This is a work of pure fiction, based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero
Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother
Diane -- Jazz's wife
Janie and Jesse -- Jazz's kids
Rod -- Coles middle brother
Suzanne -- Rod's wife
Will and Cole V -- Rod's kids
Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil
Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad
Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom
Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend
Gus Hartwin -- Cole's Boyfriend
Michelle -- Cole's old girlfriend.
Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend
Ed -- Paramedic
Manolo -- Paramedic
Steve -- Manolo's boyfriend
Randy -- Found Boy
Curtis -- Found boy's brother
Kian Willis-- Friend in Vancouver
Nicolas Poole-- Friend in Vancouver
Howard Poole -- Nicolas's Father
Christian -- the pool guy
Boyd -- the pilot
Spike -- Cop and former classmate
The twins:
Marcus Aurelius
Alexander The Great
Jon -- Teacher's Aide
From Chapter 35
The living room doesn't have any outside light coming directly in the window like my bedroom does, so it was very dark. I could barely hear him as my eyes got used to the dark. I picked my way over to the couch. I first saw his outline, facing the back of the couch, away from me. He didn't hear me come in.
As I got close to him, I could see that his face was buried in his pillow and his whole upper body was shaking. I lay down on top of him, cradling him in my arms. He looked up at me for a moment and buried his face again, and I could hear his hoarse sobs, muffled by the pillow.
Chapter 36
"Sweetheart, come to bed." I whispered in his ear.
He shook his head.
"I can't sleep without you, Gus. I have missed you so terribly!" I pulled him off the couch and he tried to stifle his sobs all the way to the bedroom.
I pushed him into the covers and climbed in after him. His back was to me. I surrounded him with my body. He shook and cried for several minutes, then said, "I -- I -- I -- dr -- dr -- drove around for over an -- an -- an -- hour. I shouldn't have even come home."
"Shhhh -- yes, you should, Sweetheart! Yes, you should have! We have to get past this."
"I can never forgive myself -- never!"
"Okay, stop! Didn't we learn anything from Rex? Yes, you can forgive yourself! Just as I can forgive you!
"You -- you -- you -- can? How? I don't know if I c-could. I -- I -- you -- really f -- forgive me?"
"I will! I know I can. An angel told me I have to." I had already decided that I was not going to mention Rex again.
"An Angel? Oh, you mean in your dream!"
"Gus, you don't have to believe my dreams. I believe some of them are true. Not all, but some -- the ones I can understand. But yes, an angel told me I have to forgive you. Will you accept that I believe it?"
"This is insane. You're lying here trying to convince me to let you forgive me! What can I say? I love you more than life."
"I know I can forgive you, Gus. But forgiveness is not forgetting -- at least not here. Do you know what this has done to my trust in you?"
"My God, Cole, what can I do to make it up to you.?"
"Gus, I don't want to lose you, and I love you so much. I don't know the answer to that. Maybe nothing. Maybe only time can fix something like this. Time and a proven track record in the future, I guess. Would it be okay for me to go out to Jon's tonight and make it even?" Gus didn't answer. "Let me tell you, it has occurred to me to do just that -- to put us on equal ground. But I don't want that. I don't want Jon. I don't want anyone except you."
Tears were back in my eyes again. "My heart aches, Sweetheart." I continued. "Not only for myself. I know how that you feel completely powerless to do anything. You made a mistake. A huge mistake. I'm not even sure it can be called a mistake, but that's what I'm gonna call it. It's like now we have to start back at square one -- except at square one this huge screw-up was not in the way. I'm talking too much! I just want it to go away. How can that happen -- easily? It can't -- and I just don't know what to do to make it all better."
I stopped talking. He didn't answer for a long time. He alternately looked in my eyes and down at his lap several times. Finally he said, "If Rexxy or Marky made a mistake, or were hurt by one, a hug would make it all better. That doesn't work at our age. But it can be a start. When you came in and hugged me last night, it was like a soothing, cool wash cloth was put on a wound -- but at the same time it felt like a searing hot poker was stuck into my heart. I didn't feel I deserved it. I DON'T deserve it!"
