This is a true story and it is very close to my heart. It tells about the one guy that I would use the term "lover" to describe. I am opening my soul, here and I know that that can be dangerous. As always your coments are welcome.
ben_sc@hotmail.com
David Chapter 5
I went to David's the following day (Wednesday) and we had another wonderful day together.
Hello My Sweetie, I LOVE YOU!!
Have you ever loved somebody so much you physically ached when you were away from them? Have you ever needed somebody so much that you would go out of your way just for the opportunity to see them or talk to them for just a few minutes. Have you ever wanted to be with somebody so badly that you were willing to take the risk of losing your job, your family, your life? Have you ever been willing to change whatever you can about yourself so that they will want you more?
I recognize that I am very blessed that things have worked out the way they have, Especially when you consider the way we met. Before, you worked with and were around the guy everyday. It's a process called "natural selection." Our meeting was a bit more artificial and contrived.
There wasn't the opportunity for you to meet me, observe me for awhile, enjoy my company, for attraction to grow, and then love. I just showed up at your door, "Here I am, like me or not, I'm here to have sex with you and it's too late to back out now!" Not exactly the storybook version, is it?
For me it was different than it was for you. I had met and been with several guys and I knew what was out there, and what I had right there in my arms.
My first thought of you was that you were a really nice guy, a good person. I got all of that from our phone conversations and from your email messages. When I finally met you I was, frankly, very surprised. You didn't look like the picture I had formed in my mind of you. I couldn't believe you were as physically beautiful as you are.
If somebody had sat down and interviewed me to find out what I was attracted to in a man and there were 12 different categories for me to fill in the blanks, you would have filled AT LEAST 10 of them as my first choice. (It's no use wondering what the other two are, because I'll NEVER tell you.) How could I resist?
I found out immediately that you were a great kisser. Still, I was in my "meeting a guy for sex" mode, but that didn't last long.
I'm not sure exactly when I fell in love with you. Maybe it was when you told me, on the first Monday after we met, that you got off at 4:30. I knew that you wanted me to come and see you. You had called me several times that day and it was very flattering and exciting for me. I kept thinking. "Wow, he really does like me and wants to be with me!" How could I not respond to that?
The next day I fell a little deeper in love when you were so understanding. I was so afraid that you would not want to be with me anymore, but you were great. Then on Wednesday, "Torture Wednesday", you were so patient and supportive. I knew you wanted me, that you loved me.
It was the first day that you told me, that you actually formed the words, and you captured my heart. The following Monday was beautiful, and hot, and wild, and tender, and wonderful.
Then Wednesday everything got interrupted. You hit me, BAM! right out of the park by telling me that you couldn't be with me. My paranoid self-esteem crawled back in the basement. I naturally (for me)assumed that you didn't WANT to be with me, or at best, you'd rather do what you were doing with your Mom than be with me. I'm over it now. I am growing up. It's about time, don't you think?
Friday I wasn't taking any chances. You already told me that you had to be into work earlier than you thought before. I was afraid you were going to cancel and I didn't want to know about it. I PURPOSELY didn't check my email or go to work because I didn't want to hear you tell me I couldn't come.
I was dying to see you. I just had to. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I did watch and wait until your wife left, but I really wasn't stalking you.
I'm not really a psycho. I just wanted to give you your Valentine's present and card. I knew that I wouldn't see you before Sunday. (Incidentally, the meeting at the mall thing doesn't seem to work very well. It will take a lot of convincing to get me to do it again, and it won't be at Dillards. Those people think I'm stalking them! Maybe near the ATM machine, then people will only think I'm going to rob them!) I didn't care if I just got to see you for 30 seconds. That's why I did what I did.
Monday I really did have to be out, anyway. No, I didn't have to be up there where I was, I just wanted the chance to see you again. It that wrong? Am I crazy for wanting to see you that much?
I remember when you called me SEVERAL times a day. The first day we were together, you called me even before I got back to work, just because you missed me. It was sweet, it was spontaneous.
You didn't seem terribly happy to see me on Monday. I don't know if it was my appearance (you'll NEVER see me looking like that again!) or the fact that I, once again, showed up when or where I was uninvited. I'm sorry, I won't do it again.
Yesterday started out to be very frustrating for me. The later it got to be, the more I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to see you at all. I was getting more frantic by the minute. You're right, I AM a baby, but I can't help it. I need my regular dose of David. I need to hold you and kiss you and have you say all those sweet things you say to me (jerk, Pops, puke, and my personal favorite, butthole).
