What you are about to read is fiction. This means that is did not really happen. The characters portrayed are imaginary. Any resemblance to anyone living, dead, or otherwise is entirely wishful thinking on your part. This story involves love and physical intimacy between young men. You might want to keep that in mind if that's something you wouldn't want to read, or if you're not old enough to legally read it. Please do not redistribute this story. You may repost it to the original newsgroups if you wish, provided this header remains intact. If you'd like to post it anywhere else, or do anything else with it, please contact me first. If you have any comments or constructive criticisms, you may email me at inkstain@earthlink.net
Dark Angel By Savoir-Faire
For Uriel
I leaned back in my chair, letting my head fall back over the top, breathing heavily and smiling. Splatters of semen were cooling on my chest and belly and, in my right hand, my cock was starting to soften.
After a moment, I reached up with my left hand and typed "That was good. You?" Somewhere far away, someone who claimed to be an 18 year old swimmer typed back "God, you're good." We exchanged a few more quick pleasantries, but really we were both done and wanted to get away as quickly as we could.
After shutting down, I stood and walked to the window of my 5th floor shoe box apartment. Yeah, I was naked, but it was night and the lights were off, so no one was going to see me. The congealing semen on my body began to succumb to gravity, and it felt kind of gross, so I grabbed my t-shirt from the floor and wiped it off.
Outside the window was the city of my birth. I'd just moved back about three weeks ago. When I was 7 my family moved to this tiny no-name town a few hours north of here. It was wholesome and safe and I hated it. There was nothing to do there. No life there. No one my age to play with, or talk to. Just old folks who worshipped the art of fishing. Growing up is tough enough. Growing up in a small town is tougher. Growing up gay in a small town is enough to finish you off.
The computer probably saved my life. We got it when I was 14, which was when I was struggling to accept that I might be gay. There was no one in town I could talk to, no one who would understand. They'd just tell me I was confused, as if that was the answer. I already knew I was confused, so I didn't need the David Lynch cast of that damn town to condescend to me. I needed answers. I needed understanding and acceptance. So I turned to the internet.
At first it was just something to do. I didn't understand how it worked, and no one here could help me, big surprise, so I struggled up the learning curve, and in a couple of months I could do anything and go anywhere. I quickly became addicted to IRC. I met people here who could help me, who accepted me, and for the first time in my life I felt that I belonged somewhere.
Then, a few days after my fifteenth birthday, someone asked the question: "Wanna cyber?" I had no idea what he meant, but I didn't want to seem ignorant - the vanity of youth - so I said yes. It was an interesting night, to be sure. I learned of a few activities that I had not thought possible, and that night I had three of the best orgasms I'd had up til that point. By the time I was 16 I could type better with one hand than I could with two.
But virtual sex only goes so far. After a while, the excitement goes away, and you realize that no matter what the other guy types, it's still your hand. There's no real connection, nothing even as simple as a touch, a smile. Now, I was never a very happy person, but between 16 and 18 I became totally withdrawn and miserable.
The day after my 18th birthday, I bid my parents goodbye, and I moved myself back to Denver. I stayed with one of my online friends for a few days. That was a disappointment. He was not exactly who he had said he was. Not even close really. It was really creepy, staying there. I know he wanted to do me, but I just couldn't. He was gross.
I found a job, not much of one, and I got my own cheap shoe box apartment. The job was nothing. Worse than nothing. I was a night clerk at the 7-11, underpaid and tempting fate, but it paid the rent, the phone bill, and got me food. I was also lucky enough to have a neighbor who'd buy me liquor. So, I had my computer, food, drink, and shelter. What more did I need?
But, that night, standing naked at the window, looking out at the lights and cars and people living their lives, I felt something I could not explain. I was excited, but deeply depressed. I was back home, but what had it got me? I was still holed up in a tiny room jacking off in front of a monitor.
My alarm went off. I had a tendency to get caught up in the net and lose track of time, so I always made sure to set my alarm so I knew when I had to get ready for work. A quick shower and I was out the door and walking to work. It was only about half a mile away, but it was bitter cold. I really needed to get a hair dryer.
A little while later, I was at work, sitting on a stool behind the counter, wondering if this was the night I'd be held up and maybe killed. It was a testament to my mental state that the idea of being held up or maybe killed didn't bother me all that much.
Business was light. After three hours I could still count on my fingers the number of customers I'd had to put up with. Around 2:00am it began to snow lightly. The flakes were large, and kind of pretty as they danced through the glow of the streetlights before melting on the ground. As I watched them, I was startled out of my skin by someone clearing his throat. I hadn't heard anyone come in. He was standing at the counter, two bottles of Pennzoil and a National Inquirer in front of him. I looked up to deliver my mechanical cheerful greeting, but the words died in my throat.