We were sitting up on the bed by this time. I wrapped my arms around him and lay him back down with me. First he started to gasp and choke and then sob again, then I followed suit. I started to kiss his neck and rub his back. "Gus, you DO deserve it! I love you!"
He said, "I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it all better, Cole. It'll never happen again. Would it help you to know what happened over at Jon's last night?"
"I don't know." I said, wiping my eyes. I didn't think I had any tears left. "I don't know, but -- would it make you feel better? Yeah, go ahead."
He took a huge shuddering breath and started. "I went over there expecting to -- I guess -- have a one-on-one talk with Rex. I knew how important it was to him -- and to you -- that I try to forgive him. Cole, I really thought that I had already done that, but as I thought about him yesterday -- last night -- I realized that I still did have a lot of anger toward him. I was hoping -- looking forward to being able to talk to him and making it easier to let it go."
"So, I when got to Jon's he was very nice and excited to get going. He did all the same things he did before to get me relaxed and stuff. We tried for over an hour, but it just would not work. I even tried reasoning with my `left brain', telling it that I did this just the other day, and to shut up! It didn't work."
"So next he tried to hypnotize me -- actually put me in a trance. That flopped even worse. I was really disappointed. I got angry and the more I thought about it, the more pissed I got. I was pissed as myself. I think Jon thought it was directed at him. When I saw his fearful look, I couldn't help myself -- I burst out crying. I apologized for scaring him. I told him I was just a fuck-up and couldn't do it."
"He tried to reassure me that maybe this was just not the time, but I wasn't buying it. It was then he hugged me. I closed my eyes and I guess in that state of mind -- traumatic -- I forgot it was Jon. I thought it was you -- but only momentarily. I kissed his neck."
"He pulled me closer and kissed my lips. I thought about my first kiss with Rex, and I was suddenly there, kissing Rex! I kissed him back, and I guess it really turned him on!"
"Do you think he planned to try to do that?" I asked.
"Oh God! I hope not. No! I don't think so. But it was obvious he wanted it. Cole, it was totally my fault! He didn't make any move, except to hug me when I was feeling so badly. Cole after he kissed me back, I have to confess to you, I knew clearly it wasn't Rex. I'm so sorry, but I knew what I was doing. But somehow it didn't seem so important while I was so damned turned on."
"I justified it by closing my eyes and fantasizing it was you, but I knew it wasn't. I'm just telling you this to let you know that I'm not trying to excuse myself. I fucked up, I knew I fucked up and -- for whatever reason -- it didn't seem to matter -- at least enough to make me stop. In Jon's defense, he even asked me, if this was okay with me. I said -- (Sob!) Yes!"
"I closed my eyes and just went for it. I don't have any excuse or alibi. I did it. I'm ashamed I did it. I wish I didn't! But I did!"
"You still haven't told me what exactly you did. I mean kissing him was maybe bad enough -- but you said you had sex with him."
"He unzipped my pants and of course I was already hard. He could feel that from hugging me. He pulled it out and went down on it. He was clumsy, since it was his first time. I think he even bit me a little. When I was done, he kissed me again. Again I kissed him back. Then I did him."
"Nothing anal?" I asked.
"No." He said. Looking away.
"Well, that's not as bad as I might have imagined, I suppose." I said, sighing.
"Cole, I have no excuse to offer you. I know we've promised before, so telling you I promise can't mean much, but I do!"
"I know you do. I know." I said. "Do you think that we can step aside of this and go on? I mean, I'm gonna try to. It may take some time to get back where we thought we were, but -- maybe -- this will make us stronger. I know this much: you'll be harder on yourself than I am on you. So if I try to step around it, can you?
"I want to. Cole I'd die for you if it was .necessary."
"I'd do that for you too, but you know what?"
"What?"
"You'd die for Marc or Lex, wouldn't you?"
"Yes -- of course!"
"And - - for Mom or dad?"
"Yes."
"And I'll bet if it came to it, you'd do it for even Jon -- risk your life to save his, if he was in a bad situation."
"Maybe - - ? Oh. I see where you're going with this. That's not enough, is it?"
