This is a work of pure fiction, (Just how pure is in question!) based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind of story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother
Rod -- Coles middle brother Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil
Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom
Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend Gus Hartwin -- Rex's ex
Michelle -- My old girlfriend. Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend
From Chapter 8:
I pulled in to her driveway and she reluctantly got out of the car. Out of habit, I walked her to the door. I could tell she wanted to kiss me, and I might have if Gus wasn't looking on. I know he wouldn't have cared, but it was just weird.
I then took Gus home. "Can't I come stay with you tonight?" He whined. I grinned, as if I thought he'd never ask. Funny thing was -- now that it was just the two of us, I felt a little shy -- and again fell in to my unworthiness around jock Gus.
After we got into my bedroom, locked the door, and were snugly under my covers, Gus said, "So -- would you -- I mean -- do you think -- that - - I mean -- um -- Michelle! Would you -- ever -- want to -- um -- you know -- in front of her?"
"Oh -- Wow!" I exclaimed. I dunno! Would you?"
He turned red again, and grinned. "Yeah." I shook my head. "Well!!?? At least maybe we could practice a little -- in case it ever happens." He said.
So we did -- practice! We both won!
Chapter 9
I know, I know! Both Gus and I are very young! But we just keep finding more things in common that we like. Well, of course all those years of watching each other, not knowing we were being watched in return was a real mind blower. But little things, like - - we discovered that we both loved dating certain girls -- even though we didn't want to really DO anything with them.
After that night we dropped Michelle off, we didn't hear from her again. After four months, I figured she was securely back in my past again. Imagine my surprise when my mom told me she had called. (I never gave her my cell phone -- or the number at school!)
"Hi, `Chelle!" I said into the phone.
"Cole??" She answered. "I'm so glad you called back. I was afraid you wouldn't after that last night."
"Really? Why not?"
"I don't know. I thought maybe I freaked you guys out with the wanting to watch thing."
"Oh. You did! But -- I don't know -- the time has really flown since then."
"Are you -- and Gus -- still seeing each other?"
"Yeah -- you knew we were a couple didn't you?"
"Duh! But I -- well, I mean -- in four months, anything can happen."
"No -- we're still together -- more than ever, actually."
"Oh! Any serious plans?" She pried.
"I dunno! I guess we both are very aware that we're only 20, and that seems to o young -- doesn't it?" I was looking for the answer I wanted to hear.
"I dunno either." She said. "Seems to me it's not about age. Some people are more mature -- maybe more ready -- that others."
"More ready for what, though?' I asked. "We still have 1 ½ years to go before graduation. That doesn't even count post-grad studies."
"So - - doers that mean there's still a chance -- for me?" She asked.
Shit! How can I respond to that? I was wishing she could see my face. This felt so cold on the phone. "Shelly -- I'm gay!" When I said that, Gus gave a weird look. I gave him my sweetest smile.
"I know." She said -- sounding dejected. I felt bad. She meant a lot to me. "So - - " she continued, "Getting back to my last proposition -- when we were all together -- have you given it any more thought?"
"Shelly -- I don't want to hurt you -- don't you think it would be better - "
"But -- Well, besides being -- well -- hot -- hee hee! It may give me some -- um -- closure -- or something -- to see you two together."
I looked at Gus again. He had a querying look on his face. I covered the mouthpiece and whispered to Gus, "She still wants to watch us!" He got a surprisingly delighted look on his face. "You're not serious, are you?" I whispered. He nodded vigorously.
"What?" Michelle said. "What are you guys whispering about?"
"Gus wants to do it!" I answered.
"And - - you don't?" She said.
"It's weird." I said.
"I'll never dance with you again if you don't!" She teased.
"Oh! Not that!!" I retorted. "That cinches it! When and where do we meet?" Gus was so excited he was almost peeing on himself!
"My parents are gone all weekend. How about this afternoon? 2:30?"
"2:30?" I mouthed to Gus. He was almost vibrating as he shook his head YESSSS!
"HEY! You guys ever gonna get up?" My brother hollered from the other side of the door. "Breakfast is ready!"
"Be right out, Roddy!" I answered.
"Gotta go, `Chelle!" I said. See you at 2:30."
"Bye, sexy!" she said.
During breakfast the phone rang. Mom answered it. "For you, Rod. It's Rex."
"Hello?" Rod said. "Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh -- he's here too -- and also Gus. Uh huh. Are you sure? Okay -- right after breakfast." Rod hung up. "He wants us to come over."