He was about my height, maybe a bit taller, and about my age. His shoulder length blond hair fell loosely around his face, which was pale and gaunt, and his pale blue eyes burned like ice. He was wearing a battered gray trench coat. I cursed my shaking hand as I rang up his sale. With a long fingered hand, he handed me two fives. His fingers brushed my hand, the same one I jacked off with, and I felt an almost electric shock. I managed to hand him his change without dropping any of it, and he smiled ever so slightly at me, and left. I watched though the windows as he walked through the snow and out of the light. Neither of us had said a word.
Somehow his face faded quickly from my memory, though his eyes stayed with me. As the hours passed, I could see his eyes still in my mind, like a bright flash burned into my retinas.
About half an hour before quitting time, this guy came in. He went to the cooler and got a 2-liter of Sprite, then came to the counter. He was kind of cute, a bit older than me, really short hair. He smiled as he approached, saying "Hey."
"Need anything else?" I asked, like the good employee.
"Yeah." He pointed to the rack behind me. "Marlboro lights, please."
I turned to the rack and got his cigarettes, and when I turned back there was a gun in my face. He was still smiling. "Now, just play nice and this will all be over soon."
Like they taught me, I looked down at the counter and kept my hands where he could see them. "What do you want?"
"Good boy. First, put all the money in the register in a bag. And a few of those beef jerky sticks. I like those." I complied, quickly, then set the bag in front of him. "Excellent. They've trained you well. Now, the money in the safe."
I started to look up, caught myself and looked back down. "I can't open the safe." My voice was shaking. Hell, my hands were shaking. I was one finger twitch from death. "I don't have the combination."
His smile vanished, and he came around the counter. "I said open the safe." He stuck the gun right up against my neck.
I backed against the counter. "I'm sorry. I can't. I really can't. I don't know the combination." I was sounding desperate, I was on the verge of tears.
"Turn around," he snarled.
"Please don't kill me."
"I said turn the fuck around."
I turned slowly, my control broke and I started sobbing. "I'm sorry. I don't have the combination." Then the stars exploded in my eyes.
"Yuri!" That word echoed hollowly in my head. I vaguely recognized it as my name.
"Yuri! Fuck, call 911!" The words hurt. My head throbbed.
"Yuri? Please wake up?" A cold hand touched my face. It felt good.
"Don't move him!" another voice said. "You might hurt him." The hand left my face.
I groaned something even I couldn't understand and tried to reach for the hand.
"Yuri? Are you okay?" My hand encountered something, a leg, I think, and then someone's hand took mine.
"I don't want to die," I mumbled. My head hurt so much.
"You're not going to die. The ambulance is coming." The hand closed tightly on mine.
"Don't leave me." I still couldn't open my eyes.
"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Damn it, Mike, where's that fucking ambulance?"
I heard the door tone, then the other voice said "I think I hear it. How is he?"
"He's bleeding."
There were a few moments of silence, then I started to hear the siren. Then there was a commotion and a lot of people were around me. They put me on a stretcher, and the hand released mine. "No!" I yelled, "Don't leave me."
"You're going to be fine, son. What's his name?" That voice was older, more controlled.
"Yuri." That was the first voice. I reached for it.
"Yuri," said the new voice, "My name is Howard. You're safe now. We're taking you to the hospital." And with that they took me out and loaded me onto the ambulance. On the way they asked me questions. What's my name? Yuri Gregson. Who should we contact? No one. I don't have anyone. Are you allergic to anything... It seemed to go on, and after a while I though maybe they were just trying to keep me talking.
I was wheeled into the hospital, and I don't really know much of what happened from there. But eventually I was in a bed, and everything was clear. My head still hurt, and there was a large lump on it, but otherwise I was fine. Then the police showed up. They asked me what happened, what I remembered, and finally they went away.
Finally I was alone. I desperately wanted to sleep. I began to close my eyes, and then I heard the door swing open.
"Yuri?" The voice was quiet, tentative. I opened my eyes. One of my co-workers, my morning relief, was leaning into the room.
"Troy," I said. "Come in."
He walked in and sat in the chair by the bed. "You okay?"
I laughed. "Sort of. My head feels like someone drove a spike through it, but I'm okay. Was that you this morning?"
"Yeah. You scared the hell out of us. I thought you were dead." He took my hand. "I'm glad you're still with us, guy." I'd always found Troy attractive, but before he seemed like such an asshole. This was a side of him I hadn't seen before.
"You better watch it, Troy. I might start to think you care."
He laughed. "Well, we all have our weak spots." He let my hand go. "Look, I gotta go. I get your shift tonight. Lucky me. They're doubling us up for a few days. They want us to think that they care. I'll come back, though. If you want."
"Yeah, do. Watch out though. The guy seemed cool when he came in."
"Didn't they tell you?"
"What?"
"They found him behind the store. He was dead. All torn up."
"What?"
"Yeah. His fingerprints on the safe, your blood on his gun. It was him all right. They said it looked like a lion got him or something."
"Shit. Do they know what happened?"
"They didn't say. Kinda freaky though. I'm glad I'm not gonna be alone tonight."
"You're gonna be late."
"Yeah, I better go. I'll come see you tomorrow."
"All right. I hope I won't be here."
He stopped just before he left, and said "Are you going to quit?"
"I can't. I need the money. I hope they don't fire me."
"They better not. Bastards." He left.
I fell asleep shortly, thinking of Troy. He wasn't gay, but he was damn attractive. I wouldn't mind losing my virginity to him.
I startled awake at about 3:00am. Everything was quiet. I looked around the room, but I was alone. The other bed was still unoccupied.
"Hello Yuri" said a smooth, tenor voice. My heart stopped for a second. There was motion by the window, and a tall figure stepped out of the shadows. I recognized him as soon as he stepped into the dim moonlight. His ice blue eyes gave him away. "How are you feeling?" There was something at once both comforting and eerie about his voice.
"I--I'm fine."
"I'm sorry I didn't notice earlier. I didn't see anything strange until he ran out. I caught him though."
"Who are you?"
"Charles Stuart. Charles the Third, my mother called me."
"How did you know my name?"
"I know much about you." He sat sideways on the edge of the bed. Slowly he ran a finger along the side of my head. It tingled. His finger reached the lump. "I didn't know he did this to you. I would have made him suffer." He put his other hand on the other side of my head, and leaned down and lightly kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry I failed you. I won't let anyone hurt you again." He sounded contrite, and comforting.
I looked at him, uncomprehending. "What the hell are you talking about?"
He smiled his enigmatic smile and said "Your future." Then he walked back to the window and vanished into the shadows.
"Charles?" No answer. "Charles?" Still no answer. I got out of bed and walked over there. He was nowhere to be seen. I looked out the window. It was three floors above ground.
I must have been dreaming. I went back to the bed and was asleep shortly.
In the morning a doctor came in and checked my stitches. He told me I looked fine, that there was no sign of a concussion, and I was free to go. Of course, on the way out I had to sign a lot of things, but the lawyer from 7-11 was there to help me, and I soon was a free man. I went first to the 7-11 to check the schedule. They didn't have me on for the whole week. I talked to my boss about this, and he promised to get me working next week, but he couldn't change this week's schedule.
Fuck. How was I gonna pay rent?
I picked up a paper and went home. I spent the afternoon working though the help wanteds, but there was nothing for me. Everything needed experience, or paid too little or required reliable transportation (and the bus didn't count). I gave up a bit after sundown. I was trapped. I was starting to consider breaking down and calling my parents, but I couldn't even do that. I didn't have long distance.
I turned on the computer and opened the fridge. I had enough food to last two or three days. Four if I was careful. As I was trying to decide between peanut butter and honey or baloney, there was a scraping at the door. I opened it. There was no one there. A plaintive yowl came from below, and I looked down. Sitting there, looking up at me, was a thin black cat. I kneeled down and scratched it on the head and it started to purr.
"You lost, guy?"
"Meow."
"You hungry?"
"Purr."
I picked it up and brought it inside. I didn't know what cats ate. My parents always had dogs. I put out a slice of baloney, and it seemed happy with that, so I made myself a baloney sandwich and ate with it. When it was finished, it climbed up on my mattress, stretched out, and started grooming itself. I smiled at it. Then it yawned and went to sleep.
I watched it for a few minutes. I envied it the way it could be relaxed and asleep so fast. It always took me forever to get to sleep. I had too much to worry about.
Once the cat was asleep, I turned back to the computer. I signed on to my ISP and launched the IRC client. Within moments I'd located one of my friends, and shed my clothes. Just when things were starting to heat up, someone behind me said "Why do you do this?" My heart jumped up into my throat, and I turned quickly, almost falling out of the chair. Charles was stretched out on my bed.
"What the fuck...?"
"Pleased to see you too."
"Where did you... How did you get in?" I got out of the chair, holding a hand in front of my groin, and reached for my boxers.
Charles stood. "You let me in. Hell, you carried me in."
"What? No! I didn't. How did you get in? What the fuck do you want?"
"I was a bit lighter when you carried me in. Thank you for the baloney."
I looked past him. The cat was gone. My voice was starting to shake. "What do you want? I don't have anything."
He walked toward me. I backed up, but hit the wall. I held the boxers in front of me, as if they could protect me. "You have more than you know. I know you don't have much food, but you fed a poor stray cat. Maybe you felt some kinship? I like you, Yuri. You're a good person. But this..." He gestured to the computer, where my erstwhile partner was asking if I was still there. "You're better than this." He was standing right in front of me. I was shaking like a leaf.
"Please don't hurt me."
"Never." He reached up and brushed my hair from my face. His finger never quite contacted my skin, though I could feel his touch. "Beautiful," he whispered.
"Who are you?"
"I told you. My name is Charles."
