This is a work of pure fiction, based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero
Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother
Diane -- Jazz's wife
Janie and Jesse -- Jazz's kids
Rod -- Coles middle brother
Suzanne -- Rod's wife
Will and Cole V -- Rod's kids
Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil
Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad
Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom
Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend
Gus Hartwin -- Cole's Boyfriend
Michelle -- Cole's old girlfriend.
Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend
Ed -- Paramedic
Manolo -- Paramedic
Steve -- Manolo's boyfriend
Randy -- Found Boy
Curtis -- Found boy's brother
Kian Willis-- Friend in Vancouver
Nicolas Poole-- Friend in Vancouver
Howard Poole -- Nicolas's Father
Christian -- the pool guy
Boyd -- the pilot
Spike -- Cop and former classmate
The twins:
Marcus Aurelius
Alexander The Great
Jon -- Teacher's Aide
Chapter 35
"So, I have never known even one gay guy before, let alone a couple." Said Jon. "That must be hard sometimes."
"It's not too bad." I said. "At least not now, anyway. I still don't think I would choose it if there was a choice. It WAS hard growing up." I looked at Jon. "What?" I said as he was smirking.
"It was funny when you talked about growing up, is all. I'm 32 and you can't be more than 19. You have so much more growing before you're grown up."
"Well, I'll be 21 on August 31, and Gus will follow a month later. But I think I know what you mean."
"I also think," Gus started, "that being gay has made us grow up a little faster than a lot of teens do. Like Cole has said, it's not too bad now, but being gay all those years, denying it and then when I finally admitted it to myself, and STILL having to keep it a secret -- that makes you grow up a little faster, I think."
"You may be surprised to know that it's not all that easy even being straight -- as a teen." Said Jon. "I was shy and thought I was a nobody. Every pimple was a traumatic event for me. Take you for example, Gus. I bet -- well, if you were the jock that Cole says -- I'll bet everyone else thought you had not a care in the world. They carried this heavy burden that they were never enough -- for their school mates, for their teachers -- for their parents -- for THEMSELVES! It's just hard being a teen."
"Well, add to that the fear of popping a boner every time you went into the showers with 12 other buff football players, half of them gorgeous, and all of them seemingly hung better than you!" Said Gus. "I can tell you details you wouldn't want to know about Robby Wick's ass or Jack Slater's pubic hair! Imagine if YOU could have been in the girls shower, then not be able to tell ANYONE about it -- how it made you feel!"
"What was special about Robby's ass? No -- seriously -- what was it that fascinated you so?"
"I -- don't know. Maybe the fact that I knew I could never touch it -- and wanted to so much it made my nuts hurt. Once I saw a pimple on it, and wanted so much to pop it for him! Just to be able to touch his ass. The one time one of the guys grabbed my ass in the shower I thought I would either die from fear of popping a big one, or HAD died and gone to heaven! I think it was the only time I ever prayed growing up! `Please God, don't let it grow!' And yet I was so excited I wanted to scream!"
"But you kept your secret, didn't you?"
"Well, I guess so."
"That was because all those other guys were so absorbed with their own paranoia and teen angst that they didn't have time to notice that you were uncomfortable. You think that Robby didn't KNOW he had a big cherry on his ass? He was probably so embarrassed! And the only thing that kept him from popping it himself was the fact that then it would be a bloody cherry! But I'll grant, it must have been harder to be gay. Did ANYONE know?"
"I thought Asshole here might. One day I caught him staring at me."
"I beg your pardon!" I teased.
"Well, Cole dated ALL the popular girls. I secretly thought it was cool that he played the field -- never went steady with any of them."
"Secretly?" Said Jon.
"Yeah! I had such a crush on him, and wished it was I that he was dating! But openly, I pretended to hate him!"
"How did you finally come out?"
"Huh?"
"What happened to make you come out? High school was only a couple years ago."
"I didn't come out. I -- we -- still are not `out' like to the world."
"But you had to somehow let Rex know -- wasn't he your first -- um -- boyfriend?"
