He just laid there on the living room floor, not even moving to the foot of the stairs in the middle of the night like he normally would. Listless, indifferent. And most telling of all, he didn't want any food.
Mike was right next to him, performing the ritual rubdown that Tony always enjoyed so much, but there was almost no reaction from the black and white and brown fur. His knees were to one side, both on the wooden floor, leaving Tony to the entire rug that he seemed to claim as his last possession.
Until he felt Brad's knee gently dig into his back Mike was in a world of his own. Time seemed to be moving in slow motion. He was even able to separate out the whoosh of inhaled air one takes just before the words come out.
"You OK, pup?" Mike heard, as familiar fingers gently brushed his neck.
The response was subdued, as Brad expected. "Yeah, I'm fine. I think...I think it might be time...maybe..." He couldn't complete the sentence.
"I think it's time now, too. We need to take care of him." Brad said, completing the thought that Mike couldn't. There was no response at all this time, but he still waited before speaking again.
"We need to do this as soon as possible, babe, OK"
"Maybe we can just see if he rallies again, you know..." Mike said, his voice starting to shake.
Brad got down on the floor beside him. Mike didn't take his eyes off of Tony, but did move over ever so slightly to give Brad some space. "He wants to go Mike. He'll be happier when we help him do that."
Mike just kept looking down, motionless, before weakly shaking his head in acknowledgment. In spite of this, Brad was surprised how relaxed he looked, with none of the tension that he'd seen when Tony's steep decline had started.
With his eyes reddening, Mike wiped them with his sleeve. "Yeah, we should take...care...of him." He voice was now really beginning to break as he spoke, his accent more apparent.
"l going to go call the Vet." Brad said as he started to get up, his hand squeezing Mike's shoulder. "Do what you can now, Pup. I'll be back, OK?"
" `K." was all Mike could get out.
Mr. Campagna collected their cups from the table as Brad and Jill were about to leave his house, but then very conspicuously cleared his throat. It was in a manner that Brad suspected, and Jill knew, meant that he had one more important thing that he wanted to talk about. It had only been a day since Jill's news, and things were going so fast, with the surgery, surrogate search and everything else that Brad almost couldn't keep track.
"I'd like to talk to you about how you're going to swing this financially," his grandfather said. He had wanted to bring it up earlier, but knew that Brad, like his own son, was adamant about making it on his own.
He just looked back and smiled again at his white-haired grandfather. Unlike his own late father, who would get angry at these offers, part of a long-running series of personal battles and misunderstandings between Robert Campagna and his Dad, Brad just wanted to make it on his, or it should be said, their own. Him and Mike.
"Thanks again, Grandpa," he said. "But you know how I feel about this. I make pretty good money, and Mike is doing OK, so I think can make this work."
"But you've got a lot happening right now" his grandfather quickly responded. "You need to get a house and furnish it and also pay for all of the surrogate expenses, plus you want to take time off when the baby comes. Your firm is giving you the time off, of course, but your income is going to drop, and drop a lot, until you go back to work full time," he said, looking at Jill who nodded in agreement
"And besides that, I'd really like to help."
Jill kept her eyes on her Dad. She remembered the same discussions, years, ago, but in a much more manipulative and harsh atmosphere. But she could see a different look on his face now. He had learned a lot.
"I know you want to help, Grandpa. There might be a time when you can, but I'm not sure it's necessary right now."
There was a quiet moment in the room, with no immediate response from Mr. Campagna. He just stood next to his favorite chair, leaning into it slightly to support himself. But Jill could see his sharp mind at work. Unlike the anger he had when he'd argue with Robert years ago, an anger that made him say things that he didn't want to say, these pauses were from a chastened man – now calm and controlled but still determined about something he wanted to do. Not a good person to be negotiating against.
"Brad?"
"Yes," he replied, casually putting on his jacket.
"I've got a question to ask you."
"Go ahead," Brad said as he reached for his jacket.
"How are you going to feel if you get a call from a nanny or babysitter that your child just took his first steps but you couldn't be there because you were at work in some dumb meeting?"
There was no immediate reply from Brad. "Um, I don't think I'd like that, but I think I'll be there a lot, I mean, I kind of would like to be part time instead of full time, I mean, um, for a lot longer than a few months," he said stumbling for words, "but with all this coming so fast, we need a house and a lot of other stuff real fast...but we'll manage," he continued, avoiding a direct answer.