"It's really not. And really -- I don't WANT you to die for me. I want you to LIVE for me -- and ONLY me. But you know what else? I'm not going to ask you to. It would only be another promise that only time will prove. So, I'm just gonna TRUST that you will from now on be true to only me. And - - I'm going to try to do the same for you. Gus, maybe that's all we can ever promise each other -- to do our best."
"But yesterday was not my best." He said, looking me deeply in the eye.
"I know. Okay, ready to step around it and keep going?"
"Yeah." He said. I hugged him and kissed him. There were still tears in his eyes. I kissed them away. I kissed his cheeks and then his mouth. He started to resist a little, but then gave in and kissed me passionately. I was pushed over the edge and started to stroke him. He started to go down on me. I stopped him and pulled him back up. I hugged him and said,
"I think we better put anything like that on hold until you get tested. Especially since he may have bitten you."
"Oh. Yeah." He said, dejected.
"Go to the free clinic -- so Mom and Dad don't have to know."
"Yeah. Okay."
We had to abstain for a week. It's so easy to take sex and intimacy for granted! I had to really control myself not to get too judgmental. It wasn't as if I was perfect, after all. I learned a lot about forgiveness -- we both did -- from this and our experience with Rex. But sometimes it seems God wants us to really learn a principle well. What else could account for what happened next?
It was two weeks later. Gus and I were back to a normal sex life. Normal for us was at least once a day. Sex surely is good medicine for a wounded heart! It was Wednesday. Mom was out shopping. The boys were asleep. Gus pulled a day shift that day, so it was just me and the twins, when there was a knock at the door. I opened it quietly and put my finger to my mouth to indicate quiet. Standing on the front porch was an old friend.
"Iggy!" I said, so excited I was almost shaking, grinning ear-to-ear. "Come in, but -- shhh -- my brothers are asleep."
I stepped aside and he walked in. I went and turned on the baby monitor and closed the bedroom door. I came back out and he was still waiting in the entry. "Come in the living room, Dude!" I said. I looked him up and down. His hair was longer than I remembered it -- shoulder length -- and he obviously had been working out. He had on tight jeans and a skin-tight ribbed purple tee. He grinned and looked gorgeous. "Iggy! Dude! You look -- incredible! Been working out huh?"
"Yah, a little." He said in his irresistible accent.
"How did you find us? We moved!"
"I know. I vas rilly disappointed. But I vent to some uff de neighbors. One uff dem trusted me enough to give me dis address."
"Mom is gonna be so glad to see you! What brings you here? How is Dexter?"
At that question he got very somber -- looked hurt. "Dex vas kilt."
"What?!!" I exclaimed. "Killed? What -- why? I mean - oh, crap, Ig! I'm so sorry! When did that happen? What happened?"
"I guess zay don't like queers dere in Colorado. He vas murdered." Iggy was so Russian! He should have been crying by now, but not a tear!
"Murdered! Iggy! I don't know what to say! I just don't know how I'd deal with that! How long ago?
"Just before Christmas."
"Awww, Those -- what a blow! But - - why didn't you call -- or -- come by sooner?"
"I thought I knew your number, but zah number I input only got a disconnected number. Zah letter I sent came back vith no forwarding address."
"I don't know why that happened. Bad luck! Oh Iggy, I'm so sorry! So -- are you at your parents up in San Burdoo?"
"Naw! Zey are on holiday in Russia. Vell, yes! I AM zair, but zay are not."
"Are you going back to Colorado?"
"NO! I don't think I could."
I thought about what Gus and I had just been through, and somehow it was minimized by this. "How have your parents -- um -- treated you?"
"You KNOW my Muzzah! She loffs me no matter wut! But fazzah insists it is my lifestyle to blame. Oh he loffs me too, but - " he showed signs of breaking down, but resisted it.
"Some people just don't understand. MOST people actually. But some churches don't exactly teach charity in cases like ours. Is the Russian Orthodox like that?"
"Oh yah! It is a mortal sin."
"Meaning -- worthy of death?"
"Oh yah! My fazzah -- he tries to loff me, but he won't even look at me." Iggy said, his lips and eyes were quivering.
