This story contains some explicit scenes of erotic love between males. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
The story is set in the fictional city of Trenton, New Jersey. Yes, there is a real city by that name, but other than being a state capital on the Delaware River, it bears little resemblance to the city in this story. While a few of the places mentioned may exist in reality, all of the characters and events are fictitious.
Chapter Sixteen
Marcus came over on Sunday and we spent the afternoon together, starting out with great sex as usual, then a late lunch at the diner. We both seemed to be acting a little awkward toward one another, but I thought maybe it was mostly in my head. I wasn't sure exactly how much to tell him about my date. Obviously I wasn't going to say anything about the two hundred bucks Derek had handed me when he dropped me off at the diner Saturday afternoon, but it was hard to say much about him or the other people at the party without making it sound a little strange. So basically I just said it was a huge house party in New Hope and didn't mention the ages of anyone. Of course, I couldn't resist trying to make him jealous, so I made sure he knew I'd spent the night with my date.
He seemed just as reluctant to talk about his party although he did let on that he'd spent the night on Staten Island and came home late Saturday. I knew I was feeling guilty about Derek, although I had every right to date anyone I wanted. I wasn't sure if Marcus had anything he was feeling guilty about or if he was just uneasy about the whole situation. As we finished eating I decided we should talk about it.
"Look, Marcus, I know we decided that we'd wait until summer to see how things were going between us and if we should take it to the next level, but we really need to talk about our relationship as it is right now."
He seemed even more uneasy than before. "I know it was weird going to separate parties the other night but I still think it's too early to be talking relationship. What do you have in mind?"
"I don't know. I realize that you're away at school most of the time and we can't do anything about that, but we can control things when you're home."
"You mean like you want us to be a couple when I'm here, but when I'm away we can do whatever?"
"Well, that's a start."
"The problem is that I'm with my family a lot when I'm home and you can't be a part of that. And just because I'm on vacation doesn't mean my friends from school don't exist. I'm not out to them so it would be hard to include you when I see them, like at this party."
"I understand that your not being out puts limits on us. I don't like it much, but there's nothing I can do about that so I accept it. There are things you're going to be doing with your family and friends that don't include me. That's okay. We don't have to be together every minute. But how about we just agree that we won't date anybody else?"
"That's a pretty major commitment at this point in our relationship. Do mean while I'm here or all the time?"
"Why not all the time? I mean, you're not out to your friends at school, so it's not like you're gonna be seeing another guy there. I know you've said you go to that gay bar in New Haven sometimes. That's okay, I go to Buddies now and then. But let's just not do anything sexual with anyone else, okay?"
He was quiet for a long time. I didn't want to put him on the spot by staring at him but I wanted to see his reaction and I couldn't make out what he was thinking. He finally sighed.
"Look, I was hoping we wouldn't have to talk about this until summer and by then I'd have figured out what I was doing."
"Doing? What are you doing? What do you mean?"
"You've got to understand that this is all about my father and his expectations. You know how much pressure I feel to be just like him, to be a junior version of him. He doesn't push me but I know it's there. He's such a good man and he does everything right and it's so hard to live up to that. You can't imagine what it's like to have such a perfect father, Miah."
"You're right, but then I can't imagine what it's like to have any kind of father."
"Shit! I'm sorry. I know I must sound like a real baby whining about having a great dad. It's just that more than anything I want him to be proud of me and I can't think of any better way to do that than be just like him."
"I know that's why you haven't come out to him. You've talked about that before."
"Yeah, well, it's always been on my mind but I figured I didn't have to make any decisions for a while. But then I met you. I've never felt like this about anyone before. It's not just physical, it's everything about you."
"And that's a problem? I'm crazy about you, too."
He sighed again. "When I was in high school, I fooled around with a couple of guys. I also dated girls. I even had sex with a couple of them. My equipment worked and it was pretty good, but I preferred the guys. I have a couple of gay friends here who I go to Buddies with and I've had a few one-night stands I met there. At school, I've tricked with a couple of guys I met at that bar in New Haven. I figured I wouldn't have to make any decisions about relationships until later."
"Starting a relationship isn't anything you have to announce publicly right away. You can work your way up to it."
He leaned back in his seat and shook his head.
"Fuck! I really didn't want to get into this with you. You see, ever since high school I've wondered if maybe I couldn't find some girl that I felt strongly for, who I could have some kind of real relationship with, who would fit in with the kind of life my father would approve of. There's this girl Stacy at school who's made no secret that she's interested in me. And I like her a lot too. She's popular, cute, a little wild and fun to be with. She was the one who had the party the other night."
"You're dating a girl?" I couldn't believe my ears. We'd just made love an hour before.
"We went out a couple of times last month and then we were together Friday night. I'm trying to see if this could work for me. I thought if I continued to see her when I got back to school, I'd know before long if it was going anywhere. That's why I wanted to wait until summer for us to talk. I'd know by then if it was possible for me to live a straight life."
"But you'd be living a lie, not just to yourself but to her, too. What would you father think about that?"
"I wouldn't do it if it were a lie, Miah. I wouldn't fake it. If I really felt something for her, physically and emotionally, then I'd pursue a relationship. But if I didn't then I'd know I was totally gay and get on with that. I'll admit I'm less sure of being able to do it than I used to be. You've set the bar pretty high when it comes to emotional and physical feelings."
"And what am I supposed to do while you're working on this experiment? Sit here and wait, so when you come home you can have what you know you really want?"
"You make it sound like I'm being a real shit, but how is this any different than before? You had no idea what I was doing at school this fall and it didn't matter. By the end of next semester I'll know for sure what I want, what I can do. Then we can talk again, just like we planned. Nothing has changed."
"Nothing? You want to pursue a relationship with someone else and not with me. That's a pretty big change. I know what I want. I want you. But you obviously don't want me in the same way. So why don't you just go off with your girlfriend and figure out who you are?"
I got up, put some money on the table for my lunch and turned to leave. Marcus grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.
"Look, Miah. I know it wouldn't be fair to ask you to wait for me. You've got to do what's right for you. But if things don't work out with Stacy, and they probably won't, I'll call you."
"What's the point, Marcus? I've wanted you since I met you. You were always my first choice but I've never been your first choice. I'm not sure I could ever feel the same about you again."
"If it was completely up to me you would be my first choice. But there are other people in my life I have to please, not just me. I have to know for sure before I make any permanent choices."
"Well, good luck. I hope you find a way to make everyone happy. Everyone but me, anyway."
I quickly walked out of the diner, afraid I was going to fall apart before I got out the door. I broke into a run as soon as I was out of sight and didn't stop until I got to the rooming house. Once in my room, I collapsed on the bed and cried.
I didn't see Marcus again before he went back to school. He called me twice, but I didn't answer the phone when I saw it was him. He left voice mail messages pleading with me to try to understand but I couldn't understand. I tried to imagine what it must be like to come out to parents. I had no idea where Mom had stood on the issue of homosexuality. Being from the south, she probably hadn't started out in life being very tolerant. But having been rejected by her family over her own sexual indiscretion, I was sure she would never have rejected me. She would have loved me no matter what, I knew that deep in my heart. I didn't know Marcus' father very well, but everyone said he was a very good man. I couldn't imagine him turning his back on his son because he was gay.
Fortunately, my schedule got a lot busier in January. The day after the discussion with Marcus, Isabel Rodriguez called to say that I would be attending classes Tuesday and Thursday afternoons at the downtown campus of Mercer County Community College on North Broad St., an easy walk from my rooming house. While the classes and my at-home study would cover most basic subjects, we would focus mainly on English and U.S. History, the two subjects the state required of all high school students. I'd already lined up Norman as my history tutor. The exam for my GED would be in late May. Ms. Rodriguez said once I passed the exam I could start at the college in the fall.
That week I also asked Norman to take me to the local motor vehicle office to get my learner's permit. They gave me an appointment in early February for my driver's license test so Norman suggested we go out to the country two mornings a week and he would teach me to drive.
Business stayed good at Minho and Kate stuck to her promise, scheduling me to work either Friday or Saturday night of each weekend, plus two evenings during the week. Tips were good all three nights and I was easily able to make ends meet with just my legitimate pay. The money Derek had paid me for New Year's Eve remained my rainy day fund. I was even able to add a little to it each week.
The last Saturday in January I was working when Derek and a young woman about my age came into the restaurant. I was clearing a table in the back of the dining room as he spoke to Kate. She looked confused for a minute and then he pointed to me. She smiled and nodded and led them to my one free table. She left them with menus and took a bottle of wine from him. I finished clearing the table and took the dirty dishes back to the kitchen.
"So what's with Coy? Why did that guy who just came in call you that?"
"It's my middle name, Kate. Sometimes when I meet a guy and I'm not sure I really want to get to know him, I give that as my name. It's not lying, but it's not letting him get close either."
"You queens and your games." She shook her head.
"Yeah, like you dykes never play any games."
"Well, maybe. But you'd better get out there now and greet your customers or you won't be getting a tip no matter how close you are."
I picked up a couple of entrees and took them out to a table near Derek's and then went over to say hello to him.
"Hi Derek, how's it going?"
"Very good." He faced his dinner guest. "Courtney, this is my friend, Coy. Coy, my daughter, Courtney. She's visiting dear old Dad for the weekend."
She laughed as we shook hands. "I don't think I want to know how my father has a gorgeous friend your age, do I, Coy?"
I blushed. "No, I don't think you do. Kate will be back with the wine in a minute. Would you like some water? Maybe an appetizer while you're looking over the menu?"
She'd immediately guessed that I'd slept with her father. I was really embarrassed and just wanted to get away from the table. Derek didn't seem at all fazed, though. He ordered bottled water for Courtney and the flaming chourico for them to share. I was relieved when I got away from the table.
Courtney turned out to be very charming and put me at ease as the evening went on. At one point Derek went to the rest room and she confided in me.
"You seem sweet and I know Dad likes them young, but you're a little young even for him, don't you think?"
"Oh yeah, we're more friends than anything else. I'm definitely more into guys closer to my own age and he says he usually goes for guys a bit older than me. It doesn't bother you that your father's gay?"
"As long as he's happy, I'm happy. You know, my parent's divorce was the best thing that ever happened to either of them. Dad seems so much happier now, but I do wish he'd find the right guy to settle down with. I'd always thought of my mother as the original ice queen, but she's been seeing a nice man for over a year and I think she's actually in love. Now if I could just fix Dad up with someone. You wouldn't happen to know a stud about ten years older than you, would you?"
"If I did, I'd be dating him. Your father would have to wait until I was through with him."
Just then Derek came back and I took their dessert order. Later, Derek stopped me on his way out.
"Say, are you doing anything a week from tomorrow?"
"I don't think so. Why?"
"Well, I promised to show you around New Hope during the day. I thought we could have brunch and do a little browsing through the shops."
"That sounds nice. Call me and let me know what time."
Tuesday morning I had my driver's license test. Norman had been very patiently teaching me to drive and offered to let me take the test in his car since I was used to it. It was my only option since I didn't know anyone else with a car I could use. I wasn't about to ask Derek to borrow the Lexus. Norman let me drive to the motor vehicle office in Lawrenceville, a few miles north of the city. I was nervous about the road test but it turned out to be a breeze and I passed with flying colors. Well, okay, maybe not with flying colors but I didn't hit anyone or anything and they gave me my license. Norman suggested an early lunch to celebrate.
"Have you ever been to Princeton, Jerry? It's a beautiful town and it's only a few miles further up the road."
"I thought Princeton was a university, not a town."
"It's both. I'll give you directions and you can drive."
I drove north on Route 206 through an area of very expensive old homes. Norman pointed out the governor's mansion as we passed it. I didn't get much of a look at it because I was afraid to take my eyes off the road for more than a second. In just a few minutes we were in the center of town and I managed to find a place to park.
"You can drive back, Norman. I think I've had enough for one day."
"You're kidding. Most guys your age can never get enough. Don't you like driving?"
"Yeah, I do, but it's still so new to me and I'm not familiar with the roads. But it will be years before I can afford a car so I won't be getting much more familiar."
"It may not be that long. I'll take you out now and then in the meantime so you don't get rusty."
We ate in an old restaurant on the main street across from the university. I had a reuben sandwich and he had a Caesar salad. As I watched him eat I thought that I should probably eat something healthy once in a while.
"So it looks like things are going well for you now, Jerry. The job is good, you're getting adjusted to school and now you've got your license."
"Yeah, things are good, Norman. I feel like I've finally turned a corner and I'm on the right track now."
"You haven't mentioned Marcus in a while. Do you hear from him at all while he's at school?"
"Actually, we broke up, not that we were really going together." I explained about how Marcus was trying to please his father. I hadn't said anything to him before because I was embarrassed that my gay boyfriend had dumped me for a girl. "Are there really that many bisexuals guys, Norman? Rod, this hustler I know from the park, has a girlfriend. My friend Derek used to be married. Now Marcus wants to try a relationship with a girl."
"Back when I was coming out there was a saying, a bisexual is a gay guy who can't come out. Over the years I've met a number of bisexuals and done some reading so I do believe they exist as a separate category of sexual orientation, but there's a whole range. Some are mostly gay, some are mostly straight, some are pretty much in the middle. But they have one thing in common. They can choose to live a straight life if they want."
"Even if they're mostly gay?"
"Sure, if they have any attraction to women at all and they feel enough pressure to ignore their gay leanings. Myself, I'm totally gay. Never been with a woman and couldn't even imagine it. So if I were to try to live a straight life it would be a complete lie. Even so, there are gay guys who do that, though probably not as often now as years ago when coming out was harder."
"Is coming out so hard that people would rather live a lie instead? I haven't had any problems."
"Well, most of your friends are gay and you don't have any family, so your experience is somewhat unusual. But I agree that these days most of the problems with coming out start in one's own head. So many people expect the worst and so they don't even try to come out."
"I think that's Marcus' problem. He thinks his father will be horrified or at least very disappointed, so he's reacting to something he's put into his own head."
"Well, he should know his father better than anyone, but I agree with you. Malcolm Williams is a good man who doesn't judge others. And he loves his family."
"From the way Marcus acts in bed and the way he was talking, I have a feeling he's not bisexual. He's gay but he can't handle it. I think this experiment of his is going to fail."
"Would you take him back then?"
"I don't know. There's been a special connection between us since the day I met him, something I haven't felt with anyone else. I know he's confused and under a lot of pressure, some of it his own, but I've already been hurt by it and I'm not eager to be hurt again. If he decides that he really is gay and he needs help coming out, maybe I would try. I'd have to see."
"I'd hate to see you get hurt as well. Remember you can always talk to me about anything, Jerry."
"Thanks, Norman, you're a good friend."
Derek picked me up at the diner at eleven o'clock Sunday morning.
"So do you live in the diner or on the streets around it?"
"Actually, I did sleep in the park the first week I was in Trenton, but I've been in a rooming house a few blocks away ever since. I'll have you drop me off there later and you can see it."
We drove up along the river and I got to see it in daylight this time. I was surprised at how rural and beautiful it was so close to the city. In no time we were in Lambertville. Derek parked in a municipal lot next to what used to be a train station but was now apparently a restaurant and we wandered around the town. After an hour we were back at the car.
"We have reservations at the Raven at one and it's on the other side of New Hope so we have to drive. After brunch we'll walk around New Hope."
He drove across the long narrow bridge but unlike on New Year's Eve he didn't turn once we got to the other side. He continued on for another mile until we came to what looked like an old motel on the left side of the road. He turned in and parked.
"It's a restaurant, bar and motel, all gay. And in the summer they have a very popular swimming pool."
He led the way to a crowded dining room where we had to wait a few minutes for our table. He was checking out the other customers but I, as a restaurant employee, was checking out the place itself and their operation. When we were seated Derek ordered a mimosa for himself and I opted for just plain orange juice. I looked over the limited brunch menu and picked eggs benedict. I'd start eating healthy the next week.
While we were eating I got up the nerve to pry into his past.
"You said you just came out a couple of years ago and your daughter told me she thought it was the best thing that ever happened to you, so why did you take so long? And how'd you end up married in the first place?"
"It's a long story but I'll give you the condensed version. I've been fascinated with politics and power my whole life. Unfortunately, politics, in both parties, is pretty much a good ol' boys club. Sure, they let a few token women and minorities in, but it's mostly straight white men. Definitely no token fags. It was even worse twenty years ago. I knew if I wanted to join their club I'd have to be one of them, so I never even considered coming out back then. And while I was in college I lucked out in meeting Samantha."
"Your ex-wife?"
"Yes. She's from a well-connected political family in New York. It was a match made in political heaven. She saw in me a guy who was going places and would take her along and her family connections got me started."
"So you're bisexual then?"
"Maybe just a tad, but I'm really mostly gay. We had Courtney the first year we were married but after that our love life was pretty much non-existent. I put everything into my career and was hugely successful, building a great reputation on the national scene, making tons of money. Then a few years ago I had a health scare, a polyp that fortunately turned out to be benign, but for a few days I faced my own mortality. I looked at my life and didn't like what I saw. I was living someone else's life. I'd never allowed myself to even think about what I really wanted. So I came out and started over.
"We'd lived in Washington but after the breakup Samantha took Courtney back to her family in New York. I'd gone to Princeton so I knew this area and liked it. It's close enough to New York and Philadelphia for me to find plenty of work. In the old days I was a hired gun who would work for anyone who had enough money. Today, I only work for candidates and causes I personally support. Money isn't an issue at all. There are other things in life that are more rewarding."
"So do you wish you had come out when you were younger?"
"That's hard to say. I think it's a waste of time looking back and regretting. It's better to look forward. Samantha and I are good friends now, which is all we ever really were in the first place. Courtney is a joy to me and now that she's a freshman at Princeton I get to see a lot of her. So my life is good now. The past is what it is. I prefer to think of the future."
I thought about Marcus and his experiment and compared it to Derek's story. I hoped it wouldn't take Marcus twenty years to figure out what he wanted.
"So, Coy, have you given any more thought to a career as a professional escort? You could do very well, you know."
"Yeah, right. I'm a skinny nerd."
"You may have been a nerd in high school, but you've grown into a very cute young guy. And you're small, but not skinny. You've got quite a good build."
I thought about that. I still didn't agree with the cute part, but all of my working out was helping my body. I'd grown an inch since I left Chester and was now 5' 9". My workouts had added twenty pounds of muscle to my slight frame though I still looked slim. Although I still wasn't shaving, I didn't look like a kid anymore. That was one reason why I'd decided to keep lying about my age even though it was no longer a problem. Now that I looked a bit older, I liked being treated as more of a grown-up.
"You're a little hottie, you're good in bed and good company as well. Half the guys in this room have been drooling over you since we walked in. And they don't even know one of your greatest attributes." He looked down at the table that was blocking his view of my crotch. "You could make great money with just that schlong of yours,"
"I don't think I could do it, Derek. It's not like I have any moral hang-ups about it. And I like sex. I like it a lot, but I would rather do it with guys I like, guys closer to my own age. Even when I go out to Buddies and see a hot guy I don't consider going home with him. I really have to like the guy for it to be good for me."
"You went home with me that first time and I was a stranger."
"Yeah, but I was desperate for money then."
"Well, thanks a lot." He laughed as I realized how I'd just insulted him. "Don't worry, I know what you meant. But you haven't been desperate since then."
"No, but now I know you and like you. I wouldn't have taken your money for New Year's Eve if you hadn't insisted."
"Now you tell me." He laughed again. "I think it's probably best if we keep this relationship on a somewhat business level, though. It makes it easier to keep it all in perspective."
"Okay, then you'll be my only client. Besides, I couldn't be a call boy because I don't have a car to get to my dates. I just got my license this week."
"You're kidding!" His eyes narrowed. "How old are you anyway?"
"Nineteen."
He let out his breath. "At least you're older than Courtney." Not really, I thought. "All right, I won't push you into a life of debauchery. It's kind of nice having my own personal call boy."
We spent a couple of hours wandering through all of the shops and galleries on Main Street. It was a very comfortable little town. Most of the people on the street seemed to be day shoppers from out of town. Some of them were gay. I noticed several couples, both male and female. A lot of the people working in the shops were gay also. Derek knew a few of them.
In late afternoon we went back to his house and fucked. It wasn't quite that crude but I couldn't really call it making love. It was fun, aggressive sex, starting with lots of kissing and sucking and ending with Derek giving my ass a hard pounding. Afterwards, we cuddled for a while.
"So, do you ever get fucked, Derek?"
"I told you at brunch, I'm into power. I'm a total top when it comes to fucking. Why, do you like to top, too?"
"Yeah, I like it both ways. My friend Manny calls that being versatile."
"Another great trait in an escort."
"Derek! Stop nagging."
"I'm not nagging, just teasing. I not only understand how you feel about it, I respect you for it."
Later when he drove me back to Trenton I had him go straight to the rooming house. He kissed me before I got out of the car.
"I had a great day, Coy. I hope you did, too."
"Yeah, I did. It was lots of fun." I wanted to add that I'd like to do it again sometime, but since he was paying I didn't want to make it sound like I was trying to drum up business.
When I got up to my room I took the money Derek had given me out of my wallet and put it with the rest of my savings in my top drawer. I stared at the wallet a minute, thinking of Marcus, wondering how he was doing with his experiment. I wished he'd call and tell me it was all a mistake, that I was the only one he really wanted. I didn't think that was going to happen, not for a long time, anyway. And I wasn't sure how I'd react if he did call. I thought about what Derek had said about looking forward, not back. I dug into the wallet and pulled out a piece of paper, unfolded it and read it. Patrick Chang. He sure was hot and had seemed like a nice guy. Yeah, he lived in Philly, but that wasn't so far away and I could get there by train. Maybe he was my future. At least he'd be a step toward moving on.