasure. Then the boy engulfed Noah's shaft down to the base of it and continued sucking him and deep throating him. Noah knew that he was close and with a loud scream like a wild animal, he came like never before. The feelings were good, too good and his cock was on fire and both feeling ecstatically wonderful, but burning with every shot of cum he blasted out of it and in to the sucking mouth. Noah was coming harder and he felt like his body would bust apart with the force of it. The feelings were so intense and so crushing in their power, that he wanted them to never stop, but he was desperate for them to stop and for his orgasm to pass. It soon slowed, then was over and he let out a long breath of contentment, and looked down in to the eyes of the boy who had been wildly making love to him. He was overcome with disbelief and was both scared and excited to see the lust-filled eyes of Chase looking deeply in to his own. That's when he jerked violently awake and was soaking his boxers in load after steaming-hot load of cum. He sat there after it was over trying to get his head to clear and as he thought about the dream over the next few hours and over the next few days, he knew that through all of the lust and sexual need he was experiencing in the dream, he was also feeling deep feelings of love for Chase and when thinking about it a little more, he knew that deep down a part of him knew in the dream that it had been Chase all along who was loving his body.
Noah was jerked out of these thoughts as he heard the door opening and closing and he heard the distinct footsteps of Chase's walk. Because of the C.P., his right foot would rise up and drop back down as his left foot dragged across the floor and he had only seconds to put his right foot down again so that his left foot disabled though it was could function so he could walk along the floor. Thus, Noah always knew when Chase was returning to the room to be with him or when he was first coming in to the room for the first time in the morning without him having to look at Chase to know he was coming in.
Noah was still hard from thinking about how sexy Chase was and also because of thinking about the dream he had had about him all those weeks ago. His cock was stiff and he knew that he had enough precum in his boxers that it would be soaking through soon if he didn't do something about it now. He quickly got up and just as quickly told Chase that he had to use the restroom, then ran to it and immediately closed and locked the door. He pulled his shorts and boxers down and looked down at his penis that was slowly but definitely deflating which he was happy for since he didn't want to keep showing iron the whole time he was with Chase that day. He took off the role some toilet paper and pulling back his foreskin, he made sure to wipe off all of the glistening and creamy fluids that were covering the head of his cock. He was getting hard again and he tried to think about other things to keep it down. Luckily this worked, and he finished up cleaning off the head of his cock, then he did actually urinate, then washing his hands and flushing the toilet, he came out of the restroom and reclaimed his seat on the edge of Chase's bed.
"You must have really had to go," Chase said as he sat down beside Noah and looked at him with a knowing smirk on his face.
"I know what you're trying to imply," Noah said smirking back. "How do you know I still don't have that temper I had a while back?"
"You don't," Chase said and leaned in close and put an arm around Noah's shoulders. "You trying to say that you'd kick my ass for implying that you're horny right now and maybe horny for another guy?"
Noah smiled at Chase this time and looked at him.
"I was just fucking with you," he said. "I won't get pissed about anything you say and yeah, you got me. I was horny."
"Haven't jacked off in a while or something?" Chase asked smiling at him.
"No, I didn't have time," Noah said. "I had to get started this morning and didn't have time to fit it in when I got my shower, but I'll get it done here soon."
"I'm sure you will," Chase said and looked directly in to Noah's eyes. He was just as in love with Noah as he was with him and he was grateful to him for letting him sleep in his bed ever since that night when he had the epic attack on his leg.
Michael
I sat with my mom across from me outside the restaurant finishing up my food while she continued working on her chef salad she had ordered. Through the lunch, I was telling her about how everything was going with me and the kids, at least as much as I could without breaking confidentiality. I was still holding something back, and she knew it from the way she was looking at me throughout the meal. I had been thinking for the past few days about when Larry Marks had raped me and about how I knew that had I not had the support and love of not only her and my dad when he eventually came back in to my life, but the love of Josh and my other brothers, I thought about the question of where I might have ended up. Would I have ended up sick and eventually dying from either alcoholism or drug addiction in some dark area of the streets? Most horrifying of all, would I have probably gone the way of Noah and began beating up people for little more than who they were, or who I perceived them to be? The thoughts disturbed me and there were other thoughts, ones that I hadn't talked about to anyone, not my mom, not dad and not even Josh. It had to do with when I was trying to keep the secret of my sexuality in the months before I told my mom for the first time.
