Come Christmas Steve
Chapter 22
Jaime's Cryin'
It had not been the homecoming I had hoped for. It seemed like there was collateral damage all around me. I needed someone to lean on. I needed someone to share my feelings with. I needed Steve.
I wondered how Steve was doing in jail. I hoped they were keeping him separated and safe. I wished so deeply that I could talk to him. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it would all be okay, but he didn't believe that anymore. He needed me to be the strong one now and I was trying, but I was nearing a breaking point. I just never imagined all the collateral damage that could come out of it all. I'd talked a big game just before I got out of jail, but it wasn't so easy to stay upbeat and positive with layer after layer of shit coming at me and the ones I loved. I found my loaner phone and dialed the one person I knew I could talk to. I called Whittaker and prayed he would answer.
"Hey," his smooth baritone crooned.
"Whittaker, it's me, Shane."
"SHANEY!! How's my horny little homo?"
"Not that great. Things just continue to suck here at home. People are such jerks," I said.
He immediately sensed my sadness and changed his tone. "Dude, what's wrong? What's going on there?"
"Everything. And nothing. You saw the news conference, right?" I asked.
"Yeah, other than you spacing out at first, I thought it went pretty good. So did my mom," Whittaker replied.
"That's what Adam said too. But the problem is that it put it out there and now it's big F'n news for our small town. Everybody's talking about it and most of them think I'm guilty. What hurts me most is how people are treating my parents. Dad can't get work and Mom's friends are shunning her." I proceeded to give him all the details and ended with the visit from the reverend.
"What an ass. But there's still a lot of religious prejudice out there. That takes generations to overcome.
Look at civil rights," Whittaker told me. "It's taken decades for any meaningful progress."
"I know, and I don't give a crap about how they treat me, but seeing my mom so upset is killing me. The other problem here is that nothing is happening. I do the chores and then I have all day until evening chores with nothing to do. I can't leave because I have to be with my parents. I help my mom in the kitchen and cleaning house, but there's not much to do there either. So I sit around, read, worry and put on weight. I'd go work with my dad but no one wants me around so I've got nothing useful to do. Adam said this could go on for months and months. I'll go freakin' crazy."
"Damn, dude. That really sucks. Not to make you feel bad, but I'm helping my mom on the political shit now that I'm feeling better. It's kind of fascinating. I'm sort of getting into it. I think our guy has a really good chance of winning the governorship and he's really connected with the President. Not sure that really helps him considering the Prez's numbers but it's cool. I'm actually in DC right now with Mom. We're working the Dem's for air time. I'm kind of a celebrity over this whole international sex ring case and how I took out the ring leader when I snapped old Asshole Arty's neck. It's playing in our favor and I think I'll be doing a bunch of news conferences and probably some daytime TV even. It's really made a total difference with me and my mom. We're getting tight. Dad's here with us too and they're really involving me in this thing. They actually seek and value my opinion. Crazy huh?"
"Yeah. Crazy." I guess my tone was less than enthusiastic.
"Uh-oh. What?" Whittaker asked.
"Nothing. That's great for you. I'm happy."
"No you're not. I hear it. Don't lie to me, dude. Shane, I didn't tell you all that to make you feel bad. Honest."
"I know. I'm glad something good is coming out of all of this shit for someone, and I'm especially glad it's you. You deserve it. You were my rock through the whole fucked up mess. I guess it just reminded me of how I'm always getting screwed over. But, I'm sincere when I say I'm really glad that this helped you fix things with your parents."
"More than that, dude. This goes way further than me making nice with my parents. Robert's really wanting to make this a platform issue. The old governor did a horrible job with victim rights and appointed some horrible judges. This is a chance to change some of that. It gives us a chance to make some meaningful changes."
"That's good. I'm not so sure having this get more publicity is good for me and Steve, though. I'd just like it to die down and go away," I lamented.
"Well, that's not happening anytime soon, whether Robert makes it a campaign issue or not. This thing is huge. Even though it sucks for you, it's a huge fucking thing you did. If you hadn't pursued this, that lame fucker, Judge Arty, would still be abusing kids and selling them as international sex slaves, for God's sake. Think about that next time you think your life sucks because of what happened. Yeah, it sucks for you, I'm sure, and I don't blame you for feeling bad about it, but it was not for nothing. Did you see the news when they busted that perverted Columbian drug lord over this? He had four young slaves from the boy's home imprisoned in his compound. They're free now. You made that happen. Calvin gave his life so that could happen. I got shot so that could happen. Your life got all fucked up so that could happen. I bet those kids we saved don't even realize what sacrifices we made for them, just like few people know the real sacrifices made by our soldiers to keep us free and safe. But it doesn't make their sacrifice any less important or valuable. Suck it up dude. Seriously, you're a hero no matter what the assholes in your little town think."
"You think so?"
"Hell, I know so."
"Wow." I pondered that. "Thanks. That's the perspective I guess I needed. Give 'em hell out there in DC, dude, and say hello to Oprah for me."
Whittaker laughed. "That's the spirit. Hey, listen. I have to ask you something for my mom. Don't get pissed, okay?"