"Remember, Rex was years older. He seemed to know I was gay, and after a big game one night -- I was a senior -- and we had dances after all the home games. I went outside for some air and he was standing there drilling me. I knew who he was. He was a much bigger star than I was!" Gus admitted.
"Oh, I don't know about that!" I said.
"He was!" Gus insisted. "I KNOW that guys 4 years younger than I don't know who I am!"
"Rex knew!" I said.
"True, but he had just seen me play that night. We were the only two outside the dance and he walked up to me and said, `Your gay aren't you?' While I was hemming and hawing and choking he grabbed me and kissed me. It was just like in the movies when a guy grabs a chick and kisses her. She squirms and tries to get away, but then she gets into it and starts kissing him back. That's exactly what happened. I had kissed SO many girls, but none had ever kissed me like that!"
"So did you go back in to the dance?" Jon asked.
"Yeah -- after I went to his car! He was half again as big as I am. He took my hand and dragged me to the parking lot. He was the kind of guy who didn't care if someone saw him. I was scared shitless. When we got back to the car, I was relieved that it had darkened windows. It was a piece of crap, actually, but the windows were dark and no one cold see what we did."
"What did you do?" Asked Jon breathlessly.
"You're really in to this, aren't you?" Asked Gus.
"Me! NO!! It's just -- um -- that is -- um -- it's interesting." He stammered.
"Whatever. What did we do? We kissed and he fondled me. I didn't know WHAT to do. He put my hand on his dick, and I felt it. It was of course already hard as a rock. He then unzipped my pants and felt mine. It was soft -- I guess because I was still so scared. He squeezed it gently while he kissed me all over my face and neck. He unbuttoned my shirt and kissed and sucked on my chest and stomach. I about shit when his mouth went around my dick!"
"Geez! What did that feel like?"
"You've never had a blow job?"
"Yeah, but not from a guy!" Jon was much more excited than he wanted to admit. I met Gus's eyes and we just smirked, and then Gus continued.
"He sucked me off like I never imagined it could be. Girls had done it to me, but nothing like what he did."
"I can only imagine! A guy must really know what another guy wants!" Said Jon, rubbing his crotch.
"Well, there's lots of guys that would love to suck a good looking guy like you off -- especially if you can make them believe you are straight. But I guarantee they won't do it like Rex did to me." Now Gus was playing with him! Jon's tongue was almost hanging out -- drooling! He actually had to slurp it up before he talked next.
"Was Rex the best you ever had?" Then he realized what he had done. "Oh shit! Never mind. That was a stupid question!" Both Gus and I burst out laughing. "What??!!" Jon said, frustrated!
"You are so horny!" Said Gus. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with us."
"Hey! I'm not gay!"
"And you know what?" I said. "We know you're not! But there are a lot of otherwise straight guys who would love to have their dick sucked by a guy."
Jon turned white for a moment and looking indecisively for a moment, he finally said, "You're right. I AM straight. I have never been interested in guys. But I always wondered what it would feel like."
"Well, next time a girl is sucking on you, close your eyes and pretend it's a guy. It can't be all that different."
"Oh, I think it can!" He exclaimed. "Like I said, a guy must just KNOW what another guy wants. But that's not what I was talking about."
He went silent and we didn't know what he was talking about -- though we both suspected it. Finally he said -- in a whisper, as if the walls might hear us, "I was talking about sucking. I have always wondered what that would be like -- you know -- to suck a dick."
It was obvious that he was fishing now -- hoping that one of us would volunteer to let him do us.
"Well, it's getting pretty late." I said. "We really need to get home. The boys will need us early in the morning."
"The boys?" He said, expectantly.
"Our little twin brothers. We help care for them."
"Oh." He said, clearly disappointed.
"Look, Jon," I said, "Gus and I are a couple. We wouldn`t do anything like that. And we aren't really out -- even in the gay community. So -- I'm sorry, but we can't even hook you up. Sorry. Go to a gay bar. There might be some guy -- clean enough to attract you -- that might give you what you want. Maybe sometimes it's harder to be a bi-guy!"
