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I moved in with Jeremy after what we considered a respectful time of mourning, even though nobody would know about us living together, except Jules. He obviously needed to share quite some time with us and we welcomed him with open arms. He was a good man. We had to learn to know him. The few things we knew through Claire, were not enough to know him really and fortunately he spent enough time with us to have absolutely no doubt at all that he was Claire's brother. He had received a similar upbringing and his mentality was the same. Even his sense of humor was identical to Claire's and we had many laughs.
It took him several months to get a copy of the album his friend's family had made and as soon as he had it, he brought it over to us. The painter, who's name was unknown to me till I opened the album, was Axel Redding. On the first page of the album it was written in capital letters with underneath this birthday and death date. The day of his death looked familiar to me, but I couldn't see why at first. I looked at that date quite a long time and Jeremy asked me what I was looking at. I mentioned it, telling him I didn't know why it seemed so familiar to me.
-You don't? Jeremy asked.
I looked puzzled to him.
-It is the date you entered surgery for your transplant. I am not ready to forget that.
It was indeed! Something suddenly switched on a light bulb. Was it possible? The coincidence was far too big. Axel Redding died the same day I entered surgery. In the album I searched for a kind of biography. The only thing that was mentioned was that he died in a car accident, nothing more. I started to hyperventilate. I was once again in a situation that was too much for me, even though I was not sure about anything, only supposing... imagining. Jeremy was fast with his reaction and I soon had a cold wet towel on my forehead and another one on my neck. He talked to me, reassuring me, indicating me to breath deeply and then breath into a paper bag. His voice had the usual calming effect on me and he didn't stop till my breathing was back to normal. He took out his stethoscope and listened to my heart and assured me everything was normal. And then he asked me what was going through my mind to provoke such an agitation.
-Don't you see it Jeremy? The coincidence? That painter died the day I entered surgery. Would it be possible I have his heart beating in my chest? Was Claire right when she said part of his DNA transferred at the same time? Why did I get the vision of the painting only AFTER the surgery?
Jules and Jeremy looked perplexed at me. The questions I just said out loud, made some sort of sense and logic even if there was no scientific proof. That was the reason I suddenly got excited and started hyperventilating! I just assumed I received some answers that made the puzzle complete. The global image of everything that had happened was, in my opinion, as clear as fountain water. I went through the complete catalogue of Axel Redding's works and found a pencil drawing of a face of a man.
-Jeremy... I told you about the vision of a man I didn't know, didn't I? Well... here he is !
Under the picture of that drawing, there was just a name: Damian Whools. Nothing else was mentioned, except for a five year old date. Jules looked closely at the picture and thought he remembered a friend of Axel's, although he was not sure a hundred percent. He had a confused look on his face when he saw the picture. Confused was maybe not the correct word. It was more of a ... tortured look. I started to wonder what kind of relationship Jules and Axel had. If I hadn't known better, I would say that his tortured look was that of jealousy. Was it...? No, I had to stop supposing and imagining things. I had always been quite straight forward and was not the kind of guy to avoid asking questions. This time was different. Jules had just lost his sister a few months ago and from what he told us, he had cut off all contact with his parents who hadn't even showed up at the funeral. It was their own daughter for Christ sake!
When Jules left that evening, he allowed me to keep the catalogue a while longer and giving me the opportunity to study it thoroughly. I was grateful and hoped to find a few more answers despite the fact I ran out of questions. Jeremy was a bit worried that I would get obsessed with "DNA Transfers" and we talked about it. He could admit that the coincidences were huge, but that was not enough for him. He tried to make me see it could be a kind of "déjà vu". His approach to all this was purely scientific. It was not that he didn't believe me, it was a question of finding a reasonable explanation. He was not the kind of just believe things. Whatever it was that was new to him, he would look it up, find some references or literature or a person that could explain things to him and to his rational mind. For him, coincidences were really not good enough. At first I was disappointed that he couldn't see the things like I explained them to him. I took it quite personally and even got a little angry. I still tried to make it as obvious as possible to him, but he needed his time to read opinions about it and if it was in any scientific magazine, it was even better.
Even if there was a connexion between the transplant and the DNA, what good did it do to me? I didn't know the donor. I had a suspicion, but I was not sure at all. One coincidence was not really enough. Even if it was like that, that person was dead and couldn't give me any information. I didn't see myself ringing at his parent's door, or other siblings, and start asking questions. The information about the donor was absolutely secret. The only thing I could receive was the gender and maybe the age of that person, but that was it. There was no medical reason for the surgeon to give me any more details about him. Even if I could, what would I do with the data of that donor?
