Dan and Ben at Fifty-five is a sequel to Reunion at Forty-Eight. Some characters from the past have continued into the new stories, some are new. Dan and Ben are still married to women, but their love endures as they evolve into something greater and different since they met to be intimate at age forty-eight. These new stories are part of the continuing saga of exploring how these two men can be friends and lovers. If you find yourself with too many questions about the men and their previous situations, you might want to read the early sequence of stories. Or contact me at miwisco@yahoo.com. As always, thanks to Nifty. Please support them. Thanks for reading.
Dan and Ben at Fifty-five--Chapter Three By Ezra Randle
Other than in short emails, Dan hadn't heard from Ben in over six months. Even Ben's annual birthday greeting email was simply: "Have a good day." He had been through this before with Ben and had been surprised in the past, but this time, he felt there was really no point in waiting. He did miss him, as a friend and lover, but was reaching the point where his mind was wandering again, thinking about a new lover. He knew he wanted the touch of a man on a regular basis. Needed it. He had lunch with his former lover, Leonard, and they enjoyed catching up, but Leonard mostly talked about the man he had been seeing for six months. A dear friend he saw every week. Dan occasionally scanned the dating sites, but didn't have the energy to search them very long.
He was in this mood of uncertainty and skepticism when he spent an afternoon cleaning and sorting the last remains of his mother's belongings. He had put the task off for years, frequently starting, then losing interest after sorting a few boxes. Even though nearly eight years had elapsed since her death, it was still difficult tossing out what he didn't think worthy of saving, which was most of it, into the wasteland of a landfill or more intimately burning the papers in a brush fire in his back yard. This time his effort got him through three-quarters of the boxes. He ruthlessly reduced the papers to just one large box. He had asked his brother, Darren, to help him with this task on many occasions, but Darren's response was always, "There's nothing more that I want that I haven't already taken."
In one of the last boxes, he came across a large unmarked 11x14 mailing envelope that he didn't recall pitching into her belongings after her death. To his complete astonishment, he discovered a series of unopened letters and greeting cards from his father. He sorted through them, arranging them by postage date. They were sent over a three year period starting right after his father deserted Dan and his mother shortly after Dan had turned seventeen. Most were sent during the first year, slowing down in the second, and then petering out during the third year. Without opening even one, his mind drifted to those traumatic days of his departure.
He was in his room the night before his dad left. His mother had already told him he was leaving the next day. She didn't tell him why. Dan had a job bagging groceries at Pic-and-Save and was gone most evenings, but that night he was home. His dad came in and sat on the edge of his bed. Dan was sitting at his desk, and his dad asked if he could speak to him. He was always a gentleman like that, even when he was giving Dan no choice. Dan was already very angry and totally confused, and didn't want to talk to him, but what was he going to say. He asked Dan if he knew he was leaving. Dan nodded like any surly teenager might. His father told him his leaving had nothing to do with him, that he was going off because he didn't love Dan's mother anymore. Dan had no idea what that meant. He had no comprehension at age seventeen that adults got together and stayed or didn't stay together because of love. So none of that really made any sense to him as they sat there. Dan's antagonistic feelings toward father prevented him from asking for more specifics. To this day, he still wasn't sure why his father left. His mother never talked about it after he moved out and Dan never raised the issue with her...or him. But, that night, his father tried to leave it to the most elementary of explanations--that he didn't love her anymore. In retrospect, that was wise on his part. There was an immense and powerful silence as they sat there. Finally, his father said, "I'll never forget you, son. You are the one I'm most worried about."
His turned even more solemn, so much so, that some of Dan's bitterness melted. "I still love you more than anyone in the world."
Dan didn't have the presence of mind to ask if that included his brother or not, whom he'd always assumed was his father's favorite. Dan was confused and so exceedingly sad that all he could do was listen to father. His father looked up at Dan until Dan lifted his face and matched his stare. It must have taken a minute or so before the two of them were matching eye contact. And then, in his lilting voice that Dan had come to understand and kind of detest, having gone through puberty, because it was not very manly, his father said, "Take care of your mother. She needs you."
Then his father paused, as he held back his tears, before he finally said, "Danny, I love you very much, and I hope someday you'll forgive me."
His father reached out his fingers and touched Dan's left hand, which was just a foot away, and said, "Goodbye, Danny."
Other than Ben, his father was the only man to ever call him "Danny" on a consistent basis once he reached middle school. Dan tolerated that pet name with his father, though he relished it when Ben used the same. His father rose and left Dan's bedroom. The next morning, when Dan got out of bed, his father was gone.