I had always been afraid that she would disown me if she knew, or if not that, then she would be afraid all the time that I might get AIDS from another male or that someone would kill me for being who I am. In my barely 13-year-old mind at the time, all of this made sense, so I held it in and I would wake up screaming every night from dreams in which my mom kicked me out of the house, others in which a large gathering of people took turns beating me to death and more dreams in which I was standing in the actual lake of fire burning for all time because of my sexuality. Even at 12 years old, I heard on TV and from anyone and everyone in society that being straight was normal, but GLBT was sick at the most and evil at the very least. As I continued having nightmares, my mom was getting even more concerned and scared for me and there were times where I would space out in class and about three weeks before I came out to mom, I began wishing that I could go to sleep and never wake up again. That's how it started out anyway, but I then began to think of actual ways to end my life. These thoughts caused me even more pain and sadness since I would have thoughts afterwards of my funeral and my mom crying over my casket. The thoughts were slowly going away in the days leading up to when I came out to my mom and after getting me in to see a counselor, they went away. They went away especially with the help of my counselor who gave me things to remember about making sure to talk about my feelings and other things I could remember about staying calm and remembering my value as a person in the world.
I felt a hand gently but firmly squeezing mine and I was brought back to reality. My mom was looking at me worried and she had to call my name again louder since I clearly hadn't been hearing her at all.
"Sorry," I said and I felt spaced out and had to struggle hard to get back to the present time. I'm fine, really."
She wasn't buying it at all and placing money on the table, she got up and I knew that from the loving but serious look on her face and how she took my hand and pulled gently but firmly, that we would be having a talk some place far from others who could hear us if we didn't go some other place that was private and quiet.
After driving in silence for a few minutes, we stopped up at where the old house had been standing, but now where it was just blackened earth, and she and I both got out of the car and were now sitting on the grass in front of the house.
"Why did you bring us here?" I asked looking at her.
She took my hands in hers and looked deeply in to my eyes. I had to fight the impulse to turn away and I knew that she wasn't letting go of my hands.
"Michael, I love you more than anything," she began. "I know that you know this."
"Yeah," I said not sure where she was going with this. "Mom, I don't understand."
She took me in her arms and just held me and I was slowly beginning to feel what had been bothering me and it had probably been there for days, maybe even weeks. I was beginning to have trouble with the work. I wasn't doing the complete work of a full-blown child psychologist, but I knew that I was working myself hard to help the kids, especially the ones who had a history of attempting to end their lives.
"When I checked on you and Josh the past few nights and sometimes when I walked past your guy's closed bedroom door, I could hear you yelling out in your sleep."
"Do you remember what I was saying?" I asked.
"You must have been dreaming about something happening to the kids," she said. "You were yelling out the names of Tyler and Ryan, especially."
I made a motion and she knew that I wanted her to let go of me for a moment. I remembered the dreams that she was talking about over the past several nights. I was having dreams where I would see Ryan or Tyler, sometimes both of them attempting to kill themselves and I was unable to do anything to stop them. I was also having dreams in which I was laying on the floor of the bathroom of our old house and my wrists would be cut opened wide and I would be wishing that someone would come and try to save me and knowing the irreversible decision I had made. I would hear my mom after several attempts to get the door opened finally get it opened and she would see my body spread out on the floor in a river of my own blood trying to call for her to help me and nothing coming out. In the dreams, I was still 12 and I could see her looking down at me and screaming long and loud, then grabbing me and holding me and trying to call for help on the phone. I would be thinking all the time that I wanted to take it back, and that there were so many things I had to do but would never get to do, then I would wake up and Josh would be holding me and helping me to calm down.