"Yeah, but who are you Charles?"
"Oh, that. You're not ready for that." He put a hand up to my cheek. It hovered there perhaps a millimeter above my skin, not touching, but touching still. It felt cool, and somehow more alive than any other touch I'd ever felt. He smiled at me. "Come to the window." He reached for my hand, almost but not quite taking it, and pulled me across the room.
Still shaking, I dropped the boxers and stood naked at the window. He stood behind me. I felt his cool hand almost but not quite touch my back. It moved down to my waist, then up my spine. He leaned in close and whispered "What do you see?"
"I, uh, I see the bus stop. Burger King. What should I see?"
His hands were above my shoulders now. "Close your eyes." I did. "What do you see now? Don't answer until you see something. Look beyond what your eyes show you. What do you see?"
"I don't know what you're asking. I'm afraid."
He put his arms around me, one hand across my eyes, one hand on my chest, and he pulled me tightly against him. His lips were right at my ear, and he whispered savagely "Look. Look with your mind. Look at yourself. Do it! What do you see?!"
I panicked, I tried to break free, but his grip was iron. "I see nothing," I gasped out. "No one." He released me, and I fell to the floor, quivering.
He knelt beside me and took my chin in his hand, turning my head toward him. He looked at me with pity in his eyes and said "This is what will change." He pulled me up and folded me in his arms. I was past fear. This was unreal, and my mind had just given up.
"What are you?" I said quietly.
"Not until you're ready."
"But..."
"No," he said more forcefully, "Not now." He looked into my eyes. "Soon. When you're ready."
"I don't know what to think, Charles. I don't know if I should be afraid of you, or what? I..."
He put a finger on my lips. "Hush. You have no need to be afraid of me. I've been watching you for a long time. You can be so much more than you are." He took his finger away and kissed me. When his lips touched mine, I felt a shock, a current, something I really can't describe. I could feel all the tiny hairs on my body stand up. The kiss went on. It was my first real kiss, and it was so much more than I would have thought. My whole body responded to him. I had goose bumps. When the kiss ended, I gasped.
"That was... That was..."
He smiled. "You're more than you think you are," he gently pushed me to the bed. "Get some sleep. Do something special for yourself tomorrow." I laid down on the bed, and he stretched out next to me. "Sleep now," he said, his voice hypnotic, and I slept.
I woke up alone. The sun was shining through the open curtains. There was no sign that Charles had ever been there. I looked around the room, looking for a sign, a clue, anything, but there was nothing. Was I dreaming him? That made sense, I suppose. Either that or I was going crazy. I mean, cats just don't turn into people. I laughed. Must be the lump on my head. Maybe I did have a concussion or something. No Charles, no cat, I was just fucked up in the head. I sat up, and swung my feet onto the floor. I sat with my head in my hands for a moment, wondering if I should be laughing or worried. I settled for hungry, and got up. I took one step and my foot landed on something cold and slimy. I looked. It was a mostly eaten piece of baloney.
I don't know how long I looked at the baloney while my mind struggled to adjust. There had been a cat. Okay, there was a cat, but there could not have been a Charles. Could there? I picked up the baloney and dropped it into the sink. There was a knock at the door.
"Charles?" I said, and ran across the room. I opened the door. It was Troy.
"Hey, Yuri, I... Um... Guy? You're naked." He was trying hard not to laugh.
I looked down. "Shit! Just a minute." I closed the door and quickly threw some boxers on. I opened the door, my face red. "Come in." Troy walked in, looking at anything except me.
"Um, nice place..." then he lost control and burst out laughing. After a moment, I started laughing too. We laughed for a couple of minutes, then calmed down. "I can't believe that. You answered the door naked."
"Yeah, well, it was a weird night."
"What, where you expecting one of your boyfriends?"
"No, all of them."
He looked at me, sort of seriously and said "Do you have a boyfriend?" I shook my head. "That's too bad. A guy like you -- you should have someone."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Well, anyway, it's like this. We, the guys at the store and I, we know you're not working this week, and we know you're kinda broke, so we took a collection."
"Oh, no, you didn't. I can't take that."
"Yes, you can. Look, it's not much, and you can pay us back if you want, but you need it, and you're going to take it."
"Look, I really appreciate it, but..."
"No 'but.' You're taking it. It's decided."
"Thanks," I said quietly, a little bit ashamed.
"Good. Now, get dressed. I'm gonna buy you breakfast." I must have looked like I was about to object, because he said "Shut up and let me do something nice. If it helps, it's gonna be cheap. Like McDonalds or something."
I turned to get some clothes, then turned back, walked up to him and hugged him. "Thank you." After a moment, he returned the hug. His hands on my back were warm, and sent a thrill up my spine. As we separated, I quickly kissed his cheek. I pulled on my jeans and a shirt, and as I sat down to put on my shoes and socks I noticed he was blushing. "You okay?"