I sighed. "I won't get pissed. What?"
"Seriously, don't get pissed off," Whittaker repeated.
"All right! I won't! Now what?"
"Did it really go down just like you said with that kid in Yellowstone? You honestly didn't do anything with him, right?"
I understood why he forewarned me not to get pissed off. I fought off the urge to yell into the phone. "It happened exactly like I said it did. Whittaker, you know I wouldn't do what I'm accused of." I clipped my words.
"I know. I know. I promised I'd ask you again. Mom wants to talk to your attorney, that Adam guy. I can't find his card he left me. Can you set that up? She thinks she might be able to help you." I relaxed and fought off the annoyed feelings as a sudden flurry of excited hope stirred in me.
"Help? How?"
"Not really sure, dude. But she's connected and she's freakin' good at what she does. I've seen her kick some major ass around here in the capitol these last few days."
"Hold on." I looked up Adam's number and then gave it to him. "You really think she can help?"
"If she says she can, she can. But, don't get your hopes up too high. She has to talk to your attorney first."
"What's she got in mind?" I asked.
"Dude, I don't really know. She just asked me to make sure you were definitely telling the straight up truth about what happened and get Adam's contact information. That's it."
"Hmmm. I wonder what she has in mind." I couldn't imagine what she could do but anything would be welcome as far as I was concerned.
"What's DC like?" I asked.
"Awesome. There's so much history here. All the Smithsonian's and monuments, but the high level meetings with the politicos is the most incredible thing going down. There's a lot of self-serving bullshit involved, but there's a lot of people who honestly want to do the best and right thing. It's hard sometimes to figure out what that is, though," Whittaker said.
"That's a great experience, man. Especially working with your parents and all. I'm happy for you. I wish I could be there with you. I'm bored out of my brain. I sit around and surf the net, and NO, not those sites your dirty little mind is thinking about, and oh yeah, I'm eating tons of Mom's good food. I'm getting pudgy. My pants are tight on me."
"Dude, that sucks. Why aren't you out running? Train for a marathon or something. When this is all over, maybe we can take a road trip here to DC and I can show you all the highlights. The Air and Space Museum is sick," Whittaker suggested.
"That would be way fun, but that's out of the budget. I'm going to spend the next 20 years paying off my legal bills. I overheard Adam talking to Dad before he left and he kind of apologetically told him that he was working for a reduced fee but he had to charge a certain amount because of his firm and other partners. The number was staggering. I know Mom and Dad went into the bank and mortgaged up the ranch. I feel horrible about it, but I don't want to take my chances with any other attorney."
"I don't blame you. That really sucks. It's so unfair when you didn't do anything wrong."
"I know. But I'm paying them back; I swear I will if it takes the rest of my life. I'm not letting Mom and Dad go broke because of me," I insisted.
"I have no doubt you'll do it. I have no doubt you'll do whatever the hell you set out to do. Once the Shane train gets a full head of steam, get off the damn tracks cuz there ain't no stopping you," he joked.
"Ha. The Shane train, huh? You crack me up."
"Heard anything from Steve? How's he doing?" Whittaker asked, changing subjects.
"Don't know and that's driving me crazy too. I'm planning on writing him a letter. I have no other way to communicate with him. I'm stuck here and he's in jail so ..." I paused and added, "That's stressful too. I worry about him all the time, every day. That's all I have to do is sit around and worry. It sucks."
"Shane, I'm sorry, dude. I really am. I wish I could do something to help, but I don't know what," he sincerely stated. Then he added in typical Whittaker style, "I could send you a Sudoku book or a mail order dildo."
"Smartass. I know you'd help if you could. You stood by me all through our finding Steve nightmare. You're the best friend ever, man."
There was silence. We'd sort of run out of conversation. "Guess I better let you go. We shouldn't keep the President waiting on you," I kidded.
"Yup. That's sort of impolite, but he'll get over it," Whittaker shot back. "Seriously, I bet his schedule is insane. Can you imagine?"
"No, I can't imagine. Who'd really want that job? No wonder most of them are egomaniacal freaks and whack jobs," I joked.
"Right. They need someone normal and brilliant like you or me running this country. We'd whip it into shape in no time," Whittaker said.
"Go ahead. You can run for it. I'll be your speech writer. Lord knows you'd desperately need one. But speaking of running, I think I might take your suggestion and get back to running. I need some exercise besides just the chores. There's not that many in the wintertime."
"Do it. We'll run a marathon together someday," said Whittaker.
"Cool, I'd love it," I said. Being done, we waited for the other one to say goodbye. I finally said it and we hung up.
I reminisced on my experiences with Whittaker. I thought about the first time I saw his giant swinging dick in the dorm room showers. I recalled how nonchalant he was about showing it off. Then I thought of our time together in Yellowstone and afterward when we were impromptu roommates after Steve and I had our Valentine's tiff. I remembered with no small amount of fondness our little tryst and the extremely satisfying feeling of his monumental dick up my ass. I remembered with some trauma the lost condom. Most of all, I remembered all the times he stood by me and helped me while I searched for Steve and the rock he was when we were in Judge Arty's phony prison. He was an incredible friend. I was truly pleased that he and his parents, especially his mom, had found their way back together as a result of our escapade. At least something of value had come out of it all. That and the boys we rescued and the ones we spared from future abuse. There was that.
I'm not cynical by nature, but I worried a little that his Mom's interest in him was because she saw a political advantage in exploiting his notoriety from the sex scandal drama. I worried that once that wore off, he might get cast aside again. I hoped that wouldn't be the case because I believed that would send Whittaker into a nose-diving tail spin.
I spent maybe thirty more minutes in the loft reminiscing and worrying about a variety of things when I heard a truck come up the lane and skid to a stop outside the barn. I swung down on the rope and dropped to the hay pile below. When I left the barn, I was shocked to see Billy helping Jaime out of the passenger side of one of the work trucks. She looked horrible. She'd been beaten up and was bleeding. I rushed over.
"Jaime, what's wrong? Can I help?" I asked.
Billy looked at me with an angry scowl that had already been there long before I spoke and wasn't directed at me. He had his jaw set and the veins in his neck were sticking out like Dad's veins sometimes did when he was really, really mad. "Her asshole father did this," Billy seethed. "Fucker's not getting away with it. He's got a Billy Beatdown coming his way."
Jaime didn't speak. She just looked down at the ground below her feet with tears trickling from her swollen and discoloring eyes. She was limping on her left foot so I supported her from the opposite side of Billy and we helped her into the house. Billy called out to Mom and when Mom came out of the kitchen, she gasped. Billy explained that her father had hurt her and she needed a safe place to stay. Dad came out of his bedroom and rushed to assist. Mom shooed us away and took Jaime to her bathroom to clean her up. Dad, Billy and I watched until they cleared the doorway and then we went into the living room to talk.
"What happened?" Dad asked.
"Jaime and I have been seeing each other a little. We were going to meet out by the canal and talk but she didn't show up. I called her, but she didn't answer. I texted her, but still got no answer. I was worried. Then I got this." Billy pulled up the text she sent him.
"Help. My dad hurt me. Scared," it read.
Billy continued his story, "I raced back here and then jumped in a truck. When I got to Jaime's house, I jumped out of the truck and her old man staggered out onto the porch. I told him I'd come to get Jaime and he told me to get the fuck off his property. I reached into the back of the pickup and grabbed a piece of pipe and told him I wasn't leaving without Jaime." I groaned and Dad furrowed his brow.
Billy went on, "He said something like 'over my dead body,' and I said no problem. I told him I'd already killed two other scumbags and he could be my third. I think he mighta shit himself when I said that," Billy claimed. "He yelled a string of threats and profanities at me but he staggered off the porch out of my way. I went in and found Jaime huddled in the corner of her room and helped her out to the truck. She said that he was blaming her for her mom running off and he refused to let her take their truck to come see me. He didn't want her seeing me anymore, she told me. Anyway, she and her drunk old man argued and he started hitting and kicking her and then grabbed his spittoon and smashed her in the face with it."
At this point, Dad spoke, looking heavenward, "Good Lord, could you please send a little trouble elsewhere besides just our family?"
"Sorry Dad, but I couldn't leave her there with him," Billy said. "I had to do something."
"I know that. You were right to rescue her, but you should have gotten me involved. Running off on your own, especially with what you're involved in already was not bright. What if you had ended up fighting with him and what if you had, God forbid, killed him? That would sink your other case and you'd be painted as a hot-headed vigilante. It may still happen if he calls the police before we do," Dad wisely indicated.
"Dad, no. She doesn't want to involve the cops. She just wants to stay with us until she turns eighteen next month and can legally move out and away. She'll finish school, maybe doing home school with me and then go off to college somewhere. She's smart. She can get a scholarship maybe and student loans. We just have to help her out until school's out."
"You two dreamed all that up on the ride over here?" Dad asked.
"No. We been talking about it for a while. Ever since I quit going to school and started doing classes here at home," Billy admitted.
"How long have you been seeing each other?" Dad asked.
"A while. Off and on," Billy admitted.
"Have you two been having sex?" Dad blatantly asked, staring hard into Billy's eyes.
I expected Billy to look away and lie, but he didn't. He held Dad's gaze and said, "Yes. I love her." My eyes widened and I waited for Dad's reaction. I was prepared for anything.
"Hmmm. Does her father know that?" Dad asked.
"Yes sir. He didn't use to care. He didn't care about Jaime or whatever she did. We did it in her room with him there sometimes. I think the perverted jerk even watched us a few times." I knew that Billy knew he had watched them. I understood why Billy said it the way he did, though. I was impressed that Billy didn't try to lie about it at all. I guess with all the crap that had gone down, he'd learned the value of telling the whole truth to people you need to trust and rely on.
"Don't you think it would have been nice to share that with your father as well?" Dad sounded hurt.
Billy now cast his gaze to the floor and nodded affirmatively. "Sorry. I should have, but ...."
"All right. Here's what we need to do," Dad said firmly, leaving no room for argument. "Jaime can stay for now so she has a safe place. We will call the sheriff's office and report what happened. We have to.