"Iggy! C'mere!" I said. I beckoned to him with my arms. He willingly melted into them. "Let it go, Ig! You'll feel better. Let yourself cry. Have you cried since he died?" He shook his head. I rubbed his back and head. " Ig, now is the time to let go. There's no judgment here -- you know that! I pulled back, with tears in my own eyes. He looked at me and started to shake all over. He tried to speak, but it came out garbled., then he broke.
Iggy used to be my size, but now he was so much more muscular. He must have weighed 215 lbs. He collapsed in my arms. I half dragged him to the couch and lay him down. I ran to get a bed pillow. The boys were still sleeping soundly. When I returned, he was wracked in sobs and his whole body was trembling, his shoulders shaking like he had palsy in them.
I kneeled by the couch and pushed the pillow under his face, and then put my arms around him, and lay my head on his trembling back. He had held this in for over eight months. It seemed to be all coming out here and now. He turned over on his back and put his arms out to me again. I hugged him, still kneeling on the floor by the couch he was lying on. He easily lifted me over on top of him and started anew to cry.
I felt uncomfortable lying on top of him, but I was so sorry for him, I just went with it. "Oh my Gott, Cole, you -- you -- you haff no idea -- how -- how -- how much I needed to -- to -- to - "
"I think I might, actually." I whispered. "It's gonna be okay, Ig, it really is." I tried to rub his back again, but he was lying on it, so all I could reach was his neck. I massaged it and then worked my way to his face. I stroked it on one side and put my cheek on the other. He started to get some control of himself, and then he turned his face to mine and kissed me on the lips.
I did exactly as Gus had said he did when Jon kissed him. I fought it for only a moment, thought about what Gus had done, then felt justified in soothing my friend in this way. I kissed him back. Half way into the kiss, I knew it was a bad thing to do, but between trying to soothe my friend and feeling half justified because of Gus's actions earlier, I let it happen. He pulled me even closer and squeezed my butt. That brought forth an involuntary flexing of my groin, and I felt his do the same.
Just as he started to hump me from below, "Okay, boys! Take it in the bedroom!" Mom's voice said. "I thought you were working, Gus -- oh! Your not Gus! You're -- oh! Igor! Iggy. Well! This is quite a welcome you are getting from my son!"
Iggy pushed me off of him and sprang up. "Gus? Are you still vith Him?"
"Yeah," I said embarrassed and completely chagrinned. "mom, this isn't what it looked like, I - "
"I was hoping not!" Mom replied. "Well, I think it would be better not to mention it to anyone else. It looked pretty incriminating."
"Cole! Vye din't you tell me Gus vas still -- erm -- vith you? Mom stood her ground as if to echo what Iggy said.
"It just never came up." I said lamely.
"IGGY!" Came a shout from the front door. Gus came through the door! I felt like a piece of crap! Gus looked at me and asked, "Is everything okay?"
"Umm -- er -- yeah, but -- erm - " I stammered.
"Hello Gus!" Iggy said. He strode over to him and gave him a hug. "Not exactly okay, but it's better now dat I'm here. Dex vas murdered, Gus." Iggy was again his stolid Russian Rock.
"O my God, Ig! Oh my -- um -- Oh! I'm so sorry."
"That's was your -- um -- lover?" My mom asked.
"Yes ma'am." Iggy said.
"Oh you poor dear!" Mom and Gus asked all the same questions that I did, but this time Iggy remained the rock. Mom looked at me with a look of at least partial understanding. "Cole go get the boys up. If they sleep any longer they'll be up half the night. What did you do to wear them out so much? Iggy and Gus -- why don't you boys go get cleaned up for dinner. Cole and I will get it on the table." Iggy looked at Gus and we all headed for the bedroom. I Got the twins and brought them out to Mom, who sat and nursed them.
"Sit!" She said to me. I did as I was told. "I don't think Igor will say anything to Gus -- and I don't think you should either. I see now what must have happened. You were comforting him and it went too far!"
"Yeah, but - "
"Don't think that I didn't see the red eyes you both had when I came home and saw -- what I saw." She said. "And maybe it's a good thing that I came home when I did! Is everything okay between you and Gus?"
I could not lie to my mom -- ever! "Pretty much." I offered.
