Dan and Ben at Fifty-five is a sequel to Reunion at Forty-Eight. Some characters from the past have continued into the new stories, some are new. Dan and Ben are still married to women, but their love endures as they evolve into something greater and different since they met to be intimate at age forty-eight. These new stories are part of the continuing saga of exploring how these two men can be friends and lovers. If you find yourself with too many questions about the men and their previous situations, you might want to read the early sequence of stories. Or contact me at miwisco@yahoo.com. As always, thanks to Nifty. Please support them. Thanks for reading.
Dan and Ben at Fifty-five--Chapter Two By Ezra Randle
As they had planned weeks ago as part of their long weekend together, Ben and Dan sat in The Trinity listening to the Duggins Jazz Group. But they were there mainly to hear Orvy seduce them with his cornet and Lorraine Duggins speak to their souls as she sang the ballads from the Great American Songbook. At the end of the first show, Lorraine announced a new song they were adding to their repertoire. "This is for Orvy's oldest friend who's visiting with us tonight. Some Cole Porter."
Jimmy introduced the melody, then Orvy caught it for a few lines, before Lorraine, so very softly and slowly, let go of the lyric.
"Ev'ry time we say good-bye
I die a little
Ev'ry time we say good-bye
I wonder why a little.
Why the gods above me
Who must be in the know
Think so little of me
They allow you to go.
When you're near there's such an air
Of spring about it.
I can hear a lark somewhere
Begin to sing about it.
There's no love song finer,
But how strange
The change
From major to minor
Ev'ry time we say goodbye."
Ben felt himself weakening as each line of the song flowed and with every repetition of the word "goodbye." He thought of all the goodbyes he'd made with Dan over the years, never knowing if one of them would be the last. And how difficult it was for him to return after each farewell. Orvy took a solo and turned the notes so sadly and joyously at the same time that an elemental sense of tenderness eased out of Orvy's lungs through the mouth of the cornet penetrating into Ben's heart. He felt like he was collapsing in his chair and gripped the edge of the table fearing if he didn't he would slide onto the floor. Orvy continued to carve notes out of the brass that Ben had no idea existed in the world of music. His solo was winding down, and Lorraine stepped back to the microphone to run through the words again when Orvy put his hand out asking the musicians to give him more run of his individual song. Lorraine backed off chuckling and the other musicians smiled and nodded with her as Orvy took Ben on a ride of such intimacy and solitude that he felt his eyes melt. He looked at Dan and hoped he was feeling the same. Hoping Dan understood why he had to say goodbye and praying Dan would be waiting for him upon his return. Lorraine's voice came through again but now the words provoked melancholy. The next time he came back to swim in Dan's arms, Dan would have found someone new. And that inevitability would break Ben's heart. When Lorraine finished, he joined the applause but he had drifted off like a lover caught too deeply in his emotions to talk.
During the break between shows, as the new audience replaced the departing one, Roland joined them. Dan and Ben were spending the next two nights with Orvy and Roland. Roland was not staying for the second show and asked if either of them wanted to go back early with him. Dan wanted to stay, but surprisingly, Ben announced he was feeling fatigued and would return with Roland. In truth, Ben didn't know if he could sit through another round of the songs and not feel this strong sense that he and Dan had no future. After their blissful days at Lake Superior, that was too much to bear.
After Ben and Roland returned, Roland suggested he head to bed, but Ben said he felt revived and was happy to stay up and chat with him. He enjoyed Roland immensely and rarely had time with him without Orvy present as well. It was as if Roland deferred to Orvy when the three of them were present. Often times Roland would leave them alone. While Ben had grown to love Orvy very much, he had come to realize over the years that he had a real sweet spot for Roland and wanted to become better friends with him. "Another drink?"
"Water is fine," Ben said, fearing that another beer would pull him back into the melancholic state.
"Let's sit out on the porch. I've been wanting to talk to you," Roland said.
"Something on your mind?
"Something you should know about. I don't know how you will deal with."
"Can't be that tough."
"It's about our dear friend, Orvy."
"Is he OK?"
