Dan and Ben at Fifty-five

Dan and Ben at Fifty-five--Chapter Ten By Ezra Randle

Ben received a copy of the invitation attached to Roland's email.

"Join us in a celebration. The Jimmy Duggins Jazz Group. Fifteen years at the Trinity Club. And with a new album: "Ballads That Move the Heart." Friday May 3. One show at 8:00.

Roland added the following note.

"Please come. You'll love the music. And Orvy really misses you. I'd like to see you, too."

He let the idea of seeing the show percolate in his head for a few weeks. When he emailed Roland that he was coming, Roland invited him to stay with them. Like old times.

The Trinity had expanded the seating area for the show. But Orvy had reserved Ben's special table close to the front. The meeting with Orvy earlier in the day was initially fraught with uncertainty and some tension. But that quickly dissipated, and Roland served a delicious late afternoon supper. Sword fish and new potatoes. Orvy's preferred pre-performance meal. Orvy drove down early to the show. When Ben and Roland were alone, Ben asked, "Is everything OK? Was Orvy faking it or not?"

"He was not pretending. He's mostly believed you couldn't visit us because your life got too complicated with work. He's been a little jittery since the last time you saw him you slept together. He doesn't expect that again, by the way."

"Has he remained passionate in bed?"

"Not as much as in those months right after you made love with him. But, yes, still very good with us."

"Did you tell him about you and me?"

Roland smiled. "Not a word."

"Thanks for that. I have no regrets by the way about what we did. It was so good for me at the time."

"Neither do I. If the opportunity arose again, I'd grab you and take another ride on that merry-go-round. It was memorable."

"I agree. To be continued at a later date perhaps."

"If we're lucky."

The Trinity Club was filling, and, in the lobby, there was a brisk business selling the newly printed CDs. Ben had his own copy back at Orvy's house. Orvy had played selected cuts earlier in the afternoon pointing out the songs where he had additional solos. It was lovely music and the studio setting seemed to have inspired Orvy's playing. The second set tonight would be, as advertised, a complete run through of the entire forty-five minute album, from beginning to end.

Ben and Roland sat together talking about whether Roland might accompany the group on some selected touring dates later in the year--in Indianapolis, Cleveland and Detroit. He didn't really want to go, but this was a big moment in the life of the group that meant so much to Orvy. The local reviews were already in. "Ballads That Move the Heart" was a critical success, and Jimmy Duggins was getting lots of calls to perform throughout the Midwest.

Ben was standing by the bar ordering a beer when he saw Gary. He approached him with a tap on the shoulder. "Hey, buddy."

Gary gave him a look of total surprise. "What the fuck...is that really you, boss?"

"In the flesh. Please give me a hug."

They embraced and kissed. "I've thought so much about you," Gary said. "To the point where I had to say, stop thinking about him. It isn't fair to Paul."

"Did that stop the thoughts?"

"Not really. Maybe I'm a little less in love with you. Just because it's over. But you still have my heart."

"How's the new position?"

"It's overwhelming because they expect so much from me. But it's thrilling. And they love me."

"Figured they would. And good with Paul?"

"Good enough. I'm not seeing anyone else. He still sees his other friend on occasion. And the sex is better. That makes up for some of it."

Gary stared at him as he touched Ben's hand. "I nearly had an emotional breakdown during my first two months here. Missing you. Fuck. That month we had together was just monumental."

"You should have reached out to me."

"What would that have done?"

Ben understood. "I haven't been with anyone since, Gary."

"Not even Dan?"

"He's seeing someone else. But that's OK."

"How long are you in town?"

"I'll probably leave tomorrow sometime."

"Can we meet for lunch?"

"I'll text if I can make it."

Commotion from the stage interrupted their talk and they agreed to chat at the next break. Gary pointed to the table where he was sitting. "That's Paul over there. He's a big fan of Lorraine. I am too. I've seen her a bunch of times. As a tribute to you and us."

Ben was returning to his table when he saw him from the backside, seated next to Roland. His knees weakened and he caught his breath. The feelings of joy and sadness that had been with him for months, rippling under the surface, tore through him. He moved closer to the table. Wanting to reach out and hold him. Jimmy Duggins began playing some slow chords and the crowd looked to the stage. He stood behind his chair without Dan noticing him. Roland had to turn Dan his way. When they looked at each, Dan stood and embraced him tightly. Jimmy Duggins noticed and tipped his hand to greet them. They sat down holding hands. "I don't know what to say, Danny."

