Dan and Ben at Fifty-five

Dan and Ben at Fifty-five--Chapter Nine By Ezra Randle

Ben sat in his familiar chair in Alex Crowe's office. He had been seeing him occasionally over the past few years, and he thought their relationship had evolved into one of friendship rather than therapy. When he sat in this chair, he no longer thought about that era in his life that was defined by his depression or taking medications during the years just before and after Ellie's death. Those were issues from the past--long sorted out. "What's going on, Ben?" Alex asked.

"Dropping by to say hello to you, my friend. Understanding my insurance company will pick up the tab for this friendly visit. I'd also like to discuss one of my usual demons. Actually, I wouldn't even characterize it as a demon this time. Let's just call it one of my gateways to pleasure."

"And might this your desires for men?"

"You know me too well. I've been somewhat elusive about this in the past. The last time we talked about it was regarding my old friend, the musician."

"Are we still calling him `the trumpet player'?"

"Yes, I haven't seen him since the problem arose. Me sleeping with him to atone for my childhood cruelty. Haven't even gone to hear him play music. Which is kind of sad given how much I enjoy that."

"And your other old friend, the man who has been your constant reference point in dealing with your desires?"

"Haven't seen him either except for a walk and talk moment almost a year ago. We drop short emails once in a while. I still love him with my whole heart, but he doesn't want to see me because of my unpredictability. I'm too complicated for him."

"Meaning your unwillingness or inability to meet with frequency? Accepting that your desire for men is part of you?"

"Yeah. He affirmed all of that in our most recent meeting. Which was a serious moment of sadness for me. Like I've lost him as both a friend and lover."

"Did you tell him anything that might have made a difference in terms of your ability to accept this desire within you in a different way? I know you've been working on that."

"I couldn't. Other than I was very horny and wanted him, right there and then."

Ben laughed loudly. "He must have thought I was begging for sex. And I was to some extent. But more than that, I wanted to reclaim our friendship. But the friendship is so interwoven with our sexual moments it's probably hard to separate them out. It is for me, I know."

"He didn't nibble on any of your suggestions?"

Ben ignored the question. He had a brainstorm that might help Alex understand how his friendship with Dan and their sexual involvement were intertwined. "Did I ever tell you about the northern lights experience?"

"Don't think so."

"My friend. Danny is his name. No need I shouldn't finally tell you. It makes this much easier when I use his name. We were staying at a friend's Lake Superior cabin with an amazing beach. We were out in the water in the dark. Around ten. Touching each other and kissing. The water wasn't balmy but warm enough to stay in for thirty minutes at a crack. And all of a sudden the most amazing northern lights show crept into the sky and lit the place up. Reds and purples and greens and yellows vibrating all through the skies. We were blown away. Then we started getting chilled in the water, so we got out to watch the show from the beach. We laid down on some blankets and held each other. Then I asked Danny to fuck me, and he did for an hour. Spooning me with such love while we watched the lights. It was the most amazing sexual experience of my life. In his life, too. Like we were never going to experience anything better."

"Wow. When did this happen?

"A few years ago now. In August. A few days before I had the experience with `the trumpet player'."

Alex suddenly started acting very strangely, like he was not feeling well. "You OK?"

"I'm not sure. Your dear friend's name is Danny? That's his real name?"

"Yeah."

"Excuse me a moment. Be back in a few."

Ben felt like he was just warming up to tell Alex about Gary and how he had reached some breakthroughs regarding his desires for men. But now that seemed almost irrelevant. He got up and retrieved a bottle of water from the office refrigerator and stood by the window. Ten minutes later, Alex returned. "Hey, I was just getting warmed up, Alex. Getting to the good stuff. Sorry it made you sick."

Alex smiled and sat down on the couch. "Join me on the sofa, if you would."

"What's going on?"

"I need to tell you a story. It's about me. I think you'll see the connections when I'm done."

Ben sat a few feet from Alex. "First of all, I'm gay. No big deal. In fact, you're probably not surprised at all given the type of clients I told you I see. People with sexual identity issues," Alex said.

"Wow. You're right, it's not a big deal. But, yes, I'm surprised. Mostly because I've never thought about it. I figured you went home to your wife and kids like most people."

"I know your friend. Danny. I've known him professionally for many years. He refers students to my practice."

"Yeah. I knew that. In fact, Danny was the guy who gave me your name years ago after Ellie died."

"Right. I had forgotten that."

"I've talked to Danny about you. Years ago mostly when I saw you every week. We were in communications about Ellie and my recovery," Ben said.

"That would have made sense. Here's the thing, Ben. About a year ago, Dan and I became more intimately acquainted. As lovers. We're in the middle of an affair."

Ben looked at him like he's just spoken a foreign language. "You and Danny. Danny Morse?"

"Yes. That Dan."

"Fuck me. This is not some joke is it?"

"No. I'm telling you the truth."

Ben stared at Alex. "Are you guys in love or just having sex?"

Alex leaned back, and Ben could see tears running down his face. Ben's instincts kicked in. His authentic sense of decency and fair play. "Fuck man, if you two are in love. I mean, congratulations. I mean it."