"Physically he is doing just fine. But you have stirred something up in him. Each visit makes it a little bit more intense."
"You'll have to explain."
"Orvy should do the explaining, but I want to prepare you as much as I can. I told him I would if I had the chance. Since you started coming to The Trinity and especially since you've been staying with us, something has changed within Orvy. Most of it's extremely positive. Him claiming a part of his past that he assumed was lost and gone forever. But over the past year, he's become somewhat undone by your presence. The old stuff that haunted him for years has come back. It was there when I first met him. I thought it had gone away. But you've brought it back. Not intentionally, of course. The guardrails that Orvy erected to keep the past in its place have fallen apart to some degree."
"Are you talking about my role in his past? The cruelty that I was a part of?"
"Yes. I know you've apologized endlessly. But that's not been enough. He started seeing his therapist again. It's been ten years since he needed that. Now he needs to talk it through with you."
"I'm happy to talk to him. No problem."
"He'd like you to sleep with him. One night. So he can tell you everything in that intimate setting."
Ben was startled by Roland's words. "That doesn't seem appropriate all things considered."
"It doesn't have to be anything sexual. I don't think Orvy's expecting that. Just as friends. He's got it in his mind that will help him heal up."
"But you're his partner. Seems odd to me."
"I can share him. That's not a problem. Our relationship has seen things more challenging than this."
"What do you mean? You two are in an open relationship?"
"In a manner of speaking. We've been together for over twenty-five years. On occasion, we've had to spice things up to make it more interesting when we come back together. It's usually me with another guy since my sex drive is usually stronger than Orvy's. We always agree ahead of time if it's about to happen. It's not very often that it does. Does that alarm you?"
"Yes and no. I've read about this sort of thing. Dan is the only man I've ever seen. After Ellie died and I didn't see Dan for well over a year, he saw somebody for a while. But that seems different than you two doing it."
"We've been monogamous for the most part. And very honest with each other when we haven't been."
"I'm not judging you, Roland. It's just new to me."
"I understand. Whatever you and Dan are doing, it's an extension of what you know with women in terms of monogamy." Roland laughed. "And I'm not judging you two, by any means. I applaud you for listening to your hearts."
"And our dicks," Ben said.
Roland laughed loudly. "And this, with Orvy, will be very different. He's not expecting any sex. Just the intimacy of old friends. He keeps saying it would be like the two of you sleeping out in the tent in his backyard when you eleven."
Dan returned with Orvy after one. Ben had been in a fitful sleep for several hours, but woke up when Dan slipped into the king sized bed alongside him. "I'm awake. Slide next to me. I'd like to feel you."
"You OK? I was surprised you left the music."
"I'm OK. Roland wanted to talk with me. Funny conversation."
"About what?"
"Orvy. He wants to sleep with me. Tomorrow night."
Dan laughed, but after Ben told him about Roland's conversation, he said, "You know, in a funny way, it makes some sense."
"You're not offended? This is supposed to be our weekend."
"There has never been a plan with us. If it will help him resolve things, I'm all in favor of it."
"I've not been with another man since we've been together."
"It's not really sex. It's something different. Something more important. You don't have to spend the full night."
