This is a work of pure fiction, based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero
Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother
Diane -- Jazz's wife
Janie and Jesse -- Jazz's kids
Rod -- Coles middle brother
Suzanne -- Rod's wife
Will and Cole V -- Rod's kids
Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil
Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad
Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom
Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend
Gus Hartwin -- Cole's Boyfriend
Michelle -- Cole's old girlfriend.
Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend
Ed -- Paramedic
Manolo -- Paramedic
Steve -- Manolo's boyfriend
Randy -- Found Boy
Curtis -- Found boy's brother
Kian Willis-- Friend in Vancouver
Nicolas Poole-- Friend in Vancouver
Howard Poole -- Nicolas's Father
Christian -- the pool guy
Boyd -- the pilot
Spike -- Cop and former classmate
The twins:
Marcus Aurelius
Alexander The Great
Jon -- Teacher's Aide
Gary Rose -- Nurse
From Chapter 39:
Why can't I -- grow up! It seems like every time I get a temptation like that -- and think I can justify it -- I go for it. Why??
Gus picked up his suitcase and walked out the door. I fell to the floor beside Iggy.
Chapter 40
"Gus! Where are you going?" Nick said. "Your 1000 miles from home."
"I'll find a bus!"
"Let me take you to the bus station." Said Nick. They left.
I was really torn. On the one hand I wanted to run begging after Gus, but I didn't want to leave Iggy there to -- to -- do something else. Why does Gus have to be so headstrong and impulsive? (And who am I to talk!)
When Nick came back, he said, "I tried to talk him out of it all the way to the station. Man he was pissed!"
"Shit!" I said. "I wish I knew why I do stuff like that! I don't WANT to hurt anyone!"
"Hormones." Said Boyd.
"I know all about hormones -- and I know they run wild in young guys. But -- that's still not an excuse!" I cried.
"No -- it's not an excuse." He said simply. "But it's a reason. And knowing this, you have to be so much more careful -- well, obviously -- than you have been. Has this happened before?"
After a long pause, I said quietly, "Yes,"
"How old are you, Cole?"
"I'll be 21 in a week."
"Happy birthday. Nice present you have given yourself." He said humorlessly.
"Not only to me. Gus's is a week after mine."
"You're timing's impeccable!" He said. "What do you want to do now?"
"<>!! I hate to mention it even, but, - "
"You wanna beat him home!" Said Boyd. I nodded.
"Good choice."
"What??" said Kian, Nick and Iggy in chorus.
"I'm sorry guys. I know I've screwed up everyone's plans, but - - Gus is more important to me than anything in the world."
"Da. You're right." Said Iggy. "Would you mind? I think it would be better for me to stay here for another week -- or until school starts -- if deez guys will have me."
"Of course." Said Nick. "You're welcome to - "
"He can stay with us!" Chris said.
"Or you might want to stay with Chris and Boyd." Nick joked. Kian's lip came out. "You all could stay here `til tomorrow night -- after Boyd takes Cole home."
I called my dad and told him the basics of what happened. He said he would pick me up at the airport in the afternoon. I asked Chris and Boyd to keep a close watch on Iggy for the next few days. Chris suggested staying with him while Boyd took me home, but Nick said no. Chris should go with us. He promised to stay with Iggy while Boyd and Chris were gone. Iggy didn't need any more guilt for causing discord for anyone else.
When Gus got home, I was there waiting at the door. I had rehearsed all I would say. I had already determined that it wasn't Iggy's fault in his state of mind. It took Gus two days to get home on the bus. He arrived Monday afternoon.
I heard the key in the door. (It wasn't locked anyway.) It was like slow motion as I watched him back in to the entry hall. He had a magazine in his mouth and his suitcase and keys in his hands. He closed the door and turned. He looked me in the eyes and then looked at the floor. With his hands still full, he said, "I'm sorry, Cole!"
"YOU'RE sorry?" I cried. "No! It's me that's sorry! Whattaya mean YOU'RE sorry?"
"I just -- I shouldn't have left! I - "
"I can't believe you're blaming yourself!" I said. "I was the one who - "
"Cole -- you'll never believe who I met on the bus."
"Huh?" I said, amazed that he would have met anyone on the bus -- and that it was anyone so important that he interrupted this conversation.