"Hey! I'm not -- well -- maybe I am. Don't tell anyone!"
"Heh!" Gus chuckled. "Who would we tell? Don't worry."
"Jon, thanks so much for doing this for us tonight." I said. "You can't know what it meant to us."
"You're welcome. Thanks for calling me! I have a LOT to think about now, don't I?"
"I'd say so!"
"Can I tell you one more thing before you leave?"
"Shoot!" I said.
"I was really disappointed that Gus didn't -- um -- make love -- to Rex."
"Well, that's easy!" Gus said. "Rent yourself a video."
"I might have to do that. Bye guys!"
When we got to the car, Gus said, "We have a lot to think about too, don't we?"
"Like?"
"That seemed so real! I mean I've never believed in séances and stuff, but if that was real -- I just don't know!"
"Gus -- write it down. And as you are writing it, I think that it will become clearer to you if it was real -- to you. I really believe that we all live in our own reality. Even though we are a couple, we still have our own reality. So even if it's real for you -- and real for me -- it might be unreal for someone else. Does that make sense?"
"Well, if you mean do I understand it -- no. But still, I experienced it -- or it seemed like I did -- so yeah, it makes some kind of sense. And -- it was sweet to me - all the time it was happening - that we were in it together."
"Did you want to do anything more with Rex?" I asked.
"Not really. No! I am kind of sorry we could not give Jon a show though. Damn, he wanted it, didn't he?"
"I'm glad you didn't, but -- I was really wondering what I would feel if you had. Gus, I felt both Rex's emotions AND my own. It was weird."
"I just realized something. You did this all for me, didn't you? So I could see Rex too."
"Did you hear what Jon and I were talking about while you were asleep?"
"No -- why?"
"Well, maybe your subconscious did. When Jon was setting up the encounter, he only did as I asked him to. I told him my ideas about the spirit world and time. To me it was real. I really believe we both saw Rex. It doesn't matter what he was wearing. For all we know, there is no clothing in heaven -- or the spirit world. Adam and Eve weren't given any until God realized it was a problem for them. Maybe we just saw him as we perceived him."
"He was so perfect looking. No more sores. No blemishes at all. He looked sweeter than I ever saw him look. He WAS sweeter -- wasn't he?" Gus asked.
"Yeah. Did he look older to you? He looked more -- well, about Jon's age to me -- maybe 30?"
"He DID look older!"
"Yeah, I think we saw the same Rex. Maybe you just needed to see more of him than I did. Who knows?"
"Thanks, Babe! It was `SEW KEWL', as Jon would say."
"He does sound gay, doesn't he!?" I laughed.
"Like a flamer!" Gus giggled.
We pulled into the driveway, and went into the dark house. Mom always leaves the porch light on for us. We tiptoed into our bedroom. Lex snorted loudly and let a little high pitched groan go out of him. I reached for him.
Gus grabbed my arms. "Let him be, sweetheart." He whispered in my ear. He then patted Lexxy on his bottom for a moment, until his breathing became normal again and we went to bed. I stayed awake for a long time listening to Lex breathe. Finally I drifted off to sleep.
"That was so cool, Coley!" Said Rex.
"So you're okay?" I asked. "I was wondering when you got kind of sucked away from us so quickly." I knew it was a dream, because I could see from both eyes.
"I'm fine. I just keep losing my halo."
"You're kidding!" I exclaimed.
"I am! There is no such thing as a halo. Well, there is, but it's the glow that the angels create."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"It's not a glowing ring above their head. Their whole person glows. It's their purity I think. I've got a long way to go!"
"You mean you can -- still grow and get better there?" I said.
"Oh yeah! You should see some of the people that we assumed were so goody-goody. Coley, there are no secrets here. But there is no shame either. Oh there was at first, but as soon as I realized that everyone here has things to clean up -- it just didn't matter. As someone gets cleaner and cleaner, they start to glow -- or something. Anyway, you can actually see the ones who are close to moving on, from their glow -- their halo."