"Which means, no! Well, I won't pry any further. But I don't think Gus needs to be worried about this. But you do what you have to do."
"Mom, I - "
"And Cole! It's still YOU'RE responsibility. It's obvious that Igor didn't know about Gus when he -- and you -- well, you get the idea."
"Yeah, Mom, I think I do. Thanks."
"Okay we won't speak of it again. Go turn the oven on to 450 degrees. And call the take and bake pizza place. My left over tuna casserole won't be good enough for our distinguished company! You three boys can go together to pick up the pizza, when Igor and Gus are ready."
"Hi, son. Couldn't sleep?"
"Oh, hi, Dad. No."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Dad, I'm so confused."
"Your mom told me at least part of the story. Wanna share the rest?"
"Well, without going into details, we both did some stupid things."
"You and Gus?"
"Yes. He did worse than I did, but -- if Mom had not walked in -- I'm not sure if I wouldn't have done the same -- or worse. Dad," tears sprang to my eyes. I hated that! I didn't like my dad to see me cry. "How do you do it? Both of us were in different but similar situations. How -- I mean what -- did we do wrong? What can we -- er -- I do different so it never happens again."
"Cole, you're both so young. And as grown up as you think you feel -- well, you ARE still living at home with your parents." Dad winked at me. "Believe me, I know how young people do some pretty stupid things. When they are very young, it amounts to skinning their noses. At your age, the outcomes are a bit more consequential. Cole, I made some of those mistakes when I was your age. But I wasn't married yet. Well, you're not either, but -- you may as well be. Kids and all!" He laughed.
I laughed too, but wasn't all that amused. "I just don't know what to do." I complained. "Gus doesn't know about what I did with Ig this afternoon. Do YOU think I should tell him? He didn't have to tell me about his fu --oops -- screw up. But he did."
"I'm trying to think of some reason to tell him. Umm -- do you think you have learned something from your experiences?"
"Duh!" I replied.
"Well, if he has a really hard time with the guilt part of his thing, then it might help to tell him that you might have done the same thing. It may help him forgive himself."
"Ye -- eaah. I -- I AM gonna tell him. He IS having a lot of trouble with that. I guess I was too. Dad, I was partly justifying what I was doing because of what he did. I know that's so immature, but -- maybe there has been a thing or two to be learned."
"Maybe. Well, I need to get back to bed. Working men have to go to work on Thursdays!" he teased. I laughed.
"Yeah, I think I can sleep now. Thanks Dad. I love you!"
"Love you too, Cole."
When I got back to bed, Gus woke up. "Hi." He said.
"Hi Babe. I have something to tell you." Even in the near-dark, I saw his eyes widen. He looked scared. "I have been able to forgive you -- completely."
He looked unbelieving at me. "I haven't even begun to forgiven myself yet. That's not fair!" He still looked scared or something. Then it hit me. He was worried that maybe I had hit it off too good with Iggy.
"Well, you may find it a little easier to forgive even yourself when I tell you the rest of the story."
I told him everything, including the talks I had with both my parents. "Wow! He said. Thanks for telling me. I wanted to sleep with Iggy tonight -- to comfort him, but I didn't even want to suggest it. Guess you've already been comforting him."
"Go get him." I said. Iggy was sleeping in the guest room. Gus silently went to the other room and came back pulling a very groggy Iggy behind him. He pushed him in beside me.
"Ig, we can't do what we used to do -- but we both felt bad about you sleeping all alone in there. Wanna snuggle a bit?" I chuckled.
All he did was sigh and snuggle back into my body. Gus in turn spooned into Iggy's. I squeezed Iggy's shoulders. "Now where were we this afternoon?" I said. He started with a giggle but then it quickly turned into quiet sobs and gasps. He definitely needed more release. We fell asleep in that mode. The last thing I remember thinking was how I'd forgotten how much I loved Iggy.
Notes: That's enough to leave us with for the weekend. Lack of forgiveness and gratitude have been called the greatest sins of this generation. I'm thankful for all that God has given me -- including many readers who often show their love for me and my work. Comments are received with gratitude and joy -- even negative ones. Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve