Well! Colin's dad, if not understanding, is now at least more accepting. That's all we can expect from most people. But he has much more to be concerned about than a sick wife and a gay son, as you will see shortly. In the last chapter, we found out that Colin's mom has breast cancer, but it was caught very early, so the prognosis is good. Still, Colin wants to be there, as she goes under the knife.
Please feel free to comment: s4d@hotmail.com. Please write "Colin" or "Colin's Story" in the subject line.
Chapter 29
The doctor scheduled an immediate operation. I easily got a couple extra days off, for such a serious operation on my mom, even though I was very new to the company. There were a few raised eyebrows at my "room mate" asking for 2 days off to go with me. The operation was on a Monday morning. We went down immediately after work on Friday afternoon, so we could be with Mom just before the operation.
We got her checked in on Sunday night, and she had to fast for 12 hours before, so she couldn't eat anything. The hunger added to her apprehension. They gave her something to sedate her and she went to sleep. She told us to go home for the night, so we did, but we were back early the next morning, to wait it out. "It" took two hours. The doctor came to us, and reported he was certain that he got it all - that there was no cancer left. When Mom woke up, after the usual grogginess, she was in quite good spirits. I was wishing I could be there when she first got a look at the damage. I learned this was particularly hard on a lot of women. But she was feeling well enough and in such good spirits by Monday night, she told Jake and me to go on back, and she would be fine. Jake started to nod his head and I was shaking mine.
"Why don't you go on back, Jake, And I'll bring Colin back on Tuesday, K?" Said my dad. Jake looked at me, and I assented.
I went into the bedroom with Jake while he packed. "Are you sure it's okay, Little One?"
"I know my dad. I think he has something he doesn't want to share with us both." I knew this was foreign to Jake, because his whole family was so- open- about everything. He looked worried and maybe a little hurt.
"K." I wrapped my arms around him and reassured him in the only way I knew how. Oh, there MAY have been another way- but we had already determined that we would not do that in this house in deference to my dad. He was being so- reasonable now; we just didn't want to flaunt it in his face. I closed the door, though, and kissed him deeply.
"Good bye my Sweet Lover! I am so much in love with you!"
"Bye, Little Man!" I walked him out to the car, and waved good bye as the car disappeared.
"Damn, I love him!" I said to nobody in particular.
The next afternoon, Mom was still pretty positive. We talked a little about what her reaction might be when she saw under the bandages. She thought she would be all right. Dad would be there with her, so I felt good about that. Truly, I had never seen them so close. I think Dad had done a lot of soul searching. Faced with losing both a son AND a wife, he was pretty shook, I imagine.
On the way back, Dad suddenly turned down the radio, and I knew it was time.
"Colin, Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Dad" I said, more confidently than I felt.
"Did you know that Johnny's son, Brian, is gay?"
Wow, this came out of nowhere at me!
"Well- er- yeah. He took me to my first gay bar that night we went to their house."
"You mean he-"
"No, Dad! He had absolutely nothing to do with my attraction to men, Dad. He just - recognized it."
"Did you know that Johnny is- also?"
"I had my suspicions." I said.
"How-?"
"Have you been in his shop?"
"Yeah."
"Did you see the posters on the wall?"
"I- I really didn't notice." Dad said.
"Naked men, Dad!"
"You know, now that you mention it, I did see those, but I just didn't make a connection."
"They were pretty tasteful. No genitalia showing. But still, most men don't keep pictures of naked men in their shop. Especially that "centaur" or whatever it was. It was quite erotic looking, even if it wasn't showing any sex organs."
"Am I just out somewhere in left field or something, Son? Johnny's married!"
"Yeah, a lot of married guys are attracted to their own sex, Dad. Some call them Bisexual. That doesn't mean they can't be true to a wife."
"Good heavens, son! How many others are there that I don't know of?"
"I really can't answer that, Dad. I have heard statistics, but it depends on what you want to believe and - and who takes the survey. When the stats are quoted by gay activists, they say about 10% admit to being attracted to their own sex, with many more who are but won't admit it. The stats you get from the extreme right are way skewed the other way, as far as I am concerned. They usually say about one to two percent have some attraction to their own sex."
"What do you believe they are?"
"Does it matter? Probably somewhere in the middle."
"Well, if you were going to give your gut feeling, what would you say?"
"I'd say a "gut feeling" is something only a "real man" has." Dad smiled at the irony in that. "Here's what I think, personally: I think that all men are attracted to their own sex somewhere from very attracted to not at all."
"Well that leaves it open, doesn't it? You're not helping me much, here, son. I mean, it is all so new to me. I just can't understand- "
"And you probably never will altogether. A guy like you, for example, who has been brought up with the values you have, and has no other predisposition to it, WANTS to think he is not in the least `that way'. You might even be completely repulsed by thinking of a naked man AS a naked man. And yet in a locker room, repulsion wouldn't enter your mind. That's because your pre-programmed defense mechanism is not triggered there. Exactly why you didn't have some reaction to Johnny's pictures is curious to me, but your initial reaction to me, even before you found out about me and Jake, was denial. You know how I used to sleep with Aaron, and you blocked it out, didn't you?"
"Well-"
"You did! Aand as long as we're being all father/son like," he smiled at that, "I want to ask YOU something. Have you ever gotten close enough to Johnny to smell him?"
"You mean his body odor?"
"Yeah. Does it offend you?"
"Not really. It smells- honest, I guess."
"Well, Brian smells the same. I don't think they use any deodorant. But I have to agree with you. It smells honest. It also smells kind of erotic to me. Speaking of Johnny, How in the world did you ever get on this subject - or did you?"
"We did."
"What did you- did you go asking about me?"
"No, actually he came to me. He somehow thought I needed to- know some things. He told me that Brian took you to that gay bar. I had no idea it was your first time."
"And I have never been back to another one since."
"Why?"
"In the first place, you always told us that bars are where bad things happen. And I can read the news. That much is true! And besides that, it was pathetic. A few couples, but mostly a bunch of pathetic guys looking for something, and not finding it."
"And did you get some idea that Brian was one of those pathetic ones?'
"I have no idea. Did you know that Brian knew Jake, before that night?"
"NO! How did that affect you?"
"Freaked me out at first. That was before Jake and I were officially together. Actually it was sort of the START of our commitment to each other."
"Really! Phew!" he said, shaking his head, "I just assumed that you and Jake - I mean all this time-?"
"Yeah, you don't wanna make an ass of yourself - oops, too late!" Dad smiled again. I guess he was softened a lot by mom's operation. "Anyway, Jake showed up with one of those pathetic guys I was talking about. At least that's the story I'm stickin' to. I was sort of with Brian. Jake did not see me until after he had made a fool of himself, kissing this other bimbo, and then looked directly at me. He was crushed. So was I! We went outside and talked, and we have been sort of together ever since."
"What do you mean, `sort of'?"
"Heh, well I was a pretty hard sell, actually. A chip off the old block, I'd say!" Dad smiled. "I did not really commit to him- until you `cut me off'."
"Oh!" I'm not sure he saw the irony at that time.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it to come off that way. But it upset me so much; I had only Jake to- give me the support I needed. It was then that I realized how much I wanted him."
"Colin, I have a rather serious question, and I don't quite know how to even approach it. It's more of a concern, and I know it's a selfish one. Bobby shows no immediate interest in a wife and family, and I have to wonder if he wants them. I am concerned about my sons carrying on the family name. I want grandchildren. Is that unreasonable of me?"
Now I was crushed. I was so enjoying this little talk with a dad I hardly knew before. How could I answer him?
"I guess you don't need to answer immediately, Colin, but - well - you used to date girls - a lot - in high school. Do you think you will ever be - interested - in girls - again?"
Now I felt like shit. What could I say? The truth is best, but - "Dad, I - I am not sure what to answer you. Before Aaron, I was sure I wanted to only date girls and eventually marry and have a family. Then I really fell hard for Aaron, and then when he got married, I was so crushed, and I had no interest at all in dating anyone until I made friends with Jake. It was his sister who fixed us up'. She, like Brian, recognized something in me, and was concerned for her brother, so she arranged' for us to meet. From there it took off naturally. If I were to find a girl to marry-?"
"Yes"
"Well who knows? We may never be happy at all, and also we may never have a boy anyway. Too many unknowns! What I do know is that I want what I have in this relationship with Jake."
"Are you sure it is enough, Son?"
"Am I sure? I'm not sure I even know what that means, Dad. Is ANYONE ever sure?"
"I was - or thought I was - with your mother. Son, You have talked about being "sort of together", having a "start" of a commitment and about being "together" with Jake. I haven't once heard you say anything about love, Son. Do you love him? Do you think you are "in love" with him?"
"I - I guess I was trying to - er - shield you from that kind of language. Does it offend you?"
"Truthfully? I guess the whole concept still offends me. No - don't look at me like that, Colin! I didn't say that to get you on the defensive. You asked a question, and I'm trying to be as honest as I can here. I have given this a lot of thought! I'm not altogether comfortable with it, yet. I don't know if I ever will be. And of course I'm worried that I may not have any grandchildren. This is a lot to digest in a short time. And I know it is a lot of responsibility to put all on you. Please be content, until and unless something changes, that I am more - used to it now than I was last week."
"I - I guess I can't ask any more than that, Dad. I hate it that I am such a disappointment to you."
"Son, it's not that. It's not that at all! I have done a lot of reading. And soul searching. I am convinced that cutting you out of my life is not the way to go. I may have even contributed to your - situation. So I am trying my best to not place blame."
"Dad, it has nothing to do with-"
"You can't say that, Son! No one can for sure right now. Modern psychology has gone back and forth several times, and now they are starting to swing back into the school of thinking that it may be a combination of genetics and upbringing. And that supports YOUR theory about most men being at least somewhat - drawn - to other men."
"Dad, I-"
"Just let me say one more thing, Son." I waited. "The most important thing in my life is the happiness of my wife and my sons. Most recently now, it was killing her to see you and me at such odds. This is one reason I have studied so hard to try to understand. I still have a long way to go. In theory a lot of what I have read makes sense. But - it just goes against everything I have ever known before. So be patient with me. And I'm not just doing it for her, Colin. I love you."
Tears came to my eyes. I truly could not remember him ever saying that to me.
"What's wrong, Son?"
"I - I don't remember you ever saying that before, Dad. And I don't think I've said it to you either. I love you, Dad."
We rode in silence, each immersed in his own thoughts, for about ten or fifteen minutes. I had an idea.
"Dad?"
"Yes?"
"Would you pull over at this next scenic overlook?"
"Why?"
"I want to show you something."
"Of course." He slowed the car down, and made a left turn, overlooking the beach, and the Santa Barbara coastline. It was dark by now. I got out of the car. "Where are we going?"
"Just follow me." I had no idea where this went, but he didn't know that, so he followed me. The path disappeared from the road, and there was only moon and stars to light our way. When I got to a place that felt secluded enough, I stopped.
"This is a beautiful spot, Son." And it was. The moon was mirrored on the sea. There was the faint outlines of one of the closer islands.
I turned to my dad, and I put my arms around his shoulders and back and pulled him into a hug. He was stiff as a board.
"Dad, loosen up, K?"
"What are you doing, Colin."
I chuckled. "Well, DUH!" I said. "I'm hugging my dad! Can you loosen up? You feel like a piece of cold iron - not much like a dad."
He did loosen up a little, and I pulled him even closer. He tensed up again.
"Does this make you uncomfortable, Dad?"
"Are you comfortable with it?" He said
"Not totally. But the point is, I SHOULD be. You're my dad. Did you see how Brian hugged his dad?"
"Yeah, but they're-"
"That's irrelevant. They are no more than father and son to each other. Do you feel sexually attracted to me?"
"NO!"
"And I don't to you!" That was not altogether true. My body was reacting in a way that even my mind told me was wrong, but I think it was reflexive. He broke the hug.
"This will take some getting used to. Let's go back to the car."
As we walked back to the car, Dad put his arm around my shoulders. I knew he was trying so hard.
When we arrived at the Smith's home, Dad was surprised, to say the least. "I knew that Jake's parents were wealthy, but - I did not expect - this."
"They are wonderful folks, Dad. Do you want to come in and meet them?"
"I don't think so - right now. It's late, and I want to get back to your mom."
"Okay. Bye, dad. I love you."
"I love you, Son. Bye." I knew he felt as awkward as I did, saying that again. I hoped he felt as good as I did about it!
I went in the house and as I passed the kitchen, Etta was cleaning up. She didn't turn around, but said, "Nightie-night, Baybee". I heard her say, "MMM-hmh!" as I disappeared up the stairs-
"How'd it go?"
"How'd what go?" I answered Jake, but I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"With your dad, dildo!"
"Oh, That! Fine."
"So this is the way it's going to be?"
"I just don't want to talk about it right now, K?"
"K. I'll leave you alone."
"That's exactly what I DON"T want!"
"Wanna make sweet love to a hot and horny man?"
"Pervert!"
"Love it, doncha?!" And he grabbed my crotch.
"Ouch! you know exactly where to grab me."
"You have such an easy target!"
"Any more of that, and I my have to beg for more!"
"Well, There's plenty more where that came from!" he said.
"Promises, promises!" With his hand now inside my boxers, I pulled him into a passionate kiss. "Jacob Smith III, I love you so damned much!"
"You think?"
"I don't think - I know!"
"I don't think you know either!" I had to think about that for a moment.
"I do know it! I love you, Jake!"
"As much as you loved Aaron?"
"I only thought I loved him - No, I did love him. But I am IN love with you! I had no idea it could feel this way - this good!"
"You know what, Little One?"
"I think so," I said too confidently, "but tell me anyway."
"No way, ass hole!"
"Then maybe you can show me."
He spent the rest of the evening showing me.
Note: Use your imagination! This isn't about sex. It's about life. It's about relationships. It's about love. Speaking of love, I love each of you that has contacted me. Please forgive if my answers are short. I have been getting so much mail, it takes a lot of my time to answer them all. But I will continue to try to answer each letter. Please write to: s4d@hotmail.com and put "Colin" or "Colin's Story" in the title line.
I love you,
Steve