Yesterday was WONDERFUL. I thought we had reached the peak, that our lovemaking couldn't get any better. Boy was I wrong! Your response to me when I was inside you stimulated me so much. I wanted to make you feel what you were feeling forever. I fell even MORE deeply in love with you.
Later, downstairs was very special to me. It feels so different when there is no condom (that's why I "lose it" sometimes. I can't feel it as well). I won't do it any other way with me inside until I KNOW everything is okay. I could feel every inch (foot?) of you inside of me, hot and hard and huge. When you came, I felt you grow even bigger! I got to take a little bit of you with me, and I somehow was comforted by that. I hope I didn't embarrass you with all of that. I didn't want to make it sound dirty or nasty.
On another note, I have to admit that you stimulated my imagination by telling me how you and Joey used to dance "nasty". I gotta tell you, I'd really enjoy watching it. I can only visualize you and somebody that looks a lot like you "humping each other's leg", etc. Maybe I am kinky, but I'd pay a brand new, shiny quarter to watch it.
Not much chance of that, though. Do you think you could teach me to dance with you like that? Or would that be too weird for you? I'm totally serious, so stop laughing! I don't mean going to a club or anything, (I don't think you'd want to be seen with me at a club anyway, people would be feeling sorry for you!) I mean at your house. I'm sure that we could find some appropriate music.
Two weeks! That's like forever, you know? That will be after the 27th and everything. I understand that you have to work, and the truth is that I have a lot to do myself. But two weeks! Please call me often and, if it's okay, I'd like to meet you for lunch, next week. You said something about Wednesday?
I am planning to bring my prescription for bifocals to you along with my insurance information. I'm getting really tired of taking off my glasses to read something. I'll need a final price so I can budget, then I'll put in my order, okay? Hey, there's a reason to come see you on Monday!
I'll try hard to be good, not to whine, but, dang it (I thought I'd use one or your expressions!)I ALREADY miss you. It's not my fault, you're completely addictive. If you don't call me I'll have to start stalking you for real! When I show up at your church or WHATEVER, don't be too surprised.
I'll bet THAT got you thinking!
Please understand, I'm not going anywhere. I can wait for two weeks as long as I know you love me, and want to be with me too. I'll be here waiting for you whenever you can be with me. When you need me and we can be together, you will always find me, no matter what. I love you, David. Do you realize how much I really do?
Ben
BEN,
PEOPLE WOULDN'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME, THEY WOULD FEEL SORRY FOR THEMSELVES FOR NOT HAVING YOU ( ACTUALLY IT WOULD BE JEALOUSY )
MY SCHEDULE FOR MONDAY AND WED. IS 1:30 -4:30 OK!! GOTTA GO I LOVE YOU
LOVE YA,
DAVID
David went in late that that Friday and I got my results back from my HIV test. It was negative but I decided to play a little joke on him. I told him I wanted to tell him the results in person and he, very seriously, told me to come over. I came in and he had a worried look on his face. I told him to sit down and then sat next to him. I looked into his frightened eyes and said, "It was negative, but...
"But what?!"
"I'm pregnant!"
David pushed me off the couch and I couldn't get up because I was laughing so hard.
Hey Meaness! I Love You!!
I'm sorry I scared you. It was cruel of me and I'm sorry. I PROMISE I won't do anything like that to you again. Please don't be mad at me anymore.
I hope you know that I didn't come there to have sex with you today. I didn't even bring my little bag of goodies with me-on purpose. You seemed to be doing everything you could to prevent it when all you had to do is tell me that you don't want to. I knew it today, and it was fine. It seemed that you didn't let me even kiss you until you knew it was late enough that we just COULDN'T do anything. It isn't necessary for you to do all of that. Just tell me. Then I can still hold you and kiss you, and I won't expect anything more. I'm not into forcing or coercing you into having sex with me. I love you too much to ever do that to you. Please, just relax and let me know, okay?
I'm sorry I was so out of it, today. I really didn't sleep very well last night, thinking about my test results. Also, my neck has been bothering me a lot lately, and I have been taking a lot of medication to make it bearable. I wasn't really pouting. I was waiting for you to decide I had been punished long enough for scaring you so badly. I knew you finally would and I would get my kisses and hugs after all. It was worth the wait. You always are.
Why did you give me your schedule for Monday and Wednesday? I don't remember bugging you about it. Of course, the HORNY side of me is hoping you told me because you want to see me before you go to work, but you're not usually so vague, so I had to ask, understand? I'll pick up my prescription today and bring it and my insurance information to you. What else do you need?