The next day, Dan was away for the afternoon and evening visiting his daughter, Marie, who was about to start her second year of graduate school at the University of Minnesota. Ben had been in and out all morning accompanying Roland while he ran errands. Orvy slept in which was his usual custom after playing a late night at The Trinity. Just after Orvy woke, Ben went birthday shopping for Maureen. She was turning fifty-one in a few days. They'd made an agreement to acknowledge each other's birthday but not make a fuss about celebrating them. A couple of book purchases would fit that level of celebration. He was wandering the aisles of Barnes and Noble's, looking at books on embroidery and antiques, thinking Maureen would find interest in at least one of them. He selected a half dozen and decided to sit and peruse them to pick out the best. As he wandered the store looking for a comfortable chair, he passed the section labeled "Sexuality," and paused, globally scanning the hundreds of volumes on the shelves. His eyes stopped at the books on gay and lesbian topics, and he began reading the various titles. He set the craft books at his feet, before pulling a volume on bisexuality from the shelves. After several more minutes, he gathered three new books and collected them together with the craft books for Maureen and continued his search for a chair. A woman rose as he approached her, and he let himself sink down into the soft cushions, setting the books on his lap. He made an attempt at skimming the book on hand-decorating wooden chairs, but set it aside and picked up the copy of the Hite Report on Male Sexuality, flipping to the back pages and the reports on bisexual experiences. He read several of the histories of the subjects of Hite's investigation and felt his eyes sliding shut. It wasn't fatigue exactly, but bewildering thoughts of what might happen with Orvy later in the day. It was confusing as well. No matter how often he thought about his forays into male sexuality with Dan, he always remained perplexed. Accepting his own bisexuality was one thing, but understanding it another. Why was he sitting here, in a public place, curious and even somewhat titillated by Sheri Hite's retelling of her subjects' ambivalent sexual dynamics? He always felt what he did with Dan was safe. Just the two of them exploring. No matter how profoundly he enjoyed and was moved by the sex with Dan, it was just the two of them. Old friends exploring another dimension of their friendship. But if the implications of the episodes in Hite's book were to be believed, there were many more men like him in society, driven by similar curiosity and desire.
His bemused wonderings slipped into drowsiness, so he grabbed what looked like the best of the books for Maureen, paid for them, and wandered outside. He needed to recharge his energy before returning to his date with Orvy, so he hustled up the street for several blocks. As he neared the parking ramp, he stopped in a coffee shop and ordered a café au lait and slice of pumpkin bread to go. As he moved toward the door, he glanced at the bin of Star Tribune newspapers from the early morning edition and grabbed several sections and sat. He set the bag of books on the chair and skimmed through the local news which had a story of a downtown development. He glanced out the window and recognized the buildings in the photo as those just across the street and was amused by the coincidence. Just as he was about to resume his reading, he took at the table straight ahead of him, ten feet away, and caught the look of a middle-aged man staring at him. He nodded briefly, thinking the man might have recognized him, then looked back down at the newspaper. His thoughts drifted from the news stories to the man and he furtively looked up again. The man continued to stare at him. He took a bite of the sweet bread and eyeballed the rest of the tables in the coffee shop. Most were occupied and almost all by men. Several pairs seemed to be talking in great confidence and one patted his partner on the hand as they laughed. He distractedly read the front page of the arts section, but quickly looked up again at the man at the nearby table. When the man returned his look, Ben grabbed his coffee and what was left of his bread and dashed out of the shop. He knew he was walking quickly and when he paused to throw the bread wrapper away, told himself he was acting in a disturbingly silly way. Suddenly, he realized he'd forgotten the books, so he began to walk back to the coffee shop. Before he'd gotten a few yards, he saw the man from the nearby table approach and greet him with a little wave. "You forgot your books. I was hoping I'd catch you."
He accepted the package, then didn't know what else to say except, "Thanks. How nice of you."
"Something like this happened to me last week. I got very distracted and left my backpack in a restaurant. Didn't realize it until I got home. Lucky for me, someone had given it to the waitress."
He was still at a loss for words and wanted to walk off without saying more. "Again, thanks. I need to go."
He offered his hand as some kind of gesture of appreciation, and the man shook it firmly and said, "I noticed you in the shop. You seemed a bit out of sorts. Is everything OK?"
"Yeah." And then he chuckled. "I hadn't realized I'd wandered into a gay coffee shop--that's all."
"Everybody is welcome, but you're right, people like me frequent it the most. When you glanced over at me, I thought you must have known, that maybe you were interested in talking."
"Sorry. I was just surprised at what I'd stumbled into."
The man nodded, and Ben walked off after another word of thanks. As he approached his car, he paused. That the man's intention was to not only chat but have a sexual encounter, and maybe that very night, was clear. Was he interested beneath the intimidation he felt in the encounter? Perhaps. If something more intimate than a chat occurred with Orvy, would that be the trigger that would allow him to seek out other man? Dan had an affair with someone not that long ago. Is that what gay or bisexual men did when they felt the urge? Visit a gay bookstore and hope for an encounter, even if it was for just one night, to soothe this urge.