"I was so pissed -- and hurt -- and I tried to sleep but I couldn't until well after dark. I fell asleep finally, and the bus came into a station. It was weird. It was like a station in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by clouds. I saw a man get on the bus. He looked out of place. Everything on the bus looked dingy. He looked -- clean -- almost as if he glowed. As he came closer, I about jumped out of my skin."
"You knew this dude?" I said.
"Yeah." He answered. "It was Rex."
"What -- oh! You were dreaming."
"Yeah. It was about then that I noticed I could see through him. He sat next to me. Someone was already there. He just sat in him!"
"Wow! I can't believe you dreamed -- like that!"
"Cole, he told me to grow up. ME! I have to tell you I was pissed at him. I told him it was you that needed to grow up! He said yeah, but I needed to let you. And at the same time grow up myself. He reminded me that it was not that long ago that both of us did almost this same thing,"
"Well, yeah, but we promised - " I started.
"That's what I said. He told me that I have to forgive you, and also myself."
"That's what he told me, remember? You must have recalled it in the dream."
"Whatever. It seemed like it was Rex. And I know you told me. It made sense when you told me. But in the dream -- I felt it! Cole, if it was a dream - - why did he have to have the bus stop for him? And if he was an angel, why -- why would he have to have the bus stop for him?"
"From your explanation, I -- I think it was real." It occurred to me that he might have thought I was trying to minimize his -- experience. " I duuno. Maybe it would have woken you up if he had just all of a sudden been there."
"Maybe I had to see him sitting in the man. The man he sat in was -- creepy. I was creeped out when he got on the bus. I thought, `Please don't sit by me!' But the man seemed to head for me!"
"Oh! Was it scary?" I asked.
"Um -- he wasn't so much scary as he was creepy. But here's the creepiest thing. After Rex sat in him, he turned to me and talked to me -- in Rex's voice. Yeah, I guess it was kinda scary."
Gus was still holding his keys and his suitcase. I walked to him and took his suitcase and placed it on the floor. He put his keys away. I took his hands in mine and looked in his eyes.
"Gus, I don't have any excuse for what I did. Iggy was crying and I felt bad. I kissed him first -- on his head, after he cried into my neck. I was only consoling him. Then he turned his face to me and kissed me. I kissed him back. I shouldn't have, but -- please one more time -- forgive me."
"Cole -- I -- I was wondering -- I mean -- do you -- maybe -- want to -- um -- date other guys -- er, people?"
My heart sank. "No, I - "
"We're both so young, Babe. I don't mean stop -- um -- seeing each other. But it seems like both of us seem to have trouble -- um -- controlling ourselves."
I got that "beyond feeling" feeling. I was numb. But what can I say if this is what Gus wants to do? It's not what I want. But I was the one -- well, the last one -- to break our promise. I dropped my hands from his. I felt like I was somewhere else and walls were closing in on me. "How can this be happening?" I heard a voice in my head say. Was maybe Gus only there to give me reassurance when I thought I was going blind? NO! I can't accept that. I want him for life. Is he having second thoughts?
"What?" He said.
"What - - What?" I asked. "I didn't say anything."
"You -- you -- looked like you -- wanted to." His mouth was quivering.
"Uh -- mm. I do. Boyd was saying -- after you and Nick left Saturday afternoon -- that, well, he reminded me that we -- you and I -- are still so young. I blamed myself for what happened. I thought he was going to excuse me -- but he didn't. Except - - he said we were so driven by our hormones and we need to make extra sure we don't do -- um -- stupid things."
I continued, "Remember how we decided that the threesomes and messing with other guys was not good? Well, I think -- at least for me -- I have to just decide now that I will not do ANYTHING -- no matter how innocent it seems -- that could get me in trouble. I feel so strong, and -- um -- I'm so much in love with you. But obviously, I can't fool around with sex."
"Yes."
"Yes - - what?" I asked.
"I forgive you -- on one condition: if you will forgive me for being such an ass. If I had stayed, we could be having fun this week."
"We still could. I'll bet they'd love for us to come back."
"Know what? You're right." Said Gus happily. "We probably still could. But -- let's have our fun here. Lets go out to Huntington, Seal and Newport. Let's go to Balboa and Corona Del Mar -- the caves! Let's just have ourselves our own little vacation -- before we go back to school."
I was again overwhelmed with emotion -- love -- for this boy -- MAN! I jumped into his arms and wrapped my legs around him. He almost fell. We were alone in the house, so he carried me to the bedroom and we celebrated -- one more time -- our love and renewed commitment to each other. We fell asleep and were awakened when Mom came home with the twins.
"Hello? Hello! Boys? You're both home now?" She said from the entry. She had seen Gus's luggage where we dropped them in the entry.
"Yeah, we're here, Mom. Just taking a nap." I threw on my boxers and came to the bedroom door. She was trying to carry both boys and handle her purse. I ran to her and grabbed both the boys.
"Is everything alright?" She asked.
"Everythings fine, Mom. I'll tell you more after I get dressed." I turned quickly when I noticed cum stains on my boxers. "I'll take the boys and we'll change them and -- do they need a nap?"
"No, they won't want to sleep. They slept in the car on the way home."
"Okay. Be right out!" I quipped, and ran back to the bedroom with the boys.
As soon as we were dressed and changed the boys, and got out to the kitchen, Mom said, "So -- looks like you two have made up. I thought - "
"It was my fault." Said Gus. "I freaked out when I saw Iggy kissing Cole."
"Oh? What - "
"It was really nothing. I'm ashamed and sorry!" he pressed on. "I shouldn't have stomped out like that. But now that we're home, we have decided it was for the best. We're gonna spend the rest of the time before school starts just having fun together."
"Well, as long as you're home, maybe you can help out with the boys a little." Mom said.
"Oh, you know we always love taking care of our little princes! Don't we, Marky!" He said. Marky giggled and nuzzled Gus's neck. That made Lexy giggle. "You guys wanna go for a walk? You need us for anything, Mom?"
"No. The boys would like to go out for a walk with you two. Dinner will be in 2 hours. That ought to give you plenty of time."
We got outside. It's hilly here, unlike the complete flat area around Downey. We took turns running ahead, the boys jostling in our arms -- and giggling. I grabbed Marky and handed Lex to Gus. "Go deep!" I hollered. He ran up the hill and I made like a pass to him.
Looking over his shoulder, with one free hand, he "caught" it and rolled on the lush lawn that he was next to. Lex was almost in hysterics. He wasn't giggling any more he was laughing. Funny thing was Marc was laughing almost as hard as Lex. Then he looked at me, as if to say, "So, is it my turn?"
So I ran to Gus and Lex and fell in top of them. I noticed Marky look panicky for a moment. Of course we were both careful not to hurt or shake the little boys up too much.
"I don't think they're gonna be girly boys!" Gus joked.
"You got something against girly boys?"
"Nope! But if these two are straight, I want them to be all boy!"
"Remember Eric Smythe -- in - "
"Heck yes. I had some classes with him."
"Did you think he was gay?" I asked.
"Didn't everyone? Kids were so mean! Eric was so fem! Did you know him?"
"Yeah. When I had mono, we had a study period in the library -- instead of P.E. -- in 8th grade. I don't think he was gay. I wanted him to be!"
"Really? You were attracted to him?" Gus asked.
"No. I just wished I could tell him that I was -- well, YOU know. I wanted to talk to SOMEONE about it. But I was too shy."
"I wasn't shy at all," he said, "except when it came to THAT subject. Hey, we should probably get off this lawn before the owner comes out and chases us off."
"We can go across the street to the park."
We got up and went across to the park and put the boys down. Marc felt the grass and giggled, of course Lex echoed his giggle -- even though he didn't know why we was giggling. Both of us lay down on our backs and put a boy on our chests. Both boys lay their heads down and listened and felt our hearts beating after all the running.
Before we knew it, they were asleep, and we sleepily looked at each other.
I woke up to some female laughter. I looked and two cute girls were coming toward us. I looked their way.
"Cole? Cole Stephanson?" I looked closer and the sun was behind them. I shaded my eyes and then I saw her. It was Kyra Olson! I dated her once or twice in high school. Before I could say anything Gus raised his head. "Omigod! Gus Hartwin!" She turned red. I could only guess why.
"Shhh." Said Gus. "Don't wake the boys. How are you, Kyra?"
"This is Taylor. My parents just moved here." She said. "Taylor lives next door. Are those your boys? Are you both married?"
I thought she was joking until I realized they probably couldn't tell the boys were identical twins while the were asleep. "These are my brothers." I said. "And no we're not married." I said, wishing we were! "Gus lives with my family".
"Oh! Great!" Said Kyra. "Hey! Do you guys wanna come over and hang out? I have already told Taylor all about you both." She giggled. "You were sooo proper, Cole. And Gus was sooo -- well, NOT proper." Both the girls laughed.
I wanted so much to tell her we were gay, but I didn't wanna out Gus to them without asking him.
"Remember the parties we went to -- and the ones we DIDN'T, Gus? We had more fun than anyone at the party! Maybe you guys could come over Friday night, and we could remind ourselves what was so fun about those not-parties."
Gus looked at me with a question in his eyes. I nodded. "I don't think so, Kyra. Cole and I -- we -- I mean -- we live together."
"Yes, so Cole said. If it's a problem over at your house, I know my parents would love to - "
"Kyra -- We also sleep together." Gus said it with enough emphasis that Marky woke up. "Oops!" He got up. Then Lex woke up, so I got up too.
"Ohhhhhhh! Twins! How kewwwwwwwt!" She said. "You mean you sleep like, in like the same bed?" She exclaimed. "Eww! Well, as long as you don't tell me you do more than sleep together in that bed!"
By this time Taylor was laughing. "Your so dumb, Kyra. They're gay!"
"Nuh-uh!" Kyra said. "Trust me, Taylor, HE's not gay!" she said, pointing at Gus. Gus nodded his head. "Ewww! How did that happen?
You weren't gay on prom night!" I started to remember what a bitch she was.
Gus answered, "I guess you spoiled me for any other girl. It was right after the prom that I started going steady with Rex."
"Rex who?"
"Remlin."
"What? You went steady with him?" she said, not knowing when to stop! "well, maybe after me, he was the only one that could satisfy you. Eww! I'm glad it was AFTER me that you went with him."
"Nope! Wrong again!" Gus said. "I said I started going steady with him after you. I started meeting him before you and I dated."
"Meeting him? You mean - - ?"
"Yup! I was doing both of you at the same time."
"That stinks!" She said. "How could you do that?"
"Same way you could do Tommy Withroe and me at the same time. And if what the guys said was true, you were probably doing several others at the same time."
Kyra's jaw was dropped, as was Taylor's as she observed what her new friend was made of. "Hrmph! I was doing Marie Wilson too!" Said Kyra, clearly trying to top Gus.
"Guess you got me beat, Kyra. You were a bigger slut than I was!"
"Hrmph! I only dated you because you were the quarterback."
"I know. If you hadn't slept with me, you couldn't brag you did the whole first string! But holy cow! I didn't know you were doing half the cheer squad too!"
"Well!? You did half the football team!"
"Nope! I didn't do any of them. Only Rex!"
"And Cole!" She sneered.
"That wasn't `til last year."
"And I didn't play football."
Kyra looked over, seemingly having forgotten Taylor was there. Taylor was silent and pie eyed during this whole ugly scene. Kyra got a sick look as if to say, "Omigod, did you hear all of that?" Then she said, "Oh, Taylor! I - "
"Kyra -- omigod! You're gay - " Taylor started.
"Taylor, it isn't quite - "
" - too?" Taylor ended
Kyra's mouth dropped and she looked at Taylor like she had just dropped in from outer space. Then she looked at Gus and me. Then back at Taylor. "You mean - - you - - ?" Taylor nodded, and blushed deeply. "Omigod, this is so -- so -- incredible! Omigod, omigod! We can go to our reunuin!"
"What?" I said.
"We have a reunion in two years. We can double to it. Taylor can go with you, and I can go with Gus! Omigod!"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Then Gus spoke. "In the first place, I don't plan to go and see all those phony people. I played that game too long, being as much or more phony than the rest! Well, obviously! If I go -- if WE go -- Cole and I are going as a couple! No more phony crap."