I need to go my sweetie. I love you so much and, again, I'm sorry I scared you. I would be a wreck if I thought something like HIV happened to you. It was pretty thoughtless of me. Do you still love me anyway? Ben
DEAR BEN(butthole),
ARE YOU CRAZY !!! OF COURSE I STILL LOVE YOU . I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY TODAY IT'S JUST I KNOW HOW I AM AND I KNEW IF I GOT STARTED I WOULD NOT HAVE STOPPED UNTIL WE HAD SEX .I'M SORRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY THIS WILL BE ALL I CAN SEND TO YOU THERE IS A MAN THAT BOUGHT MY COMPUTER AND IS PICKING IT UP ON SATURDAY(TOMORROW). I DO LOVE YOU. I WILL CALL YOU ON MONDAY . OK .
PLENTY OF HUGS AND KISSES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAVID
When I got to work on Monday, I had a message on my voicemail from David. He said that he thought that his wife might know about us. His neighbor had told her that there was a man at their house a lot and she asked him about it. He didn't go into any details in the message. I wrote him a letter and dropped it at his house where he said Lisa wouldn't find it.
Hello David,
I just got your message when I got in this morning. I've listened to it several times and I don't know what to think. You said that Your wife possibly knows and that you will call me about it. As you probably know this is driving me CRAZY!!
Yesterday I was kind of down. When you called me in the morning, your manner was as if you were doing it as some sort of duty. You didn't have much to say, and there were several periods of silence from you. Did you know about this then? You didn't say "I love you" until I said something about it. You kept saying "I don't think you do."
I have never given you ANY reason to doubt it and it kind of hurts when you aren't spontaneous with it. I did notice that you didn't say it in the message you left. Am I reading too much into this?
What makes you think that She knows. Did she say something? Are you acting differently around her since we have been seeing each other? How do you know? And what happens now. What do you want to do? The way I see it, you have several options:
-
Keep on keeping on. Do what you've been doing. Keep seeing me when you want to. Of course, if you think she knows, this may make you too nervous to really enjoy it. How important is "us" to you?
-
Tell her about it and see what happens. This of course is the equivalent of choosing me over your marriage and I will NOT ask you to make that choice. As you told me, that would have to be YOUR decision
-
We could just quit seeing each other for awhile, until things calm down and then get back together. I have to tell you this would be extremely hard for me to do. To just hang around on the chance that MAYBE you'll call me sometime would make me a bitter, nervous wreck.
-
We could just call it quits, break up, good-bye, it was good while it lasted, maybe we'll see each other in the mall sometime, have a nice life.
What ever you decide to do, there is NOTHING I can do about it. YOU ARE COMPLETELY IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION. All I can do is listen to your decision and live with it somehow. As a controlling kind of person I find this very frustrating.
David, I LOVE YOU. I really do. Whatever your feelings are or have been for me, I honestly love you. You are the best thing that's happened in my life. I want to be with you forever. I had envisioned us, one day, living together in our own place, happy and very much in love. I don't know what you thought our future would be, but that's what I hoped for. Maybe I was fooling myself.
I am so afraid that I'm going to lose you. I have that fear all of the time, but never more so than now. If you're going to break up with me, you will have to do it face-to-face. I WILL NOT do it over the phone. If you are going to tear my heart out, then please respect me enough to do it in person. I deserve that.
If she knows, then you HAVE to hurt somebody. It's a case of leave her, leave me or live in constant turmoil trying to be everything to everybody, and that hurts you. I didn't write this to make you feel guilty, or make things harder for you. I just want you to know that I love you.
Whatever happens for you, that won't change. If I have to go away, I will be very upset, but if that's the way you want it, what else can I do?
I HAVE TO SEE YOU IN PERSON ABOUT THIS!! I hate to be a pain, but I INSIST on this. Please pick a convenient time for us to meet.
I will love you forever. You KNOW it's true,
Ben
While I waited for David's call, I was going absolutely crazy. I guess I knew in my heart what he was going to say. I wrote another letter to him, knowing that he wouldn't get it, but I needed to vent my panic, my fears...
Hello David,
I am sitting here waiting for you to call me. It's about 5:30 on Tuesday evening. I have had so many things going through my mind. I wish I could see you and talk to you. I wrote you a letter today and was going to leave it for you, but I talked to Bob and he told me to calm down, wait and see, talk to him. I'm trying not to panic, but I don't know what this is all about.
What did your wife say to you? Why do you think she knows? What do you want to do? Should we be more careful? Should we meet somewhere else? I don't know what you're going to tell me and it scares me to death.