Jill watched Brad squirm. He was a smart guy, no doubt. After all, he was making a name for himself as a pretty good junior litigator. But now he was up against the master, one who'd learned a lot from his own mistakes.
"You can't plan those things or have your secretary put them on the schedule Brad. They just happen."
Jill watched Brad struggle with the zipper to his jacket, which he didn't need to use anyway because the weather was unusually pleasant for a fall day, A nervous detail her father no doubt also took note of .
"What about his first words?" he continued. "You want him to call the Nanny her name first before he calls you or Mike `Dad'?"
"No, Grandpa, but I think we'll see a lot of their growing up, I mean..." There was an almost audible swallow at he stopped in mid –sentence.
"Is your job that important, especially if you have the ability to have a choice?"
"Brad," the grandfather continued, but now in a much softer voice. "I'm not talking about setting you up with everything that you need, you'll have plenty to take care of and you'll probably still have to work. And besides, you're not getting all of my cash, not even most of it. Most of it's going to scholarships in your parent's name, in case you didn't know that."
Brad didn't know that and looked straight back at his Granddad, now focused on everything he was saying. He had even stopped fumbling with his jacket.
"But let me take care of the big stuff. Let me pay for this house. You don't have to do let me do anything else."
Jill had just listened and watched, in a weird way enjoying this exchange. "By the way," She said, having waited for the right opportunity to express her own agenda. "I'm taking care of the in-vitro costs and the surrogate mom expense too, Brad, in case that wasn't clear. I have a stake in this and every right to do it, and I'm not going to argue with you about that. Got it?" She said, in a way that presumed the answer she wanted.
There was a look of defeat on Brad's face, but it also looked like he was trying to suppress a smile. He drew deep breath before speaking. "I need to talk to Mike about this, OK?"
"Of course, Jill said,", plopping back in her chair after being on the edge of it for the past few minutes, a reluctantly acknowledging her weakened state. "Then just come back with a `yes'."
"This whole in vitro thing will be ready in a day or two. They've tried to accelerate some of the fertility stuff so that she has as many eggs as possible before her chemo starts. I guess the question is, will we be ready?" Mike said.
He then rolled over his back, talking into the ceiling as the laid in the bed, his hands now behind his head. "hmmm...It's funny, you know, but I actually feel ready. It's weird, I mean, I know we have a lot to do, and it wasn't the way we had planned it out and all that. But I actually feel ready. If it wasn't for the circumstance, I'd probably be really happy."
Both of them had torn feelings. Seeing Jill's condition was devastating, especially to Brad. In spite of the possibilities she had opened up, it came with the kind of price that Brad was really not willing to pay. Only her almost desperate insistence pushed them to move ahead.
But he still wondered if this would always be cloud hanging over the memories of having their first child. What would it mean when they thought back about this time? He didn't question his love – he just always thought that it would be pure joy, burdened by tragic circumstances. Now he understood somewhat how the surviving parent might feel when a mother doesn't survive or is injured during birth.
Brad turned onto his side to face Mike. Except for the light from the bedside clock the room was dark, but Brad could sense his presence just from the slight tip in the mattress from his weight. "Yeah, I guess so; I mean I know what you're saying. Actually, her prognosis may not be so bad, as least as far as her health goes. She has a pretty good chance of getting through this, if the surgery is successful."
"How's Grandpa doing through all this. How was he when you saw him and Jill today?"
"Generally OK, I guess. I really don't think he can face bad news from her, though. We mostly just talk around that part, so I know it's really where his head is at. That's one more reason I hope she makes it through things."
"Between everything else, he actually makes little comments about the great grandson, and how he's looking forward to it," Brad continued, with obvious satisfaction that he could do something meaningful for the old man.
"He's OK with the arrangements and all, too, I think. I mean, I know he's great about you and me, but actually having kids, and with Jill and all involved, he's behind that, too."
Mike could almost see Brad's smile in the dark. "Yeah, you know, I think it just seems like just another natural step and all."
"Oh and one more thing about that."
"Yeah?"
"Well, with all that's happening, what with the baby and the new house, he thinks we'll need some financial help."
"Well, what do you think? You've never wanted to take money from him."
"I know, and he understands that. He said I'm just like my Dad, who wouldn't take money either." Brad said with a chuckle.
