Confessions of a Fag Hag - Chapter 17 Diana Wimples
A couple of nights later, I ran into my friend Jennifer at The Triple R, the barbeque place where Drew used to bartend, and where we sometimes went to eat. I had gone for a good meal by myself, as I needed some time to study a little and gather my thoughts, and was reading a book when Jennifer and her partner Jenna came in. They saw me sitting alone and asked if I would like some company and I told them I'd love to have them join me. Jennifer and I had gotten to know each other better right after Drew came out, because I had so many questions, especially about being gay in the church, and Jennifer was a fellow seminary student with the two of us. So, we'd had some good conversations and when she brought Jenna to a recent campus party, I made sure to get to know her better too. While we were eating, Jenna invited me to an upcoming, "Prepare for Exams" party that the couple would be hosting at their house, also in the Fan. They lived not too far from Drew. I said I'd love to come, but needed to check my schedule, and we ate the rest of our meal with small talk and such.
When I got home, I made sure to look to see if I could go, and my Saturday evening was free. The party would start at 9. I was a little nervous, for I hadn't really asked them what type of party it would be. Jenna wasn't a student, she was a teacher in the local schools, and Jennifer had grown up in the area so had local friends. Therefore, anywhere from a full house of lesbians, to a wide variety of folks could be there. I hoped for the latter, nothing against lesbians, but I was nervous as to what might happen if I were suddenly in a room with a bunch of them. Not nervous because of getting hit on or anything, for, just like anyone else, I knew they wouldn't push me if they didn't feel I wasn't one of them, but nervous because of what I might discover about myself. After all, I had quite a, let's call it, um, interesting, relationship with Julia. I didn't feel like I could call myself a lesbian, for I wasn't sexually attracted to women, but I also didn't know what you would call what Julia and I were up to, if that wasn't the case. I definitely was attracted to men, look at my affection for Alex. Maybe I was bi, but knowing how gay Drew felt, in that he couldn't even see sleeping with a woman without getting grossed out, and how straight most others tried to be, I felt like I couldn't just waffle in the middle without making a decision one way or the other. It was unfair to those who had no choice, and made me feel like a loose cannon. I wanted a commitment, not a "this today" "that tomorrow" type of life. Soon, I would have to figure it out, and I was half afraid that going to this party would throw me in the opposite direction from that toward which I was currently leaning.
The week passed uneventfully. We all had dinner together Friday night, but for the most part just ran into each other now and then during the week because classes kept us so busy, especially since it was between Thanksgiving Break and Exams. Soon, Saturday was here and the evening was quickly approaching. Drew had gone home for the weekend to Portland, as he had to meet with his church's ministry board for something or other, and Julia had holed up in her room to prepare for exams all week, so I had no idea what she was doing. The kittens were probably keeping her pretty busy too. I didn't know if I'd see her at the party or not, for she didn't really know Jennifer all that well. I really wished Drew were here to go with me. I almost invited Alex and Evan, but felt they might be uncomfortable around people they knew. I did call, though, and found out Alex was under the weather with a sinus infection, so didn't even mention it. The evening passed as I waited for 9 p.m. and I sat down to read a good book. I got really involved with the book and kinda was putting off looking at the clock, halfway wanting to just stay home for the evening. Suddenly, the phone rang and it was Drew.
"Why are you still at home?" He asked.
"What do you mean?" I responded, trying to act dumb. "Why are you calling me at, oh gosh, it's 11 p.m. already!"
"Exactly, you should be out at that party!"
"Oh, yeah, the party . . ." I hemmed and hawed a little bit.
"Go, Diana. It'll be good for you. You can call me after if you need to, well if it's not too late . . ." he changed his mind, probably realizing it was 11 now, and I might not get back until 1 or 2 a.m. "You can e-mail me all about it . . ."
"I wish you were here to go with me."
"You'll be fine. It'll be good for you to go by yourself. Meet some new friends," I could hear him smiling.
"That's what I am afraid of," I smiled back. "Okay. I'm dressed; I just need to get in the car and drive. I'll talk to you later," I said.
"Good luck. You'll have fun, I know you will." And he hung up.
I pulled on my coat, hoping the party hadn't ended yet, but knowing it was probably just getting going full strength, and walked out to the car. While I let it run to warm up a minute, shivering, I convinced myself to go with an open mind, and that it would be fun. I would have fun . . .
A few minutes later, after having successfully found Jennifer and Jenna's house, and after successfully parallel parking after only one try, I felt confident and ready to enjoy myself. I walked up and some people were talking outside.
"Still going strong in there?" I asked, going up the stairs to the porch.
"Oh yeah, go on in." They responded.
I knocked and opened the door. The living room was full, both men and women, and the first person I saw was David. David was someone I knew!
"Hey there!" I smiled.
"Oh, it's great to see you, Diana," David effused, reaching out and giving me a hug. "You, me, and Jennifer are the only seminary students here, but that's ok."
David was a first year student, also a gay man, and I didn't know him very well, but did know he was very sweet. I had also gotten to know him better, like Jennifer, after Drew had come out. It opened a whole new world for me, as far as friendships were concerned, because prior to that event, I wasn't necessarily anti- or pro-homosexuality, but more or less on the fence as far as marriage, ordination, and all that was concerned. When someone I loved like my brother came out, I knew that I had made my choice as to which side I was going to stand on, and so I began seeking information and community in that regard. Through that, I got to know Jennifer and David a lot better, and was enjoying the relationships.