What about the name that was mentioned under the picture: Damian Whools? If I found him it wouldn't give me a lot of useful clues. He was the model, not the artists. But then again, why did he appear in my visions and my dreams? Was it a direction to follow? Was there a connection between Axel and Damian? And if there was, had it any importance in my life? Was that obsession I had something worth looking into further? My God! All these questions were making my head spin. I would have to try to get more out of Jules as his reactions by seeing the picture were a sign of something more, even if it was only a kind of body language. When all these question started to take away my night rest, I began to worry seriously. Jeremy noted as well that I didn't sleep like before and asked about it. I couldn't tell him as his point of view was so opposed to mine.
One night I was having some serious insomnia and paced the house in all directions. I didn't want to wake up Jeremy as he needed his sleep. I was so confused. The result of the sleepless nights began to affect my life during the day. Even my work started to suffer under the pressure of the lack of decent sleep. I had to do something but was lost as WHAT to do. Talking about it would certainly help but Jeremy was kind of reluctant about it. As I was afraid to go down a road that would have undesired consequences, I called my Mum to have lunch with her and put all the data on the table. As usual, she listened very carefully to what I had to tell her. She had that special ability to organize everything in her head and then give me the best advise possible. I even told her that Jeremy and I were kind of drifting apart because of our difference of opinion.
-Al... you have to be very careful about this. I don't think you want to lose him, do you?
-Of course I don't!!!
-In that case you have to remember that in a couple it is possible, and even advisable, to have different opinions. The only thing that is really important is to have the same respect for each other and each other's opinions. If it seems impossible to show that respect, you don't have a lot of possibilities. The first one would be that you are not made for each other and it would lead to an obvious separation. The second possibility, if you can't talk about it, is to call in a neutral party who would be a kind of referee and being a mediator between the two of you. The difference of opinion is not real important, but the respect is. Don't forget that your idea of a relationship is Love, Trust and Respect. If you are undermining one of these pillars, you know exactly what will happen. If you can't show the necessary respect, based on coincidences, I would have to say you are not as intelligent as I always thought you were.
That last remark hurt me, but I had to come to my senses and accept she was right. My Mum would never say something to deliberately hurt me and that meant she was right. I had to move my focus on respect and not on the opposite opinions. On top of that, I had to admit that our opinions were not really opposite. It was just that I saw it more as an emotional thing and Jeremy as a rational thing. We just had to find the golden midway.
When Jeremy came home one night and asked to have a serious talk, I was scared. Was it indeed the end of what we had built so far? I couldn't believe it because we also had made a promise to Claire. Jeremy was certainly not the kind of person to turn down a promise. I was once again having the most stupid question in my head: "What if...?" That was the most common question but also the most dangerous one because it implied directly that there was no certainty at all. We first had dinner and with a glass of wine in our hand, we moved to the living room.
-Al... I did some research and a transfer of DNA is really possible, although it's more common with a transplant of bone marrow. There are no specific examples of it concerning a heart transplant, but it is still possible. There are a lot of descriptions of what the mix of two DNA's can do although it is on the DNA base that a compatible donor is selected. The fact that you saw the painting in your dreams can be caused by the transplant and as well the face you saw in your dreams, but there is no proof about it. For my part, I believe what you are telling me and I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable with my doubts which were founded only by my medical point of view.
-Apologies accepted Jeremy, but...
I was a bit anxious to spill out what was on my mind. I am not specifically known as diplomatic, but I guessed Jeremy was already aware of that. I tried to find the appropriate words and not deliberately hurt his feelings.
-... I mean... I was a bit disappointed with your reactions. You made me feel like I was making it all up, inventing a situation that you couldn't believe or didn't want to believe. It hurt my feelings and I was even a little angry. You are the person I turn to with my problems and my doubts. You are the person I count on in all circumstances. You are my rock and... when I told you what was on my mind, for the first time, you made me feel like a fraud. I have to say that I didn't like it at all. So, I was obliged to turn to someone else and I liked it even less. If I can't count on my lover, than we have a serious problem. The point is that you didn't show any respect towards me.
He looked defeated. I guess that despite I tried to be diplomatic, I still had hurt his feelings this time. It was not because we loved each other, that we knew each other. We were still on that discovery trip and we would probably be on it for the rest of our lives.