"But?" Mike asked, sensing there was more.
"He kind of worked on me..." Brad said, as he then related the story of their conversation. When he was finished, he asked Mike about taking the money.
Digging his head back into his pillow before he spoke, Mike half smiled at the grandfather's strategy. `That old S.O.B. really knows how to get at Brad,' he thought.
"He was adamant about no strings attached, and really did seem like he wanted to this pretty badly..." Brad said, filling the temporary silence.
"We should take it, if you're OK with it Babe."
"Really?"
"Yeah"
"Why do you say so? I mean, I don't disagree, but why do you think so?"
"You know, from what you described of the conversation, I'm not sure this is for us." Mike started, not exactly sure how to say the complex reaction in his head. "I mean, it is for us, or course, but it's for your folks, too. And for him. I think he felt like he really blew it with his own son but you're the chance to make that up. It sounds like he tried to control your Dad with money and failed. He just doesn't want to make the same mistake with you."
"You know, it's kind of strange, huh?" Mike continued, shuffling around enough in the bed that he pulled the covers slightly across Brad, who felt the sheets drag smoothly over his skin. "Tony passes, but then Reese picks up the baton," Mike said, covering as best he could the emotion that Brad knew was there. "And now Jill, with us having the Baby, though I hope she doesn't follow Tony's example."
He felt the slight movement of air as Brad's hand reach over and stroked through his hair. "Me too. And I'm glad you're OK with the money thing. It really will help a lot."
After lying together silently for a few minutes, Brad got up and went downstairs to the bathroom. After he came back upstairs' Mike noticed that he just sat on the edge of the bed.
"Pup?"
"Yeah?" Mike replied, half asleep.
"Do you think I'll be an OK dad, I mean to you think I can really do this. I know you can, but I'm kind of ..."
The bed shook as Mike bolted up. "What's the matter?"
There was a pause before spoke. "I am really excited and all, but...I guess...I guess I just wonder how I'll be as a Dad. I mean, I didn't exactly have a good role model, and I've never done this before, but I really do care, I just..."
Brad felt a hand on his face, forcing it to turn toward Mike.
"Will you listen to me?" Mike asked, but not in a plaintive tone at all.
"Yea, of course, but..."
"Listening?", Mike said, cutting off the Brad's thought.
"Uh huh," Brad finally said, surrendering.
"Here's what I think. I think that you'll be the best Dad ever. It has nothing to do with how you were treated, or what's going on in our lives. It's because you care. You care so much. And that's the most important thing in becoming a parent, that you put that person first."
"But what if I make mistakes? What if I do something that really screws them up?"
"No one is perfect, Babe, and certainly no one is a perfect parent. And I don't think it's one thing that hurts a kid, at least not from people who truly love them. It's the overall life and love you give them, and you're a guaranteed success in that."
Brad's hands were now resting on his stomach, fingers crossed together. "I hope you're right babe. I really want this, but it still scares me."
Mike scooted over on the bed, getting even closer to him, finally wrapping his arms around Brad, who intertwined their fingers together.
"It scares me too, babe, believe me. But I know you'll be great at it." He said, but continued speaking, not allowing Brad to interrupt. "And you know what else?" he said, his voice getting even more firm and direct. "I can't imagine a better person to do this with than you."
******* "What does it say about the surrogate process and all the other stuff?" Mike asked. "I mean, how are they described?"
It was late in the evening, after a long day of their full-time jobs of Architect and Lawyer and part-time jobs of house-hunting and family planning, and they were sitting together on the living room couch, talking over the day like they always did. Brad could smell Mike he was so close. And he smelled great, at least to Brad. Especially after a really long day.
Brad, who had a stack full of books on the adjacent side table, told him that the process didn't look too complicated, at least in the broad outlines. Basically, it looked like three main stages. Selecting the egg donor, inseminating the egg and finding a surrogate mother to carry the egg.
They had the first one, and it looked like there were a lot of options for the second and third.
"What do you think? How do we chose the surrogate?"
"it's not exactly a decision you make on price," Brad answered, not able to hide a smile, "but we have to do this right away, so I think we might need to just do it on availability and who is convenient. We should get some references, first, though." He almost laughed to himself again, seeing how even something as significant, and even spiritual, had its practical and mundane aspects"
After a little giggle himself, Mike got back to the serious issues. "How's Jill doing today?"