"Did you bring Jack?" Jack was David's partner, but he lived a half-hour away in Boston and was a graduate student there. He wasn't so sure about David's seminary career, but he supported him and they visited on weekends.
"No, he hates social situations, so I couldn't convince him to come," David frowned.
"Oh shucks! I still need to meet him soon." I replied.
"We'll just have to get together as a smaller group sometime, then he'll come."
"Sounds good. Have you seen Jennifer?"
"J's in the back somewhere."
So, I walked towards the back of the apartment, looking for J, as Jenna and their gay and lesbian friends called Jennifer. On the way, I passed the room where people were dancing, yep, a bunch of ladies dancing together, and ran into Jenna along the way.
"Diana, I'm so glad you made it!" She smiled at me. A beautiful woman with a strong presence, Jenna looked like she was having fun. She was also quite the artist, and her work was hanging everywhere. She used great colors, but more interesting than that were the themes she used, which J had told me about. Virgin Marys with Medusa hair and burning hearts, and much lesbian-esque imagery that definitely spoke of her strong sexual preference. It was something I had not experienced before, even though I'd almost gone to one of her art shows, but it was an intriguing experience.
"Thanks for inviting me. Your art is fascinating, Jenna!" I smiled at her.
"Hmm, fascinating isn't a word that I've heard used before. Usually, 'Great!' Or 'Disturbing' but not so much 'Fascinating,'" she laughed. "Thanks, I think."
"Hey Diana!" J came out of the kitchen and saw me.
David had come back too and we three stood around talking with Jenna went off to dance. A few of J's high school friends came in and introduced themselves, and I quickly figured out they were straight, as they were talking about their fiancés and husbands. For the next bit we all chatted and had small talk. We joked about "beautiful people," or people of both sexes we found attractive, the phrase was coined by Drew for movie watching and "beautiful people" spotting in said movies. Dale of course had fun as we listed men, and J contributed women. Of course both listed people of either sex, but it was cute seeing whom in Hollywood both found attractive.
Eventually folks began to go home. I had, after all, arrived two hours late. About midnight the room cleared out of all of J's high school buddies and all that were left were what I guessed to be lesbians. Having never hung out with gay women, and curious, I remained as well. I wanted to get to know Jenna a little better too.
A little while later, as we're all sitting around the room chatting, the talk dies down momentarily. Jenna suddenly turns to me and says, "Diana, do you have lesbian tendencies?"
"Why, Jenna, yes, I do." I quickly respond. I cannot lie about it. I will readily admit it, for I know what I've written, done, and considered. Julia is there in my mind, fresh and present and wonderful. "Why do you ask?"
By this point, Jenna had been drawn into other conversation, so J leans over and says, "Diana, the men that you've fallen for have been gay. That's a sign that you like more effeminate men, and so it made Jenna curious."
"Actually," Jenna rejoined our conversation, "It is because you are the only straight woman I know who would remain to hang out with a room full of lesbians."
So, they were all lesbians, it was confirmed now, was the first thought that ran through my head. The second one I verbalized, "But, why? I wanted to hang out a little longer, and talk some more."
"Because, a room full of lesbians would freak out a straight girl," she laughed.
"I think," J interjected, "That you are curious."
I nodded. "Yes, actually, that is a big part of it." I couldn't deny that either. Curious, though, more in an intellectual way than a sexual one. Curious to figure out who I was in this crazy world.
"Ok, well you know the whole GLBTQ, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, thing," J continued, "Q some say stands for Queer, but . . ."
"It actually stands for questioning, I just learned a few weeks ago. Flo Garrish was incorrect when she told us it stood for Queer last year in Bible from the Underside." Flo Garrish was a New Testament professor, and an exceptional one, as well as a very strongly liberal professor who taught differing views of Biblical interpretation, such as that of the gay community, African American community, and especially her specialty, the feminist community.
"Yes, so maybe you are questioning." J finished.
"You know, I think you are right." I smiled.
"Have you ever heard of the Kinsey Scale?" Jenna asked.
"Yes. We were talking about that just the other day at the lunch table. It's the continuum that says most of the population is neither 100% straight nor 100% gay. Most people have a slight attraction to both sexes," I responded.
"Yes, exactly. So, you fall somewhere on that scale that probably isn't one end or the other." Jenna continued.
I nodded. "I think you are right. Just 'Where?' is my question," I frowned.
We all chatted for a while more, and we ended up dancing a little more too. I had fun and eventually things died down and I went home. When I got back it was 2:30 a.m. so I knew better than to call Drew. But damn, did I wish for a walk. We always walked when there was something on our minds. He and I had talked about this subject right after my rendezvous with Julia the first time, and he thought for sure I would come out to him then and there as a lesbian. But, I didn't "feel" gay, and he said I would know if I were. But, the subject was still relevant and I wished I could walk with him again. Instead, I dropped him an e-mail describing the night.
I talked about how I was attracted to men, but in many ways they scared me. The recent Matt experience didn't help. It had a lot to do with seeing the pain they could inflict while I was growing up. Also, I described how I found some women attractive, but it didn't necessarily make me want to sleep with them. More than anything, I wanted companionship, and there were some men who attracted me in that way, along with some women who attracted me in that way. Alex and Julia were perfect examples. But, I needed to decide. Would it be my decision? Or would the decision be made for me by the best one of either sex to come along and sweep me off my feet.
All I knew that I could do right now, I told him as I finished the e-mail, was enjoy my gay male friends, my cute straight ones, and explore my attraction to self-assured women. And, continue to be the best fag hag that I could, for my gay men were the best friends of both worlds that a gal could have.