I figured that my dreams were me worrying about the safety of the kids, but also they were leading to my own dreams based partly in the memory of the suicidal thoughts I had been having as a younger child. I also was figuring, and correctly as well, that dealing with all of the issues of the kids was bringing back my own demons. I in all of that time that I was working at the house didn't have any urges to take my life again, that's not what I'm saying at all; it's that I had unknowingly opened a doorway to the past which can happen and I at that point in time was learning the painful truth that our lives do not move in a straight line towards a reward in Heaven or a fiery punishment in Hell, nor do our lives move in a straight line away from bad events in our lives. I was understanding this in the deepest way in which the universe could awaken me to it.
After gathering my thoughts, I moved close to her again and I began talking.
"I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing," I began. "I want you to know that starting out."
"I understand," she said.
"Doing this work, especially with the kids who have identified as gay has really brought back for me what I went through when I first came out to you back when I became a teenager."
"I know that was a scary time for you," she said putting an arm around me.
"Well, what I'm about to tell you," I began. "It's something I didn't even tell my counselor."
"What are you talking about?" she asked beginning to get scared.
"While I was 12 and especially before I turned 13," I began, then lost control. My tears were coming on suddenly and emotions that I thought were long forgotten in the past were coming back. She held me as I sobbed hard and shook and let everything out. "I told you before when I came out to you that I knew around when I was 12, but I didn't tell you that I had always known that I liked boys in some way pretty much all of my life since I was 8 and I sort of knew that people in the world wouldn't agree with it and I would hear adults around me talk about how it was abnormal for guys to be together like men and women were when they would be boyfriend and girlfriend with each other. So for my birthdays when you said for me to make a wish from 9 until I was 13, my wish was always that a doctor or someone would make a technology someday that would get that part out of me and I would wish that I wouldn't have that filth in me. That was my wish for all of those birthdays."
"Oh Michael," my mom said and she was crying now, but keeping herself together enough so that she could help me. "I'm so sorry you were feeling like that."
"I was so scared," I sobbed as she held me. "Then when I was 12, I began wishing at night that I wouldn't wake up in the morning and that I could be gone and not have to feel what I was feeling, not the feelings for other boys, the fear, the sadness or any of it. I would be crying every night at that time and I would fall asleep and the next morning would come and I would be awake again. I didn't have the joy that most boys that age have of it being a new day and waking up in the morning and having that feeling that all things were possible. I was thinking that it was another morning that would start off another day and it made me feel so tired and then I would be so scared. I lived and feared every day as the days went on. Eventually though, I began to think of different ways of how I could end my life."
"Oh baby," my mom said and held me tighter.
I told her about what I was afraid of her having to go through if she knew that I was gay and that I thought at the time that me not being alive would keep her safe from that. I also told her about the dreams I had over the past few nights about her finding me.
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you all of that back then," I sobbed and was still crying hard.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," she said. Yes, I wish I would have our could have known how badly you were hurting back then, but I'm still with the people who believe that if society wasn't the way it was towards people and kids who are GLBT, then you and other adults and kids wouldn't have to go through what you just told me about."
We just sat there with her slowly getting her tears under control, and after a few more minutes of her holding me and me letting the last of my tears go, it was all out. I understood now why she had brought me back here. I needed to remember where I had come from and remember that I was Michael, a caring compassionate person who wanted to help other kids or anyone in need, but that I wasn't God, nor a person who could just keep things away with a couple of smiles and saying: "I'm Fine." All the time. It was a painful lesson, but I needed it if I was going to be of help to the kids or to my brothers. The other lesson was clear as well, that we eventually have to return full-circle back to our past if not to repeat it, then to understand it so that we may go forward with more mature ways of existing and living.
"Thank you for bringing me here and also, thank you for talking to me," I said and hugged my mom tightly. "I love you so much."
"You're welcome my son," she said. "I love you more than anything. I don't want you to ever forget that, not ever."
"I won't," I said. "I promise you that."
I knew then that I would have to talk to Josh. I had been keeping this from him, especially in the past few days and it wasn't fair to him, especially not if we were going to take vows someday soon to commit to one another as husbands.