Dan reexamined the packet of letters. There were three birthday greeting cards with short messages about continued good luck. He recalled his father's presence at his high school graduation when Dan opened his congratulatory wishes accompanied by a one hundred dollar bill. There were forty-three short letters. Which were amazing in and of themselves as no one he knew wrote traditional letters anymore. The letters described his father's new life in Chicago, mostly focusing on the job duties at the insurance company and the recipes he was trying out in his bachelor apartment. But every note ended with an apology for leaving and an invitation to visit him soon. The apologies for leaving so abruptly usually ended with a sad wish that he would like to explain to Dan why he had been compelled to leave him and his marriage of twenty-two years.
His mother had captured the mail before Dan usually had the chance during those years, and without reading any of his father's notes, had hidden them away. He could only conclude that she needed Dan to feel her deep sense of anger, betrayal, and shame, and she had been very successful in her efforts. For years Dan had been too bitter to make any effort to see his father. He had seen him just three times since he was seventeen: his high school and college graduations, and his wedding. And, now, his memories of him were so vacant that he had very little interest in seeing him or even talking to him on the phone. For years, Jenny had called his spitefulness silly, urging him to seek him out and reestablish a relationship before either one of them died. His father was now eighty-one. From what Darren told him, his health was still quite good. But Darren rarely saw him either.
Dan carried this sense of loss, most of it in retrospect, quite needless, with him over the next few months. To the point where he wondered if he should seek therapy. Jenny scoffed at the idea. "Just pick up the damn phone. It's not that difficult."
Dan had no intention of attending the conference when he first received the mailing at the beginning of the school year. The title alone--"The Lonely Adolescent"--made him chuckle cynically, but he shuffled the flyer into his "to-do" bin only because he noted that Alex Crowe would be delivering the keynote address. A month later, he phoned Alex Crowe's office to refer one of his students. Surprisingly, Alex picked up the phone instead of his office associate. They quickly completed what Alex needed in terms of student information. "I was just reading about your presentation at the AFT conference in a few weeks."
"Yeah. Coming up soon."
"I'm attending. I'm eager to hear what you have to say. You've been very good for so many students I've sent your way. I hope we can chat a bit afterward."
"I'd like that. It's been a few years since we had an in person conversation."
"Could I take you out for dinner after your presentation?"
"I'd love to. Though I insist we share the costs."
They hung up and Dan immediately registered for the conference. He knew that a big part of the dinner invite was to pose the question to an expert: what should he do about his father?
The chairs in the lecture room were nearly filled when Dan walked in, just as Alex was being introduced, and Dan was forced to scramble into the middle of a row not far from the dais. This allowed him to become distracted by Alex's physical presence for the first few minutes of the speech. He hadn't seen Alex for a few years, but he looked quite different, and Dan couldn't figure out what had changed in his appearance. It wasn't the sport coat and tie, which he had never seen Alex wear, nor did he think it was his short cropped hair. Alex wore his thinning blond hair down to his shoulders in all the years he'd known him. His pared down look accentuated his retreating hairline, but not enough to account for the wholesale change in his appearance.
Dan's attention gradually turned to the content of the speech, much of which reflected a recent article Alex had written for a professional journal Dan read this past summer. It was impressive to see that this man still had a fire about helping the same age group he saw every day. A group he, with increasing frequency, had begun to care about less and less. Alex turned his attention to the questions from the audience for the final twenty minutes of his session, which he handled with insight and humor. The lecture ended and people to his right began to gather their materials, Dan impatiently asked them to let him ease through, and he approached the area where Alex was conversing with two members of the audience. When he saw them shake hands and bid farewell, he stepped forward. "Hey, Alex. Impressive speech. I enjoyed it and the article from this past summer."
Alex smiled and offered his hand. "Dan, glad you made it. I didn't really expect you to show for some reason."
"I'm still in the business--the lonely adolescent world."
"Most people in attendance are not school counselors."
At that moment, two women approached. "Excuse us, Alex, for just a moment. Just a reminder that the reception for the presenters will start in a few minutes in the second floor suite. Hope you can join us."
As they continued their brief conversation, Dan realized what it was about Alex that was changed: he had lost weight, enough so that his face had lost the double chin. The women said goodbye and apologized again for interrupting their conversation. "Thanks for waiting, Dan. I'd still like to do dinner. I have to attend this reception for a while."
Dan looked at his watch. "It's just after 5:00. I'm staying in the hotel. What if we meet at 6:30?"
"That would be perfect."