Brad raised his arms put his hands behind his head, causing Mike to lean into him even more. "Well, the prognosis seems a bit better, but she's waiting on some more test results before they decide what kind of regimen for the chemo. The deadline hasn't changed, though, for her to start on something. She needs to get going next week. Grandpa and I will take turns driving her to the Clinic."
"Let me know if you want me to drive, or if you need my Mom, she said she'd be glad to help."
"OK, good." Brad answered as he watched Mike pull a manual off the top of his pile.
"Gosh, there's just so much here, babe. Do you need help doing all this?
"No, that's OK, Pup, we can just keep going the way were doing it. I'll handle the baby side of things, since a lot of it's legal and contract stuff anyway, and you do the house search which you can do a lot better than me?" Brad said, giving Mike a squeeze to the shoulder. "Is that still OK?"
"uh huh, sure." Mike replied. "Speaking of the house, the real estate agent called and has couple places for us to look at. I'll make a first cut and then we can take a look at a couple of them with my folks."
"When do I need to make my deposit, as it were?" Mike asked, unable to hide another smile.
"No later than next Monday, I think. That's when they'll want to take the egg. They can fertilize and freeze it, but we want to put that `bun in the oven' as soon as possible."
"I just needed one deposit of sperm you guys," the fertility clinic technician said, holding up the vial filled with Mike's viscous cum. "This looks like 3 or 4 deposits. It's all filled up." The tech declared.
They had picked the clinic because it was gay-friendly, in fact gay-owned, but Mike was still a bit surprised by the informality of the chatty technician.
"Um," he stuttered, surprised at his own reaction...that's just one, um... one ejaculation."
The tech looked down at the vial then up at Mike. "Holy crap!" he said, to Mike's embarrassment as Brad looked on, smiling with pride.
"But we'll have to see how many swimmers you got here," He added as took the container with him through the simple metal door to the lab room of the clinic. "We get a few gushers like this, but it's usually just compensation for low sperm count," he said with a slightly smarmy tone as he regained his composure.
"uh...OK." Was all Mike could answer, as the tech retreated through the `Clinic Personnel Only' door to a back room.
Brad reach over with both hands, stroking both sides of Mikes' arms. "Wow, so far so good. We got it out." Brad said as bent over and kissed Mike on the cheek before they took their seats in the empty waiting room. "You know, I'm so used to volume of your cum. You've always put out twice as much as me."
"I guess so," Mike answered quietly, "but like he said, it might look like a lot, but I hope I've got some real sperm in there," heeding the warning about quantity versus quality."
A few minutes later the tech came out the door with a slightly dazed look on his face.
"You've not only got a ton of stuff here, but it's about the densest sperm I've ever seen said as he then turned to Brad. "I think if you ever want to turn this guy out to stud that you could make some real good money. High volume, high quality. He's a smart successful professional, the kind of great profile that sperm shoppers love. Oh yeah, and way cute, too," he added, with a knowing wink in Brad's direction. "His stuff is white gold!"
The only person not looking forward to these new plans, was Niko, the neighbor boy and the guy's unofficial `nephew.' Normally an outgoing and popular kid, everyone had noticed a certain withdrawal during the last few weeks, especially when he heard about their search for a new house.
"Babe, what are we going to do about him?" Brad said on a Saturday night, propping himself up on the pillow. Since it was a weekend night and Mike could sleep in, he didn't feel anxious if he kept him up to talk. He almost didn't want to bring it up, what with all the things going on, but Niko was important to both of them.
"What do you mean?" Mike said, turning over quickly to face Brad. Mike hadn't heard about a conversation that Brad had had with Niko's mother earlier in the day, when she had come over to pick up some pastries from Mrs. Kovar.
"He's been something of a problem recently," Brad said. "According to his mom he's gotten pretty withdrawn, not himself. He doesn't say much about what's going on in his head, but she's pretty sure it's because of our move."
Mike laid[C. M.2] back in bed, now sitting up with his head against the wooden headboard. So many emotions tumbling about now. Planning for a child, but Jill's illness. What to do about Tony? Kurt and Hanna's upcoming child – and theirs.
"What do you think we should do?" Mike asked.