-Jeremy... look at me please. I told you a thousand times that our relationship had to be based on Love, Trust and Respect. If I tell you something, whatever it is, it is something I am convinced about, something, even if I make a mistake, that I believe in a hundred percent. Don't tell me I am wrong and apologize one or two days later. Tell me you are going to look it up. Tell me you disagree, but don't make me feel like a fool or even worse: don't make me feel I am an ignorant child that has to be educated. I need you to believe in me and most of all respect me.
-I am so sorry Al. I had non idea you would take it like that. It was certainly not my intention to make you feel bad or inferior. I had my doubts indeed and I should have expressed them in a proper way. Please accept my apologies. You mean the world to me and it would be stupid to lose whatever it is we have because I expressed myself badly. I won't look for any excuse because there is none. I was wrong, point final. It has never been my intention to be disrespectful.
My anger disappeared almost immediately when I saw him like that and even more when I could see he was really sorry and even on the verge of crying. Jeremy who was the most self-confident man, had his hands shaking. I felt bad I had been too direct. I hurried to move next and close to him, taking his hands in mine.
-I am so sorry for the way I expressed myself right now Jeremy. It was probably unfair towards you.
I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him with all the love I felt inside. Automatically he wrapped his arms around me. We held each other in that embrace, keeping silent and letting our energies flow over to the other. Jeremy whispered in my ear, but I couldn't understand what he was saying and had to ask him to repeat.
-I can't lose you Al, he said, you mean the world to me and I should have known better than just doubt about you.
We loosened our embrace a little and he looked me in the eyes.
-I wanted to be sure about what I was saying. I didn't want to create false hope for you. I didn't do it the right way, that's for sure and therefor I do apologize with all of my heart. I just want the best for you Al, believe me, because I love you so damn much. I am probably overprotecting you, forgetting that you are a strong man with a strong mind. You already know how I felt helpless with Claire and I don't want that to ever happen again. Please, don't shut down on me.
-I'll never shut down on you my love, you are also too precious for me. I guess we just learned a lesson and that is to express ourselves better as to not create misunderstandings. If we ever feel that the other is not understanding fully what we mean, we have to learn to ask more questions. I guess we had to go through this to reach the point where we are now. Learning to know the other even better. I think I want to see it as a positive point as we will now avoid stupid misunderstandings.
Jeremy's face came closer to me till our lips met. It was not a romantic peck on my mouth, it was immediately a very passionate kiss, the sort of kiss that reached my inner soul, expressing the feelings Jeremy had for me. I responded to that kiss with the same hungry fever to make him understand I didn't want to lose him either, surrendering to the feelings he was waking up in me. We didn't even bother to go to the bedroom. It was not going to be a long and romantic lovemaking as there was an almost frenzied urge in our actions. Jeremy had me naked before I even knew it and the incredible thing was that he managed to be naked at the same time. I was laying on my back on the ample sofa. Jeremy kneeled over my hips and my hard-on was instantly pointing at his private entrance. He sat down on me and with the speed he had my entire manhood in his ass, it had to hurt him, but he didn't care. Was he trying to make me forgive him by suffering the excruciating pain of a dry entrance? I didn't know, but the sexual excitement was making my hips move and soon I was going in and out of him as if my life depended on it. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on this frenzy for too long and quickly felt my orgasm build-up to the point it almost hurt in my balls. I told Jeremy I was about to shoot and he twisted my nipples, sending a direct signal to the rest of my body and to urge me to unload. His cock was standing proud and hard and as I could see the veins in his organ swell, I knew he was very close to go over the edge as well. We didn't shoot at the same time, but were very close. I filled his bowels with my cream while he covered almost simultaneously my chest and stomach. After the last spurt, he collapsed on me, kissing even more passionately than before. We enjoyed the afterglow of this sexual action and Jeremy didn't move till my dick flopped out of his ass naturally by deflating after my orgasm. We laid there for the longest time. We needed a shower if we didn't want to be glued together by dried semen. We showered and went to bed. I was not surprised to fall asleep without delay and had a very good sleep till my nostrils were greeted by the smell of fresh coffee. It was already morning and I woke up well rested and happy. Jeremy came into the room with two mugs of steaming coffee.
We would have loved to stay naked the whole day and using, even abusing our bodies, but we both had jobs to perform. I tried to recover lost time as I had not been my high-performing self lately, obsessed with dreams, visions and unanswered questions, but most of all with Jeremy's behavior. As the last one was probably resolved forever, I could concentrate again on what I did best: designing new homes.