At 6:45, and just as Dan figured Alex would be a no show, Alex walked into the lobby, giving full attention to the animated words of a woman who was walking with him stride for stride. Dan was amused as he watched Alex trying to be as cordial as he could, but sensing that this woman could not interpret body language. After five more minutes, he heard Alex tell her he had another engagement and finally the woman departed but not until e-mail addresses had been exchanged. Alex turned to him. "So sorry. She just wouldn't stop. Mother of a former client who's currently in Colorado and not doing well."
"I understand. Happens to me all the time--often in the aisles of the local supermarket."
"I think I prefer that. At least then they can see that your ice cream is melting."
"You still have time?"
"Very much so."
"You hungry?"
"They fed us at the social event, but, yeah, a light meal would be nice. You don't have to treat me."
"I'd like to. Do you have any suggestions about where to go?"
"The hotel restaurant has very nice light fare. Moderately priced, too."
They were sitting for a few minutes, when Alex stood up and removed his sport coat and loosened his tie. "Damn, I hardly ever dress like this, and I no longer need a reminder why I don't."
When he sat down again, Dan asked, "Do you present at conferences very often?"
"This is the first in quite a while. I'm too busy with my practice."
The waitress came with menus and they ordered a carafe of a local wine. "How is your work going?"
"Very well. I can't keep up and have had to turn away some potential clients."
"Nice option. On what basis?"
"If they don't fit into the type of work I am doing these days."
"How much of your practice is dealing with adolescents?"
"It used to be well over half, but I'd say about a third now."
"What fills the other two-thirds?"
"Another third is traditional adult work or family therapy, often with families connected to the teens I'm seeing."
"Do you ever weary of working with young people?"
"Sometimes their issues seem petty--but I'd be the last to ever say that to them. I've had too many teens do something drastic over what part of me thinks is an insignificant problem. You must run into that as well?"
"Certainly. Teen mental health is a minefield."
The waitress returned with the wine. After she'd gone, Dan returned to his previous question, "What's the missing piece?"
"What do you mean?"
"The other third of your practice."
"Oh, that. A few years ago I started treating people who are very confused about their sexual orientation. For whatever reason, mostly through word of mouth, more and more clients have come my way."
"How did you get involved in that type of therapy?"
"I became interested after treating a few clients. I went to a few workshops and worked with several specialists."
"Any conclusions you've been able to make?"
"Not too many other than it's a pretty complicated. Sexuality is one of those things. Sometimes you can't live with it, sometimes you can't live without it. Usually people can't live without it."
They both laughed. "Not surprising when I consider how complicated our sexuality is," Dan said.
"Most people want to see it as no more complex than finding a partner--which is very mystifying by itself. Probably the only conclusion I'd offer is that for some people, at least the ones I deal with, figuring out the gender of the partner they want to be with can be very confusing."
The waitress returned and they both ordered salads. "I hardly recognized you. It's been a few years, but still."
"The haircut. The short beard. I've had a bit of a makeover. The guy who cuts my hair made a few suggestions."
"Have you lost weight as well?"
"Thanks for noticing. About 35 pounds. Which on my short frame looks more dramatic."
"What happened?"
"I treated a guy a few years ago. Very nice man. He would kid me relentlessly about my weight. Mostly because he battled the same issue. Then he left therapy. Very abruptly. Claiming I'd healed him. And he's doing fine. Just didn't need my services any longer. But I really liked him a great deal. Maybe you've experienced the same thing."
"O, sure, some kids just strike a chord. You look forward to seeing them. When they graduate, there is a sense of loss.
"As you might imagine, in my world, with the severity of problems I see, it doesn't happen that much. I really missed this guy as odd as that sounds. I felt like I was his friend, to a certain extent. So, when he left, as kind of a tribute to our friendship, I decided to lose some weight, just like he said he'd have to. I looked at myself in the mirror, naked after a shower one day, and said, some of this flab has got to go. So, I changed my eating habits--I used to eat compulsively late at night, so that was easy to change. Well, not always so easy to change, but easy to understand. I started eating smaller dinners, at home instead of in restaurants, then taking walks afterward which led to walking longer distances. A few months later, I bought a membership at the Alta Vista Health Club and go there three or four days a week. I guess the whole package is what's doing it for me."
"Congratulations. And keep it up. You really do look different."
"Thanks. Or I should say, thanks to my former client. Amusingly, he's started seeing me again for different issues. And when he saw me, his eyes bugged out to here and he said something like, "What the fuck, Alex. What happened to you?"
Dan had the sense he was talking about Ben, but likely he was referencing someone else.
Alex laughed and tilted his water glass toward him. As Dan smiled back, he could feel the pride within Alex. "Have you ever lost weight like this before?"