It was not until later afternoon when Ben sat down with Orvy to tell him he was game for their evening together. "Roland said he talked to you. He wasn't sure of your response after you thought it through."
"I'm willing. I might even be eager. But I'm not sure what you have in mind. So, what's the best way to do it?"
"How about this? We head into bed about nine. Listen to some soft jazz music while we talk about your latest questions about our gig last night."
"You did play a few new songs. I'd like to know more about them."
"And if we feel OK, I can talk about myself and what's going on with me. If you have the patience to hear me out."
"I'm sure I will."
"Good. I'm heading out now. We're rehearsing for just a few hours tonight. We have a nice gig in Indianapolis in a month and are working some new material. I'll be back by nine."
He took a walk, trying to quell his nerves. When he came back in, Roland offered him a beer, but he declined. Roland escorted him to the bedroom he shared with Orvy and they sat next to each other on the bed. "Orvy called a few minutes ago. He will be back in an hour. Would you like to shower with me, to calm your nerves?"
Ben laughed. "I'm not sure that will calm me. You are a very handsome man, Roland. I might get very excited. I showered a little while ago anyway. I'll just stretch out and wait for him. Maybe nod off."
"I'll leave you to it," Roland said as he squeezed Ben's left hand.
He was wearing his walking shorts, boxers, and a polo shirt. He thought about stripping down to just his underwear, but realized he had no idea how Orvy would handle things when he returned. It was such unfamiliar terrain that he almost got up to tell Roland this idea was silly. If Dan were back, he might even suggest they pack up and drive back home. What could possibly be accomplished if he and Orvy talked? He tried to recall all the times he'd apologized to Orvy over the past few years. Ten at least. Those humbling experiences should count for something. He nodded off and when he woke, he glimpsed the passing figure Orvy heading into the ensuite bathroom. He ran the shower and came out wearing sleeping shorts and a t-shirt. "Hi. Good rehearsal?" Ben said.
"Yeah, it was. Quick and to the point. We went through a half dozen new songs. One of them was `Every Time We Say Goodbye.' The one we played last night."
"I was very moved by it. I suggested you play it a year ago. Do you remember?" Ben said.
Orvy laughed. "Of course I remember. Lorraine's wanted to do that song for years. But I refused to."
"Really. I figured it would be right up the group's alley."
"It's a long story."
"We've got all night. Tell me."
"Actually, it goes to the heart of why I want to talk to you."
Orvy laid back against the pillows on the king sized bed. "By the way, am I lying on Roland's side of the bed or yours?" Ben said.
Orvy giggled, reminding Ben of their laughter together when they were boys. "You're on the correct side. Figured Roland had told you that."
"Tell me the story about the song."
"When I was in middle and high school, I felt so bad about myself. It wasn't just the `Orvy the Queer' thing or you being such a prick to me after our friendship ended when we got to middle school. But that was immense part of it. All I felt I had in my life was creating nice sounds out of my horn. As I got more and more depressed, I started playing the trumpet for hours. Sometimes until my lips hurt. My parents insisted I rehearse in the basement as they were getting annoyed with my practice. But I was getting better at it as well. My middle school music teacher gave me special lessons. And told me I should listen to the pros. I asked him which ones and he said jazz guys were really great. Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, there were a lot of them. I really fell in love with Chet Baker. You know him?"
"Just a little. I've listened to him play the standards."
"He could play a mournful trumpet when he wanted to. Just like I wanted to emulate. Because I was feeling that way so often. When he sang, his voice had that same quality. You've heard me sing a few times. It's right out of Chet Baker's handbook. I'd fall asleep listening to him. And try to blow just like him. I actually got pretty good at playing his style. When I got to high school, the music teacher, Terry Bowker, gave me lots of solos in concerts and created a jazz group where he featured me all the time. One of the songs he insisted I play was the Cole Porter song, `Every Time We Say Goodbye.' Terry loved that song. Maybe you remember me playing it in a high school concert?"