0000
Noah and Chase were sitting across from one another outside the restaurant they chose for that day's lunch. It was a small place about 10 minutes from the house and it had good sea food which was what they both enjoyed. Noah was enjoying spicy crab cakes and a side of fried clam strips with a cup of sauce which was a mixture of hot sauce and ranch dressing and Chase was having crab legs also with fried clam strips and there was also some pieces of shrimp beside his plate with a spicy cheese dip. They both sat in silence for a few minutes when the food came and were just enjoying everything. Then Noah put down his napkin and leaned back in his chair for a moment. He looked over at Chase and smiled.
"Thank you for having lunch with me today," he said.
"You're welcome," Chase replied after swallowing his food. "I'm glad you asked me to do it."
"So am I," Noah responded. "After this, I was hoping you would go another place with me."
"Okay," Chase said looking intently at his friend. "Where is it?"
"I'll show you when we begin walking again," Noah answered.
"Okay," Chase said. "That sounds good."
"I'm glad," Noah replied.
After the dishes were cleared away, they both had a slice of Key lime Pie and they both were surprised to learn that that was another thing they both had in common with one another.
"Wow!" Chase said amazed after they put in their orders. "Is there anything we don't have in common with one another?"
"I don't know," Noah said and smiled at his friend.
Once dessert was finished, Noah got up from his seat and came around the table so that Chase could hold on to him and stand up. They both walked away from the restaurant once making sure that the money was where the waiter could find it and after seeing him take it with him back in to the building. They walked for a few minutes, then Noah stopped and turned to Chase.
"I'll tell you where I want you to come with me now if you want," he said to his friend.
"Okay," Chase said.
There's a small cluster of trees and bushes that block off the road and public areas and it's deep in the woods close to the house," Noah said. "I was wondering if you wanted to go there with me and just talk and get away from everything."
"I'd really like that!" Chase said excitedly.
"Good!" Noah said and they began walking again.
Once at the area that he told Chase about, he was pleased to see the smile on Chase's face when he looked at the shaded and green colors of the woods that seemed to never end. They found a place and sat down beside each other. Noah placed his arm around Chase's shoulders and pulled him close.
"You're being really affectionate with me lately, and it seems like more in the past couple of days," Chase said looking up in to Noah's face.
"Yeah," Noah said smiling at his friend. "I guess I have."
"You know you have," Chase said and smiled even more at him.
"Actually," Noah began. "You're right, I do know that."
"Any particular reason?" Chase asked.
"Well, it could be that that's just how much I care about you as my best friend," Noah said and moved his face closer to Chase's. "It could be that I want you to feel safe so that that's the reason I do it. It could also be something else entirely."
"Like what," Chase said.
Noah took his arm from around Chase's shoulders and took the boy's face gently in his hands. He looked deeply in to his eyes and moved his face closer until their foreheads were pressed together and he softly pressed his lips to Chase's and they kissed romantically for the first time that day as the skies shown as a deep-blue with no clouds and the birds sang all around them.
Once the kiss ended, Noah moved his face away and looked in to his friend's eyes. Chase was smiling and his eyes held nothing but love and happiness at what just happened.
"It's because I'm deeply in love with you Chase," Noah said, then leaned in and kissed him again. This time, Chase kissed back more hungrily and the kiss began to open like a flower and it also began to get warm, then hot. They had their arms wrapped around one another and then they lay back on the soft grass on their sides and just held one another and they enjoyed the deep and hungry kisses they were exchanging with one another.
Noah had never felt anything like this before and he felt turned on both romantically and sexually in ways that he felt like he would never be able to put in to words. His iron-hard erection was twitching and his balls were hot and tingling along with the throbbing of his cock. He was pressed up against Chase and he could feel Chase's own hardness against his.
Chase was on fire with his love and sexual desire for Noah. He could feel Noah's hot lips on his own and he could also feel the bigger boy's hardness against his own. He knew that he was close to coming and he didn't want that, but he never wanted this moment to end.
Noah was the first to break the kiss and now they just lay there trying to slow their breathing. Chase lay his head in the hollow of Noah's neck and they just stayed like that for what seemed like hours, then Noah spoke after he took Chase's face in his hands again.