"I was always shorter than my peers growing up. I maxed out at 5'8" when I turned eighteen. And pretty bulky. I'm a little porker in every boyhood photo, and stayed that way even after puberty which often thins a lot of guys out. So this is a real breakthrough for me. But it's a devil of a beast."
"Good luck keeping it off. I go to that health club too, especially during the school year, so maybe we'll see each other."
"That would be nice."
They each had a small amount of wine left, so they clinked glasses in acknowledgement.
"Dan, I've really enjoyed our conversation. And with that, I guess I should get going."
"Could I detain you for a few more minutes? I've got a question for you. In the professional realm. Though it's about me."
"Yeah, sure. I've got a few. What is it?"
Dan gave him a condensed version of his discovery of the packet of letters from his father and the self-reflections he had been immersed in. When he finished, Alex said, "And you've not seen your dad since your wedding almost thirty years ago?"
"I'm embarrassed to say, that's the truth."
"Jesus. No wonder the letters knocked you for a loop. Have you called him since you found them?"
"I've had his number punched in at least twenty times since, but I can't push the call button on the screen. What would you advise me to do?"
"I'm not your therapist, just a friend shooting the breeze with you. But making the phone call, as hard as it may be, seems like a no brainer to me."
"That's what my wife tells me."
"So, do it. Maybe even go see him in Arizona. Life is rarely this simple, even though calling him doesn't seem like an easy thing to do."
"Yes. Your words are just what I needed. Thanks."
"Are you this stubborn about most things in life?"
Dan laughed. "I can be. But it all probably originates from him leaving me at seventeen."
"If you're going to continue with that line of thinking, I'm going to start charging you by the minute," Alex said.
They both laughed, and Dan said, "At least let me pay for our meal."
"It will be my pleasure if you did. Bartering my services for a delicious salad and wonderful conversation. What a deal."
They smiled at each other for a few seconds, and Dan realized how much he liked Alex and how he could be attracted to him in the right situation. He waited for Alex to get up and leave as he said he needed to twenty minutes earlier, but Alex lingered for a moment. He smiled again, then shook his head. Dan laughed lightly. "What's up?"
"Nothing really. I'm waiting for myself to get up and go home, but I realize I should be a little more straightforward with you before I leave."
"What do you mean?"
"Before, when you asked me why I got so interested in treating people with sexual orientation conflicts, I didn't tell you the real reason why I was drawn to that field. You're a very perceptive person, so you may have already figured it out."
Dan shrugged his shoulders. "I try not to make assumptions about people if I can help it."
"The truth is, I'm gay."
Dan was very surprised and not sure how to respond, so he tried to walk on safe turf. "Something you've known for a long time?"
"I was married to a woman. But I always knew I was gay but couldn't face it. My marriage made it all very clear to me, so after six years, we divorced and I began the process of accepting my reality. So, it's been my own struggle, which is still going on to a certain extent, that pushed me to this new type of work professionally."
Dan raised his eyebrows, hoping an innocuous comment might come out, but none did, so Alex smiled and continued. "You deserved a little more honesty since you've been so honest with me about your father. And because I've had a genuinely nice evening with you, it seemed like the only fair way to end it."
"I appreciate you telling me, not that you had to."
They walked outside together and said goodbye. He continued to observe Alex stroll to his car, hoping he'd turn around one last time, wondering if this was how men met other men in the real world. His sensibilities were agitated. He walked outside for a mile, then changed into his swimming suit to turn some laps in the large hotel pool. As he was drying off, he noticed a man heading into the sauna, a blue and white hotel towel wrapped around his midsection. At first he thought it was Ben. Just from his body type and thick hair. He realized he had jumped to that conclusion simply because he had become so sexually agitated during his conversation with Alex. He grabbed a towel and followed the man who was already perched on a top bench of the good sized sauna. Dan stripped off his Speed style suit and sat on his towel opposite of the man. "How was the pool water? I saw you doing laps."
"Water was a bit warm for lap swimming, but it's not common for a hotel to have a pool this big."
"I prefer the executive workout as you can see." The man chuckled and patted his chest and belly. He was overweight but not flabby. About Dan's age, though perhaps a bit older. He smiled eagerly. "Are you attending one of the conferences at the hotel?"
"Yes. The smaller one on psychological services for young adults. You?"
"We're kind of in the same business. I'm at the health insurance conference. Figuring out how to pay for mental health services is one of the strands at the conference."
"Do you work for an insurance provider?"
"Yes. Equus out of Milwaukee." The man opened his towel just a bit along his thigh, not revealing his genitals but teasing Dan enough to make him wonder. Dan felt himself slipping under the spell of his own curiosity. He wanted to see the man naked. To see how the man's body hair covered his genital area. He leaned forward to get a better view of the man, and the man, as though he were reading Dan's mind, pulled the towel free from his genitals. He smiled as though he were a veteran of this level of seduction. "You like?"