"Uh, yeah. It's just, I've never been kissed by a guy before."
"Sorry."
"It's all right. I just wasn't expecting it. You, uh, you ready?"
"Yeah."
We ended up at Denny's. He bought me breakfast and we talked, mostly about him. Troy was 19. He was a high school graduate and was planning on attending college, but was taking a year off. Then we talked about me. Eighteen and a high school dropout. He urged me to go back to school, or to at least work on a GED, and by the time we left Denny's he had me thinking it was a pretty good idea.
We spent the day together. We went to the mall where I helped him pick out some shirts. We saw a movie: Armaggedon. It was at the dollar theatre. When the day was over, we ended up at his place. It was actually his parents' place, but he had the whole basement. His parents were really nice, and they made me stay for dinner. After we'd eaten, we went downstairs.
"Sorry about that, guy," said Troy as he turned on the television.
"About what?" I was confused.
"My folks. They're kinda nosy."
"Huh? Are they? I though they were nice."
"They're okay, I guess. What happened to your folks?"
"What happened to them?"
"Yeah. You told the ambulance guy you didn't have anyone."
"Oh, that. My parents are fine. They live in Wellington. I'm through with them, though."
"Did you run away?"
"No, I just decided it was time for me to be on my own."
"Oh." He walked to a small refrigerator and said "Beer?"
"Sure." He drank beer? Lightweight.
We sat on his couch and watched TV and talked and drank. A few hours passed.
"Hey guy?" he said.
I looked over at him. He was smiling kinda stupidly. "Hmm?"
"I think you're gonna have to stay here tonight. I don't think I can drive." His speech was a bit slurred. He wasn't like, stinking drunk, but he was definitely impaired. I was still almost clear headed.
"Okay." They say alcohol impairs your judgment. "You're a really good guy, Troy." I scooted next to him and put my arm around his shoulder. "Thank you for today."
"No problem. I always thought you were a stuck up asshole. But you're just quiet."
I let my head fall on his shoulder. He put his arm around me. We sat like that, watching TV for a while. After a while, emboldened by the beer, I turned my head up and kissed his neck. He giggled nervously. I reached up with my free hand, and turned his head toward me and kissed him on the lips. He didn't kiss back, but he didn't push me away either. I pulled back. "Do you want me to stop?"
He looked at me, and I could tell he was torn. "I don't think so. How far are you wanting to go with this?"
I shook my head. "I don't know."
"Okay. I'll, uh, I'll tell you when you go to far."
I smiled, and then kissed him again. This time he kissed back.
I woke up. Before I opened my eyes I knew something wasn't right. Then I remembered, and I smiled. I was in Troy's bed. I opened my eyes. He was next to me, head propped up on his arm, looking at me.
"Good morning," he said.
"Hi," I said, shyly.
"Just now, when you smiled, what were you thinking?"
"Nothing. I just remembered where I was."
He looked serious for a moment. "You, uh, you won't, like, tell anyone, will you?"
"No, of course not."
He looked relieved. "Thanks. I feel kind of weird about this. I mean, that was maybe the best blowjob I've ever had, but you're a, you know, a guy."
"You mean it? It was good?"
"Yeah, it was great."
"That was the first time I ever gave one."
"No way."
"Yeah, it was."
"How did you know what to do? I mean, you really knew what to do."
"Well, I guess I've read about it enough times."
"Read about it?"
"Yeah, um, you know, cybersex."
"Oh. Well, all I can say is you must have been paying attention."
"You want me to do it again?"
"No. Well, not now, anyway. I don't want my parents to catch us."
"Oh. Okay."
He reached over and touched my cheek, then ran his finger along my jaw line. "Where do you get a name like Yuri anyway? It's pretty unusual."
"They were going to name me Chip. That's my father's name."
"What changed their minds?"
"Yuri was my grandfather's name. My mother's father. His father came over from Russia a long time ago. But, he died two days before I was born, so my mother wanted to give me his name. When my mother really wants something, it's best to let her have it."
"Sounds like my mother." He yawned and looked at his clock. "I'm going to take a shower. You can have one when I'm done, if you want." He got out of bed. He was naked. At first I tried not to stare, but then I figured that with what we'd done the night before, it was okay to stare. He took some clothes from his closet and started to head toward the bathroom. Just before he got there, he turned. "Um, I do, uh, I do want to do it again. If you do. I mean, it's weird, but I liked it, and I like you and it felt good that it was you doing it. If you want, we could, um, maybe try other things too."
"You mean it?"
"Yeah. I do. I don't know why, I mean, I'm not gay or anything, I don't think, but... I don't know. There's just something about you."
"I'm irresistible, huh?"
