Dan and Ben at Sixty-two

Dan and Ben at Sixty-two--Chapter Three By Ezra Randle

Jerrad drove up from Chicago to clean out the boxes of papers stored in the closet of the room where he had lived for his first nineteen years. Dan had asked him to go through them at least ten times over the years, but nothing stuck until Dan told him he might put the house up for sale in the spring. Was Dan ready for that? Increasingly so. He was in his last year of counseling at Monroe High School. He was purging many of his own possessions. The garage had been cleaned out quite extensively. It was easier to do that since Jenny had completely moved out sharing a home with Maureen, and her space in the garage had become a staging area for the boxes and old equipment on their way to the recycling center. He was spending five nights a week with Alex, and now when he returned to the old house, it felt emptier and more lifeless. He and Jenny had cleaned out Marie's old things a month ago. An activity that took two days of almost detached devotion. They had agreed not to talk about anything that touched their hands other than deciding if it was throwaway or for Goodwill, or those few things they'd keep as special memorabilia. Neither wanted to drift down memory lane which would make the task impossible.

Jerrad hadn't been in the house for three years. He refused to bring his fiancé, Sylvia, with him, and Dan hadn't seen her since Marie's memorial service. On the occasions when Dan had gone to Chicago to see Jerrad since Marie's death, Sylvia was always unavailable. It was painfully obvious she simply didn't want to see him. Or Jenny for that matter because Jenny reported the same behavior whenever she went to see Jerrad. Jerrad did tell Jenny on her last visit that Sylvia considered the Morse family a train wreck. Dan assumed Jerrad had to side with Sylvia on that perspective of the family, or perhaps she'd leave him. The prospect of gradually losing his son, after the painful trauma of Marie's passing, was almost too much to bear if he thought about it. But he had no idea how to fix it. Jerrad almost seemed like he had been raised by a different set of parents.

He popped in the room. "Need any help?"

"Not really. I'll be done in an hour. I think I'll get what I want to take back into three boxes. You can junk the rest."

"I'm setting up lunch. It'll be ready in a few minutes. Can you take a break and join me?"

"Yeah."

"It's just make your own deli sandwiches."

Jerrad came out ten minutes later with a box. "Let me put this in the car, and I'll have lunch."

Jerrad had put on weight. He was always a bit chubby, but now his belly line had thickened. His short dark brown beard hid some of the double chin. It was hard to see how much he still looked like Jenny behind the mask. He didn't look like he worked out, but he'd never been one to do that. He didn't play sports after middle school. Dan thought he'd continue with tennis, but Jerrad had never taken his tennis rackets to Chicago. They rested in the closet with his papers from high school and college. He sat down after washing his hands and made himself a turkey sandwich. "What do you want to drink?"

"Is there any soda with caffeine?"

"Pepsi from a while back. It's still viable."

"That'll work. I'm going to drive back when I'm done. In maybe another hour."

"Mom's coming over in a couple of hours. She wanted to see you."

Jerrad didn't say anything. "Are you still angry with us?"

"What do you expect?"

"We're family. We can talk about it."

"Being back in the house makes me even more disgusted. Everything you two stood for is gone. Like it never existed."

"We're still the same people. We still love you."

"You're not remotely the same people."

"How do you know? We never talk."

"Don't need to. How would you like it, Dad, if you woke up one morning and your sister was dead, without any warning? And your parents had morphed into what you two have become?"

"Maureen and Alex are good people, Jerrad. We've only changed in the respect that we want to be with different partners. The rest is the same."

"You're gay dad. You taught me enough not to refer to you as a fag. Which is what Sylvia calls you. I don't want to disrespect you for discovering something different about yourself. But I don't have to accept it or want to be with you."

"We raised you better than that."

"You and mom raised me to expect you two to love each other. To sleep with each other. To live that life. When we stayed at Maureen's for that night of the memorial service, it was a fucking nightmare. Watching Mom and Maureen be chummy and lovey. We had to move into the motel for the other nights."

"Do you have any gay or lesbian friends?'

"Yes. My best friend in high school is gay. I was the first person he came out to. You must remember him, Fritz Altenburg."