"I've never felt this way about anyone before in my life," he said with deep emotion in his voice. "You're so handsome Chase."
"So are you Noah," Chase said and gave Noah a smile that made his heart melt when he looked at it. Chase then kissed Noah deeply again, then just looked at him. "I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you."
Noah laughed and couldn't help but feel a slight disbelief.
"Now I know you live in a fantasy," he said. Chase playfully hit Noah on the side of his arm and kissed his cheek. "You couldn't have possibly known that from that first time. I was really cruel back then."
"Okay," Chase said. "I might not have literally loved you at the first moment I saw you, but I knew that I was thinking that I wanted to help you change and become a person that I could love. I'll definitely say though, that I was really attracted to you that night at dinner when we first spoke to one another."
"Truthfully, I felt the same way about you too that night," Noah said looking at him. "For obvious reasons though, I couldn't have let you know at that moment though."
"The same goes for me as well," Chase replied. "I'll admit that I spent many nights thinking about you while jacking off when I was in bed."
"It was the second night we were at the house that I thought about you while jacking off," Noah admitted. "When you thought about me in that way, how did it feel?"
"It was sexy," Chase replied. "It also felt weird. I was trying to picture doing sexual and romantic things with your body, but it was kind of hard to think of that along-side the bad character you showed in your personality to others."
Noah saw that Chase had an embarrassed smile on his face and he kissed him softly.
"It's okay Chase," Noah said. "I can understand and I don't blame you for that it all. I probably would have felt the same. When I thought about you in a romantic and sexual way along with getting myself off at night, it was mainly feelings of fear mixed with the good feelings. In the first place, I was still afraid of the truth of me being gay and there were other things as well, most of some of which I haven't told you yet."
"Is it about things you did to others before you came to the house?" Chase asked him.
"No," Noah said and looked away. "You know all about that. It has to do with something else, and I'm afraid that you won't think of me the same after I tell you."
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Chase said taking Noah's face in his hands and turning it so that their eyes were on one another again. He kissed Noah tenderly on his lips and looked deeply in to his eyes.
"It has to do with my father," Noah began. "And yes, I do have to tell you if we're going to not only have a relationship, but if we're going to have any kind of honesty."
"Okay," Chase said. "Just take your time and don't feel like you have to rush anything."
Noah began telling Chase about his father raping him and as the story continued, Noah began to break down, then he had to stop, because of how hard he was crying.
"It's okay my love," Chase said. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with you by your side for always."
After a few minutes, Noah's tears subsided and he could speak again. He told Chase the rest of the story, not leaving anything out. Chase listened, then kissed him lovingly on his cheeks, then on his lips.
"Thank you for telling me," Chase said softly looking deep in to Noah's eyes again. "I don't think you're damaged goods and I still love you now after you told me and that's never going to change. You mean the world to me and as deeply as I loved you before you told me about what your father did, I love you now and will continue to love you just as deeply going forward."
"Thank you Chase," Noah said. They shared another kiss and then just lay there with their foreheads touching. "That means a lot to me and I have and will always have a deep love and respect for you not only as my friend, but as my boyfriend."
"So will I," Chase said.
"So if you want to be boyfriends with me," Noah began. "I'd really love that."
"So would I," Chase said. "I definitely want to be your boyfriend. Do you want to be mine?"
"Yeah," Noah said and leaned in to kiss him. "I'm glad we got that settled and I feel more happy now than I ever have before in my life."
"So do I," Chase said.
"I want you to know though," Noah began. "I'm not ready for sex, not just yet. Even if I hadn't been raped by my father, I would still want to do things the old way. By that, I'm talking about taking a boyfriend out on dates and letting our relationship unfold slowly, then doing any kind of love-making once we've gotten to know each other more deeply. I'm definitely committed to that stance even more now because of what my father did to me though. I hope you can understand and respect that point of view."
"I absolutely do," Chase said looking directly at Noah while saying this. "I would never push for sex and I don't want to do it right now, not in the next few days, and especially not in the next minute or in the next few seconds."