"Save it until after the set."

"How did you know about tonight?"

"Roland sent me an invitation."

They looked over at him, a big grin lighting his face. "Ben, he's staying the house, too. You two will have time to get reacquainted."

Ben was distracted during the set. Occasionally, Dan's knee would brush against his, and he wanted to push against him. But he had no idea if Dan was interested. Should he reach under the table and rub Dan's thigh? Would Dan be offended? Their hands sat on the table, his right just an inch from Dan's left. He wanted to place his on top of Dan's, squeeze it lightly, and hold it throughout the set. The set ended and Orvy came up to greet them. Dan quickly asked him if he would arrange a quick hello with Lorraine. "Sure. Let's go right now before she breaks."

Ben accompanied them and gave Lorraine a hug. "You remember my old friend, Dan?"

"Sure. From a few years ago. Nice to see you again."

"The pleasure's mine. And you sound tip-top tonight. Better than ever."

"Ben, is this the way he always is? Buttering me up like syrup."

"He loves your music, Lorraine."

"Lorraine, my dad is a really big fan of yours. From the old days in Chicago, when you played at Froggy's."

"That takes me back. What's his name?"

"Larry Morse."

"Larry Morse! Jimmy, come over here a minute," she said.

"Guess who Dan's father is? Larry Morse from the Chicago days."

Jimmy broke out into a fat grin. "Dang, Larry Morse. That brings back some memories. Is he still alive?"

"Yeah. He's eighty-two. Living in Tucson. He plays your old CD all the time."

"He was the sweetest guy. Sometimes he'd dance with his partner, during some bluesy old song. What was his name?"

"Leslie."

"Of course. And they had a couple of friends. They'd show up at Froggy's together."

"Chester and Robert."

"Are those two birds still around?"

"They live near my dad. Retired and doing OK."

Lorraine laughed. "What did those guys ever do to deserve retirement? They didn't work nearly as hard as we do. Retirement. Shit." And then she rang off with a bellyful of laughter. "Be sure to say hello to them. Send all our love."

"They'll be happy with the new CD. Wish I were there when they listen to it for the first time."

"We'll dedicate one of our songs to them in the next set."

Ben left Dan, still in a confused state. Gary was at the bar waiting for him. "Would you step outside with me," Ben asked.

The air was cool but not cold, waking him from the daze he'd been in during the set. "Thanks for coming out with me."

"Of course. Who were the two men at your table?"

"One of them is Roland. Orvy's partner. The cornet player. Orvy and I go back to grade school days."

"He's great. I'm glad they're giving him more solos."

"Agree with you there."

Gary smiled. "And the other guy?"

Ben laughed at him. "Fuck you, Gary. Think you know everything?"

"You guys doing OK?"

"I don't know to be honest. Still figuring it out. I didn't know he was coming. Shocked the hell out of me."

"I hope it works out."

"Probably not some story book ending, but it will still be a good one."

"About tomorrow, since he's here, I don't expect to see you."

"Not sure about that. Could I ask a favor before we go back in?"

"What's that?"

"A big hug."

They embraced. Gary kissed him on the lips and Ben returned the favor. "I've been hard since I saw you," Gary said. "Paul will be surprised when we get home."

"He take you like I used to?"

"No, not yet. The sex is good enough. And he's such a sweet guy."

"Thanks, Gary. Please stay in touch."

"OK. I'll try to be better than I've been."

The second set started slowly with Jimmy playing highlights of a few of the songs during a five minute long medley. Lorraine came back out, and the group took their time running through the twelve tunes. For Ben, their updated version of "Every Time We Say Goodbye" was the highlight. Orvy ran with two solos and the crowd gave him some love midway through the song. Jimmy lightly ran a melody of a song that felt special to Ben as Lorraine spoke to their fans. "Ladies and gentleman, thank you so much for coming out tonight. Before we end it with the final song on the album, let me say a few words about it. It was suggested a few years ago by our dear friend, Ben. We resisted because some of us thought it was too sentimental. But when we played it the first time, a few months ago as the ending song to our show, the crowds loved it. So, Ben, take a bow, you knew more than we did."