"Of course. We all loved Fritz."

"I hope you didn't love him in that way, Dad."

"For god sake, Jerrad. That really goes too far."

"Sorry. But Fritz was born that way. He was just becoming what he knew he was. But you, were you covering it all up until you were fifty?"

"No. I love your mother. Our passion was straight and true. But we both changed. But only in that respect."

"You make it seem like now you crave strawberry ice cream and you never used to before."

"Do you think you're over Marie dying?"

"Like I'd forget about her? She's my only sibling. I wish she were here to make sense of what's happened to you and Mom. She was always good at that kind of thing. I'm just an IT wonk. I don't mix with sexuality rediscovery shit. I'm just a guy with normal appetites. But now that might not be enough. Sylvia looks at me sometimes and says, `Look at you, Jerrad. Your grandpa and father both discovered in middle age they were gay. Why wouldn't you? Why should we make a commitment or have kids when that's on the horizon?' Her parents have told her to dump me. Like I'm damaged goods."

Jerrad had broken down into tears. He wiped them away with his napkin. "I'm really sorry, Jerrad."

"Why didn't you just keep it hidden? Just go on with your private life, fucking whatever guy you want and let me believe you were still straight. Why couldn't one of you let me believe you were normal and straight? Fuck, Dad, nice lunch. I don't want to eat."

Jerrad grabbed his Pepsi and went back to his room. Dan finished his sandwich and was putting the food away when Jerrad came back out wearing his jacket carrying two boxes. "I'm heading back. Sorry it didn't work out."

Dan took one of the boxes and followed Jerrad out the door to his Honda Accord. He loaded it into the trunk. Alex pulled into the driveway. "O, great, Dad, you had to invite him over. What does he think will happen?

"He wanted to meet you again. At least you can say hello."

Alex walked over to the car. "Hi, guys, making progress with the boxes I see."

He reached out his hand to Jerrad who reluctantly shook it. "Jerrad's heading back."

Jerrad looked at Dan. "I'm sorry. I love what we were and respect all you've done for me. But I cannot accept the changes."

Dan tried to embrace him, but Jerrad turned away, got into his car and drove away.

"What happened?" Alex asked.

"It was quite unbelievable. But hold on. I need to call Jenny and tell her Jerrad left."

When he finished with the phone call, Alex was standing inside of the garage. "Is this your throwaway pile?"

"Sooner or later all that's going. And everything Jerrad left in his room. Come on, let's see what kind of mess he just left."

Papers were scattered everywhere, boxes turned upside down, and books tossed into corners. "What a mess," Alex said.

"It wasn't like this an hour ago when I was in here with him. After our fight, he threw everything he didn't want leaving it for me. A real statement of how his visit went."

Alex went out into the kitchen and retrieved some heavy duty garbage bags from under the sink. Over the next hour, they filled the bags and empty boxes until the room looked no worse than a storage area for trash. "Let's take it all out to the garage."

"I can do that, Alex."

"No, I insist. Let's take it out there and put some closure on everything that went wrong with the visit."

It took just twenty minutes to clear out Jerrad's bedroom. As they stood in the doorway to the room, Alex held Dan and said, "Wasn't so bad after all."

"You're right. Thanks for helping."

"What did Jenny say when you called her?"

"Thankful that I reached her before she made the trip over here. I didn't get into all the details of my visit with Jerrad. It wasn't really an argument. It was more his rant rather than me arguing with him."

"What else do you have to do here?"

"Not much. If you wait five minutes, I can follow you back."

Alex had been cooking tomato sauce all day in the slow cooker. He heated up the water for the pasta and they sat with a glass of wine waiting for it to cook. "How did it go so wrong?"

"I think he arrived angry and somewhat put out, even though he knew he had to go through his stuff. Maybe it was just being in the house. Memories of Marie got triggered just being there. Then he unleashed his anger over Jenny living with Maureen and me seeing you. He was quite vehement about his disapproval."

"Is he that homophobic?"