"I'm probably in love with him, Ben. He likes me. He's a wonderful friend and lover. But he's never going to love me. He loves you too deeply."

Ben slip closer to Alex and slung his arm around his shoulder. Alex broke into sobs and leaned into Ben's chest. It took him several minutes to gain control of himself. Ben held on tightly until Alex sat up again. "I'm very sorry, Ben. I meant to tell you all this calmly. I didn't think I get overwhelmed like that."

"That's OK. I mean it's hard not to love the guy, right? Even though he can be a pain in the ass with his silent treatment and his I-can-think-more-deeply-than-you-can attitude. He's always been like that. Kind of a mother fucker that way with his mind games. Maybe he's not shown you all his true colors yet," Ben said, laughing all the while.

Alex burst out laughing. "You know some sides to him that I don't. He's always quite sweet to me."

"O, yeah, he's the sweetest guy. I say that with complete sincerity. And I've screwed with him over plenty. Enough for him to dislike me quite a bit. But he loves me. I know that. Always has. It's never gone away."

And Ben with those words recalled a passionate night with Danny. How Danny had said pretty much the same words. Tears came to his eyes. He got up and walked to the window. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his eyes. He had wanted to talk about Gary, but Danny was there instead. Like Gary said he'd always be.

He felt Alex's hand on his shoulder. "I'm OK. I just missed him for a minute," Ben said.

"Can I finish what I've got to say?"

"Chairs or the sofa?"

"The sofa please."

Before Alex had a chance to begin again, Ben said, "Alex, I just want you to take good care of him, OK. He's more vulnerable than he ever lets on. He's not like me in that respect. I'm so open about everything."

Alex shook his head smiling. "You're not going to let me talk are you?"

"It's my therapy session. I'm still paying for it. So, just take care of him. Don't do anything to hurt him. Like I have."

"I was going to say, I need to break up with him."

"Why would you do that?" Ben demanded.

"Because he'll never leave Jenny and I need a man to be available. For anything long term. It's not fair to me. And realizing he's your lover and friend just made it easier."

"Is being with him something better than you had before you met him?"

"Yes. Better than I've ever experienced."

"I can't bear the thought of you hurting him. I really can't." Ben started crying again. "Don't do it. Please. Don't hurt him like that."

Alex looked at him. Ben raised his hand, halting Alex from even beginning to speak. "That's what you're thinking of doing, right? You figured out he's the love of my life. And maybe I'm the love of his. And you're going to cut him off because you figured me out. Figured us out. Me using his pet name, `Danny' and, what, telling you about the northern lights made you realize that you have to tell him the magic you found with him is over. That's bullshit, Alex. It's too hard to find this good shit in life just to give up on it that easily."

The snot from Ben's nose was running into his mouth and he wiped it away with the back of his hand. "Fuck, Alex, hang on to what you've got. Don't you dare worry about me. Don't you dare worry about Danny and me. He's a big boy. He can handle us."

"Don't you miss him?"

"O, shit. I think about him every day. Sometimes, it's just hoping he's happy. Sometimes it's wanting to talk with him. Listen to him ask me questions like nobody else does. Sometimes I want his body close to me. It's all that. But I can march on. Somebody once told me. We are always becoming more. Each man we've been with makes us better for the next good one we meet."

Ben thought about Gary and he started wailing. He cried for ten minutes, his head down on Alex's lap. When he stopped, he sat up. He laughed when he saw what his tears and snot had done to Alex's beige trousers. "Somebody might get the wrong idea if they walked in. That wet stain. Or maybe think you need to wear a diaper."

Alex nodded and smiled. "I don't know what to say, Ben. I'm glad you're my last client for the day."

Ben stood up suddenly. "I'm heading out. Let me give you a hug, little man."

"You've never called me that before. Usually it's chubster or baldy."

"You've been maintaining your weight loss. That's good. So, something more appropriate was needed."

"Thanks, Ben. You don't need to leave."

"Yes I do. Give Danny a hug from me. I know you'll have a good long chat with him. Feel free to let him know what we talked about. Fuck confidentiality."

Ben strode out to his car. He had parked on the street a block from Alex's office. He paused at the car door and even clicked the door open. But he knew he needed to walk and ponder what had just happened. He took a left into a middle-class neighborhood. The streets were busy with children returning from school and moms and dads from work. He saw one young couple hugging as the husband rubbed his wife's very pregnant belly. A man about fifty exited his car and popped his trunk. He lifted a box and set it down by the front door of the house, and returned to the trunk just as Dan was passing him. Another man quickly came out of the house and headed over to the car trunk. They embraced and kissed quickly. Ben paused to observe this scene of domesticity. The couple turned to him and waved. Ben smiled and waved back. It could be done. Perhaps it could have happened for him like this. Ordinary people making momentous choices, but in the end, people were just people. Helping each other and trying to make ends meet. At night as they slipped under the sheets together and expressed their devotion to each other in ways that were variations of what he'd done with Danny and Gary. They made passionate love, fell asleep, woke up, setting another day in motion.