No arguments on that from either of you. If they will allow it, she can stay here as long as she wants. While she is here in our house, there will be absolutely NO SEX, and by NO I mean NONE. No sex of any sort between you two. I will not have that in our house or risk having your mother see something. Understood?"
"Yes sir. Understood."
"I mean it," Dad repeated.
"I know. We won't, I swear."
"Good," Dad affirmed. "No need to tell your mother about how far you've already gone either. That serves no purpose. Did you at least use condoms?"
"Dad! Of course. I'm not stupid and neither is she," Billy whined.
"Good. Good Lord. Okay, I'm calling the sheriff before her crazy father does and makes some nonsense up about you. We do not need that." Dad left the room and went outside. He didn't want to be overheard.
"Damn, Billy. I'm impressed how you stood up and told the truth to Dad," I said.
"Had to. Why lie now?"
"Yeah. Good point. Still, I was impressed," I said again. "Had her old man ever beat her up before this?" I asked.
"Not that I know of. I never saw any signs of it and she never said anything. He never gave a fuck about her or anything else before. He was always verbally abusive to her, calling her ugly and stupid and fat all the time and she isn't any of those things."
"So why the sudden change?" I asked.
"You won't like it," Billy said. He glanced away from me.
"What? Tell me."
He sighed, studied his hands and said, "The stupid fucker told her that fags run in families and that we must have the fag gene in ours. He told her that he knew we were fucking each other and he wasn't gonna have any little faggots for grandkids. Like he even cares."
Billy was right. I didn't like the reason. Now I was also responsible for some almost complete stranger getting beat up by her own father. I grew sick to my stomach and started to gag. I couldn't hold it and I rushed to the kitchen barely making it to the sink in time to hurl my dinner. Billy came to my side and put a hand tenderly on my back.
"God, Shane, I'm sorry. He's a drunken asshole, all right? It's not about you, it's about him. He's just an asshole. She's safe and we'll help her out. It's not your fault."
I spun and I snapped. "Bullshit! That's just it! It IS my fault. It's all my fucking fault. Calvin's dead, Jaime's been beaten, Mom and Dad are losing all their friends and maybe the ranch, you're accused of manslaughter and I'm accused of molesting a kid! I'm expelled from college, you're kicked out of high school and off your hockey team. Steve's in jail and we can't even go to church together as a family. AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!! It's all my fucking fault! I wish I'd never been born. I just suck, and I ruin everyone else's life around me." I was near hysterical and started to run off. I wanted to run off and never return. I wanted to run out into the snowy fields barefoot or even naked and never stop. Just keep running until I couldn't run any further and then just lay down and die of exposure and exhaustion.
"Why can't I be NORMAL like everyone else? Why did I have to be the freak? I honestly felt like I should just run away and stop screwing up everyone else's lives."
Billy grabbed me and spun me around. He slapped me. Hard. Across the cheek. "Stop it!" He had tears forming.
"Stop it! Dammit!" He gripped me with both hands and shook me. "You are normal!! You're as normal as me or Karl or Tom or anyone else. You're not only normal, you're good. You're kind and you're, you're, you're just GOOD! And it's hard to be good, but not for you. No matter what, you were always good and nice to me. Even when I didn't deserve it. Even when I teased and was cruel to you, you were kind to me. So don't ever say that again. Ever. I love you, Shane. I would be so lost without you. Don't ever talk about running off. Fuck the others, man. It's not your fault. You are who you are and you have nothing to be ashamed about. You're good." I was now sobbing and we fell into each other and hugged. Mom and Jaime came rushing in to see what was going on.
After we calmed down. We separated and Jaime hugged Billy. Mom hugged me and we all cried together. Dad walked in, surveyed the sloppy mess and asked, "What's going on in here?"
"Nothing," Billy said insistently. He didn't want me to have to go through it all again. "We're just a little upset over everything that's been going on. We're fine now. Right guys?" We all nodded in agreement but didn't say anything.
Dad sighed, "Okay, I suppose. The sheriff is sending someone over to take a report."
"No. I don't want to involve the cops. I just want to let it go and move out in a month when I'm eighteen. Billy, we talked about that," Jaime complained.
"I know, but Dad felt it was best since we already have a mess to deal with around here from that sex scandal thing. He's right too. If your Dad called and made up a bunch of lies, it could be worse for all of us, even you. Trust my dad, Jaime. He's smart about things and he does what's best," Billy convincingly cooed. He was so calm and reassuring that Jaime didn't argue. She just slipped back into his embrace. Mom eyed Dad and smiled curiously. I wondered if Mom and Jaime had also talked in depth about the relationship between Jaime and Billy. I wondered if they'd figured out the coincidence of Jaime the girl and Billy's other supposed guy friend also named Jaime. I sure wasn't going to bring that up.
Within an hour, the Sheriff's Expedition pulled up and to my dismay, Deputy Withers knocked on our door. I let him in as he eyed me in a manner that made me squirm. He didn't offer his hand and I didn't offer mine. I simply escorted him to the family room and announced his arrival. Soon, we were all seated comfortably and after visually inspecting Jaime's injuries, he began his interview.
"Fill me in. Jaime, you go first. What happened to you tonight?" the sheriff asked in a surprisingly sympathetic tone. She detailed her evening from the time she got home from school to find her dad in his usual semi-drunken state. She told how she straightened up the house and then cooked a can of soup and made grilled-cheese and bologna sandwiches for dinner. I thought about our wonderful dinner and felt bad for her. Then she explained how she asked to borrow the truck and how he accused her of wanting to go have sex with Billy. She said he didn't want her to go see Billy anymore, and that's where she paused and looked over at me.
"Because why?" the sheriff asked. She stared down at her trembling hands.
I decided to spare her the embarrassment and spoke up. "Billy told me that it was because of me. Because I'm gay. He was afraid Billy and Jaime would have sex and make gay grandkids. That's why he beat her up. Because of me. How stupid is that?"
I almost expected the sheriff to close his notebook and say, "No wonder he did it. Who could blame him?" But of course, he didn't. Instead he asked, "Is that true? Is that why he hit you?"
"Yes. I told him that I wasn't going to have sex, I was just going to talk and be with Billy. Then my dad called me an ugly slut and a liar, and then started blaming me again for my mother leaving us. I told him he was the reason she left, because of his drinking and how mean he was to her and then he lost his temper and started screaming and hitting me. He picked up the silver thing he spits his chew into and smashed me in the face with it." She started to cry. My mom and Billy both put their arms around her and consoled her.
The sheriff got Billy's side of the story next, and wisely, Billy left out the part about the pipe and threatening her old man with his life. Finally, the sheriff looked at me and asked, "What's your involvement in this?"
"None, really. Except for existing. It seems everyone hates me just for existing. Hate and fear are pretty strong emotions, I've learned."
The sheriff didn't comment but he did have a quick reflective moment that surprised me. I could see it. Then his expression turned sour again. He sighed. "I'll be going to arrest your father, Jaime, based on the testimony I have here and your obvious injuries. How old are you?"
"Please don't arrest him," she said ignoring his question. "That will only make it worse. I just want to get away and leave it go. Please."
"I'm sorry, but he's committed a serious crime. I can't ignore it. Neither should you. Don't worry about having to go back with him. We won't let that happen. Now, how old are you? I failed to ask your date of birth earlier."
Jaime looked down and gave her birth date. Billy put his arm around her as she dabbed at her eyes.
"Thanks. I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to stay here, given the troubling situation this family is in the middle of." Jaime looked up at the sheriff and it appeared as if she was about to completely lose it. He put his large hand up and continued, "But, I checked and there's no other place for you to go tonight except juvenile hall, which makes no damn sense whatsoever. We only have one social worker on call in this whole damn county. The poor overworked soul authorized it for you to stay here against my better judgment. At least it's his as ... er, responsibility if something happens. So for now, my sergeant is willing to permit you spending the night here. Provided, that is, if you are okay with it and as long as you can have your own room. We'll sort out the long term solution tomorrow. Is everyone okay with that?"
We all emphatically agreed that it was okay. Finally, the sheriff insisted that Jaime get medical attention. Jaime said no, that she was not seriously injured, but Sheriff Withers insisted. Mom agreed to take her to the urgent care in town and that satisfied him. He told them to make sure they kept the medical report for him to add to his police report. When he stood to leave, he put a hand on her shoulder and said, very sympathetically, "I'm sorry you had to experience this. It's just so wrong. We'll make sure you stay safe and protected from your father. Don't worry, okay? I'll come back tomorrow to check in on you."
"Thank you," Jaime said, extending a weak hand. He took it and it disappeared in his massive paw. Then he shook Billy's hand, Dad's and Mom's and shockingly, he actually extended his hand to me. He didn't even wipe his hand off on his neatly starched pants after touching me, which I sort of figured he might do. He did not, however, smile at me.
After he was gone, Jaime began to cry softly. Billy comforted her with an arm around her shoulder and a hand on her thigh. The intensely compassionate look on his face pronounced the tender feelings he had for her. I was proud of him. He said that I was good, but he was good, too. He was good and he was brave. I think maybe it had something to do with how we were raised by two good parents.
Mom gathered a few things and then got Jaime's coat for her. They left for the urgent care as they had promised they would. That left Billy, Dad and me. We talked about reasonable possibilities for the near future.
"Dad, I want Jaime to stay here until she can get out on her own. She wants that too."
"As long as you two behave, I don't have a problem with it, but you heard the sheriff. The authorities may not be okay with it and we can't do anything about that," Dad answered.
"That's so stupid!" exclaimed Billy.
"No argument from me, but stupidity is not uncommon in government agencies."
"Where will they send her? Not to Juvey! No way am I letting that happen!" insisted Billy.
"I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sure they just didn't have an alternative for tonight besides us or a juvenile detention facility. Tomorrow, they'll be able to figure things out and find a safe place for her," said Dad.
"If her Dad's in jail, why couldn't she just stay at her own house? She's almost eighteen," I suggested.
"I don't know the rules on that. I'm not sure when a person can be independent," Dad mentioned. "I doubt that would be an acceptable option, though."