I guess you're pretty upset, too. I can only imagine what I would be going through if my wife started asking me questions. Although, To tell you the truth (I always try to with you) , I kind of wish she would. I have come so close to telling her so many times lately. I want to be with just you so badly that I want to tell her all about us. That I love you, that you love me. Sometimes I am so ready to just leave it all behind and sort it all out later. As long as I could be with you, I would be alright. Everybody would get over it sooner or later.
I don't suppose any of this is terribly helpful to you right now. How can I help? What can I do to make things easier for you. You know that I love you and would do anything for you. I don't want to see you hurt. I can't stand that. You've been hurt to much already.
Don't forget that I love you. I always will, no matter what. I'm still waiting for your call....Ben
And then it happened, on Wednesday morning. A day that usually found me in David's arms. He called me and I took the call in an empty office so I could talk with him. He told me we could not meet at his house anymore. Further that we could not see each other anymore.
He was crying, and I was crying, and I desperately asked him if he WANTED to see me again. He said yes but that he couldn't.
I asked him to meet me one last time to hold him and kiss him good-bye. He refused and told me he was sorry that he hurt me. He asked me not to call him or come by anymore and I tearfully agreed.
My last words were I love you. He said he loved me, too, then hung up. I don't know how long I cried, but I couldn't leave the empty office until I got it out. I had a meeting with a client that day and he asked me if I was alright. I told him it was a personal thing and he tried to comfort me with kind words of encouragement.
The next day I wrote David a long letter and sent it to the optometrists address:
Hello David,
You probably don't want to read this at work, unless you do it on your lunch break. As you can tell, it's kind of long. I promised not to call you or come see you, but I didn't promise that I wouldn't write to you. I had to send this to your work, I hope you don't mind.
I had to write this for a couple of reasons. I want you to know that you and I haven't burned any bridges between us. I still love you and want to be with you. I know that isn't possible right now. I heard what you said to me and I know what you feel. I cannot honestly say that I know exactly what you are going through at home. I haven't been through it so I can't know.
I know that your marriage is very important to you. I know that you love your wife. I wouldn't change that if I could. It is because you are a good and decent person that I love you so much. I know that you are scared to death of that she will end your marriage. I know you need for me to back off and let you take care of this situation. I am doing just that. Take whatever time you need.
I also know some other things about you. I know that you love me. I know that you want to be with me. I know that you are attracted, sexually to men. I know that I am important to you. I know you feel guilt about that.
I know what it is like to be married and love your wife, but not sexually attracted to her. I know what it is like to have to pretend, and make it all look "normal. I know what it's like to live a double life. I know what it's like to try to deny it or ignore it, or hope it goes away. I also know that it DOESN'T.
I was 30 years old when I first made love to a man. I was with him about 6 times in an 18 month period. After he transferred out of the area, I wasn't with another guy for nearly eight years, but the "feelings" never went away. I continued going to "adult bookstores" and watching gay films, reading gay literature, fantasizing about being with a man. I don't know why the feelings are there. God knows, literally, that I have tried to rid myself of them.
I suppressed them to the point that I lost all of my sexual feelings for ANYBODY. I denied them, but you can't fool yourself forever. I've even been to a Christian psychologist to try to get "cured". I didn't happen. I was, more or less, told that I was just a burden that I had to live with. I got to the point that I got too tired to push it down, put it behind me.
I know, as a Christian, that what I am feeling is wrong, according to the Bible. I also know that when I am with you, it feels so natural and beautiful and RIGHT. It is beautiful, and it is love. I struggle with this every day. EVERY DAY!! I was even feeling guilty about being with you, a brother in Christ, engaging in acts that the Bible clearly states are not right. Yet, I am compelled. It has even effected my prayer life. I feel that I can't ask or expect God's blessings when I am doing something that I am told is against Him.
Why, then am I still being blessed? Why did He let me find you? Why was I brought together with you? How did I deserve the love of somebody so sweet, so beautiful, so good? I do have some ideas on this.
David, when you answered my ad, I was at a very bad place in my life. I told you that I didn't like the person Ben had become. I was reckless and uncaring and living for the physical gratification. I didn't experience love at all. In some cases, there was friendship. I have always been a caring and generous lover. I think you may have gotten a glimpse of that when I sent you the message I got from Perry.
But there were SO MANY men. Some were good guys. And I was hurt when I couldn't see them again, but you know what? None of them loved me. Some liked the way I performed in bed, but they didn't LOVE ME. You do.