"Nope, but I wouldn't have gone to concerts. Wasn't my thing high school."
"I associate that time in my life with that song. Saying goodbye to what I felt good about. Saying goodbye to you, my best friend. So when Lorraine suggested we add the song years ago, I asked her not to do it."
"What changed your mind?"
"Things got better when I got to know you again. I figured I could play the song with mournfulness and if the audience went along for the ride, it would do them some good. Since sadness is one of our elemental feelings."
"Worked with me, Orvy. I was incredibly moved by it. I got so sad I had to leave and come back here with Roland."
"That's nice to hear. That you could feel me as I played it. I was actually playing it for you last night. As kind of a warmup to us being here together. If you agreed to it."
"There must have been other things that made you feel bad about life besides what I did to you," Ben said.
"Of course. I was very late to puberty. Knowing I was gay when I was twelve before my cock was even getting hard like an adult. Never having a best friend throughout school. The usual teenage angst stuff. It wasn't just you by any means. But being called `Orvy the Queer' and seeing it written in the bathroom stalls or on the cover of my notebooks was the thing that stands out."
Orvy paused and rubbed Ben's arm and hand. "I know it's hard for you to understand all this just from hearing me talk about something from over thirty years ago. But it just crushed me, Ben."
The sob in Orvy's throat brought tears to Ben's eyes. He squeezed Orvy's hand that caressed his hand. "Sorry I'm breaking down like this. I suspected I would."
"It's all right, buddy. Tell it the way you have to," Ben said.
"Your apologies since we've become friends again have meant a great deal. I thought maybe I could free myself of the terrible memories by just being with you in your `new' form. But then the bad shit from years ago came surging back and I returned to therapy. When I asked my therapist if he thought it was weird to want you to be with me in bed like this to talk, he had his doubts. But when I said, it wouldn't be sexual. It would be like we were ten again and sleeping in my backyard in a tent, he thought it made some sense."
And then both of them started crying. Ben's tears initiated it, but both of them let the sorrow go from the depth of their hearts. "I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry. I had no idea."
"Do you understand why you did it?" Orvy asked.
"O, God. I was so immature. So needy to have a new group of friends. Football friends. I didn't think for a moment I was hurting you. That's just what I was back then. I didn't have the compassion I needed to be a decent young man. To say I was a prick, doesn't really explain it. I was just terribly, terribly uncaring. I should have known it would hurt you."
"And it was you who started the `Orvy the Queer' thing?"
Ben put his face on Orvy's chest and wept deep tears. Tears like he finally unleashed after Ellie's death when he had cried with Dan in bed. Orvy held him as he wept. After five minutes, his sobbing stopped. Orvy said, "I was supposed to be the one to cry like this."
"I know you've said you've forgiven me, but I want to do something for you, so you know I mean it."
Ben kissed Orvy's forehead and cheeks. He smiled into Orvy's face and said, "Come into my arms, you queer."
"What does that make you?" Orvy laughed.
"I know and I want to show you how much I love you."
Ben kissed Orvy's lips. Orvy, once he was over the shock, responded. Their tongues pushed against each other. They kissed for ten minutes when Ben said, "Let's take off our shirts."
Ben lifted off his polo shirt off, and when Orvy removed his t-shirt, Ben was surprised. "Did you have hair on your chest and belly like this in high school?"
"None. All this came afterward. It was an amazing surprise."
Ben licked Orvy's dark brown hair on his chest and belly. "Are your nipples sensitive?"
"O, God, yes."
Ben began kissing them with deep passion. Orvy wiggled and squirmed in pleasure. "Don't stop. O, shit."
Ben rubbed his hand across Orvy's shorts as he continued to suck Orvy's nipples. "Nice wet spot."
"Ben, you don't have to do this."
"Yup, I do."
Ben felt Orvy's cock through his shorts and began tugging them down. When he saw the length and girth of his penis, he said, "Jesus, when did it grow into this? When I saw you as a kid, it was just a puny thing. I figured it would still be small. Damn, Orvy, it's a fucking monster."