"I don't think he is. His best friend in high school came out to him before he told anyone else. So, he's very sympathetic. But he said his friend was living his destiny. What he was born with. Jenny and I weren't born with it. We found it in midlife. So we can't own it."

"Did you try to argue with him about that logic?"

"Not much. By that time he was kind of off his rocker. His vitriol is really fueled by his fiancé. She thinks I'm a faggot and Jenny's probably worse. Her parents want her to dump him."

"Wow, that's harsh."

"He's incredibly vulnerable. He was just letting loose on me. I was handy."

"You don't think he hates you?"

"He sees it as me making a choice when I could just as easily stayed with Jenny. Or maybe not told him. He's angry about that. Like it's not fair. It's not really hatred."

"He's probably very frightened as well. That he'll live the rest of his life without his parents. He knows you went through that with your dad. But it's no fun to have to make that effort."

"What really frightens him is that both Dad and I discovered our gay desires midlife. Or starting acting on it midlife. His fiancé told him he's really high risk for the same. Why should she invest anymore energy into their relationship or have kids if that's what he's destined to turn out to be."

"That's a tough one. It's cruel to say he'd be better off without her. But it might be true."

"Or wake up someday knowing he's married to the wrong woman."

They ate dinner, and Jenny called after speaking with Jerrad. She wanted to know what had happened. "What did he tell you?"

"Just that you two got into it. He said it was his fault as much as yours."

Dan told her what happened. "Don't expect much for Mother's Day, Jenny."

She hung up shortly afterward. Alex had cleaned up the kitchen while he was on the phone. He was stretched out on top of their bed. "Are you sleeping here or in your own room?"

Dan had a queen bed in Alex's guest room. He spent one or two nights of the five nights a week he slept at Alex's sleeping alone. Alex thought it was good sexual hygiene as a way to keep the intimacy alive in the face of routine. Dan didn't mind. He'd always liked sleeping alone. Just as he enjoyed waking up next to Alex. Sometimes he'd sleep alone then join Alex in the early morning hours. Occasionally, he'd slip into Alex's bed in the middle of the night. In many ways, it was a perfect arrangement. But tonight he knew he wanted Alex at his side.

"If it's my choice, with you. Do you mind?"

"I was hoping you'd stay. It was so nice when you came with me to the reception the other night. Meant a lot to me."

The reception was in honor of one of Alex's longtime mentors. Over one hundred people showed for Hors d'oeuvres and drinks. Alex had introduced Dan to a fair number of people as his partner. They had discussed it earlier. Dan was in agreement, though he was very shy the first few times the introductions were made. "I enjoyed it, too. Thinking back, was it difficult to say the words?" Dan asked.

"At first. Then I wanted to tell everyone."

"I'm glad you had some restraint."

"How did you feel, looking back?" Alex said.

"I'm a work in progress. You know that. Today didn't help eliminate any of my hesitation about being public about it. But I have to do it. I need to be who I really am."

"I received several emails from men we met that night."

"Read a few."

"Hi Alex. Was great seeing you. Totally surprised you not only outed yourself to me, but you introduced your partner at the same time. I know it's been a few years since we met last, but I never suspected. You are quite the chameleon.

My best to the both of you."

"Here's another one.

"My old friend Alex. Wow. You've come a long way from our few dates. You were so shy and hesitant. Now you're a bold warrior. Very impressive. Let's have a glass of wine sometime. As always."

"Who is that one from?"

"Jorge is a therapist from the Madison area. We dated a few times when I was first coming out. He was probably my most successful man in bed until I met you."

"What happened to him?"

"Neither of us was ready for more."

"Did you like him?"

"Yes. As a platonic friend."

"Do you have a picture of him?'

Alex scrolled through the pictures on his phone. "Here's one from our first date."

"Handsome guy. How old is he?"

"My age, give or take."

"It's nice seeing you enthused about him," Dan said.

"Am I enthused or just being polite?" Alex said.

"I like thinking you have a past with sex partners. Successful sex partners."

"Jorge and I weren't very successful. He was even more of an amateur than I was."

