I apologize that this is one of those non-sex chapters. Since I'm writing about everything, I figured I should include this, too. And this is just more evidence of the support that I've been very, very lucky to have in my life.
Chapter 13: A Quick Intermission
I am straying off topic a little and going back to Jeremy's and my relationship. This isn't a retelling of anything, but just the way in which I came out to Dave, which rehashes a lot of Jeremy's and my relationship. Sorry if this bores you.
Bobby and Will were, to the best of my knowledge, not very gay-friendly. They both had girlfriends - Bobby always had a girlfriend, even if he only dated them for a couple of weeks. Each girl was the same - instantly a serious relationship. Will (like Dave) had a long-term girlfriend. Anyway, it was in their nature to refer to things that were un-cool or that they didn't like as "gay." Normally it didn't bother me, and I'd even said it myself (yep, abandoning the "cause" - go ahead and send me the emails); but there were days when it really, really bothered me.
One night I had had enough. It was a Thursday - about four days before Jeremy's birthday. He would have been 20 the following Tuesday, and I was a little bit too emotional that day. I didn't show it to Bobby or Will, but Dave knew something was up.
We had all finished dinner and cleaned up, and were now drinking beer and watching Must-See TV. Friends, Will & Grace, and finally, ER. One of the storylines dealt with a patient or patients dying, and after the barrage of comments from Bobby and Will during Will & Grace (it was their show to be ultra-politically-incorrect, to the point of being inadvertently hurtful to me), I couldn't take it. I got up, tossed my beer bottle in the trash, and went to bed.
Since I was a bit of a night owl, they all noticed. I just said I was tired, though, and went to my and Dave's room. Yes, we still shared, and Bobby and Will had to share their room. It was a very spacious, very nice apartment, with very large bedrooms, but there were only two of them and we were all used to sharing anyway. Anyway, I brushed my teeth, shed all but my underwear, grabbed that same sweatshirt of Jeremy's I mentioned before, and climbed into bed.
And I just cried. I missed Jeremy so much, and it hurt so much to be reminded having watched that ER episode, and I felt so alone. Dave had never said a word about sexuality - I had never gotten around to telling him, and I think a part of me had enjoyed the secrecy Jeremy and I had to keep. He had always been very open-minded, so I don't know why I hadn't told him. Bobby and Will, however, made me feel worse. They didn't mean to, I know, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt like shit.
I calmed down a little and just laid there in bed, smelling Jeremy's sweatshirt (which barely smelled like him at this point, even though I'd never washed it) and occasionally choking up a bit.
Dave came into the room about two hours later, I assume, to go to bed. I tried to be quiet, to pretend I was asleep, but he spoke up.
"Jake? You still awake?"
I tried to be quiet. I was facing the wall, so it's not like he could see I was still awake (my eyes were wide open).
"Jake? Buddy?
"Yeah, I'm awake," I choked a little as I said it. No one could miss that I had been crying.
"You alright?"
I don't know why, after such a long time, I decided finally that I should come clean and be totally, one-hundred percent honest and open.
"No... no, I'm not," I said, as I started to cry again.
He walked over to my bed and sat down on the side. He put his hand on my arm and asked, "What's wrong?"
"I don't know." I was crying again.
"We both know that's not true. I don't know what's happened but you've been different since last year. I... I want to help you out. Just tell me, what is it?"
"Well... I... uh... just give me a second..." and I started crying again.
He did. He didn't move his hand either, just lightly squeezing my arm. I had to trust in the reassurance that that small squeeze had given me.
"Well, I... um... things haven't been the same since... since Jeremy died."
"Oh, Jake... I know. I know it's hard... but, and don't take this the wrong way, but, um, is that all?"
Dave was so awesome. He was so cool, so in touch with everything around him. And I knew exactly what he meant by not taking it the wrong way - and because it was Dave, I didn't.
"No, it's not." I started to cry again.
"I figured..."
And he just squeezed my arm again.
"I miss him so much. I try not to think about him and I try to forget about him. But I can't."
"We all miss Jeremy, Jake... it's okay."
"No, it's not okay," I said, probably harsher than I meant to say it.
I rolled over onto my back and looked at Dave. It was dark in our room so we couldn't see each other all that clearly. But I could see clearly enough to look directly into Dave's eyes and tell him what I hadn't during the entire time I'd known Jeremy.
"No one misses Jeremy the way I do, Dave. No one. I-" I felt Dave's hand tighten on my arm "-I loved him. I still love him. I love him so much it hurts."
And I started to cry yet again.
Dave took it really well, but for a very good reason. He pretty much knew. He didn't want to say anything - training for his RA position he had the year before meant that he knew better than to force issues; people (like me) would tell him when we were ready. But it was basically in the open now.
"I... heh... I sort of guessed. You disappearing a lot - I thought you might be down in his room on a few occasions. I don't know why... maybe it was all the hand-holding you two did in our room, heh."
I thought he hadn't seen it. I thought we were secretive. But we weren't... I chuckled along with him when he mentioned the hand-holding.
"Yeah... I'm gay. I mean, I sometimes still hook up with a girl - everyone likes boobs, right?"
"You bet!" he laughed.
"But yeah, your roommate is a big homo," I said.
He chuckled and told me that was cool and didn't change a thing.
I felt so much better having told him that, but it was a bit like a floodgate. I told him about some of the stuff we had done, some of our dates, and about how he'd gotten sick initially. I told him about the formal, and I told him about our trip across the country. I told him about our parents reactions - more so Jeremy's parents than mine - and told him we had gotten married over the summer.
"Dude! No way. Now you're just pulling my chain."
"You know that box on my desk?"
"Yeah."
"Grab it for me, and hit the light, please."
He grabbed the box and turned on my desk light. I sat up in bed and took the box from him, opening it up. He sat down next to me as I did that, and I pulled out a chain and three rings.
"This [I held up the necklace] is his chain he always wore."
"Oh yeah. I remember that."
"And these... these are our rings. This is the engagement ring I gave him. These are our wedding bands." I held them out to Dave to inspect.
"Oh my gosh... Jake... I had no idea. I suspected something, but I didn't know. I'm so sorry." He put his arm around me and held me. I sat there, feeling better than I had in a very, very long time. Sharing this, finally, with Dave was very liberating. And Dave wanted to know everything, even though it was now getting close to 2AM.
I handed him the box back and he cut out the light. And in the dark he got ready for bed as I laid back down and kept talking, rolling back onto my side facing the wall. And then I started to tell him about how the illness affected Jeremy. I told him about how he slowed down when we got back to school and how his health fell so rapidly and dramatically right at the end. I started to cry again as I told him about the day Jeremy died.
The most remarkable thing happened. Instead of just sitting on the edge of my bed, Dave climbed into the bed with me. I didn't question it, and I didn't say anything. He put his arm around me as I was talking about Jeremy's last afternoon, the days after, and the funeral, and my return to school and why I had to drop out last semester. And he just held me.
I was surprised - there was no gay vibe, there was no hint of anything inappropriate or sexual at all. After I'd cried he asked me if I was going to be doing anything to remember Jeremy on his birthday, remembering it was just a few days away. I told him I didn't know, but I had to do something. And he knew what would make me feel better, and what I had thought about doing. He just was the one to actually voice it.
I've alluded to it already, too.
"Go to him. I know that sounds dumb, but take Monday and Tuesday off and drive up there. You like driving... it'll be nice, like a mini-break."
"Yeah... we'll see."
And then I laid there. I was a little in shock that Dave was cuddling up to me to sleep. I asked him after a few minutes of silence if he was still awake.
"Yeah, I'm awake."
"Um... so... um... your arm?"
"Oh!" He seemed startled and started to move his hand, which I grabbed and stopped "I just want you to be alright... I don't mean to... I didn't make you uncomfortable, did I?"
"No... I... it's okay, I was just surprised that you'd... um... I don't know..." I stammered.
"Jake, I'm not gay. Not that it would ever work between us - that'd be too... weird. Ick. It's just... you're my best friend and I know you hurt. And I'm here for you, anytime, anything, okay?"
"Thanks. I... I wanted to tell you all of this a long time ago. Thanks for... for taking it so well."
"Like I said, I'm here for you, buddy."
And that was that. He didn't move, and we laid there in silence for about ten minutes. I thought he might be falling asleep but wasn't sure. I decided I better check... there was one more thing I wanted Dave to know.
"Dave?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. And... I love you."
"Love you, too, man."
I fell asleep pretty quickly after that. Dave didn't move all night to the best of my knowledge, and was still there, arm over my side, when I woke up in the morning. We never talked about it, we never mentioned it (at least, not explicitly), and it never turned into anything more, so don't expect to read anything like that.
I know that throughout the chapters I've written so far I didn't write about my friendship with Dave. But he was my roommate and as such, knew me better than most people. He was also my best friend - at least the best friend I had at school and quite possibly my best friend ever. When I told him that I love him, it was purely platonic. Like he said, it would be way too weird for us to do anything, ever... and besides, he IS straight - not even curious. He's quite happily married now, and he and his wife even have a baby girl. But he and I are still very close (I was best man in his wedding).
And yes, I checked with him before posting this section. He knows that I've been writing and it's Dave-approved.