"Yeah," he smiled, "that must be it. Get real." He went onto the bathroom and soon I heard the water running. I laid back in the bed and tried to put things in perspective. I didn't know if I felt any different. The night before, I had given a straight boy a blowjob. I had tasted his cock, his come, and I had loved it. Why didn't I feel different? A darkness settled on me. Would it last? Was it just a phase, an experiment for him? Troy was straight. He would get tired of me and that would be the end. Was it possible I was in love with him? After two days? It couldn't be, but I felt so empty at the idea that he'd get tired of me.
"Your turn."
I looked up. Troy was standing, dripping wet, towel around is waist, in the door. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom. Standing in the shower, I let the warm water run down my body. I put my head in the stream and my hair quickly matted against my skull and neck. I didn't know what to think. I wiped the water from my face. I looked up into the stream. What should I do? Should I get out before he broke my heart, or should I enjoy it while it lasted?
"Yuri?" He was in the bathroom. I peek out the curtain, he was sitting on the closed toilet lid.
"Um, yeah?"
"Can you help me figure this out?"
"What?"
"This. I mean, why is this happening? Why do I want this to happen?"
"You mean, uh, what we did last night?"
"Yeah. Us. You and me. I think last night happened because I was drunk and horny, but I'm sober now, so why do I want it to happen again? I never wanted a guy before."
"You want me?"
"Yeah, I think I do."
"You think?"
"Don't push me." A pause. "I want you as much as I wanted any chick I ever saw."
I turned off the water, but kept the curtain closed. "Do you, um, do you just want me, like sexually, or do you love me?"
He didn't answer for a couple of minutes. Then, "I just want you sexually. I like you, a lot, but I don't love you. I'm sorry."
The emptiness in my chest returned, and I leaned back on the wall, squeezing my eyes shut to prevent the tears from escaping. Then I pushed open the curtain. "Then you'd better get what you want now, because after I leave this house you won't get another chance." Acid fell from my words.
He looked at me, mouth half open like he wanted to say something. I stepped out of the shower and held out my hand to him.
"Come on," I said, nodding toward his bedroom. He took my hand, looking a little confused, and I towed him to the bed.
"Are you sure you want to?" he asked. "I don't want to just use you."
"You're not. I want this. I won't be your toy, but just this once, I want you."
Still hesitantly, he took me into his arms and kissed me. We slowly sat on the end of the bed, still kissing. I reached into the fly of his boxers and started jacking him off. He slowly lay back on the bed, and I followed him. He lay on his back, I on my side next to him. I released his cock and ran my hand over his chest. He looked at me, smiling wickedly, then lurched over at me. We wrestled for a moment, but I was no match for him. He pinned me on my back, looming over me. "What's it going to be?" he whispered, his face close to mine, his lips close to mine, but not touching. When I tried to kiss him, he pulled back, only to come close again when I stopped. "What's it going to be?" he said again.
"All the way," I said. "Fuck me."
"You sure? I mean, um, I'm not sure how. What do I do?"
"Ever fuck a girl?"
"Yeah."
"Same idea. Just a couple inches lower."
"I know that much. But is there anything else I should know?"
I shrugged. "I only know what I've read. And a lot of that is probably wrong. We'll work it out as we go."
He smiled. "All right. Let's do it then."
I sat on my bed, arms crossed and resting on the window sill. Outside it was snowing. It was late afternoon and the sun was going down.
I could still smell Troy, the sharp odor of sex and sweat. I could feel his hard body pressed against mine. I could feel him inside me, his relentless and repeated assault. I could hear his grunts and moans in my ear. I could remember with perfect clarity the feeling of oneness and total fulfillment when he brought me to orgasm, and the spreading warmth inside me when he had his a moment later. But it was what came next that haunted my memory most, laying beside him, flesh pressed to flesh, arm in arm, a bittersweet feeling of oneness.
But mostly what I felt was emptiness. It was over. He didn't love me, and I didn't want to be his toy. The first big love of my life began one day and ended the next. This seemed to be the way my life went. Nothing good could last.
It's funny how sometimes a simple craving can override everything else. At that moment, I had a craving for chocolate, but I didn't have any. I retrieved my pants from the floor and emptied my pockets. Just enough for a Crunch bar. I got dressed and bundled up, and walked out into the cold, headed for the 7-11.
Not until I walked in the door did it occur to me that Troy might me there. Fortunately, he wasn't. I wasn't trying to avoid him or anything, it was just going to be uncomfortable the next time I saw him. Gina was working tonight. She was older, like 30, but she was really nice. We talked for a little while, and she "forgot" to charge me for the candy bar. Finally, I figured I should get home before it got too cold.
I took the short way home, down a few side streets and an alley. Turned out not to be such a good idea. When I was about halfway down the alley, I had the strongest feeling I was not alone. There was little light in the alley, and neither end close enough to run to quickly. My feeling was confirmed when someone stepped into the alley ahead of me. I turned to run back, but someone was there too. I turned back to the first one.
He casually sauntered toward me. "Kind of late, isn't it?"
"What do you want?"
"What do you got?"
His friend grabbed me from behind. I didn't struggle.