I got a phonemail from Mrs Anderson. That was a nice surprise. Of course, her first question was about my health and how I was recovering from surgery. How was I adapting to the new heart beating in my chest? The usual chit-chat I would say. The purpose of her calling was totally different to what I expected. Yes, she wanted to know if I was going to dance again in a semi-professional way and I couldn't do anything else than admit that dancing had not been on my mind lately, having other problems and business to attend to.
-Listen Al, I heard there will be a contest for same-sex people. As you are gay, I thought that maybe you would be interested to participate. I am sure that you didn't lose your ability of dancing because of your surgery. What do you think?
I was surprised. In our town you couldn't really say that the majority of people were really gay-friendly. Yes, it was true that same-sex marriage was now official. Yes, there was probably a little less gay bullying, but honestly, the homophobes were still very active and didn't miss a chance to make it well known that they were still there. I had no idea how it was that the dance federation had chosen our town for that event to take place. We had indeed the perfect location for such a huge organization, but was that enough to decide to do it here? For my part, I was indeed interested in participating and I would certainly count on my Mum to let all the people know about it. Jeez, I could even imagine her entering the organization of the whole thing.
-Mrs Anderson, I would be delighted to participate, but who are you thinking about as my dance-partner?
-Well... I was thinking about that good doctor of yours who was so helpful when you fainted. I could clearly see there was a connection between the two of you and you know what I think about connections between two dancers. I saw how he was moving, even though it was not dancing. He has the elegance and grace that is required for a good dancer...
-Oh, you are talking about my future husband I see.
-That is absolutely fantastic news Al. I had no idea you were so closely connected. It will be a great asset for the two of you. He was at first a spectator at the dance contest you won with Rachel and that means he loves dance-shows... at least, or was he just there to see you? If I remember well, he was in company of a woman in a wheelchair.
-That was his wife. She died a few months ago. Their relationship was quite a story... Anyway, I would have to ask Jeremy if he would be interested. You can easily imagine he is a very busy man as a physician. I know very well how much time is needed to have all the rehearsals as to have a couple ready for a contest. I'll have to ask him.
-Do that Al and let me know if he agrees. Other wise I will have to find someone else to be your dance partner. I am sure that whoever you dance with, you will honor me with another gold medal.
And there it went again: I was distracted from my job. The idea of dancing with Jeremy was really very appealing to me. Jeremy had come to see me dance, but I didn't know if he was a dancer himself. Claire had told me that they had danced together, but not that often. They knew each other enough to dance well. But, was that enough to have Jeremy participate in a contest? That was a big question of course. The other big question was to see if he could find the time for the many and long rehearsals. Ok, we had several months to practice. Was that enough to teach him the various dances that were on the list? We would also have to find a song and a choreography that would be ours and only ours. Mrs Anderson was good at that, but once again, was that enough?
At dinner time I mentioned Mrs Anderson's call and the purpose of it. Overprotective Jeremy's mayor concern was to know if I was ready for that. He remembered quite clearly what I had told him before the other contest and perfectly well knew the many hours I had rehearsed with Rachel.
-I do understand you want to do it, but I am a bit worried about the hours you will spend at Mrs Anderson's studio, even more because I don't have the experience you have and would have to learn all the required dances. You are aware of the many hours we would have to follow her instructions, do you? Before you accept to do it, it would be advisable to have an appointment with your cardiologist and know for hundred percent you are capable of it. If he says it is ok, I would love to dance with you. It is more, I would be honored to be your dance partner.
He was right, as usual, and the part of being honored filled me with pride. We were already partners in life, we were partners in bed and now, if the doctor said it was all right, we would be partners on the dance floor as well. Just the idea of it made me so happy. We would have one more common point and interest and that would bring us even closer together than what we already were. My imagination went even further, thinking how proud Claire would have been to see us dance together.
The appointment with the cardiologist was quickly made and I knew he would put me on that treadmill again while monitoring my heart at all time. My physical condition was not as good as it was before the surgery, but something in my head told me I would do just fine. It was time for me to start exercising again. In the mornings I got up an hour earlier and went for a run; not too much at the start but increasing speed and distance every day. Jeremy was amazed with my willpower and even started to go running with me. Of course, his physical condition was better than mine and day by day he pushed me further and further, imposing bit by bit a bigger effort on my heart and cardio exercises, being careful to not overdo it as long as I had not seen my specialist.