"But," Kyra explained, "if you do that, everyone will know you're gay! I couldn't live with myself if - "
"But that's the difference between you and I, Kyra: I don't give a fu -- er -- sh -- Yeah! I don't give a shit if they know! They all liked me based on a lie before."
"I don't think that's totally true, Babe." I said. "A lot of guys admired you because you were so talented. And it may be true that some of the girls would not look at you if weren't so popular, but -- a lot of them liked you just because they liked you -- and maybe because you were hot! Kyra dated me! And I wasn't popular." Kyra beamed at that.
"I have to admit though," said Kyra, "If you weren't so cute, I wouldn't have. Well, obviously you both are even more hot than three years ago!"
"So -- does this mean you're bi?" Said Taylor.
"DUH!" Said Kyra. "Is that -- um -- a problem?"
"I dunno. I - - uh - - I dunno."
"Well, anyway, maybe we can hang out sometimes." Said Kyra.
"Maybe." Gus echoed.
The boys were getting tired of this exchange, so we excused ourselves. We walked up the hill and down the next. It was in a great arc, so we just kept walking and ended back at the street that went back to our house. Dad was home by that time.
We walked in and went straight to the bedroom to change the boys' diapers. When we came out, Dad said, "Well, did you learn anything up in the land of trees and beer?" I hadn't talked to Dad since he brought me home, and of course Gus hadn't at all.
"Only that we had a pretty good fight and both of us won!"
I don't need details, guys -- unless you want advice. But unless I think about it, I don't have any -- if you learned something from it."
"We did!" I said with conviction.
Later, in bed, Gus asked what I thought about hanging out with Kyra. "Ummm -- no!" I said. "I know it seems hypocritical, but I can't take lesbians. I know it's my own issue, but I would be constantly thinking about them -- doing something. I've heard so many straight people say the same thing:
"I don't have anything against them, but -- it just creeps me out what they do." That's how I feel toward lezzies. Well, of course Kyra is a bitch anyway, but --
"Omigod, omigod!" Gus said, parroting Kyra. "I'm so glad to hear you say that! I think I'd go mad if I had to spend any more time with her than we did this afternoon. What's sad -- in a way -- is -- that's kind of the way I was -- back in high school."
"I know." I said soberly.
"Oh -- yeah. I can't believe I called you a fag! I wanted you soooo much. Guess popularity was more important to me -- at the time. That must have crushed you. It makes me cringe just thinking about it!"
"You weren't the only one. I was used to it. Even some of the girls called me a fag. I guess because I didn't try to get in their pants or bra when we dated. They never tried to get in mine."
"You're supposed to be the aggressor, Sweetie. They sure wanted to get into MY pants. I bet every girl I dated ended up sucking me off before I took her home!"
"I heard about that." I said. "Never happened to me. Who knows -- maybe I wouldn't be gay today if they had." I grinned. "KIDDING!" I said. "But seriously, Jazzy blames President Clinton for that. He says it was taboo before Clinton made it okay by doing it in the white house office -- and proclaimed it as not sex."
"Haha! It's sex!" Gus said. "GOOOOD sex! And I'm ready to prove it to you!" He attacked me -- quietly of course -- and gave me some of the best quiet-non-sex I ever had.
"Hey!" he said before we drifted off to sleep. "Lets go down to Huntington and do some surfing tomorrow!"
"Were you a surfer too?" I asked.
"I meant body surfing, but -- Yeah, I had a board. Hey! We could get it out of my parents garage and throw it in the back of the wagon."
"I've never done it." I said. "The waves at Huntington Beach are too big, I think to learn."
"You might be right. But just south of Seal is the inlet to the boat harbor. There are very quiet waves there that roll forever up the estuary. It's the first place I ever went -- when I was 13. Maybe we can rent a board for you."
"Actually there might be one in our garage too."
"Your brother's?
"No, actually Rex's."
"Oh! Rex was a secret surfer too? I can't believe he never told me!"
"Secret surfer?" I said.
"Oh, yeah. A lot of the football players -- they hated the surfers! Guess that's why Rex and I never mentioned it to each other. Damn! That coulda been fun! But actually about half of our team used to sneak out to Huntington or Seal to surf. We joked about being the banana boys -- because the surf boards look like banana's.
"Speaking of bananas -- do you think You'd probably sleep better, if I worked the stiffness out of yours?" I quipped.