"I don't have anything." I was surprised how calm I was.
"You gotta have something." He looked to the guy behind me. "Check his pockets."
While the unseen hand was digging through my pockets, I saw something that didn't really make any sense. There was, I don't know, a lion, a leopard? Whatever it was, it was a large black cat, and it was loping up the alley towards us.
"Uh, Mack?" said the voice behind me.
"What?" Mack sounded annoyed.
"Fuck!" yelled the one behind me. He released me and I heard him running.
"Hey!" yelled Mack, but it was too late. The cat leaped and landed on his back, pushing him to the ground. I backed away, tripping over something and landing on my ass, watching in horrid fascination as Mack desperately fought his losing battle. It was over in seconds, and he lay silent in an expanding pool of blood. The cat regarded me, and I closed my eyes and prayed to a forgotten god that it would be quick.
I jumped when a hand touched my face. "Yuri?"
I opened my eyes. Charles was crouched before me.
"Are you hurt?" he asked. When I didn't say anything more a few moments, he repeated the question. "Are you hurt, Yuri?"
Finally I found my voice. "Um..."
"Let's get you home." He helped me to my feet and supported me on the walk home. Once in the apartment, he helped me out of my coat and guided me to the chair. He sat on the bed, looking at me, the strangest look on his face.
"Charles?" My voice was weak.
"Hmm?"
"Who are you?"
"Do you think you're ready?"
"No. But I need to know."
"All right." He leaned forward and fixed his gaze to mine. "Do you believe in vampires?"
I looked at him. He looked at me. Neither of us blinked. He smiled slightly, and before my eyes his canine teeth lengthened and sharpened, the returned to normal. I stared a moment longer, then said "Sure. Why not?" We stared at each other again, then a single tear fell from my left eye and ran down my face, only to stop at the corner of my mouth. In a very small voice, I said "What's happening to me?"
Charles got on his knees between my legs, and put his arms around my waist, holding his head against my chest. "Nothing. You've had a shock. Several shocks. Your mind is having a tough time dealing with it. Give it some time and you'll..." He stopped talking abruptly. He stayed like that a moment, then looked up into my face. "You've been with someone." His voice betrayed disbelief and hurt. He released me and slowly sat back on the floor. "You've been with someone." A tear formed in his eye, a tear of blood. He brushed it away, leaving a smear of red.
"Charles?"
"Who was he?"
"No one. How can..."
"No one!?" he interrupted. "No one? You gave your virginity to no one?" He turned away from me, his face in his hands.
Suddenly I was angry. "What's the big deal, Charles?! Huh? I mean, why do you care? It's my fucking life and it's my fucking virginity. I can give it to anyone I want."
Charles turned suddenly and fixed me in his gaze. "Did he love you?"
"No. It was just sex."
"So he used you."
"Yeah, he did, but you know what? I used him too. I used him as much as he used me."
In a single fluid motion, he stood, grabbed me and held me close, rage playing across his face. Then he pushed me away and walked across the room. "Why?!" he yelled. "Why?" he said more quietly, almost crying.
"Charles, why are you so upset about this? What's it to you?"
He was quiet for a moment. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this."
"What wasn't?"
"You were to be my salvation."
"What are you saying? I don't understand."
He turned and looked at me. "I didn't want this, this life, or non-life. Being a vampire is not what you'd think. I've done some terrible things. Terrible. I thought you'd be a way for me to make amends."
"You're really confusing me."
He sighed. "I thought that by keeping you safe, protecting you from the dangers of the night, in this way I could redeem myself, perhaps even forgive myself. I've been watching you for two years now. I've been hoping you'd realize how much better you are than you think. I've kept you safe from dangers you never dreamed of, but I never thought I'd fall in love with you."
"You're in love with me?"
"Yes, I am."
I walked over to him. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It's not something that would work."
"Why?"
"Look at me. What you see is what you get. Forever. I will never grow old. But if I were to act on my love, if I were to try and make a life with you, I'd have to watch you grow old and die, knowing that there was nothing I could do to prevent it."
"Do you really love me?"
"Yes, I do."
"Can you, um, can you, you know, make me... like you?"
"No. Don't even think that. That I will not do."
"But why not? The we could be together forever, and you wouldn't have to see me grow old."
He laughed an ironic laugh. "Forever is a long time, Yuri. Maybe it would work at first. Maybe you're not just feeling rejected right now, maybe you're not just willing to grab the first person who shows you any tenderness, and maybe we would last forty or fifty years, maybe even more, but eventually - and of this you can be certain - eventually we would grow tired of each other. Eventually we'd grow sick of each other. We would hate each other, and we would part. And then you'd be like I am now. Sad. Lonely. Searching for anything to give your existence meaning."
"So because you're afraid it won't work, you're not even going to try?"
"You still don't understand. If there was a way out, I'd be happy to give it a try. But there isn't. I can make you a vampire, but nothing, NOTHING would ever be able to make you human again."