"I'm glad we both see eye-to-eye on that," Noah said. "What I'll definitely allow, is you to sleep beside me at night wrapped in my arms, if you still want to do that. Now though, it'll just have a deeper meaning when we share my bed."
"I'd love that," Chase said and snuggled more in to Noah's arms.
"Good," Noah said. They kissed for a few minutes, then Noah broke the kiss. "Chase, I love you more than anything; I want you to know that."
"I love you too Noah," Chase responded. "I love you more than I can ever put in to words and it's truly wonderful that we're boyfriends and that we're working on sharing our lives together!"
"Yeah," Noah agreed. "It definitely is."
After exchanging a few more loving hugs and kisses, they decided to return to the house so they could be back in time for dinner. They were surprised at how long they had been alone with one another that afternoon. Once Noah helped up Chase and had him balanced on his feet, they began their walk back to the house.
Michael
I finished up the last of the paperwork and handed it off to Brad who took it in to the office so it could be filed. I then went to find Josh. I knew he and I had to talk and I was nervous about doing it. Over the past couple of days, he and I would talk about how one another was doing, but there was a shallowness to the discussions and we both knew it. We hadn't been intimate in a few weeks either and while we weren't arguing, not loudly or even calmly, I knew that Josh was getting impatient with all of my responses that everything was fine and I was getting scared when he would ask, but it was coming out in me making impatient sounds when I would answer him. I felt horrible about it and I was desperate to change things so that we wouldn't start having deep and damaging problems in our relationship.
I pushed in the chair that we used for the desk that served as a work desk which was standing in the main sitting room of the house and I went to find Josh. He wasn't in the kitchen and I heard him in the small office where we turned in all paperwork. He was finishing letting my dad know that everything went fine with one of the kids, but I didn't know who it was since I only caught the last few words as I got closer to the doorway of the room. I stood there for a moment waiting for him to finish talking, then I tapped lightly on the doorway.
"Oh, hi Michael," my dad said. "Josh was just filling me in on how things with Justin went when they had their session which just ended a couple of minutes ago."
"Oh," I said. "It sounds like it went well."
"Yeah," Josh said turning to me. "It went good and he's doing well."
"I'm glad to hear that," I said, and I was.
"So am I," Josh said walking towards me.
"I'm definitely pleased at the progress everyone is making around here," my dad said looking directly at me and his look was loving but deeply serious. I knew that my mom would tell him about everything I told her that day. She asked me if she could after I told her and I agreed and had her agree that he would tell no one else if I promised to talk to him soon. She agreed and from the way he was looking at me now, I knew that he knew. I could also guess that he knew that something was wrong with me for a few days anyway since I brushed off his concerns lately as well in addition to the concern that Josh had for me.
"Wow," I thought in my head. "I really am being a horrible son and boyfriend lately."
"Michael!" I suddenly heard Josh say loudly.
"Sorry, what?" I said giving my head a shake to clear it. "I must have been away for a moment."
"You didn't hear anything I said did you?" Josh asked coming closer to me and putting his hand in mine once I held it out for him.
"No," I said. "I'm sorry."
"I was wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner later on tonight after the kids are taken care of with dinner," he was looking at me and his tone was soft, but I knew that he was struggling to keep from getting impatient and angry with me.
"Yeah, I think I'd like that," I said and he must have heard the distracted tone in my voice. I knew that we really had to talk, or things would become a mess that would probably not be able to be managed in a way that would help keep things together for us.
"Well, we'll see you later Andrew," Josh said looking in Andrew's direction, then turning his eyes back to me. His look said that we were going to talk and that it was not up for discussion.
"We'll see you later dad," I said, then after walking further in to the room, I hugged my dad. He held me for a moment, then let go, but I knew that he didn't want to. Truthfully, I didn't want him to either, I honestly wanted him to keep holding me forever and for him to make what I was feeling go away forever.
"I love you Michael," he said in my ear low enough so that only I could hear.
"I love you too dad," I said in his ear just as low.
After we held one another for a moment, I went back over to Josh and we took one another's hands and walked out of the room. We were silent as we walked down the hall to where his and my room was located. Once in the room, he closed the door and turned to me after making sure that it was locked.