The test on the treadmill was better than what was expected. It seemed to be that the heart I had received was from someone who was used to exercise and followed my rhythm quite well. I received the ok for the dancing and the very same day I called Mrs Anderson to give her my positive answer, as well as Jeremy's. Nonetheless, she was remembering what had happened the last time and asked me if there was maybe a third person that would be interested as well so as to have a back-up solution if anything went wrong. It was not that she didn't trust me or my physical condition, it was just to have a kind of alternative in case anything went wrong. When we talked about it with Jeremy, we both had the same idea at the same moment: Jules. We didn't have a clue about his interest in dancing and even less when it would be same-sex dancing, but we could both see us dancing with him. We would have to talk to him about it.
When we explained Jules what we had in mind, during one of our dinners together, we received a reaction we had not expected at all as he became very quiet in words and even a bit nervous. Jeremy asked him what was wrong and if we had crossed a line he imposed. He denied it with just a movement of his head. Then he lifted his head and looked at both of us.
-Is it that obvious? Jules asked.
We had no clue what he was talking about and he had to see the quizzical look on our faces. He looked down again and literally torturing the napkin he had in his hands. We were not used to see him like that. Jules was a cool guy and we loved his company because he was so laid back. He was the kind of guy you could talk about anything at all and for the first time it seemed he was lost for words. He took a deep breath before starting to talk again.
-I guess I have a few explanations to give you. I can assume that apart from being brothers-in-law, we are also friends, isn't it?
Jeremy and I nodded.
-Well... Axel Redding and I were kind of more than just friends...
I had suspected that, but didn't say anything yet.
-We were in a serious relationship, or at least, that was what I thought. Yes, indeed, I am gay. Axel and I had a relationship that I wanted to be monogamous, but he wanted an open relationship. We have been in disagreement on that point for so long, that I don't even remember the time we could forget about it. The love we shared was deep and meaningful, but the sex was another story. Axel always told me he made love with me whereas he had sex with others and that it was a huge difference. It was not that he was hiding it, on the contrary. I loved him so much that just a simple peck on the lips would make me want to get naked and follow the flow as people say. Each time we made love, was better than the previous one, but I knew that in between he was having sex with others and it bothered me. I asked him to shut up about the other guys he was bedding down with, but he couldn't, pretending he wanted to be totally honest with me. He said our relationship was based on total honesty and nothing else. Each time he told me about one of his adventures, I felt sick. It was not really jealousy or possessiveness... it was just that I loved him and thought I could give him what he needed or wanted. That was of course my biggest mistake as he went on having adventure after adventure.
Jules seemed to calm down while telling us his story, leaving the napkin on the table. I had the impression that it was the first time he openly talked about it to anyone at all.
-The only person who knew about this relationship was Claire. She always listened carefully to what I was saying and tried to guide me through a situation that I didn't like and couldn't change. She was the one who told me that when you are in a situation you don't like and can't change, it was time to change yourself. I couldn't accept that. I was not going to give up on the basic principles of my life. I couldn't change the fact that I wanted a monogamous relationship, being convinced that when you love from the bottom of your heart, you don't need anybody else. I made Claire promise me that she would never tell anybody about this whole thing with Axel and I am happy to see she was true to her promise... When Axel had his car accident and died, I swore to myself to never again fall in love like I did with him, accepting things that were not according to my point of view on life. When not that long ago, we looked in the catalogue of his work and I saw the drawing he made of Damian Whools, I started to wonder if Axel's honesty was as true as he pretended. When you look at that drawing, it had to be made with a lot of love. If you look at it again, you will understand what I mean. I went searching for Damian and even had an intense conversation with him. He told me that Axel and he were lovers and had the intention to live together, something Axel had always refused with me. I could see Damian was still deeply in love with Axel. That's why I didn't say a word about what Axel and I had, or at least what I thought we had. Damian was aware Axel and I had had sex, as Axel had told him.
-I thought there was something more than "friends" when you looked at Damian's drawing, I said. You had that tortured look on your face. I didn't ask anything because I thought that you would tell us when the time was ready.
Jeremy didn't say anything, but stood up and went around the table to give Jules a big warm hug. That was when Jules lost it and started to sob and cry. He was on a roller-coaster of emotions and mixed feelings. Jeremy held him tight.
-Jules, I am so proud of you and you can be assured that if you need to talk at any time, we will be here for you, just like Claire was. I can understand that it is not the same, as she was your sister, but believe me, we love you just as much. Our door will always be open for you and you can feel as free as you want to talk about anything. We are not here to judge you and even less to condemn you. For us, you are more than just a brother-in-law. You are a friend and you know that friends accept each other like they are, not like they want the other to be.
That evening was a turning point in the relationship we had with Jules. We were already close since Claire passed away and we got even closer after this heart opening conversation. The bond of trust and respect became stronger.
To be continued
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