Dan smiled at Alex. He decided to let the matter go, but it was obvious Alex was flattered by the attention he received at the reception. Alex would be tempted if Jorge invited him for a drink. Why shouldn't he be? He had a great deal of confidence now. He knew he could be a good lover to a number of men.

"Dan, can I make a suggestion about Jerrad?"

"Please do."

"Send him a text every other day. Maybe just a few each week. Let him know you continue to love him and care about him. Nothing dramatic. Just a regular presence."

"I was thinking of something like that."

"Don't dwell on the fight. Make it forward thinking. So he assumes the lines of communication are open."

"Thanks. I'll send one later. Just hoping he made it back OK."

"But before that, let's have some fun."

They began kissing, and Alex said, "How about a long shower and even longer love making?"

"Yeah. I'd like that."

On their way to the shower, Dan grabbed Alex by the waist and kissed his neck. Alex stopped and let himself be pulled into an embrace. Dan licked the back of his neck, something that sometimes made Alex weak in the knee. "You know what that does to me."

Dan reached down and felt Alex hard in his sweat pants. "You are tenting sublimely."

"I've been thinking of you all day. As my partner who makes we leak when he seduces me."

"Did any of those men who sent the emails make you leak?"

"Of course they did, but they didn't get any of the real Alex Crowe in return."

Dan pulled Alex's t-shirt off, and licked the blond hairs on his shoulders. "That feels so good, Dan. Keep licking me."

Dan licked him to the waistband on his sweat pants, then pulled them down and licked his bare ass cheeks, which also had the thin blond hair coating them. Alex stepped out of his sweats and spread his legs. Dan kept licking down his thighs and upward toward his ass crack, pulling the cheeks apart, then across his hole. "O, Jesus. You'll have me down before we get cleaned up."

Alex turned toward him now. His uncut cock was thick and straight, with his glans protruding half way out of the foreskin. "I love your cock when your tip is barely showing."

Dan licked just the glans causing some more precum to spurt out. He stood and licked Alex's nipples which were coated with longer blond hair. Alex moaned and tilted his neck back inviting Dan to lick him there. When Dan licked the neck from side to side, Alex moaned. "O, god, I am so aroused."

Alex took Dan's hand and led him to the shower. He turned it on and stripped Dan, holding his hard cock as they kissed. They continued kissing under the shower, lathering each other, rinsing, kissing all the while. They dried off and Alex led him back to bed. Alex perched on all fours at the edge of the bed and offered his ass to Dan. Dan licked the cheeks then let his tongue find Alex's hole. Alex had become such a welcoming bottom in their years together, that he almost expected his hole licked before Dan slid inside...which he did now, easing its way in on a bed of lube. Alex's ass was so eager that he wiggled and twisted to feel the cock touch all parts inside his ass. When they fucked, Dan always took him. Dan was very aroused, but his mind drifted to the sensations he had when he was probed like this. Perhaps the times when Ben did it, though Ben enjoyed bottoming more than topping, but Ben would always accommodate him when he needed it. Alex pushed and pulled back on Dan's cock while Dan held steady. This was one of their favorite motions in this position. It was almost as though Alex was pulling the orgasm out of Dan, giving Dan so much pleasure especially on the underside of his shaft that he moaned and almost pleaded with Alex to take him. Dan felt Alex's cock which was rigid and wet. "Your cock has done that, Dan."

They moved now in motion, the prelude to their orgasm. Alex shortened the strokes with his ass, tugging on Dan's cock. Dan thrust his cock more deeply, letting it rest in the deepest position while Alex squeezed it with his anal muscles. "O, yeah, a couple of more squeezes like that. Yes, yes. O, Alex, pull it from me."

Alex did that as Dan reached underneath to jerk Alex. Alex shouted, "Come into me, lover."

Dan exploded inside him, and Alex shot forward onto the towel he had placed on top of the bottom sheet. Dan was perspiring, sliding on Alex's sweaty ass. They collapsed, Dan spooning him, his wet cock draped across Alex's ass cheeks. They were so worked up and breathing so heavily they couldn't talk. Dan pulled him close as Alex kissed his hand.

Dan whispered. "Thank you. I won't forget it."