Can you feel the frustration, need and confusion that both young men felt? I hope so. Life is seldom simple. Please let me know what you think: s4d@hotmail.com Please put "Colin" in the subject line. Thanks!
Chapter 20
During Christmas break, I stayed the first few days with the Smiths. We exchanged some gifts on Christmas Eve. I felt so accepted there. I felt closer to Mr. Smith than I ever did with my own dad. After the gift exchange, I drove the two hours home to my own parents' house.
Mom and Dad were so happy to see me. I guess I really worried them as I headed back to school in the autumn. But when I came home, I at least was acting a lot more positive, so they relaxed their vigil a bit. The weekend after Christmas, Dad asked me if I wanted to go to a barbecue at a friend's house he worked with. This guy was a welder where Dad worked, and had just completed a shop/barn at his home. He had invited all the people who had helped in any way to a barbecue as thanks for their help. Mom didn't want to go.
Dad introduced me to Johnny and his wife, Delores. I guessed they were in their late forties. She was a beautiful Mexican looking woman, and Johnny was blond, and looked the part of a blacksmith. Blacksmithing - and iron work - is why he built the shop. He was starting a mostly ornamental iron shop. Delores shook hands with me, a very firm handshake for a woman. I liked that! He shook my hand and pulled me in close, and looked directly into my eyes, and said, "SO, Case, This is one of the sons you are always bragging about? Pretty good lookin' kid. Must take after his mother!" Johnny was very muscularly built, like all blacksmith types I have ever seen, except he was thin. He had on a skimpy light blue wife-beater, which revealed a smooth chest with very defined pecs and an occasional peek at seemingly constantly erect nipples. I admired his physique, especially for his age. His shirt almost came down to his knee length shorts, and it was easy to see his rock hard six pack, with a little fuzzy trail that disappeared below his fly, complimenting a very present bulge a few inches below.
What was that?! My dad bragged about me? Wow! I never would have guessed! As Johnny pulled me in close with his handshake, I couldn't avoid noticing his smell. I doubt he knew what deodorant was. He smelled pretty ripe, but what surprised me was how this kind of turned me on. I immediately thought of the musk odor I smelled in Jake's private places. I guess I held on to his hand a bit too long, as he said, "Whoa, partner, come on back to the party!" He looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Colin, son, you probably feel like a fish outa water or somethin' with all these old dogs here. Well, don't worry about that, my boy will be here soon. He would never miss my barbecued Salmon steaks!"
I wandered down to the new shop, and was admiring some of the work he had in progress. He was a real artisan. He also collected old pictures of blacksmith-related subjects. I was particularly surprised by two pictures on his wall. You expect to see some pictures of naked women on the walls in an auto or weld shop. There were none of those. One of these was a particularly sexy looking half human-half animal looking centaur or something - definitely very masculine with lots of protruding muscles. The other had a very beautiful looking naked young man in it, in a pose where you could not see his genitals, but very provocative, nonetheless. I also appreciated an album of pictures of Johnny's work. He was quite talented.
As I smelled that the barbecued salmon steaks were about ready, I wandered back up to the house, and Johnny was very closely embracing a young man. He immediately introduced me to Brian, his son. Brian was a short, and very hot, mostly Mexican looking young man. I was really surprised to find out he was 28. I thought he was probably closer to my own age. He had a perfectly trimmed Fu-Manshu mustache. He smelled just like his dad. I was - intrigued, to say the least.
Brian had a very easy way about him. He acted like he knew me for years. We walked back down to the shop, and he showed me how some of the machinery worked. He was particularly proud telling me his dad had actually made most of his own tools. He saw me glance up at the picture of the naked young man. "Pretty awesome, huh?"
"Huh? What?"
"That picture you were staring at. I saw your eyes go up to it several times since we have been in here."
Damn, he was not only perceptive, but bold! "Well, I - uh -"
"Hey, man, how would you like to ditch this scene after we eat, and go out to a place I know, nearby."
"I'll see how long my dad wants to stay."
"Fuck it, man, I'll take you home! Where do you live?" We really were only about 15 minutes away, so he said, "Then it's settled!"
The salmon was fantastic, as was the rest of the dinner. When we had eaten our fill, Brian announced we would be going out. My dad just looked at me, and waved.
"I guess we'll see you at home, huh? Bye"
Brian took me to a little hole in the wall bar not too far from where they lived. When we walked in, there was loud fast music going on, but we were the first in the place. So we sat up to the bar, and ordered a couple brews. After awhile, other people started to wander in. It took me a while to notice that they mostly came in couples or groups - and they were all men! I had had a few beers by now, and I looked over at Brian and said, "What is this place?"
"I knew you'd like it, Colin!"
"Whaddaya mean"
"He then reared back a little too much and a little too loudly said, "You ARE gay, aren't you"
"Wha - I - What gave you that idea?!!"
"Man, it's so obvious! If it walks and talks and looks like a cat, it must be a cat!" A few people around us that heard, just roared! I must have been bright red by now. Was it THAT obvious? I guessed so. I thought I hid it so well. Seeing my discomfort, Brian said, "Hey, sorry man, but it takes one to know one, right?"
A gay bar. My first! What a shocker! I was very self-conscious, even as I was feeling my alcohol. About 11:00 PM two guys walked in. I glanced over to see - NO! It couldn't be! But it WAS!! This very cute, extremely young looking boy had just waked in on the arm of - well actually all over - JAKE!!!
Jake didn't see me, as they worked their way over to the bar, and when they got there, the kid planted a very provocative looking kiss on Jake's lips. My stomach was in knots! In my condition, all I could do was gawk. By the time I started to ask Brian if we could leave, Jake was really getting into kissing this youngster and his eyes met mine. Immediately he looked like he had been whipped. He excused and extricated himself from his boy, and came over to me. "Hello," I said icily and motioning to my side, "This is Brian."
"Hey" They touched fists.
Jake looked at Brian and said, "Are you two together"
Brian said, "Naw. What's up Jake?" Oh, jeez, they even knew each other. "You two know each other?"
Jake motioned me to follow him. He headed for the door. I followed him out. It was cold outside. It was cold inside - me - too! "Colin, what - er - where - I just don't know what to say, bud!"
I think the beer made me react a little too strongly, "What needs to be said?! I certainly wasn't fulfilling your needs! So why not - I motioned inside the door to his "date". I could see Brian was keeping an eye on us through the door. I started to cry. Brian came out "You two okay? Is everything all right?"
"Fine! Brian, I hate to ruin your night, but could you take me home now?"
"Hey, anything dude!"
Then Jake spoke up. "Wait right here - Please?!" He ran into the bar and quickly exchanged a few remarks with his boy, and came back. "Brian, I'll take Colin home."
"NO!" I protested.
"Please, Little one?" He had tears I his eyes now. "You can't leave me like this. We need to talk!"
"Shi-hit! Okay - uh, Brian, do you mind?"
"Hell no," he said, looking kind of bewildered, "whatever, man." He headed in the direction of the door and the new young meat, who was still looking hurt.
As usual, the top was down on the Z-3. As usual, Jake was prepared. He threw me an extra jacket that was in his tiny trunk, and I told him how to get to my house. That was about all that was said all the way home. He pulled up into the driveway. We sat there in silence for a few long minutes. It was I who spoke first.
"Jake, what's going on?" I was still a little drunk, and not able to mask my seething.
"I could ask you the same, Little bro." It was said with no defensiveness at all. I didn't take it too well.
"Don't play games with me, Jake! I mean, I realize I have no hold on you. But you could have said something. Couldn't you?"
"Colin, I wish I could explain how badly I feel - how really like a piece of shit I feel right now! Let me ask you, how did you feel when you first saw me?"
"I was panicky. I was drunk, and out of control. I felt like I had been caught stealing something."
"Yeah, I know -"
"No! You don't, Dammit! When I saw you kissing him, it was like someone poured icy water over me. All of sudden I felt sober! At least I was drunk!
You were not even started yet. Did you even have one beer?"
"No, I'm driving , dude, so -"
"So you were sober as a preacher! And yet you were kissing him like you were 3 sheets to the wind and couldn't help yourself!"
I was so pissed off! And then I remembered something I had thought earlier.
I really didn't have any hold on him. I softened a bit.
"Little One - can I still call you that? It was the same with me as I assume it was for you. It just happened. I didn't even know that guy."
"I wasn't with Brian! We were just hanging out after a dinner with our dads! But YOU!! The way you were kissing him -"
"I know, I know. It was really stupid of me. But after the talk with my dad, and you telling me how important a family would be to you and all - add to that my loneliness these past few days. Colin, I really missed you more than I ever thought I would!" His eyes were wet again.
I looked down and all I could say was, "I know."
Just then I saw a light come on in my parents' room, then in the living room. "We better go in." I said.
"I'll just go."
"Don't be a jerk! I want you to meet my parents."
When we walked in the door. There were my parents in their robes, all looking like I had just come home from my first date without Bobby, when I was sixteen. "Dad, Mom, this is Jake"
"Jake!?" my mom exclaimed? "You mean from college? How nice! Where in the world did you meet up with him? You dad said you went out with Johnny's boy. How nice to meet you, Jake. We have heard such nice things about you and your sister - Carrie? Well, your whole family, really. You don't know how much it means to us to know Colin is being well taken care of while he is away." Omigod, did she just say all that? Mothers!
"Nice to meet you both, Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. Funny thing you should say that. I am kinda glad Colin came back with me. I don't know how sober Brian was for driving."
"You know Brian?" My dad said. "You must get around."
"I've seen him here and there."
"Well, it's way too late for you to be driving home, dear, so you will stay with us tonight," my mom said. I will get some clean linens for the couch. You can sleep in there."
"No, mom, Jake will sleep in my room," was all I said. Dad quickly turned around and headed back to bed.
Chapter 21
As soon as we were in my bed at my parents' home, I said, "So how old was that kid, about 16?"
"Ouch! No!" Jake said. "Well he said he was 21, and he produced good ID."
"You asked him for ID?"
"At the door!"
"But how old did you think he was?" I was trying to seem just inquisitive.
"Colin, do I have to keep defending myself. I was weak. He was cute!"
"Dang, he WAS cute, Jakey!"
"Really, I did ask him. He said 21. I didn't believe that but I'm not a narc."
"But Jakey, you could have been busted so bad if he was underaged."
"Okay, little brother, you can play the big brother sometimes! As long as I get to be on top at least half the time!"
I couldn't resist. I kissed him hard and long. No more tears. Just passion. He started to moan.
"Shhhh. No sound proofing here. And my dad is not so understanding as yours. By the way, sorry I don't have any polka dot boxers for you to borrow!"
We only fondled each other a little, as quietly as possible, then after spooning for awhile, we turned back to back and fell asleep.
After a nice breakfast (it was Sunday morning) we dragged Jake to church with us. Of course my only Sunday clothes were up at college, so we had to go kind of casual. This time it was he who borrowed my clothes. It was all right. There were a few others home from school for the holidays, so we weren't alone.
After church and a nice brunch at a local restaurant, we headed back. It sucked that we could not drive together, but I needed my car in Santa Barbara. We stopped for dinner on the way back at a really nice beach restaurant, where Jake asked me to leave my dorm and come live with his family.
"Are you so sure it's okay with your parents?"
"Do you really have to ask?"
When we got back to our cars, before we got in, Jake opened my door, and hugged me and looking me directly in the eyes, said, "Little one, I have changed since we last talked."
"Oh?"
"You know we talked about risk?" I nodded. "Well I'm going to risk a little here."
I looked from eye to eye, trying to guess what was coming next. "What, Jakey?"
"I have thought about this a lot, Bro. I have decided that how I feel about you -?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I am in love with you. Colin."
I felt my face flush. "Jakey, I love you so much! I don't know if it is the "in love" you are talking about. But it's - more - more intense - than I've ever felt before. Jakey, how do you know? How can I know?"
"Is this how you felt with Aaron?"
"Not even close!" I saw his face fall. "NO! Jakey, I didn't mean it that way! I did not feel for him even close to as - good - well, loving - as I feel for you."
"Well, I don't want to rush you - oh, shit YES I do! But I won't. But just think about what you just said. Think about how devastated you felt when you "lost" him. I hate to remind you, but think about how you felt the other night when you saw me - and that other guy"
It was dark, but the moon was casting enough light that I knew we must have been drawing attention to ourselves, holding on for so long to each other. "Let's continue this at home, K, Jakey?"
"K." Then he pulled me in close for a very passionate kiss. Well if "they" WERE looking, "they" got an eyeful!
The Smiths were overjoyed that I would be staying with them. They refused to let me pay anything. That was a problem for my parents at first, but I was legal, and really they could not protest much. They were still paying for my schooling, what my scholarship did not cover. One night, just before we went to bed,
"Little One," Jake said, "How long are you going to drive that little heap of yours?"
"You don't like it in your driveway, do you?"
"Well, if it sat out where the rest of the neighborhood could see, it might bring down the value of the neighborhood, but - I just was wondering - well, I want to get another car, and I thought you might like to buy mine. I would give you a great deal!"
"What are you going to buy, Jakey"
"I'm looking seriously at one of those little Mercedes."
"Cool! Another convertible"? I assumed he meant an SL.
"No, dude. I mean the small 4-door. It would be nice to have a car that more than 2 can fit into."
"Oh!"
"So whaddaya think?"
"Hey, I'm in no position to advise you in what you want to drive.
"Dude! Focus here! Do you want to buy my Z-3, or not?"
"OH! I - uh - I think - not." His face fell.
"Oh. I thought you liked it."
"Jakey, I can't afford a car like that."
"I already told you I would give you a great deal on it!"
I know, sweetie, but - I am dependent on my parents for so much right now. They couldn't even afford the insurance on a car like that - or at least I wouldn't expect them to."
"I just thought - with saving the money on the dorm and all -"
"There's more to it than that, Jakey. You folks are doing so much for me already. There's such a thing as pride - and I'm not talking foolish pride here."
"I think you are." He really looked hurt.
"Okay, look at it this way, Jake. If I accepted such a thing from you, how would you know if I tell you I am in love with you, if it is really love, or it was something you just bought?"
With tears in his eyes, "Dude, I didn't mean it that way."
"I want to think that is true, but I have to take it that way anyway. I'm sorry, Jakey."
"So what if I sold it to you and you traded it for something less - er - insurance challenged?"
"You just don't get it, do you?"
"I guess not. What's the deal?"
"I'm not blaming you, Jakey, please believe me. It's like a kind of mind set that rich people have. They can't seem to identify with the - mindset of those of us who are not so abundantly - er - blessed."
"Oh?"
"Well, yeah. Like, uh - My dad used to complain every year about his Christmas bonus."
"Like it was not big enough?"
"Well I don't know about that. But every year my dad, and a lot of other employees who lived from month to month, waited to get their Christmas bonus to buy presents for the family."
"Yeah?"
"Well, the "rich bosses" could not identify with that, and so the bonus was always given just 2 or 3 days before Christmas. So all these less than rich parents had to wait until the last minute top go out and find what ever was left over after everyone else picked over all the stores. Why if they were going to give a gift, why couldn't they give it in time for it to do more good?"
"Well, Dude, I don't want to - er - put anybody down or anything, but - why couldn't they plan ahead a little better."
"You see, Jakey? You just don't get it. When you have to buy milk for your babies in October and November, it's hard to plan for toys in December."
"Oh." He had a bewildered look on his face. "So what's that got to do with me giving you - er, I mean - oh."
"Yeah, you got it, didn't you? You can't buy PEOPLE, Jakey. At least people that have any depth at all."
Crestfallen, Jake said, "Okay. For now." He kissed me goodnight, and we went to sleep.
Chapter 22
It was almost too late to cancel my reservation to my dorm room. Actually it was too late, but semester break was soon following Christmas break, and there was another Sig Phi queer who wanted to bunk with the other three, so I was lucky. I know it sounds hypocritical, but once I knew they were all gay, it was hard for me to be there. I guess I was still in some kind of denial. That prolly had something to do with my easy acceptance of Jake's invitation.
Another strange thing was that though I was not "out" in the community or at school, everyone in the gay community seemed to see me coming a mile away. I really don't think I am so obvious, but I guess there are signs. Signs which to this day, I still don't pick up on. I mean, Carrie suspected enough that she "brought me home to meet her brother". She swears she never said anything to him, and just let nature take its course, and yet Jake seemed to know, too. And then Johnny's son, Brian, knew the moment he met me. But then the other guys in my dorm didn't seem to know. Now I have to wonder about almost every guy I meet. "Is he or isn't he", or "How attracted, on a scale of 1 - 100, is this guy to men". I'm not obsessed with it, but -
Jake came up with his dad's big Caddy, and picked up all my stuff. It's interesting how much I accumulated in a year and a half. I was able to get it all in my car when I first arrived at the dorm. When Jake arrived, the other guys were all out, and I was in the room with the door ajar. He had a big box in his hands, to help me pack, and when he came in, the box slammed the door open, reminding me of my first meeting with Aaron. Damn! I still missed that guy. I still think about him with a certain amount of regret.
We arrived at the Smith's home, and they formed a welcoming committee for me. "Park the car and come in now! We will get your stuff later. It's time to eat!" Mr. Smith said. I really love that family.
Etta had fixed steak and lobster, and it was served in the formal dining room. There was a great salad and a wonderful baked beans recipe. After the meal, Etta brought out a beautifully decorated cake for dessert.
"Oh! So this is the reason for the celebration," I said, "it's someone's birthday!" Etta brought the cake directly to me and tilted it down for me to read. It said on top, "Welcome to the family, Colin!" I was so overwhelmed my eyes filled with tears. "I love you guys so much!" I blubbered.
Etta kissed me on top of my head. "Welc'me to da fam'ly, pritty boy!" she said, as she set the cake down in front of me.
"Okay, I get to make breakfast tomorrow, K? Wow, This cake looks wonderful," I said, "Is there any dessert for everyone else?" Jake cuffed me on the back. "Ouch! You may be older, Jakey, but I know a few ways to get even!"
"Don't worry, I'll massage that out later on!" he retorted. I was embarrassed.
"There is no mercy in this family, is there?"
"I'm sure Jakey will show you some mercy tonight," said Carrie. That one drew a dark look from her mom.
After dinner, everyone helped me carry my stuff up to Jake's room. There were a few changes. The first thing I noticed was that the two full sized beds had been replaced with one super king sized. I immediately felt my cheeks warming up as the family loaded things onto the bed. The next thing I noticed was that there was a companion set of dresser and highboy on the opposite side of the room from where Jake's were. As soon as the rest of the family left Jake and me alone to put things away, I was on him like a ton of bricks!
"What's going on here, Jake!" I said, "From comments down at the dinner table, I got the idea that your family thinks we are now a couple! And now this," I said, pointing to the bed.
"Oh THAT!" Jake said. Your bed is over in the other room," he said, pointing to the door that led into Jake's exercise room.
I guess the sudden look of surprised disappointment was written all over my face, and he started laughing!
"What?!"
"Baby Boy, I was only kidding!" Now I was confused
"Okay, tell me what you were kidding about. I swear, sometimes I just can never tell when you are serious and when you are kidding", I said, frowning a bit. I was - embarrassed and, I guess, a little hurt.
"Colin, I would not do anything to hurt you. I hope you know that. I didn't tell the family anything. I guess they assumed that we decided to become a - a couple. And I didn't say anything to change that impression. There is no other bed. We always sleep together anyway."
"Yeah, but -" I didn't know what to say. So that's what I said. "Jake, I don't know what to say. It's like I don't want to give the impression that we are a couple, and yet I want to sleep with you. I guess I wanted to give the illusion that we still need two beds. You might have asked me about this."
"You know Etta is like a member of the family. She changes the linens. She knows that my bed never got slept in. Consequently, so does the rest of the family."
"I guess I will have to get used to the openness in your family. The only thing that was ever said at my house, when Aaron and I were sleeping together, my mom once said, `You and Aaron looked so cute cuddled up in your bed.' I guess my dad noticed, but he would rather look the other way. I guess I am a walking dichotomy. On the one hand, I resent that my dad doesn't want to deal with my apparent obvious gay streak, and on the other, I feel more comfortable with that, than with your family's seeming complete acceptance of - something I'm not - sure about yet."
"I am so sorry, Little One. I didn't want your first night to be so stressful."
"Well, I have to say, I feel tied up in knots."
With that remark, Jake walked over to the door, closed it and locked it. (And you KNOW what THAT means!) Then he came over and without a word, gently put his hands on my shoulders and started to knead them softly at first, and then more deeply. I melted. He steered me over to the bed and pushed me, face down into it. Then he removed my shoes and shirt, and then his shoes, and he climbed on top of me, sitting on my butt, and began to massage my back, neck and shoulders. He paid particular attention to the muscles around my clavicle, which were strung about as tight as violin strings. He had such wonderful big hands, and yet he was very gentle.
He kissed my neck, then worked his hands down to the soft tissue on either side of my spine. I was getting very relaxed when he started to knead my butt muscles. I tensed up a little, then relaxed even more as I gained more trust. Just about the time I felt completely at ease, and relaxed, he ran a finger between my cheeks, from my scrotum to my back. It was like an electric shock went through me. I flinched, and he slapped my butt. "Just kidding, JUST KIDDING!" he reassured me. I wasn't reassured.
He massaged the back of my thighs. I squirmed a little, because I am pretty ticklish there. He worked his way down, again kissing my knee socket. When he was about half done with my left foot, I dropped off and I didn't come to until much later in the night. I found he had removed my jeans, but left my boxers on, and he was sleeping peacefully on the far side of the bed. I watched him for the longest time Watched - and wondered - and loved. I got up and took the phone into the bathroom.
"Mom?"
"Colin? It's the middle of the night. Is everything alright?"
I sat on the toilet as I talked to her.
"Yes. Er - no! Well, I don't know. Let me ask you something."
"What is it dear?"
"What does it feel like to be "in love?"
"This is why you woke me up?"
"I'm sorry, Mom, I couldn't sleep."
"And now I can't. Well, okay. Colin, how did you feel about Aaron? How did you really feel?"
"I - felt - well, like he - sort of - completed me. Yes that's it."
"And how did you feel when he got married?"
I didn't have to think about that one. "Lost!"
"Is that all?"
"Mom, I felt lost and devastated. I felt like my whole world was lost to me. Is that what love feels like?"
"That is about the best description I have ever heard, Honey."
"Mom, one other question. I still feel that way about him. It still hurts to think about him, to remember good times, and especially - the hurt."
"Yes, that would be normal, I think."
"But my question is, uh -"
"Colin, are you starting to feel the same way about Jake?"
Then I lost it! I started crying. "Yes, Mom, I think so! I really do! Am I - is there - something wrong with me? Is it possible to love two people at once?"
"That's a harder question to answer, dear. You know that your Aunt DeEtte was widowed? Well she remarried, and as far as I know she loves her new husband very much. But she told me that it still hurts thinking about your Uncle Jim. And it's been five years since she married Jerry. So I guess it's possible. I just never thought about it in terms of two living people.
I doubt that she loves them each for all the same reasons. Different things endear us to different people, I think." After a moment of silence from my end, "Does any of that help you, Honey?"
"I don't know. I guess it helps a little. I'm still so confused." And I was! "Thanks, Mom. Sorry to wake you up."
"That's okay, Honey. I guess you'll always be my boy, huh? Bye sweetie."
"Bye, Mom. I love you."
I got up from the toilet, and as I turned to walk out of the bathroom, Jake was standing there. I wondered how much he had heard..
"You, okay Little One?"
"Oh, Jakey," I said as I threw my arms around him and collapsed on him, "I just am not sure." I started to cry again. "What I know is I love you - so much! I am so confused!"
"You still in love with Aaron?"
"How much of my conversation did you hear?"
"I'm sorry, Bud. But I felt when you got up and I sort of followed you. I heard the whole thing."
"Jakey, I think we need to set some boundaries. I feel that tonight my space has been WAY invaded."
"I'm sorry. I -"
"That said, I would like to say this: I think I'm ready - I mean I want to take our love to the next level.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not even sure of that myself. It means whatever it means. For now, maybe we could just - hold each other while we try to go back to sleep."
Jake lay down and stretched out his arm and hand to me. I laid on top of him, in his embrace. Then he pushed me down so my hips were on the bed, between his legs, which he wrapped around me, so that my head lay on his chest. He tilted my head up, and brought his face down to mine. Our lips met very tenderly. His tongue ever so softly caressed my lips, then my tongue. Then he cradled my head in his arms, and said, "Good night my sweet prince."
Note: We,ve seen Colin come to grips with himself, and now with telling his mom. You that have done this know how hard it can be. I never did, and my mom died several years ago. But I told my dad. He was super nice about it, but he still blamed himself.
Please feel free to comment: s4d@hotmail.com Please put "Colin" in the subject line. Thanks!