The spotlight shone on their table, but Ben resisted the urge to stand up. He merely waved a thank you to the crowd. "Keep the spotlight over there a minute, Terry. Sitting next to Ben is his good friend, Dan. He just informed me his dad and his good friends are hanging out together in Tucson. They used to be our favorite customers back in the day down in Chicago when we were just starting out. So hats off to you, Dan, and to your dad, Larry, and his two friends, Chester and Robert. Tell them they're the best."

The crowd clapped again. Lorraine concluded, "And thanks to all you for coming out tonight. Some of you have been with us through all our years at the Trinity. Stick around afterward, we'll have a little party."

And with that, Jimmy rolled into the chords of "I'll See You Again," a song that brought tears to Ben's eyes every time he heard it. Jimmy continued riffing around the melody, then Orvy played the melody straight and pure, and finally Lorraine came in. Ben hadn't heard her sing it. They'd added since he had heard them last. She seemed to talk her way through the words, slowing them down, lingering on the consonant sounds at the end of each word. He was so moved that for the first time that night, he forgot Danny was sitting next to him. Orvy took the melody again and the notes pierced his heart. He shifted a bit in his seat and, as his knee brushed against Dan's, he looked over at Dan, and he was smiling directly at him, as though he had been throughout the song. He nodded as Lorraine stepped back to the microphone and sang the lyric one last time:

"I'll see you again,

Whenever spring breaks through again;

Time may lie heavy between,

But what has been

Is past forgetting.

This sweet memory

Across the years will come to me;

Though my world may go awry,

In my heart will ever lie

Just the echo of a sigh,

Good-bye."

At midnight, the two of them were back with Orvy and Roland. Orvy was exhausted and went to bed right away. Roland excused himself a short time later. "Would you like to sit downstairs and talk a while?" Ben asked.

"Yes. Very much."

Dan's overnight bag was already on a chair near the made-up futon bed. Ben's bag was in the second bedroom upstairs. "Are you glad we're sleeping separately?"

"Probably the best choice, Ben. Until we figure things out."

"Just so you know, I'd love to lie next to you for a while. To show you we can do that as friends."

"Yeah, I'd like that."

The queen-sized bed accommodated them well. "Nice moment for you with that last song."

"I didn't realize they'd started singing it in their shows. I haven't heard them since that weekend we were here."

"Why's that?"

"I've been incredibly busy at work. And I've got to keep my marriage working, just like you. Plus I had to figure out what to do about my night with Orvy. Which I have. He and I good now."

"I loved the song. It feels just like you, Ben. Has all your sensibilities. A nice bit of sentiment, a strong sense of time in motion, and of course such a lovely melody."

"I thought about you when I suggested it years ago."

"Nice of you. I want to thank you for what you told Alex. I can't tell you how moved I was when he filled me about your session that day."

"To be honest, I'm not sure what I said. I was so wound up when I found out you two were together and that he was considering ending it, in part, because of me. I was crying like crazy. Did he tell you that?"

"Yeah. And thanks for those tears. He was really moved. Your emotion saved us. Otherwise, I think he might have ended it."

"What did I say?"

"You told him he couldn't break it off. That it would crush me even if I never admitted it. That if you find love, you've got to keep it going because it's too hard to find in this world. That we are all better because we've been in love."

"Jesus, I can't believe I made that much sense."

Dan patted him on his chest. "You were so generous with your words. I was a bit shocked as you might imagine. Obviously, you've learned a lot from us being together."

"I've had additional help along the way."

Ben told him about his magical four weeks with Gary. "Wow. I'm really impressed, Ben. For one, that you were sensible enough to hold off with Gary until he left the job."

"FYI, that was fucking hard. Turns out it was like months of foreplay."

"Now that you've thought it over, was it just a wild romp of lust?"

Ben laughed. "Don't want to give me much credit? Being the sexual beast I am."

Dan started laughing too. "You are that. When we met for our walk and talk the last time we saw each other, your desires were practically radiating off of you."

"Yeah, I was very horny that day. This stuff with Gary came after that. But to answer your question, part of it was lust. Just like part of us was, too. But then something happened. Gary and I fell for each other. He's a very smart guy. Very perceptive. He was at the concert tonight and saw you at the table and immediately knew you were the guy I loved."

"Did you know he'd be at the concert?"

"Not at all. His partner loves Lorraine, and Gary likes this type of music, too."

"He moved on quickly."

"He knew his partner for months before we did our thing. So, they've picked it up after he moved up here."

"Two loves sitting in the same room at the same time. You won't forget this night."

"That's for sure."

"Danny, could I kiss you. Just to see if there's anything left."

Dan rolled to him and they kissed for several minutes. "You seem cautious," Dan said.

"What do you expect? I don't know about us anymore. I hope we can be friends at least."

"I promise to meet up with you for lunch or a walk when I can. I want to be friends, too," Dan said.

"Good. I don't expect your desires to just take off because we're here like this. I wish they would, but I'm in control of that," Ben said.

Ben could feel Dan beginning to nod off as he held him in his arms. He stayed awake hoping that Dan would want more. But then he slipped away and went up to his bedroom. He undressed and let his body fill the king sized bed, from one corner to the other. Hoping that would make him feel like Dan or Gary was with him. He smiled, surprising himself. By all accounts, he should have been exceedingly sad, maybe even with some bitterness mixed in. He wished with all his heart that Dan would walk in and snuggle up with him. Even if that was all that happened. Maybe down the road, months or years. Dan and Alex might not be together. He himself would be lonely and looking. Always pining for someone like Gary. Still trying to figure out who he was. He and Dan might meet magically again, at least for one night. He fell asleep with those sentimental thoughts.

Dan took off early the next morning to see his daughter at the university. Ben met up with him for coffee in the early afternoon. They had a tender goodbye with Dan promising to stay in touch. When they parted, Ben felt adrift. He sat on a park bench wondering what to do next. His bag was still at Orvy's. Maybe he should just go over there, say goodbye, and head home. He received a text from Dan. "I pulled over into a gas station and am sitting here wanting to send you a proper farewell. Ben, it was very hard to say goodbye. Because I love you so much. I'm not ready for more with you right now. But I can't forget you."

Ben smiled as he answered. "Thanks. Please stay in touch. Love you, too."

He was sitting in the afterglow of the notes when another text buzzed. From Gary. "How are you? Did it work out?"

He impulsively returned the text. "It was good. And now I'm free. Can I see you?"

Gary responded immediately. "Come see me. I'm at my apartment."

As he approached the door to Gary's apartment, the door was open and music from Lorraine's new CD was playing in the background. Maybe Gary had stepped out. Then he saw the note on the table. "Let's enjoy each other like old times."

The room to what likely was the bedroom was partially closed. He was tempted to peek in, but instead went to the bathroom. A pair of underwear sat on the vanity. They looked like one of his old pair. There was some lube and a butt plug. And a note. "Just in case."

He showered and dried off, almost like he was time traveling. It felt like their time together, but bits and pieces of the present still clung to him. He looked at the plug and inserted it. He knew he would be very tight if they got that far. The underwear fit. He was convinced now they used to be his. Gary had kept several of his during those four weeks.

He walked into the room, lit only by a candle. He didn't have to look down. Gary was wearing just his underwear. Ben slid into bed with him and touched the underwear, snapping the elastic back. "Were these mine, too?"

"Yeah. You OK about it?"

"Very. I told you I wouldn't keep any of yours. But I snuck one pair. I wear them regularly."

"Are they wearing out?"

"I'll take another pair when I leave."

They turned and kissed. "Maybe I'm being presumptuous. You had a night of unbelievable sex and now you're spent?" Gary said.

"I had an unbelievable night of friendship. But no sex."

"Sad about that?"

"Of course. But when I got your text I was very grateful. I didn't come up to Cities to have sex. Just to listen to Lorraine and Orvy. But here we are."

"Quite a tribute to you last night. You seemed embarrassed."

"I was. Very much."

"You're reluctance made you even more desirable."

"Fuck you, Gary. You shouldn't be this horny seeing Paul all the time. Flattering me like this."

Gary laughed. "As irreverent as always. I remember it well."

"Kiss me, please."

They kissed with tenderness first, then with more passion as it went on for ten minutes. "What's going on with your beard?"

"I'm keeping it at the same length it was when we parted in Madison."

"Now that is sweet of you."

"I'm glad you're here. But maybe after Dan left you, you're not in the mood."

Ben closed his eyes and Dan appeared. Naked. Aroused. Ben said, "Just go for now."

"What did you say?" Gary asked.

Ben laughed. "You weren't supposed to hear it. I was telling Dan to go away."

"He's still in your head?"

"He's a very cooperative guy. He'll disappear now."

They kissed again and Gary felt his chest and belly. "I've missed this image of myself, twenty years from now."

"I've lost a few pounds without your help believe or not," Ben said.