He wished he could see Danny and tell how he felt. But Alex would carry the message he had just expressed so emotionally in a truthful way. Without exaggeration. Perhaps there would be some drama. He hoped that when Alex completed his rendition of what had just happened, he and Dan would kiss and slide under the sheets and love each other. Like he loved doing with Dan, and more recently with Gary. At that moment he wished he was going home to either of them. He entered a small city park and sat on a bench. The later afternoon light filtered through the barren trees. The strong feelings of having been loved by a man and feeling deserted at the same time were rollicking within his soul. Just a thin line separated them. He touched the bench next to him and felt Dan's hand. He raised it to his lips and kissed it. Dan smiled at him. Their lips met and they held each other. The tears came again, a mix of sadness and joy that he felt every day.

Dan couldn't meet with Alex for another two days. When he came in through the porch, Alex was right there, to greet him. They kissed like nothing new had happened. "You made it sound like some emergency. Sorry I couldn't get free before today. Everything OK?"

"Let's sit on the porch. In the darkness."

Alex handed him a bottle of water and they sat just across from each other. "I'm going to get right to the point. I know your friend, Ben. You referred him for therapy years ago."

"Right. He has the highest respect for how you helped him, too."

"He's been a client off and on since his wife died. I saw him a couple of days ago, as a matter of fact."

"Great. How's he doing?"

"Let me tell you what happened. That will answer the question."

"OK. Nothing bad I hope?"

"Ben has given me permission to talk about our session. I figured out he's your lover from years past. He told me enough, including your first name, so it was pretty easy. Especially the night of the northern lights which you told me about. He was quite eloquent about that night by the way. He spoke about you with deep respect and love. When I realized I was talking to the man you occasionally reference, the man I can tell you still love very much, I just freaked out in a therapeutic sense. Then I told him we were lovers. I had to. I couldn't keep it a secret from him."

"Jesus, how did he react?"

"He was surprised of course. He hadn't even figured out I'm gay. Then I told him the best thing I can do is break up with you. I've been thinking about that more and more anyway. Nothing to do with you or how you treat me. It's just I need a man who is unencumbered. We've talked about that."

"Yeah. So, is this that moment?"

"Just let me finish. When I told Ben that the best thing for me is to end my relationship with you, he told me I couldn't. With vehemence. It would hurt you too much. That you pretend you can't be hurt, but you would be devastated. He said love's too difficult to find in this world. I shouldn't give it up if I found it. Because it wouldn't be fair to either you or me, but mostly to you."

"He said all that?"

"Yeah, he was sobbing. This was after I broke down crying earlier. He said you were the love of his life. Using that affectionate pet name, Danny. And maybe you're the love of his. Or once were anyway. But that didn't matter. You've moved on and we learn from the good stuff and become better for the next time."

Dan was stone silent, finally emerging from the shock of Alex's words. "Not a bit of anger toward me?"

"None. He kidded about your idiosyncratic personality. But not a drop of rage or bitterness. Dan, he loves you so much. It is just amazing. He doesn't blame you at all for not seeing him. Because you taught him so much."

"Shit. I'm practically speechless. Just the coincidence of all this happening blows me away. And the wisdom of what he said...well, I'm just shocked."

"You doubted his intelligence?"

"Never. He's like a diamond in the rough. His emotional intelligence is off the charts. He's brilliant in matters of the heart."

"Yeah. He's quite a guy. I've never liked any client better than him. That's the truth. I love him as a client. So, I fully understand how you can love him. And make love with him."

"I don't know what to say. Just tell me, is this still a breakup session?"

"It might have been. But Ben saved your ass, dear friend."

Dan laughed and shook his head. "Can we lie in bed for a while before you have to go?" Alex said.

They stretched out on top of the covers. Alex held Dan who was strangely impassive, almost unresponsive. "Ben asked me if I'd fallen in love with you."

"Did you say anything?

"I said I loved you. But that you just liked me. That's all you could do because Ben is the one you truly love."

"It's not possible to love more than one person at the same time?"

"That would be new to me. But I'm open to change."

"I've never said I love you because I didn't think it was fair of me. Given I'm married and not leaving Jenny. It was easier with Ben for lots of reasons. We both knew we'd go back to our families."

"That's fair."

"But I do love you."

"More or less than Ben?"

"That's not fair. It's never the same. It's always a different thing. From person to person."

"That's a very thoughtful thing to say. Something I might say to a client."

Dan laughed. "But not to yourself?"

Alex laughed with him. "I have my blind spots. How much time do you have?"

"As long as I need. It's the weekend and Jenny's away."

"Would you still like to stay? After all that?"

"Very much."

"Ben has a bunch of pet names for me."

"Like what?"

"He used to call me pudgy quite often. Or chubby. Or baldy when I cut my hair short. Today, he just called me little man. It was very cute. Perhaps you had to be there."

"No. I wouldn't have to be there. He is absolutely charming with his sweetness. Besides falling in lust with him when I was eighteen, he charmed the hell out me. Still does."

"Before we make love, let me say something. I mean it to be very sweet. So please take it kindly."

"OK."

"If you and Ben have an opportunity to be lovers again, please take advantage of it. It would crush me to know you turned him down because of me. Just putting that out there."