"Oh YEAH! Make my banana cream!" He said and stretched out flat on his back. "I'm overdue!" He was overdue, based on the firmness of his banana!
In the morning we told Mom where we were going. "Surfing? Please be careful!"
"Mom, Would it be possible for us to take the boys with us to the beach?"
"Not if you're surfing!" She said, horrified.
"Noo! Not today. In a day or two. We want to go down to Laguna. And just walk around. No surfing. But we might want to take them into the water." Mom got a worried look on her face. "They love the water mom. "Just enough to get them wet and cool off a little. Can they -- or you -- go that long without nursing?"
"I guess I could pump some for you to take with you. Oh, Cole! I know I shouldn't shelter them too much, but I'm their mother. I would worry if I knew you were taking them in the water."
"We wouldn't go any further out than just sitting in the waves on the beach." Gus said. "Nothing scary at all."
"You'll have to put sun block all over them before you go -- and again after going in the water!" She warned.
"No problem!" I said gleefully.
We got out Rex's old board and then went to Gus's parents house. His mom said to take whatever he wanted. She wasn't very warm, but at least she wasn't nasty. With the two boards safely in the station wagon, and with our surfer shorts and flip flops on, we took off for the beach. Because of my eye, I still let Gus drive. And also I could look at him more. He was so beautiful there in his shorts, no shirt and looking so confident.
Seal Beach is sometimes nasty. There's a lot of working oil wells in the area and tar often comes up from under the sand. Dad said it was a lot worse when he was a kid. There is one beach between Huntington and Seal -- Bolsa Chica Beach. Dad said it used to be called tin can beach.
I guess it was a county area that no city -- or Los Angeles County -- took responsibility for, and people just left their trash there. But it was cleaned up and now is regularly cleaned.
We parked and realized it would have been good to get there a lot earlier than 9:30. We had to carry our boards a long way, and when we got there it was pretty crowded. I wondered if someone would think we were perverts -- two adults with a whole bunch of young kids in the water. But I soon forgot about that as I donned my first wave.
Gus told me how to do it. "It's easy! Just paddle - and when you feel the wave taking you, stand up!" I thought that was very easy to SAY! But it was as easy as he said! I stood up the first time, and rode forever as the wave rolled up into the estuary. I couldn't wait to paddle back and do it again.
About noon, I said, "I think I'm ready for Huntington!"
He smiled and said, "Okay!"
We had to park on the highway, and walk/climb down the Huntington cliffs -- with our boards. The water seemed more wild than the other side of the pier where the body surfers were. We paddled out -- right through some 5 foot waves crashing over us. We saw a bunch of surfers take that last wave that we paddled through. Then we sat and waited. A couple passed and I wanted to take them.
"Wait, Babe!" he said. "See everyone else waiting?"
On the fifth wave, I saw all of the other surfers get to their knees, so I did too. They started to paddle long before I would have, based on my earlier rides. Before I knew it, the wave was taking me. I knew just enough to make it dangerous! I knew that if I started to lag behind the wave, I had to edge closer to the front, which I did.
The wave was easily a 6 foot wave, and I was standing another 6 feet above that so it was 12 feet to the water on the front side of the wave! I couldn't get far enough up front. I guess the wave was really coming in fast. I learned what hang ten meant! I was as far forward as I could go on the board, and my toes (ten) were actually hanging over a bit. I looked over at Gus and his arms were sticking out as he balanced himself, also on the front of the board.
I should have been watching myself and what was going on and not Gus! I was chucked over the front of the wave and it plunged me to the bottom, and rolled me in the swirling sand. Before I could even worry about breathing, the water was gone. The other surfers were gone. The had pulled out when the wave got too close to the shore. And where was Gus? We was almost in hysterics looking at my bewildered expression.
Good thing there was a tether on my ankle. My board was right beside me
"Wanna go again?" Gus laughed.
"Duh!" I said.
We played all afternoon there. I "wiped out" a few more times, but it was more exhilarating fun than I've had since before the tumor.
Notes: Ahhhh, youth! If I could just do it all over again! (I'd probably make all the same mistakes!) Sadly, I think most people don't really learn the principle of forgiveness until after they die.