"Moving on?" I parroted.
"Yeah. Remember in the Wizard of OZ how Dorothy and the others were cleaned up before they met the wizard? It's kinda like that here. I think there are some things that can't be cleaned, but those people aren't even allowed in here. They are like in a prison or something. And maybe some of those in here had to be cleaned up from the prison. I dunno. I just know that Some people leave here, to meet Jesus. And if we see them again, they are glowing."
"And they're angels?"
"Maybe. I think some are just coming back to see friends."
"What is an angel?"
"That's a messenger from God."
"Maybe everyone that comes back IS a messenger from God."
"Maybe, but I don't think so. Anyone can go back."
"What do you mean, `anyone can go back'?"
"If I wanted to, I could spend all my time there in your reality."
"My reality?"
"You can't see it, but the spirit world is right there where you are. We can see you any time we want. But most of the time we don't want to."
"Really? Why not? I would want to be around my family as long as I could. If I die before Gus, I don't want to leave him."
"And you won't -- for awhile. I didn't. Mostly I hung around your place for awhile. It was the place I felt most loved. But it gets boring. I couldn't talk to any of you. So I spent less and less time there. Besides, there ARE others here -- family -- that I know love me. I didn't know who they were at first. But I do now."
"But you're talking to me now!" I said.
"Yeah, but dreams are not dependable. And I really like -- well, love -- my new found relatives. They tell me that someday, I will love my parents. That must be part of the clean up, I guess. I still don't -- um -- well, let's just say, I don't care much about them -- yet. But Gramps says that I will -- eventually. I don't understand all of it, but it has to do with forgiveness. We can't be forgiven -- by Jesus -- until we forgive everyone else first."
"Can't?" I said.
"That's right. One thing that I learned -- or seemed to just know -- when I got here was -- Even God has to follow the law. His law is not the same as yours, of course, but it's eternal, and he is also bound by it. Jesus cannot forgive us until we forgive everyone first. It's confusing -- even to me -- because actually he already HAS forgiven me -- but it has no effect until I clean up my act and forgive everyone else."
"So why don't you just forgive your parents and then you can move on."
"It's not that easy. You have to confront every little thing you have against someone. Clear it in yourself. With some people, it's just easier to put it off for later. I have forgiven a lot of people already though. You were pretty easy!"
"You had to forgive me? What for?" I said defensively. "I mean, I'm sorry that I gave you reason to -- um -- NOT forgive me -- but -- what was it that I needed forgiveness from?"
"I dunno. Once we forgive, it seems to just leave. No one would want to remember it anyway. Somehow God -- or the law -- or something, makes us -- or lets us -- forget. It's like losing weight. You feel freer every time it happens. But you don't go back and examine it!"
"Wow. Rex, did you know how much I loved you when you were Roddy's best friend?"
"Well, I don't know that it was any more than I loved you. Coley -- please tell Gus I love him."
"I'm afraid to tell him about this dream. He never dreams. He'll feel bad."
"He'll feel worse if you don't."
"Why?" I asked.
"He'll know you are keeping something from him. Not consciously maybe, but he'll know. And also I want you to ask him to forgive me -- for what I did to him."
"He already has." I assured Rex.
"Not all of it. Coley, it's much easier to do when you are there, than it is here."
"Really? Why?"
"I dunno. It's like when you forgive someone there, something physical happens -- to your body. You may not know it, but it does. When you don't have a body, it's just harder -- for some reason."
"Wow! That's -- so -- um -- I don't know. I never knew that. It's hard to even understand."
"Think of it this way. Remember in the movie Ghost where the subway dude wanted so badly to smoke? But he didn't have a body so he couldn't. People that were heavy smokers have a really hard time here. They still have the craving, but there is no physical way to gratify it. They can eventually get over the craving, but it's much easier there -- with a body -- to give it up, than to get over the craving here. Well, it's something like that with forgiveness. Dude, I am still trying to get through forgiving Gus."
"Gus! Why? What did he do to you?" I marveled.
"Dude! He left me! I know it was justified, with all the crap I was putting him through. But still, it hurt me so much! I am working on forgiving him. I KNOW he needs to forgive me too. He has moved on to you now, but he still hated that I played around when we were together. And he still holds that against me. I could hear it -- see it -- when he last spoke of it. I was addicted to sex. I just recently got THAT out of my system. I was lucky. That takes much longer for some. Dude I had such sexual cravings when I first came here!"
"Really?" I exclaimed.
"Oh yeah. And with no body to express it, it was agonizing. No masturbation to relieve it temporarily -- like I could do there."
"Why do you suppose it was easier for you than some others?"
"I think it was because I overcame a lot of it after I knew I had AIDS, before I died. Oh man! Don't EVER off yourself! It's never as bad as you think! The last one everyone has to forgive is ourself. And it's the hardest. I have something I'm working on all the time. As soon as I overcome one thing, I have another that I realize I have to forgive myself for. Hanging myself, interestingly enough, was not so hard. I have taken care of that."
"So -- why have you not forgotten it?" I asked.
"Some things are exempt from the `forgive-and-forget' principle. Actually I can remember all of my own stuff."
"Really? Wow! I wonder why that is?"
"I think it's because when we meet Jesus we have to remember it. I understand that we have to report everything to him that we did. Good and bad. Some things can't be forgiven. But still everyone has to face him and tell him."
"What things can't be forgiven?"
"Things like murder -- stuff like that, I guess."
"Killing yourself?" I asked. I felt ashamed even asking, but I had to.
"I dunno. All I know is that I had to forgive myself. And he will forgive whom he will forgive. I understand - "
"You keep saying, `I understand'. How do you understand?"
"Some things I have been told. Others I seem to just know. I understand that only Jesus knows our hearts. So only he can judge us. You will have to forgive me too, you know."
"Rex, I did that a long time ago."
"You just think you did. The other day, I heard bitterness in you when you said I was stupid."
"Oh Rex! I'm sorry! I didn't mean - "
"Coley, it doesn't matter! It doesn't bother me -- or anyone here when people say stuff like that. We know it's justified. But in YOU, you have to forgive me totally to be free. It's the one thing that people seldom understand there. If there's anything that I would want everyone to know it's that. Forgive everyone! Everyone has their reasons why they do things. And seldom is it to hurt someone else. And even if it was, it still needs to be forgiven. Oh - - Wow! I just felt something -- something big!"
"What?" I asked, amazed.
"I don't know. But I'm supposed to ask YOU what it is!" He said.
"Ask me? How could I know?"
"I dunno, but I seem to just know that you have the answer. What just happened?"
I blinked to make sure it was a dream. Yup! Both eyes working. "Um -- well -- oh! I think I know!"
"What?" He said, expectantly.
"You just became an angel -- for a moment -- you were delivering God's message to me. You were -- or ARE -- an angel!"
"You're exactly on, Coley. I love you! Gotta go for some reason now -- tell Gus! Bye Coley!"
I was left alone. It was the first time that I ever did not wake up or just go deeper asleep after a dream. I was left to contemplate it. I don't know how long I thought about it -- maybe all night, because I was awakened by my favorite alarm -- Lexxy!
"Hi li'l cutie, how's my boy?" I said as I lifted him on to my chest. "Are you my boy?" I definitely think he said yes! He snuggled deep into my neck and sighed. I felt guilty for leaving him alone all night. I think he was okay with it though. He bit my neck! "Ouch!" I said. Lexxy giggled! Then of course he did it again. He knew better than to bite Mom. They learn very quickly that a bite the tit that feeds them!
Marc started to scream. Gus sprang up and grabbed him. " S'matter, dude! A little jealous are we?" Gus said. Marc sucked on his neck. "Hey! You're gonna give me a hickey!" He said, then he pulled him off. We got up and changed the boys and brought them to mom. Then we came back to our bed.
"I had another dream last night." I said. I dreaded telling him what it was about.
"I know. I'm surprised you didn't wake the boys up - all the noise you made! How is he?"
"Umm -- how's who?"
"I heard you talking to Rex. I don't know why, but most of what you were vocalizing was gibberish, but I knew it was Rex and - - I also know that you have to tell me about it."
"How would you know that?" I asked, amazed.
"I think I dream too, but -- I never remember it. I just know that you are supposed to tell me about your dream."
"Sigh!" I started. "Sweetheart, do you believe that we were actually communicating with Rex last night at Jon's place?"
"I was wondering. I had my doubts. But after the strong feelings I had last night -- as you were dreaming -- I think I do believe it."
I told him everything. I think I remembered it word-for-word almost. "So, we have to forgive him, I guess." I said.
"Does it somehow stop his progression -- or something if we don't?" Gus asked.
"Dunno. I didn't get that impression. It's for us that he wants us to do it. It's a lot harder to do after we die."
"But how do we do it?"
"I guess we just think about him -- that's what I'm gonna do -- and any negative feelings that we have, we have to get rid of. I think that when we are cleared, we will feel nothing but love for him."
"Wow! I don't know where to start."
"I do. For me, I will start with the most recent. Like - - how stupid it was to kill himself. That's not even for me to decide. But I felt like when he did it he was somehow doing it to me too."
"I KNOW he was doing it to me! I felt so fu -- so pissed! I felt guilty for leaving him! Wow! I didn't realize I still had such anger in me for him!"
"I know. Weird isn't it? And Gus -- you know who you have to forgive next?"
"You?"
"ME!" I reacted, rather than thinking.
"You asked."
"No, but I hope you do -- forgive me -- for whatever I have done to you." I felt a pang in my heart.
"Sweetheart, I can't even think of anything! You asked a very leading question. I was just trying to answer. So, who were you talking about? Me?"
"Well, - shoot! Who am I to tell you who you should forgive first!" I was disgusted with my own stupidity!
"But who were you GOING to say?"
"Your parents. I said softly.
"Oh." He said, even softer.
"Yeah. Well, I wish you could have spoken to him. But dreams seem to be my thing, don't they."
"Cole, do you think -- umm -- I mean -- do you think Jon would be willing to do that again?"
"You really want to see Rex again, don't you?" I said.
"Yeah. I mean NO! I mean -- not for anything except -- yeah, I wanna see and talk to him again. Is that okay with you?"
"Of course." I said. But even as I said it, I felt some resentment coming up. "I'm sure if I were you, I'd want to -- too." I tried to justify.
"Do you think he would do it? Jon, I mean."
"Maybe I could do it." I said. "I think I could do the same things Jon did."
"I -- I dunno." Gus stammered.
How stupid of me! Of course Gus doesn't want me to hear everything he says to Rex! I felt the resentment come up again. "This is just stupid!" I said to myself. "I don't have to compete with a dead man!" But the feeling wouldn't go away. "I'll give you Jon's number." I told Gus.
Jon was eager to do it again. Gus went over to his house after work the very next night -- without me. When he came home I should have been asleep, but I couldn't sleep. Gus came in looking very tired.
"Oh! You're still awake." He said. He sounded more than tired. He sounded depressed.
"So -- how'd it go?" I asked. "Did it work? Did you talk to Rex?" I knew the answer before he said it.
"No." He said and his eyes filled with tears.
I got up immediately and embraced him. "I'm sorry, Sweetheart! I know how much you wanted it." I said. I felt guilty that all of a sudden I felt relief. "I'm so sorry!" I assured him. I also felt so ashamed that I had been jealous of a dead Rex.
"No, Cole! I -- I mean - " he broke down into sobs and tried to wrench free. I held on to him. "Cole! STOP!" He blubbered. He fell at my knees. He wrapped his arms around my knees. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you so much! I'm so soooo Sorry!"
"Gus -- Sweetheart -- it's okay. Really! I was a little bothered that you still had such strong feeling for Rex, but that was my own stupidit - "
"Cole!" he said breathlessly. "Just listen -- please." He stopped for long enough to get my unspoken compliance. "Cole -- We -- had -- sex."
I felt a cold chill surround my heart and spread in waves out into my chest. "What? With Rex? But how - "
"No. with Jon!"
I literally fell on the bed. I covered my face. I felt like I was gonna throw up. My stomach wrenched in spasms of pain. I didn't even feel the first tears. Before I knew it, I was bawling as hard as Gus was. I had never felt so violated -- so defiled even -- ever in my life. I buried my face in my pillow. I cried and cried. I didn't even want to look at Gus. I knew he was crying too, but I didn't care about that. I just wanted to be left alone -- to be like I felt -- alone. I felt a cover go over me and I then felt his pillow leave the bed. Rexxy stirred. I picked him up and brought him to bed with me. I don't know why they both didn't wake up, but I was trying to be quiet, so --
Rexxy snuggled into my body and sighed. I heard Marc answer in a sigh. I felt warmer with Rexxy there, but inside I felt icy. I snuggled us both deeper into the covers, and stared at the ceiling -- how long I don't know.
"Go to him."
"Huh?" I startled awake. But even in the dark I could tell that both eyes were working. I looked over to the edge of the bed. Rex was sitting slightly above the floor in an invisible chair.
"His cries brought me here." Said Rex.
"What?" I answered.
"Dude, Gus isn't asleep. I don't know how you could! He's still crying." I looked closely. It looked like Rex was crying, but there were no tears. Of course. No body = no tears. "Coley, go to him. You have to forgive him -- and yourself."
I got indignant over that. Then I noticed it. "Rex! You're -- you're -- glowing!"
"Am I?" Rex said.
"He sent you here -- to tell me this -- didn't he?"
"Who?" He asked.
"God! Or Jesus, maybe? Your glowing! You must be on God's errand!"
"I heard Gus crying. That's all I know."
"Rex -- I heard somewhere that -- when you're in the service of your fellow man -- you're in the service of God. Maybe he didn't send you directly, but still you must be doing his work."
"Hey! Dude! I'm an angel and didn't even know it!" he laughed. I was surprised. There must be laughing in heaven!
"Rex! Does God laugh?"
"Huh?" He said. "I've never met him."
"Ha-ha! That you know! So at least there is laughing in the spirit world, huh?"
"Oh yeah! Of course! Everything good that you like is better in heaven. And -- from what I have heard -- or maybe I just knew it -- anyway - - In heaven everything is better than anyone can imagine -- either in your world or even in the spirit world. Laugh? Oh yeah! Dude, even here, without a body, it feels so free to laugh. I'm sure God does it. He Must! He made me, didn't he?"
He continued, "Coley, go to Gus. Love him. Never let him go! And before I wake you up I have one more thing to tell you."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Sex is indescribably better in heaven!"
"How do you know?" I laughed.
"Dunno. I just know."
"Whattaya mean `when you wake me up?'" I asked.
"Dude! Watch this: COLE WAKE UP!"
I sat up straight, holding Lexxy. My eyes were wide open -- no, it was my eye was wide open. He DID wake me up! Lex wiggled and moved his head around, but never woke up. I gently put him in his bed, and went out to the living room.
The living room doesn't have any outside light coming directly in the window like my bedroom does, so it was very dark. I could barely hear him as my eyes got used to the dark. I picked my way over to the couch. I first saw his outline, facing the back of the couch, away from me. He didn't hear me come in.
As I got close to him, I could see that his face was buried in his pillow and his whole upper body was shaking. I lay down on top of him, cradling him in my arms. He looked up at me for a moment and buried his face again, and I could hear his hoarse sobs, muffled by the pillow.
Notes. Why do we always hurt the one we love the most? Comments are welcome to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve