Dan and Ben at Sixty-two

Dan and Ben at Sixty-Two--Chapter Five

By Ezra Randle

Dan had been sending several text messages a week to Jerrad since their blowout. Alex's suggestion was a good one. Even though Jerrad didn't respond most of the time, when he did he was cordial and sometimes even generous. But over the past few weeks, Jerrad responded each time, and just two days ago, he initiated one on his own. The content was cryptic though seemingly straightforward.

We should meet up for lunch sometime. Like maybe in Rockford or Janesville. Some halfway point. I know your birthday is coming up. I'd like to treat you.

Dan decided to call him, though it took a great deal of nerve to punch his contact number. Jerrad picked up on the second attempt. "Hey, Buddy, how are you?" Dan said.

"So, so."

"Something gone wrong?"

"I guess so. Sylvia left me a few weeks ago. So, there's that."

"Wow, that's big. Like a timeout?"

"Maybe. Might be permanent."

"Would you prefer not talking about it?"

"Of course, I'd prefer that. But that's not going to do any good. I need to move on. And I have to some extent. I'm applying for different jobs."

"Really. Where?"

"Around Chicago mostly. I don't want to go on seeing her at work. It's too unpleasant. Seeing her talk with other men isn't very comforting. I even applied at OnLineMed, up your way."

Dan paused wondering what to say. Was this unexpected information revealed so immediately in the first five minutes of their conversation an invitation to inquire more? Was Jerrad at such a low point in his life that he was talking about his girlfriend like he wanted some assurance from a friend? He hadn't experienced anything like this before with his son. Jerrad had always been extremely independent, seldom letting him into the private matters in his life. From what Jenny had told him, he wasn't much different with her. "Jerrad, are you OK?"

"Like I said, part of me is and part of me isn't."

"Would you like me to come down and see you?"

"That would be a lot of trouble. No need to do that."

"But if I want to, would you like a visitor?"

"Yeah, that would be OK."

"How about Saturday? I could be there around noon."

"OK. You can spend the night if you want."

That had been the beginning of the revival of their relationship. Since his overnight in Chicago and several good conversations on the phone, several changes had occurred. Jerrad was hired at OnLineMed. He had moved his possessions to the house in Monroe, mostly in storage in the garage minus what he wanted to put in his old room. Which had been reinvented into the contemporary living quarters for a thirty-one-year-old, single man. Sylvia had returned her engagement ring and had taken over the apartment they once shared. And just last week, she started dating another man. Jerrad didn't seem to care about her new romance. As far as Dan could deduce, he had cast her aside, even though it seemed she had been the one to leave him. But Jerrad had not opened up that channel of conversation. Dan was waiting him out on that one.

Jerrad was upbeat most days. He rose at six and was out of the house thirty minutes later. He returned around five and usually ate with Dan when he was home. Dan made a point of being there for supper most nights, heading over to Alex's afterward if he wasn't spending the night. Alex agreed that resuscitating Jerrad took precedence over their romance. Typically, Dan spent the weekend with Alex. But there had been a change in Alex's affection as well. Dan couldn't figure it out, though his suspicions centered on Alex's old friend, Jorge. But Dan didn't feel like he had the time to push Alex into revelations. He was on a mission with Jerrad and wouldn't be deterred. His son was becoming more pleasant to deal with by the day to the point where they had real conversations at dinner time. The first significant one was about Sylvia. "Dad, I guess it's time I talk about it."

"I'm curious. You seemed on the way to marriage. Managing your life just fine."

"You might be amazed that it came back to that terrible argument we had when I was moving my stuff."

"That was a tough day for both of us."

"When I told Sylvia what happened, she said, `Well that's over now'. Like you and Mom and I were dead to each other. She made other comments like that over the next few weeks. Praising her parents in the process. Her parents are nice enough to me, but her dad is really a prick. A real bigot. I realized she was polluting my head with his garbage. Because I would never stand up to what she said. Just took it in without questioning it. I guess I was afraid she'd walk away, and I'd be left even more alone."

"She must have given you a lot of support when Marie died."

"Yes and no. She hardly knew Marie so it wasn't like her heart was broken like everyone else's was. She didn't like me talk about Marie. She just walked away when I needed to. She wasn't terrible, but not what I expected from the woman I thought I was destined to marry. Then afterward, with you and mom seeing other people, it was like she thought I had inherited some terrible genes and, if we had kids, they would turn out like you and Mom and Grandpa."

"That's tough to deal with. Sorry all that stuff had to come together at the same time. It was just a terrible confluence of events."

"I'm sure I've got lots of grieving to do. Sylvia never really gave me the chance."

"Do you think you need to see someone?"

"Regarding Marie, to be determined. But I'm mostly past the stuff about you and Mom. No need for you to apologize for the way you are. I realized I couldn't lose you and Mom over something you and Mom have no control over. If I lived my life without any family, Jesus, what kind of a person would that make me. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror."

"So who broke it off?"

"Pretty mutual. She agreed to move in with her folks until we made our final decision. We talked about a few months. But the day after she left, I knew. I felt so much better being alone in our apartment than being with her. It's not like I don't miss everything. The physical part was always good. But even that was suffering from my end. I was losing my desire to be with her in bed."

"It's difficult. We all have needs like that."

"How come you haven't been seeing Alex much since I moved in?"

"I had never moved in with him completely. Our plan was to work up to that gradually. But then you made your change. I want to be here to help you get adjusted again."

"I'm thirty-one, Dad."

"You'd prefer it if I was gone?"

"Actually, not. I enjoy you being here. We don't see each other until dinner time. I really like us eating together. You're making meals that appeal to me. I help clean up. In case you haven't noticed, I don't have much of a social life."

"I've been away on weekends. I thought that would give you free time. I told you if you want to invite someone over, that's fine. I expect you'd like to date again."

"I'm not ready. I've gone out a few times to a bar where a few of my old high school buddies hang out. It wasn't much fun. I've kind of lost track of people since I hooked up with Sylvia."

"Take your time then. I hope you don't move out. I like you being here again. I know you could move closer to work."

"I might be able to save some money if I stay. I don't have much. You're OK about not selling the house?"

"I think I want to keep it. Regardless of what happens to me and Alex."

"Does that mean it might not work out with him?"

"No. I think we're OK."

Jerrad laughed. "Dad, it's OK if you sleep with him here."

"Thanks for giving me permission. Do you remember Ben from the memorial service?"

"Of course. Maureen's ex, right?"

"Has Mom told you the full story?"

"Just that she met Maureen and has known her for years. They want to be together."

"Ben and I were high school friends. Some years ago, we renewed our friendship. We were quite intimate. Sexually. That was the start of my change."

"This was before Mom and Maureen?"

"Ten years before. We saw each other off and on. Then we both moved on to other men. I didn't tell Mom until a few years ago. It was quite dishonest of me. I'm sorry for doing that."

"I'm not the one you have to apologize to."

"Mom and I have worked it out. Ben and I are still close friends. But he's living with a younger man named Gary. I was going to invite them over for dinner. If that's OK with you?"

"Why would I care?"

"Because you live here. They are a couple. You understand that."

"I'm sure I have a lot to learn."

A week later, Ben and Gary came to dinner bringing with them a fresh cherry torte. Gary's trimmed beard was a bit longer than usual, matching Jerrad's. Their dark hair was also cut in a similar way, combed over just past their ears. Their body shapes were also quite a bit alike, portly though Gary was in much better shape. Jerrad was a couple of inches shorter, but all in all, they were cut from the same cloth. The two of them noticed their surface resemblance right away and bowed to each other in acknowledgement, chuckling as they did. After the meal, Ben and Dan retreated to the dining room to talk while Gary and Jerrad teamed up to clean the kitchen. "This is my job at home," Gary said. "Ben makes the food and I take care of the messes."

"I've been pretty much doing the same since I moved back. But thanks for the help."

"Is Dan a good cook?"

"Yeah. He cooked more than my mom when I was growing up, so I'm used to his recipes. I'm happy to be eating at home and taking leftovers for lunch. I'm hoping it will continue to be part of my weight loss program. I've already dropped ten pounds since I moved back."

"Good for you. You like going to the gym?"

"I never have much, but I'd like to start."

"Ben and I go to the Starlight. You can come as our guest if you're interested."

"I'd need some pointers about working out. I've never done it."

"Would be my pleasure."

They talked about working at OnLineMed. The company was so large they hadn't run into each other during the five weeks Jerrad had been there. "HR doesn't work with IT much, unless our computers glitch up."

After the younger men disappeared into Jerrad's room, Dan looked at Ben. "I guess they found something to do on the computer."

"You like having him back?"

"I can't tell you how much. My heart was breaking when I thought I'd lost him, too. It's kind of a miracle."

"How's it going with Alex?"

"That's why I invited you over. To talk about that. Something's gone wrong. Part of it is the time I'm devoting to Jerrad. Wanting to be home more, so he settles in. But I'm quite sure he's seeing someone else."

"What the fuck? Little man's cheating on you? How do you know?"

"A few hints. His name is Jorge. They dated a few times years ago. Long before we met. Alex is a different man now. A more confident lover."

"Have you talked?"

"Not yet. I have to do that soon. I really can't blame him if he wants to try someone new. If there's an attraction. It's not like it's you and Gary. You two are pretty committed."

"Yeah, we are. But as you know it can all turn on a dime. I'm just happy for each day."

"You'd be devastated if he left. Even if it was just moving to his own apartment," Dan said.

"Yeah. I would. You and I never had this sort of commitment even though we loved each other in the same way."

"Still do love each other," Dan said.

"Yes. I still love you. Always have, always will. If you need my shoulder, let me know. OK?"

Jerrad was showing Gary the dating sites he visited. He showed him profiles of two women he was interested in. One lived in Milwaukee. The other in northern Illinois. Gary read through the profiles and immediately ruled out the one from Illinois. "What's wrong with her?"

"Just a vibe I get."

"What do you know? Have you ever been with a woman?"

"Just once, when I was fifteen. I played with her tits and got her to cum rubbing her pussy. Nothing more."

"That's all it took to know you didn't want more?"

"Yeah, after that night, I came out to my brother who was my closest friend at the time."

"Was it like a thunderbolt?"

"No. I pretty much knew before. That night clinched it. I wasn't aroused in the slightest. Not even any precum. It would have been embarrassing if I had tried to enter her. I had already pretty much concluded that I liked men better."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Ben's a lot older than you are. He's my dad's age. They were buddies in high school. Then they became lovers."

"Yeah, I know all that."

"And now you're with him. The age thing isn't difficult?"

"Not for me. I've always liked older men. So twenty years doesn't feel like much."

Jerrad pondered the response but didn't say anything. "You OK with my answer? Your dad's partner, Alex, is over ten years younger."

"I know. It's pretty new to me even if my best friend in high school came out to me. I was the first person he told. But he liked guys his age, more or less."

"What happened to your friend?"

"I've lost track of him. I think he's still around Madison."

"Still gay?"

"As far as I know. I'm going to look him up. I'd like to see him again."

"Do you like baseball, Jerrad?"

"I played little league but not in high school, but in the last few years I've been following the Cubs. Went to a few games."

"No kidding. I love to go to games. Tickets are easy to get for Brewers games. Want to go sometime?"

"Yeah. I'd love it."

On the drive home, Ben asked Gary about Jerrad. "I like him. Body shape wise he kind of reminds me of myself. He needs to get into the gym. So I invited him to join us at the Starlight. You don't mind?"

"Not at all. He needs some companionship. Anything you can do would make Dan's life a lot easier."

"How's Dan doing?"

"His primary mission is to help Jerrad get on track. So far so good with that one. He thinks Alex is seeing someone else. A friend from before he met Dan."

"Shit. Dan doesn't need that. But as you know, men will be men."

"When's the last time you were tempted since we've been living together?"

"For real or just liking his look?"

"Whichever."

"Boss, not a day goes by when I don't see someone who kind of tantalizes me a bit, even though the number of older man at OnLineMed is pretty low. I tend to sniff them out. But, for real, nobody. And I'm serious."

"That's nice to hear. I never think about it, Gary. Sooner or later, you're going to run into somebody who is a tease. And you'll be thinking about him. I accept that. I hope I can deal with it when it comes."

"That's all the faith you have in me?" Gary said.

"It's not me losing faith, really. It's just what I've come to know about men."

"You don't think I have what it takes to be monogamous with you?"

"I'm not sure I do either. If Danny really needed me, we might make love as part of me soothing him. Or maybe I'd need it."

"That's different, boss. You two are something beyond what we're talking about. I accept that."

Ben smiled as they pulled into the garage. "That is such a nice thing to say that I'm not going to let you sleep alone in your dungeon tonight."

"I wasn't planning on it. I've been hard most of the way home."

Dan was sitting in the living room listening to Lorraine Duggins. Jerrad came in and sat with him. "Nice to have the weekend, Dad?"

"Yeah. Looking forward to it. You?"

"I do like to sleep in. I'll probably stay up a few hours later than usual and not care when I wake up. I've still got the teenager in me."

"You're growing up a little more each day. Right in front of me. I'm very impressed."

"Thanks. Gary invited me to their health club to work out. Lose some more weight, maybe. If moving back home does nothing more than help me reshape my fat fucking body, it will all be worth it. I've wanted to do that for years."

Dan smiled. "You'd be defying the body shape you've had since middle school. That would be amazing."

"I've lost ten already. Want to see?"

Jerrad took off his t-shirt and posed for his father. His chest was fairly hairy, like Dan's, but Dan had never had a belly that hung over his beltline. "You probably don't notice the difference, Dad, but I'd say it came from right here."

Jerrad clutched a handful of his belly in his hands. Dan laughed. "I'll pay you one hundred dollars for every five you take off. So, you've already earned two hundred."

"I never showed this much skin when Mom and Marie were around. I was always too self-conscious. I want get in better shape and feel like I could show my gut to anyone. Maybe I might even attract a beautiful woman. Though I have my doubts."

"Sylvia is a very attractive woman."

"She chose me. Did you know that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I still don't know why. But she basically got to know me and invited herself into my life. Then all of a sudden we were living together and making plans to get married. But she was never really attracted to me. I'm convinced of that."

"Don't underestimate yourself."

"I'm not. I'm not outgoing. I'm fat. Yeah, I know how to do my job. Big deal. You know how many IT wonks there are like me? Gamers, anti-social guys who go back to their cubicle-like apartments at night. I don't want to be like them. I've got to be something better."

Jerrad started crying. Dan shifted to the sofa and took his son into his arms. "I'm a fucking mess, Dad. I'm sorry."

They sat like that for five minutes until Jarred settled into a calm state. "Want to hear a funny story, Jarred?"

"Sure. If you think I've got laughing in me."

"Your grandpa whom you've just met the one time, at the memorial, surprised me when I was visiting him. This was after Marie died. I went down there for about six weeks to recover."

"I remember. You called me a bunch of times."

"He lives in a condo, but I stay at a different condo with friends of his. It's much bigger. So it all works out. You know your grandpa is gay, right?"

"How could I forget."

"I'm only telling you the story because you're sort of half-dressed sitting here in my arms. Grandpa gave me a key to his place so I could drop in anytime. Which I like to do. He's got a great collection of music and sometimes I go sit there and listen. One day, I did that. I didn't think anyone was home. He often leaves with his partner. Chip, you remember him?"

"Yeah. I wasn't sure if he was Grandpa's boyfriend or his caretaker."

"Boyfriend. He doesn't need a caretaker. Well, anyway, I was about to start listening to music and I heard Grandpa and Chip talking. I hadn't noticed them sitting on the sofa when I came in. So, I peeked over at them. They were naked, making out."

Jerrad laughed. "He's like eighty-five, right?"

"Yeah, a little older. Chip's in his seventies."

"Fuck. What did you do?"

"I yelled over to them and apologized for not noticing them. I told them I was leaving. And Dad told me to stay and sit near them so we could chat."

Jerrad was laughing hard at the image of it. "Did you?"

"Yes. Turns out Grandpa is a bit of a naturist. Has been for decades. He likes to sit around naked in his condo. He'd just never done it when I was around before."

"Did you take your clothes off, too?"

"As a matter of fact, I did."

Jerrad laughed again. "We talked for a while until they went into the bedroom when they wanted some more privacy."

"That is a fucking hoot. You're not suggesting that, are you?"

"Not at all. I thought it might tickle your funny bone. Get you out of your funk."

Dan released his son from his arms and sat up. Jerrod looked up at him. "I'm half naked now. If you want to see me fully naked, doesn't bother me. Maybe if we stripped and showed each other what we've got, we could be a bit looser around her. No women to worry about."

"Jerrad, no way am I asking you to do that."

"Not like you haven't seen a man naked, Dad."

"If you do, I'll follow."

Jerrad stood and dropped his shorts so he was wearing just boxer briefs. "Your turn, Dad."

Dan stood up and took off his shirt and sweat pants. "Fuck, Dad, who wears briefs like that anymore."

Dan laughed. They each took down their underwear. "When's the last time you saw me naked?" Jerrad asked.

"Not since before puberty. It's all a surprise."

"You're the expert on male genitalia. What do you think?"

"It's a very nice package. Do you trim your pubic hair?"

"Of course. That's what men do now. Unless they shave completely."

"I don't like the shaved look. It's all very handsome. I'll bet Sylvia loved it."

"I think she did. I'm decent sized when I get hard. She said I was bigger than the other guy she saw a few years ago. I guess that's something."

"Do you remember seeing me naked?"

"Of course. You were very free with yourself when we changed into our swim suits or when you came out of the downstairs shower where Marie wouldn't see you. I thought that was pretty cool growing up. I haven't seen you for a few years. You look good. I've always admired how you stayed so trim and in shape. I could never do that. You staying in shape was kind of intimidating to me. Maybe that's part of the reason I let myself go like this."

Dan sat in the chair facing his son who sat across from him. "Grandpa's a fucking naturist. That blows my mind."

"Some of the time, anyway. I wish you'd spend some time with him. I think he's coming up this summer for a week."

"I went to a naturist beach once. It was pretty cool. Men feeling so liberated about their bodies. I wish I could be that way," Jerrad said.

"Excuse me. You were the one who suggested we do this. So, you must feel OK about this."

"Only around you. Would you care if I don't wear clothes in the house?" Jerrad said.

"No. Just be appropriate. If your mom comes over, no dice obviously. But if it's just you and me, it's up to you. I may or may not join you. And no erections. Go into your room for that."

Jerrad laughed. "I was wondering when you'd get to that."

"If you want to see me hard, you know, just to see me, ask. I won't ever ask to see you," Dan said.

"That's fair. But if you see me heading into the bathroom wearing my morning wood, you can handle that? I do sleep naked and now I feel like I don't have to cover up."

"Yeah, I can handle it. And if you're going to play with yourself like you're doing now, well, just be appropriate, OK?"

Jerrad had a near erection, and as he had just stated, he was decent sized, longer and thicker than Dan. He grabbed his shorts and slid into them. "Sorry. Didn't mean to. I'm actually quite horny. So maybe I'll head into my room. Dad, hope you're not offended by all this. I mean, you being gay kind of invites his sort of thing."

Dan laughed appreciating the silliness of his son. "I'm not offended. And I hope you're not offended by the fact that I sleep with men."

"I'm working on that. Goodnight."

"Hey, Jerrad?"

"Yeah?"

"When did you start saying `fuck' all the time?"

"In high school. I just didn't talk much around the house."

"You sound like Gary. He's pretty free with the f-bomb, too."

"Does Ben tolerate it?"

"He's the same way."