David, please consider a few things. I don't want this to be a complete and total ending of our relationship. I don't want it to be an "all or nothing" situation for us. I love you, I really do and I know that you love me. We want to be together. We NEED to be together. You never told me that you didn't want to be with me. I think it is really a case of you fixing things at home. It does mean a change for you and me, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE END.
If you truly love me, if you truly want me, if I am truly as important to you as you say I am, then, sometime, somehow, we can make it work. I know that meeting at your place is not an option, but there are so many other possibilities. Maybe not right now, but please consider it. I don't want you to leave your wife, or jeopardize your relationship there. Take the time to do whatever needs to be done. When things are better, and they will be, find me. I'll be here.
Please don't feel that you have hurt me too badly for me to want to be with you. The truth is that I hurt myself, and I want to be with you in any way that I can. Don't let pride or fear keep you from being truly loved by somebody. I think we both overreacted to this and I don't want to lose what I know is a very good thing with you.
You never told me that you thought that what we were doing was wrong or that you felt bad about doing it, you just didn't want your wife to find out. Fine I don't want her to find out either. I don't want my wife to find out either. They don't have to. I've been seeing guys for two years and she hasn't found out anything yet. I've even had guys in my home, when she was out of town. I have thought about telling her, but it was only because of what we have, our love.
I have to ask myself what I am really trying to hold onto at home. I don't want to have sex with my wife, and I don't see that changing. I am not happy with a lot of things at home. I don't like to have to work a full-time job and then having to come home and cook or clean. Is it unconditional love? No, not really. She did leave once before. I guess it's just the fact that I feel obligated to her. I do love her, but it's not the same as it was.
With you there is so much more. There is laughter, there is love, there is happiness. I have heard comments and gotten other indications that you are experiencing some of the same unhappiness and frustrations at home. I understand and can sympathize with you. I don't think either of us wants to hurt our wife. I don't think that's what this is all about. I also don't think that either of us has a particularly happy marriage. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault. That's just the way it is.
Again, I'm not encouraging you to leave your wife. All I'm saying is, it's really not me or my presence in your life that is causing you to have problems. You have had feelings for another guy and even left her for him. You will most likely have feelings like this again. I just don't it want to be for somebody else. I want it to be me, the one who really loves you.
It's taken me awhile, but I finally figured out that it wasn't really Howard that I was jealous of, rather, it was the feelings that you had for him, strong enough to leave, that I really want. I believe that you love me, but just not enough.
That is perhaps unfair, and I apologize if I hurt your feelings. The truth is (there's that ugly "T" word again) I don't know, right now, if I could do it for you. I'd like to think so. I certainly want to be yours, exclusively, for the rest of my life. I want to live in a big house with you, that you decorated, with a piano, and your flower arrangements, and a big, warm fireplace. David do we really have to go our separate ways? I know where that will take me back to where I was.
Since I've met you, and we have loved, I can feel myself becoming a better person. I want to be the best person I can. But I want to do it for you. For the first time in a long time I had a vision of the future. I actually cared about how I looked, if I was healthy, how I behaved and the consequences of my actions. I wanted to be more careful because I didn't want to take the chance of losing you.
I could probably understand the need for you to be away from me if there was another guy, or if I had done something to make you unhappy with me. I don't think that's the case. I think what you are telling me is that you CAN"T see me because you don't want to run the risk of getting caught. So, let's figure out a way to minimize the risk with out killing "us".
You will have you license back in a couple of weeks. You can go anywhere you want to. I could meet you in any number of places. We could get a motel room. I'll put it on MY credit card. (I've done it before).
You said you didn't see how you could meet me again. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT. You have your training in Columbia. I'm dying to go with you. We wanted to spend the night together. Do you not want that anymore?
I'm going to quit for now, but PLEASE, if you ever really cared for me, take some time and give this some thought. I'll be good, I won't call your house, I won't call your work, I'll wait for you to call me, I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU REQUIRE OF ME, just don't cut me out of your life. If it's just friends, you draw the boundaries and I'll do my best to stay inside of them. I just don't want to lose you forever.
Take some time and REALLY think about this. Do you REALLY LOVE ME? Get it straightened out at home, then find me, David, PLEASE FIND ME!! Prince Charming has still got his broom. If you don't want me anymore, who'll call me "Butthole"?
I know this isn't fair, but since you are in control of this whole thing, I HAVE to do whatever I can to plead my case to you. Please consider what I have said and let me know one way or the other. My arms and my heart will be open to you, you know it, never doubt it.
I honestly do love you,
Ben