"It's crazy how others can just take control of your life and you have almost no say over things," mused Billy.
"True," Dad agreed. "If we talk to the social worker tomorrow, maybe he'll take it into consideration that she is almost legal age and will let her stay where she wants. Provided he thinks it's safe here with the legal mess going on. Otherwise, I'm sure there must be a short term foster care option until she's actually eighteen. Like you say, it's out of our control."
"So True!" I confirmed. "I'll go get my things out of Karl and Tom's room and move back in with Billy," I offered. I'd moved down the hall a day after Adam had left so Billy could have his own room back. I actually preferred being in the same room as Billy. It was comforting having him there at night, and I kind of think he felt the same way, but neither of us expressed it. It would have seemed strangely odd just to suggest.
It was late before Mom and Jaime returned from the urgent care in town. Dad had gone to bed but Billy and I stayed up and waited for them. Billy met them at the door and took Jaime's coat for her. He gave her a gentle hug asking if she was all right.
"Yes. I'm fine. I knew it wasn't anything that serious," she responded.
"You don't call a fractured cheek bone serious?" Mom asked.
"What?" Billy cried out.
"Calm down. It's just cracked, not really fractured. There's nothing to do for it but let it heal. I'll be fine," Jaime explained. "The worst part is the headache, but the pain pills are helping." I smiled at Mom's dramatic interjection.
"Are you hungry? Do want something to eat or drink?" Billy offered.
"No. Thanks. I just need some rest. If I can borrow some blankets, I can sleep there on the couch," said Jaime.
Mom clucked her tongue, "Tsk, you most certainly will not be sleeping on the couch. We have beds a plenty and if anyone was going to be sleeping on the couch, it would be one of these two hayseeds."
Billy and I chuckled as we knew exactly what Mom's response was going to be. "I'll show you which room will be yours," Billy said.
"I'll be right up to put clean sheets on the bed for you," chimed Mom.
"No need," I said, "I already did that when I moved my things out."
Mom beamed at me. "How wonderfully thoughtful of you, Shane. Thank you," Mom said smiling proudly.
"Yes. Thank you, Shane," spoke Jaime softly as she touched my arm. Then she smiled up into Billy's eyes and said, "After you." Off they went, hand in hand and shoulder to shoulder up the stairs. Mom watched them all the way until they rounded the corner at which time she turned her questioning gaze on me. I raised my eyebrows, made a zipper motion across my pursed lips and said good night, leaving her standing there in the entryway alone.
When I got in the bedroom, Billy was already in bed, staring at the ceiling. The bathroom door was shut and Jaime's bedroom door was open allowing me to see it was empty so I knew she was in the bathroom. I decided my teeth wouldn't rot away if they missed getting brushed for one night. I stripped to my boxers and climbed under the crisp, cold sheets. I shivered for a few minutes while I warmed my spot.
"You doing okay?" I asked.
"I guess. I'm glad she's not seriously hurt," said Billy.
"Me too. She's nice. I like her."
"Me too," Billy said with a smile in his voice.
"I can see it. I saw the way you looked at her when the sheriff left and her emotions got the best of her. It was pretty obvious that you care really deeply about her," I said.
"I do. I love her, bro. I really do."
"That's cool. I think Mom's sort of put that together too. She gave me a questioning look when you two climbed the stairs hand in hand," I told him.
"Really? Did she seem pissed about it?" Billy asked.
"Nah. I don't think so. I think she was just trying to process it. Her baby falling for a girl and all."
Billy chuckled. "I never liked being called the baby."
"I know. I got a couple of Billy Beatdowns over doing it," I reminded him.
"Sorry."
"No worries. I lived."
"I overreacted sometimes," admitted Billy.
"Ya think?"
There was a bit of a silence and then Billy asked, "You think Dad did it too when he was a kid?"
"Fall in love? Yeah, obviously. He married Mom and they still love each other," I answered.
"No. Not that. I mean what dad said about the reverend messing around with that friend of theirs," explained Billy.
"What? Where did that come from?" I asked wondering at his sudden shift of topic.
"I dunno, I've just been wondering since Reverend Lew-ass was here. I mean, that's not something you would tell another guy unless ... you know."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean, you wouldn't tell another guy friend that you were messing around with a fellow friend, normally," clarified Billy.
"Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on their relationship."
"Exactly. It would have to be really close to tell something like that. But do you?"
"Do I what?" I asked. "Dang dude, you're talking in riddles. Do I what?"
"Think Dad did sex stuff with his friend, Matthew?" Billy pushed.
"I don't know. My brain can't even let me think about that. Why does it matter?" I asked.
"No reason, I guess. I just was thinking about it. I mean, it wouldn't matter if he did. They would have been kids messing around, right? No meaning to it. I was just thinking the way Dad said it, well it was like maybe after Reverend Lew-ass taught Matthew about it, maybe Matthew taught Dad. Everybody has to learn somehow, right? It doesn't mean anything."
"Billy, what's this about?" I asked, rolling over to face him. He rolled over to face me. "I ..." He paused. "How did you learn about it? Jacking off and other sex stuff?"
"I was pretty naive, but I was always kind of curious about my boy parts. You can't tell anyone this, but I actually learned from Nicolas one Christmas Eve up in the hay loft of the barn."
"Our cousin, Nicolas?" Billy asked incredulous.
"Yup. He said he was gonna give me a better gift than anything Santa would bring me. And he showed me how to do it. After that, I messed around with him and his brother, Daniel, up there in the loft a few more times when they were visiting."
"Shit."
"But it was just young boys being curios. You know. Like you said."
"Did they teach you about sticking things up your butt?" Billy asked.
"Gawd, Billy. Just throw it out there why don't you?" I said a bit shocked at his candor.
"I'm not judging. I'm just asking. Don't get pissed."
"I'm not pissed. I just wasn't expecting this kind of a conversation. What's this all about, really?" I asked.
"Nothing. Just wondering about things lately," deflected Billy.
"So how did you learn about it?" I asked him back. He didn't answer. I felt the intentional silence and sensed his discomfort. I started to worry if I was opening a Pandora's Box. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm not trying to pry if it's too embarrassing."
"No. I will," he agreed. "I learned about it from you."
"What?" I was shocked. "I never did anything with you. Other than jack off with you next to me in bed when I thought you were asleep. But you were older when I did that and you were already doing it too because I heard you when you thought I was asleep."
"I was eleven or twelve, probably. I heard weird noises in the bathroom. I got a toothpick and pressed the little button through the tiny hole in the handle and unlocked it. I slipped it open and I saw you, naked, slumped on the toilet seat and your feet propped on the little stool. You were rubbing it with one hand and pumping the hair brush handle in and out of your butthole."
I was stunned. "Oh my God. You little snoop! You deserve whatever warping of your mind you got from seeing that," I said.
"Are you pissed?" he cautiously asked.
"No. I would have been back then, but what's the point now?"
"Good. I've wanted to tell you that for a long time. Get it off my chest, you know?"
"Wow. That's a helluva revelation. So, did it warp you?" I asked.
"Probably. What do you think?" He started to laugh and that made me laugh.
"I'd say more like definitely," I said amid the laughter.
When our laughter died down, he said, "I tried it out later that night. I couldn't get the brush handle to go in so I gave up on that. But I managed the jacking off part and I got a dry 'gasm on my first try. Holy shit! I couldn't believe it when the buzz hit me and my dick started jumpin' and twitchin' all on its own. I was pretty much hooked from then on. I learned more about it from the other guys at school, you know. Little things guys would say made sense all of a sudden. You know."
"I don't know. I didn't really have that many friends who were close enough to talk about that kind of thing."
"Did you mess with other guys besides our cousins?" Billy asked.
"No. I wanted to but I never dared try and suggest anything. Like I said, I didn't have any friends I could trust with that kind of information. I was fighting the idea that I might be gay and I was scared of it. I just lived out my fantasies with the hair brush and my jackhammer hand," I admitted. "Steve was my first."
"Wow. And only, I guess. No wonder you wanted to find him so bad."
My conscience was pricked. I considered admitting to him about Whittaker and to some extent Calvin, but I decided to keep that secret to myself.
"When did you start having sex?" I asked.
"Ninth grade. Girls made it easy for me. They just offered it up. None of them were like it is with Jaime, though. Ever. I feel bad how I treated her the past year. She said she didn't care, but I know she must have. She never gave me any shit about sleeping around with other girls though. Crazy huh?"
"I'll say. Not like most girls. Steve was way more accepting about the idea of open sex than I was. He didn't really see it as that big of a deal."
"No wonder," Billy blurted and then sucked in a short breath, seemingly trying to recapture his words.
"No wonder what?" I asked.
"Nothing," Billy said much too quickly and emphatically.
"No wonder what?" I asked again.
Billy fumbled a bit then said, "I was just thinking about the time I gave you guys a ride to the bus station and Steve was all willing to let me butt fuck him instead of doing it to the cheerleader."
"I remember that. That was weird. You have no idea how much that was freaking me out. I couldn't believe he was saying all that," I agreed.
"You know, I told you the cheerleader let me try it with her, up the butt, I mean. Well after that, I realized I was being a huge prick and I committed to being exclusive with Jaime."
"Good for you."
"Yeah. Good for me." There was a less than enthusiastic tone in his voice.
"What? Did you cheat on her with the cheerleader again after that?" I asked, a bit accusatory.
"No."
"So why did you say it that way then?" I asked. "Billy, something's bothering you, why don't you just spill it."
"Jaime's dad. What he said. Do you think gayness really does run in families?" asked Billy.
"No. That's dumb."
"Is it?"
"Yeah, it's just a drunk old man with messed up ideas about life. Just like you said," I stated.
"But what if it is true? I mean, you think you were born the way you are, right? I mean it wasn't how you were raised or anything that happened in your childhood, unless doing it with our cousins turned you gay. Do you think that did it?" Billy asked.
"No. they didn't turn me gay. I was interested and curious about guys and pretty much disinterested in girls already by then. I liked what we did together, but that didn't turn me gay. Lots of guys have same sex experiences as kids. If that turned you gay, half the population and probably 80% of guys would be gay." Billy snickered at that comment.
"Yeah. If dad did it with that Matthew kid when he was a boy, it certainly didn't make him gay," Billy said. "He's got four kids to prove it. I want to be a good dad someday, like he is."
"Billy, what is up with you? What's eating you? Just spit it out."
"Ohh gawwwd. Okay. I got to tell someone and I trust you," Billy began. "What Jaime's old man said really got to me. What if I do have a gay side? What if it comes out again later on?"
"Again?" I asked. "Again, since when?"
"Since talking with Steve about doing it up the cheerleaders butt and then him offering up his own. I honestly wanted to do it with him. I think I only didn't because of you being there. I've been like fantasizing on trying that since I saw you doing it with the brush as a kid. I kind of had forgotten about it, but then it started eating at me again since finding out you were gay," Billy admitted. "When I was fourteen, I went to this party with mostly older guys from the high school. I wasn't good at holding my booze back then and I was a little buzzed. Not drunk, just buzzed. This older dude, not like real older, maybe he was sixteen or something got me in a bedroom alone and ..."
"What? What did he make you do?" I asked.
"That's just it, he didn't make me do anything. I wanted to. I sucked his dick and then jacked him off until he shot all over my face." The painful remorse in his voice was pitiful.
"So you're worried you might be gay like me because you did that and because you were thinking about fucking Steve? Are you thinking maybe Dad had some gay in him too because of what he said to the reverend earlier? Like he passed some kind of gay gene on to me AND to you? Is that why you wonder if he messed around with that Matthew kid? Is that what this is all about?" I asked.
"No. Kind of. Not really. Maybe. I just ... why would I do that, if I'm not that way?"
"Billy, you're not "that way", all right? I just don't see it. Maybe watching me doing the brush thing messed with your young mind or something, like it implanted an idea that you linked up with the thrill of cumming. God! This is so weird. I don't know. For me, having something up my butt was an important part of the experience. I longed for it and I still do. Just jacking off without something up there isn't all that satisfying. I have zero attraction to women. None. On the other hand, I'm completely fascinated with guys and their bodies, especially penises. Oh my god, I love penises. I always have been into guys. I can't really say why it is, but I'm sure it's how I came from the factory. How long has this been eating away at you, man?"
"Since I did it. No offense, but I don't want to be gay. I really love Jaime. I know I was a jerk by playing her, but that's over. I really care about her and I don't get why I still wanted to try the butt thing unless at least part of me ..."
"No offense taken, bro. I don't want you to be gay either. It's not easy. So, how was it? Did it satisfy you? I mean, did you get your curiosity satisfied by doing the cheerleader, or do you still want more?" I asked.
"No. No way. I wouldn't do it again. I didn't really like it that much to be honest," stated Billy emphatically.
"Have you wanted to do other stuff with guys, since that time at the party?" I asked.
"I thought about it a few times. I never did anything else though."
"Who was it with, do I know him?" I asked.
Billy didn't answer at first, then said, "No. No, you wouldn't." I could tell he was lying and wondered which of my asshole acquaintances took advantage of him. The list of suspects was pretty long.
"Billy, I think you just need to forget about it. You're not gay, okay? You're not! I'd be able to tell if you were, and you're definitely not. It was just a curiosity thing is all. Stop reading into it. I'm sorry if I messed up your head with my hair brush fetish, but I had no idea you'd even seen me. Just one more thing I'm responsible for, I guess. One more thing I've fucked up," I lamented.
"No dude, I love you bro," Billy sincerely said.
"Thanks. It means so much to hear you say it. Love you too, man." We lay there in silence after that, working on falling asleep, but it came hard. My mind was abuzz with all the craziness. Billy broke the silence, "So do you think Dad did do stuff with that Matthew kid?" Billy asked.
"God! Stop it already. I don't really want to know. Why is that bothering you so much?" I asked.
"I don't know. Just is, that's all."
"Would you think less of him if he had?" I asked.
"No. Would you?"
"Hell no. If he did do it, he would have done it as a kid. Kids do lots of things they'd never do later. In a way, maybe I'd be glad if he did. It would make it easier for him to understand what I'm about, what it's like for me," I considered.
"Hmmm, yeah. Probably. Good thought."
"Maybe because of what you did, you're better able to deal with having a gay brother. If so, I'm glad it happened, because it would kill me if you'd rejected me. Seriously, as much as I hated you taking my spot all the time on the teams and being the popular stud, I'm closer to you than Karl or Tom. I really couldn't cope with you not wanting me around."
There was another lengthy, sleepless pause. Billy rolled over and faced me again. "Shane, you won't tell Dad will you?"
"Tell him what? About you sucking a dick?"
"Yeah, duh. Of course about that. You won't, right?" Billy pleaded.
"Nah. Secret's safe. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, if I do."
Billy laughed. He reached over and found my bicep. He gave it a squeeze and said, "You're the best bro ever." He rolled away and we finally fell asleep.
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I wish you all the best. I hope you are all having safe sex and encouraging others to do likewise. No momentary thrill is worth the risk. Hans. H.schreiber@hushmail.com More of this story to come soon.