"So how did your lunch with your mom go?" he asked looking at me.
"It went well," I said.
"Did it?" he asked seriously.
"Josh?" I began.
He took my hand and lead me over to the bed. We sat down beside one another and he wrapped his arms around me and just held me for a moment.
"We need to talk Michael," he said softly when he moved his head to look in to my eyes. "You know we do."
"I know," I said.
"I know that this question gets thrown around a lot and it's more a casual wording, but I mean it this time," he began.
"What?" I asked.
"Do you truly know just how much I really and deeply love you Michael?"
"Yeah," I said.
"You know that I would do anything for you right?" he asked and kissed me on the cheek.
"Yeah," I said. "I do know that."
"And you know that I've always talked about honesty in a relationship as have you," he said.
"Yeah," I answered.
"I want you to talk to me Michael," he said softly leaning in close and holding me tighter. "I know that you're closing yourself off to me and I don't want that. I love you more than anything and sometimes when you're hurting for any reason, I just wish that I could just take you some place where it's only us, just you and I. I wish I could do this and just keep you safe from everything. I know that this isn't something that could happen, but I still think about it sometimes. It hurts me deeply when you're hurting and especially when I know that you're being hurt in some way."
"I truly feel the same about you too Josh, I hope you know that," I said close to tears now.
"I do know that," he answered. "So please, Michael, please just open up to me. I truly want to know what's going on with you. I'll do everything I can to help, that's a promise."
He was holding me and rubbing my back up and down in slow strokes and my head was on his shoulder. It must have been his loving words and loving tone, because my tears were flowing now and I was sobbing, probably just as hard as when I told my mom everything earlier that day.
After I told him everything, he just held me close and was rocking me gently in his arms. We didn't speak for what seemed like hours. I felt closer to him in that moment and I can't describe it, not even today, just how loved I felt after opening up to him and knocking down those self-made walls. I felt like a weight had been taken from my shoulders.
"I'm sorry I shut you out," I said after my tears were gone and I had dried my eyes. "I guess I needed to share more about myself than just the usual stuff. I thought that if I could help the kids, that only that and a little counseling would help me."
"I hear what you're saying my love," Josh said and hugged me, then kissed my lips softly. "It's easy to forget where we come from and that we are human. One other thing though."
"What?" I asked.
"I know that you haven't wanted to make love with me for a few weeks now," he began and kissed my cheek lovingly. There was no sexual motive in it, just the expression of his deep love for me, both as a friend and as a soul mate.
"Yes," I said. "It had to do with what Larry did. The flashbacks were happening and this time, they were bad enough that even the thought of doing anything sexual with you would cause me to picture that bastard's face in place of yours."
"I'm so sorry my love," Josh said and held me tighter again.
"Again, I really am sorry I never shared that with you," I said. "I'm also sorry for never telling you about the thoughts I had been experiencing back when I was younger. Even though you didn't know me back then, I still should have told you at some point during our relationship early-on."
"You're telling me now," Josh said and kissed me softly. "Yes, I would have liked to have known back then and when I told you early-on in the beginning of our relationship about having those sort of thoughts before coming out to my dad, I wish I could have known, so that I could have maybe felt like I wasn't the only one, but I'm not angry with you for not sharing it with me at that point, but I'm glad you told me now."
"So am I," I said.
"I want to ask you, and I want you to answer me truthfully," he said. "Along with the dreams of what you thought about back then, are you thinking about killing yourself again right now, or have you been thinking about it lately?"
"No," I said looking directly in to his eyes. "I'm not, and haven't been thinking about it now or lately, not since I was 12. I promise you Josh, and I would say something if I was."
"Okay," he said and kissed me again. "Thank you for being truthful with me."
"You're welcome," I said. "Thank you for making me sit and talk to you. I know that I really needed it."
"You're welcome," he said and rested his head on my shoulder as I was doing with him.
Author's Notes
I know that this is probably an even darker moment in the lives of Michael and Josh, but this is my attempt at showing just how human these two are, rather than showing them as invincible super heroes.
So take care, and I'll see everyone in the next chapter.