"Yes. I do."
Dan did he same with his towel revealing his somewhat aroused cock. "Yours is nice, too."
"Are you here alone?"
"I'm with a small group from the company, but they've gone off for the evening. So, yes."
"Me, too."
The man played with his cock and loosened his balls so they flopped free from the bench. "I was admiring your look in the speedos. My imagination started playing with me."
Dan laughed. "It can happen in situations like this."
"It's getting a bit warm for me in here. I'm going to rinse off in the cold shower. Be right back."
The man stood up on the floor completely naked and turned and pivoted around revealing his back and front sides before wrapping himself with the towel and heading out. Dan felt his cock and though it wasn't hard a few drops of precum perched on the tip. Should he just get up and leave, go back to his room and jack off? Take care of his desires that way?
He was pondering the possibilities when the man returned. "That was good. The contrast of heat and cold. Very stimulating."
"I'm reaching that point myself."
The man laughed. "It occurred to me in the shower, that I'm giving you the wrong impression. I'm not a dirty old perv looking for action. I like the male body. Believe it or not, I was into body building when I was in college. Wouldn't know it now."
The man stood near his bench completely naked and flexed his body like he was readying himself for a competition. "My form is a bit off these days," he said amused with himself. "And you, my friend, what's your interest?"
The openness of the question ruffled Dan. He wasn't sure what the man was asking. "I work out some, but nothing as serious as body building."
"Good choice. After I stopped it took me a few years to get my body to resemble something natural again."
They looked at each other. The man touched his semi-erect cock which was much thicker than Dan supposed it would be when he first saw him. "Do you like to play?"
Dan was silent. "Perhaps you are not as willing to talk about it as I am."
"Not in a situation like this. Some place more private.'
"Of course, this is just for teasing purposes. Would you like to come to my room? You can shower with me."
They grabbed extra towels to cover their shoulders and chest and walked to the elevator. The man was actually very handsome in full light. He had a day's growth of beard and a disarming smile. They didn't speak until they got off on the ninth floor. "This way. Around the corner."
The room was identical his, the bed somewhat unmade. "I took a nap earlier. Woke up feeling very horny. Come, let's shower."
They dropped their towels and soaped up. The man smiled. "Nervous?"
"Very."
"But it's not your first time. That I can tell."
"I have a little experience. Probably not as much as you."
"How do you know that?
"Just a guess. Based on your somewhat audacious behavior in the sauna."
The man laughed. "I was out of character. Prompted by my lust. Sorry about that."
He reached for Dan's cock and balls and soaped them up again, then turned Dan around and did the same with his ass. He hesitated with his fingers at Dan's ass. Simply teasing him with his fist full of fingers.
Dan rinsed and said, "My turn?"
"Please. I look forward to it."
Dan rubbed and soaped the man's genitals, running his fingers up and down the man's shaft. The man turned and leaned forward to the tile wall. Dan rubbed his fleshy ass cheeks. "Do you like them full sized like this?"
"Yes. Very much. Arouses me to touch them," Dan said.
Dan let his fingers slide inside the cheeks. When he ran up along the man's taint, he moaned. "That's my weak spot. The taint. I am utterly sensitive there."
Dan continued to rub across that hairy area and the man put his head into his hands along the shower wall. "You don't need to stop."
Eventually, his fingers slid back across the hole and he probed just inside it. "Let's dry off and lie down," the man said.
After they stretched out, their hands on each other's hips, the man asked, "Do you go by a name?"
"Dan."
"I'm Phil. Happy to know you. Feeling very fortunate I have."
He rolled on his back and spread his legs. "Would you rub my taint again? There is some lube on the table."
Dan lubed the area and rubbed it. The man rolled his head back, moaning and saying, "O, yeah. You know how to do it, baby. Finger me down there."
The man stroked himself as Dan slid his middle finger in and out. In less than a minute, the man was talking again, "Yeah, o, yeah, fuck my ass like that," and spurting onto his belly. His eyes closed and his head tilted to the left. As Dan watched, the man's eyes closed and soon he was snoring. He seemed to be sleeping deeply. Dan carefully stood up and found his bathing trunks. He slipped into them and wrapped his towel around his waist. He was about to open the door, when he saw the man's folder from the conference. His name was printed at the top: Eliot Simkins. Dan smiled. They hadn't even kissed one time. He walked to the elevator. Fatigue set in and by the time he was inside his room he wanted to go sleep and forget about Eliot or Phil or whatever name he'd go by tomorrow evening.