"Another gift of puberty. The revenge of `Orvy the Queer.' Most of those assholes who gave me such grief would die for a cock like mine."
It was longer than Ben's and almost as thick. "Wait, Ben, let me take off your shorts."
Ben was fully aroused and when he felt Orvy's mouth pleasuring him, he closed his eyes and let the nerve endings lift him. He had no idea how long Orvy licked him, but it was on a par with what Dan had performed on him in terms of pure pleasure. "Fuck, you've got some talents, Orvy. This have anything to do with what you can do with your cornet?"
Orvy laughed. "More to do with thirty-five years of practice with cocks."
They resumed their kissing, and Ben said to him, "Will you let me bring you to a pleasurable end this time? I would like to. As atonement."
"Don't think of it that way, please."
"But part of it is. I need to complete my apology."
He tasted and sucked Orvy as well as he could. He didn't think it would bring Orvy beyond the edge, but when he fingered him Orvy began to moan. Ben continued until he knew Orvy was close. "Into my mouth, please, all of it."
Orvy released and Ben tasted his semen, wanting to swallow it all and forever release his guilt at abusing Orvy's good name. He couldn't change what he'd done when he was fourteen, but he could do this to make Orvy feel he was finally atoning for what he had done.
When Orvy tried to return the favor, Ben said, "No. Rest on my chest. Accept me and what I've done. I beg you."
Orvy cuddled into Ben's chest until he fell asleep. After an hour, Ben pulled his arm free from Orvy and rolled away from him in the king bed. It was just past one, and Ben felt wide awake. He scooted away from Orvy as quietly as he could and sat on the side of the bed. Orvy was breathing deeply, turned away from Ben. Ben found his clothes using the light on his phone and left the room. He was disoriented. Not knowing what to do next and not wanting to wake Roland or Dan. He headed downstairs to the shower room off of the sauna, and soaped himself over and over. His actions took him back to the first time he and Dan had sex when Ben had reacted with revulsion to the oral sex they had completed. This was different. He understood fully how men made love this time. And he knew he was fully able to engage in man to man sex and feel profound joy and satisfaction. But what he had done with Orvy had crossed a different line. He didn't understand it.
He dried off and went out into the sitting room in the basement. Roland was sitting up on the edge of the futon bed completely naked. Ben hadn't expected him and jumped at Roland's movements. "You OK, Ben?"
"Yeah. I didn't realize you'd be sleeping down here. Sorry."
"I was just falling asleep."
"You can go up and sleep with Orvy. I'll head back to bed with Dan."
"Did you leave him in good shape?"
"I tried my best. I think it worked out."
Ben followed Roland up the steps and slipped into bed with Dan. Dan immediately turned to him. "You OK?"
"Not sure. But I need to sleep with you for the rest of the night."
"Come in."
"Cuddle me. Spoon me until I fall asleep," Ben said.
Dan moved into that loving position. "Do you need to talk?"
"Yeah. But I'll do most of it tomorrow in the car. Let's try to get out of here around eight. That OK?"
"Fine. One of us will be able to drive."
"Danny, hold me until I fall asleep."
Dan held him but Dan was the first to fall asleep. Ben lifted Dan's hand from his chest and rolled toward his side of the king bed. But he slept only sparingly through the night. What Dan could offer him could not pull him under.
Roland and Orvy came out to the kitchen wearing robes as Ben and Dan were having coffee. They chatted briefly and the farewell embraces were brief. Ben handed Dan the keys and asked him to drive. "Did you think my goodbyes were in good taste?"
"Yes, of course. I think they understood we wanted to get going."
"I mean with Orvy. How did he react?"
"Seemed fine, Ben."
"Good. Because I wasn't sure I could mask my feelings."
"Why would you have to?"
"It's complicated. I'll talk about it later. I need to sleep."
Dan drove for several hours until he pulled into a gas station near Black River Falls. Ben woke when they slowed down. "Wow, I was really out."
"Yeah. Didn't want to wake you with music."