"Working out?"

"Some of that. I haven't been that interested in eating."

"Forsaken by love like me?"

They pleasured each other's nipples. "Paul is for shit with my nipples. I mean how much talent does it take to kiss and play with a man's tits?"

"What's he good at?"

"At letting me pleasure him."

Ben laughed. "Like that takes skill."

"He gives a very nice blow job. Sometimes he can even get me to cum that way."

"How do you get him off?"

"Fingering him while I suck or jack him. Almost every time."

"There's no interest in fucking?"

"He's essentially a passive lover with no interest in bottoming. But he's so nice, that I'm kind of falling for him. He's not my soul mate, like you. But he'll do. I don't have time to look for something better."

They licked each other, taking turns removing each other's underwear. "O, God, Gary. I have fantasized about your cock so many times. Eating it or taking it."

"Same for me. Your cock drives me to ecstasy."

They quickly switched to a sixty-nine position and sucked and probed asses until they fell back panting. "Gary, I want to give you what you want. Tell me."

"I know you had the plug in. But if you would make love to me, like you did at our last meeting, I would be so happy."

Gary rolled onto his back near the edge of the bed and pulled his legs back toward him offering his ass. Ben knelt and licked him. The ardor he felt from that pleasuring made him moan. He slid his lubed fingers inside Gary and onto his cock. He teased Gary's ass with his cock. Rubbing it across his perineum. "Ben, it feels so good. To give my ass to you."

"You're not calling me Boss or Daddy?"

Gary laughed. "Do I need to?"

Ben slid his cock inside. "My, you are loose."

"I was prepping myself earlier. Just in case."

He slid all the way in and Gary let his legs down on Ben's shoulders. Ben squeezed Gary's nipples and rubbed his chest. "You still like my body, Ben?"

"That's asking if I like my own."

"Do you still feel some love for me? Or is this just delectable sex?"

He looked down at Gary and his heart overflowed. He wasn't sure Dan was prompting that gushing or if Gary was his own entity, generating this response. The tears flowed unexpectedly. "You OK?" Gary said.

Ben nodded. "To answer your question, it's not just sex."

"Was it ever with us?"

"Maybe in the beginning. When we were just office mates and I lusted after you in my mind. Or when I saw you naked in the shower at the Y after touching you so often when we worked out. But not after we got naked together during that last month. I didn't know for sure until you moved up here. I understand it now a little better. How this magical thing erupted within me."

They turned into a spooning position and Ben rode Gary's prostate until he was moaning. "You're going to do it to me again. Making me cum with no hands."

"I just have a little bit left."

He pushed in and held it at the depths and erupted, weeping and laughing at the same time. Gary was rubbing his cum around his chest. "Want a taste?"

"Yes."

He sucked in what Gary fed him and then they dozed. When he woke it was after six. "Do you need get back? Are they expecting you?"

"Yes and no."

"I'd like you to stay."

Just those words brought the tears again. Gary pulled him in close. "You are very vulnerable today. Dan set you off, I'm sure."

"He did. But that's OK. As long as you can tolerate a big baby in your arms."

They nodded off and woke at eight. "Let me text them. I'll meet you in the shower."

As they sat with a glass of wine and cheese and crackers, Gary said, "Paul is very lucky you don't live in the cities."

"Even if I was married and could only see you once in a while?"

"Probably. Because you know," Gary said.

"Yes, I do know. I'm going to try to see you more if I can. Every three months maybe. Continue to see Paul in the meantime."

"I will. You might not be able to get away."

Ben stood up and let the towel drop from his waist. "Gary, Gary, Gary....what am I going to do about you."

They kissed so sweetly that Ben made Gary cry. They held each other, wordlessly, standing in Gary's kitchen. Lorraine's voice came through during their silence. "Gary, she says something in that song. Not sure if you remember it."

"I do. I thought of you when I heard it. `Time may lie heavy between, but what has been is past forgetting'."

"Fuck, Gary. You are savant. I bow down before you."

"Taste my cock when you do, please."

They laughed so loudly that it brought them each to tears. Ben wished at that moment he and Gary lived in their own simple universe. Gary took his hand and led him back to bed. "Wait," Ben said.

Ben reached back and took Dan's hand. "Just wanted to thank you, dear friend."

"Talking to him again, you fruitcake?" Gary said grinning.

"Yeah. But I know you don't mind."

Gary kissed him. "Not in the slightest."