This is a true story. It is written, I am aware, partly in order to titillate the reader and myself with the memories of past events. At the same time I think it has some redemptive value for the writing of my life events I hope will serve as a sort of cathartic for my mind. One part of my mind tells me that my homosexual activities are normal and I should not hesitate to enjoy them. The other tells me that they are normal but not permissible in the confines of marriage.
I have two constraints on me. The first is that I am a devout Christian and have always wanted to live a moral and visibly upright life. The second is that I am married. My Christianity is genuine. It is far easier not to be a Christian in today's libertine and secular world than to be a Christian who gains nothing but constant bombardments to his conscience. I hold no position of importance in any church group. I do not hold the Bible in any veneration except that it reports the life and words of Jesus, my Saviour and reveals in sundry ways the nature of God. I have found that living with these religious beliefs of mine has made all the difference to my outward life and made me feel fulfilled as a human being and as a doctor which is what I am professionally.
My marriage, I feel within me, has a divine purpose. My wife is beautiful (but not self obsessed with her beauty), professionally very competent and deeply religious. Her religiousness is different from mine though we are both Christians. Much of it comes from a sense of duty and her petitions to God are for her daily needs. Far be it from me to decide if my way is superior to hers or not. She is also a martinet and a control freak. We quarrel and argue very often. I don't have the skills of other men who appear to lead peaceful married lives. I repeatedly fail to look after her needs. Yet there is this strange bond between us that makes me believe that we have a successful and good marriage despite it all. The proof is in the children, whom we have raised, who by other people's estimates are caring and compassionate human beings.
I sometimes wish that I had not married her because I have been unjust to her sexually. I wish she had married a hot blooded heterosexual male instead who would have been the suited to her rare beauty. We had reasonably good sex when we had it. It was not the stellar variety but she achieved orgasm very often. When I think back, I feel my role in it was done more out of a sense of duty and out of love for her rather than sexual passion. It was a relief that erectile dysfunction relieved me of this onerous responsibility. She took it badly initially but then accepted it. I had good reason to have ED as I was on various medications that I could blame for my condition. We continue to live in the same house and I love her and am concerned and caring for her. This situation, strange as it may seem, has made me understand that marriage does not need to have sex within it to make it the niche it was meant to be.
On the other hand I have had sex with a dozen or so of other homosexual men. Except for the odd one it has been unbridled pleasure having sex with men from kissing them to sucking cock and fantasizing about fucking arse ( I have never fucked or been fucked) and Viagra has been a great help. Each time these matings were clandestine and sometimes lies have to be said or lived out and that drives a stake into my conscience. Yet the un-licentiousness of it all gives me an added thrill. Would I give my wife a chance at an open marriage in exchange – not that such a question would ever arise in her mind.. In honesty I would have to allow that but I would be afraid of its consequences. She might leave me for another more caring and less boorish man. My cosy view of marriage would be hit mortally. All my gay sex partners have been married men and all of them say their homosexual activities never threaten their marriages and they are right. I enjoy them and
care for some of them and can even profess genuine love but what I have for my wife is much more than all that.
I always regret that I did not recognize my gay nature much earlier. My first sexual pinings were for muscular men like Tarzan and Da Vinci's David whose photograph made me ejaculate before I even knew it. A classmate in school, whom I secretly desired , mock raped me with a group of my classmates cheering him. I enjoyed feeling his cock against me thoroughly but was embarrassed at the same time. I was always considered a sissy in school, was given all the female roles in plays and took to feminine actions and even crossdressing in private. I hate all of that now and am turned off by feminine men. Occasionally someone comments on a feminine gesture of mine and it seems a fall back to my past...which I would rather not be reminded of.
In Medical College I found that the nudes in Playboy hardly turned me on but a naked man with a nude woman charged me with sexual desire usually sated only by a bout of masturbation. In the hostel where I stayed , the size of my cock gave me a recognition that I enjoyed. To ensure that i could handle sex with a woman, I visited a brothel. The nymph who was sent to me caused me to have an erection but I ejaculated even before I could enter her. Since then I find am a quick ejaculator and on occasion my wife has complained about this.
On a visit to the United Kingdom, I had my first taste of gay sex. He was an Anglican priest – stout and stocky and hairy and a little older than me. He took me home close to Lambeth and in his drawing room while still dressed, gave me an erotic kiss through pursed lips while placing a finger in the cleft of my arse. That was a really thrilling opening but what followed was quite a disaster. In his bedroom I undressed before he did and lay on the bed. He turned off the lights and lay next to me.We kissed but I was afraid of bad breath and spent my time putting my tongue in his ear rather than his mouth. It all seems funny now but I was inexperienced. He wanted me to suck his cock. I was amazed then that a priest would use such profane language to describe his penis!! As I slid down my Speedy Gonzalves cock refused to be controlled and spewed cum all over his naked hairy thigh. He was disappointed. I sucked his cock- it was thick and bigger than
any I had seen before and he was very proud of it-but all I remember was gagging on it and the smell of urine and hair inside my mouth. In the middle of the night, he probably thought I was a waste of time and asked me to go and sleep in the next bedroom. It struck me that this was hopeless and so I left rather doleful the next morning. It cured me of any more gay adventures for the rest of that year's visit.
It took another 15 years, my ED and the arrival of the Internet, for me to work up the courage to contact another gay man. Shiva (not his real name) and I wrote often to each other and I phoned him from anonymous booths and finally met him in a cheap hotel. When he knocked and I opened the door. I recognised him from his photos. So I caught his arm and pulled him into the room, locked the door and pushed him onto the bed and kissed him. I noticed that the front of his trousers had tented. I undressed him and undressed myself and fell on his moderate sized cock and sucked it. There was no gagging this time and no smell of urine. I then straddled him and fucked his mouth. After that we spent the afternoon kissing each other and talking of his previous experiences He was quite a humerous guy and gave me much to laugh about. We had two more meetings –or matings! –one memorable one was under a shower when he sucked me and the other was in his office
on a hard wooden bench!! After that I had a stroke of conscience and I held off from gay sex for about 3 years. Then I discovered Silverdaddies.com.
It was on SD that I met these other two guys. The first guy went by a Punjabi internet name but he told me he was from Kolkota. We met for coffee in a cafe and though he looked quite serious behind glasses, I fell in love with him. Perhaps it was the arm that was placed on my back and guided me to a chair in the cafe and gave me goose pimples or perhaps it was his rear as he walked in front. We went out in the dark for a drive and he parked in a dark alleyway and we kissed – o ...that was out of this world! His tongue in my mouth with a faint taste of caraway seed had my cock rigid. I put my hand to his groin and did not feel much and he confessed his equipment was not very large and directed my attention to his tits which I squeezed. I asked to feel his arse and he lifted himself up and I put my hand into the back of his pants. We must have spent half an hour but it was heavenly. We drove back and parted. He promised to visit my town and came to my
clinic after about a week and at the end of a day. I took him inside and kissed him quickly and got him to take off his trousers for a medical examination. His penis was as thin as a pencil and he had two small balls but I loved them all and had two quick sucks of his cock.There were nurses there and we did not hazard anymore in my clinic.
He then followed me to my apartment (my wife was away) and I took him into the guest room. There I undressed him and we lay on the bed naked and I kissed him again and again. He then slipped down and sucked my cock and before I knew it my cum poured out. He wanted me to lie on top and fuck him. So my ejaculation was a disappointment for him. However he lay under me and as we rubbed our genital against each other his cum spewed out of his cock onto his stomach. I wish I could have taken a picture of it – a lovely pencil cock throwing out cum. I went down and dipped my tongue in it and licked it clean off his abdomen. We then showered and I did a quick rimming of his arsehole and sat down naked in the dark and served ourselves some whisky and talked and laughed. I enjoyed it and so did he. He called it "heavenly" and as he is not given to being false , I believe him. He had to leave and could not spend the night with me. I went to bed and smelt
the sheets for his spoor but nothing remained. Since then we have tried to meet again after that but nothing has worked out. I think he has also been affected because I have found another guy with whom I have fallen in love also.
Prakash (again , not his name) is my age. This other man is about 15 years younger than I. Again it was an internet meeting and a cheap hotel room. This guy was an exquisite kisser and sucker. He had my nipples hurt from his sucking. My cock exploded as always within two minutes and his cock fitted my mouth to a T. We have met once again and spent about two hours in bed. He lives so far away and my chances of meeting him are very little but I love him and have told him so.
Most of the others were just quick events and none of them as intense as these two have been. I now chat with a man from a nearby city. He has a complexion the colour of night and looks beautiful and I want him. We just can't find suitable alibis for meeting as we are both fearful of our families.