"I've been thinking about that." Brad said as he himself sat up in the same way as Mike. "We need to talk to him for sure, but I think we need to do more than that, something to get him involved. And for sure let him now that we aren't going to abandon him."
"Yea, not like that creep of a Dad that he had."
"Exactly. That's probably what he's scared of, that we're abandoning him, just like his old man did."
"So what did you have in mind" Mike asked.
"If this sounds OK, let's try this..." Brad replied, laying out his strategy.
Got your seatbelt on, Niko?
"Yea, Uncle Mike. But where are we going. My mom just said I should go with you," he said, his normally enthusiastic voice subdued.
"We're going to do some house hunting. You and me."
Niko was quiet for moment, but Mike could see a quizzical look on his face in the mirror. "What do you mean?"
"Brad and I are both really busy now. Between our jobs, looking for a house and everything else (Niko's mom had tried to explain to him about the baby, but he was still confused so Mike didn't want to get into that issue right then) we have to divide up the tasks. And since I'm an Architect and I work with buildings, it's my job to look for the house.
"But what do you want me to do? NIko was still subdued, but Mike thought it was a good sign that he was at least asking questions.
"I need help. A kid's point of view. I thought you'd be really good at it. Plus, I know that you'll be visiting us a lot, maybe even staying over. So I'd like to see what you think of the places we look at."
Niko suddenly perked up. "Can I really come over? And maybe stay with you?"
Mike loved hearing the question, but just ached in his heart for him. He was a great kid, an excellent student, very popular and seemed happy on the surface. But would he always have this anxiety about being left behind? `That fucking prick of a Dad of his,' Mike thought to himself.
"Of course. We won't be all that far away, you could even ride your bike if you're into a long ride. Or your Mom could bring you over, or we could pick you up. We definitely want to keep you around. Besides, you still need help with your footwork! Mike side, reaching over and tousling his hair. Mike wanted to coach kids someday, but right now only had time to tutor Niko for his soccer club.
"Wow, yes! this will be great he said, suddenly peppering Mike with questions about how to get to this new neighborhood he was looking at and what kind of places they would see.
"I thought you'd be ready for him now."
"Ready for whom?" Mike asked, looking over some of the title documents for the house they had bought, with a little help from Grandpa.
"Just look."
"It will be nice when we have the new place, with a little more room," he said as the put the papers back on the kitchen table. Turning his chair, he looked over at Brad in the entry into the hallway, the archway over his head, with a big grin on his face."
"What?" Mike asked just looking at his face. The concentration on the papers had been so intense he didn't notice anything at all unusual until he followed those beautiful blue eyes that were looking down at the floor. And a big smile came over Mike's face.
"Reese!" He yelled, getting down on his knees to look him in the eye, just like he did for Tony.
The dog was a bit shy at first, keeping near to Brad's leg, almost like a little kid. He warily approached Mike as he held out his hand, still not exactly confident
Wearing a mischievous grin, Mike looked at the wary pooch. "Just a minute, Reesy," he said, already starting with the diminutives. "I think I've got something you'll like."
Without taking his eyes off of the dog, he got up and backed up to the cabinet where they kept the dry food for Tony, who always insisted on a mix of dry and wet mix of food in his bowl. Mike reached behind his back, feeling his way to the usual food stash that hadn't been moved, even after Tony passed.
He took out a couple of small pieces, looking down at them first, then offering them to Reese, who immediately jumped toward him.
"Sit!" Mike said, hoping, and praying a little, that the response would be a familiar one.
Reese sat, but kept his eyes drilled into Mike.
"They said he was trained," Brad said, "But I wasn't sure if he'd know our commands."
"I'm not sure he in fact does," Mike replied, his grin getting bigger, " But he probably is just used to some kind of command or noise before he eats, who knows, but it's nice to be already talking," he said as Reese quickly devoured the snack, just like Tony would have.
The moment Reese finished he put his snout up to Mike, trying to push into his crotch for the best scent as Mike gave the pooch a scratch to the head.
"Did he learn that from you?" he said, looking up at Brad.
Thanks again for joining the story. Getting busy again in real life, but I'll try to get the next chapter out quicker. Happy Holidays!
[C. M.1]It is usually, in a daze' or in a world of his own'
[C. M.2]I would spell this `laid', but I have seen this form so often that I wonder if it has become an american variant. My dictionary, which usually shows such usage, does not include it but it may be more recent.