"What good has being human done me?"
Charles was becoming visibly agitated. "You would be dead, Yuri. DEAD!"
"But I'd be with you. For the first time ever, I'd be with someone who loves me."
"NO!" he yelled. "NO!" He grabbed my shirt and pushed me against the wall. "You do not know what you're asking!"
"Maybe I don't!" I yelled back. "But I'm willing to take the chance! What are you afraid of, Charles?"
He smiled. "I'm not a child. You can't get to me like that."
"I love you." From the look on his face, that was the last thing he'd been expecting. "I love you, Charles, and I want to go with you, anywhere you go."
Neither of us said anything for at least two minutes, then he let go of my shirt. Our eyes stayed locked to each others. Finally he said "My world has no day. You would never see the sun again. Is that what you want?"
"If that's what it takes."
Ever so slowly he took me into his arms and held me tightly against him. His body shook as though he was crying. "I will come back tomorrow, and if you feel the same, I will do it. Please think about it carefully. Once it's done it can never be undone." There was a knock at the door. We both looked. After a moment it was repeated. "Yuri?"
"It's Troy," I said.
"Who is Troy?"
"He's... no one."
"No one?" There was a hint of anger in his voice. "Is he the no one who used you?"
"Don't do anything. It was my idea as much as his."
But it was too late. Charles was at the door in the blink of an eye. He opened it, and Troy had about half a second to look surprised before Charles grabbed him and sent him flying across the room. Two feet to the left and he would have gone through the window and fallen five stories, but he hit the wall and fell to the floor. He started to scramble up, but cried out in pain and collapsed. Charles closed the door and advanced on him, his fingers impossibly long and sharp.
I stepped in front of him. "Charles, no." He pushed me aside effortlessly and knelt next to Troy. "Charles, please," I said desperately.
He fondled Troy's face with his obscenely long fingers and said "If you have anything you want to say, do it now. In a moment you'll be dead." Troy's eyes went wide, and he struggled to suppress a sob. I grabbed my desk chair and swung it at Charles, but he shot out a hand and stopped it in mid swing. "Speak now," said Charles, "or forever hold your peace."
Troy looked at me, and I could see in his face that he knew he was about to die. "Yuri? I think I love you."
"What?" Charles and I said this almost simultaneously.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I couldn't. I was afraid." He looked up at Charles, and with defiance in his voice said "All right, do it. I'm not afraid of anything now."
Charles stood. His fingers returned to normal and he took a few steps back. I rushed in and knelt next to Troy.
"Where does it hurt? Do you need an ambulance?"
"What the hell is he, Yuri? What the hell is going on?"
"Later. Are you hurt?"
"I don't think so. Can you help me up?"
I did, and I took him to the bed. He slowly and painfully laid back.
"Did you mean it?" I asked. "What you said?"
"Yeah, I did. But look, I'm not gay, all right? I still like chicks. It's just that there's something about you. I don't understand it. You're the only guy that ever got me, you know, hard. I didn't mean to lie to you, but I didn't want to admit to myself that I could be in love with a guy."
"I love you too, Troy." I took his hand in mine and kissed it.
"So, um, do you want to, like, give it a try? You and me?"
"Yes." I smiled, but then I remembered, and the smile vanished. "Charles?" I couldn't look at him. "I'm sorry, Charles. I can't go with you." He didn't answer, and when I finally looked around, he was staring at me. "Charles?"
"Is this what you want? Is this what YOU want? Not what he wants, not what I want, not what you think you should do, what what you want."
I went to him and took him into my arms. "Yes. This is what I want. I'm sorry." I hugged him. He hugged back for just a second, then pushed me away.
"This is good," he said through a forced smile. "This is good."
"You're going to be all right?"
"Don't worry about me." He glanced over at Troy. "You'd better make sure he's all right."
"I do love you, Charles. I hope you know that."
"I know."
I turned back to Troy. "What do you think? Do you need to go to the hospital?"
"I don't know. I don't think anything is broken. Um, how about if I stay here tonight, and I'll decide that in the morning? Is that okay?"
"Yeah, that would be fine." I looked back. "Charles, could you...? Charles?" But he was gone. I looked back to Troy. "Let's get you into bed."
I helped him out of his clothes, and under the covers. Then I turned off the light and got out my my clothes. I crawled into bed next to him. He put his arm around me, I rested my head on his chest, and soon we were both asleep.
I woke up three times that night, thinking I'd heard something. Each time I'd softly call out "Charles?" but there was no answer.
I don't know for certain if I ever saw Charles again. I think I did, because every so often I would see a dark figure standing in the shadows, or a black cat watching me with more than catlike intensity. I never felt threatened by these apparitions, and when I would try to go to them, they'd be gone before I got there. But I was sure it was Charles. He'd vowed to keep me safe, and I knew he always would.