"You guys go. I'll stay here." Gus said.
"He specifically wants you to come, Gus." Roddy said. "He doesn't sound too happy. Maybe you should go."
"If you think so, Rod. But it's weird." Gus intoned.
So, after we ate, we headed over to Rex's. His step mom opened the door and said nothing, but motioned with her head to his room. The room was dark, so it took a few minutes for our eyes to adjust. "Dude," my brother started, "Where've you - - what -- happened?" As our eyes got used to the dim light, we all could see what was obvious. Sores on his face and arms. Everything else was covered.
"I really screwed up this time!" He said. He didn't have to tell us. We had all seen the effects of AIDS before.
"How long have you known?" Roddy asked.
"I -- uh -- suspected when I couldn't shake that cold I had. I found out five weeks ago."
"Oh, Rex!" Roddy exclaimed. "Damn! Why didn't you tell me sooner? Now I feel like crap that I haven't even tried to contact you!"
"It's okay, Dude. I know you're busy -- with your family and all. When was the last time you were here?'
"Three weeks ago."
"Yeah. I wasn't ready to talk to ANYONE about it then." Then he looked at Gus. Rex started to cry as he said, "Gus -- I'm so sorry! I guess you will need to -- get tested."
"I'm clean," was all Gus could say. He was on the verge of breaking down. "Both Cole and I got tested after -- after you -- I mean we -- split."
"OH, Thank God!" Rex said, and he fell backward on the bed and started to sob. Roddy went to him and raised him up enough to hug him really close.
"We're gonna get through this, Dude." Said Roddy.
"I'm not." Rex said with finality. "The doctor said he's never seen it go so fast. I guess I am super receptive to the virus, and it just overtook my body." Then he looked at Gus. "Gus - - I love you -- always have. Sorry I screwed it up!"
Gus looked like he was in some kind of supreme misery. "I -- uh -- yeah, I love you too, Rex. I -- erm -- wonder if you will ever know how much it hurt me when I found out you were - - ." Tears were streaming down Gus's face, as well as Rex's and mine -- and Roddy's too. It was such a sad situation!
"Gus, I can't possibly tell you how I regret screwing up like that.
Well, maybe seeing me tells you a little. I hope -- that -- you and Scrub here -- well, you guys look pretty happy together. You know I love him too, right? Like a little brother, of course!"
We stayed there most of the afternoon. The mood did get a little better. I looked at my watch and it was time to meet Michelle. I went to the other room and called her.
"Chelle, we just can't leave right now. One of our best friends just told us he has AIDS. I know! Sorry. I don't know. Tomorrow? Shelly, I think we better wait. This is really bumming us all out. Besides being my brother's best friend, Rex used to be Gus's lover. No Roddy isn't gay. Yeah, but -- let's just -- plan on another time when we feel more -- adventurous -- or something. Okay. Sorry babe. Bye."
I wasn't all that excited about `performing' for her anyway. But it seems to turn Gus on, so maybe we will later. "What did she say?" Gus asked,
"She was disappointed. Wanted to reschedule for tomorrow."
"And ...?"
"I said I thought we were too upset now. Later."
"Good."
"What was that?" Rex asked.
"This hot girl that we went to high school with," Gus answered, "wants to watch us!"
"Watch you?" Rex looked puzzled. Watch you - - what?"
"Heh! We let her watch us kiss few months back. She wants to see us fuck!" Said Gus.
"WHAT!!??" My brother said. "Michelle? SHE wants to watch you??!!" he asked incredulously.
I turned several shades of red to purple! I didn't know quite how to answer him.
"Cole!!" He started. He looked angry -- I THOUGHT. I even flinched. "That is so HOT, Bro! Well, I dunno about you -- but -- I'd LOVE to have a girl watch me having sex! Well, of course it would have to be with a chick!" He added, defensively.
"I assumed that." I said dryly. "Did you wanna watch us too? Maybe we could charge admission!" I knew I was getting sarcastic, but jeez! This is my brother! What I couldn't believe was that he was hesitating before he answered.
"I -- I -- don't know. I don't think so. Not with -- not with my brother. No."
"Wha -- at?" I answered, not quite believing what I was hearing.
I -- uhhm -- saw a porn video once. Two guys and a girl." Roddy said. I was shocked, but not nearly as much as when he continued. "It was pretty hot -- watching what the guys were doing to each other!"
"You never told me that!" Rex said, turning to me. "I showed that video to him. But he never -- well, he didn't LOOK like he was reacting to it that way!"
"No -- really!" Roddy said. "No -- it's not what you think! It's like -- well -- I was wishing a girl could do that to me -- as well as the guys did it to each other! It was like they KNEW exactly what to do! I was -- like -- disgusted, but at the same time -- really turned on!"
Rex, Gus and I all at once, said, "DUH!" Then we started to laugh. It was good to see Rex laughing. It broke the gloom.
"Remember," Rex started, "when we used to jack off together, Dude?" He said to my brother. Now it was Roddy's turn to change colors. First he got white, then almost purple. "You seemed to like that plenty!"
"Rex! That was when we were young! I grew out of the stuff!"
"I guess I didn't, huh?" Rex said. "You were the first guy I ever - "
"Rex! Stop! No more! This is my brother here, for crap sakes!"
It was dropped -- like lead balloon.
Later that night, Roddy asked me to come into his room. "Cole -- about what happened today -- I mean the shit talk. That was a long time ago. Rex and I did some -- erm -- experimenting, was all -- when we were very young. Sometimes I - " his eyes suddenly filled with tears. "Sometimes I wonder if it was my fault that Rex turned out gay -- and now is going to die." Now the tears were streaming down his face.
"Why would it be your fault?" I asked.
"Cole -- please -- this is just between you and me -- okay?"
"Okay."
"It was I that initiated our playing -- always."
"I don't get it." I said. "I thought you - "
"I have no interest in guys now, Cole. But when I was younger I was curious. And - - it felt good."
"How young?" I asked.
"We didn't do anything after we were 14."
"14!?" I was appalled. "What felt good?"
"When we played. I liked it then."
"What -- what -- did you do?"
Roddy turned red. "We never fucked, if that's what you wondered!"
"So -- you -- sucked each other?"
"NO!" He exploded. "Well -- yeah -- we -- uh did that."
"And you liked it."
"Yeah -- well, I liked getting sucked."
"But you didn't like sucking?"
I was drilling him with my eyes. He looked away. "No."
"Come on! Don't lie to me!" I prodded.
"Well?!! I didn't like that as much!"
"Roddy -- let me ask you -- please tell the truth -- when we were talking about Michelle watching us? Were you -- I mean -- do you think you'd want to watch -- us?"
He again thought too long. "Uhm -- maybe -- if Silvia could be with me -- and maybe we could be doing it too."
"SILVIA?! You would want your wife to see us too?"
"NO! Not really. But all I'm saying is -- it could be hot to make love to her while you guys are getting off."
"Getting off?" I asked. "So you don't consider what we do as making love? For us it's just getting off, huh?"
"No, Cole. But actually I DON'T understand how it works -- how two guys can be attracted to each other."
"Roddy, can I suck your dick?" I said out of the blue.
"NO!" He said.
"Why? Why not?"
"You're my brother! That's sick!"
"How is it sick, Roddy? Tell me."
"I don't know -- it just doesn't seem - - right."
"Because you are married?"
"No -- well there's that -- but -- I don't know -- no! We shouldn't!"
"I always wanted to." I said simply.
"You -- you did? What about Gus?"
"What? You want him to suck you too?"
"Cole! Don't be funny. I didn't - "
"Roddy, I was just kidding! I'm going with Gus now. I wasn't going to -- do anything with you!"
"Oh." He said. Was it my imagination that he seemed disappointed? "Well, I just wanted you to know that -- that stuff we talked about -- that was when I was young. G'night."
"G'night, Roddy."
"What was that all about? You were gone forever!" Gus said as I came back to my room.
"Just my brother being paranoid. I think he wants to watch us too! JUST KIDDING!"
"CRAPola! That would be hella-hot!"
"Do you suppose that you could perform -- quietly -- for no one but me -- tonight?" I asked demurely.
"That's a definite possibility."
I grabbed him and kissed him passionately. Our tongues were all over inside our mouths. He grinded his groin into mine. I was instantly rock-hard. He felt it from outside my jeans. I giggled. He unbuttoned the fly. I did the same for him, and both our locked up pieces came flying out. I pushed him down onto the bed and removed his pants and his underwear.
Before he could reach for my own, I fell on him with a passion. I sucked him all the way down my throat. I gagged a little until I got used to it, then I pumped him to his completion. His load was huge, and I caught all of it. I was very quickly becoming addicted to this boy's musky spunk. He was heaving and his body was jerking spasmodically on the bed -- as he tried to be silent. When he was finished cumming, he was almost comatose on the bed. I was very horny still, but he was so completely spent he couldn't move.
I kissed him. He was able to kiss me back, and I wanked almost to orgasm, but that's when he got some strength back. He stopped me and lifted me on top of him. I started to hump his hand, and it was no longer than a half minute before I was the one straining to stay quiet, and I sprayed cum all over both our stomachs and chests. It was my turn to collapse. I lay sprawled on top of Gus. He looked up into my eyes. His eyes sparkled.
"You have no idea how many defensive linemen I have looked up at from this same position! And I KNOW a few of them liked it every bit as much as I did!"
Sunday we went back to Rex's. He was in a better mood. His Step mom was gone. That might have been the reason. It was lighter too. The shades were up, letting in some sunlight. The room was cheerier, but it made his sores much more obvious. It wasn't long before we forgot about them though. I'm almost ashamed to say it, but I liked him better this way. He was too pushy before. Now he was funny and loving -- and sweet.
I talked about a recurring dream I had of trying to fly. Well, I DO fly, but I have to flap my arms really fast like a bird. "OH!" Rex said, "I fly just like Superman -- but I crash into walls!" We all laughed at that. He was always such a smart ass before. Now he was still funny, but not so smart-assed.
We said good bye in the late afternoon, when his step-mom got home. Later that evening, in the dorm, I started to cry spontaneously. Iggy and Gus both were concerned. "I can't believe Rex is gonna die. I feel terrible. I was having bad thoughts about him today." I told them about how I liked him better this way. "and then his mom came home, and we just ran off and left him with her. What jerks we were!" And I cried some more.
"Sweetie Pie," Gus said, "Roddy had to get home to his family -- and we needed to come back here. Rex understands."
"I know. I just feel so bad for him." I broke down and sobbed. Iggy couldn't take that. He wrapped his arms around me and held me. Gus did the same, and we lay down on the bed -- as we had so many times before -- Iggy spooning me and I spooning Gus. It felt so good to be comforted in that way. I was wishing Rex was there. That's it! "We should do this for Rex next time we're over there." I said quietly.
"I -- I don't think I could do that, Cole." Gus said. "It was hard enough just being in the same room with him today."
"You still have feelings for him." I said.
"NO! Well -- yes. But that's not the reason. Cole, he really hurt me. I mean -- I left him, but he -- just couldn't keep it in his pants! I thought that we -- had something -- special and he was screwing -- not just one guy -- not even some specific guys! With Rex, it was anyone who would hop in the sack with him -- or meet him in a toilet. I was so naïve! So trusting. Never again."
"What -- um -- what do you mean never again?" I asked.
"It'll be a long time before I trust anyone like that again!"
"Oh." I said. "So -- you don't -- trust me?" I asked, coolly.
"Cole -- shit! Can we -- um -- discuss this somewhere else?"
"You want me to leave?" Iggy said.
"I -- I guess not. You're both close to me. Ig, - I'm sorry, but it didn't help when you went back to your ex. I know Cole wasn't surprised, but it was a shock to me."
Iggy went back into his thick accent. "I'm sorry about that, Gus, and I do feel bad. But -- I don't think it's fair of you to hold these things against Cole."
"It's not a conscious thing. I can't help it."
I didn't want to discuss this in front of Iggy either, but I wasn't going to drop it at this point either. "I think you better try." I said quietly.
"I know, but I just can't - "
"You can start by stopping saying `I can't'. I was hurt many times in high school by kids -- guys -- like you -- that were popular and it seemed to me they blew me off after I was nice to them."
"Cole, I didn't know - "
"This has nothing to do with that." I said "I just mentioned it to explain to you something. As many times as I was hurt, I always got over it and put myself out there to get hurt again. I don't know where I learned this, but I know that it's better to be hurt -- over and over -- than to shut down so you won't get hurt."
"I don't understand." Said Gus.
"Neither do I." Said Iggy.
"Hrmph!" I was a little exasperated. "Haven't either of you had psychology?"
"Only in high school." Gus said. "Why? Oh, that's right! You just had it last semester -- right?"
"Well -- yeah, I did have it last semester. But I also have it again this semester -- more advanced."
"Okay -- Doctor -- tell us what you have learned."
I had a knot in the pit of my stomach. It was obvious they weren't taking this seriously at all. "Never mind." I said, trying to sound non-committal. It didn't work.
"Cole! No! really. I'm sorry. I'll -- listen. I know this is important to you."
"Important?" I exclaimed. I looked over at Iggy, who looked as if he wished he wasn't there. My upper lip quivered. "Gus - " I closed my eyes and sighed. There was so much emotion by now, it was hard to speak. "Gus -- I love you. It hurts to hear you say you don't trust me."
"I didn't say - "
"Let me finish. Yes, you did say it. And -- what I have learned somehow -- over the years -- and it was only reinforced in my class -- is that when you close down one part of your life -- you close all of it to some degree."
"Huh?" Both of them said. I had lost them already.
"Umm -- its like -- well -- when a kid -- let's say a girl - decides she won't cry any more, because she doesn't want to give her dad the satisfaction of making her cry. And it works very well for her. She sees her dad get angry and then even angrier because she won't cry. She wins.
"Except that it becomes a habit, and sometime later she finds out she CAN'T cry. (Well, lots of men have that problem.) But anyway it goes a lot further than that." I at least had their attention now.
"What she doesn't realize is the way she has accomplished not crying is that she has super-controlled her emotions. She doesn't see that this also has not just shut her off to pain. It also shuts her off to joy. She can't cry, it's true, but she also can't laugh either. She becomes a robot almost.
"Do you see what I'm telling you? If you don't trust anyone, then you are closing yourself off from feeling the love that others give you -- and feeling a full love for them. People like this very easily can become sexual addicts. Because sex and the intensity of sexual satisfaction -- is often the only thing that can move them. And even then, because their whole system is shut down to some degree, they can't even feel sexual satisfaction as fully as they otherwise could have. Understand?"
"M-hm." Was all Gus said. Iggy was almost asleep. So much for my teaching abilities! "Well, I need to get some assignments done before tomorrow. I don't know what more to say to you. If you can't trust me, then you probably will find some way to drive me away, so you can distrust someone else."
"Uh-huh." Gus said, then, "WHAT??! NOOO! How do I do it? How can I learn to not worry what you're thinking -- worry about what -- or who -- you're looking at -- thinking about?"
"I don't know, Gus. You can start by just saying to yourself, every time you feel that way, This is silly. It's all in my head. He wouldn't do that to me.' And let me reassure you, Gus. I wouldn't! I still can't tell you I am in love' with you. I probably won't until I feel trusted. But I will tell you that I love you, and if I ever decide I want someone else, I'll tell you -- and I won't give you reason to not trust me."
"I'll try, Cole. I love you too. And I can't tell you I'm Not in love with you. I feel like I am."
"Trust me -- no pun intended -- you can't be in love with someone you don't trust. Distrust drives a wedge from both sides."
"What you say feels true," said Iggy. "Maybe that's what has been my problem with Dex." He shook his head. "It seems like I never trust him."
"But why did he leave you the first time?"
Iggy looked at me for a long time, then finally with a sigh, he said, "Because I wouldn't trust him."
"Sounds like you should do the same as Cole suggested for me." Said Gus."
"I'll just say one more thing," I started, "and that is -- it's not easy to let suspicion go. If it is impossible -barring the possibility that there really is a reason for the distrust -- a psychologist can prescribe a drug that will actually help."
"What kind of drug?" Iggy asked.
"Different drugs for different people and different problems. One I know you've heard of is Prozac. But it is only one. And it's not for everyone. St. John's wort can be bought in health food stores, but it's still better to get a doctor's opinion first."
"How do you know all this crap, anyway?" Gus asked.
"I'm seriously thinking of changing my major -- to psychology."
"That's heavy. All the education to be a doctor, but adding to that shrink stuff!"
"Shrink stuff? HAHA! Yup! That's about it." I said.
"I do love you, Cole." Gus said, sounding like he was trying to reassure me.
"I know you do, Gus. And I love you too. Wanna shower?"
"What happened to your homework?" Gus quipped.
"Fuck it! I can catch up!"
"Fuck `IT'?"
"Whatever!" I said, laughing.
"You guys!" Iggy said. "You're both too horny!"
"I know you are, but what am I?" Gus fired back at him. "You're just jealous!"
"You got that right!" Iggy said.
Gus and I usually don't "play" when Iggy is around, but we made an exception tonight. Well, at least in the shower. There's something really hot about making love under a hot wet shower -- and we both got it!
Notes: Where is this going? I think it's getting a life of its own.
Comments are welcome: Steve at s4d@hotmail.com. Please put "Cole" on the subject line. Ask me about my other stories. Thanks and love, Steve
Bottom line: Love will Rule in the end.