"Thanks. I needed to get caught up."
"Want anything to eat?"
"I could use some breakfast."
They sat in the corner of the restaurant away from the customers. Midway through their omelets, Dan asked, "What happened with Orvy?"
"It was all going according to plan. If there even was a fucking plan. Because it was all just free flow give and take. He told me about his pain."
"From the high school grief he got?"
"Started in middle school and I was at the heart of it. With the `Orvy the Queer' stuff. I was the leader, giving him shit. Then it spread like wildfire to the other cool kids I needed to impress."
"You knew all that and have apologized for it, right?"
"Yeah, but apologizing is one thing. To hear him talk about the grief he has never truly gotten over was heart breaking. Broke me anyway. It's been with him all these years in one form over another. He's been in therapy because of it. Since I've been back in his life, he's been feeling it more. Which is weird because you'd think me apologizing and becoming his friend would make it go away. But it just got closer to the surface again. Like our friendship brought it back. And now he wants to deal with it. Once and for all. Which I can understand."
"He get you to cry?"
"Of course. Didn't take much."
"Never does with you."
"Orvy cried as well. When he did, thoughts of the pain he's gone through because of me just ripped me apart. How many other things have I done to wound people? Did I eviscerate Ellie and she never told me about it? How about with my kids or now with Maureen?"
"We all hurt people, Ben. If they locked people up for that, they'd have to build a new set of prisons."
"Anyway, there we were crying and me begging for forgiveness. Then my instincts took over. And we made love. He's probably always wanted me to kiss him and touch him, I suspect. But for me, because I don't really have a physical attraction for him like I do with you, I was doing it to make up for my past deeds. And I treated him well. Kissed him with passion and sucked him off like I'd do with you. With love and offering as much pleasure as I could."
"Jesus, Ben. I'm a bit surprised."
"Shocked the hell out of me. That I could do that."
"Orvy was OK with it?"
"He told me I didn't have to. I told him I needed to. So, yes, the little twerp loved it," Ben said giggling.
Dan laughed. "So, all's good in the end?"
"No. I don't know if I can look him in the face again. Or if sex and sleeping together is what he will always be hoping for when I see him and stay overnight."
"You can talk it through, can't you?"
"I don't know. I don't know if this thing we do is what I should be doing. Men loving men. You know I love it with you. But now it's spilling over. I never could have done what I just did with Orvy if you and I hadn't made such beautiful love so many times. Next I'll be sleeping with Roland. Then a three-way. Then I'll be like you, seeing other guys."
"I've only been with one more than you. Actually, we're tied now since you added Orvy to your scorebook."
"Fuck you. That's not what this was." Ben sipped his coffee and touched Dan's hand. "I'm sorry for saying that. I didn't mean to insult you."
"Are you ashamed of what you did with Orvy?"
Ben looked at him. "I am as ashamed as I can be of the pain I inflicted on him years ago. I'm not ashamed of what we did last night. But this compartmentalization which I've been doing for years, seeing you and carrying on as a married guy at the same time collapsed after what I did with Orvy. The fucking walls split apart. Like all the walls in my life broke down when Ellie died. I feel like things inside me are asunder as I sit here with you. I'm trembling inside. And I've got to get it together so when I get back home, Maureen won't wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I need you to help me over the next few hours. Letting me talk it out. Hope you don't mind, buddy."
They talked non-stop the remaining time in the car. When they exited the interstate at the last rest area before the return to Ben's house, Ben pulled into a stall. He reached out his hand and touched Dan's. "Thanks. Again. You've been so kind to me. You know I love you so much. And I feel terrible to have to say I don't know when the next time will be. Or even if it will be. I'm that mixed up."
"Will you at least stay in touch?"
"Yeah. If I don't, send a gentle reminder. I know I'll shed a few tears for you. But right now, I'm really fucked up. I'm thinking I might try to see Alex Crowe. He's been good for me in the past."
"OK. I don't understand it, Ben. But I've always tried to be patient with you. I won't make any promises or expect you to keep any."
"Well stated, Danny."